


Dirty kisses

by Sexycanofsoup



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Anxiety, M/M, Mental Illness, Sickness, hospital au, nurse erwin, patient levi, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-12
Updated: 2016-09-09
Packaged: 2018-02-17 02:53:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 29
Words: 264,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2294237
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sexycanofsoup/pseuds/Sexycanofsoup
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Levi's drinking problem reaches critical levels he's dragged into an addiction rehabilitation center to fix his problems. However, when you use alcohol to self medicate his extreme germ phobia, sobriety can be tough. Suddenly Levi is forced to live in a world far too dirty to cope with and his decline is rapid. There's a man there though. A blonde nurse who decides to take Levi's treatment into his own hands through an unorthodox method of habituation: kissing. Levi finds himself thrown back into the world of sexual tension and attractive yearning--something he's convinced he's far too old for--all while he needs to figure out just why Erwin is putting in all that effort to help him in the first place.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter one

**Author's Note:**

> I'd like to dedicate this to Ailene who brings so much beautiful eruri art into the world. Thank you.

Dirty kisses:

Chapter 1:

Levi was trying his hardest to touch as little as possible. He had already folded his legs until they were screaming at him to stop, but short of actually hovering in mid-air, he couldn’t think of any way to keep even more of himself off the bed. The constant pressure in the pit of his body bellowing at him to urinate wasn’t helping him concentrate. He’d been holding in all waste for almost three days now, but he’d gone longer than that before. He’d wound up in the hospital once holding it in for almost a week. The doctors there had shouted at him a lot for that one, but he’d just tuned them out and sworn that he’d never try to quit drinking again. A promise he’d been intent on keeping until Hanji had burst back into his life like a caterwauling, and highly out of tune banjo. Now he was here in the rehab center, in forced sobriety, and he’d never felt so unclean in his life.

Somewhere in the distance he heard a scream. There were a lot of screams here at all hours of the night and day. They were screams of desperation in response to the substances that were crawling their way out of their bodies. Levi might have felt bad for them if he weren’t so wrapped up in himself right now and the fear that pricked every inch of his skin like rusted darts.

He was trying to calm his breathing. He’d already had two full blown panic attacks since he’d gotten here despite his best efforts, and each time the response had been traumatizing. Staff had rushed into here with their filthy hands and filthy instruments, claiming they were clean, but Levi knew better. He knew that even if they looked clean they weren’t. Disease and filth crawled on all of them, invisibly, and they did nothing to stop it. He’d lost each battle when he’d been forcibly held down by three of them and injected, by a fourth, with a tranquilizer. But each time he would wake up and each time he would feel filthier and the cycle would start all over again. He was determined to keep quiet this time. He refused to let anything or anyone else touch him ever again. The part of the mattress touching his skin would have to be dealt with eventually of course. He would attempt to scrub it clean once he was allowed out of here, and if that didn’t work he’d just have to scrape off the skin. The pain of that was so worth the feeling of being clean. He knew, even though he didn’t know it recently until now. Alcohol had taken care of that, keeping the disease at bay, making the urgency of cleaning lower, dulled. And he needed that alcohol now. He needed it more than his cells did as they cried out in their thirst. It was a mental need that went as deep as all his fears. He’d tried bribing the staff but it hadn’t worked. This was Hanji’s facility, and even though he hadn’t yet seen her since he’d been brought here--she was upstate overseeing her wife’s recovery from surgery--he could see that her handiwork had ensured that none of them took him up on his multiple offers.

 _Another breath, come on, stupid lungs, you know how to do this--at least, you_ should _know how to do this_ , he coached himself. There was a reason he’d never dedicated his life to motivational speaking--he sucked at it. His breaths were very shallow now and he was starting to feel lightheaded. He tried to focus on the pain in his gut to ground him, but it wasn’t enough. Nothing was enough to distract him from the burn of the filth. Nothing, that is, until the door cracked open and possibly the handsomest man Levi had ever laid eyes on walked in through the door.

At first he thought it was a mirage induced by alcohol craving delirium, but no, the man was just as solid as everything else in the room if not more so.

He was tall. Well, everyone looked tall to Levi, but he was especially tall, definitely over six feet. And he was blonde, and he had the most flawless forearms Levi had ever seen. He was sure the rest of the man was just as perfect if the way he filled out his clothes was anything to go by, but unfortunately all Levi could see of the man were his head and forearms, and that was entirely too little for him, because, surprisingly enough, the man managed to somehow make it onto his pain filled and tortured radar. The man reached back and tugged the door behind him and Levi drank in the way the man’s neck twisted as he did so. But it wasn’t until the man, turned around and looked directly at him, did he let out a gasp.

 _Jesus Christ, He’s fucking faultless_. His eyes were sucked into the man’s clear blue ones. They were astonishingly sharp, and they pierced Levi all the way down to his poor overfull bladder with one cutting glance. He already felt like he couldn’t take any more, but when he saw the way the man’s eyes were framed by the strongest most perfectly shaped eyebrows he’d ever seen, he practically swooned. The only thing that kept him from toppling over onto the mattress was the fear of allowing any more of his skin to touch the hated material.

 _Keep it together, you idiot, he’s only human_ , he thought. But the man didn’t _look_ human. He looked like a chiseled statue. And then the statue spoke.

“Where is it okay for me to be?”

Damn, he thought, even his voice is stupidly beautiful. Like polished mahogany or something cheezy like that. His state of shock, plus his general lack of understanding, prevented him from answering. But the newcomer wouldn’t accept that. He pushed again. “I mean where is it safe for you? Can I sit in the chair? Am I not allowed to touch anything? How far must I stand before you start to feel the panic?”

Levi understood, but the shock had only grown. This man was the first to say anything of the sort--to even think of capitulating to his madness.

“I...well, nothing’s really okay right now.”

_Damn it! What the hell? If they know that they’ll just sedate you again!_

But the words had just slipped out. Maybe it was the man’s eyes or maybe it was the considerate words but something had made Levi do what he’d sworn never to do again--show weakness.

The man frowned. “I see…” He didn’t say anything else for several more seconds, his frown deepening, but then he sighed and spoke again. “I know you probably want me to leave you alone right now, but you’ve also probably got a lot of urgent business you need to attend to that can’t really wait anymore, can it?”

No. It couldn’t wait. Levi’s bowels were now screaming like a band of massacred cats, but he wouldn’t just admit that so easily. He feigned ignorance. “I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.”

The man’s lips tilted upward out of the frown. “You need to take a shit, right?”

Levi blinked. He hadn’t thought men so beautiful could drop curses so easily. The man’s lips curved upward a bit more and now it could almost be called a smile. Whatever it was it was both maddening and breathtaking.

“Don’t pretend to be shocked, I hear that some of the nurses can hear you all the way in the cafeteria. Old Mary, bless her, nearly had a feinting fit after hearing some of the rather colorful words that left your mouth. You like straightforward, right? I can be straightforward.”

Levi opened his mouth to tell the man to “fuck off” realized it wouldn’t be effective, and shut his mouth again. He very rarely was at a loss for what to say and that’s why the whole thing was so disorienting for him.

Erwin pushed his sleeves up exposing even more of those glorious forearms. He was wearing a crisp white oxford and a pair of dark jeans. Not hospital attire. Who the hell was this guy?

As if reading Levi’s mind the man nodded toward him. “I’m Erwin smith, a nurse here. Have been for the last three years. I usually work down in the behavioral addiction center up on the fourth floor. I’d shake your hand but I’m sure that would result in you wrenching it from my socket and burning it so I’ll risk the impoliteness this once.”

The words shouldn’t have been all that infuriating but Levi found himself clenching his teeth. He wanted to say something--do something--that would wipe the cool calm from the man’s face but he had a feeling that shocking the man would prove difficult.

“This is what I’ve heard, feel free to correct me if any of the information is incorrect. You arrived at this facility on Sunday--”

“More like forcibly dragged here by Hanji’s favorite stool pidgeon.”

“And put into the alcohol cleansing program--”

“Fucking pussy words. ‘Cleansing’ my ass. They’re ripping it out of us.”

“But you’ve refused to engage in any of the program activities. You refuse to leave your room, or engage with any of the patients or staff here. You’ve rejected all offers to eat, defecate, accept meds, or even sleep for any significant period of time. Your failure to thrive, or even participate in the most basic necessities for survival--”

“I did ‘engage.’ I told those shit for staff pissheads how I can’t eat or touch any of their filthy crap and I’d rather starve than be poisoned and diseased.”

“Levi your interruptions aren’t exactly what I’d call enlightening.”

“No one asked you to talk, shit brows.”

That was a lie. They weren’t shit brows. He’d almost choked on the words as he’d said them. The man was still looking directly at him, his eyes eating away at all of Levi’s reason. Levi stared back, glaring as hard as he could. He would _not_ be intimidated, or _worse_ , turned on. He hadn’t been turned on in years. Just the idea of sex, practically the dirtiest thing he could imagine, was enough to make him retch. Especially the kind of sex he was into. The butt kind. It seemed like the world’s worst irony that a germaphobe like him had to suffer through sex that involved assholes. He’d only ever done it twice with two different guys and each time it had been filthy and awful and he never wanted to do it again. Ever. Except...this guy was stupid fucking hot. But no. Sex was disease. It was bad. And this guy had to go before his thoughts got any more ridiculous.

“Get out,” he spat. Maybe straight forward was a bit too gentle a phrase to describe his brusqueness.

“Okay,” Erwin said, and pushed his hands into his pockets. “If that’s what you really want.”

Damn the man and his stupid knowing smirk.

“That’s what I want,” Levi said, grinding his back molars together.”

Erwin shrugged. “Okay. I was going to make your dream shit come true, but if you prefer to keep it bottled up inside you until they force it out of you that’s fine by--”

“Wait. Force it out of me?”

Erwin, who had turned to go, faced forward again. “Oh yeah. If you haven’t used the bathroom before the day is out they’re going to shove a catheter in you and pump you empty.”

Levi felt the blood drain out of his face. “No.”

“They’re not going to ask your opinion on the matter.”

“No.”

“You make it sound like their decision is in my power. I’m just a lowly floor nurse, remember?”

Levi swallowed the last tattered shreds of his pride and choked out, “Please.”

He didn’t expect the word to do anything, but the sharp blue, like colored ice, of Erwin’s eyes, melted a bit, becoming liquid.

“Then let me,” he said.

Levi could feel the breaths beginning to punch out of him again.

Erwin took his hands out of his pocket and held them out in front of himself like one would do for a cornered and wounded animal. “You’ll be calling the shots. We’ll take this at your pace. You’re running the show. Just let me help you.”

There wasn’t enough air in the room. Levi looked at the man. He had wide strong hands. They were probably warm. But they were also covered in disease, toxins that would kill him. He couldn’t do this. He didn’t know how.

“I…Why are you offering this anyway? This isn’t even your ward. Why are you bothering with me? You don’t even know me.”

Erwin drew his hands back. Levi felt relieved with their distance. “I might not know you, specifically, but I know your situation. I know that desperation. I’ve seen it before, Levi. Your situation is unique, of course, to you. But I know enough to help Levi, and I’m offering it to you if you’ll take it.”

Levi didn’t know how he was supposed to be thinking clearly about the man’s words if he couldn’t even draw enough breath into his lungs. _Breathe damn it!_ The thought didn’t work. He was breathing even harder now. Because his thoughts kept spiraling. They were going to come for him soon. They were going to force things in his body and touch him all over with their filthy hands. He would never be able to scrub it off. They would never let him scrub himself off. He’d be here forever and the torture would never end and Hanji would never come for him and he was going to die in this place and there was no one here to-- but that wasn’t true. This man was here. Erwin was here, even though all Levi knew was his name. He was here, and he was even offering to help. Sure it would still be horrible, and he would become filthy, but he was going to become filthy anyway, so wasn’t it better to do so when he at least had some control over the situation? Of course it was better. He just had to suck it up and _do_ it. Even though his skin was already crawling and his lungs were burning and he _hated_ this. _Loathed_ it.

“Okay.” It came out in a gasp. Not strong in the slightest. The single syllable was all vulnerability. He looked into Erwin’s eyes. “Okay.”

Erwin looked back at him and now there was a definite smile. Soft and open. “Okay,” he said.

 _Why are you doing this? Trusting him? Everyone knows you can’t trust the hot ones_ , Levi reminded himself, but he still felt something inside of his chest settle down a bit, ease it’s fluttering, and he took in a deep breath--the first full one he’d done in a long time.

Erwin nodded. “Good. Keep doing that--breathing. You were looking pretty pale there. I’ll be right back.”

He turned around and pulled the door back open. Levi opened his mouth to protest. He’d only just allowed the guy to help and he was already leaving? But Erwin didn’t go very far. He held open the door with his foot as he leaned down to pick up a bucket he’d left by the door. Inside of it were bottles very familiar to Levi. One was a can of comet, another was some no brand ammonia. A third was Mr. Clean. The fourth was a spray bottle of Windex, but it was the fifth that made his heart skip a beat. Lysol. The unscented version. The only thing he trusted to kill the germs. He must have made some kind of movement that Erwin caught, because the man whipped his head back around and caught Levi’s look. “Yes, Hanji told me all about how much you love this stuff. I’ve got another can, unopened, that’s all for you as soon as I see that you can handle it without going dangerously spray-happy.

Erwin carried the bucket into the bathroom that every room had. If anything it was filthier than everything else in the room was, and Levi wanted no part in it. But Erwin didn’t seem to care about exposing himself to deadly disease, and soon Levi could hear the water running. A few moments later Erwin came back, the bucket filled with sudsy water, the smell of ammonia already twisting through the air. He pulled on a pair of gloves. Levi just looked at him. “What are you doing?”

It was kind of obvious what he was about to do, and the man’s raised brow said that. “Cleaning.”

“Don’t bother. I know how hospital staff do it. It’s just a way to move germs from one place to--”

“I’m not hospital staff today. And when I say I’m going to clean it, I’m going to clean it.”

He pulled out a pack of fresh washrags and dumped them into the water

“By hand?” Levi asked.

“Would you accept anything else?”

“Of course not.”

“Then yes, by hand.”

Levi could only watch as Erwin methodically took everything off the room’s surfaces and carried them out of the room--tissues, gloves, potted flowers, spare linen--everything. And then he began to clean. He started with the walls. Levi didn’t know anyone but him that cleaned walls, so that as Erwin worked, the muscles in his back and arms shifting beautifully under his skin, he could feel a slow dawn of wonder. Erwin concentrated fully on the task in front of him, not saying much, except to occasionally ask Levi about his status--if he was all right and if he was doing anything that made Levi uncomfortable. When he’d finished with the walls, Erwin began cleaning the room’s surfaces. It was a good method--top to bottom cleaning--the only way to really do things, in Levi’s opinion. But when the blonde was left with Levi’s bed he ignored it altogether and began work on Levi’s floor. He worked from one corner all the way back until he was in the bathroom, which, by the sounds that went on, he proceeded to clean. Levi didn’t like not being able to see him. He wanted to watch the man’s every movement, seeing his methods, but Erwin had already proved himself extraordinarily methodical. Not quite like Levi--no one could be that good--but he was excellent. Going over every spot several times and changing the water at the smallest sign of murkiness. The process took hours. It had been morning when Erwin had first showed up but it was already midafternoon when the man returned to stand in front of Levi. Erwin hadn’t stopped once in all that time. Not to eat, drink, check his phone, stretch, or do any of the things most normal people would do after hours of work. Levi himself hadn’t had any water to drink in more than 24 hours. The more the alcohol came out of his system the worse the fear of his dirt became and it was yesterday that the idea of having water, even if it came from an IV, became too much for him, and he’d refused everything.

Levi looked up at Erwin. There was a light sheen of sweat on the man’s face, but that only seemed to make him hotter. He was barefoot--he’d taken off his shoes and socks and left them out in the hallway along with everything else--and then, as if it wasn’t already bad enough. He reached up and began to slide open the buttons of his shirt.

“W-what are you doing?” Levi demanded, cursing the unevenness in his voice.

“It’s dirty, right?” Erwin said, still as crisp and calm as ever. “I can’t touch you like this.”

“Touch me?”

“Well you’re not going to walk on the floor now, right? You’ve been in that same tiny pretzel position ever since I came in here. I know you’re not going to move an inch more than possible. That’s where I come in.”

Levi let that sink in. And then he exploded. “You’re going to carry me?”

“Yes. To the bathroom.”

“It’s filthy.”

“I used straight ammonia on every surface without diluting it with water and sprayed everything twice over with Lysol. There are way fewer germs in there than on the bed you’re sitting on.”

And that’s when Levi realized something. Erwin was a genius. He hadn’t touched Levi’s bed. He’d let Levi sit in the filth because he knew Levi would do anything to sit on a cleaner surface--even if that surface was a toilet--which was exactly where Erwin wanted him to go.

“You son of a bitch…”

Erwin chuckled. “Now you sound like my mother.”

He let his shirt slide from his shoulders and onto a plastic bag he’d laid out on the now clean floor. He then reached for the button of his jeans. Levi swallowed. He hadn’t really noticed the dryness of his throat until now--he’d been too focused on his aching bladder--but now he realized how impossible swallowing had become. The man’s torso was even more flawless than he’d imagined. Hard lines of muscle were everywhere outlining a six pack that could only be described with the word “glorious.” his broad shoulders had knobs of tight muscle where his arms joined them, and his forearms, finally completely bare, could have made Levi weep if he wasn’t in so much pain already.

Erwin unzipped his jeans and began to slide them down his hips

“No. Stop.” Levi wasn’t sure where he’d found the words, but he was damn glad for them. “You can’t do that.”

Erwin stopped. “Is this making you uncomfortable?”

Levi’s eyes were glued to the man’s crotch where he could see the V of the man’s hips disappear into his black briefs. His mouth was so very dry. “Keep them on.” His voice was hoarse. He didn’t know what was wrong with him. He didn’t get like this. Not him. He didn’t care about bodies. They were all filthy. He shouldn’t have cared.

Erwin nodded, slid the denim back up, and zipped it closed. “I won’t let your body touch them,” he promised. Then he reached for a giant bottle of hand sanitizer and set to work. He sprayed the outside of the bottle all over with Lysol and then popped it open and squirted a generous amount of it into his palms. He started with his right arm, at the top of the shoulder, and began to rub the gel into his skin. Levi blinked. He knew what everyone said. Hand sanitizer wasn’t good to use on anything but your hands. It would dry out your skin, and worse, if used repeatedly, would weaken your immune system because it would kill off too much bacteria leaving none for your body to fight. He’d heard the message many many times, and he was sure, that as a medical professional, Erwin had heard it even more than he had, and yet, he couldn’t even express how happy he was that the man was rubbing it onto himself right now.

Erwin didn’t miss any spots. He worked steadily, just as he’d done when he was cleaning the room, and did both his arms, and shoulders, his back and chest, and moved onto his neck. He filled in every crease and line until his skin was all wet with it. he smeared it over his entire face, over his lips and in his ears and Levi felt his eyes mist over because, for the first time, someone else was _clean_. Erwin went over everything twice before setting the bottle down and reaching for Levi. “Come,” he said, holding his arms open. Levi opened his fists, clenched them again, and then sprang up and threw his arms around the man.

“I’m sorry. I’m ruining--I’m making you--”

“I’ll clean myself again. However many times you want,” Erwin said as he lifted Levi to his chest, strong arms cradling him. “Don’t worry about dirtying me. Things will get dirty for a little bit but I’ll make sure to clean everything again, even better than before. I promise.”

Levi’s arm’s wound themselves around the man’s neck. His face was pressed to Erwin’s shoulder and he was breathing the smell of the hand sanitizer deep into himself as if to reassure himself that things _could_ be clean. Erwin was sticky--but it was a good sticky--a _clean_ sticky. And he was so warm and big and his cleanliness was safety and Levi couldn’t remember how long it had been since someone’s arms felt safe instead of suffocating but it was long enough to make his eyes mist over and squeeze shut and for a sharp thankful cry to escape from his mouth. Erwin’s hand found Levi’s hair. “It’s okay. I promise.”

Levi jerked his head in a nod even though it wasn’t because even though Erwin had been clean he was already growing dirty again because of himself and he could feel the filth in himself and hated it and was nauseated by it. And after so many hours of not moving and not drinking he was dizzy and the room was spinning.

“I’m going to bring you to the bathroom. I cleaned it about three times as well as I did this room.”

“Okay.”

“You’re being very brave.”

“I’m fucking terrified.”

“I know. I’m sorry, but we have to.”

“I _can’t_.”

“We’ll try. We’ll just try, Levi, okay? You’ll feel so much better afterward. Don’t you want the pain to stop?”

“Well obviously I don’t _enjoy_ pain.”

“See? You’re already less messed up than most of the staff think you are,” Erwin said and then spun them both carefully around and made his way steadily to the bathroom.

“You’re surprisingly heavy for someone who doesn’t eat,” he commented. Levi growled low in his chest. “You calling me fat?”

“No. I was just afraid you would feel like nothing--empty. But you don’t. You’re solid. You’re still here. You’re not a husk. I carry so many husks around here, Levi, don’t become one of them.”

Levi nodded before he could think to stop himself, and then they were in the bathroom.

“I’m going to set you down now.”

“Don’t.”

“The toilet’s cleaner than I am.”

“Don’t care. Don’t want to.” But Erwin was already removing his clothes. Levi’s hand smacked up to stop him. “What do you think you’re--”

“Don’t worry. It’s nothing I haven’t already seen a thousand times before.”

“Are you saying I have an average looking penis?”

“The whole insecure thing doesn’t suit you. And your pants need to come off.”

“How come you get to keep your pants on?”

“Because you told me to.”

“Oh right.”

“Come on, Levi. Do it yourself if it makes you feel better.”

“No. Too dirty. Don’t wanna touch them.”

“So let _me_ do it.”

“No.”

“I’m going to flush you down the toilet in a minute.”

“I hope you get electrocuted on your way back home,” Levi said, forcing himself to mean it.

Erwin sighed. “Please Levi?”

“Do you really want to see me naked that badly?”

“Yes, but not for the reason you’re thinking.”

“So you’re saying you don’t find me hot?”

“I find you infuriating.”

“You didn’t answer the question.”

“You’re definitely getting flushed now.”

Levi pressed his face back into Erwin’s shoulder. He knew that all he was doing was stalling. “Promise it’ll be okay.”

“I swear I will have you back on that bed the moment it’s been cleaned and you’ll feel much better afterword.”

“Okay.”

“I can take them off?”

“You can take them off.”

Erwin held Levi up with one hand and slipped Levi’s pants off easily with the other. They had been put on him by the staff, and he wasn’t wearing anything beneath them, but before he could feel any embarrassment about that he was already plopped down on the toilet. Erwin gripped his shoulders. “This okay, Levi?”

It wasn’t, not really, but Erwin had put in so much effort into making it this far, and so Levi tried. He squeezed his eyes shut and crossed his arms tightly over his chest. He nodded.

Erwin’s hand touched Levi’s head again and ran his fingers through his hair. “Brave boy.”

“I’m thirty fucking years old. Stop being so damn condescending.”

“I’m not trying to be. We’re all boys when we’re scared.”

“Just shut up.”

Erwin didn’t say another word, and that got very awkward, very quickly.

“Jesus. Do you really expect me to do anything with you standing right here?”

“Do you want me to leave?”

“No!” he said that a little too loudly to disguise his panic.

Erwin ruffled his hair and waited.

Levi pressed his hands to his eyes, remembered they were still dirty, but left them there. Every bit of him was already filthy anyway. He began to shake. Erwin’s hands were there immediately.

“Tell me, Levi. What’s the best thing I can do right now?”

“I...don’t know.”

“We can stay like this until you figure it out.”

“I don’t know how to figure it out. If I did I wouldn’t be stuck in this fucking addiction center with my fucking OCD that I have no fucking idea how to fix!”

“Levi. Just stop. You’re getting too big picture. Focus on this, just getting through the next five seconds. Breathe.”

“Don’t tell me what to--”

“Then pretend I didn’t tell you, but breathe anyway or you’ll pass out.”

Levi’s forehead scrunched up, as did his nose, but he did take in a breath--albeit an angry one.

The pads of Erwin’s fingers found the creases between Levi’s brows. “You’re going to smack me for this, but you’re kind of cute when you want to tear me a new one.”

Levi lifted his hand, and put it back down quickly, but Erwin had already seen the motion, and known his intention. Because Levi did, indeed, want to smack Erwin, and the blonde looked far too satisfied with the fact. Thankfully he didn’t revel in it long. Erwin lifted his fingers. There was just a whisper of a cool air before the spot was once again occupied. Erwin’s forehead pressed itself to Levi’s. He could smell the blonde. A mixture of antiseptic and deodorant. It was a clean smell.

“I’m going to leave for ten minutes, Levi. You can spend that time as you want. You can count the seconds. You can slowly and methodically curse me out in all the languages you know. Or you can actually use this here toilet I put so much elbow grease into scrubbing. It’s your call.”

And then his forehead was gone, too quickly. Levi hadn’t absorbed enough of its warmth. He lifted his hand, but by the time Erwin was standing he’d retracted it again.

“That sound good to you?”

“Whatever.

The door opened and closed and Levi was left alone. The clean smell was all around him but it wasn’t the same anymore. Just plain old antiseptic. Levi crossed his arms over his middle again, tighter this time. After hours of the man’s company it was now too quiet. He’d survived the past three days without the man, but now he couldn’t recall how he’d done it. He wanted Erwin to be there. The man had cleaned for him. No one had ever cleaned for Levi before. Maybe it was because he was messed up, but he couldn’t think of anything more inherently, well, romantic, than that gesture. There was no selfishness in it. It wasn’t Erwin’s room. But he had come in, and he’d cleaned for Levi when he was incapable of doing so, and...he supposed that kind of effort required an equal amount of effort in return.

He looked down at his lap. Despite whatever Erwin had said, Levi _had_ lost weight. He remembered a time--a time before the alcohol when he’d really had meat on his bones. Hell, he’d had a friggen eight pack at the height of his work out obsession. Working out...he missed that. He remembered when that had been enough. When if he did enough pushups he’d be able to quiet the thoughts demanding he clean. Back then if he exhausted himself enough we was able to wrestle them down until they were manageable. But after Isabel it had all changed. And after Farlan...well that’s when he stopped caring about what happened to himself altogether. He’d wanted to drown himself with the alcohol. To drink until every last thought he would ever have would be destroyed because they were all awful, and he didn’t want to think anymore. And he supposed if he thought about it that sounded a whole lot like wanting suicide, but he didn’t like to think about it, and he hadn’t been forced to think about any of it until Hanji had forced herself back into his life after he’d shut her out and she’d found him passed out in his apartment after he hadn’t gone to work in three days. Now he was in her addiction center because she didn’t trust him to be anywhere else, and that, it seemed, was that. He didn’t have to think about it all though because Erwin said it was okay. He had to focus on the task at hand, he owed it to the man even if the request was a rather gross one.

 _I don’t ever want to shit again_ he thought. But that wasn’t an option. _I can’t have that touch me. It’s bad enough that it’s already infected my insides but at least it’s contained there. If I let it out everything will become diseased. I don’t know if I can clean it all. Not without my materials. Why won’t they let me have some damn materials?_ But he knew why. They’d found him that first night, his sheets spotted with blood with the level of violence he’d been scrubbing his skin with. He knew he couldn’t do that again. It had been the initial pain like sandpaper on his brain of the first withdrawal. Then he had felt all the world’s germs clawing to get into him so he’d scrubbed and scrubbed until his nails were bloody swollen nubs. They’d taken everything away after that. In his bathroom now all he had was some shampoo, a bar of soap, and toilet paper. Didn’t they realize that bar soap was practically the most unsanitary thing on the planet? Fucking useless… but no, he realized, there was something else in the bathroom--the lysol can that Erwin had brought. If he used that...but that would be even worse than using sanitizer. That was definitely not made to go on his asshole. But he needed...if he just used a little…

He heard a creak, and jumped guiltily. Right, he was supposed to be acting normally and taking a crap like a regular person. He lifted his shirt and looked down at his stomach. It looked a bit swollen. He prodded it with his fingers and winced. He was really damn backed up. This was going to hurt like putting one of his kidneys through the shredder. Since he’d been clenching so hard to keep everything in he’d probably messed up the muscles--at least temporarily. He had to get them to somehow relax again. He began to massage his stomach. It had to be done hard or he’d never reach the muscles. He tried to relax, but the pain was making that nigh on impossible.

_Fucking stupid. No one else has these sorts of problems. No one. I’m a broken ass human who never should have been born. I’m useless. I’m such a fucking stupid waste of space. Can’t even take a goddamn piss. All I know how to do is kill my friends. Should have killed myself a long time ago. Should have done it before Isabel and Farlan. Should have done it before I met Hanji so I didn’t fuck up her life with constant worry. Should have managed to do it in the fucking womb before I killed my damn mother with birth complications. Maybe Kaney wouldn’t have hated me as much then. No. He’d always hate me. I was too messed up. Too different. I embarrassed him in front of my friends. Said I had problems with social cues. Still do. Will always have them because no matter how closely I pay attention I always end up hurting...How many times did you hurt Hanji? How many times did you see her cry and not know what to do? So fucking useless. Maybe Farlan and Isabel are glad to be dead so they won’t have to see the fucking shit mess you turned out to be. What a damn--_

Levi’s mind ground to a halt when he heard a noise. It was so scary and pitiful sounding that it took him a moment to realize it was him, and that his whole body was shaking, and that the reason his shoulders were juddering was because he was being wracked with sobs even though he hadn’t cried since Farlan’s death almost two years ago.

“Fuck…”

He pushed both hands to his face but the tears refused to stop.

“Fucking shit!”

He dug his fingers into his skin, not caring about the germs for a second, just wanted everything to explode in pain, to rip away the thoughts with blood--his blood. “I...fucking can’t even...I--”

A door slam, and then hands. Warm hands, big hands, and the full clean smell. Erwin.

“Levi! Levi I’m here, I’m sorry. You don’t have to...damn it. I never should have...not fucking qualified for this. Should have called Nile. If I made things worse Levi I...please tell me Levi. Let me try to fix it. I--”

“Can’t even take a fucking piss, damn it!” Levi shouted, and slammed his head back against the porcelain tank. “What a joke. The only thing I’m any fucking good at is killing people, and even those I don’t do intentionally. Even if I don’t go outside. Even if I lock myself away where no one can see me I can still hurt. I can still…”

He stopped. He couldn’t anymore. But then Erwin’s hand was pulling Levi’s face to his shoulder, and Levi was crying too hard for any sound to come out. Erwin’s composure was returning. It looked like even though Levi had shocked him into cracking he was quick at recovery. He ran his fingers through Levi’s hair and murmured softly to him, but all Levi could do was cling to the man. He could give nothing in return, even though he wanted to--was dying to. Because at that moment he couldn’t recall even a single small thing he’d given to the world and that hurt him deeper than the germs could. It took him awhile, but when he was finally able to catch his breath, he choked out, ‘I just want to do one thing right. Just one little good thing. One thing that doesn’t hurt someone. Help me Erwin. Help me…”

And Erwin’s hands were still there so warm and present. Not pushing him away even though Levi felt he deserved it. He’d been nothing but a disaster since he’d been forced in here. But Erwin didn’t treat him like a disaster. His hands held him as if he was something precious. As if he had something to offer.

“You want to do something?” Erwin murmured.

“Yes.”

“Then relax for me. Close your eyes and let go. I’ll watch over your worries for now so give them to me.”

Levi was exhausted. Three days without sleep and then a crying jag was enough to knock anyone out. He didn’t have the energy to worry anymore. He just wanted some nothingness. He slumped over onto Erwin as the man continued to soothe him, massaging his back and shoulders and smoothing his hair from his face. He must have used the bathroom, though he wasn’t really aware of it. He just remembered having insane pressure inside of him and then not having it anymore. He was glad the world was blurring because Erwin must have cleaned him after that and he would thank any deity in existence that he wasn’t really conscious enough to experience it. He was set down in the chair at first, where he must have dozed off, because it seemed like only a second later that he was being laid back in the bed though the smell of fresh antiseptic and clean sheets hinted that it had been much longer than just a second. But before he could nod off to some deep and proper sleep he was being held up at an angle and something was being pushed against his lip.

“Drink Levi. It’s the last thing I’ll bother you with tonight. Please do it, you’re ridiculously dehydrated, and this cup and water are very clean, I swear.”

Levi reached out blindly and grabbed hold of Erwin’s arm. “Can’t sleep,” he muttered. “The nightmares will find me.”

“I’ll keep them away. Just promise to drink.”

So Levi drank, forcing down the liquid even though his throat muscles protested, and when he was finished he knocked the plastic cup aside and curled up into Erwin’s arms. Before he’d even stopped moving he was dead to the world, his brain having finally crashed into a state of sleep.

 ---


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2:

The door slammed open with the kind of suddenness and violence he’d come to associate with only one person. A person so infuriating and energetic that it had taken him years of her constant presence until the headaches she used to bring on went away. But for some reason, this morning, as he shot up in bed, heart pounding, he could already feel the twinges of the old headaches returning.

“Goddamnit Hanji!” he said by way of greeting and reached behind himself to toss one of her pillows at his head. Only the usual pillow was gone and in its place was this awful, lumpy…

The addiction center. He’d forgotten. This was the first time he’d really woken up here. He wasn’t at home. And that meant…

“So Petra’s either dead or recovered, right?” he grumbled.

Hanji jumped onto his bed, lab coat fluttering, and grabbed him in a chokehold. “It was a damn gallbladder removal surgery Levi. Of course she’s fine, but thanks for asking, bastard.”

Levi growled and gave her a shove. “Hey! I’m in middle of having a crisis here. Go bother someone else.”

“Are you actually trying to insinuate that after 3 solid days--that’s 72 hours--you don’t miss me at all?”

“Of course not. You suck. And your addiction center sucks too. Your staff are incompetent as hell. Now get off. You’re covered in germs.”

“We all know that my germs don’t bother you.”

“That’s _not_ true and we’ve gone over this a thousand times. They do bother me but for whatever cosmic stupid reason they don’t bother me as much as everyone else’s. But that is _not_ an excuse to smother me in your filth. Now get the hell off.”

“No way. Not until you tell me why you went and had a complete and utter breakdown on me while I was gone. What’s all this about refusing to poop?”

“My shit is none of your business.”

“Your _everything_ is my business now. I forcibly became your doctor, remember?”

“Didn’t it involve you jumping onto my back, digging your nails into my neck, and howling that I was going to be your first patient?”

“Yup.”

“Then yes, I remember. Distinctly.”

“That was a great graduation.”

“No it wasn’t. You told the dean that you were finally qualified to operate on him.”

“So? I was being nice.”

“You offered _him_ a _breast reduction_.”

“Yeah. He needed it. He’s like twice my size up on top.”

“And you say _I_ have social issues.”

“So you’re not even going to give me a welcome back hug?”

“No.”

“A kiss?”

“ _No_!”

“Aww….why not? You seemed perfectly happy snuggling up with Erwin last night.”

Levi’s eyes widened, and he went rigid in Hanji’s arms. Last night. shit. He’d...with Erwin he…

“Is it because I’m not blonde? Or because I’m not a hunk of gorgeous muscle? You always did like muscle.”

“Shit, Hanji, I think I let him wipe my ass.”

“Damn you guys got that far in one night? Good for you Levi. I always told you that you take things too slow.”

“No! I mean he wiped. my. ass.”

“Oh right. He told me the pooping thing wasn’t a problem anymore. Damn, wish Petra would agree to wipe _my_ ass.”

“Hanji! Be serious. The only decent staff you have and I let him wipe my ass. God. How am I going to look him in the eye the next time I see him?”

“Well, do you plan on finally participating in some activities?”

“Absolutely not.”

“Then you don’t have to worry. You’ll never see him in this ward. He works in--”

“The behavioral addictions ward. I know. He told me. But he was here yesterday so he must come here sometimes and--”

“Yesterday was his day off. A coworker told him about the rumors of an out of control patient and he contacted me. Can you believe no one thought to tell me about how you were doing? They must have been scared I’d think it was their fault. Every time I tried to call and talk to you it went straight to voicemail. I thought you must have been busy or sleeping, but--”

“Wait. Just stop talking. It was his day off? Then why was he here?”

“Because he was worried about you. And as soon as he called me I began to panic and he assured me that he’d personally stop in as soon as he could, and so he did. I came back here at 4 am and peeked in and found you sleeping in his arms. It was so cute. I had to take a picture and--”

“Wait! He _stayed_?”  Levi’s mouth was hanging open like a broken door hinge.

“Well yeah. Apparently you didn’t want to let go. He didn’t seem to mind though. I’m surprised by how out you were though. You’re usually such a light sleeper but I suppose three days without sleep will do that to you…”

“But doesn’t he, I mean, why was he okay with that? And it was his day off too? Did I come off as that pathetic? Of course I did. He found me crying like some big ass baby. He must’ve thought I’d kill myself or some shit if he--”

“You were crying?”

“It was stupid as hell. Don’t--”

“I never should have left.”

“Don’t be an idiot. You can’t just let your wife go through emergency surgery without you.”

“You needed me more.”

“I was _fine_.”

“You were _crying._ Someone’s definitely getting fired today. I can’t believe no one told me. I needed someone from an entirely different ward to--”

“I said I’m fine.”

“Well _now_ you are. But if you think I’m letting you out of my sight--”

The door opened and a head peeked through. It was bald and dark, and seeing it Levi had a stirring of instant wariness.

“Dr. Hanji. It looks like Arlert jacked another wallet but he won’t tell us where he hid it.”

“What? _Again?_ Didn’t we already have a meeting about this? I told everyone to be careful.”

“Yeah, well, it was one of the cleaning crew. He’s pretty new so he probably didn’t take the warning too seriously. Smith said not to bother looking for it. Says this is the only way people will start listening, and I guess I agree, especially since Arlert’s demanding a room switch as a compromise.”

Hanji sighed and let herself fall back onto Levi’s bed with a thump. “Let me guess. He wants Eren?”

“He said he’ll take anyone at this point so long as it’s not Braun. He says he sees the guy’s dick way too often and that he’s beginning to develop long term trauma or some shit.”

“Well it _is_ a rather big dick,” Hanji admitted.

“Wait,” Levi said, finding it necessary to interrupt. “Why has everyone seen this guy’s dong?”

“He sometimes likes to whip it out when he thinks of Fubar,” the bald man offered.

“Which is always,” Hanji added.

“What the hell?”

“We’ve got some interesting folk here,” Hanji explained.

“And going by your performance yesterday I don’t think you should be judging,” the bald one added. Levi hissed at him. He finally recognized him as the person who’d injected him. He believed his name was Drake, but he was going to call him Sticker because of his preference with sticking people with needles.

“Shut up, Sticker,” Levi said, enjoying the sound of the nickname. He always took pride in them.

Sticker ignored him and addressed Hanji. “So do you want to…?”

“We don’t have any extra rooms but I’ll see what I can do,” Hanji said, pushing herself to her feet. She looked longingly back at Levi’s bed. She had dark circles under her eyes. It didn’t look like she’d slept last night. Sticker made to enter the room, but Hanji stopped him with a look. Levi had seen that look before. It was usually when she’d walked in on him passed out in his apartment. It was a withering look, one that promised pain. And he’d felt that pain. Hell had he felt it. Hanji wasn’t a gentle woman. And now it looked like Sticker was about to feel some of it. Levi smirked. Hanji didn’t. “No. Leave him. I have someone else coming in to look at him. You come with me. I have some things to talk to you about on the way to Armin’s room.”

Now Levi winced. He’d “discussed” a lot of things with Hanji over the years. This guy was about to get fucked. Badly. And the best part was that the bastard didn’t even know it. _Sayanara Sticker_ , he thought, but aloud called out. “I’d say it was nice knowing you, but, well…” he let himself trail off. Hanji crossed the room and clamped down on the man’s arm. Just as she was pulling him out of the room Levi watched the blooming of fear cross the man’s features. He didn’t even pretend not to enjoy it. He waved a cheeky hand at the man. The door clicked closed. It took him about three seconds for his smugness to fade, and then he realized he was alone. Again.

He lifted his hands. They were filthy again, of course. They always were. When Hanji had been here her touch had been safe, but now he could feel the germs she’d left on him.

_It’s Hanji. It’s okay. Safety. Protection. She wouldn’t disease you. She wouldn’t._

He needed to get clean. He curled his hands in close to his body but didn’t let them touch himself. He didn’t want to start this again. He wanted Hanji back. If she was here he’d be able to focus on something else. Something better. But when it was just him and there wasn’t any alcohol…

His skin began to crawl. The germs were trying to bury into him. To get inside.

_I don’t have any open wounds. My skin is my shield. Haven’t touched my mouth or eyes. Safe. I’m safe._

He wasn’t safe. The calming thoughts only helped when there was the blanket of alcohol. Without it he could only hear the lies in his words. The desperation. He curled in more. He knew it wouldn’t protect him. The germs were too small--could slip into any crack. There was nothing he could do. He had no supplies, and too much filth lay all around him. He couldn’t move. If he did they would make it inside. His lips were clamped shut, as were his eyes, but he couldn’t shut everything. The breath that was sucked in through his nose was full of disease. He needed to calm down, to breathe slower, to slow their entrance, but his control was broken. He needed the alcohol. He needed it to fight the disease in his veins. He--

“Levi.”

He froze. That voice. Familiar. Warm. He cracked his eyes open and found him. “Erwin.”

The man was leaning against the doorway, mindless of the germs, and he was looking at Levi closely from across the room. “Dirty?” He asked.

Levi nodded. He realized he looked helpless again, but the sweeping relief at seeing the man’s face again helped him not to care too much.

Erwin pushed himself off of the doorpost. He looked different today, and it took Levi a second to realize that it was because the man was in uniform. His scrub top was white and the pants were a deep olive green. They weren’t very flattering outfits, at least, that had been his impression when he’d seen the other hospital staff wearing the uniform, but right now, looking at the man, he couldn’t help feeling like Erwin had somehow managed to make the square boxy cut of the thing work for him. Then again, Levi was pretty sure when you were that handsome you could probably make an orange crate look like fashionable attire.

Erwin’s hands weren’t empty. In one hand was the cleaning bucket he’d had yesterday, filled with supplies, and in the other was the trusty tub of sanitizer. He set both on the small table he’d scrubbed yesterday. It looked like it hadn’t been touched since Levi had fallen asleep last night. His eyes followed Erwin’s motions. It wasn’t the careful observations of yesterday. He just found his eyes sucked there. Erwin was the kind of man that made everything else in a room look uninteresting, and his eyes didn’t seem to want to look anywhere else. Erwin looked at him. “If I scrub and fill the tub, will you use it?”

Levi nodded again. What he really wanted was to bathe in antiseptic, but he knew Erwin was talking about regular water. Regular water could be filthy, but if he used enough antibacterial soap...he could make do. Erwin’s mouth curved upward in a smile. “Good.” He squeezed some hand sanitizer into his palms and began to scrub it over every spot in the same methodic way he’d done yesterday, and when he’d done so up until his forearms he reached into the bucket and pulled out something--a bottle of water. “How did you sleep?” he asked, and handed the sanitizer to Levi, obviously meaning for him to do the same with his own hands. Then he pulled an antiseptic wipe from its packet and began to carefully scrub the outside of the bottle with it. Levi blinked up at him and completely ignored his question. “I thought you worked in the behavioral addictions ward.”

Erwin didn’t stop scrubbing. “I did.”

“So did you get lost or something?”

“Nope.”

“What the fuck are you doing here then?”

“I got transferred.”

Levi realized he was grinding down on his back molars again. Dragging information out of Erwin was like trying to clean an apartment with a toothbrush--grueling and slow going. He knew. He’d done it before. “Transferred,” he repeated.

“Yep.”

“Why?”

“Hanji thought it would be best.”

Levi stopped himself before his mouth could fall open. He quickly schooled his features into a mask of nonchalance. “Why?”

“Because she was appalled by your treatment over the last few days. And frankly, so was I.

Levi uncurled himself. He was staring openly, and he knew it, but he was too busy being blown away to care.

“She...I...no. _I_ was being the difficult one. I’m abnormal. I’m the one who...”

Erwin set the bottle down on the table and then crouched down in front of Levi, not touching him. “No. They were wrong.”

“But--”

“You’re going through major trauma right now. Your body is basically ripping itself apart right now trying to get back to what it’s been supplied with for so long. You’re vulnerable, and in pain. Your environment is new and you have nothing comforting around you. Your routine has been dismantled and you’ve been put in a position that’s put you at the mercy of countless figures of authority. Anyone would be freaked out. Anyone would be ‘difficult.’ Hell, if I was in your position I probably would have put a few people’s heads through the wall. The staff is supposed to know this. They’re supposed to try and work with you on an individual level, to help ease the transition. Instead all they offered you was brute force. That’s _not_ what this facility is supposed to offer. That’s _not_ what you’re supposed to experience, and I’m truly sorry for it. Hanji runs an excellent facility, I’m sorry you didn’t get to experience the good side of it.”

_But I did._ Levi didn’t dare to say it out loud, but looking at the earnest and serious face before him he couldn’t help feeling that putting up with Sticker and his buddies had been worth it. Because it had made Erwin come, and it was why Erwin was here now. He was sure of it. Hanji must have transferred him to the ward. Hanji must have seen Erwin with him before he’d awoken. She must have known how good the man would be for him, and that’s why she’d transferred the man. And now, looking at the man’s face, he was seized with the urge to kiss Hanji, and tell her that he regretted throwing out her old baby blanket when they were eleven even though it had probably been the least sanitary looking thing he’d ever seen.

Erwin cocked his head to the side. He was looking at Levi too closely. Levi was afraid he would see how dirty and small he was and then leave, but he just stayed there, looking at him.

“So are you okay with me working here now? At least, for the time being?”

What a ridiculous question. Levi wanted to get down and beg the man to be with him every day for the rest of his life, and the man was worried about it being okay to work with him. Levi still hadn’t gotten over the fact that someone was treating his need for cleanliness as something legitimate. That he was somehow worth the effort of so much work. That _he_ was worth it. But once again all Levi did was nod. Erwin stood up. He was smiling again. He picked up the water bottle, and, when Levi had finished cleaning his hands, handed it to him. Levi cracked the top of it, brought the bottle to his lips, and chugged. He’d felt thirsty, but it was only after the first few swallows that his thirst truly awakened and came crashing down at him with a roar that came with a burning dryness. His hand was crushing the bottle in his grip and some of the water leaked out the corners of his mouth and ran down his chin and onto his lap. He realized he was shaking again. The now empty bottle dropped from his hands to the bed and his eyes snapped back up to Erwin’s. He was gasping for air--hadn’t stopped to breathe while he was drinking--and now his chest was heaving as he met the man’s alarmed eyes.

“It’s okay. I have more. I can give you more. As much as you want.”

“Thank you.”

“Of course.”

“No. _Thank you_.”

“Levi, it’s okay. It’s just water.”

But it wasn’t just water. Erwin had brought him the bottle, and he’d cleaned it and he’d cleaned Levi and the whole thing had been clean and perfect and it wasn’t just some damn water. It was so much more than that. Didn’t he know how much more than that it was? He must not have, because Erwin wasn’t shaking at all as he reached into the bucket and pulled out an identical bottle and began to scrub at it. “Drink this one slowly, all right? You haven’t eaten anything in three days--”

“Five.”

Erwin stopped scrubbing “What?”

“Five days. All i had in the two days before I was brought in was alcohol.”

That sounded really bad, and he felt himself cringe. “I’m not… I knew I had to eat. I wanted to, but…”

“You don’t have to say anything, Levi. You don’t have to justify anything. I’m not judging you.”

Levi’s mouth was still open. He wanted to say something else. Because he _wanted_ to justify it. He didn’t _want_ Erwin to see him the way he was. He wanted the man to see something better, something less pathetic. But Erwin saw him too well for that, and he actually didn’t seem to be judging and he hadn’t left, so… Levi shut his mouth.

Erwin resumed scrubbing. “Last night after you’d fallen asleep...You looked so _worn_. Too tired for tenseness. Too tired for anxiety. Your body was trying to keep up with your fevered mind but it couldn’t, it was just too tired.” He pressed the bottle into Levi’s hands. “You can rest with me. You don’t have to wait until your body collapses to get relief. I promise to try and make this transition as healthy as possible, but you’ve got to promise something in return.”

Levi didn’t want to make any promises. He was awful at promises. They always seemed to get broken in his hands. But he nodded, even though he didn’t know what Erwin would make him do.

Erwin lifted the cleaning bucket again. “Promise to be kind to your body. It loves you, and it’s trying. And I know you’re frustrated and you might even hate it by now, but it loves you, so be kind to it.”

It was the strangest idea Levi had yet contemplated. He’d always thought of his body as himself, but that wasn’t actually true. He also thought of his body as a weapon. It was his shield between himself and the germs. It was his interface with the world. He was his mind and his ideas and he was nestled in this vessel that was in contact with the terrifying world, and...it didn’t do a half bad job at keeping him safe. Despite his constant anxiety and the alcohol abuse his body kept trying to please him. To keep his heart beating, to keep his limbs moving. It did love him. Before Erwin it had been what had been doing all the cleaning. It had tried it’s hardest to give his mind the impossible standards of perfection he’d expected. It had tried so hard--driven itself until its eventual collapse--and even then it had kept trying, was _still_ trying.

Erwin tapped the bottle in his hands. “Your body needs to adjust to the changes in osmotic pressure, so drink it slowly.”  And then he turned around and headed into the bathroom.

Levi didn’t open the bottle right away, not until he heard some muffled sounds that indicated that Erwin had set to work. The man was cleaning the bathroom _again_.

_Why are you doing this for me? Why do you care so much_?

But Erwin couldn’t hear his thoughts and went right on cleaning. Levi wanted to get up and go to the man, but the room was too dirty even though his logic told him it was clean, so he was forced to stay put for what felt like days until he heard the sounds of the tub being filled, and then Erwin was standing in front of him again. His breathing was more labored now, but he still had enough breath to smile as he held out his arms. “Come.”

Levi barely felt the embarrassment this time as he wrapped his arms around the man’s neck and allowed Erwin to lift him.

“The water needs to be really hot,” Levi said. It was weird how his mouth twisted the words his brain really wanted to say which was basically “I’m amazed by your kindness, floored by your effort, and stunned by your beauty and I’m not really sure if I want to hug you or smack you for your perfection, but I’m terrified that you’ll leave and then things will be worse because I didn’t know people like you existed before.” Yeah, it was _definitely_ good that Erwin couldn’t read his thoughts. Definitely.

Erwin’s arm were exuding heat from his cleaning exertions and Levi could feel it seep into him, warming his blood. He wanted germs not to exist then not because they terrified him, but because they were ruining what would probably have been a perfect moment. He wanted to not feel them to not see them because he couldn’t see Erwin fully while they were there.

Erwin set him down on the edge of the tub and Levi dipped his toes into the water and found that it _was_ hot, though not quite as skin scorching hot as Levi would have ordinarily made for himself.

“It’s not hot enough.”

“Oh yes it is. Any hotter and your flesh will peel off your bones.”

“I want it hotter.”

“And I want a stable economy and equal rights for all members of society.”

“Well at least _my_ problem has an easy solution.”

“Touch that tap and I’ll smack the crap out of you, Levi.”

“I knew you had an air of repressed violence around you.”

“Yes. You seem to bring it out in me.”

“I’ve heard that before.”

“You’re still not touching that tap.”

“I used to be one of the top martial artists in the country. You wouldn’t be able to stop me.”

“You underestimate the power of my sheer stubbornness.”

“You underestimate how hot I want this water.”

“You’ll have to climb over my dead body to get to it.”

“Big words.”

“I’m a big man.”

_I noticed._ And he was still noticing, because Erwin was so close and there was no getting away from it, not that Levi wanted to get away with it. Which was strange because Erwin wasn’t clean, but then again, neither was Levi--not yet anyway. But that was about to change, especially since Erwin had reached forward and begun unbuttoning Levi’s shirt.

“What--”

“You don’t want to touch it, right?”

Well, no, he didn’t, the clothes were filthy, but still…

“You could warn me…” he grumbled.

Erwin smirked. “Why, my hands too cold?”

_No. Because you’re so damn hot._

Erwin pushed the shirt off of Levi’s shoulders and let it fall to the floor. There were goosebumps across Levi’s skin and hoped the man would blame it on the chilled hospital air conditioning. Erwin was smirking a little more. A bad sign. His hands moved for Levi’s pants, causing him to flinch.

“I’ve already seen you without your pants,” Erwin reminded him. Not that Levi needed any reminding.

“I can do the rest myself.”

“If that’s what you want.”

Levi didn’t know what he wanted, but he _was_ embarrassed, and that tended to make him snap at people. He glared at Erwin until the man actually laughed. It was a warm sound that made his stomach do a little flip. The blonde raised his hands up in the air in the universal form of surrender. “Okay, okay, I set everything up for you, but if you need anything--”

“I’ll get it myself,” Levi finished grumpily, and turned his back to the man.

He heard Erwin’s feet move to the door, but before it could close behind him, Levi glanced over his shoulder and caught a glimpse of the man’s gorgeous ass. _Wanna take a bite out of it._

The thought crossed his mind and nearly had him flailing backward into the tub. He wasn’t an ass-biter by nature. Any talk of butts should have made him nauseous, but Erwin’s didn’t. Erwin’s made him strangely _hungry_. Levi told himself it was because he hadn’t eaten in what felt like a year now, but he knew it was a lie. He was attracted to Erwin--dangerously so. He knew it, Hanji knew it, and it looked like Erwin knew it too, damn the bastard. He didn’t know what to do with it. It had been over ten years since he’d felt anything even approaching this, not that it had ever been this intense, or this fast. He wanted to think it was just his vulnerability that was doing it. It was too terrifying to contemplate that it might be real--that another person could affect him that much. So he ignored it and set to undressing himself. His agitation helped him forget his anxiety about the germs and soon he had chucked the rest of his clothes to the side, and he slid off the edge and into the tub.

He let out a breath that was deeper than any he’d let out since he’d been dragged in here.

Most people who knew Levi would claim he didn’t know how to relax, but that was because most people only saw Levi when he was out of his element. They’d never seen the way he practically melted when he was in water. They thought he liked being that way--always tense, always aware, but it was exhausting, but now--now the change was so sudden he actually felt dizzy from it. He rested his head against the back of the tub. He wouldn’t normally do that, but Erwin had scrubbed it, and that made it okay today. He felt his chest grow tight which was stupid because he shouldn’t have wanted to cry from a stupid bath no matter how good it felt. He let his body sink low until only his face was exposed, and closed his eyes. Two seconds later he groaned. This was because a certain blonde heartthrob had popped into his mind like he had been waiting to appear.

_Go away._

The Erwin in his mind’s eye smirked. _But you don’t want me to._

_Shut up._

_Make me._

The made up Erwin leaned back on his elbows. The motion caused his uniform shirt to ride up, exposing the V of his hips. _You want to touch me._

_I don’t._

_You want to so much your hands are shaking._

_You’re dirty._

_I’m cleaner than Hanji._

_Hanji is different._

_Why?_

_Because she’d never hurt me._

The fake Erwin reached down and lazily pulled off his uniform shirt. Levi’s throat was dry. He licked his lips but it didn’t help. Fake Erwin crossed his arms behind his head and stared back at Levi smugly.

_Stop that. You’re not that hot._

_I’m the hottest damn man you’ve ever seen and we both know it._

_Fuck you._

_I’d rather be the one doing the fucking, but at least your mind’s moving in the right direction now._

_Don’t._

_Why?_

_I’m afraid._

_Why?_

_Because you’re not an asshole._

_Isn’t that a good thing?_

_Why?_

_Because I’m a disappointment_

_You’re not._

_Stop lying._

_But you’re not._

_I’ve disappointed every damn person in my life._

_You’ve disappointed yourself._

_That too._

_I don’t think you’re a disappointment._

_Give it time._

_You gave Hanji time. She doesn’t see you as a disappointment._

_I’ve disappointed her most of all._

_When are you going to stop doing that?_

_“What?_

_Being your own worst enemy._

_When my friends come back to life._

_What happened to them?_

_I don’t want to talk about it._

_Why do you blame yourself?_

_I said I don’t want to talk about it._

_Levi you’re not a killer._

_I said I’m not gonna fucking talk about it you damn--_

Fake Erwin winked out of existence as Levi’s shoulders were shaken.

“Levi!”

Levi blinked his eyes opened, his pupil’s contracting with the light. His head was swimming and he felt cold, and when his eyes focused, he jumped. “Erwin.”

The blonde squeezed his eyes shut. “Are you trying to give me a heart attack, Levi?”

A muscle in the man’s jaw was jumping. Levi realized he’d never seen the man agitated before. “Not really.”

“Well then stop trying to fucking die on me.”

“I wasn’t trying to--”

“Your face went under the water just as I was coming in to check on you!”

“Whoops.”

“That’s all you have to say?”

Levi didn’t like the antagonism in the man’s voice and found his defenses prickling up.

“What do you want me to say?”

“How about ‘I’m sorry’?”

“For what?”

“You almost died on my shift!”

“Oh, right, wouldn’t want to give you all that paperwork.”

He knew it was a mistake. He knew it as soon as the words left his mouth, even before he saw the shock, like a wet slap, across Erwin’s face.

_No. No wait--_

Erwin let go of him.

_Have to fix it._

Erwin had done far too much for what Levi had accused him of. Erwin had cared too much. He couldn’t just dismiss it like that. He had to do something. Had to erase the distance he’d suddenly caused. His hand shot out and grabbed Erwin’s wrist. Erwin stopped. Levi’s fingers wrapped around the wrist tightly. “I didn’t mean it.” He looked Erwin right in the eye because he had to. Erwin still looked shocked. “I didn’t.” he said again. It wasn’t enough. He would have to be revealing again. His eyes flicked down and he clenched his teeth together. “I’m just...not used to people caring. I’m stupidly awkward about it. Gives me social issues. I do appreciate...your concern.”

“And…?” Erwin was not letting him get off the hook easily.

Levi waved goodbye to his tough guy attitude. “And I’m sorry.”

Since he was looking down, he couldn’t prepare himself for Erwin’s touch when the man’s fingers found his hair. His touch was soft, but his voice was even softer. “All right. I’ll think about forgiving you.”

“You’ll _think_ about it? That was the first apology I’ve given anyone in over two years.”

“Not my fault you’re a stingy apologist,” he said, and picked up a bottle of shampoo.

Levi eyed the bottle warily. “What do you think you’re doing?”

Erwin squirted a quarter sized amount into his palm. “You fell asleep when I left this to you. It’s your incompetence that caused this.”

“Erwin get the hell away from me.”

“Make me.”

This response from the _real_ Erwin made him freeze, and gave Erwin the perfect opportunity to grab his head.

Levi reached up to smack his hands away, but Erwin smacked them right back. “Let me work in peace.”

“I--you--honestly, the _nerve_. You come into _my_ tub, harassing _my_ hair-- _”_

“Are you quite done?”

“Are you?”

“No. I’ll need to do your body next.”

“In your dreams, nurse boy.”

“I’m thirty seven years old.”

“Doesn’t feel good, does it?”

“I’m definitely scrubbing your body now--starting with your butt.”

“Touch my butt and die.”

“A fair exchange.”

“I’m serious! Don’t get any fucking closer!”

Erwin began to roll his pants legs up. The more panicked Levi looked the more Erwin smiled. “Or what? You’ll splash me to death?” he asked, picking up the body wash.

“I’m fucking warning you!”

“You’ve been doing that for some time now.” He began lathering up his hands.

“I’ll--I’ll--”

ERwin stepped into the bath and tackled Levi. They went down in a tidal wave of water and bubbles.

“You shitty _fuck!”_ Levi roared and grabbed hold of Erwin’s shoulders in order to shove him off. Erwin grabbed his arms. “Don’t you like cleaning time?”

“Get off me you huge son of a bitch!”

“Wow we sure made a big puddle. That’s what happens when you don’t keep still.”

Levi’s hands were caught up in soaking wet material and slippery flesh. He was very aware of the fact that Erwin was pressed down against his naked body.

“You awful--you fucking--”

Erwin cupped Levi’s face in his hands. His face was exceedingly gentle. It was such a shocking difference from half a second ago that Levi’s heart jumped up and nestled in his esophagus. “Am I making you uncomfortable?”

Levi’s heart began to hammer out the beat to the fastest song in the world. _Shit. So close. He’s even hotter up close. Damn it, where are this man’s flaws? Who the fuck thought it was okay to let this man’s shirt get wet? And oh god it’s translucent. I can see his fucking nipples for Christ’s sake. Shit. It’s like a second skin. Don’t look down. Don’t look at his pants. Too late. Fuck that’s what he looks like flaccid? Is it even possible to be that big? Shit you can see the whole outline. Is he even wearing underwear? Oh god don’t think about that you’ll get a hard on for sure. Shit it’s already starting fuck fuck fuck fuck!_

Levi wanted to sink down into the water to try and hide what was clearly becoming a problem down under, but Erwin was still holding onto his face. His fingers were callused but held him so softly that he couldn’t feel their roughness. One thumb, just one, slid down and grazed his jaw. Levi felt electric fire zing down its pathway. Levi felt the air thin out around him so that even though the bath water was cooling he was only growing dizzier. _Say something, anything, you shit, before he looks down and investigates, god damn it!_

“A-A little,” he admitted honestly.

And that’s when every trace of gentleness disappeared to be replaced by the wickedest smile Levi had ever laid eyes on. “I know. Isn’t it fun?”

Just like that Levi’s pounding attraction turned to pounding rage. “You’re doing it on _purpose?”_

“I think I found a new hobby.”

Levi tackled him, and this splash was even bigger than the first. “I was wrong! You _are_ an asshole!”

Erwin looked up serenely as if Levi _wasn’t_ trying to drown him. “Was there ever any doubt?”

“I’m going to kill you!”

“I don’t think there’s enough bath water left to drown me.”

“I’ll find a way.”

“How bout you just let me wash you. That sounds a lot less exhausting.”

“You’re not touching my butt.”

“You let me touch it yesterday.”

“Bring that up again and I will permanently damage you.”

“Is it weird that I find your threats endearing?”

“Very.”

Erwin took hold of Levi’s wrist and looked at it, as if he was trying to see something. Levi looked down as well, and the next thing he knew he was face down in the tub with his arm pulled tight behind his back.

“What the fuck!”

“Top martial artist my ass. I can still top you with my outdated college wrestling team moves.” Levi began to squirm but Erwin paid it no mind as he held him down with one hand and began to scrub him

“You’re more annoying than my neighbor’s chihuahua.”

“Now you sound like my mom.”

“Your poor mother. How does she live with the guilt of having birthed you?”

“Mainly alcohol.”

Levi shot a sharp look over his shoulder to find a grinning unapologetic Erwin. The man actually went there. He. Went. _There_. Levi couldn’t help it. He did something he hadn’t done in eons. He laughed. It just burst out of him, sounding a bit rusty, but genuine. “Sorry but that particular outlet of dealing with things has been closed to me at the moment. Does she have any other suggestions?”

Erwin, for his part, looked so intensely proud of himself for his success that he sort of resembled a golden retriever--a big, wet, gloriously buff retriever. He was still scrubbing Levi with gentle but firm motions. Levi found himself leaning into the touch despite his previous struggling.

“Well you could always try yoga. You seem pretty flexible if the weird pretzel shape I found you in yesterday was anything to go by.” he handed Levi the soap bottle and then began to work on Levi’s ears. Levi understood. Erwin was leaving him to scrub his lower half by himself--thank god.

“No way, that’s some meditation level shit. I’m no good at that.”

“Why? You seem like a focused person.”

“When I try to empty my mind things always creep back in. Bad things. Things I’ve done. Not just when I’m thinking. All the time. I don’t know how to stop it. And the more I make mistakes, the more--”

Erwin stopped scrubbing, and, when he tugged at Levi’s shoulder, Levi did too. Erwin twisted him around and tugged lightly at his hair. “Humans spend the majority of their lives reliving things that have already happened, over and over in their minds like some awful broken record. We all do it, but...don’t get sucked too deeply into it. Form new memories, better ones. Ones that don’t haunt you.”

As if it was that easy. As if he could just go into “fun” mode and make everything butterflies and rainbows.

“It always goes bad. I end up doing something and always--”

“Not when you’re with me. I won’t let it happen when you’re with me.”

Erwin let go of him and then reached down and pulled out the plug. The gurgling of the drain swallowed the remaining water down in seconds. Erwin turned on the shower, pulled down the shower head, and began to wash the soap off of Levi, starting with his hair. His nails scraped lightly over Levi’s scalp. It was hard not to shiver. It was also hard to stay embarrassed when every touch felt like safety.

_I’m falling for him. It’s stupid and useless and I’m in no shape to do so, but I’m falling for him and he’s making it way too damn easy._

When he was clean, Erwin eased Levi back into a princess carry, and stepped out of the bath. He left large wet footprints as he dripped his way through the bathroom and back into the main room, where, to his surprise, Levi saw a waiting wheelchair.

“What…?”

Erwin set him down in it. It smelled like antiseptic. The blonde went to Levi’s closet and brought back another stack of clothes and began to help the man get dressed.

“I cleaned it while you were snoozing in the bath.

“Funny, but I don’t recall breaking my legs anytime in the recent past.”

“It’s for clean transport, though if you want to play the part better you can make sympathetic invalid sounds every so often.”

“Where the hell are we going?”

“To complete the goal of the day.”

“Which is?”

“Finally get some damn food in your stomach.”

“No thanks. This hospital food is filthy and foul.”

“How bout food that’s foul, but--wait for it--clean?”

Levi snorted. “I suppose cleanliness ranks higher than taste on my scale. Why?”

Erwin grinned. Levi couldn’t help noticing how perfect the man’s teeth were. He had the extraordinarily odd urge to stroke them that he, thankfully, repressed. “Well you’re a lucky man Levi.”

“Why do I have this awful niggling feeling that I’m about to go through something painful and horrifying?”

“Because you’re going to be the third person alive to try my cooking.”

“Wait...alive?”

“Well one of them’s dead.”

“Your cooking was _that_ bad?”

“Let’s just say I hope you have an iron stomach.”

“Oh god. You know what? Dying of starvation doesn’t sound so bad anymore.”

“Too late. I’m already in the cooking mood.” And with that, Levi was dressed, and Erwin began to wheel him out of the room.

“Any last words?” Erwin asked.

“Go fuck yourself with a rabid canary.”

“Kinky bastard.”

“Hey--I didn’t tell you to _enjoy_ it.”

“Well then what’s the point?”

“I hope they never let you into a pet shop. EVER.”

It was only when they arrived at the bank of elevators that Levi realized that he was out of his room--semi-willingly--for the first time since he’d arrived here. Erwin nodded toward the man already standing there. He had sunken eyes and a bald head. Levi was starting to wonder if Erwin and Hanji were the only staff members with hair. Levi glanced at the man’s nametag. It had SHADIS written on it in big blocky letters.

“Morning Keith,” Erwin said. The man grunted in response.

“That the new arrival? The one everyone’s been talking about?”

“Yup. Ain’t he a cutie?”

Levi growled. Erwin ruffled his hair. Shadis eyes them both with distaste. “What’re you doing up on this floor.”

“Got transferred this morning.”

“Really? I didn’t hear anything about it.”

“It was sort of last minute.”

“This damn place is run like a madhouse.”

“It _is_ a madhouse,” Levi muttered.

The elevator dinged and slid open.

“Auruo won’t be happy to hear about the transfer.”

“Auruo hasn’t been happy since he found out that Petra was a lesbian. He’s used to it.”

Levi snickered. Erwin pushed him into the elevator and asked the handsome blonde already inside to hit the button for the ground floor. The man was wearing a nametag that said JINN. The man did a double take but did as asked. “Weren’t you—“

“Got transferred today.”

“Oh man, Gunther is going to be royally pissed. He and Auruo—“

“You know they _did_ manage to function before I started here a year ago.”

“Yeah, _barely._ The kids don’t listen to them like they do you.”

“They listen to Hanji.”

“Because Hanji’s crazy as _fuck_.”

Levi thought about coming to her defense, being the best friend and all, but realized the man’s words were indisputable fact and let the words slide.

“They’ll be fine.”

“We’re all going to burn down in flames.”

“Aww, come on, Christa’s gotten a lot better.”

“She’ll regress now that you’re gone. They better update the sprinkler system. Not going to pull any overnights here until they do. Jesus. It’s always the angelic looking ones…”

The elevator dinged and Erwin pushed Levi out before he could start asking questions like “what the hell kind of patients do you have here anyway?”

Erwin swung a left, nodding toward people as he passed and went down a long hallway that led to a set of large swinging doors. “It’ll be a little crowded, but I already asked them to rope an area off for me. I did the preliminary cleaning early this morning so it shouldn’t take too long. I know you must be starving…” The blonde pushed one of the doors open with his shoulder and wheeled Levi into an industrial kitchen. People outfitted in hairnets and aprons scurried about shouting orders shoving things onto stovetops. Levi shrank back in his chair, but Erwin’s hand was already there squeezing his shoulder. “I won’t let any of them touch you. I warned them already. Don’t worry.”

Levi nodded. Erwin gave his shoulder one last squeeze and pushed Levi forward until they were all the way back in the farthest corner of the room. On the counter was a bucket of cleaning products similar to the one Erwin had upstairs. Erwin parked Levi by the counter and opened the refrigerator standing nearby. From it he removed a large bowl covered in foil. He took it down and placed it on the counter. It was wrapped three times, and when all the foil was removed it was revealed to be holding eggs, bread, fruit, cheese, and various vegetables. Erwin pulled out a new cleaning wipe and began to scrub at the outside of an apple. “I took everything from closed packages before the kitchen staff could get to any of it, and I used a pack of sterile gloves to—“

“Erwin.” Levi’s voice cracked on the word. He didn’t care. “Erwin, I—“

The blonde stopped scrubbing and reached out to take the hand Levi was stretching out to him. “Don’t look at me like that, Levi. You won’t be so grateful after you actually taste my cooking.”

“ _Erwin_.”

“Shh. Seriously, don’t. You’ll embarrass the hell out of me.”

But Erwin was already pulling Levi close and then Levi’s face was pressed to the man’s chest. It was still wet and smelled like soap. “I don’t know how to repay this. I…”

“Focus on getting well. That’s the only thing I want, Levi.”

“I’m such a burden. You put in so much effort and I…what I said earlier…”

“I was only kidding about the whole “thinking about forgiving you” thing, honestly, Levi.”

Erwin pulled a pocket sized sanitizer from his wet scrubs and squeezed some into Levi’s hands before handing him the apple. “Eat that to start with. Your stomach has probably shrunk down to nothing and it’ll take some time to get it back up and running.” He smoothed Levi’s wet hair back and trailed his knuckles down the man’s face before drawing back. He was smiling. Levi thought his heart would explode. He never thought kindness would be his greatest weakness. Erwin waited until Levi had taken a bite of the apple before he pulled out a frying pan and more antiseptic wipes and began to scrub.

That apple was the best thing Levi had tasted in a long time. Sure, it had a slight taste of antiseptic, but that didn’t matter. Erwin had cleaned it. He’d found it, and put it aside, and cleaned it for Levi. The first few bites left him kind of nauseous, but soon he found his stomach adjusting and he realized he was actually ravenous. It took Erwin a while to finish cleaning, but all the while he supplied Levi with freshly cleaned fruits and vegetables. All of which Levi ate without question. It was all clean, Erwin had made sure. Eventually Erwin finished making a pan of eggs and toast which he laid out on a tray for Levi before wheeling him out to the center’s garden. He took him to a quiet place in the back where there was a small pond with overgrown goldfish and small turtles. Levi named one of them—a particularly crabby and wrinkled one—Shadis. Erwin agreed that there was a remarkable resemblance.

If Levi had thought the blonde beautiful before, he was radiant outdoors. His hair glinted with the sunlight and his eyes shown bright, the blue striking him even deeper. And Levi was lost--so lost in the man. Several times Erwin reached out and touched Levi. Once to smooth back his hair, once to swat away a fly, and once to brush several crumbs from his lips. The last was the one that nearly paralyzed Levi. Electric attraction sizzled down right through him straight to his stomach making it twist and lurch and feel things no man his age had a right to feel.

_Why? Why now when I’m at my worst? Why did he have to see me this way? Maybe before—before the alcohol. Before the deaths. Maybe then he could have seen me as someone who…but no, I was always messed up. Dad said so. It was the only thing he got right. I—_

A touch. Another one. This time on his shoulder. Levi jerked out of his thoughts, instantly wanting more. Erwin was peering into his face. “You disappearing on me again?”

He shook his head. “No. I’m here.”

Erwin pushed a strand of Levi’s hair back behind his ear. It was dry now. They’d been outside a long time. “Good. How you feeling?”

“A little tired,” Levi admitted. It was the truth, but he didn’t really want to say so. He wanted to stay out with Erwin, to see the man’s smile and to make up more stupid animal nicknames to make the man laugh.

“I thought so. You’ll feel pretty sleepy over the next couple of weeks. Your body’s trying to repair itself. You should let it rest and—“

“Be kind to my body. Yes, I haven’t forgotten.”

Levi watched Erwin’s slow smile and felt his own tugged from his lips. The blonde wheeled Levi back into the center, up the elevator, and back into his room. Yes, _his_ room. He was starting to identify with it. It was clean and smelled like the flowers Erwin had picked for it outside. Erwin sat Levi in the tub and showered him off quickly. He helped Levi into a set of crisply folded pajamas and, after changing the bed sheets, eased him into bed. Looking at Erwin’s kind face it was almost possible to believe that god could exist.

Erwin pressed back against Levi’s shoulders until the man was nestled on top of his pillow. The blonde pulled up the bed covers, but before he could draw back, Levi reached out and took the man’s wrist in his hand. “What is it, Levi?”

Levi felt his gratitude well up inside of him like one of the overly enthusiastic pond goldfish. It expressed itself in the form of a soft smile. Levi couldn’t see it on his face, so he couldn’t see the softness or openness in it. But Erwin did. He was one of the rare few who were had ever had a chance at it.

“After the first few days here, I didn’t think…Well, as melodramatic as this sounds I thought I was going to die. Everything was too painful and too scary and I just didn’t want to be conscious for any of it but…I can’t believe how you…” he took in a breath and started again. “I had a really good day today Erwin. I got to sit around like a prince for most of it while you slaved away but—“

“I had a good time too, Levi. Especially the scrubbing your butt part.”

“Hey! I did that myself, remember?”

“You’re right. What a shame. I’m calling dibs on the next time.”

“There’s no butt-dibs!”

“Yes there is. I just made it up. Weren’t you paying attention?”

“You’re the one not paying attention. I was trying to say something and then you went and ruined the moment.”

“We were having a moment?”

“Yes, you ass. But Christ knows I won’t be trying to have another one for a very very long—“

Erwin kissed him.

It was so fast and so unexpected, that before Levi could even begin to process the shock of it, it was over. It was just a quick brush of lips, dry and chaste, but that somehow made it perfect, and Levi wanted to scream for a do-over—one in which he was prepared—because he wanted to try again. He wanted to feel those lips—softer than he’d expected—against his own again. Maybe for even more than half a second, because even though his brain was shouting statistics at him—that the human mouth was dirtier than any animal’s, and that the level of germ exchange that occurred with kisses was more than anything else he’d done or touched all day, or that he hadn’t ever let anyone kiss him before—he wanted it. He wanted Erwin’s lips. He didn’t care that there was no antiseptic in sight. He didn’t care that Erwin hadn’t showered after he’d come in from outside. He wanted the man to wrap his arms around him and kiss him again. But he didn’t ask him to, instead his quickly overheating mind made him blurt, “How did you know?”

“That you’re gay?” Erwin asked. He was doing the proud smirk thing again. “I think there’s only so many hours you can stare at my ass before I start to get the hint.

_Shit!_ He should have known that his ass-staring wouldn’t have gone unnoticed for long, but really, he couldn’t help it. Erwin’s rear was like a godly beacon drawing him in and begging to be touched, and Levi was just a mere mortal after all. How was he to be expected to resist it?

His mind was leading him down the path toward full blown panic, but Erwin managed to stem its flow partially by brushing Levi’s hair back off his face. “You should get some sleep now. Remember you have the emergency call button if you need anything.”

He handed Levi his small sanitizer. Levi looked at it and then back up at Erwin. “Don’t overdo it or I’ll have to take it back, okay? I want you to be comfortable but your health is my top priority.”

He pulled the blanket up over Levi and turned to go. Levi wanted to tell him to stop. To come back and kiss him again, but he didn’t. His body was still too surprised. When Erwin reached the doorway he twisted his head over his shoulder, and the smile on the man’s face made Levi’s chest muscles ache. “Sweet dreams Levi.” And then he was gone.

Levi’s hand came up and touched his lips—touched what Erwin had left behind. Germs but also…something else. He looked down at the sanitizer. He wanted to use it. He wanted to go over every inch of himself until he was sterile. But Erwin’s hands had touched him, brushed him, and his lips had touched his, and even though there were so many germs he didn’t want to get rid of all of it. Not that.

Slowly he squeezed a bit of it out onto his hands and began to carefully massage it into his fingers and the spaces under his nails, but his lips he left alone. Soon the task was done and he tucked the precious little bottle into his shirt after he’d cleaned it off. It was the first piece of home he’d been given—and it had been given to him by Erwin. Feeling its weight he was able to close his eyes, even though he was alone, and, after about 15 minutes of frenzied thinking—about the kiss, about his time outside with the man, about when he would be able to see him again—he drifted off to sleep.

\--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was going to wait until the weekend to post this but I just wanted to share already. I hope you guys like it. I needed some tooth rotting fluff, so I stuffed some in there. (This chapter wasn't even supposed to HAVE a bath scene, but my typing fingers couldn't seem to help themselves. maybe that's why it's so damn long...) I've already started the next chapter and I might be able to post it as soon as friday/saturday. As always I love you guys, and your comments, and I hope you're enjoying.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3:

Levi woke up, eased himself up, thought about Erwin, and promptly fell back onto his pillow again. He repeated this sequence several times, with slight variations, over the next hour. However, the novelty of Erwin kissing him couldn’t quite cover his impatience to see the man again--if anything, it inflamed it, so that by the time two and a half hours rolled around and Erwin still hadn’t shown up, he was grumpier than the time Hanji had ruined the alphabetical order his books had been shelved in.

_What if he regrets it? What if he hated kissing me so much that he requested a transfer back? What if he realized what a nut I was and was afraid I would somehow infect him with my madness. What if--_

“Careful Levi, you’re beginning to steam from your ears.”

Levi’s head shot up, and, when he found Erwin’s lovely smirking face, he experienced both intense relief and a strong urge to murder the cocky bastard. This must have reflected itself on his face because Erwin said. “You need to go to the bathroom again? You look severely constipated.”

That did it. Levi was done with the man. He’d ignore him for the rest of the day. He was way too perky and cheerful looking while Levi had been a nervous doubting wreck. He definitely didn’t deserve anything from him. Nothing. Not a word.

“Kiss me again.”

God damn it. He really had no reserve when it came to the blonde.

Erwin grinned. “You liked that, didn’t you?”

“You going to do it, or am I going to have to stomp on your face?”

“What a charmer. My hearts all fluttery now.”

“Bastard.”

“The bastard you want to kiss.”

“Don’t remind me.”

Levi’s fingers were curled tightly in order to hide their trembling. Erwin came back. He’d come back even after he’d kissed him, and he was looking just as playful and interested as he had before. He hadn’t driven the man off. He hadn’t ruined it yet.

His stomach felt like it was full of air and glitter. He wanted to laugh but he was afraid that if he did he would sound like a madman. He liked Erwin. He liked him very very much, and that had been revealed to him when he’d been afraid that he wouldn’t be seeing the man again.

“I’ll give you another one.”

Levi’s eyes rounded out and his breath caught. But Erwin was looking too cheeky. Something was wrong.

“But…”

Levi found his fingers twitching to strangle the man. “But what?”

“But you have to do something first.”

Levi growled. He sat up, threw off the blanket and glared at the man. “Bartering your kisses?”

“Of course. They’re a valuable recourse.”

“I really can’t stand you.”

“So does that mean you refuse?”

Levi wanted to say yes. He wanted to keep his pride. But he also really wanted to kiss Erwin again--to see if it was just a fluke. To see if he actually could feel it, that hunger, like other people--normal people--did. And he knew which part of him would win.

“What do you want?”

Really, the look on Erwin’s face was so smug that he deserved to be kicked right in his beautiful face by a sociopathic donkey. “I want you to go to group circle today.”

Levi increased the level of his glare. He was really on form today, but Erwin didn’t scream. He didn’t even flinch. “The hell is group circle?” Levi asked.

“It’s a therapeutic group activity,” Erwin explained. “Some of it’s bullshit, but on the whole it’s usually pretty good. Most of the patients here enjoy it and find it helpful. And even if you don’t, it’ll get you acquainted with some of the other people here and just knowing you’re not the only one struggling can help.”

“I don’t want to.”

“I didn’t think you would. That’s why I’m bribing you.”

“Why?”

“Because I think it’ll help you.”

“I don’t.”

“Do you want the kiss or not?”

Levi crossed his arms over his chest and looked mutinous. Erwin waited. He didn’t have to wait long.

“Fine. Now kiss me.”

“Sorry. I don’t deliver the goods before the service has been rendered.”

“I’m going to render your butt a new asshole.”

“No time for that. Group circle starts in ten minutes.”

Levi felt himself getting even pricklier and it was because he didn’t feel like he had all of Erwin’s attention. The man was already moving to Levi’s wheelchair. He pulled out a couple of antiseptic wipes and began to give it a quick rubdown. It was nowhere near the level of care he’d put into it before.

_He’s losing interest. He couldn’t keep it up. I knew it. No one could care that much. No one has that much patience. No one likes me that much._

Erwin glanced up, and when he saw Levi’s face, his smile melted away. “You okay, Levi?”

“Yeah.”

“No you aren’t.”

“Shut up.”

“Levi…”

“I told you I’d go, didn’t I? I’m fine.”

Erwin put down the wipes and stood up. He crossed the room and stood before Levi’s bed. “Can I--”

Before he’d even finished asking permission, Levi was already falling into his arms. He pressed his face to Erwin’s chest and let out a soft miserable sound.

“Levi…” Erwin’s hands came up around him and gripped him tightly. “Levi wait. Don’t get upset. I should have explained. I’m sorry. Let me explain. Shit. You look like you’re going to cry.”

“I’m not going to fucking cry.” But he certainly felt like it. He was biting down on his lip and forcing himself not to blink because he was afraid that he would do just that. His voice was hoarse.

“You’d be more than justified. I just now realized what this looks like. Listen Levi,” Erwin drew back so that Levi could see his face. “You thought I abandoned you, right? Thought I, I don’t know, grew sick of you or something and went back to the behavioral addictions ward. Is that what you thought?”

Levi could only nod.

Erwin winced. “And just now you probably thought that I was rushing you, right? That I can’t be bothered to look out for you properly. That I’ve grown tired of caring about you.”

Levi nodded again. He was afraid that his lip was wobbling. The words sounded so real on Erwin’s lips.

Erwin grabbed Levi close again, crushing his face to his chest. “I just put on this uniform before coming in here,” the blonde said quickly. “And I took a shower just--”

“I don’t care,” Levi interrupted, squeezing his eyes shut and breathing in Erwin’s familiar smell. His fingers fisted the back of the man’s uniform. “It doesn’t matter.”

“That makes me happy to hear.”

“It’s the truth.”

“I know it is, Levi. That’s why I’m so happy. But let me tell _you_ the truth. I didn’t abandon you this morning. Well, not willingly anyway. We had some emergencies in the ward. Sasha broke her leg trying to surf down the stairs in a cardboard box and Eren broke Jean’s nose over some gaming trivia or something like that. It was awful, and the ruckus set off a lot of the other patients. Marco started crying and Christa used the opportunity to try and steal Nile’s lighter, and Reiner tried for another escape attempt. And god, it was just such a mess. I did manage to run back here a few hours ago, but when I popped my head in you were still sleeping and before I could leave a note they paged me about the Reiner thing. And then I had to go and tackle him on the front lawn and shit, the neighbors must think we’re abusive as fuck, but--why the hell are you smiling?”

Erwin had come to check on him. Erwin had been detained against his will. Erwin hadn’t grown tired of him after all. How could he _not_ be smiling?

“You curse more when you’re agitated.”

“Doesn’t everybody?”

“I don’t know, but it’s kind of hot.”

“Well I’m a hot guy.”

“I suppose you’re decent looking.”

Erwin brushed Levi’s hair back. One of these days, when he had more confidence, Levi was going to tell him how much he loved when he did that.

“Maybe I should make an escape attempt. I’d like to see you try and tackle me.”

“It’s too soon to joke about. The bastard has more muscle mass than I’ll ever have. It was like trying to tackle a train.”

That gave Levi pause. If even someone like Erwin was experiencing muscle envy, then this Reiner guy must have been buff as fuck.

“As for your second concern…” Erwin tilted Levi’s chin up. “I have no interest in rushing you. I have no interest in making you do anything that doesn’t help you, and I have no interest in lessening the amount of time I spend with you. If I thought group circle wouldn’t help, I never would have brought it up. If I thought you needed more than ten minutes to get ready I would never try to stuff it into 10 minutes. You know me better than that by now, Levi, don’t you?”

Levi had to admit that he did.

Erwin smiled and then pressed his knuckles to Levi’s lips. Levi’s heart skipped a beat and his stomach lurched, but he stopped himself from kissing Erwin’s hand and instead simply looked back at the man, waiting.

Erwin’s smile was huge and warm. “You see? two days ago If I’d walked in and did that you would have buried my head so far up into the ceiling only the bottom of my shoes would have been visible. Look how far you’ve come already. Look at you, Levi. You’re a marvel.”

“It’s only because it’s you.”

“That doesn’t matter. If I’d done this to you even yesterday morning you probably would have started shaking. But you didn’t now. You’re improving that rapidly. I had to scrub that wheelchair for over forty minutes yesterday, but I knew that today I would need less than five. Because you’re making incredible progress, and I’m so proud of you Levi, I really am. You’re bright, and highly adaptive. I noticed those traits within the first five minutes of meeting you. I want to keep up with your pace. I don’t want to slow you down. That’s why I’m not going to clean for longer than you need, because I refuse to hold you back like that. If you need it, then of course I’ll do it, and I’ll be happy to, but you didn’t need it. I could tell as soon as I walked in and saw your grumpy face.

Erwin was right. He didn’t need it. At least today he didn’t. But how had he known that?

Erwin chuckled seeing the question in Levi’s eyes. “The last two mornings I walked in here you were wound up tighter than a clock spring. Your skin couldn’t bear to touch anything. But this morning, though you looked pissed off, you were still relatively relaxed, and you didn’t seem to be thinking about your bed’s germs at all.

Levi gaped at him. He was right. He’d been so preoccupied with wanting to dump Erwin in the lake that he hadn’t thought about becoming diseased.

Erwin ruffled his hair and stood up looking horrifically cheerful again. The scary part was that Levi was afraid the man was affecting him too. His grin was dangerously close to the sappy end of the spectrum.

“All right. Let’s get you into the shower and then we can--”

“I can go without it.”

Erwin blinked. “Um. Are you sure about--”

“It’ll be a little uncomfortable, but I’m going to be uncomfortable in the stupid social thing anyway so it won’t really make much of a difference.”

“Levi I already said that I have no interest in rushing you. We can come late. It’s okay.”

Levi knew that Erwin wasn’t lying. He wouldn’t hold it against Levi. But Erwin was always so awesome--it was only fair that Levi try as hard as he did.

“No. I said I’ll be there, so I’ll be there. Now pick me up because that floor is still kind of scary.”

Erwin reached forward, squeezed Levi’s cheeks and pressed a smacking kiss to the top of his head. “You’re so fucking badass, you know that? It’s sexy as hell.”

If Levi didn’t know what a collected and calm person Erwin was he would swear the man was actually giddy right now. If he’d known such small actions could make the other man so happy he would have never refused him anything in the first place.

The spot on his scalp that Erwin had kissed was tingling distractingly and for the first time Levi knew what it felt like to stand on top of the world. Only Erwin would have seen what a big deal this was. Only Erwin was perceptive enough.

Levi blushed. “It’s not that big a deal.”

Erwin swung him up into his arms. “You’re just worried that if we’re late I’ll use that as an excuse to renege on our deal.”

That actually _hadn’t_ occurred to Levi, but he was definitely worrying about it _now._

“Just hurry up and get this over with.”

“Yes sir, Mr. Bossy Midget.”

“Do you really have to pick on _all_ my insecurities today?”

“I’m anything if not thorough.”

Erwin plopped him down in the wheelchair. “You want to change first or…?”

“I don’t think I can face this wearing anything but my pajamas.”

“That’s what I thought.” He grabbed the handles and began to push Levi out of the room. “Oh and don’t worry about food. I brought some to the room already.”

“You smug little...you’re really confident in your persuasive abilities, aren’t you?”

“No. I just know I’m a good kisser.”

Levi reached back and smacked him. This earned him another hair ruffle.

Erwin bypassed the elevator and kept moving down the hallway. “You know I wouldn’t tease you so much if your reactions weren’t so golden.”

“Your voice gives me a headache. You know that?”

Erwin looked ready to respond, but a sudden shout interrupted him.

“Levi!”

Levi yanked his head up, a shocked smile already blooming across his face before his eyes even landed on the redhead. He found her about thirty feet ahead of him and leaning on a plain looking black cane. Her face was a mixture of surprise and pleasure, much like Levi’s. She dropped the cane and raced toward him.

“Levi! Oh my goodness I was so worried, when Hanji told me I started crying like a stupid--”

“What the hell are you doing out of bed, woman?” Levi snapped, remembering himself even as he was leaning forward out toward her. “You just had surgery!”

Petra waved her hand. “It was just my gallbladder. But who cares about me, Levi you look great, I was so afraid because of what Hanji said, I had to rush over and--can I hug you today. I mean, with the germs and all. Is that --?”

But Levi had already pulled her down into his arms. “It looks like we have synced disaster times.”

Petra, who had been pulled down to Levi’s lap, looked down at him. There was so much love in her face, and yet, she wasted no time in pulling back her hand and slapping him across the face. Hard. The sound echoed through the hall. Levi felt his cheek pulse with the heat of it, but, more than that, even hotter trickles of shame. “I guess I deserved that.”

“Levi, are you—“

Petra ignored Erwin, threw her arms around Levi was still for several pregnant seconds, and then began to sob, and Erwin, who had reached forward protectively, put his arm down and closed his mouth. She clutched at Levi’s shirt and ground her face into the front of it. “Asshole! You asshole! You told us you were cutting down! You told us to give you space! You told us you were seeing a therapist. You told us you were starting to accept the deaths. You told us so many damn things you asshole liar bastard! Why?”

He could feel her tears soak into his front. This poor creature who’d gone through so much in the past few days, who’d been rushed to the hospital, had probably spent every second of it worrying about his sorry ass. “I wanted to protect you.”

“You gave us both a fucking heart attack! The last thing I heard before being wheeled into surgery was Hanji on the phone with Moblit who’d just walked in on you passed out in a puddle of your own vomit. They had to hold me down and force me into unconsciousness while I screamed I wouldn’t go under until I knew you were alive. Do you know what you did? Do you know who you hurt? Hanji was _dead_. She _still_ is. Whatever she showed you when she came back…it’s not real. She’s trying to be strong for you, but she’s _hurt_. She’s so hurt Levi. How could you hide this from us? How could you let this happen to yourself? She loves you more than she loves me. She loves you more than she loves herself. How could you? _How could you?_ ”

Levi felt like he was being strangled as his throat closed down over itself. “I’m sorry. I am. I…I was stupid and lost and I just didn’t want to ruin anybody else. I didn’t know how to…I’m so sorry.  I…I…”

He couldn’t keep talking. He didn’t really know what to say for himself. All he could do was hold the small fierce woman and try to absorb her pain.

“I’m so fucking angry at you!”

“I know. You have every right to be.”

“I told myself I would be nice though. The whole ride over I said I would be nice and positive.”

“You had a really good start.”

“But then I blew it.”

“I like it better when you’re real.”

“I want to rip your damn dick off and staple it to your asshole, you prick.”

“Well…if it’ll make you feel better.”

She let out a half laugh/half sob, and then he knew it would be all right. After another few moments she drew in a deep breath and then peeled her face off his chest. “You look pretty good for someone who was three quarters of the way dead a few days ago.”

“Yeah, I made a lot of progress. I already shat, slept, and ate--in that order.”

She flicked his forehead. “I can’t believe I love a coarse grumpy old man like you.”

“Hanji tells me that all the time.”

“We have a lot in common. It’s why I married her.”

“She said you married her because she’s incredible in bed.”

“Well that too.”

She smoothed back his hair, which made him suddenly remember someone else—someone who was standing just behind him who’d just witnessed everything that had just happened. “Oh, uh, Petra, this is Erwin Smith. He’s been—“

Petra jumped to her feet. “Oh my god, yes! I’ve heard so much about you. Hanji says you’re a godsend. Even before Levi you were definitely her favorite staff member, but now…well now I think she wants to adopt you. The only reason she’s able to sleep at night is because you’re here. I really can’t thank you enough--from both of us. And Levi looks incredible, really, and you must be responsible for that.“

“Don’t I get any of the credit?” Levi grumbled, but he was ignored while Erwin put out his hand to Petra which she bypassed in favor of a hug. She practically disappeared in his strong arms. Levi wondered if he would look like that too. His skin tingled just thinking about it.

“You have to come for dinner sometime,” Petra said once she’d emerged. “I know you’ve been out for drinks with Hanji but you deserve more than that. What’s your favorite food? I can pick up—“

Erwin laughed. “I can’t think about dinner before Levi’s even had his breakfast. But thanks for the offer. I wouldn’t believe by looking at you that you were only released from the hospital this morning.”

Wait. _This_ morning? “What the actual fuck, Petra?” Levi demanded. “I thought it was just an infected gall bladder!”

The redhead rolled her eyes. “Please, do you really think I’d let Hanji leave your side for four days just for that?”

“It was total body sepsis that stemmed from a lethal infection in her gall bladder,” Erwin said, and then addressed Petra again. “I was standing there when Hanji got the call that you’d collapsed outside. I never saw a person move that fast in my life. She’d only just been telling me about how sick you’d gotten, and how you’d forced her to go to work anyway, and how you’d promised her that if the fever hit 104 you would let her take you to the ER. And then the next thing I knew she’d dumped the Center in Nile’s care and found you being wheeled into the ambulatory bay with a fever of 106.”

Petra winced. “I never wanted to scare her like that. I still feel awful about it. The way she touches me now…like I’ll break any second…” she turned to Levi. “She really didn’t need that shit you pulled, Levi. I’m going to strangle you the second Hanji says physical exertion is okay.”

“At least I didn’t have a fever high enough to melt the eyebrows off of Erwin.”

“At least she knew I was sick!”

“Can we _please_ not make this a contest?” Erwin suggested. “I think we can safely say that you both scared the pants off of her.”

Both Petra and Levi glared at him. He raised his hands in surrender. Petra was the first one to melt. She leaned down and pressed a kiss to Levi’s forehead. “At least I’m happy to see your eyes looking that clear. If you ever touch alcohol again you’re going to wish you hadn’t been born. We’ll figure out the germ thing without it. Promise me you’ll find a different solution.”

“I promise I’ll never touch alcohol again,” he said, which was different than what she’d asked, but she didn’t seem to notice. It’s just that he wasn’t sure he’d ever find a solution—he wasn’t sure what he had was something he could fix.

He felt Erwin grip his chair. “So we were actually on our way to some group therapy. You’re free to stay and wait for him if you like. I can get you a coffee or—“

“Oh no, that’s okay. I’m just glad I got to see him. I have to hurry back home before Hanji suspects I got out of bed. I’m supposed to be on bed rest, you see, but it’s not like I could really relax until I’d seen how he—“

“PETRA MOTHERFUCKING RAL!”

Hanji’s voice, as it boomed through the hall, was louder than Levi had ever heard it, and for the first time he realized how scary a crazy woman like her could be.

“Oh shit,” Petra hissed, her eyes wide.

“Run,” Levi breathed. But he knew it was no use. When Hanji used your whole name like that you knew you wouldn’t be seeing another sunrise.

“WHAT THE HELL DO I HAVE TO DO? GLUE YOU TO YOUR BED?”

“Time for a tactical retreat,” Erwin agreed and spun their chair around like a pro, dashing around the corner fast enough to make Levi’s head spin.

“We’re just going to _leave_ her?” Levi demanded.

“Do you want to die too?”

“Not really.”

“Don’t worry, she’s safe. Hanji knows better than to hurt an injured woman.”

“I’M GOING TO KILL YOU!”

“On second thought…”

Erwin pulled out his cell phone and quickly tapped the screen. He put it to his ear and didn’t even let the person on the other side get in a word before he breathed. “Nile--get Hanji out of here now before the patients start to panic. Make sure she stays with Petra for the next couple of days. We can handle things here. I don’t have to go home tonight.”

And then he hit end call just as he was pushing Levi into a room full of people. Levi only had enough time to shoot Erwin a questioning look before the people revealed themselves to be total crackpots.

A pretty brunette girl bounced out of her seat and over to him. Her balance was somewhat hindered due to the cast on her leg, but her enthusiastic hopping kept her going at a good pace. “Awesome! Finally decided to reveal yourself huh? Well I’m--”

Erwin’s arm came down like a bar in between the girl and Levi while Levi flinched back into his seat. “You can’t touch him, Sasha. None of you can. Not today.”

“What? Why? I wasn’t going to hurt him!”

“Because he’s a clean freak,” a new voice to the left said. It belonged to another brunette, but this one had darker skin and freckles. “I overheard the staff calling him a nightmare, and that he nearly gauged out someone’s eyes. I also heard that two staff took sudden vacations just so they wouldn’t have to deal with him. Also--”

“Ymir! That’s enough!” Erwin’s voice, though not a shout, was still sharp. “We don’t speak negatively about each other in this room. You know that.”

“Negative? I thought it was awesome. I wish the staff lived in terror of me. I’m not even half as scary to them as Christa is. Isn’t that right?”

She threw her arm over the small blonde girl beside her. The girl, Christa, blushed. “Do you really think I’m that scary?”

Ymir smiled and pressed her lips to the girl’s forehead. “Terrifying. And you’re even prettier than your fires are.” Christa nuzzled into the girl’s side and let out a happy little sound.

Levi blinked. “What the shit?”

“Day 6, week 1, first curse, 1 shit. Name: unknown.”

The words were mumbled by a boy who had his arms wrapped around his legs, which he’d pulled up to his chest. He had a brownish undercut, a bandage over his nose, and dark bruises under his eyes. Levi would have considered him hot if the boy hadn’t been quite so beaten up, and he hadn’t been so creeped out. “The fuck did you just say?”

“Day 6, week 1, second curse, 1 fuck. Name: unknown.”

“Levi, this is--”

Levi cut Erwin off. He was still staring. “What the fuck does this little pissshit think he’s doing?”

“Day 6, week 1, third and fourth curse, 2 shits, 2 fucks. Name: Levi.”

“He’s cataloging. That’s what he does. He always counts people’s curses. His name is Jean. He’s only been here for a week.”

“Well keep the creepy fuck away from--”

“Day 6, week 1, fifth curse--”

“Shut the fuck up!”

“Day 6, week 1--”

“I’m fucking serious! Say another damn word and I’ll fucking kick the shit back up your scrawny bitch ass.”

The boy looked panicked for a second, but then he concentrated, and said, “Day 1, week 1, seventh, eighth, ninth, ten, eleventh, and twelfth curses, 6 fucks, 3 shits, 1 damn, 1 bitch, 1 ass. Name: Levi”

When he finished he looked relieved. Levi did not. “You little--”

Erwin pressed his hand to Levi’s shoulder. “Stop. Breathe. Too many curses can overwhelm him, and you’re setting a very tense atmosphere.”

“But the little shit won’t--”

“Day 6, week 1--”

“And he’s still fucking doing it!”

“Day 6, week 1--”

“I know, but please try to accept it. All the others will be as accepting as they can of you so please try and return the favor. He’s not doing it to annoy you.

“But it’s still annoying as--”

“If the next word out of your mouth is a curse I may have to fling myself out a window,” Erwin pleaded. Levi snarled, but clamped his mouth shut.

Erwin let out a breath, and pushed Levi’s hair off his face. Levi’s stomach did a flip. “Thank you, Levi. I appreciate it. And if you could keep the number of expletives down as long as you’re in this room, I would really--”

“You can’t expect me to talk without fucking cursing you--shit--I--”

“Day 6, week 1--”

“Aw hell.”

“Day 6, week 1--”

“Oh come on! Hell isn’t even a fucking curse! Now you’re just being a little bitch!”

“Day 6, week 1, nineteenth curse--”

“Fine I won’t fucking talk. Jesus.”

“Day 6, week 1…”

Levi groaned. He was pretty sure Erwin did as well, but the sound was overlaid by a deep chuckle.

“Shit, even I wasn’t that bad when I first came,” said a giant blonde who probably had enough muscles to lift a reasonably sized mountain. Levi could see them clearly because all the man was wearing was a pair of sweatpants and a too small white tank top.

“Day 6, week 1, 189th curse, 54 shits. Name: Reiner.”

“Damn… he remembers them that well?” Levi said, impressed in spite of himself.

“Day 6, week 1--”

“I think I’m going to muzzle you both,” Erwin said through gritted teeth.

“Sorry, Erwin,” Reiner muttered and scrubbed at his face. “About this morning too.”

Levi suddenly realized exactly who Erwin had tackled on the lawn this morning, and admitted that the man definitely had serious balls. It didn’t look like even getting hit by an 18 wheeler could stop the mountain of muscle.

“It’s fine. All in the past,” Erwin said. He was trying to hide the tiredness in his voice. He pulled one of the empty chairs out of the circle and slid Levi’s wheelchair into the space before sitting down in a chair beside him. “We’ll start with introductions. We’ll go around the room and each of you can say your name, so that Levi will know it, and while you’re at it you can add, if you feel comfortable, why you’re here, and your goal for the week. Levi, while we’re going around, you can start thinking about a goal for yourself too. Make it reasonable, we don’t need anything big, but something you’re serious about trying to improve or--”

“Put it back,” Levi snapped.

Erwin stopped talking, and turned his head to the side to see who Levi was glaring it. It was the small blonde on Erwin’s other side. No one said anything.

“I said put it back, you fucking mushroom,” Levi said to the boy, “Can you hear me, or do you have sticky ears, as well as sticky fingers?

“Day 6, week 1--”

“It’s okay, Levi,” Erwin said and got up from his chair. He walked over to the small boy who was shaking, but staring back at the man defiantly. His hands were clamped down against his chest, and in them was the wallet that Levi had seen the boy steal, quick and quiet, from his uniform pocket.

Erwin crouched down and put his hands on the boy’s shoulders. “Is something bothering you, Armin?” The man’s voice was like the pages of a new book, quiet and clean.

Armin’s shaking increased, but his eyes were still flashing, defiant. “I won’t give it back until you give Eren back to me. I won’t!”

Erwin smoothed the boy’s hair back behind his ears and Levi felt a jealous rip, sharp and biting, in his stomach. _No. Only to me. Show that gentleness only to me._

But even though he wanted to stomp over there and smack Erwin’s hand away, the better and bigger part of himself was happy to see how genuinely good at this the man was. It was so rare to see someone who cared.

Erwin tapped Armin’s nose. “Where’s Eren right now?”

“Not here with me.”

“Yes, but _where_ is he, Armin. Do you know?”

Armin looked at him with that defiance for a beat longer and then his eyes fell to the floor. “He’s having quiet time.”

Erwin smiled. “That’s right. Do you know why?”

There was no pause this time. “Because he broke Jean’s nose and now he’s being punished.”

Erwin shook his head. “No. It’s because he’s really agitated right now and he’ll feel better once he’s calmed down. Do you think Eren liked breaking Jean’s nose?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because he doesn’t like hurting anyone.”

“Do you think he would have hurt him if he was calm and thinking clearly?”

“No.”

“Do you think maybe it’s good for Eren to have quiet time right now?”

Armin began shaking again. He’d stopped under the influence of Erwin’s voice, but now it started again. Levi felt a stab of sympathy.

“I...I want to--”

“I know you want to be with him right now, Armin, but what’s best for Eren?”

Armin began to cry. They were silent tears. They dripped down the boy’s face and hit his shirt. Erwin didn’t hug the boy. Not yet. But he did begin to stroke the boy’s hair in the same gentle way he used his voice. “They don’t let us sleep together in the same room and we have different therapy times so I only get to see him during circle time and meal times.”

“What about free time?”

“Mikasa spends time with him then. We have to share.”

Erwin nodded. “That’s very mature of you, Armin.”

“I don’t like to share.”

“Me neither. But it’s worth it, right? Why is that?”

“Because...because I love him.”

Armin raised one of his fists and scrubbed at his eyes with it. He’d stopped shaking.

“Eren’s a very lucky boy, Armin. Because he has you to care so much about him.”

“He doesn’t always like it.”

“Well most people wouldn’t be happy when someone brings them to an addiction center because won’t people don’t recognize at first that they have a problem. But you know he doesn’t resent you for it anymore. And I’m still impressed that you were smart enough to take the initiative for both yourself and him by coming here.”

Armin may have blushed, but it was kind of hard to see form Levi’s vantage point. It was quiet for a few seconds, and then, “When will he be back?”

“In time for lunch, don’t worry. I’ll pop my head into his room before that. Do you want me to give him a message from you?”

“Um, tell him, that, um…” This time Armin blushed for real but despite his embarrassment he leaned in close and whispered something in Erwin’s ear, causing the man to raise his eyebrows and whistle. Armin covered his face from embarrassment but he was smiling now.

“You do realize that if he misinterprets this they’ll cart me off for pedophilia, right?”

“Don’t worry. He’ll know you’re just the messenger.”

Alarm bells went off in Levi’s mind. “Erwin just what the hell did you just promise the kid you’d--”

“Day 6, week 1--”

“Here, Erwin,” Armin said over Jean, and held the man’s wallet out to him.

“You can hold onto it until the end of circle group if you want,” Erwin said.

“That’s okay.”

Erwin took the proffered wallet, but didn’t put it back in his pocket. “You know, I have a picture of Eren in here. Do you think it would help you if--”

“Yes!” Armin shouted, jumping up to his full height, already holding his hands out to Erwin.

Erwin chuckled and pulled a wallet sized photo out of his wallet. Levi caught a brief glimpse of it in the exchange. It was of a handsome brown haired boy with startling green eyes. He found himself clenching his teeth. Erwin sat back down next to him.

“The hell do you have a pic of some brat in there for?” Levi hissed, starting Jean off muttering in the distance. “Don’t you think he’s a bit young for you?”

Erwin handed his wallet to Levi. “Well I do like younger men,” he teased. “But maybe not _that_ much younger. Just a few years is perfect.”

Levi’s heart went from 0 to 120 in less than the time it took to blink. _How about just 7 years?_ He thought, but was too scared to actually say it out loud. Erwin was referring to him, right? Because if he was then that was definite flirting, and not subtle flirting either. Erwin was getting closer too. His chest was only a couple of inches from Levi’s arm now.

_Shit. What do I say? There’s too many people around. I never should have agreed to come here--i should have made him stay in my room until I got my kiss. Damn. That kiss. What the hell did he mean by that kiss last night anyway? Why had he done it? Because he knew I wanted him to? Why then? He’s not affected by it like I am. He’s just as cool and collected as he always is. It doesn’t mean the same thing to him. I’m a patient to him. He has to care for me. Fuck. I don’t want to be a patient. I don’t want this stupid dynamic. I want to know why he did it, damn it. What the hell is going through your mind you stupid gorgeous man? Do you even want to kiss me again? You already promised but that was as a reward. Shit! That’s why he’s doing it. He’s getting me to do things through these damn kisses. He’s manipulative enough to do it too. Fucking ruthless son of a bitch. He knows just how much I like him. He thinks I’m a fool. He--_

Erwin flipped the wallet open showing how the front right pocket was bulging with pictures. Erwin pulled the stack out and handed them to Levi, who recognized a lot of the faces in them because they matched the faces of the people in the room.

“Jesus, you really don’t have much of a life, do you?” Levi said. Erwin was still sitting too close to him, leaning over his shoulder to look at the pictures with him. He could feel the man’s breath on his neck.

Erwin shrugged. “This place is my life.”

Levi flipped through them. What was interesting was that most of them weren’t taken in the addiction center. They looked like they were taken at home--one home. “Wait, is this...is this _your_ house?”

“Yeah it is,” Erwin said. “I like to take some of the kids home with me when I have the weekends off.” He flipped over the next picture which showed a huge number of kids, though not the ones in the room with them. Most of them were piled on top of Erwin, who, despite being suffocated, was sporting a huge smile. He also looked younger. Near him was another man, also a blonde, but he had a scruffy face and hair that fell into his eyes. He was holding up three kids in his arms at once, and he was huge. He looked about 6 and a half feet tall and he was built real solid too.

“Wait so this--”

“Was before I started working here,” Erwin said, reaching over to flip over the next picture, but Levi grabbed his wrist, stopping him. “So then where are all these kids from then?”

“My Partner taught in a grade school. These were the kids in his class at the time. We invited them all over once for this huge sleepover at the end of the school year. It was great.”

Levi’s heart stuttered in a weird rhythm as if it didn’t know whether to race ahead or stop altogether. His mind was screaming as it tried to process all the information that had been dumped on him. Erwin was gay. Maybe he could have guessed that from the kiss, but now it was clear. But...partner? That meant…

“So that’s him?” Levi demanded, and stabbed the picture where the huge scruffy blonde stood. “That’s who you’re with?”

His voice was accusing, angry. He was usually good at hiding his emotions, but the past few days he’d been horrible at it. Part of it was due to withdrawal symptoms--sweating, racing heart, acute anxiety. But not all of it was. A significant portion of the problem was the man sitting beside him. “Yes, that was him, but--”

“What’s his name?” Levi demanded. He was being horribly rude never mind inappropriate, but he couldn’t stop.

“Levi--”

“What’s his name? It won’t kill you to answer, right?”

“Mike. But--”

“Mike, what?

“Mike Zacharias. But, Levi--”

“Huge blondes, huh? That’s your type? Was he also the perfect number of years younger than you?”

“Stop it Levi. You’re--”

“Does he not kiss you enough or something? Why else would you stoop to someone like me? Or did you just think it would be funny?”

“Of course not, but damn it, will you just listen--”

“Why? Am I embarrassing you in front of your other _patients_? Do you kiss them too?”

“For fucks sake Levi--”

“Or was it just Reiner, cuz, you know, he’s also big and blonde and--”

“I’m not with him any fucking more!”

Levi stopped. His feverish words dying on his lips. Erwin had shouted at him, for the first time, but it was his words more than his tone, that shocked him.

“You...you’re not?”

Levi’s voice was small. He was breathing heavily. So was Erwin.

“No.” Erwin’s eyes were flashing. “That picture was taken over 6 years ago.”

“Oh.”

That was all Levi could say even though his breath was returning to him now. His heart was trying to calm itself, but now his mind was realizing just what the hell he’d said, and so the organ began to race again.

“I...Erwin…”

Erwin stuffed his pictures back into his wallet while Jean muttered about Erwin’s curses. The whole room was quiet.

Anxiety sank into his abdomen like claws. He’d messed up. He’d messed up so fucking bad. He’d just crossed lines of rude fucking assholery even he hadn’t crossed before, and he’d done it to Erwin. The one person he hadn’t wanted to show it too.

_Now he’ll leave me. He’ll transfer himself back to the behavioral addictions ward. He’ll run out so fucking fast he’ll probably leave skid marks in the hallway. You were already so damn weird to start with but then you had to be the worst asshole this damn world has ever seen, and you deserve it, you deserve for him to leave you. You deserve to have seen him, and known what acceptance could feel like so that you could feel even fucking worse now that he’s going to drop you because you’re a worthless stupid foulmouthed burden who should never be allowed to open his mouth because all that ever comes out is rotten shit._

“Levi…”

_No matter how much you scrub you’re always going to be covered it. It never left you since that day, and no one wants a shit smeared asshole. No one. All you can do is cover them in your own shit. And you can’t let Erwin get covered in that shit. You can’t. He’s so clean. So kind and smart and funny and shit, shit, I don’t want him to leave. Not him. Please, please, not him, not--_

“Levi!”

Big warm hands grabbed his wrists. “Levi I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. It’s ok. I’m here. Come back to me. I’m here.”

Levi opened his eyes. They’d been so tightly squeezed shut that now light spots exploded in the space around him. The room was spinning and his breathing was too fast and shallow to be effective. He became aware of a sound. An awful choking kind of sound that scared him, until he realized it was coming from him, and then it terrified him. He stopped it right away, going silent, but it didn’t stop the worry that was spread thickly over Erwin’s features.

“Levi.” He said the name like it was something soft and important. “Levi. I’m here. Be with me now. I’m here. Come back. Levi.”

Levi’s eyes shot all around the room, too fast to see anything, but there was nothing to see because everything was still swirling. The crushing weight on his chest and the painful crashing of his heart convinced him that he was having a heart attack. His fingers scrambled to reach, to grab onto Erwin, but he was being restrained. Erwin was gripping his wrists, and they were sticky and red. Blood. Who’s blood? Had he hurt Erwin? He would never do that. His own blood then. That was okay.

Breaths were still punching out of him but he forced himself to breathe in long enough to actually get air, and gasped, “Don’t leave. Please. _Please_.”

Erwin pulled Levi’s face close, still holding onto Levi’s wrists so that both their hands were pressed to Levi’s face. “Of course not. Of course I wouldn’t. You never have to worry about that. Please breathe, Levi. You’re so pale. I don’t want to have to give you meds. Please just breathe. No one’s leaving. It’s okay. Deep breath in...okay that wasn’t really deep enough. Try again, Levi. I know you can do it. I know the panic is bad. And I know it’s not your fault. I shouldn’t have pushed you today. Day five is usually the peak of withdrawal symptoms. Your panic and anxiety will be at their highest today. I don’t know what I was thinking. I wouldn’t have pushed anyone else, but you were handling it so well, and you can still handle it. You can breathe. It’s going to be better. I’ll make sure of it. I’m here to help. I’m here for you, and only you right now, so breathe.”

And Levi _was_ breathing, well, better than he had been before. His fingers curled around Erwin’s despite the shit he could feel coating them.

“I’m shit. I’m a social fuck up. I’m--”

“No. No you’re not. You’re going through so much.”

“I don’t care what I’m going through. That isn’t an excuse. Not for what I said to you. What the fuck is wrong with me? It’s none of my business. I have no right. None at all. Why did I say--”

“Levi. I understand. I know, Levi. Your brain is fucked up right now, okay? Very literally fucked up. Without the alcohol every chemical in your brain is going crazy in the wrong amounts. It needs time to adjust and that adjustment makes you feel like everything--your body, your emotions, your thoughts--aren’t your own. There’s no control and your anxiety skyrockets and that’s just how it is. It’s fucked up, but that’s how it is. But it’s going to go away. You’re going through the worst of it right now, but it’s going to go away. Your brain is going to find that balance and then you’ll feel so much better. I can’t wait to see you when the anxiety is gone. I can’t wait to see that pain go away. But you have to be patient. It took years to mess your brain up this bad with the alcohol so it’s not going to fix it overnight. You’re going to make mistakes, but you have to--”

“Stop being so fucking accepting, damn it!” Levi roared, and smacked Erwin’s hands away. He couldn’t take it. He couldn’t stand Erwin not shouting at him, not hitting him, not looking at him like he was scum and shit. He couldn’t handle the fact that there was only kindness and worry on his face. It wasn’t fair. That made things even worse. Didn’t Erwin know that if Levi saw how precious he was he would feel even worse?

“Be angry at me! Be furious at me! Tell me it’s none of my fucking business and you’ll fuck or kiss whoever you like and there’s not a damn thing I can say about it! Tell me that a fucked up little shit like me should shut his fucking mouth or you’ll leave. Stop giving me chances. Stop giving me forgiveness. Stop it!”

Erwin took Levi’s hands again, more gently this time, and Levi didn’t throw them off. He couldn’t. He’d only had the strength to push away that warmth once. “No,” Erwin said, and lifted Levi’s hands up. They were covered in deep oozing scratches. That had happened before. It happened whenever Levi thought of the shit covering him, getting into him. He always felt the need to tear his skin off when it happened, he just didn’t remember doing it this time. He’d been too overwhelmed by his thoughts. Erwin brought the hands to his mouth and pressed his lips to the knuckles. “I won’t let you blame yourself right now. Maybe in a few weeks’ time, maybe after you leave this place, but not before then. It’s not fair that way. You’re in too much pain right now.”

Levi’s chest was tight. _This damn man always makes me want to cry._ His knuckles were burning where Erwin’s soft dry lips had passed over them. _I wish I could give you what you give me. Or at least, I wish I could give to you something--anything at all._

Erwin’s hand found Levi’s neck. He made a worried sound and then pressed his other hand to Levi’s cheek. “I think you have a fever. It seems low grade, which, unfortunately, is pretty typical for withdrawal, so I don’t think it’s something we really have to worry about, but…”

“I’m fine.”

Levi wasn’t actually fine though. He was trying to process how exactly he was going to extract himself from Erwin’s life before the man could ruin him from being with anyone else for the rest of his life. _It’s only going to get worse. You’re going to fall for him so damn hard you’ll start drooling over the way he starts tying his shoes soon. You already go to pieces every time you see his smile._

“Why do you even bother to lie?” Erwin asked. “You’re so bad at it.”

“I am _not_. You’re just too damn perceptive for your own good. It’s those eyes of yours. Too fucking blue. They’re unnatural.”

“Nope. It’s just my breasts that are silicone. Everything else I was born with,” He teased. His hands reached for Levi’s face, causing his heart to speed up, and he smiled because there was a strand of hair in his face, and he knew what Erwin was going to do with it before it happened, but that didn’t make it any less enjoyable when the pads of Erwin’s fingers brushed across his face as he pushed it out of the way.

_Definitely going to make sure I have hair in my face every moment of every day_ , he thought, staring at Erwin in what he knew must have been a sappy way because his heart was pounding too hard for him _not_ to be. Thankfully it was at the next moment that a voice, Sasha’s voice, rang out. “Who wants to see me shave off my hair and eat it?”

He jerked his head up and finally realized that he was no longer in the room, but in the hallway. Erwin must have moved him as soon as he’d started to freak out.

“Shit,” Erwin hissed, and stood up out of his crouch. “Not supposed to leave them alone.”

He reached for the phone in his pocket. “I’ll get Gunther to come up and do circle group while I take you back to your room. Have to get some food in you after we clean out those scrapes, and then--”

“No. I want to go back inside.”

“What?” There was no word for how Erwin sounded other than “flabbergasted.”

“I want to go and do group circle,” Levi said a little too defensively.

“Horrible liar, remember?”

“I still want to do it.” There was no way in hell he wanted to do it.

“Levi…”

Levi took a breath, reached down, took hold of the wheels of his chair, and began to wheel himself back into the room. Despite having been cleaned, Levi knew the chair couldn’t be perfect, and that was bad because he had open wounds on his hands the germs would be able to crawl into and disease him with. _I don’t care if they fuck me up. Erwin wanted me to do this, so imma fucking do it._

“Levi! Your hands--”

“They’re just scratches,” he said, and wheeled himself back into the room. And, after a muffled “damn it!” Erwin followed him. Inside, Sasha was standing on a chair, despite the cast on her leg, trying to hang herself from the lighting fixture by her hair while a small bald kid tried to get her down.

“Stop it Connie, you’re killing my vibes here,” she said.

“And _you’re_ nearly killing yourself,” he snapped back. “Get down.”

“But I wanna be bald like you.”

“They’re are _way_ easier, not to mention safer, ways to do that then letting it all get ripped out the roots!” he said. She wasn’t listening.

Erwin crossed the room, lifted her bodily, and set her back down in her chair.

“Oh! Hi Erwin! You’re back! Does that mean you’re done fighting with your boyfriend?”

Levi didn’t know enough colors to describe the shade his cheeks turned. Erwin, though, took it in stride. “There’s no fighting in group circle. Only misunderstandings. Now would you like to go first?”

She smiled brightly. “Sure!” she cleared her throat, sat up straight, and looked right at Levi. “I’m Sasha Braus and I’m here because of an addiction to thrill seeking, though I still don’t see what’s wrong with trying to have fun because I’m not hurting anyone else. My goal for this week is to not attempt to try anything with over a 30% chance of ending in death.”

Connie covered his face with his hands. “So what do you call what you did this morning?”

“I only broke my leg, chill out.”

“You could have broken your neck.”

“But I _didn’t._ ”

“That isn’t the point.”

“I can’t see what else could possibly be the point.”

“That’s because--”

“Guys. You can discuss this later. I think that’s a very good goal, Sasha, and we’ll certainly try and help you stay alive this week. When you’re meeting with Nile later today I’ll have him go over with you what kind of activities fall outside of your goal line because I think you may be unsure of how deadly some things are. Would you like to go next?” He was looking at a dark haired girl with a red scarf wrapped around her face and neck.

“Not really.”

“Would you like to just get it over with, then?”

“I guess.” She pulled the scarf down a bit to expose her mouth. “I’m Mikasa Ackerman. I’m here because--”

“Ackerman?” Levi choked out.

She glared at him. “Yes. What’s it to you, midget?”

“I’m also an Ackerman.”

“Congratulations. I don’t have a prize to give you.”

“What’s your father’s name?”

“Levi,” Erwin said, placing a hand on his arm, “I don’t think you two are--”

“Joseph Ackerman,” she said.

Levi sucked in a breath. “And his father?”

“Benjamin.”

Levi jerked in his chair, his face went pale. “I’ve only ever seen a picture of you. You were tiny though, a baby.”

“I have no idea who you are.”

“My father is Kaney Ackerman, Benjamin’s younger brother, and your great uncle, which means--”

“Eren is my only family.”

“No. It all makes sense. Joseph sent me a letter a couple of years after I’d run away from home. Don’t know how he’d found my address, but he invited me to come live with you. Said he’d just had a baby. That was fifteen years ago. He sent a picture. I’d forgotten the name, but I think it was Mikasa. I remember it being unusual--”

“ _Eren_ is my _only_ family.”

“But--that’s not--I...when I heard your parents were killed in that accident...we were the only ones left. Our whole family...I wanted to come back and take care of you, but you’d already been adopted. A family called Jaeger. I…”

He pressed a hand to his face. “I wanted to be there for you, but I was already messed up. The germs were so strong and they never stopped. I figured you were better off with them. I figured…”

Erwin’s face was round with shock, but his hands were still there, reaching for his fingers. “Levi...it’s okay…”

“I thought that if I wasn’t in your life then you would turn out normal so I stayed away. I never visited even though I always wondered. But now...now I see it didn’t make a difference. You’re in a place like this. Of course you are. You have my blood running in your veins. You’ve been infected by me. Of course you’re here.”

“No,” Erwin said. “That isn’t true Levi. You can’t blame everything on yourself.”

“But my blood…”

“Your genetics were less linked to Mikasa than her parents’ were. By your logic then her parents are more to blame than you. But no one’s to blame here.”

“And I’ve never even met you before,” Mikasa reminded him, eyeing him askance. She’d already wrapped her scarf back over her face so her voice was muffled.

It didn’t help. Levi’s nails were already digging into his face. “I can’t get away from it. No matter how far I go I’ll always come across more of the things I’ve infected. It’s because of the shit. It gets everywhere, no matter how much I wash.”

“What shit?” Erwin asked.

“The shit!” he shouted. “The shit that got everywhere that day. I can’t get it off.”

“Are you talking about literal or metaphorical shit?” Erwin asked, struggling to understand.

“Why are we all talking about shit?” Reiner asked.

“You guys are making me need to _take_ a shit,” Ymir added.

“You guys are all shit,” Mikasa said.

“I’m _the_ shit,” Sasha corrected.

“This conversation is shit,” Connie said.

“Will all of you fucking pissheads stop saying shit before I can count them all? Christ!” Jean screamed, holding his head in his hands.

A bunch of mumbled apologies poured out of the room, but the counting boy ignored them all as he began to mumble out his tally. A few seconds later the tension left his face and he smiled. “Thanks. I appreciate it.”

A brown haired and freckled boy sitting beside him wrapped an arm around him. Jean let his head drop down to the boy’s shoulder.

It was weird, but somehow the room’s collective weirdness helped calm Levi down. He shook his head. “Never mind. I’m okay now. I’ll get better somehow and, I dunno, make it up to the girl or something. Continue with your weird ass introductions.”

Erwin gave Levi a concerned look, but allowed it to slide. He looked at Reiner, who nodded.

“Okay, I’m Reiner Braun, and I have hypersexual behavior disorder.”

Levi blinked. “Is that what I think it is, or…?”

“It means he’s hella horny 24/7,” Ymir clarified, “And that’s why I feel so damn bad for Armin. We all drew straws, and he lost the roommate game.”

“Come on, guys, I’m not that bad,” Reiner grunted. “It’s not like I want any of _you_ guys.”

“Yes, but when you wax poetic for 3 and a half hours about the mole on Bertholdt’s butt it makes us all want to strangle you,” Connie said.

“Hey, if you’d seen the mole, you’d understand. It’s the kind of beauty we rarely get to see with mortal eyes.”

“Forget the mole,” Ymir said. “How bout the fact that you broke my damn door because you’d hallucinated about hearing Bertholdt’s voice?”

“I wasn’t hallucinating. I was sleepwalking.”

“More like sleep terrorizing.”

“I can’t help what I do when I sleep.”

“Well you _can_ help the number of times you jack off in the showers,” Jean muttered.

“Shh, don’t tell him that, or he’ll go back to doing it in my room,” Armin said, clearly terrified.

“Guys we’re supposed to be supporting Reiner, here,” Erwin said, though he clearly didn’t know what else to say on the subject. He had the look of a man who’d been down this road too many times.

“Yeah,” Reiner agreed. “And you haven’t even heard my goal for the week yet.”

“Please say it involves less bids for freedom,” Erwin said, “We can’t afford to have any more of the staff quit.”

Everyone looked at him, and Levi laughed. Erwin covered his face with his hands. “Shut up, Levi, I’m trying.”

Levi was intrigued. Everyone seemed to be terrified of Reiner’s disorder. Maybe there were other people as screwed up as he was.

“Wait, so how did you end up here?” He found himself leaning forward in his chair.

Reiner sighed and ran a hand through his brutally short hair. “Because of Bertholdt’s poor abused asshole.”

Ah…Levi always loved when stories started off with zingers.

“I never meant to hurt him of course. He’s more important to me than anyone else will ever be. I’ve known him since I was eight. We met when we were both taken hostage on a subway car, and—“

“What the _fuck_?”

“I know. Who would have thought we’d be in the same train car on the same day.”

“I’m not talking about the fucking coincidence!” Levi snapped. “You were taken _hostage?_ ”

“Oh yeah. By some religious nuts. They took the whole train hostage. They weren’t all that dangerous though. Had no idea what they were doing. But we didn’t know that at first. The train just all of the sudden slammed to a stop in the middle of a tunnel and then one of their voices came over the intercom and told us that if any of us tried to escape somehow the guy standing on top of the train would shoot us.”

_Jesus Christ…_

“It was my first time ever riding the train by myself, so I barely knew how to swipe my card through the turnstile, never mind deal with terrorists. I was scared shitless, but I didn’t cry, because there was this kid beside me, sweating through his shirt, clearly just as scared, but when he saw how terrified I was, he put on this crazy looking smile and said, “Well at least I won’t have to go to that interview today.”  

“He sounds like a total whack job.”

Reiner shook his head. “It was just what I needed. I don’t know how he knew, but it worked. I didn’t start panicking like the others. Nothing happened for a few hours and people stopped screaming eventually. We were huddled close because it felt safer that way, and we just…talked. About anything and everything. It’s funny, you’re so much less inhibited when you feel like you’re about to die. I told him everything, not bothering to hide my secrets. I told him about how I was afraid of clowns, and how I had once wet the bed when I was 6 and blamed it on my dog, and also eventually about how I liked boys, not girls. He was quiet for a couple of seconds after I told him that and I was afraid I’d freaked him out, but I came to learn that nothing freaks Bertholdt out, and when he’s quiet it’s because he’s thinking. So then he asked me how someone knew if they liked boys. And I was still an idiot kid so I wasn’t good at explaining things, but I told him that the way I’d first started realizing it was when I saw I didn’t think of kissing girls or anything like that. But he said that he thought girls could be still be cute so there had to be another way of knowing. And so I said, ‘Well have you ever thought of kissing a boy before?’ And while I was asking my heart was pounding and my hands were shaking because he was really cute and smart and I already had a crush on him. And then he smiled, and I knew I was going to be a sucker for that smile forever, and he said. ‘Yeah, I have.’ And my heart practically stopped then, but I still managed to say, ‘Really? When?’ And like the smooth bastard he is, he answered, ‘Right now.’ And then he kissed me, and yes, I agree that it was hardly the time or the place, and most people wouldn’t consider that the perfect opportunity for my first kiss, but it was perfect, and he was perfect, and I was so happy that I was getting to spend, what I thought was my last day on earth, with him. But it wasn’t my last day. The terrorists were captured and we were rescued, but I refused to let the police separate Bertl and I, so we waited for our families together. Bertholdt only had his grandma since his parents died when he was young, and she wasn’t allowed to drive anymore because of cataracts, so it ended up that my dad drove Bertl home in our car, and it turned out that he didn’t live far from me, and that his interview that day was for a new school, so I convinced him to apply to _my_ school instead. Well, he didn’t need that much convincing, and so—“

“This is all very touching and all, but what the hell does it have to do with your horny issues?” Levi asked.

Reiner blinked. “Oh. Right. Whoops. Okay, so basically Bertholdt became the love of my life. He’s perfect, not just for me, but all by himself. He’s—“

“Get on with it.”

“Don’t rush me. So anyway, it’s true love, right, so naturally when I started having sex with him when we were thirteen—“

“Jesus, that’s young.”

“Are you going to have a running commentary throughout the whole thing?”

“Maybe.”

Reiner rolled his eyes. “Well, sex was just really awesome. Bertholdt is a fucking babe. His body is flawless.”

“Unlike your story telling abilities.”

Reiner didn’t even acknowledge that one. “So basically we had sex all the damn time, every single day. But it wasn’t enough. Bertholdt would fall asleep satiated, but I always needed more. At first I thought it was just because of how cute he was, which is very understandable, but then it really started to get too much. We’d do it three times in a row and Bertholdt would be totally conked out, but I’d still be hungry for him, needing to touch him, hold him, be inside of him… He tried. He was so good about it. Other people would have gotten pissed, but he was really flattered, and never made me feel bad about it. He assured me that I could come to him at any time and he’d make time for me. He knew how I felt even though he wasn’t going through the same thing. I tried to be gentle. I put his poor body through so much, and being gentle wasn’t good enough. The numbers climbed higher and higher. If he was out too long I would feel myself going crazy. I would just burst in on him, no matter what he was doing, and just rip his clothes off. I was uncontrollable, and insatiable, and the hunger for him only grew stronger. It was only ever for him, though, I have no urges toward anyone else. That’s what kept me thinking it was sort of normal, and that’s why I didn’t seek help until it got really bad. It got to the point where Bertholdt was exhausted all the time. I was tired too, but my hunger gave me energy he didn’t have. He could never go away from me for too long and that was restrictive. He would sleep with me no matter what he had planned, and he would have to deal with a boyfriend so obviously nuts when he just wanted to have some simple cuddling. It was horrible. What I was doing was…abusive. No one should be stuck having sex 12 times a day. It’s not natural. I was hurting him. I finally realized it when his body started showing the signs. He developed bruises and rashes that wouldn’t go away. The dark circles under his eyes became permanent, and he started falling asleep in the randomest places. The night his asshole actually started to bleed finally snapped me out of my denial. When I saw it I began to cry. That night I called the center—it was late, but it was open 24 hours a day, and I told them they had to take me before I did permanent damage. Bertholdt cried. He cried a lot. I hate that I did that to him. I wish he’d fallen in love with someone normal. My Bertholdt…he’s an angel. He deserves…much better than me. I twisted my love for him into a disease. I got here three weeks ago, he came with me—refused to stay home—but after we filled out the paperwork he had to leave, and that’s when he began to panic because they couldn’t give us an estimate of when I’d be better, or really, if I’d be better ever. And they said no visitation because he was what triggered me. When I heard that…it was hard to breathe…but I had to accept it, but Bertholdt didn’t have to. I suggested that maybe it would be better if he forgot about me. If he went to find someone who wouldn’t abuse his body like that. Someone more controlled, undiseased. I managed to keep my voice pretty steady as I said it, which I was proud of, even though the thought of losing Bertholdt was scarier than the idea of spending the rest of my life in some institution, and then he was quiet. I thought he was thinking it over. But I was wrong. He was just gathering his anger. Because he attacked me then. He shoved me until I fell over and straddled me, holding down my wrists as he screamed his tears into my face. That no, I couldn’t use this as an opportunity to try and break up with him, that he didn’t think I was diseased in the first place, that he only wished his body was stronger so it could properly handle my love. That if I was diseased, then he was diseased too, damn it, because he’d never suffered even an hour when he was with me, and that I had to stop viewing him as a victim because he wasn’t—that was a point he repeated over and over. That he wasn’t a victim. That he wouldn’t let me see him as a victim because everything that we’d done together had been consensual, and if he could handle it, then what was the problem?”

Reiner swiped the palm of his hand over his eyes, smearing the tears that had formed in them across his face before they could fall. Erwin stood up to go to him, but Reiner waved him off. “No, I’m okay, I wanna finish. He took a deep breath and looked at Levi again. Levi wanted to say something, but he was stunned. He’d thought the blonde and him had had opposite problems. But they weren’t. They were the same problem. Both were plagued with the fear that their love was damaging and that they didn’t deserve the people their hearts belonged to.

“They pulled him off of me, but I insisted they let me say goodbye. They made me wait until Bertholdt had calmed down before they let me touch him again. I was crying at that point because I thought he would be relieved to get a break from me, that he would be happy to finally be able to rest, but he was just as miserable as I was with the ordeal, which meant that once again I was causing him to suffer even though I was trying to do the right thing. It made me feel like nothing I’d ever be able to do was right. You know, the whole ‘damned if I do, damned if I don’t’ business?”

Levi did know. He knew very well. He hadn’t known that others could though, but by the number of nodding heads that were going around the room he realized he didn’t have the world’s monopoly on angst. There were tears too around the room. Mikasa was holding onto Armin, Jean was holding the dark haired body sitting beside him, Sasha wasn’t bouncing in her seat, and even tough old Ymir had turned her head into Christa’s shoulder. The room was full of people who understood. Maybe everyone understood a little of that kind of pain. Maybe everyone had faced situations where they always seemed to hurt their loved ones. Maybe he wasn’t alone.

He felt a touch on his knee—Erwin’s hand. And, without thinking, he reached down and curled his fingers around it. The warmth was steady, and for something almost intangible it was amazing how strong it could make him feel.

Reiner saw this, and then looked down at his own empty hands. “I think about him every minute of every day. I know that can really bother you guys, but that you’re pretty good about it all, and I appreciate it. I feel like this is a great environment for support. And I guess I want you guys to know that in whatever capacity I can function in now I’d still like to support all of you in return. I don’t know if I’m making progress at all, and that’s the most frustrating thing of all. It paralyzes me to think that I’ll always be like this—that I’ll never be able to be with him again—but right before he left that day I swore to him that I’d try my hardest, and he believed that would be enough, and he always did have good judgment--since the very beginning back on that day on the train.”

He smiled. It was a beautiful smile but it was full of sadness. “My goal this week is to work on making Armin feel safe and comfortable. It’s not easy being my roommate. I know. But he’s a good one. He always tries to be kind to me, and he always lets me tell him my nightmares when I have them because he knows it helps me feel better. Thank you Armin, and I’m sorry that you ended up with the roommate no one wanted.”

Armin let go of Mikasa. He stood up. He went to Reiner and threw his arms around him. “You’ve got it all wrong. I never disliked you. I even admired you. Everything thinks I’m great for bringing myself and Eren in, but they don’t understand. If I hadn’t gotten Eren to seek treatment I would never have done it myself. I wouldn’t have been able to do this without him. But you…You came here even though Bertholdt didn’t want you to. You did that all on your own. And that’s why I can say, without referring to your physical strength, that you’re the strongest person in this room because you’re the only one doing this alone.”

Levi sucked in a breath. He hadn’t realized that. Everyone else in the room had a shoulder to lean on. He himself was so reliant on Erwin it was scary. But Reiner was doing it alone and that took the kind of balls Levi knew he didn’t have. He hadn’t brought himself in when he’d seen the suffering he’d been causing. He’d needed to be dragged here by Moblit. That was the difference between he and Reiner. They both caused the people they loved suffering, but Reiner had tried to be proactive about the problem while Levi had just tried to seal himself away in an attempt to stop hurting people. It hadn’t worked, and he knew it was because no matter how tightly he sealed himself away the people he loved would still come after him, would still want him, even though he didn’t always understand why. He’d been selfish for not seeking treatment. He’d been selfish when he’d terrorized the staff the first few days. And he’d been selfish today when he’d resented Erwin’s absence instead of getting up and trying to do things himself.

He turned to look at Erwin. To tell him that he would be better. That he wouldn’t have to drag him kicking and screaming into things anymore. But the man was wearing a soft smile, and looked so lovely that Levi couldn’t bring himself to speak. And then Erwin spoke. “You’re not doing it alone.” He reached into his pocket, pulled out his phone and tossed it to the other blonde. Reiner caught it, confusion on his face. “Look at the call log. Let me know if there’s a number you recognize there.”

Reiner shot the man a glance, but did as directed. It didn’t take long to get a reaction. Reiner sucked in a breath. “He called you?”

“Oh he did more than that. Keep scrolling.”

Reiner did so, and after several moments his hands began to shake. “He called you every day.”

“That’s right. Twice a day to be exact. Once in the morning to hear about your schedule and to make sure everything possible was being done for you, and once at night to recap the day’s events to know how you were doing—what you’d accomplished, what you’d found difficult, what you’d enjoyed, how well you were eating and sleeping. And you know what he told me every time?”

Reiner shook his head. His eyes were wide and he wasn’t breathing.

“He would say “You’re holding my heart in your hands over there, Mr. Smith, please treasure it.”

“Every time?” Reiner’s voice was so soft it didn’t seem possible it could belong to a man as large as him.

“Every time.”

“What did you tell him back?”

“I told him that you’re one of the hardest working patients here, that you think about him constantly and use him as the motivation for everything you do, and that I’ve never seen another man so purely devoted to another. And do you know what he said back?”

Reiner was crying, the tears streaming unchecked down his face. His head shake was nearly lost in the rest of his body shaking, but Erwin caught it. He smiled. “He said, “Thanks, but you’re not telling me anything I don’t already know.”

Reiner laughed. It was a kind of choked sound like a fish being strangled but it was still a laugh and it helped him wipe his face of its tears. “Can you see why I love that bastard?”

Erwin was still smiling. “I dunno…he’s persistent as hell, and I have to live with the constant fear of messing up because I know that if I ever made a wrong move when it came to you he’d be hacking my head off my shoulders with an axe before I could say it was an accident.”

“When I get out of here”—Levi noted that the blonde said when and not if—“I’m going to marry him.”

“That’s a nice idea,” Erwin said, but before you discuss grand old plans like that I want to see if you’d be willing to amend your goal for the week first. Because, nice and selfless as it was, I was hoping you’d choose something that could better prepare you for Bertholdt’s visit this Sunday.”

If Erwin had set off a hundred fireworks at once in that tiny room, Levi doubted it would have made a louder explosion than Reiner did at that moment.

“ _WHAT?_ ”

“Yeah, I meant to tell you earlier. I finally got Nile to sign off on it late last night, but this morning was so crazy that I only got a chance to tell you now.”

“BERTHOLT’S COMING?”

“Believe me, he was even louder when I told him.”

“I don’t believe it! They told me it was impossible!”

“I did a lot of research into the subject as well as talking your own individualized case over with Nile and Hanji, and we came to the conclusion that even though regressive behavior is possible, it isn’t probably in your case because the positive boost in mood and motivation that is likely to come with a visit will push you forward. Basically, we’re willing to try if you are. Obviously the final decision is yours. So what do you say?”

“I…this is… OF COURSE BERTHOLDT CAN FUCKING COME.”

“That’s what I thought.”

Reiner stood up and seized three-fourths of the room’s occupants just by stretching out his massive arms. “You hear that guys? I’m going to see my Bertl again!”

“Oh god. Now he’s going to be even worse,” Connie moaned from somewhere underneath the boy’s armpit.”

“As a lesbian I object to being this close to a man’s crotch on principal,” Ymir said.

“After you guys get married how many babies are you going to have?” the dark haired boy asked.

“It doesn’t work like that, Marco,” Jean answered.

“You obviously don’t understand the power of true love, Jean.”

“Does that mean you’ll bear _my_ babies for me?”

“Of course not. You’re not financially secure yet.”

Reiner squeezed everyone so tight that all speaking abilities were cut off. Levi was so glad he wasn’t involved in the crushing hug. “Oh my god guys. What am I going to do? How can I make enough progress in just two days? And for god’s sake what the hell am I supposed to wear?”

“Well not your pride,” Ymir muttered, “You don’t seem to have any of _that_ left.”

“You’re just jealous because Christa hasn’t put out yet,” Reiner said.

“It’s not my fault we’re in separate fucking wards!” Ymir growled.

“Can we not make this about you?”

“Why? You’re not tired of having every damn day be about you yet?”

“I’m finally getting to see him. This is the first time I’m getting something I wanted. Can’t you just be happy for me?”

“Happy that every effort that goes into this fucking place is for you?”

“It’s not my fault you don’t have anyone who can come and visit you.”

“Oh go fuck yourself! You certainly do that enough!”

“Enough!”

Erwin pushed himself between Reiner, who’d dropped everyone, and Ymir, who was glaring at him with a fire Levi was afraid would set Erwin’s beautiful eyebrows aflame, but he met the girl’s gaze fearlessly.” I don’t need all this bad energy in here. Levi’s on his fifth day of withdrawal. You should know better than anyone else how little he needs this crap now.”

“Yeah, on _your_ fifth day you cried like stabbed piglet,” Mikasa muttered.

“When I said stop, I mean stop it,” Erwin snapped. “There’s enough hate and intolerance in the world, we don’t need to bring it in here too.”

“Well _he’s_ the one who brought in most of the bad energy,” Mikasa grumbled, nodding toward Levi.

Levi was inclined to agree, but Ymir threw herself back in her chair and said, “Leave him alone. Erwin’s right. The fifth day is horse shit. Yeah I cried, but you know what? You would have too. Your emotions aren’t your own during the withdrawals. I once had a knife stabbed through my thigh and then had to walk two miles like that before I could get to a free clinic, and tears never occurred to me then. But during the withdrawals? Forget it. I didn’t even recognize myself. How many times you cry so far, shorty?” she asked.

Levi thought about not answering, but it didn’t really matter. “Once. On the third day.”

Ymir blinked. “That’s it? Seriously?”

Erwin sat back down and ruffled Levi’s hair. “It _is_ pretty unheard of, Levi. You should cry for us some more.”

“In your dreams, fuckhead.”

Levi darted his eyes to the floor. He wanted to lean into the touch, and maybe he would have if there hadn’t been so many people watching. Erwin let go of his hair. “We’re already almost out of time guys and you haven’t even finished introducing yourselves. They’re going to fire me as group leader for sure.”

“Shit. What if we got stuck with Shadis?” Connie said.

“I think I’d kill myself first,” Sasha said.

“You’re well on your way already,” Christa assured her.

“Will you guys just finish?” Erwin begged. “I don’t care what order you go in.”

“Fine,” Ymir said. “I’m Ymir. I’m here because of Alcohol abuse, and my goal for this week is to get laid.”

“That’s not a valid goal.”

“Okay, to get laid while I’m _sober._ ”

“You’re impossible,” Erwin said, but waved his hands, motioning for the next person.

“I’m Christa,” said the small blonde girl, “I’m here because of my tendencies toward arson, and my goal this week is to not set fire to the new curtains, even though they’re ugly as hell.”

“They _are_ pretty ugly,” Erwin admitted. “Auruo has awful taste.” He nodded toward Jean.

“I’m Jean, and I’m here because I like to count things too much,” he said. “And my goal this week is to try not to count how many times Dr. Hanji picks her nose because the number always makes me nauseas.”

“I can’t believe I let that woman touch me on a regular basis,” Levi said with a shudder.

“At least she washes her hands between patients,” Erwin said. “I’m the only one here who gets to touch her in all her nose picking glory now.” He turned to Marco.

“Um, I’m Marco, and I’m here because of an internet addiction,” he said. “And my goal this week is not to offer unsolicited advice unless people ask for it.”

“What does that have to do with the internet?” Levi asked.

 “He was addicted to answering shmucks on yahoo answers,” Jean clarified. “He’d spend hours every day typing out all these really well thought answers until it seriously impacted his school work and sleep schedule. He, of course, is the resident angel here.”

“ _Jean_ ,” Marco hissed, blushing.

“You’re so fucking cute Marco I can hardly stand it,” jean said, then paused and added, “Day 6, week one, 54th curse, 18 fucks.”

“He even counts his own curses?” Levi marveled.

“Can I go now?” Connie said. “I have to pee.”

“Introduce yourself first,” Erwin said.”

“Fine. I’m Connie springer, I have a hoarding disorder, and my goal of the week is—“

“To finally admit that your disease is total made up bullshit,” Sasha interrupted.

“It is _not_.”

“Please. I’ve known you for years and you never collected a damn thing not even seashells or stamps or whatever. But then suddenly I get put in this dump and then you develop a hoarding problem. How convenient.”

“It’s not made up. The trauma of you leaving must have released it inside of me,” he huffed, crossing his arms over his chest. He couldn’t meet her eyes, which was why he missed the tender smile Sasha directed at him. She patted his head. “I love you too, grumpy.”

“Then stop giving me heart attacks every day.”

“I don’t love you _that_ much.”

“What’s your goal?” Erwin asked, clearly excited that they were finally almost done with introductions.

“To get Sasha out of this stinking place.”

“That’s what you said last week.”

“Well it’s still something I have to work on seeing as she’s still fucking here.”

“Bald people shouldn’t curse,” Ymir said. “It’s disturbing.”

“For the last time it’s called a buzz cut, and it’s very dashing.”

“Whatever helps you sleep at night, baldy.”

“Levi? You ready to finish this?” Erwin asked.

He made a noncommittal sound.

“Great.”

“That wasn’t agreement.”

“To my desperate ears it was. Please go.”

“Ugh. Fine. My name is Levi Ackerman, and I’m here because of an alcohol problem I developed trying to fight my germphobia. And my goal this week…” He trailed off and looked at Erwin. The man was looking at him with his undivided attention, eyes full of his interest and kindness. “Is to stop pushing people away.”

Erwin’s face was worth Levi’s embarrassment, because when the words left his lips the man treated him to a smile that could have powered an entire city for a week. Levi’s blood hummed happily in his veins. He shook his hair into his face. His heart thudded with expectation and he wasn’t disappointed when Erwin’s hand came forward and pushed it back. His fingers lingered on Levi’s cheek. Levi didn’t dare breathe, afraid to break the spell. Erwin’s eyes were the color of promise. But it couldn’t last forever. Someone eventually had to speak.

“So are we done here, or what?” Connie asked, shifty because of his full bladder.

Erwin turned away from Levi, his hand dropping from his face. “I guess so.”

Connie made a beeline for the door.

“Wait,” Sasha said, causing the hairless kid to pause. “You didn’t go yet, Erwin.”

The blonde smiled. “Give me a break…”

“No way! You gotta go!” Sasha said.

“Hell yeah,” Ymir agreed.

“Do it, Erwin,” Jean said.

Erwin sighed, but his small smile was indulgent. Connie sat back down. The blonde looked at all of them. “Okay. As you all know, I’m Erwin Smith, and I’m here because three years ago I spent 90 days in this center as a patient in the alcohol recovery program.”

\---

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy crap this chapter is way too ridiculously long, and I realized I stuffed a lot of things into it. I have no idea why any of you put up with reading all of it. One day I'm going to have to learn to cut down, but today was not that day. As promised, I finished your chapter today. I've been pushing off school work to get two chapters done this week so I'll have to do some of it before I can get back to writing, but hopefully I'll be able to put out a chapter once a week. Thanks so much for sticking with me guys. Your comments so far on this story have been super encouraging. I wasn't sure whether anyone would be interested in reading about a mentally sick Levi, but I guess there's more interest out there than I thought. I suppose this chapter could technically be called a cliffhanger, but those of you who have read my writing before are probably used to that ;)


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4:

Levi stared. For some reason the air felt like it was burning, and he was choking on the smoke. But Erwin wouldn’t look at him, even though Levi’s stare was boring a hole into the man’s head—even though all Levi wanted was for the man to look at him. He’d be okay if Erwin looked at him. He’d figure out how to deal with the information he’d been handed if Erwin only looked at him. But the man didn’t look at him. He was too busy looking at everyone else.

“Seriously? This center?” Sasha crowed, once more bouncing in her seat.

“Wait, so you’re saying you experienced this place, and actually decided to come _back?”_ Ymir demanded.

“Yes.”

“Incredible.”

Erwin rolled his eyes. “Get out already. I’ll see you all tomorrow.” His voice was warmed over with underlying laughter. The voice didn’t fit. How could he sound so lighthearted after what he’d said? People hopped up from their chairs and moved toward the doors. Most of them touched Erwin. Jean clapped him on the back, Marco touched his hand, and Ymir elbowed him in the side. Erwin also touched them. He ruffled Armin’s hair, tucked Mikasa’s scarf in, nudged Connie’s overfull bladder, and held his arms open for Reiner when the man wrapped him in a bear hug. All those germs all over Erwin from so many different sources… Levi wanted to dunk the man into a giant industrial sized tub of sanitizer and keep him there for several long days. But he couldn’t. Because Erwin’s body wasn’t his own body, and it didn’t belong to him. Levi’s fingers brushed Erwin’s arm. He hadn’t realized he’d been stretching his hand out, and snapped it back as soon as he felt Erwin’s skin, but it was too late. Erwin noticed. He turned to him and smiled with his eyes. “Yes, Levi?”

_Stop that. Don’t look at me like that, as if I’m okay. I’m not. How could I be after dropping a bomb like that?_

His vulnerability was something he could feel rubbing against his insides like a prickly sweater no one wants, and that vulnerability made him angry. Levi met Erwin’s eyes just long enough to treat him to a death-like scowl before reaching down for the wheels on his chair to spin himself toward the door.

Erwin jumped up. “I can do that Levi. I didn’t clean the wheels this—“

“You can either move or get run over.”

Erwin didn’t move. Levi gave his wheels an angry shove in an effort to get around the man. Erwin’s arm came down in front of him.

“Levi. Is this about--?”

“I’m going back to my room.”

“Okay. Let me just close up here and I can help—“

“No. I’ll go myself.”

“But you haven’t eaten yet.”

“I said I’m going myself.”

“Levi…”

“Damn it, I don’t want to see you right now, Erwin. Get it through your thick fucking skull.”

He shouted the words, but he didn’t look at Erwin as he said them. He expected the man to hit him. To storm off. To curse him out. To tell him what a shitty ungrateful prick he was.

He did not expect the man’s silence. He did not expect the man to crouch down in front of him. And he did not expect the gentleness of the man’s next words.

“Levi. Look at me.”

Levi bit his lip. “No.”

“Why not?”

Too damn gentle. Levi wanted the man’s arms. He wanted his safety. Wanted that gentleness. He shook with it.

“Because I don’t want to see your pity.”

Another pause. And then something Levi didn’t expect. A small chuckle. “Wow. You really _do_ think I’m an idiot.” He was waiting for Levi to look up, but he didn’t.  “Listen Levi. I don’t usually make a habit out of pitying people who could probably kill me with one hand tied behind their back.”

Levi smirked. “I’d probably do a decent job without both. At least, when I was at my prime I could have.”

“Please go easy on me. I’m an old man.”

“Please, you need pity even less than I do.”

“I wouldn’t go that far…”

Levi finally looked up at him. Erwin’s eyes were twinkling. It made the breath in Levi’s lungs expand. Then that breath twisted up when Erwin reached forward and pushed his hair back, and…kept his hand there, twisted in the strands. “Are you upset at me that I didn’t tell you sooner about being an alcoholic? I wasn’t hiding it from you, you know.”

Too damn perceptive for his own good.

“No.”

“You think at your age you’d be a better liar.”

“Fuck off, bitchface.”

“I’m right, aren’t I?”

“If you look any more pleased with yourself I’m going to punch you in the face.”

“Are you always this easy to read?”

“I’m warning you, Erwin.”

“Because it’s too damn easy. Where’s the challenge?”

“That’s it!”

Levi took hold of his wheels again and this time made it passed Erwin who was laughing his ass off. “No! Wait!”

As if. Levi’s face was already red. He had to get away before he blurted out anything stupid. His whole scalp was on fire with tingles from Erwin’s touch. He made it halfway down the hall before Erwin caught up with him, and jerked the chair around.

“Don’t touch my chair!”

“I’ll touch the noble chariot as much as I want.”

Levi refused to back down from Erwin’s stare even as the man leaned into his space. “And why’s that?” he demanded.

Erwin kept coming closer. Levi begged his heart to be silent but the stupid organ went on pounding anyway. Finally the man’s forehead was pressing against his. Erwin’s eyes were still twinkling. “Because my touch doesn’t bother you.”

Levi glared at him, but he couldn’t deny it. Because the reason his heart was threatening to give out had nothing to do with germs right now. But even as he watched, and Levi really had a prime view this close up, the twinkling in Erwin’s eyes changed. The brightness grew more even, deeper, until his eyes were more like smoldering coals.

“Can I give you your kiss now?”

Erwin Smith’s voice was sex. Levi didn’t know how he’d gone so long without associating the two together, but he was definitely noticing it now. The man’s voice was deep, smooth, but with just enough roughness to make the hair on his body stand up and take notice. Levi definitely wanted that kiss. His lips were already parting for it, his breath quickening. But when his hands came out he didn’t wrap them around the man’s neck. Instead he shoved them against his chest. “No.”

He was shaking.

Erwin cocked his head to the side. “Why? Hallway not romantic enough?”

“Stop fucking with me.”

“How am I fucking with you?”

“I don’t want your damn favors.”

“In what way is this a favor? We had a fair deal.”

“I don’t want a kiss to be a fucking business transaction, Erwin!”

Erwin’s eyes weren’t twinkling anymore. Levi felt like he was going to throw up. He had to get away. He didn’t want to see the next thing that would appear in the man’s eyes, because despite Erwin’s words, Levi was sure it was going to be pity. He couldn’t see that. No way. Not when Erwin was the first man to ever treat him this way. Well, Moblit was decent to him, and he was a guy, but that wasn’t the same. He wasn’t falling in love with Moblit. And that was the trouble here. He was definitely falling for Erwin, and that’s why the idea of that kind of kiss—one that had essentially been bought—was so repulsive to him he was starting to gag. He had to run. The chair wasn’t fast enough. There was only one thing that would be fast enough.

“Levi, it’s not…”

Levi pushed himself out of his chair, and as his feet touched the filthy germ infested ground he had to bite down hard on his tongue to stifle his scream.

“LEVI!”

Levi began to run. He knew his flesh wasn’t really burning. He knew that was all in his head. His flesh couldn’t boil. It couldn’t melt from the germs. But knowing that didn’t help. He still felt the germs as they ripped through his skin and infected his blood turning it black, killing him. He felt them shoot through his veins, to his heart, leaching into the organ, trying to strangle it.

He kept running. He needed to get somewhere safe, but there was only one place he could go and that was miles away. He didn’t even know how to get there from here. He had no idea where this facility was. He’d been unconscious on the drive over here. He raced right past a stunned Erd and then passed an open mouthed receptionist. A nurse through himself in Levi’s path but the swift little man skidded around him without touching him.

He was filthy. The filth was dragging him down, filling him up. Every part of him was full of disease. He threw open the door, kicking it with his diseased foot. It would already have to be amputated anyway. There was no way he’d ever get it clean. He’d never be clean again. The cement was cold on his bare feet. That wasn’t good. It was heat that killed disease. He would have to boil his flesh, but he couldn’t stop. If he stopped the germs would kill him even faster. He needed her. The only person who he could have now.

“Hanji!” he screamed. But it was no fucking use and he knew it because Hanji was at home with Petra. _“Hanji!”_

She couldn’t hear him. She would never hear him. He would die out here. His foot hit a puddle and the diseased scum splashed up his leg. He screamed again.

“Zoe…” The name wasn’t a shout. It was a sob. “Zoe I need you.”

His foot twisted beneath him. His hands shot out to steady himself but it was too late. Already he had tilted too far forward. He was going down. He was going to hit the ground and die. He would definitely die. No one could touch that many germs and die. They would crowd his mouth and choke him, force themselves through every pore and bury his mind.

He twisted in the air, anything to avoid falling on his face. But he never landed. Arms caught him first.

“ _Levi!”_

Erwin’s arms wrenched him up and crushed him to his chest, pushing him into the safe smell. But nothing was safe now. The germs were everywhere. Nothing was okay.

His fingers dug into Erwin. His mouth was full of blood from his tongue and it was leaking out of his mouth. More wounds meant more openings for germs. He needed to stop screaming, to close his mouth, or they would get faster. But would it even help? They were already inside. All his flesh was on fire from the trillions of little drills they were using to dig through his flesh.

“Get Hanji on the phone, and get me a fucking sterile room now! I need everything wiped down with straight bleach. No dilutions. Wrap the bed in sterile paper.”

Erwin was moving, racing back the way they’d come. Levi could feel every jolt of the man’s motions through his body.

“Get the water running. I’m going to need to dunk us both in it before anything can be done. Where the fuck is Nile? I’ll need him on hand for a psychological emergency. His pulse is skyrocketing.”

They slammed back through the doors, and Levi could feel Erwin’s blood, slick on his hands, from the wounds he had ripped into the man’s neck with his nails. He was dying. He knew it. His vision was already going black. He didn’t want to die with the germs.”

Another door was thrown open, an unfamiliar one. He was tossed onto a bed. Levi’s screams became blood curdling. Erwin began to rip at his clothes.

“It’s my bed, Levi. Mine. It’s safe.”

Levi’s hands were stretching, clawing, needing Erwin back, needing the man to take him away from the filth. Erwin yanked Levi’s pants off. His shirt had already been dealt with.

“One second. Just one. I’ll get you clean. I swear I will.”

Levi felt blood in his throat. His screams were tearing through his blood vessels. His lungs were starving for air, but all he was sucking in were germs.

Erwin tore off his own shirt and tossed it to the floor. Another person burst into the room. Levi screamed harder.

“He’s aspirating that blood,” the newcomer said.

“Get out!” Erwin shouted.

“But in order to transfer him safely you’ll need two people. Otherwise you can’t properly restrain--“

“I said OUT!”

Erwin’s roar was loud enough to drown out Levi’s screams. The newcomer left. Erwin ripped off his uniform pants and was scooping up Levi the second they hit the floor.

“I have you. It’s okay, I have you,” Erwin murmured as he pushed through the door again. Levi’s motions were blind now his vision too black and spotted to see. His fingers found flesh and clawed it, desperately trying to keep the germs away.

“DON’T LET THEM IN! DON’T LET THEM!”

“I won’t. You’re not going to die. You’re too strong for that Levi. The germs can’t kill you. Not you.”

He was wrong. They were way stronger than him. They always had been and he was no match for them.

Down the corridor and into a bathroom. Not his. A much bigger one. The bathtub was huge and it had two taps running full blast. Erwin climbed the steps down into it and shifted Levi to one of his hands. The other grabbed a large washing cup and began to heap scalding hot buckets of water over Levi, who buried his face in Erwin’s chest and clenched every bit of himself shut including his mouth, which made his screams awful muffled whimpery things that made him hate himself more than the germs.

“I know this doesn’t kill them, Levi, but we’re getting any physical dirt off first, okay? I’m not doing to stop here. I won’t stop until everything is all right again.”

Then he would be there forever because it would never be all right. The world was too dangerous. Too infested. But he water was so hot. The water was an Ally. And Erwin was the only one there, and there were no barriers between his skin and Levi’s.

“You need to breathe, Levi. Match your breaths to mine.” He lifted Levi’s hand and pressed it palm flat against his chest. Levi felt Erwin’s chest expand fully before deflating in a slow exhale. Erwin repeated the cycle again and again, soothing in its sameness. And after a while Levi found his body mimicking it in the same way people unconsciously set their pace to match the person they were walking with.

“That’s right, Levi. That’s great. You’re doing well.”

Levi couldn’t answer because that would necessitate opening his mouth and letting the germs in, but he showed his disdain for the words by digging his nails even deeper into the man’s back.

“Yeah, I know, you don’t believe me. But I swear you’re not dying. I saw my father die, and he looked a lot worse off than you. Didn’t scream as much though. You’ve got quite the set of lungs on you.”

Erwin set down the cup and wrapped both arms around Levi again. One was under his legs, and the other was cradling his upper body so that Levi could bury his face in the man’s chest. As he stepped out of the bath, water streamed off the both of them in sheets. Good bumps erupted all over Levi’s body wherever Erwin’s warm skin wasn’t touching. Another uniformed staff member rushed in.

“Which room?” Erwin asked.

“12,” Shadis answered.

Erwin swept past him. In the hall Levi could hear various shouts of staff members. His anxiety was a physical force pounding against his membranes. Erwin’s hand found his hair.

“Just a few more minutes. I’m damn good at cleaning, remember? I’m gonna scrub the shit out of you. None of those germs will survive.”

It was hard to keep a good grip on Erwin because he was so slippery now but Levi’s fingers were doing their best.

“You better not be doubting my abilities, Levi. I’m a very capable man. Even ask Nile, and he doesn’t usually approve of anybody.”

Erwin pushed open another door using his shoulder. Levi would have killed him if he’d tried to take his hands off of him. Two staff members were still scrubbing the room. One of them Levi recognized as Erd. The other was a dark haired man with a faux-hawk.

“Is the bed clean?” Erwin asked.

Erd nodded. “Is he okay with us being here?”

Erwin turned to Levi. “Can they stay here and finish or do you want them to leave?”

The answer was obvious. Levi forced himself to crack his mouth open. “Leave,” he rasped. His throat felt like an open sore. Both men stood up immediately.

“Leave the supplies,” Erwin said. “I’ll finish it myself.”

They both nodded in unison and left. Erwin brought Levi to the bed, but he couldn’t put him down. Levi was clinging to him too desperately.

“You can trust their work. Erd was the one who cared for me when I was in the facility. And he and Gunther are a great team even though they normally work in separate wards. I work with Gunther down in the behavioral addictions unit.”

“ _Before_ you transferred.”

“Right. Of course. That was before.”

There was something weird about his answer.

“You _did_ transfer. Right?” Each word was like digging nail ends deep into the lining of his throat, but he needed the answer.

“Of course I did. Now let me put you down. You’re heavy.”

“Because I’m not a husk.”

“That’s right.” He smiled. It made Levi feel a little calmer. “Don’t worry. The bed is sterile.”

“I’m not.”

“I’m about to fix that.”

Levi forced his fingers to unlock. They felt stiff from how hard he’d been clenching. But when Levi felt the mattress against his back his hands snapped right back around Erwin’s neck. “No!”

“I can’t clean you if I’m holding you, Levi.”

Levi hissed.

“Let go, Levi.”

“No.”

“You’ll feel much better after you’re clean, and you’ll be able to hold me as much as you want afterward.”

Levi considered it. His body was crawling with germs.

“You swear?”

“I swear.”

“As much as I want?”

“Forever. Okay?”

“…okay.”

“Brave man,” Erwin said and pressed his lips to Levi’s forehead. When he drew back he was no longer holding him. As soon as the arms were gone Levi felt the germs attack in full force again. It was as if Erwin’s body was a shield against them.

“I thought everyone was a boy when they were afraid?”

“I was wrong.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Because I don’t see a boy in this bed.”

Erwin cracked the seal on the tub on the table. Fresh sanitizer.

“Just going to do my hands first, and then I’ll do you, okay?”

“Okay.”

Erwin began to rub the sanitizer into his hands starting with his nails. Everyone forgot the nails. Levi never did, and Erwin didn’t either. It was as the man began to scrub it into his wrists that Levi finally noticed.

Erwin was covered in blood. All over his body—chest, back, arms, neck, shoulders, face—were scratches. Dozens and dozens of them. Some of them were so deep that they continued to weep blood in a continuous trickle. Levi had done it. He’d done all of it.

“Oh god…”

Levi felt the black inside of him twist and spread. He couldn’t have. Not to him. How could he…?

Erwin’s face whipped up. “What? What is it?”

“Erwin…”

Levi’s body curled up. He reached for the man. “I didn’t mean…I didn’t know…I didn’t. I didn’t!”

Erwin grabbed Levi’s shoulders. “Levi it’s okay.”

Levi was shaking his head violently. “Monster. Monster. They should lock me up. They should break my hands.”

“No one’s going to touch you, Levi.”

“Lock me up. Slice me up. Burn me, hurt me, kill—“

“Levi, stop it.” Erwin’s hands grabbed Levi’s face. “Stop. No. I won’t let anyone—“

“But I _hurt_ you.”

Levi’s voice cracked, and then he began to weep. “Hurt you. I _hurt_ you.”

“What the hell are you talking about? These little scratches? That’s nothing, Levi. They’ll be gone in a couple of days. They don’t deserve your tears. Come, Levi. Let’s get clean. You want that, right? Shh…It’s okay. I promise it’s okay.”

“I’m sorry. Please don’t leave. I’m sorry. I won’t do it again. I won’t.”

“Levi, it doesn’t matter.”

“It does!”

“I’m not going to leave.”

Erwin smoothed the tears from Levi’s face with his thumbs and peered closely into his eyes. “ I am _not_ going to leave you, Levi, even if you do it again. I’m not going to leave you if you get dirty. I’m not going to leave you if you yell at me. I’m not going to leave you if you aren’t able to do what I ask. I’m _not_ going to leave you, Levi. Understand?”

_I love you._

The thought was a clear one, and Levi didn’t feel the weight of the words because they were so freeing.

_I love you, Erwin Smith._

They made a lot of sense, those words. He’d thought the same thing when he’d experienced true acceptance the first time around. Only back then the name “Erwin Smith” had been replaced with “Hanji Zoe.” Acceptance wasn’t something that Levi was met with very often. It was hard to accept all of him, at least, he thought so. He was a difficult man. A complicated man. A thorny man. And…a scared man. He knew that giving someone your love was giving that person power. So much power. Levi never wanted to have that power used against him again. That’s why his heart was so closely guarded. But he hadn’t known how to guard it against Erwin. He had good locks, but Erwin was better. He slipped passed all the doors like they were nothing. He made Levi feel like the locks weren’t necessary in the first place. And, Levi had to realize, he loved him. It wasn’t a choice he had to make. When someone put in that much effort to ensure your safety, your heart tends to act on its own.

Erwin held Levi’s face with one hand while he pushed his hair back with the other. “Do you, Levi? Because I’ll say it as many times as you need.”

“I understand.”

His words were just a huff of air. His voice had given out.

Erwin brushed his knuckles across Levi’s lips. It was impressive how hard it was not to kiss them. “I won’t make you speak anymore. Rest your voice. I’ll get you some anti-inflammatory meds for your throat soon.”

He let go of Levi’s face and reached for the tub once more. He scooped out some gel and picked up one of Levi’s hands. He began to massage the gel in.

“It took me about two years to become alcoholic enough to get booked into this facility,” Erwin began. The motions of his fingers were firm and steady. “Well, I didn’t book myself. My friend, Nanaba, dragged me here. She’d gotten tired of my self-destructive behavior. I had too, to be honest, but I couldn’t see far enough passed the glass to do anything about it.”

He continued to work on the hand. And, when he was finished, switched to the other one. Levi felt his curiosity begin to overcome his anxiety.

“The withdrawals were awful. I felt like my insides were being scraped out. I craved oblivion, but all my dreams, when I did manage to sleep, were full of intense disturbing nightmares. I would wake up with tears on my cheeks, unaware of where I was. I had both visual and auditory hallucinations. You’ve been lucky enough to escape those, but they’re pretty common when you’re going dry. I thought I was living in hell.”

Levi wanted to ask so many questions. What kind of dreams would make a man like Erwin cry? What kind of hallucinations did he have? How long had he had them for? But he didn’t ask. Not because of his throat, but because he felt that if he interrupted now he’d somehow break the spell. He realized that Erwin was telling him something about his past, for the first time to Levi, without being prompted.

Erwin finished with the second hand and moved up to work on his face, starting with his lips. “Erd was great. He’s so patient, and he’s one of those people who can intuitively sense what people need. He’s the one who inspired me to go into nursing, and into this field in particular. The day before my release I told him that I’d be enrolling in nursing school tomorrow, but that I was worried because I’d been out of school so long, and I wasn’t sure I was cut out for this type of work. And you know what he said to me? he said, ‘One day you’re going to help someone that makes all the schooling—every day of it—worth it.’”

Erwin finished with Levi’s lips, but he didn’t move his fingers. Levi went utterly still beneath him. He could feel magic knitting his bones together.

“The day I got my degree I approached Hanji and asked her for a job. She told me I could have 20 jobs, because we’re always understaffed here. I met my first patient, Annie. A girl who’d worked her way up the chain of drugs until she’d ended up at the real killers. She had a glare like a razor and a personality to match. I felt like my schooling was worth it. I met my second patient, Thomas, who’d developed a drinking problem to deal with recurring nightmares of being eaten by monsters, and I felt like my schooling was worth it. Every patient I met, both the difficult ones, and the easy ones, the kind ones, and the cruel ones—with every one of them I felt my schooling was worth it. I haven’t spent a day in this facility regretting the decision I made to change careers at 34. But you know what? It wasn’t until I heard a certain someone tell me to fuck off three days ago, that I realized I’d finally met the person Erd had been referring too.”

Levi hadn’t known how strong the desire to kiss another person could be until that moment. It was a desire that ripped through him leaving him both gutted and too full at the same time. He finally understood all those dramas, all those books where people allowed their lives to be ripped apart for romance. He understood because he realized it would be worth it, so long as it was for Erwin Smith.

_If you kiss me right now I will never let you go_ , Levi thought. But Erwin didn’t kiss him.

“Close your eyes,” he said, and Levi shut them. He wasn’t sure when his trust in the man had become so automatic but he wasn’t going to question it now. Erwin applied the sanitizer to his eyelids and then to the rest of his face. When he reached his neck, Levi stopped him. “I…if you continue, I might…my body…”

“Bodies react to touch, Levi, I know that,” Erwin said. “You don’t have to worry.”

Levi blushed. He couldn’t help it. He was going to get hard. Could feel the beginnings of it already. And he was both upset and relieved by what Erwin had said. Relieved because his embarrassment had lessened but upset because Erwin had misunderstood. He was wrong. Because if Erwin had been anyone else Levi wouldn’t have been aroused. He knew that because this was the first time he was feeling it. Well, not the first time. He’d been aroused since the first day he’d met Erwin, but Erwin was definitely the first person he’d ever been attracted to. And, he thought, at 30 years old it was about damn time. The problem was that Erwin thought Levi was only reacting because his body was being touched. The even bigger problem was that Erwin was his nurse, which meant he was a paid caretaker, which meant they were on very uneven playing ground, which meant, despite Erwin’s continuously touching words, that Erwin probably saw him as a patient, not boyfriend material. The pretty huge problem, even if Erwin thought he was boyfriend material, Levi wasn’t really boyfriend material because he was fucked the hell up. And the hugest problem of all, and one that only occurred to Levi at that exact moment was that even if he himself wasn’t boyfriend material, Erwin definitely was, which meant that the whole world would be after him, which meant that Erwin could have whoever he wanted, which meant that Levi probably had thousands of people ahead of him on that list, which meant he would never get to be with Erwin even though it was the first real time he had ever wanted to be with anyone ever, and he was pretty damn sure that this was because Erwin was the exception to the rule and Levi would never be attracted to anyone else again.

He frowned. Erwin noticed.

“Lie down Levi, it’ll be over soon, and I won’t stare.”

“Is that right?”

“Well maybe I’ll peek a little, but nothing you’ll notice.”

“Erwin!”

“Thank god. You finally sound like yourself again.”

Levi stopped with his mouth still open. Erwin took another handful of goo. He was smiling. “Lie down on your stomach, and stop talking. Hanji’s already going to kill me for wrecking your voice. Don’t dig my grave any deeper.”

Levi hesitated.

“I promise the bed’s sterile. You can rip off the top layer. They put on a lot of sheets so you can rip them off layer by layer as they become contaminated.”

That wasn’t why Levi had hesitated. He laid down on the bed, his cheek to the paper, and closed his eyes. A moment later Erwin’s hands began to need the sanitizer into his shoulders. Levi felt goose bumps erupt everywhere.

_Think of something other than Erwin._

But that was impossible. It was hard to even focus on the germs when Erwin’s hands were on him like this, destroying them all. Levi clamped his lips shut to prevent a groan from escaping him. He thought some very mean things about his penis. But it didn’t help. By the time Erwin’s hands had slid to his lower back, Levi was fully erect.

_Traitor!_

His penis couldn’t have cared less if it tried. It obviously liked Erwin a hell of a lot more than it liked him.

Erwin’s hands continued in their efficient way, putting the same amount of effort into every spot, and didn’t stop until he reached Levi’s butt. “Do you want me to…”

_Yes! Fuck yes!_

“Of course not. I can do that myself.”

_No! Shit. Don’t listen to me. My ass is ready. I AM SO READY. TAKE ME THE FUCK NOW_.

“Okay.”

_No! No! No! No!_

Erwin’s hands moved down to Levi’s toes.

_Fuuuuuuuuuuck._

They began with the nails.

_You just lost the goddamn only opportunity of your life because of a little pride and embarrassment. I hope you’re happy with yourself._

He was pretty sure he could hear his penis weeping while in the throes of intense sorrow.

“Levi…”

Levi stopped his inner shame fest. “Yeah?”

“I don’t want to make you run again.”

He didn’t talk again until he’d moved up to Levi’s thighs. Levi felt his anxiety wrack up another 100 points while he waited.

“I don’t know what it was exactly that I said, but I never, _ever_ , want to be the trigger for an attack again. I…”

Erwin’s hands stopped moving. Levi twisted his neck back to see the man. Erwin’s face was composed. But he wasn’t okay. His eyes looked like shattered glass.

“I’ve been working here more a little over a year now. I’ve taken no vacations, and usually stay late. Basically what I’m trying to say is that I’ve been around this place a hell of a lot and in all that time, if you add up all the mistakes I’ve made and roll them into one, I don’t think they can measure up to the damage I did today. I feel like fucking trash. I caused the incident today. I hurt you. I caused that panic. I…I know that you’re not a man to display your fears so the level of panic you must have felt to react like you did… I’ll probably never know that level of anxiety. Probably not very many people will. And now I have to live with knowing that I brought that about. I…I’m more sorry than I can say.”

Levi sat up, but Erwin didn’t look at him.

_Tell him. Tell him he’s wrong. Tell him he doesn’t know how important he is. Tell him the truth. Tell him what you feel._

But he didn’t. He could only stare. Erwin still didn’t look up.

“So if you want me transferred back… If you want someone else around… That’s completely understandable. After today I don’t have the right to tote around the title “medical professional.” I’d recommend Erd. He would never have caused what happened today. I’m sure of it.”

_Of course not. Because I would never get freaked out by wanting to fuck Erd and not having those feelings reciprocated._

“I’m sure you’d flourish under his care. He’d understand everything. He’s gentler than me, kinder. He doesn’t tease the way I do. He’s appropriate, mature, soothing, and—“

“Completely the wrong person. You’re staying.”

“I’m sure he would be happy to—wait, _what_?”

“Tell Erd to fucking keep on doing whatever he’s doing because I don’t want him.”

“But… _why_?”

“Because he isn’t you.”

It didn’t take long for Levi to realize just how sappy and gag-inducing the words he’d just uttered were. But they were worth it—so very worth it—because several seconds later Erwin’s eyes changed. They weren’t shattered glass. Not anymore. Levi never wanted to look away the way they were looking now.

And then Levi realized he’d died and gone to heaven or something, because a pale pink, like the barest hint of rose, brushed Erwin’s cheeks. He hadn’t realized the man could get any more beautiful. He’d thought he was safe in that department. He’d never been proved so wrong in his life, because the sight of a faintly blushing Erwin was enough to shut down most of his vital organs.

Erwin laughed and pushed a hand through his blonde mop of hair. It was usually perfectly kept, but over the craziness of the past half hour, and the dunking in the bath, it had managed to become almost a mess. Levi decided he liked it that way. “Shit,” Erwin breathed. And…was he biting his _lip_?

Make that _all_ of his vital organs.

_I want to bear your babies_ , Levi thought. He’d already given up evaluating his thoughts when it came to Erwin. He was just going to have to put up with the fact that when it came to the man he was prone to thinking some really weird shit.

But even if he wasn’t worried about his thoughts, he had to deal with the crap he was spewing from his mouth.

“Um, uh, can we just forget I said that?”

“Never.”

“Please?”

“I’ve never been so fucking flattered in my god damn life and I’m old as fuck.”

“You’re doing the hot cursing thing again.”

“You going to get another boner?”

“Damn it! You said you weren’t looking!”

“I peeked. A lot.”

“You bastard.”

“You’re bigger than I thought you’d be. I’d almost believe that it didn’t belong to a midget.”

“You’re just so fucking hilarious.”

“It’s surprising, but most people don’t realize that.”

“I’m not surprised.”

“Maybe they’re too blinded by my killer good looks to notice.”

“In a few more years you’ll be all wrinkled and just as ugly as the rest of us.”

“Oh but so much can happen between now and then.”

_Like fucking me past the boundaries of decency and into the realms of insanity?_

Thank god he didn’t actually say that. Levi threw himself back down onto the bed and mumbled darkly into the mattress paper.

“You’re going to have to turn over, you know.”

“Go fuck with someone else.”

“It’s never as much fun with anyone else.”

“I take it back. I’m going to speak to Hanji about transferring you back.”

“Sure you will.”

“At least sound a _little_ doubtful, damn it.”

Erwin slopped some more sanitizer onto his legs. “I suppose I could _try_.”

“Oh so _that_ you can sound doubtful about…”

Erwin’s laugh was a rumbling wave. “You _really_ better stop talking. Your voice sounds like you’re hitting puberty a second time.”

“Great. Maybe I’ll finally go through the growth spurt I never got.”

“Did you just—“

“Hey, _I’m_ allowed to make fun of my height. You’re the one it’s forbidden to, geezer.”

Erwin laughed again, and that made Levi so damn proud of himself. He might have fucked the hell up today, but if he could end the day with a laughing Erwin, it couldn’t have been _that_ bad, right?

“Hey, Erwin…?”

“Didn’t I tell you to stop talking?”

“Maybe.”

“What is it?”

“Do you…” Levi forced himself not to pussy out. “Do you forgive me?”

“For what? Forcing me to take an impromptu bath?”

“For scaring you.”

There were a few seconds of silence that worried Levi immensely, but then Erwin’s fingers touched the short bristly part of his undercut, and the touch was as gentle as it always was. “You’re sick right now Levi. I wouldn’t blame you if you came down with stomach virus and then threw up as a result of it, would I? You had an attack, and it was very scary, but it wasn’t your fault. Don’t ever feel guilt over this.”

“I’m tired of being sick.”

Levi didn’t mean for it to come out sounding that pathetic, but Erwin’s hand didn’t move, which meant it was okay.

“You’re going to get better.”

“How do you know?”

“Because you’re stronger than anyone I’ve ever met.”

Levi waited a few seconds, allowing himself to feel the flush of pleasure from the words. Only then did he deny it. “I’m not.”

“You are.”

This time he didn’t deny it.

“And another thing.”

Erwin helped Levi roll over, and he waited until he’d slapped some sanitizer on his chest before continuing. “You’re not alone, Levi. You don’t have to carry it all. I’ve got some pretty big shoulders. You can lay some of the burden on me.”

Levi hesitated, but then he thought, _fuck it,_ and slid his hands up Erwin’s arms. He _did_ have pretty big shoulders.

“Damn it. Now I have to clean your hands again.”

“No you don’t.”

“But my germs-“

“You’re my shield. You don’t get germs.”

Erwin turned away from him, and messed around with the sanitizer tub a little too long to be considered normal. When he turned back around, nothing looked out of place, except maybe his eyes were a bit shinier than they’d been before. There was no more talking after that. Erwin finished sanitizing Levi, which took a little over an hour. Then he helped Levi go the bathroom. He did this by slipping some packaged hospital booties over Levi’s feet, allowing him to cross to the bathroom, which Levi was okay with so long as Erwin promised to burn said booties as soon as he’d finished with them. Then Erwin managed to get some fruit into Levi, as well as some water, before Levi decided he was too tired for anymore. The truth was that he was still too repulsed from germs to stomach any more than that, but he didn’t want to scare Erwin, though he was pretty sure the man knew the real reason anyway, especially since Erwin spent the next 3 hours sanitizing Levi’s new room and bathroom, all of which Levi remained awake for. By the time Erwin finished, the sun was down and the man was covered in sweat. Levi got hard again. It was impossible to avoid, even though Erwin had at least pulled on a pair of scrub pants over his underwear. But thankfully Erwin had clothed Levi with some more packaged and sterile hospital clothing and that pretty much hid the problem. He turned around and gazed moodily at the wall just to be sure. “You can use my shower, you know,” he said.

He didn’t think Erwin would take him up on the offer, even though he’d been serious when he offered it, and was pleasantly surprised when he did. Levi had never let any others use his shower at home. Not even Hanji. She didn’t know how to clean it well enough afterward to meet his standards.

When Erwin came back into the room his hair was towel dried, wearing only the scrub bottoms and totally heart attack worthy.

_Climb into my bed and kiss me at once_.

Erwin didn’t climb into his bed and kiss him. Levi was severely disappointed. Erwin did, however, move to Levi’s bed. He’d already flicked out the light.

“Levi?” he said softly. “You still awake?”

“Yes.”

“Anything else you need?”

_You_.

It was only after Erwin blinked down at him that Levi realized he’d actually said that one aloud. Shit…

Well, he had already thrown himself down the crapper, he might as well finish what he’d started.

“Please stay.”

He was glad he could blame the croakiness of his voice on his case of laryngitis.

Erwin touched Levi’s hair. “Okay.” Levi may have leaned into the touch a little.

Erwin let go of him and turned around to get the chair standing against the wall, but Levi’s voice stopped him. “No. Not like that.”

His heart was thudding again. He wasn’t supposed to ask this. It probably broke at least 7000 patient/caretaker rules in some damn manual somewhere, but he didn’t care. He could hear the roaring of his blood again, but this time it wasn’t infected.

Erwin turned back around. “Then you want…?”

Damn it. Erwin was really going to make him say it.

“Hold me.”

If Erwin laughed at him he would throw himself under a bus. A filthy one.

He didn’t laugh. “Is that what you need?”

“Yes.” His lack of hesitation in answering was kind of embarrassing.

Erwin came back to his bed. “What can I keep on?”

Levi twisted around again to look at the wall. “Just take off your socks. The rest is fine.”

He was pretty sure Erwin could hear the sound of his heart beating even if he’d conveniently managed to go deaf in the last thirty seconds or so. Erwin sat down on his bed. Levi’s breath caught. The bed creaked and the mattress depressed. Then there was warmth. Erwin stretched out on the bed beside Levi. Levi still wasn’t breathing. Erwin’s arm snaked around Levi’s waist and pulled him close. His back met up with Erwin’s chest. His entire world stopped. This was the first perfect moment he could remember, and he wanted to engrain every detail of it in his mind forever—the planes of Erwin’s bare chest, the cool freshness of the new sheets. The burning imprint of the blonde’s fingers on his stomach. The tickling of Erwin’s breath on the back of his neck. Everything.

“Like this?” Erwin asked.

_Yes. Exactly like this_

Levi let out a small sound he’d never made before. It was almost like a purr, except more desperate. Erwin’s fingers got a little tighter on him. Levi leaned back into the hold. Erwin’s knee was pressing against Levi’s calves. He leaned back a little move. The knee slid between his legs. Levi knew he’d be able to cook an egg on his face. He was practically steaming.

“Your pulse is—“

“Don’t say it. I know it’s high.”

“But—“

“I’m embarrassed as fuck.”

“Don’t be.”

Easier said than done. He was hard for the third fucking time. That had never happened to him before. He didn’t dare turn around now.

Erwin’s fingers began to trace a light pattern on his stomach. Levi didn’t know if the man was aware of it, but _he_ was aware of it, and it was the most distracting thing since the invention of the laser pointer.

_Stop. This is the same man who spent the last six hours calming you down from your meltdown. You can relax around him. He’s not just a hot piece of ass. It’s Erwin._

Levi reached down and wrapped the fingers on his stomach in his hand. Erwin linked them together. Levi closed his eyes. His heart was still thudding, but as he focused on Erwin’s breathing, he found his own shallow breaths growing deeper. Levi let the pocket of Erwin’s body become his blanket and allowed himself to let go. No germs could get to him now.

As Levi drifted off he could have sworn Erwin whispered, “I like being your shield.”

\--

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I just gave myself a fluff overdose. Don't mind me I'll just be over here squealing in the corner. (I can't handle blushing Erwin. Talk about greatest weaknesses...) But don't worry. I never let you guys have fluff for long. *makes evil smirk* I worked all day on this because I had a day off from class and I'm pretending my homework doesn't exist. I can't believe how much wonderful feedback i've gotten. I'm pretty sure I have the best readers in the world. You've all helped really motivate me to keep writing as fast as I can. Love you all


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5:

Levi woke up without Erwin. He supposed it was ridiculous to expect the man to stay the whole night, but he let himself be pissed off about it anyway. He sat up in his sterile sheets and scowled. That’s when he realized Hanji was fast asleep sitting on the chair beside his bed with her body slumped over the mattress, her head in the general vicinity of his knees. There was a small drool spot on the paper below her mouth. She was the only one Levi knew who could sleep with her face planted directly into something.

_How does she breathe?_ he wondered.

She wasn’t in her lab coat, thank god, the thing was filthy. She was actually in his favorite outfit of hers. A faded promotional t-shirt with the Mr. Clean logo on it and her pair of “comfy” pants—a ratty and pilly pair of grey sweats Petra never let her wear in front of anyone but Levi. He loved when she was comfortable, but he knew that if she was wearing it now it meant that she’d rushed straight over here with only Levi on her mind.

“Why the fuck aren’t you with Petra?” Levi whispered. He reached down and put a hand to her hair. Her glasses had fallen to the floor in her sleep. Without them she looked so much younger than he was, even though, at 28, there was only two years between them. There were dark circles beneath her eyes. Everyone seemed to have them now. He knew he did, and, come to think of it, Erwin did to. They just didn’t seem that noticeable because they didn’t make him look like a wreck as they did most people.

Levi’s eyes flicked to the very end of the bed and found a pile of packaged clothing. He reached over Hanji and picked up a pack of the hospital booties. He didn’t particularly feel like getting out of bed because germs were fucking cold blood killers, but he had to pee like, well, like someone who gets up in the morning after almost 12 hours of sleep. That was another thing. His sleeping was ridiculous. He was one of those people used to getting 5 hours a night. But now his body was acting like it couldn’t get enough of the stuff. He was sure if Erwin was here the man would tell him something like ‘the process of healing is very demanding of your body.’ He found himself smiling, and that was a bad sign. If even Erwin’s annoying explanations were precious to him he was in way too deep.

He slipped the booties on and padded into the bathroom. There on the sink he found perfect little sterile packages of soap, toothpaste, and a toothbrush. The toilet too had packages of tissues and wipes all sterile-y wrapped. Near the toilet was a bucket of cleaning supplies, and the shower had all the necessary items too—of course, also pre-packaged.

_You have to stop this_ , he thought, gripping the sink edge tightly. _Stop being so considerate. Stop working so hard. I already know I’ll never be able to pay it back but you keep leaving me farther and farther behind._

He touched his stomach. He could almost still feel Erwin’s fingers there, like a phantom touch. _I want to see you. I think I’m going to want it every day, and I think it’s only going to get worse._

He forced himself to move again, because otherwise he would pretty sure he’d sink to the floor and moan about how stupidly lost in the man he was. He peed, and then, after scrubbing the shower floor, walls, and faucets, took the first shower he’d taken by himself since he’d come to the facility. But even though all the motions were his own, he knew they were only possible because of Erwin. Because Erwin wasn’t aiding his sickness, he was, for the first time, helping Levi become independent without crutches like alcohol. If Erwin had only been cleaning for Levi, he would have begun to resent him. But no, Erwin was constantly thinking of ways to move Levi forward. He only gave him exactly how much help he needed, and nothing more. He didn’t baby Levi, and he didn’t pretend that Levi was helpless. Sure, he’d had to regress a bit after last night’s meltdown, but Levi felt stronger now because of it. He’d be better. He’d show Erwin how much better he was getting.

Levi touched the shower wall and then brought the contaminated fingers up to his face. _I can wash them off_ , he thought as a spike of germ induced anxiety shot through him. _I survived last night. I can wash them off. Erwin is not the only shield. I can be a shield for myself._ He scrubbed his hand. He had to do it several times, but eventually he was okay again, and Erwin had helped him gain the power to make it so. Before stepping out of the shower he pulled on another pair of the hospital booties, also piled conveniently in the bathroom, and padded back into the bedroom. He went to his bed and, before getting dressed, stopped and pressed a kiss to Hanji’s forehead. He hadn’t done that in a while, kissed her, but God knew the woman deserved it.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I’m sorry I put you through all this. I’m sorry I was so secretive. I’m sorry for being a bad friend.”

His hand was in Hanji’s hair again, his fingers running through it, gently combing out the tangles. He was only a little surprised when Hanji raised her hand, eyes still closed, and put his hand in hers. “A fucking awful friend,” she amended.

Her voice was scratchy, but he, having destroyed his voice, really had her beat in that department.

“Yeah. I meant that.”

“I still want to punch you.”

“I want to punch me too.”

She raised her head and looked at him. She was the most beautiful woman he knew. He hadn’t always thought that. When he’d met her at first he’d thought she looked like an overgrown bush (to be fair, she’d just conducted an experiment that had fried her hair at the time). But as the years passed she became so beautiful to him, that it had taken him months for him to accept Petra as he was convinced that no one deserved his Hanji. Of course he saw Petra as a very beautiful woman now too, because he loved her, but Hanji still was, and would always be, the most beautiful woman in Levi’s life.

She reached up and touched his face. “Your eyes are clear.”

“That’s what Petra said before you carted her off to murder her.”

“You look like you used to—like my favorite version of you. I hated the alcohol.”

“I know. That’s why I hid it from you.”

“Don’t ever hide anything from me again.”

“As if you would let me.”

She smiled. He tugged on her ponytail and then began to pull his pants on. He was in no rush. They’d both seen each other naked at least a dozen times before, and it never bothered either of them. Hanji sat down on the edge of his bed.

“I didn’t expect you to be this okay after yesterday.”

“Me neither.”

“He’s so good for you. I’d be jealous if I wasn’t so happy.”

Levi looked at her. There were tears in her eyes.

“Oh, no. Don’t go there. If you cry I’ll have to punt you out the window.”

She swiped at her eyes with a laugh. “Every time I see you I find you in his arms. You look good there. Safe.”

Levi scrubbed at his hair. “This shit is so embarrassing.”

“I didn’t know you could connect with someone that quickly.”

“With you—“

“Someone other than me, of course. We’re clearly soul mates. It doesn’t make sense to compare.”

Levi smiled. He used to complain when she used that term because Hanji seemed too free, too crazy and independent and unique to be soul mates with anybody. But he had to admit as the years went by that none of them would ever find anyone else who fit them in quite the same way. He sat down beside her and put his head on her shoulder. Then he groaned. “Look at me. He’s turned me into a fucking cuddler.”

Hanji put her arm around him. “It’s pretty scary.”

“I like him way too fucking much. I feel like a teenager.”

“So now you finally match your bratty personality.”

“I don’t want to fall in love with anyone.”

“He’s pretty hard to resist. You’re no match for him.”

“Thanks for the vote of confidence.”

“I bet you stare at his ass all day.”

“That fucking ass. I swear I’m going to blind myself just so I can have a decent thought again that isn’t tied to the damn thing.”

“You going to sleep with him?”

“He’s a nurse, I’m a patient. The power dynamic is—“

“Answer the damn question, Levi.”

Levi buried his face in her shoulder. “God I want to.”

She squeezed him close, and he let her, allowing himself to feel warm and comforted, but when he felt a tear hit his neck, his head shot up. “What--?”

Her hold was starting to reach rib cracking levels. “I never thought…it’s not that I didn’t believe in you, I just…I’m so happy you found him. I’m so happy. I just wish I could’ve done that, what he did. I wish I’d been the one you needed. If I had what he had maybe you never would have gotten this bad. Maybe you never would have touched alcohol. Maybe—“

“Hey. HEY! Stop that! Don’t do that. Don’t compare. You’re still the most important.”

“He’s better for you. He heals you. I’ve never seen you look that peaceful with me. If I’d known how good he would be I would have pushed harder for you to meet him.”

Something snapped into place in Levi’s mind with a jolt.

“ _Wait_. HE’S the hot guy from work you were always pushing me to come and meet?”

“I can see why you’d be confused. There are a hell of a lot of hot guys working here. Petra’s so happy that the same can’t be said for the women here. She’s got a bit of a jealous streak.”

“Shut up about you, we both know we’re here for me right now. What did Erwin say about it? Was he interested in meeting me?”

“He didn’t seem _opposed_ to it, I guess. But everyone’s always trying to set him up with people so I think he finds it all a bit tiring. He was willing to, though. He said if you were my best friend you were bound to be pretty interesting. But you were the stick in the mud so nothing ever happened.”

This was a very difficult thing for him to process.

“Are you trying to tell me that I could have been in that man’s pants a whole year ago?”

“Pretty much.”

“God damn it!”

“Don’t be so hard on yourself. I’m sure there’s someone out there who threw away an opportunity almost as bad as yours at some point.”

“I’m such a fucking _shithead_.”

“No, you were just making a lot of bad decisions back then.”

“I turned down Erwin motherfucking Smith.”

“Okay so maybe that decision deserves a whole category of its own, but, look at the bright side. He certainly seems to like you now. I’ve never seen him so attached to a patient before.”

“He said that he thinks I’m the one that was meant to make his nursing career worth it.”

“Shut up. That’s so fucking romantic I’m going to puke. Did he really say that?”

“You think I could make this shit up?”

“Levi. That’s practically a confession.”

He shivered. “Look at this,” he shoved his arm into her face. “You see these goosebumps? They happen every time I think of him.”

“Just give up. Your heart doesn’t belong to you anymore, which is probably a good thing because you were shit at taking care of it.”

“I don’t know.”

“Of course you don’t. You’re scared as fuck. You don’t want to get your heart broken. But you know, you really picked a good man in that case. I don’t think Erwin is okay with breaking hearts. He’s such a big man but his touch is so gentle, you ever notice that?”

Of course he had. It would be impossible not to notice.

“I’m so screwed.”

“Let’s hope you are. I don’t think the world’s ready for a sexually frustrated Levi.”

“These clothes aren’t nearly decent enough.”

“I know. That’s why I bought some stuff for you. Can’t have you looking anything but gorgeous for your little blonde Adonis. Don’t worry I used the industrial strength washers to clean everything, and _yes_ I did wipe down the washing machines first. God. I’m such a good friend. You’re so damn lucky that I exist.”

Levi threw his arms around her. “ _Thank you._ ”

“Aww shucks you’re making me blush.”

“You don’t know how to blush.”

“That’s not true. I think I did it once. By accident. I may have been drunk at the time.”

Levi released her. “Erwin’s blush is beautiful.”

“I’m sure it is.”

Levi had begun to shake. You could say that he was a little excited.

Hanji laughed. “Oh go see him already. All the clothes are in your room. I brought other stuff as well. Erwin spent all morning scrubbing them after I came. Your whole room in fact. Your floors are way cleaner than my counters at home.”

Levi wanted to kill the man. He also very much wanted to kiss him. “How am I supposed to keep up with that?”

Hanji ruffled his hair. “It’s not a contest. He does it because he cares. You show that _you_ care by focusing on getting better. I’m pretty sure he thinks you’re working just as hard as he is.”

“Do you think I’m going to get better?”

“Do you want to?”

“Yes.” he thought about that answer, felt the truth in it, and said it again. “ _Yes._ I’m tired of living this way.”

“Then yes, I think you’re going to get better. I don’t think you’ve ever wanted it this much before.”

Was that enough to make a difference? He wasn’t sure, but Hanji was an incredibly intelligent woman.

“Where is he?”

“Up in the behavioral addiction ward.”

“I guess they still rely on him a lot over there,” Levi said. It couldn’t be easy transferring when so many patients were attached to you.

Hanji blinked. “Of course they do.”

Levi stuffed a couple of pairs of socks into his pockets as well as the small bottle of sanitizer Erwin had given him. He’d refilled it last night. Now he was ready for pretty much anything, maybe even Erwin Smith.

“You going back to see Petra now?”

Hanji sighed and stood up. “I wish, but I’ve got to make rounds first. Nile’s had to pick up too much of my slack lately.”

“I keep hearing that name. Who is he?”

“I can’t believe you know so little about my work life. He’s the one I opened this center with. He’s the psychiatrist on staff.”

“Do you like him?”

“I didn’t used to. We went to med school together and I thought he was a total prick. You probably remember him by the nickname I gave him.”

“Wait. You mean Bolo?”

“Yeah, after that stupid tie thing he wears.”

“Oh yeah. You used to torture the guy.”

“Yeah, well, turns out he’s pretty decent, at least, to patients he is. And that’s all that really matters. And…he isn’t exactly stupid.”

“Didn’t he get the top marks in your graduating class?”

Hanji chose not to answer. Levi smirked. Hanji of course was smarter, but she’d spent too much time illegally experimenting to focus on remembering to take all her exams. She had the material down perfectly, she just didn’t always get to show her professors that.

He squeezed her arm. “Tell Petra…” He let himself trail off.

“That you love her? You know those words aren’t that hard to say.”

“Whatever. Just tell her.”

“If I didn’t know your heart was actually bigger than all of ours I’d think you were emotionally constipated.”

“Shut up.”

“Just go already.”

So Levi did. When he left the room he realized he was still on the substance addiction floor, and found his room easily enough. It was pretty distinctive being the only one that smelled like a chemical factory. Levi let the smell of bleach and Lysol wash over him in calming waves. Yes, he was aware that that was pretty fucking weird, but he didn’t care. He walked over to the table where all of his stuff was laid out neatly on top of a sterile sheet.

“If I believed in marriage I would marry the fuck out of you,” he whispered as he took in Erwin’s handiwork. He came to the clothes and picked up the first shirt he saw. His eyes took in the v-neck, transparent sleeves, and tight fit, and very nearly burned themselves out of his sockets. “The fuck is this?” he shouted. He dropped the shirt back onto the table before it could burn him. He went through the rest of the clothes, and, though few measured up to the horror of the first, most were still pretty bad. It was a good thing Hanji wasn’t in the room with him, because Petra would have been pretty pissed to find out he’d slaughtered her wife in a show of fashion fueled rage. Everything, of course, became a hell of a lot worse when he realized that Erwin, who’d cleaned and laid everything out so nicely, had seen all of it.

Levi clapped his hands over his face and blurted out words he’d never uttered before. “Oh god he thinks I’m a slut!”

That was it. He’d have to change his name and get a complete facial reconfiguration done by a talented cosmetic surgeon. He’d need new papers--passport, driver’s license--the works. And then he’d have to flee the country, because there was no way he was going to let himself see Erwin ever again after this. However his mind hadn’t even settled on a new middle name yet when he heard a dry chuckle behind him.

“Oh good, he could use one of those in his life.”

Levi whipped around at the sound of the voice and came face to face with a blonde woman in a leather jacket sporting a haircut that was quite similar to his own. She was leaning against his doorpost with her hands in her jeans’ pockets.

“Who the fuck are you?” Levi demanded, scared to know how long the woman had been standing there.

She smiled. “The name’s Nanaba. And going by your crude mouth and oh so pleasant personality you must be Levi.”

His eyes narrowed. “How do you know my name?”

“Oh--doesn’t everybody?”

Her smile showed that she knew how infuriating that answer would be.

“So can I come in, or are you going to pull a freak attack on me?”

“Fuck off.”

She bent down and began to pull off her shoes. “Toss me one of those, would ya?” she said, nodding at the pile of hospital socks. Levi didn’t know why he picked up a pair, and he certainly didn’t know why he lobbed them across the room. She caught them and pulled them on too fast for Levi to regret his actions.

She stepped into the room and whistled. “Damn. And I thought my mother was a cleaning nut…”

“Hey, this is Erwin’s handiwork, not mine.”

“Get out of here. No wonder he hasn’t been answering my calls. How many hours a day does he spend with you?”

“Uh…”

Nanaba stopped looking around at the spotless room and stared at him. Levi felt his defenses go up with his embarrassment. Her stare was open and patient. He broke first. “Look I don’t know, okay?”

“But a lot, right?”

His jaw was a tight line again. He really had to learn to stop clenching it before he permanently injured himself. “Maybe.”

Nanaba whistled again. She was better at it than he’d ever be. “What’s he look like? Has he been sleeping? He never sleeps enough.”

“How the fuck would I know?”

“He isn’t, is he? I’m going to kill that bastard. Did he have dark circles under his eyes? They only show up when its already too late.”

Levi felt his stomach jerk. There _were_ dark circles under his eyes.

“Maybe there are.”

“ _Shit_.”

“Why? What happens when he gets dark circles?”

“What happens is that I fucking castrate the man. Working two fucking full time jobs is what it is seeing as he’s been flooded down in the behavioral addictions ward. One of the regulars is out sick so he has to pull even more weight…”

“Wait. No. Erwin was transferred out of the behavioral addictions ward.”

“No he wasn’t.”

“Yes! He _was_! He told me--”

“I don’t care what he told you. I just spoke to Gunther and he said he’s done four 12 hour shifts down there this week and that the only night he slept at home was Tuesday.”

_Impossible. He wouldn’t…_

But he would. Levi knew he would. He was just bastard enough to do it.

“Shit…”

His heart thudded as it was pulled all the way down to the pit of his stomach.

“He was never transferred…” The words burned on his tongue, but they didn’t taste like a lie. “He’s been working down there this whole time. While I sleep he--”

“Goes and works 12 fucking hours at a time. I know. I’m going to murder him and dump him on his mother’s porch.”

Levi felt weak. He sank down on the edge of his bed.

“Hanji--”

“Probably knew, but she’s not herself right now. Must’ve decided that your health was more important than his. She loves you a whole damn lot you know. Always talking about you.”

Levi felt needles in his skin. Hanji would do that too. She’d never pretended to be better than she was. She’d sacrifice others for Levi. And Erwin was fucking good enough to let her. He was going to puke.

“Shit. You look like you’re going to puke.”

“Shut up.”

“Seriously you’re as pale as my dead grandma.”

“Why would he _do_ that?”

“Don’t look at me. I gave up trying to predict how he would react to things after Mike died.”

Levi froze. Nanaba didn’t. She walked over to the shirt he’d dropped and smirked at it, as if she hadn’t just said words that changed everything.

“Wait. WHAT?”

“What?”

“Mike’s _dead_?”

“Yeah. Has been for 6 years now.”

Levi’s eyes were going to pop out of his head if his eyes opened any wider. Nanaba looked put off. “Sure, it still hurts like a bitch sometimes, and it probably always will. But I’m okay. Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Oh. My. Shit.”

“Levi…”

“I don’t believe it.”

“Levi if you don’t tell me the reason for the melodrama I’m going to--”

“I’m the worst person in all of existence.”

“Aw, don’t say that. I can think of a couple worse just off the top of my head.”

“I should just go drown myself in the tub right now and save everyone the trouble.”

“Okay, _that’s_ an overreaction.”

“I am dirt. I am _filth._ ”

“Hey, no. Why are you--”

“I am the fucking scum of the earth.”

“Enough. Stop--”

“Don’t tell me to stop!”

“Why not?”

“Because you should hate me.”

“And why’s that?”

“Because I accused Erwin of being a dirty shit cheater after I saw a picture of what I now know is his dead boyfriend.”

“Fiancé,” She corrected.

“That’s even worse!”

Levi’s chest was heaving, and his blood was in a race with panic.

Nanaba’s hands came out in front of her like she was trying to deal with a rabid animal.

“Calm down. You didn’t know.”

“That doesn’t change what I said!”

“He doesn’t hold it against you.”

“How the hell would you know that?”

“Because Gunther said that after spending the day with you it takes hours for the stupid goofy grin on his face to even begin to fade.”

That was it. That. was fucking. it. He gave up. He gave up his heart, he gave up his fight. He gave up every restraint and let his body feel the full brunt of his feelings for the man for one bright full moment. _You son of a cocksucking bastard_ , he thought. His whole self flared with the warmth of it. Wonder. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt that emotion.

The air filled with Nanaba’s surprised laugh. “Damn if that isn’t the most _obvious_ reaction I’ve ever seen.

Levi slapped his hands over his face but it was too late. She’d already seen it.

“And here I thought I was going to come in here to murder you. You’re obviously responsible for his total radio silence. You know how many texts I got from him this whole week? Two. And I’m supposed to be his best friend. Don’t even ask me how many voicemails I left on his phone until I decided to drag myself out here. The answer’s too depressing.”

Levi was barely listening. He was too busy having a revelatory conflict in his head.

_He enjoys your company._

_No he’s doing it because he knows what you’re going through and wants to help._

_Nanaba said he smiles after seeing me_

_He lied to you. He didn’t want you to know he hadn’t been transferred._

_Maybe it was because he knew I’d feel bad about it._

_Or maybe because he didn’t want you to know that he was seeing you on his own time. That you weren’t his patient all that time._

_Holy shit I wasn’t his patient all that time._

_He wasn’t getting paid for the time he spent with me._

_He wasn’t fucking getting paid when he scrubbed my room and got assaulted by me and spent hours sanitizing me. He wasn’t getting paid to put up with all my shit. He was here on his own. No one assigned him here. He chose this. He chose to spend all that time with me. He. Chose. Me._

_BUT WHY?_

_Is he a good enough person to do it for totally altruistic reasons? Maybe. He said it himself. He’s always here. Has never taken a day off. He’s probably one of those people who needs to take care of others. Maybe those instincts went off like crazy when he saw me. Maybe I’m his biggest project._

_Damn it! I don’t know. What the fuck does he see in me? What does he want from me? What the hell is going in that brilliant little strategizing mind of his?_

“You haven’t heard a word I just said, have you?” Nanaba asked.

Levi jerked his head up at the sound of her voice.

“Does he resent me?”

“What?”

“You know, does he resent my presence? Does he regret the time he spends with me? Does he wish I’d tell him to stop coming? Does he regret ever getting involved with me? Is he afraid of how hard I cling to him? Does he hate how much I like him? I meant exactly what I said. _Does he fucking resent me or what?”_

He was doing the breathing-too-hard-thing again. But his anxiety was quickly turning to annoyance as he took in the smile on the woman’s face.

“Wow. I don’t like to generalize by saying that men are stupid, but men are fucking stupid.”

“Can you just answer the--”

“I’m talking total moron status here.”

“Yes, yes, I’m an emotionally stunted Neanderthal.”

“You really have no idea how he feels about you?”

That answer was easy. “No.”

“Then why don’t you ask him?”

“Because I’m terrified of the answer.”

He was surprised at how easily the honesty came to him. That didn’t happen with many people. He could do it with Hanji, Petra, Moblit, for the most part, and, he realized, Erwin as well. He’d done the same thing when he’d met the man that first day—been implicitly honest with him. Would it be this way with everything Erwin was close with? Was it some part of the blonde’s influence? Levi wasn’t sure, but he had a feeling it was due to the woman’s own merit. Maybe it was because she seemed to be almost as blunt as he was, or maybe it was because she looked like she didn’t appreciate lies. He didn’t know. But he realized he didn’t regret the words.

Nanaba smiled. “What’s the worst that can happen?”

“He could reject me.”

“So?”

“That’s kind of a big deal.”

“Is it?”

“I don’t want to care this much about someone and then find out he’s apathetic toward me. I’d rather just stew in the anxiety of not knowing.”

“Erwin is a lot of things. He’s a workaholic, he’s terrible at remembering to sleep, his jokes can be so damn awful, and he buys me awful things for my birthday, but he is _not_ a fake person. So if he’s smiled at you, or laughed, or done any sort of thing to indicate that he likes your company, then take my word for it—he’s not apathetic.”

Levi didn’t want to let himself get excited. It was always best to set your expectations as low as you could handle them, but he couldn’t help asking a question.

“What about touch?”

“What about it?”

This was going to be a little embarrassing, but the open look of interest on Nanaba’s face prompted him forward. “Well you talked about smiles and laughs, but what about touch. Like, if he touched my hair or face…what would that mean?”

Nanaba blinked, looking surprised for the first time since she’d showed up.

He squirmed. “What?”

“Erwin doesn’t really touch people.”

“That’s not true. I’ve seen him touch a bunch of people. There was Armin, and Reiner, and—“

“With patients it’s different. He’ll give them whatever they need.”

“Well I’m a patient.”

“No. You’re not. God! Why haven’t you gotten that yet? You’re _not_ his patient. I haven’t seen him invest this much interest in another person since…”

Levi scowled. “Since Mike, right?”

“Oh don’t pull that face with me. So he loved Mike, so what? That doesn’t mean he can’t be interested in you.”

“It’s not past tense. He clearly still loves him.”

“Of course he does. So do I. But it’s a different kind of love now. He knows Mike’s gone. He’s not stuck in the past.”

“He’s had that picture in his wallet for six years.”

“So the fuck what? Why do you care? Does loving one person invalidate love for another? Is that how you think love works?”

“I don’t know a fucking thing about love!”

“Well then stop talking out of your ass!”

They both stopped to take a breath. Levi hadn’t realized when he’d transitioned to shouting, but he was breathing hard now. They both were. He bit down on his lip.

“I don’t know how to,” he said.

Her expression lost its hardness. She sighed and stuffed her hands back into her pockets. “Me either, to tell the truth. I like to talk big, but I never fucking do anything myself.”

“Hey, you’re ahead of the game. At least you didn’t have to be dragged to an addiction center.”

“At least you still have the chance to talk to the person you love.”

“Who said anything about love?” Levi growled.

“I thought that was obvious. You do love him, right?”

Levi felt himself go all tense. But then he wondered why. Why did he have to think so hard about it? Why did he have to close up? What was the point? He thought for two whole seconds and then came to a conclusion. There was no point. He grinned. There was no fucking point. He could do what he wanted.

“You can sit in that chair you know. I can always clean it afterward.”

“This is a germ thing and not a ‘I’m personally offended by your odor thing, right?’”

“That’s right.”

“Okay.”

She sat in the chair. “Now let’s hear about your feelings. I’ll tell you about mine too if you want.”

Levi felt giddy. He really liked the idea of not caring about what came out of his mouth.

“Okay. Well I don’t know what romantic love is because I’ve never experienced it before so I wouldn’t know if I was in it, but I do know what love is. I love Hanji. I love Petra. I love Moblit and I think I loved Mikasa even though I never met her before today.”

“Loved? Are you not sure anymore?”

He thought about it a little. “I was loving the concept of her I guess. She was alone, like me. And she’s my family. I guess it’s weird to finally actually see who she is. I have to find out if I love the actual Mikasa and not just the idea of her.”

He was afraid he was speaking crap, but then he reminded himself that, at least for this conversation, he wasn’t caring about speaking crap. Besides, Nanaba was nodding, which meant she understood what he was trying to say. “What was your first impression of her?”

He recalled her muffled talking and her short biting words. He laughed. “She’s about as approachable as I am.”

“Scary.”

“I want to see her again. I never thought I’d see her like this—you know—as a person, not a picture. She’s…she’s so real, you know? I think part of me sort of wasn’t even sure if she really existed. Well…I knew she existed, but, without seeing her it was almost like…forget it. I don’t know how to say it. I’m not very good with words. They frustrate me.”

“I don’t think you’re any worse at them than anyone else.”

“You probably don’t get out very much.”

She smiled. “Well the next time you see her ask her about Eren, or Armin. She’s different when she talks about them. You’ll see the real Mikasa. She saves all her good parts for them.”

Levi liked that. He wasn’t the kind of person who could be good all the time either, so he often found himself trying to save the good scraps of himself for those he loved too. “How do you know her?”

“I try to stop by once a week. Twice if I can manage it. I work as a mechanic, fixing bikes mostly, so I can’t really do much for anyone here. But I can be pretty good at listening, so sometimes that’s helpful to others. I like it. I did a lot of listening when Erwin was a patient here. He told that part to you, right?”

Levi nodded.

“I was such a mess back then. I probably had an alcohol problem myself, but it wasn’t as bad as his. I don’t touch the stuff anymore just to be sure. Don’t have anyone I want to drink with anyway. Rico doesn’t drink, and Mike’s gone, and Erwin of course will never be able to drink for the rest of his life. Hanji still likes going out to bars, but she doesn’t drink either. Not anymore. She stopped when Erwin started working here. A solidarity thing I suppose. They still like going to bars together for whatever reason. Hanji because she likes to analyze drunk people, and Erwin I guess because he likes to remind himself of what he’s changed. I don’t know. They’re both weirdoes.”

There was so much warmth in her voice as she said it. Levi’s skin was pretty warm too.

“I didn’t like seeing Erwin here, sweating out the alcohol. I spent a lot of my time there talking to the other patients because even though I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t really handle seeing him much either. I hated seeing the pain on his face. All the nightmares came back without the alcohol. It’s why he started drinking in the first place. The nightmares haunted him all the time. He got therapy for them of course, but it didn’t help. He couldn’t stop seeing the scene over and over, and he couldn’t stop blaming himself for it. And when he saw he was hurting me by talking about it, he stopped confiding in me, and that hurt like a bitch, but—“

“I’m sorry,” Levi said, and he was, he didn’t want to interrupt, but he had no idea what the woman was referring to. “The nightmares—what were they about?”

“Mike’s murder,” she said. “In his dreams it would just replay over and over again, and because he hadn’t actually been there to witness it, his mind would come up with every scenario possible. And it never ended.”

“Holy _shit_.”

“I know. I don’t know whether he still has the nightmares. I think he might, not all the time, but just enough to make him dislike sleep and try to put it off as much as possible.”

“And I thought _my_ life was messed up. Jesus.”

His mind was going to bad places. The idea of murder could do that to you. He thought about sinking down beside Hanji’s mangled corpse. That wasn’t okay. That was a terrible thought he never wanted to have again. But Erwin hadn’t been able to brush away the thought. He’d been stuck with it, was maybe still stuck with it. What the hell was it like to go through something like that? To be the survivor while the person you loved was the victim? Levi never wanted to know.

“I wasn’t there for him enough,” Nanaba whispered. “I wasn’t strong enough. I didn’t know how to hold him when I didn’t even have enough strength to hold myself up.” She was staring off in the distance, not looking anything, her eyes weren’t seeing anything in the room. They were seeing something else, or rather some _one_ else.

“The person you were in love with…” Levi began. “That was Mike, right?”

She looked up. The truth was on her face. Her smile was such a heartbreaking thing. “That obvious, huh?”

“Does Erwin know?”

“Yeah, I think so. We never really spoke about it. Kind of awkward, you know? I’ve known Mike since I was in grade school. But he was gay. What was I supposed to do? There was no point in telling him.”

She looked down at her hands, open in her lap. Empty. Levi felt empty too. This was the exact kind of shit reason he had never wanted to fall in love ever.

“I mean, I’m asexual, so I shouldn’t be complaining, right? Even if I’d been a man I couldn’t have pleased him. Not the way Erwin could.”

“Don’t say that.”

“It’s the truth.”

“Don’t.”

“I wasn’t the right person. I was never going to be the right person.”

“You were definitely the right person. Sex has nothing to do with it. Sexuality has nothing to do with it. You loved him and that was important and I’m sure he loved you too even if it wasn’t in the same way, and that was important to you too, right?”

She finally looked up at him, and not at her empty hands. “I thought you said you didn’t know anything about love?”

“I don’t know shit about romantic love. And I don’t know shit about sex either. But I know what it’s like to have a soul mate, and I know soul mates don’t have to have sex to be real. I’m sure if you asked Mike he would consider you his soul mate, or, at least, one of them. He seemed to be pretty damn happy with Erwin too if that picture was anything to go by. But you were the one telling me before that love for one person doesn’t negate the love for another. Follow your own advice, why don’t you. Now come over here.”

Nanaba stood up, her smile was faint, but not as heartbreaking this time. “I can see why he likes you. You’re a very real person, Levi.”

“You can either stand there for the rest of eternity or accept the horrible panic filled hug I’m about to give you."

“Panic filled?”

“Well you’re covered in germs. I’ll probably die afterward, but I don’t know what else I can give you.”

“I dunno… as tempting as that offer is, I don’t want to make Erwin jealous.”

“Yes you do. We both do.”

“Damn, you’re right. Smoking hot guys like him never experience enough insecurity. God knows it’ll be good for him. But you ever see him pull out the pout? I hope you never do. I can never hold up against it. The longest I think I’ve ever gone without giving him what he wants is three seconds. That pout should be made illegal. Even Mike was no good against it. A weapon of mass manipulation, that’s what it was.”

She crossed the room and stopped in front of him. “Can I sit?”

_Do it. Let her. You won’t die. She’s hurting right now, and she’s an important person to Erwin._

He nodded, and then waited. Nanaba didn’t move, but she did laugh. “Jesus you should see the color of your skin right now. You look like a vampire. It’s okay. I’ll hold off on the touchy feely germiness of human contact.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. When you get better I can collect on your crap hug.”

“How do you know they’re crap?”

“Because everyone’s hugs are crap compared to Mike’s.”

“Why?”

“Well…he was real big, you know? He took up so much space. And so when he wrapped you in a hug it was like the whole world disappeared and there was just warmth and safety. I always feel like I have too much space now. Don’t know what to do with it all.”

Levi was quiet. He didn’t know how other people knew what to say. There was nothing he could do that could give Nanaba that safety back. So he didn’t try. Instead he asked a question. “What about Erwin’s hugs?”

She smirked. “Eh, he’s all right I guess.”

“I think I feel that safety you’re talking about when he holds me.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, I mean…I think so. I don’t have anything else to compare it to. But…well, you know how the germs are the scariest thing for me? Well he makes them not scary. When he’s holding me their power becomes so much less. It’s…I can’t describe to you the kind of relief that comes from being able to let go of that fear for even just a few seconds at a time. It’s never happened to me before. I…It’s embarrassing, but that’s why I call him my shield.”

“That’s fucking adorable.”

“Just don’t judge me too harshly. My tough guy image can’t handle it.”

“Your tough guy image was blown to smithereens the second you clapped your hands over your face like a distraught maiden in worry of your slut status.”

“Shut up or I’ll make you wear the shirt.”

“We both know I would look fantastic in it.”

“Go ahead. It’s my gift to you.”

“No way. I want to see Erwin’s face when he sees you in it.”

“Never going to happen.”

“I’ll find a way.”

“Bitch.”

“Freak.”

They were both grinning widely. But it only lasted a moment before Nanaba turned around and headed for the door.

“Where you going?”

She paused in the doorway and twisted her face around. “Well Erwin is obviously waiting for my opinion. I suppose it’s safe to give him my approval as long as I preface it by saying it’s subject to change.”

“Wait. You’re going to talk to him?”

“Of course. I need to hear the story from the source. Not just the rumormill.”

“Rumormill?”

“Didn’t you know? You two are the talk of the town.”

“Please tell me you’re joking.”

“Nope. Three-quarters of the staff think you’re already fucking.”

“What? That’s ridiculous!”

“Is it?”

“Of course it is! I only just barely let him touch me 3 days ago.”

“Well I suppose that when you start a jealous rant in a room full of people where you blatantly make it clear that he’s kissed you, people tend to let their imaginations run away with them a bit.”

“Oh. Right. Shit.” He hadn’t really thought about the repercussions of the whole circle group debacle.

Nanaba waved her fingers at him. “Pick out a real winner,” she said, jerking her chin toward the pile of clothes. Levi’s eyes landed on the table and he took in the awful selection with nervous dread. By the time he lifted his head again the woman was gone. That sent a thrill of horror through him. He’d told her so much. She knew everything now. If she told Erwin… But no. She wouldn’t do that. He was somehow sure of it.

He stared at the empty doorway. He liked her. She had fire in her and her edges were sharp. He needed more people like that in his life. He turned back to face the table, and halfheartedly picked through the pile of clothes. Finally he settled on a black t-shirt and a pair of dark jeans. They were both a lot tighter than he liked but they were the best he had. He just hoped his poor constrained dick would forgive him one day for the crushing he was making it suffer now. He sat back down on the bed to pull on a new pair of hospital booties when he saw something else on the table that he had passed right over before. His phone. It was a beautiful device, and looked new. Almost all of Levi’s possessions looked new because he was so careful with his things, but in this case its newness was due to its actual newness. He’d only gotten it a few days before his breakdown. He hadn’t even transferred his contacts to it. The only numbers he had now were the ones he knew by heart—Hanji’s and Petra’s. He went to the table and carried the phone back to his bed and pulled the web browser up onto the screen. He typed in the name he’d dragged out of Erwin only yesterday: Mike Zacharias. He expected a deactivated Facebook account, maybe a LinkedIn profile. What he did not expect were millions of hits. His eyes widened as the number appeared at the top of the screen, but they practically fell out of their sockets when his eyes caught on the first title. “Celebrity target or random killing?”

_Celebrity?_

The article was dated over five years ago. He clicked the link and a wall of text appeared across the screen. He began to read.

_The first year anniversary mark for the death of Mike Zakarius approaches and the law is no closer to finding the culprits of the crime. Mike, who was the Fiancé of the widely famed American supermodel, Erwin Smith, has long been thought to have been the victim of a violent hate crime due to the model’s openly gay relationship with the man. Mike, an elementary school teacher, was walking home alone on the night of the alleged murder where he was assaulted and stabbed by what forensics have identified as five different men. Evident signs of a struggle, the most prominent of which was the presence of blood on the victim’s knuckles that was not his own, was identified, however no dna matches for the culprits were found. The only prints picked up were those of Mr. Zakarius, leading investigators to a frustrating dead end. The number of assailants involved has led many to believe that the attack was planned, and not just one of the muggings that are a nearly everyday occurrence in the city. Chief inspector Zackly has reported that…_

Levi stopped reading. This was mainly because he’d dropped his phone onto the bedspread.

“What the fuck…”

_Fiancé. Murder._ These were things he’d already been told. _Hate crime. Five assailants._ The idea of a hate crime made sense, though that made it even more chilling. Five murderers had taken the man down. He’d been a huge bear of a man, but five armed men were still five armed men. The article was horrible. And, like all crime articles, it seemed to portray no sensitivity to the victim’s loved ones. Levi had the sharp urge to race to Erwin’s side and screen the man from the words, though no doubt he’d already read the article, and many others like it, many times before.

But he didn’t run to him. He didn’t get up. Didn’t even move. He was frozen there by the other words in the piece. _The widely famed American supermodel, Erwin Smith._

Was that some kind of joke? It had to be. Though if it was a joke it was the worst one ever created because he couldn’t think of anyone, not a single person, who would do such a thing, and Levi knew some pretty horrible people.

Levi remembered the number of hits for the name he’d typed in. That was a hell of a lot. Too many for an ordinary murder, even if it was a hate crime. Too many for an ordinary person, but maybe, not too many, if it were the fiancé of a famous supermodel.

Levi found the search bar and typed in another name: Erwin Smith. The result was explosive. Images. Thousands of them, but his eyes were stuck on the very first. The man in the picture was Erwin. There was no doubt about that. Levi recognized the chiseled jaw, the blonde hair, the regal nose—but it was the eyes that settled it, the striking blue captured forever by a powerful lens. They were too hard to miss. The shot was an extreme close up after all, showing only Erwin’s face, with every eyelash captured in superb high definition quality. The ad was an advertisement for a face cream with a fancy French name Levi didn’t recognize. He knew nothing about face creams, but knew they’d picked the right person for the ad. Erwin’s skin in the picture was dewy and flawless. Levi knew that photoshop had probably not been necessary. Erwin was _that_ beautiful.

_Of course._

He was such an idiot.

_Of course he’s not ordinary._

What had he expected, really?

_No man alive could look like that and be expected to be ordinary._

He’d been such an idiot.

_There has never been a man further out of your league than him, so why is this such a surprise?_

His fingers flipped through images now, too fast to really see them. And that was okay, he didn’t really want to see them. He didn’t want to see just how famous and perfect and desirable Erwin Smith was to the rest of the world.

He put down the phone. His heart couldn’t settle on a single emotion to feel so it tore through too many, too fast, and grew sick from it. He was wearing an awful little smile. It was the smile of a man who’s been proven right even though he wanted desperately not to be.

_A famous fucking supermodel. What a fucking punchline._

The voice was scathing, which was what he needed. But then another voice piped up—softer, more hesitant, but unignorable.

_The fact that he modeled for some fancy face cream wasn’t what made him special. It was the fact that a man like him could have probably bought every face cream to ever exist, but the thing he rubbed into his face 3 days ago had no French name, and no anti-aging properties. He smeared sanitizing gel into that face—a face probably worth millions—and he did it for you._

Levi’s stomach twisted into itself.

Why would a supermodel change career tracks at 34 and suddenly decide that he was going to throw away all that fame and fortune to pursue a life wiping people’s asses?

Why would a supermodel—a man who’s career made his body his number one asset—spend countless hours scrubbing the room of a little foul mouthed man with a germ phobia?

Why had Erwin Smith wrenched himself out of a world that Levi would never have entered and come down to face him head on in this one?

Who was the mystery that was Erwin Smith?

_I’m about to find the fuck out._

Levi jumped up, phone clenched tightly in his hand, and careened out of his room, nearly slamming into the hallway wall in his enthusiasm. He kept going and slammed right into an approaching Erd. He recoiled back, but the germs were already on him. He let out a sharp cry.

“Oh shit, what are you doing out…Whatever. Okay. It’s okay Levi. I can help you change,” Erd said, taking a step back to give Levi space. “Do you feel like you’re going to have another attack? Erwin told me about the technique you like with the sanitizer. I have a fresh tub. I can help you.”

Levi squared his shoulders and forced his eyes to stay open. “No. No time for that. I need…Erd, you have to tell me. Is it true about Erwin? Did he really used to be…”

He couldn’t finish. The words stuck in his throat.

Erd blinked. “What? A model? Yeah. He was a really famous one too. Been on the cover of GQ 4 times or something ridiculous like that. He doesn’t like when we mention it though. Says that’s all a part of his past and he just wants to be Nurse Erwin now. He says that fits him a lot better, and that’s what he wants to be remembered for—caring for people, not trying to convince them to buy products they don’t need.”

Levi was going to die from his love for the man. He really was. Maybe as soon as three minutes from now. It certainly seemed like his heart was threatening to stop.

“Why?”

He pressed his hand to his face.

_Why does he have to stand so far up above me, and why can’t I find it in me to walk away despite that._

“It’s too much. I’ll never be able to compete. I’d probably kill myself trying. Why do I…despite everything why do I…?”

_Why do I think it’s okay for me to love this man?_

“Levi…”

He found Erd looking down at him. His eyes were amused despite the concern in them.

“You sound like Mike.”

It was funny. Despite all the surprises that had been dumped on him in the last few minutes, he somehow still found it in his capacity to be shocked by those words.

“What?”

“Mike and I go way back, and I remember how excited he was when he met Erwin for the first time. He turned into this giddy lunatic, always smiling beneath that mop of hair. But then one day, maybe a week after that, he came pounding on my door in the pouring rain, babbling about how Erwin Smith was _the_ Erwin Smith, the model plastered to all the bill boards, and what the fuck was he supposed to do with himself now, he was just a school teacher who taught kids who occasionally wet the bed their abc’s.”

“Well what did you tell him?”

“Me? Well I wasn’t very useful. I started dying of laughter. But after he’d beat the stuffing out of me, and I finally caught my breath I said, ‘well what the hell does that matter? Is Erwin still interested in you?’ And he was. And that made it okay. Because to Erwin the modeling was just a job, and he didn’t want it to make a difference in how anyone thought of him. And that made a lot of sense to me, and so I think you should ask yourself why _you’re_ allowing it to matter.”

_I…well…that was a trick question, right? Of course it mattered. It meant that Erwin should have no interest in messed up ordinary people like him_. But Erwin did seem interested. Interested enough to spend all that time and effort with him when it wasn’t even his fucking job to do so. Could it really be as simple as Erd was putting it? Did it really not have to matter?”

“This is so stupid.”

“That’s what Erwin says every time someone recognizes him.”

“It bothers him?”

“Hell yeah. He wishes he could erase his time as a model. His mother pushed him into it as a kid, but now I know he regrets trying to please her. He feels like he wasted years of his life that he could have spent here. But of course, the worst part of it is that he feels that if he hadn’t been a model, then, you know, he feels Mike would still be alive. So he—“

“Don’t you dare tell me that that son of a bitch actually blames himself for…oh for the love of Christ. That _fuckhead_.”

And then he was moving again. He darted past Erd before the man could get out another word, and left him standing there with his mouth hanging open.

_Model or not—what an idiot._

Levi swerved around another corner and pounded up the steps. He remembered that he needed the fourth floor. He was angry now, seething.

_Only fucked up people should be allowed to blame themselves for stuff like that. Not him._

He threw open the door to the fourth floor and kept running, not knowing where to go, but knowing he’d damn well find it. He whipped past a shocked looked Gunther and screeched to a halt. “Where is he?”

“The hell are you doing up—“

“Where’s Erwin?”

“Sleeping in the staff room, and it’s about damn time. He’s been up for more than 54 hours, and needs his rest more than—HEY! Where are you going? I said he needs his rest!”

Levi knew the man needed his rest, but he also knew that he had to rip the man another asshole pronto. He kicked open the door titled “STAFF” and roared, “Wake the fuck up!”

Only one of the beds was occupied, and in it was a broad and familiar looking back, bare and belonging to Erwin Smith. The back moved. “Wha…’mergency? ‘s it my Levi? He in trouble?

Erwin dragged himself up and pushed the blanket off his body. He blinked his eyes open, looking thoroughly rumpled, and still partway sleeping. It was the most adorable thing Levi had ever seen and he was pretty sure one of his kidneys had just exploded. Part of him just wanted to fall into the man’s arms and weep over his sleepy perfection, but then Erwin’s eyes flared bright in recognition and his system jumped into overdrive. He leapt up.

“Levi! What happened? Are you hurt? Another attack?” He sounded wide awake now, and he crossed the room in just a few urgent strides. His hand reached out for Levi, but it never got there. Levi’s fist ensured that as it crashed right into the man’s face.

\---

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hella long chapter, right? (why do ya think it took me so long to write?) Don't worry the next one's shorter, and it's almost done so I'll be able to post it in a couple of days so I won't keep you hanging. So much is going to happen in this story it's hard to keep it all running straight and smooth in my head *releases writer's cry of intense frustration* But don't worry Imma finish this fic even if it kills me. I'm not sure this chapter was done as well as it could have been, so you have my apologies (most of it was written under intense sleep deprivation) I really can never tell you guys enough how much your feedback means to me. You guys deserve all the awards. Thank you thank you I love you you all.  
> and, uh, little warning. The next chapter just might be the tiniest bit angsty. *ducks and hides head protectively behind hands* don't kill me.
> 
> i hope you guys liked the addition of Nanaba. If you've read my previous work you'll know that I adore the hell out of her. *cries over Nanaba's perfection*  
> Also I realized I tossed a hell of a lot of stuff your way but most of you probably already guessed that Erwin really hadn't been transferred. The supermodel thing--I think I kept that secret pretty well ;)


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6:

Erwin stumbled back, but caught his balance before he could fall. His disbelieving hand came up and touched his face, but Levi was already shouting.

“You never got transferred! You never had to take care of me! That Mike bastard is your dead Fiancé, and you’re a motherfucking supermodel! Is there anything else you want to dump on me while we’re on a roll here, or are you all out of secrets?”

Levi’s hands hurt and he realized it was because he was clenching them hard enough to cleave through brick. His chest was heaving and it had nothing to do with the 4 flights of stairs he’d just raced up like his ass was on fire. His body was shaking and he knew that he’d done this all wrong. That what he’d just done was offensive as hell, and Erwin had every right to pick up bodily and fling him from the room.

Erwin looked at him. Levi forced himself to look back. All the man was wearing was a pair of thin cotton pants. His bare feet peeked out from the ends of the material and Levi knew he’d never seen such cute toes in the history of all foot related images in existence. Everything ached. Erwin opened his mouth.

“My father died from colon cancer when I was 11, I killed my goldfish when I was 3. And I once drank so much that I passed out in the middle of the street and refused to move because I wanted to see the sunrise, and then woke up later in a jail cell with 22 missed calls on my phone and a strange tattoo on my body that to this day I can’t make heads nor tails of.”

Erwin closed his mouth.

Levi didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. “Is that all?”

“It’s all I can think of at the moment.”

“Smart ass.”

“Handsome smart ass.”

Erwin stepped forward. It wasn’t an aggressive motion. He pulled Levi to his chest. Levi went stiff as a board for all of half a second, and then his arms wrapped around Erwin like he was trying to absorb the man into himself by force. Everywhere his fingers touched was bare, warm, and dry. His face found the man’s neck and all his breath left his body as he sank into the pocket there. Erwin let out a hum of approval and wrapped Levi up snugly.

“Bout time you came to visit me.”

“Gunther doesn’t think so.”

“Gunther doesn’t know how nicely you fit like this.”

“He said you haven’t slept in over 54 hours.”

“That sounds accurate.”

“I want to stuff you in a crate and mail you off to Greenland.”

“Please don’t. It’s too cold there this time of year.

Levi kissed him. He sank his fingers in the man’s hair, clamped onto him too tight, and kissed him for two explosive close-mouthed seconds before yanking himself away. “I’m fucking furious at you.”

“That kiss felt like a punishment.”

“Shut up.”

“I want a nicer one. One that actually feels like you like me.”

“I don’t like you right now, and you don’t deserve a nicer one.” Both those statements were lies. Levi didn’t care.

“So you won’t let me even give you a kiss I owe you, but you get to attack my mouth whenever you want? That doesn’t seem fair.”

“Honestly Erwin if you say another word I’m not even going to bother with the crate, I’m just going to toss you in the ocean in the general direction of Greenland and you’ll have to swim ashore yourself.”

“You’re a meanie head.”

“You are thirty fucking seven years old.”

“Come take a nap with me.”

“No. I’m filthy.”

“You don’t look filthy. You look really nice actually. I like those jeans.”

“They’re practically painted on.”

“That’s what I like about them.”

“Do you flirt with all your patients?”

“Do you flirt with all your nurses?”

“You’re not even my nurse.”

“I never wanted to be your nurse.”

Levi knew that if he kissed Erwin again it wouldn’t be angry at all. It would be softer than anything he was born to handle. He took courage from the man’s words and forced himself to say his next words.

“What did you want to be?”

Erwin pulled Levi’s face close until the tips of their noses were touching. “Wanted to be there for you.”

“Why?”

“Because when I’m around you there’s nothing else, and I feel like I’m more.”

Levi’s heart thudded.

“Is that supposed to make sense?”

“You know exactly what I’m talking about.”

“How do you know?”

“Because you feel the same way.”

He was going to have to tape Erwin’s mouth shut. The man knew far too much.

“All I feel with you is frustrated.”

“Is that what you’re feeling right now?”

Levi didn’t answer.

Erwin rested his hand on top of Levi’s hair. Levi let his head drop down to the man’s chest.

“I’m sorry for waking you up.”

“I’m not.”

Levi allowed everything that was Erwin to wash over him. “You smell nice,” he admitted.

“I smell like antiseptic.”

“Antiseptic is a turn on.”

“I’m going to replace every cologne I own with Lysol.”

“Please don’t. I can’t afford to be that distracted by you.”

Erwin laughed and ran his hand through Levi’s hair. He rested the tips of his fingers against the little bristly bits in the back. “God you’re small. I feel like I could just carry you around in my pocket like a travel sized container of scathing commentary.”

“Yeah, well, if you’re used to holding 7 foot bear-men anything else is going to seem small.”

“Don’t exaggerate. He was only 6’5.”

“He was practically double my size.”

“There’s no practically about it. He was _at least_ twice your size.”

“We better not be talking about dicks here or I’m going to puncture your jugular.”

One of Erwin’s hands stayed in Levi’s hair, but the other dropped to the small of his back and pulled him in until the last of the space between them was erased, and their hips were pressed together. Erwin’s face was so gentle that it could almost be mistaken for fragile.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you everything. I was afraid I’d drive you away,” Erwin admitted.

“That is so fucking stupid I don’t even know how to respond to that one. You were afraid that _you_ would drive _me_ away?”

“I didn’t want you to think I was some vapid pretty boy.”

“Anyone that’s spent more than 3 seconds with you would know that’s bullshit.”

Erwin’s arms tightened around him. “I can’t tell you how much...the fact that you’re still here…”

“If you get sappy on me I’m going to punch you in the dick.”

“Why’s that?”

“Because I want to be angry at you for at least five minutes.”

“Sounds like somebody warned you about the pout. Was it Erd?”

“Nope. Nanaba.”

“Ah...I knew it was only a matter of time before she dragged her butt here. I assume that’s where you got all your information from. What did you think of her?”

“You’re lucky to have her.”

“I am.”

“How did Mike think of her?”

“Like she had personally breathed light into every star in the night sky.”

“Did he love her more than he loved you?”

“Yup.”

“Did that bother you?”

“Not at all.”

“Why?”

“Because when love is that pure it can’t hurt anyone.”

“You’re ridiculously poetic today.”

“It’s the exhaustion.”

“So then go to sleep.”

“But that would require letting go of you, and that’s just not an option right now.”

Levi was in terrible danger of overheating. He was so glad his face was hidden against Erwin’s boobs. He needed to change topics now, _before_ he lost the last shreds of his self-control.

“Where the hell is your tattoo anyway?” he grumbled. “Please don’t tell me it’s on your ass.”

Levi secretly hoped it was on his ass.

Erwin laughed. “It’s not.”

_What a waste…_

“You want to see it?”

Levi was dying to see it.

“I’m mildly curious.”

Erwin tugged on a handful of Levi’s hair. Levi growled and smacked his hand away even though he wanted to interlock their fingers and tug Erwin down for another kiss. Erwin let his arms fall from Levi and took a step back. Levi felt cold. He shivered. He didn’t like how his stomach scraped at the new emptiness. But he was distracted when Erwin reached down and pulled at the waistband of his cotton pants.

“What are you--”

Erwin dragged the waistband of his boxers down on one side until the skin connecting his hip and upper thigh was exposed. Levi felt his mouth go dry. Just another inch or so to the side and Levi would get a full frontal view of the man’s dick. The skin of his palms itched. Erwin looked perfectly relaxed. He brushed a finger across the mark there, and Levi’s eyes followed the motion. The man was right. It _was_ a strange mark. It looked like a badge of sorts, vaguely military-ish. It was a silver badge and in it, well, it sort of looked like a pair of wings. One was white and one was blue and they overlapped down the middle of the badge. Levi’s eyes dug into the image and took a step closer. There was something about it. He didn’t know what it was, but he felt a connection to the symbol, even though he could have sworn on his dead mother’s grave that he’d never seen it before. He would have remembered the weird magnetic pull, and the weird twisting in his gut. Beneath the badge there was a single word written in black cursive. “Onward!”  His fingers brushed warmth, tracing the letters. He froze. He hadn’t realized he’d gotten close enough to touch it, and now… He jerked his hand back.

“I—sorry, I didn’t mean to…”

Erwin laughed. “It’s interesting, right? Once I’d sobered up they dumped me out of my jail cell back into the street. I went back to where I remembered being and stopped into all the tattoo parlors in the area until I found the one where the artist recognized me. I asked him what the mark was, but he said that I’d asked him to draw it. Apparently I gave him a sketch of it and told him that I wanted the ‘wings of freedom.’ Go figure. And then apparently when he asked me where I wanted it I said ‘keep my shame hidden’ and so he slapped it on near my crotch.” He shrugged. “I’ve thought about that night a lot. I remember I was very upset. I’d been thinking about losing Mike, but then everything had gotten worse. I kept seeing flashes of blood and hearing a roar. I don’t remember anything else, but apparently when the cops were dragging me into the back of their car I kept muttering, ‘They ate him.’ Over and over.”

“That’s not creepy at all…”

Erwin sighed and let go of his waistband so that the mark was covered once more. The tingling in Levi’s fingers assured him that he had, indeed, basically touched Erwin’s crotch. That wasn’t something you could brag about every day.

“So do you not like the tattoo?”

Erwin cocked his head. The motion made him look even more like an overgrown puppy.

“Why do you say that?”

“You know, the whole, ‘keep my shame hidden’ thing.”

“Oh. That. Right. Weird, huh? I guess my feelings toward having it are complicated. But whenever I’m upset I always find myself touching it. I guess it’s something my heart is attached to even if I don’t know why.”

“I like it. Especially how you described it. ‘Wings of freedom.’ I’ve always wanted to fly. When I was little I thought if I wished hard enough they’d sprout from my back and I’d be able to fly away from everything.”

“Well you did fly away from it, didn’t you? You said earlier...in group circle that you ran away from home.”

Levi crossed his arms over his stomach before he remembered how stupid the gesture was. He let his hands drop. “Yeah, when I was a teenager.”

“You’re still running, aren’t you?” Erwin touched his wrist, and Levi flinched, a motion he immediately regretted because it made Erwin drop his hand.

“I am, I mean...I was. I sort of crash landed here.”

“I’m sorry about that.”

“I’m not. Running is exhausting. And besides--”

He cut himself off, choking on the words that had been about to rush out of him. Words he couldn’t say because he’d have to slow roast himself on a spit in order to purge the embarrassment out of himself.

“Besides what?”

_I got to meet you_.

Levi shook his head. No way was he going to say that. Erwin nudged his fingers with his own. This time Levi didn’t flinch. Erwin wrapped their fingers together. Not a tight hold, more like a whisper barely hanging on.

Levi looked down at the ground because he wasn’t going to allow Erwin to see his face. He knew he was blushing. Erwin’s fingers got a little tighter, more solid. His other hand found the small of Levi’s back again. They were close. Very close. Their hips nudged again. Levi felt his heart beating in his ears. He felt a whisper of Erwin’s breath on his hair. The man had leaned down. A nudge. Erwin’s nose against Levi’s forehead. Levi’s head tilted back. Erwin’s face was there. The man’s eyes were burning. Was his breathing a little shallow? Levi’s eyes slipped to the man’s lips, tugged there. He regretted it at once. Erwin’s mouth was open, lips parted. Another breath washed over Levi’s face. How close were they now? Too close. The man would be able to hear the awful pounding of his heart for sure. The hand on his back was fire, but Levi wanted to be burned. His throat was immobile, but his eyes begged Erwin closer.

_Please_.

He found himself lifting his body onto the tips of his toes. Too obvious, but he wanted…

The pressure on his back increased, drawing him even further up. Too close to even make out all of Erwin’s face now. So close his striking blue eyes were blurring into one. His breath was brushing directly across Levi’s lips now.

“Levi...Can I….”

_Yes. YES._

“Oh so he’s allowed to wake the big blonde behemoth, but I try to step my gorgeous ass in and Gunther plows me a third nostril. I see how it is.”

Levi sprang back just as Erwin’s hand went slack. They both whipped around to take in a smug looking Nanaba. Her eyes were shining with mischief. Also framed in the doorway was a tall man with dark hair and angry looking facial hair. He cleared his throat. He looked different. His face was more worn and his eyes seemed to have settled a little deeper into his face, but the stupid looking thing around his neck confirmed his identity.

“Bonding with the patients, Smith?”

Erwin’s jaw clenched. Levi didn’t like that.

“Fuck off, Bolo.”

Nile groaned but there was a bit of amusement stuffed in there somewhere. “Great. So you remember me.”

“Of course I do. How could I forget your ugly mug? You do realize that forest on your face is hideous, right?”

Nile’s hand touched his little beard, hardly a forest. “Mary likes it.”

“Does she look you in the eye when she tells you that?”

Nile sighed and scrubbed a hand through his hair. “Still using your acerbic remarks to keep the focus off of you, huh?”

“Don’t pull your psychobabble crap on me. You know I have no patience for it.”

“Sorry, but you’ll just have to put up with it. We’re going to have a little chat.”

“Fuck that.”

“You can’t go through the program without psychological evaluation.”

“And fuck that dumbass tie of yours too.”

“Levi, can’t we just do things the easy way for once?”

Levi opened his mouth to give a suggestion of just where the man could stick his stupid tie when Erwin spoke.

“I thought we agreed that he wasn’t ready for you to start digging around in his head?”

“No. _You_ decided that all on your own despite a total lack of any sort of licensure to qualify you to do so.”

“Give him a few more days. He isn’t even eating regularly yet.”

“You’re babying him, Erwin. I’ve known him for years. He doesn’t need your protection.”

“I’m just being an ally.”

“You’re speaking for him when he’s more than capable of speaking for himself. You want to take the place of the alcohol as his crutch?”

Erwin eyes shot open wide and then he snapped his mouth shut. Levi had already found his annoyance rising, but now, seeing the unmasked horror in Erwin’s eyes, he snapped.

“Bullshit.”

He slapped Erwin’s arm. “Stop that. You’re not a fucking crutch. Stop looking like you just broke the world. And _you._ ” He glared at Nile. “You wanna talk so much? Fine. Let’s talk. You always did like to run at the mouth. And _you,”_ He shot his eyes toward a gleeful looking Nanaba. “Stop enjoying the show and tell me if what’s in those cups is what I think it is.”

Nanaba held one of the cups out toward him. “Freshly brewed with honey and nutmeg. Don’t worry, Hanji made it so it’s clean. She says it’s your favorite--”

Levi grabbed the cup and brought it right up to his nose, inhaling the smell of home.

“This tea better not be decaf.”

“Hanji said your brain doesn’t need caffeine messing around in it while it’s trying to adjust.”

“Fuck that woman with a broken syringe.”

“She thought you’d say that. She left the rest of the box in your room. She says it’ll help your throat.”

_God bless her with a thousand research grants_ , he thought, the highest form of blessing he could ever grant her. He took a burning swallow and relished the way it scalded his throat. Too hot. Just how he liked it. He looked back up at Nile, feeling reinforced by the drink in his hands and his body. “You got an office or something or are we making ourselves comfortable right here?”

That wasn’t too bad of an idea actually. He looked over to Erwin’s bed with the rumpled blanket. His pillow was still dented from the imprint of the blonde’s head. The psychology crap wouldn’t be half bad snuggled up tight with the smell of Erwin surrounding him. Nile pushed himself off the doorway. “Of course. Follow me.”

Levi sighed, casting a longing look at the bed. He was pretty sure even his own bed back in his apartment had never looked that inviting. Forget anyone else’s bed. Hanji’s was the physical manifestation of a nightmare considering she only liked to wash them once every ice age or so. Of course that had gotten a little better when Petra had moved in, but then there had been the issue of lesbian sex juices to contend with. Levi shuddered at the memory. He felt a touch at his elbow. Erwin’s eyes were murky. “I’m sorry.”

Levi blinked. Had he read his mind or something? “That’s okay, I’ll find some time to cuddle in your bed later.”

Now it was Erwin’s turn to blink. “What?”

“Wait. What are you apologizing for?”

“For letting my own biases affect my judgment. Nile’s right. You can speak for yourself. Why? What did you _think_ I was apologizing for?”

Levi’s throat let out a strange little croak. No way in hell would he be going there. “Er, nothing. Come on, let’s go.” He grabbed Erwin’s arm and began to tug him out of the room after Nile.

“Go? Go where?”

“Haven’t you been paying attention or were you distracted by the sight of your own abs? We’re going for psychobabble crap.”

“Wait. You want me to go _with_ you?”

Levi stopped, confused. He’d automatically assumed Erwin would be coming with him.

“Yeah. Do you not want to?”

_Of course he doesn’t want to, idiot,_ Levi thought _. He wants to go the fuck back to sleep considering you’ve kept him up for like 3 straight days apparently._

“I’d love to, but don’t you want it to be private? It wouldn’t bother you if I was there?”

Of course not. Levi couldn’t think of _anything_ that would be worse with the comforting warmth of the blonde beside him.

“Inviting guests?” Nile asked. He looked like he got older with every additional ten seconds he spent in Levi’s company.

“You got a problem with that?”

Levi realized he sounded too defensive.

Nile sighed but turned back around, continuing forward. “I suppose it was ridiculous to think I could do anything with standard procedure. You can keep your security blanket.”

“I’m not his security--”

“Erwin, please enlighten yourself.”

Levi felt the forearm he was holding go ridged. “Forget it. Ignore him.”

“I’m endeavoring to, Levi, but he’s making it very difficult not to dunk his head in the nearest toilet.”

“I do actually have a degree, Erwin, must you always try to undermine me?”

“I’m not on shift now. I can undermine whatever I please.”

Levi felt a jolt pass under his skin and took another sip of his tea to smooth it over. _That’s right. He’s not my nurse._

“Why do you always get so childish about anything that concerns him?”

“For the same reason I do everything else in my life according to you--for the sole reason of bothering you.”

“Well aren’t we feeling thorny.”

“Call me resentful. I was having a nice conversation before you decided to barge in.”

“Conversation? Is that what you were doing?”

“Don’t.”

“It didn’t look like conversation to me.”

“Nile…”

“So much anger in that voice, but _you’re_ the one who seems to be forgetting his boundaries. Did you forget where you are? This is an addiction center, not a damn love hotel. If that’s what you’re looking for then maybe--”

The rest of his words were shoved back down his throat as Erwin grabbed him by the front of his lab coat and slammed him against the hall wall.

“I swear to god, Nile, one more word and I’m breaking your fucking nose.”

“You’ve done that before.”

“You deserve it just as much now as you did then.”

“And what’ll that solve?”

“Nothing. But I’m so fucking tired I can’t think logically, and I just know it’ll feel damn good.”

“You need to think about what you’re doing.”

“Don’t worry about me.”

“I’m not. I’m worrying about my patients, all of whom are in extremely vulnerable and unstable frames of mind right now.”

“I’m not going to hurt Levi.”

“No?”

“ _No._ ”

“I think you need to get your head back in the right place.”

“And I think this is the end of the conversation.”

“Nice. Avoid the problem. That’s always an effective way to--”

Erwin yanked Nile close, his hands tightly fisted in the man’s clothes, nearly choking him. “There’s no problem. I know exactly what I’m doing. Now shut the fuck up.”

Levi was frozen. He’d never seen this side of Erwin. Erwin’s touch had always been so gentle. The man’s eyes were blazing, his teeth were clenched tightly, and...he was shaking.

_Erwin…_

“Know exactly what you’re doing? Who the fuck are you kidding. You don’t have a damn clue.” Levi was impressed that Nile was continuing to speak with Erwin looking at him like that. That took the kind of balls he hadn’t thought the man had. Looks like he’d underestimated the man.

“Maybe you thought you knew. Maybe you thought you’d try a few unorthodox tricks, shake the germ phobia out of him through unconventional means. Not working out so well for you, is it? Doesn’t feel like a trick anymore.”

“I said...I said…”

“Yes, I know, you want me to shut the fuck up. That would be convenient, right? Then you could continue in your silly little bubble. But I’m sorry, Erwin, I don’t have ulterior motives when it comes to Levi. I’m here to help him heal and become functional. The question becomes what are _you_ trying to do with him?”

Erwin’s hands went slack and dropped from Nile’s front. His face was white. Levi had had enough. He shoved himself between them.

“Leave him alone!”

“This doesn’t concern you, Levi.”

“Like hell it doesn’t!”

“This is a staff matter.”

“Fuck that! You’re so full of shit. Why are you trying to make him feel like crap? He’s helping me. He’s been the first to get me to anything near progress, which is a fat lot more than I can say about the rest of you, or even myself.”

'“Levi—“

 “No! For so long I’ve only been taking steps backward, but now finally _finally_ I see hope for my situation, and you’re trying to destroy the one person that’s giving that to me? Fuck you, Nile. Yeah, it might not be by the books, and yeah maybe it’s not the ideal patient/caretaker relationship, but I like it this way. I _want_ it this way. I’m not stupid, and I’m not the fragile porcelain doll you think I am. I’m choosing to have Erwin’s help. Whatever you’re accusing him of--it doesn’t matter. The fact remains that he’s gotten results none of your other precious rule abiding staff have gotten. So yes, I think you should listen to Erwin and shut the fuck up, because if he doesn’t actually break your nose, then I will.”

Levi’s voice rang through the hall and bounced off the walls causing the guy stocking the closet some feet away to stop and stare. Levi glared at Nile. Nile matched his look evenly with one of cool composure, then he turned to look at Erwin who, if anything, looked even worse after hearing Levi’s speech.

“Go to bed. I can’t talk to you when you’re like this.”

Levi wanted Erwin to protest. He wanted to see something other than that lost look in his eyes. Erwin said nothing.

Nile sighed and ran his hand through his hair again. Levi couldn’t believe this was the same Nile he’d been reunited with several minutes ago. This one conversation looked like it had aged him five years.

Nile looked at Erwin, and there was softness in his expression. “You were right. He’s not quite ready. We’ll reschedule, okay?”

Erwin nodded and didn’t move.

Nile reached out and touched his cheek. “Come talk to me later. I’ll lock my degree in a drawer and listen as a friend. I promise.”

Erwin closed his eyes. Something cracked across his face. Feelings that looked like they hurt. “Okay.”

It wasn’t okay. Levi wanted to shake Erwin out of whatever gripped him. But he couldn’t. His body was sludge, and Nile’s hand was still on Erwin’s face and looking way too damn comfortable there. Levi felt a touch on his shoulder. Nanaba. “Come, Levi,” she said. “Let’s get some food in you.”

The concept of food was ridiculous of course. Levi couldn’t have eaten anything at that moment. Not with Erwin looking like that. But he allowed Nanaba to steer him around and back down the hall, his feet dragging. His eyes refused to leave Erwin though, and so he kept the man in his sights until they turned the corner and the blonde was blotted away.

\---

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> um...about the tatoo. Well, i couldn't help slipping just a little bit of reincarnation into this fic. While obviously not a large part of the fic I couldn't leave it out completely. If you don't like it you don't have to pay attention to it (it isn't significant to the story)   
> Erwin's having a bit of an internal crisis right now as you can probably see, so he'll need all the hugs he can get for you guys. I'll have the next chapter up pretty soon.


	7. Chapter 7

When Erwin cracked the door open Levi didn’t move. He’d already been up for over 2 hours but moving was out of the question. He’d already promised himself that he wasn’t going to do a thing until Erwin touched him

Erwin knocked against the door. “Levi?” he called out softly. “You still sleeping?”

Levi said nothing. He realized he was being childish, but he had a theory to prove to himself. He kept his eyes closed.

“Levi? You going to group circle today?”

He didn’t answer. Erwin stepped into the room. His steps were slow and even. He stopped by the bed. Levi held his breath. _Please. Just one normal touch. I’ll know we’re okay then. I’ll know everything’s all been in my head._

Erwin didn’t touch him. Instead there was a little rustling and a sigh. “I want to let you sleep if that’s what you need, so just let me know if you want to go and then I can leave you alone.”

_If you leave I’ll punch another hole in your dick._

Erwin stood there, hesitant. Levi knew why. He normally woke up the moment Erwin cracked his door open, if not before that.

“Levi?”

_This is getting ridiculous._

Erwin stood still for another several seconds.

_I swear on your eyebrows, Erwin, if you turn away to walk out of here I’ll stuff an entire tub of sanitizer up your ass._

Erwin didn’t move. Levi was going to smack the crap out of him. His tendons were pulled so tight he was afraid they were going to snap. The last seven days he’d tortured himself with the crack of pain that had crossed his face after Nile had spoken to him. For seven days he’d been unable to bring up that conversation, and Erwin hadn’t either. For seven days Erwin had become a different person—still kind, still overwhelmingly generous—but distant, his eyes shut off from Levi like a door slammed in his face. Levi knew he couldn’t really trust his instincts in social situations. The world always liked to remind him that he couldn’t read the tone in a room. But he’d known something had been wrong and it had tortured him. He tried to improve his behavior, but his constant worry made the germ phobia worse, and he felt himself regressing, needing others to do more for him. He tried to hide this from Erwin by employing several others to his aid. Out of necessity he’d decided that Erd could be trusted. The man was smart, perceptive, and had understood somehow without having to be told that something was going on between Levi and Erwin and, in his usual confident and quiet way, regularly asked Levi if he could be of any use to him. Levi had been so grateful, but his embarrassment had been even stronger. He didn’t like help. He hated showing weakness, but the germs were so strong and his shield, Erwin, was acting so strange and distant, he couldn’t help but accept the offers of others. Of course with Hanji it was different, he had never enjoyed hiding from her, and didn’t think to do so now, but still he didn’t like seeing the worry in her face through the panic of everyday activities like eating and bathing. He saw less of Erwin in those seven days, but the time they did spend together was felt with a tight strain that made their interactions, for the first time, exhausting. Every time he’d seen the man he’d wanted to grab his face and scream “What is it? What have I done? Why are you being like this? Tell me! _Tell me!_ but he’d been silent, waiting for the other man to open up to him. But Erwin hadn’t, and Levi had suffered for it.

He heard a small rustle. It took everything in Levi not to crack open his eyes and twist his head around. Several more seconds and then--

A touch.

Erwin’s fingers, so familiar, brushed Levi’s hair off of his face, and the old fire flared across his skin, only it didn’t feel the same. After nearly a week’s absence, the fire burned deeper, flushed hotter, against his skin, so that Levi couldn’t help jumping at the contact. His eyes flew open and his hand clamped down on Erwin’s. “It’s about fucking time, you bastard.”

Erwin’s eyes flew open, and, it must have been his surprise that did it, because his body offered no resistance as Levi gave his arm a sharp tug that sent Erwin tumbling into his bed.

Levi didn’t care about the fact that the blonde was wearing shoes. He didn’t care that Erwin had just gotten off from the night shift and hadn’t had a chance to shower yet. All he cared about was getting his greedy hands on every inch of beautiful Erwin flesh he could manage. Erwin landed on top of him, and Levi had to congratulate himself on his excellent tactical skills. Then he wrapped his hands around him tight enough to cut off the majority of his circulation.

“Levi, what--?”

“Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you.”

He muttered the weird chant as he buried his face in Erwin’s neck, feeling the tightness that had built up in his chest all week finally begin to loosen. Rightness and pleasure flooded into him too fast making a lump rise up in his throat and take up permanent lodging there. He didn’t care. He was too damn relieved to have his hands around the man at last.

“I hate you so much. You horrible--you stupid awful--hate you so much that I--thank you. Thank you thank you thank you I fucking hate you.”

He just hadn’t been able to take it anymore. He couldn’t be blamed for that, could he? Erwin couldn’t be angry for that, right? He was always kind. Levi prayed he would be kind about this assault too.

“Levi. Levi it’s okay.”

Yeah, _now_ it was. Now that Levi finally had his fingers in Erwin’s shirt, and the man’s smell was everywhere and Erwin’s arms had come around to hold him and press Levi’s head to his shoulder. Levi was shaking, but he knew it would stop soon. The relief would let him breathe soon. He just had to hang in there and let Erwin’s presence soothe away all the spears of anxiety lodged in him.

“Don’t do it again. Please don’t. I can’t take it. I’ll do whatever you want. Just don’t, please--”

“Levi. Do what?”

Levi froze. He forced his fingers to unhook themselves from the--now heavily wrinkled--remains of Erwin’s scrub shirt. “You mean…You haven’t been doing it on purpose. You’re not—you’re not angry at me?”

Erwin met Levi’s look of confusion with his own. “First of all, I don’t know what you’re talking about, and second of all why the hell would I be angry at you?”

No. That didn’t make any sense. There had been such a dramatic change in the way they interacted…It couldn’t be all in his head. There was no way.

“For getting you into trouble with Nile. For making you lose out on so much sleep. For needing you too much. Those are the reasons you’re angry at me. It’s the reason you haven’t touched me even once this week.”

It was really incredible how much of Erwin’s eyes you could see when they widened all the way up like that. “Levi you think that by not touching you I was… _punishing_ you?”’

Why was he saying it like that? Was the concept so crazy? He nodded.

Erwin clamped his hands down on Levi’s face causing a flush of pleasure to sweep through him. But Erwin released him too soon, using his hands to drag his fingers down his own face. “Oh my god. I’m such a fucking idiot. Of course. _Of course_ that’s how you’d see it. Hanji warned me. When you first got here she fucking warned me to be careful about the kind of messages I’d inadvertently give off and I didn’t…Look. Listen, Levi. Are you listening?”

Erwin’s eyes shot back to Levi’s face and dug in there with the kind of intensity that had Levi’s stomach flopping all over the place. He nodded again.

“I wouldn’t…I would never _punish_ you, Levi. Even if I was angry at you, which I’m _not_ , I wouldn’t. If I was angry at you I would talk to you about it. I would never just stop talking to you, or touching you, or anything like—“

“But you _did_ stop touching me.”

“Yes, but it wasn’t supposed to be a _punishment_.”

“It _felt_ like a punishment.”

“Yes. _Now_ I know that. But Levi, I didn’t mean it that way, and, to tell you the truth, I didn’t even think you’d notice. I thought I was the only one who would pay any attention to—“

“How could I not notice? Your touch is one of the very few my body doesn’t reject outright. How could I NOT FUCKING NOTICE?”

“You’re right. Of course you’re right. I’m sorry Levi. Please calm down. You’re doing the scary breathing thing again. Take a deep breath.”

Levi glared at him, and smacked his hand against the man’s chest, but he did as he said and took a couple of breaths. Erwin spent the meantime combing his fingers through Levi’s hair, which was both distracting and intensely comforting. Levi let out a grumpy sort of growl and crawled into the man’s lap. It was a bold gesture, but he was just aggravated enough to pull it off. “Tell me why.”

Erwin sighed and continued with his hair combing. He had an even better angle this way. Levi was very pleased with this, but he was going to pretend to still hate Erwin because his pride was at stake. Well, he tried to pretend, but it didn’t last very long. His head sank back against Erwin’s chest and he let out a contented little hum. The blonde chuckled. “You are so damn cute. I have no idea how I lasted this long.”

“I’m not cute. I’m a sexy piece of ass.”

“Whoops. That’s obviously what I meant.”

“It better have been.”

He curled into the pocket of the blonde’s body, and Erwin put his arms around him. “I thought I was doing the right thing.”

“Yeah, well, you weren’t. I almost died.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Not good enough.”

“I know, but I _am_ sorry.”

“Whatever.”

“You’re not going to let me forget this, are you?”

“Not likely.”

“That’s what I was afraid of.”

“Kiss me.”

“What?”

“Kiss me and I’ll forgive you.”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because Nile’s right.”

“I don’t give a fuck about Nile.”

“You should. He does usually know what he’s talking about.”

“He can go fist himself with his diploma.”

“Pretty sure he actually has, in the past. But that’s not the point. He’s right about the emotionally vulnerable and unstable part. I’m not going to take advantage of you.”

“ _I’m_ the one asking you to kiss me.”

“You aren’t making decisions you would make under normal circumstances.”

“Erwin I would still want you to kiss me even if I wasn’t like this.”

“You can’t know that.”

“Well you can’t know that I wouldn’t.”

“We’re getting nowhere here.”

“I know. That’s why you should just shut up and kiss me.”

“Levi—“

Levi kissed him. Or, at least, he tried to. He lunged up to capture Erwin’s lips in his own, but when he was only about an inch away, Erwin’s hands came down like bars and caught his shoulders, stopping him, before he could complete the act. Levi let out a desperate and miserable whine.

“No, Levi. Don’t make this harder than it has to be.”

“I want you.”

He said it. He actually went and said it. He’d be impressed with his courage if he wasn’t so damn out of his mind by his desire for Erwin.

Erwin looked ruffled for a second, but slammed a mask back down on his face the next.

“And I want you to be healthy,” he countered.

“I don’t see a contradiction in terms there, Erwin.”

“Smart ass.”

“ _Horny_ smart ass.”

“Did it ever occur to you that you’re feeling this way because of the withdrawal?”

The strangeness of that question stopped Levi for maybe half a second, but then he was back in the swing of things.

“Of course not.”

“Why not? Though the opposite effect, hypo sexual feeling is more common, hypersexuality still occurs frequently enough in those experiencing withdrawal. It has to do with your body craving dopamine and serotonin. The levels can get messed up because of the withdrawals, so your body searches for them through other means, and since levels will be raised through experiencing orgasm—“

“Trust me, Erwin. That’s not the reason.”

“How can you possibly know that?”

“Because Erd Jinn is hot as _fuck_ , but despite having spent a considerable amount of time with him this week I still have zero urge to fuck him.”

Erwin grinned, and the look was so different than the closed off looks Levi had gotten from him the past week that he couldn’t help grinning back.

“Really? _Zero_ urge? I find that hard to believe.”

Levi’s smile got a little wider “I know, right? He’s so fucking hot. It’s like _Jesus_ , who gave you the right.”

“He’s got a gorgeous dick too.”

“Oh don’t tell me…”

Erwin’s expression was 1000% mischief. “Fine, I won’t tell you then.”

“YOU HAD SEX WITH ERD?”

“Sure, announce it to the world, it’s not like this place has too much gossip going around as is.”

Levi smacked his shoulder, and then for good measure smacked it again. “Shut up! I don’t believe you.”

“Oh, believe it all right. I’m going to be honest here and admit that I was a total slut after Mike died. Slept with everyone. It was during my two year stint as an alcoholic.”

“I have a very strong urge to get alcohol into you now.”

“Believe me. You don’t want that.”

“So when you say everyone, do you also mean…?” He couldn’t even force himself to say it.

“ _NO_. _Not_ Auruo.”

“Oh thank Christ.”

“Please, I was trying to fill the newfound emptiness inside of me, but I wasn’t _that_ desperate.”

“Are you sure he’s only 23? He looks 74.”

“I’m sure. His mom even showed me his birth certificate when I didn’t believe her.”

“The poor guy.”

“If Auruo hears this he’ll kill us.”

“He’s straight. What does he care what a couple of gay shmucks think? Anyway, that’s not important. Get back to Erd. How was it?”

“Incredible. He fucks like a well-oiled machine.”

“WAIT. So you let him top? That’s surprising.”

“Not really. I had my hands full with Gunther.”

“Shut. The fuck. Up. You did _both_ of them at the same time?”

“I told you I was a slut.”

“I don’t fucking believe you.”

“I was using my ‘fiancé just died’ card. It was acceptable.”

“What would Mike say if he came down as a ghostly apparition?”

“He’d high five me for sure and ask if he could watch.”

“Was this before or after Erd and Gunther got together?”

“They started going out immediately following the incident. They’d both been crushing on each other hard, but neither had had the guts to say anything to the other until I came along. At least my depravity was good for something. I got to play the dirty matchmaker. But despite the way it came about, they seem really happy together now.”

“I can’t believe you’re patting yourself on the back for this.”

“Hey I’ve gotta be proud of myself for _something_ ,” Erwin said and ruffled Levi’s hair. Levi started to roll his eyes and stopped. The tight feeling in his chest—it was completely gone.

“ _Fuck_ it’s easy to talk to you,” Levi groaned and let his head thunk back down on Erwin’s chest.

_I really never stood a chance against you._

“I know the whole awful thing this week was my fault,” Erwin said, “But I missed you.”

Levi’s heart was full. He needed to do something about it. He lifted Erwin’s hand and pressed a kiss to the palm. His eyes flicked up to check Erwin’s reaction. He was glad he did. A split second of surprised joy lit Erwin’s eyes even as he pushed a frown on his face. “Levi…”

The disapproval in his voice sounded completely forced, in Levi’s humble opinion. “What?” he asked. “I’d do the same thing to Hanji. It’s completely platonic.”

“How many times do I have to tell you that you’re a horrible liar before you start to believe me?”

Levi lifted Erwin’s arms and wrapped them back around himself. If this was the feeling Nanaba had had with Mike he was very sorry she didn’t have it anymore.

“I just want to point out that it was you who kissed me in the first place,” Levi grumbled. He was pretty sure his heart was just going to explode out of his chest and start singing some gay ass musical number.

“Didn’t really think that one through…”

“Too late to go back. This last week proved it.”

“I really _am_ sorry, Levi. Did I make you miserable?”

“Horribly. I had to get my cuddles from Hanji and her hair doesn’t smell nearly as nice as yours.”

“Why? She doesn’t use eau de antiseptic?”

“Surprisingly, no.”

Erwin clicked his tongue in strictest disapproval. Levi fell for him a little harder. He laid his hand on Erwin’s knee.

“I’m sorry I didn’t make much progress this week.”

“Don’t apologize. You’re working really hard.”

“I didn’t really sleep this week.”

“Me neither.”

“Anxiety?”

“Anxiety.”

Levi tilted his head back until he could look up at Erwin. At this angle he could see up the man’s nostrils, but even _that_ wasn’t a particularly unpleasant sight. Hot people were a real force to be reckoned with.

“You really need sleep, Erwin. It’s not a joke.”

“I know.”

“Everyone’s worried about you.”

“I know.”

“ _I’m_ worried about you.”

Erwin’s eyes did that thing where they went so soft Levi had to bite down on his tongue to keep himself from blubbering like a baby. The blonde leaned down and pressed his lips to Levi’s forehead. “ _I know._ ”

Levi twisted around in Erwin’s lap and wrapped his arms around the man’s neck. He was so happy Erwin wasn’t angry at him. He was so happy he was being held again. He was so happy to be able to touch this man and not feel any fear. Levi was happy, and the feeling was so new he wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do with it except revel in it.

“ _Erwin_.”

“Levi.”

Erwin squeezed him. Levi wanted it to go on forever, but he also wanted to be a good person to Erwin, and that meant not being selfish. He drew back. “You finished work for today, right? And tomorrow’s Wednesday, so you’re off. You should go home and sleep.”

“I know. But I don’t sleep well there. The house is too big when it’s just me.”

That was a weird concept, but Levi could sort of understand what he was talking about.

“What about the staff room?”

“People are always running in and out of it, and when I stay here people find me and beg me to help them with their emergencies.”

“And you never say no.”

“I’m a pushover.”

“And a slut.”

Erwin smiled. Levi hadn’t seen enough of those smiles this week. He sucked in the sight of this one greedily. He stopped himself after 5 seconds though. Staring for longer than that was just creepy. He pushed down on Erwin’s shoulders. “Then sleep here. I’ll leave and it’ll be nice and quiet. No one comes in here if I don’t want them too. I’ll tell Erd and he’ll tell everyone else to stay away.”

“I’m not kicking you out of your own room.”

“You’re not kicking me out. I’m giving it to you.”

“But I—“

“Close your mouth.”

Erwin gave him a look, but did as he was told. Amusement danced in his eyes. He waited.

Levi pushed him down onto the bed. Then he rolled him onto his side, bent his knees, and adjusted the pillow under his head. The whole while Erwin’s eyes followed Levi, full of questions, but Levi didn’t answer them. Instead he crawled into the space Erwin’s body created and pulled the blanket over them both. As the finishing touch he pulled one of Erwin’s arms over himself, and sighed as his body sank into the Erwin-y goodness.

“I take it this means you’re not going to circle group today.”

“I didn’t tell you that you could talk.”

“We shouldn’t be doing this.”

“There’s a lot of things in my life that I shouldn’t have done, but this isn’t one of them. Now go to sleep, Erwin.”

“But—“

“No buts. Well…you can have one butt. Mine. Feel free to harass it as much as you like.”

“You’re impossible.”

“Less protesting, more sleeping.”

“You can’t just _command_ me to go to sleep.”

“Watch me.”

“You’re such a little terror.”

“Oh you haven’t seen anything yet, but keep talking and I might be tempted to show you.”

“ _Such_ an ass.”

Levi was in agreement with him on that one. He smiled and snuggled in a little closer. It was a little too warm like this. Did Erwin feel hotter than usual? Maybe he just wasn’t used to the heat of him after a week without it.

Levi let the quiet settle over him, and a few seconds later her felt Erwin melt against his back.

“Finally,” he snorted.

“Shut up.”

Erwin’s jaw cracked as he yawned wide.

“Tired?”

“Exhausted,” he admitted. “My head feels so heavy. I could barely keep my eyes open the last few hours of my shift.”

“Then sleep.”

“You going to sleep too?”

“Yeah. I couldn’t sleep much last night because I knew I was going to confront you today.”

“Such a brave man.”

“Sometimes I want to permanently remove your use of sarcasm.”

“But then I’d only be a handsome face.”

Levi nudged Erwin with his foot. Erwin nudged him back. There was something perfect about that.

“Good night, Erwin.”

“’night Levi.”

Levi carefully twisted his head around. Erwin’s eyes were already closed. He seized his chance. Quickly, he twisted the rest of the way around and pecked Erwin on the lips. Erwin’s eyes flew open, but by that time Levi’s head was already back on the bed and he’d resumed his little spoon position, as if he _hadn’t_ just stolen a kiss.

“You little bastard!” Erwin said, voice barely holding back his laughter.

“It’s the toll to sleep in my bed. Now that you’ve paid it, you can go to sleep.”

“You didn’t think of maybe warning me of that beforehand?”

“It slipped my mind.”

“Such a fucking liar.”

“I get goosebumps every time you curse. You know that?”

“That’s a pretty interesting phenomenon. Does it work with every curse?”

“I don’t know. But you can try.”

“All right, bastard.”

Levi grinned. “Do it again.”

“Cocksucking asshole.”

Levi shivered. “Again.”

Erwin’s arms tightened around him. He leaned in, and then, in a low wet voice whispered, “You spunk sucking, cum guzzling, spastic anus fucking, asshole leaking, semen spilling, shit puking, cock fondling motherfucking bitch ass bastard fuck stain.”

Levi was immobile, his mouth hanging open, and then he said, “I am so fucking hard right now.”

Erwin laughed, and then, when his hand briefly brushed Levi’s crotch, the briefest of touches, he laughed even harder. “Oh god, you’re not even joking.”

“Why the fuck would I joke about something like this?” Levi demanded. His mind shot into overdrive as every nerve ending—some of which he didn’t even know existed—fired because Erwin motherfucking smith had just touched his dick. The hand was safely on Levi’s stomach now, but that didn’t change the fact that his dick had just been touched, even if it had been through clothing, and even if it had been for less than a quarter of a second. It had happened, and it was fucking marvelous.

“Wait, so you get to touch my dick, but I’m not allowed a kiss?”

“Oh come on, that didn’t count.”

“It counted.”

“Well you already stole a kiss. I’m not giving you another one.”

“Fine. Then let me touch _your_ dick. It’s only fair.”

“Not on your life.”

“So stingy. I bet Erd would let me touch _his_ dick.”

“Why don’t you go and ask him?”

“Shut up. You’re not supposed to call my bluffs!”

“So noisy…”

Levi reached back and pinched Erwin’s arm.

“Ow! What was that for?”

“Everyone else got to have Slutwin, and I’m stuck with Mr. Prude.”

“Levi, do us both a favor and just go to sleep.”

“Shut up, that’s _my_ line.”

“Then let’s _both_ go to sleep.”

“Fine,” Levi muttered.

“Fine.” Erwin mirrored. Levi could tell by the sound of his voice that he was smiling.

Levi let his mind relax and allowed Erwin’s weight to fill him.

_Sleep, beautiful one_ , he thought, allowing his mind the sappy thought—he limited it to just one, though. Then it would stay strictly business. He felt Erwin relax as well, and as the minutes passed the man’s breathing grew deeper. He wanted to keep talking to Erwin. He’d never wanted to talk this much before. But with Erwin the words just poured out and he didn’t know where even half of them came from.

_Later,_ he promised him. _When he’s rested. Be patient._

But it was so hard to be patient. There were so many things about Erwin he still wanted to know. What was his favorite season? Had he ever owned a pet? Who was his favorite person? Was he afraid of anything? What was the strangest thing he had ever done? What was the worst thing he’d ever done? Did he sing in the shower? Did he like the ocean? What countries had he visited? Did he have any brothers or sisters? So many questions swam in his head and so few answers accompanied them.

_I’ll ask them all when he wakes up,_ Levi thought, because he knew that Erwin was sleeping. It was in the way he was breathing, even though his arms were still tight around him. He let himself stay there for a few minutes allowing Erwin to sink into a deeper sleep. (Also, he needed a little more of Erwin’s arms. He wasn’t going to lie to himself and say that wasn’t part of the reason.) But eventually he did force himself to get up. He slid from Erwin’s arms with the kind of consideration he usually reserved only for Hanji and Petra, and quietly pulled on a pair of hospital socks. He looked at Erwin’s face, and his hand reached out--

_Leave him alone. He needs sleep so desperately._

Levi let his hand drop to his side. He smiled. “Thank you,” he whispered. “I like who I am when I’m around you.”

Then he stood up and carefully crossed the room. He held his breath as he opened the door. It creaked slightly, but Erwin was fast asleep.

“Keep it warm for me, I’ll be back soon,” Levi whispered. Erwin’s eyelashes were beautiful against his cheeks. It was hard to walk away, really hard, but he was stronger now. He let the door click closed behind him and padded down the hallway. Erd was beside the meds cabinet shaking pills into little cups. Levi tugged on his sleeve. The man’s face lit up when he saw who it was.

“Levi! I thought I saw Erwin walking toward your room. I’m guessing by that smug little smile that you got everything to work out in your favor?”

“I stole a kiss and he touched my dick.”

Erd dropped the little cup he was holding. Thankfully it was empty.

Levi crossed his arms over his chest. He was extraordinarily proud of himself. “What? You thought you were the only one who gets to fuck the man?”

He let the full meaning of that sentence settle on the man. He wasn’t disappointed by the result. Erd slapped his own face.

“I’m going to kill that bastard.”

“Whoops. Was that a secret? My bad.”

“You are the shittiest person I know, and I’ve met Erwin’s mother.”

“Is she that bad?”

“She’s really…interesting.”

“I’ll file that away for future reference. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that if anyone goes into my room in the next 12 hours they’ll be instantly slaughtered by me with great enthusiasm. I’d appreciate if you could spread that message around.”

“Um. Okay. You hiding a dead body in there or something?”

“I guess you could say that. I’ve got a gross old man sleeping in my bed.”

“You finally got him to sleep?”

“Damn right I did.”

“I’m impressed.”

“Yeah, well, I’m an impressive guy.”

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you in this good of a mood. Careful, or you’ll ruin your reputation.”

“I don’t have time to worry about that now, I’ve got to get to circle group. Gunther leading today?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m going to ask him what Erwin’s dick felt like inside of him. I want to know for personal reasons.”

“Please at least wait until after circle time is finished.”

“No promises,” Levi said for the second time that day. Erd groaned. Levi had a feeling it was going to be a good day.

\--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> little bit of a time jump in this chapter. Hope that didn't throw anyone too much. In this chapter we have the unveiling of shameless slut Erwin (which gives me life) as well as more of Erd who I can't help but be helplessly in love with even if it's my first time writing him (why do I always fall for the dead hot ones?)  
> Next chapter might be one of the longer ones again (the past couple have been surprisingly restrained in length) and it'll have more of the other characters (what? an Ackerman feelings party????) Hope you guys enjoy this chapter (stock up on the fluff while it lasts)  
> As always I love you guys to death. Thanks for all the feedback.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did it! After many frustrated notes from readers and my own anxiety about keeping you guys waiting I've done it! Fucking finally.

Chapter 8:

“No, if you do it that way you’ll hurt your back,” Levi said lifting Reiner’s hand off the bar and adjusting it several inches over.

“Really? That’s how I was taught to do it,” Reiner said.

Levi felt a strand of hair fall into his face, but he didn’t dare lift a hand to brush it out of his face. His hands, though gloved, and therefore moderately protected, could not be used to touch his own body while all the gym’s germs covered him. When Reiner had approached him after circle group to invite him to the gym with him, Levi’s instinctive reaction was to refuse. But then he’d remembered Erwin sleeping in his bed, and how excited he would be if the first thing he heard when he woke up was about Levi interacting with the other patients—and he’d decided, bravely, to say yes. And he was finding, to both his surprise and relief, that it wasn’t as bad as he’d thought it would be. The patients here were far more sensitive, as a whole, to his unique issues than the world at large was, and Reiner had made sure to ask Levi just what was allowed, and what would make him uncomfortable, before they’d started.

“Was your teacher licensed?” Levi grunted. He bent Reiner’s legs at the knee a bit more.

“Oh it wasn’t a teacher. It was a friend.”

“Well there you go. The blind leading the blind. Now keep your shoulders straight or you’ll work the wrong muscle groups.”

“So demanding…” Reiner grunted as he lifted the bar. Levi’s eyes tracked the movement carefully, body tensing to spot the man any second if the bar slipped. It didn’t. Reiner did several repetitions and then set the bar back into the stand. He collapsed onto his back. He was breathing hard, but there was a content smile on his face. “Shit…haven’t lifted that much in a while.”

“You shouldn’t if I’m not around. You could hurt yourself.”

“How do you know this much about weight lifting anyway?”

“It’s my work to know. My company represents up and coming sports stars, and a lot of muscle training is involved there.”

“You have to know this much if you’re just representing them?”

Levi hesitated, but in keeping with his newfound attitude in not giving a shit he decided to answer truthfully. “I have some personal experience in…mixed martial arts so—“

Reiner stopped and his eyes became about 14 times more intense—sort of the way he looked when he was talking about Bertholdt. It was weird to be the object of scrutiny though. Reiner launched himself into a sitting position and Levi took an instinctive step backward. “What is—“

Reiner grabbed Levi’s hand. It was gloved, so it was okay, and Reiner knew it, but still, the sudden motion made his heart jump up a couple of beats.

“Are you…don’t tell me that _you’re_ Ackerslay.”

Levi stopped moving. Now _there_ was a title he hadn’t heard in a while. It took all of two seconds for his face to go red. This was entirely due to the horrible name his agent had dumped on him without his consent almost ten years ago.

“Please don’t say that so loud.”

“Oh my god! You are! I don’t believe this!”

“Seriously Reiner. Shut the hell up before I gag you with your own sweaty shirt.”

“I guess I thought you’d be taller in person.”

“That’s what everyone says.”

“Wow—I—damn. My friends aren’t going to believe me.”

“That’s because you’re not going to tell them.”

“Oh come on. This is the coolest thing to happen to me since meeting Bertholdt.”

“You must not live a very exciting life.”

“Dude. You’re a fucking _legend_.”

“Not anymore, I’m not. And I plan to keep it that way.”

“Oh come on, at least give me an autograph.”

“Never gonna happen.”

“You need to work on your fan-based interactions.”

“Seriously Reiner you need to end this topic or I will forcibly blast it out of your anus.”

“I can’t! How am I supposed to shut up about this? I used to watch the livestreams of the tournaments you were in. I didn’t even think you were human! This is…this is…”

But exactly what Reiner thought it was Levi would never know, because as Reiner’s brain desperately tried to provide him with the proper word, a hand with the grip of a steel manacle came down on his  wrist and wrapped tightly around it. Levi’s eyes jerked upward and widened when he saw who it was. Mikasa Ackerman.

“Spar with me.”

Levi stared at her. He’d seen her when he first came in. She’d been over at the other end of the gym with the free weights during strength exercises. He hadn’t stopped to talk to her because she’d been exuding an air of total unapproachability. He knew people like that who didn’t like being interrupted when they were working, and he respected that (he tended to be one of those types himself.) So the last thing he’d expected was to be approached by her.

“What?” he asked out of surprise (not because he hadn’t heard her).

“Spar with me,” she repeated with the exact same intonation.

He remained just as confused. “Why?”

“When I was eight I saw one of your videos. I wanted to be that strong. Teach me. Spar with me.”

Levi took in the way her eyes burned with a single focus. He knew that look. He’d seen it reflected in the mirror often before his matches. “When you were eight I was a different person. I was at my prime. I’m not like that anymore.”

“Spar with me.”

“Did you hear what I just said? I said I’m not that person anymore. That Levi isn’t me. I haven’t participated in a match in seven years now.”

“I don’t care. Spar with me.”

Anyone who knew Levi decently well knew he was clenching his teeth at this point. He’d never been known for his patience, and this particular brand of mule headed stubbornness especially grated against his nerves.

“Look you little brat—“

“Please…uncle.”

The rest of Levi’s words fell out of his open mouth and hit the floor, forgotten. He could feel his eyeballs bulging unattractively.

“Ackerslay was the only other Ackerman I knew. It never occurred to me that we might be related, of course, because I don’t have blood relatives. But the name connected with me. It made me watch the video. It made me want to see you fight for real. I began to save up that summer I saw that first video. I was going to see you live at the winter tournament. I knew you would be there. There was no way you wouldn’t make it with your talent. I bought two tickets. One for me, and one for Eren. It took me almost six months to save up at that age, but I did it. I was so excited. I bought bus tickets for us both, and we almost got lost, but we made it to the tournament right before the opening fight. Eren was smiling so wide. He’d loved you the second I showed him that first video. But then when we sat down in our seats,  I opened the tournament program. Your name wasn’t on it. I thought it was a mistake, a typo, but you weren’t there. It wasn’t a typo. You never came. You never showed up at a tournament again. I checked.”

All throughout her story Levi had known what the punchline would be, but even so, when she finished those last words while looking straight into his eyes he felt a sickness like sewer sludge slosh around in his insides making him want to puke.

“Mikasa…”

He thought she’d never seen him. He thought he’d had no impact on her life. But even though he’d never sought out a meeting with her. Even though he’d tried to keep from intruding as much as he could, he’d still managed—of course he had—to disappoint her. It was sick, and foul, and made him want to scratch his skin from his bones, but he couldn’t say he was particularly surprised. It would always be this way with him

“Mikasa, I…”

She shook her head. “No. Don’t explain yourself. It doesn’t matter. I don’t care what the reason is.”

An awful clawing thing dug into the inside of his head, scraping at the lining of his skull. That was it. Without even knowing it he’d managed to ruin his chances with the only living family member he wanted anything to do with. He’d spent all week since meeting her trying to think of the perfect way to approach her. The perfect thing to say. He might as well not have bothered. It would have always ended this way. He didn’t know why he’d ever thought otherwise.

She wasn’t looking at him. He wanted her eyes back, even if they were judging him, he wanted to see her eyes, to try and tell her with his own how he was sorry. But she didn’t look at him. She was too busy digging inside of her sports bra.

Bras had never been very comprehensible things to Levi. Sure, he understood the concept of needing support, but there were so many different kinds, and boobs were such foreign creatures to him that he tended to stay away from thinking about them altogether, and that’s why he wanted to tell Mikasa to forget about the bra and listen to the apology he was trying to work up the courage for, but he couldn’t, because he had no idea how to go about saying that without sounding like a total dickwad. But it didn’t matter because the next second Mikasa looked up. She’d pulled something out of her bra. Something wrapped in a little plastic bag. She held it out to him, and it never even occurred to Levi not to take it even though it was covered in boob sweat.

It was a small piece of paper. It had the lines of something that had been crumpled but then smoothed out again very many times. One of the edges of it were torn but he could still recognize it for what it was. It was a ticket. It was seven years old. And it had the date of the winter tournament on it—the one he’d never attended.

Mikasa met his eyes and then folded his gloved fingers over the ticket. “I bought that ticket for forty seven dollars. You owe me a live show. Now spar with me.”

She hadn’t handed him a ticket. She’d handed him a chance. People didn’t give him many of those so he’d learned to recognize them for what they were. In a fuzzy kind of daze he transferred the ticket to his other hand and then, with his dominant hand, grasped Mikasa’s fingers tightly in his own. He took feel the warmth of them through the thin latex. “I’ll have to warm up first.”

She must not have expected those words because a smile—a faint one—carved into her lips with a stunned kind of hesitancy. “Don’t take too long.”

Levi looked at that smile and for the first time saw the girl behind the photograph. She was beautiful, he realized. The kind of beautiful that Hanji was. And he wanted to see more of it. That’s why he squeezed her fingers and said, “Better bring Eren. I owe him a live show too.”

The smile she gave him then wasn’t surprised. It blossomed slowly, but it didn’t stop until it reached her eyes.

\--

After dropping his hospital socks to the floor, Levi tucked his feet beneath himself and leaned over Hanji’s shoulder where her skype call to Petra was taking place.

“Ah, my favorite grump. I heard you had a busy day today. Something about teaching a martial arts class?” Petra asked with a not so hidden smile.

Levi growled and dropped his head onto Hanji’s shoulder. “I wasn’t teaching. I was just showing Eren some moves and suddenly I had a whole horde of pheromone riddled teens all over me. It was awful.”

Levi felt the couch depress as a new butt settled down beside him. “Don’t listen to him. He loved every second of it,” Nanaba said.

“Did not.”

“So I suppose you were smiling out of anguish then?”

Petra laughed. It was safe for her to do so since she was miles away. Hanji, being right there, didn’t share that privilege. Nanaba got smacked for her remark, of course.

“Naba!” Petra exclaimed and waved at her screen. “How are you? We never see you anymore.”

Nanaba leaned in, and her shoulder brushed Levi’s. He chose not to make a stink about it, but let it rest there. “It’s not my fault that after you got married you decided to become a couple of boring old toads. Do you ever even leave the house other than for work?”

“Nope. Haven’t seen natural sunlight in years. I use one of those extra-long grabby things to get the mail out of the mailbox every morning—something that takes quite a lot of skill.”

“Haha. Seriously. When are we all going to get together? We talk and talk about it but I don’t think we’ve all actually ever been in a room altogether, and some of the staff you haven’t even met yet.”

“I know, I know, it’s terrible. We have to do it. We should have a get together of some sort, invite everyone over…Oh! I know! How about when you get out of there, Levi? We’ll throw a huge party to celebrate.”

Oh no.

“No way in hell,” Levi growled, taking up all the screen’s space as he leaned forward.

“Oh come on. It’ll be awesome. I’m already so excited.”

“Do what you want, but don’t expect me to be there.”

“But you’re the guest of honor!”

“I’ll be hiding under my bed waiting for it all to be over. Don’t even bother to drag me there. I’ll install new locks on my doors.”

“Suuuch a drama queen. Hanj, why don’t you try to persuade him otherwise?”

Petra tossed a wink at the screen but Levi was having none of it. “Don’t bother. There’s nothing you could say to me that would convince me to—“

“Erwin’s going to be there.”

The sound that left Levi’s throat was a mix between a wheeze and a dying chicken. It wasn’t his proudest moment, but he recovered quickly. “You don’t know that. You haven’t even invited him yet.”

“I swear on my left ass cheek that’s he’s going to come,” Hanji said.

“Bringing your ass into the matter won’t make it sound any more convincing!”

“Weird. That usually works when I argue with Petra.”

“The fuck is with you weird ass lesbians?” Levi groaned and whipped another pair of hospital socks out of his pocket. It was rumored that Levi kept an endless supply of them on his person at all times. The rumors were right. He angrily stuffed his feet into them.

“Aw, don’t go, I just got here,” Nanaba whined.

Too late. Everyone was already looking at him with those mischievous knowing looks he never knew how to handle. It wasn’t _his_ fault that he had stupid reactions whenever the blonde’s name was mentioned.

Nanaba tugged on Levi’s sleeve. “Stay.”

Levi hesitated, but then he caught something happening on Hanji’s iPad screen. It was Petra doing a little dorky dance, and she was singing. “Levi and Erwin sitting in a tree. K-i-s-s-i—“

“That’s it!”

Levi jerked his arm out of Nanaba’s grip and stalked out of the Rec room while Hanji’s barking laugh followed him.

“Noooo!” he heard Petra wail. “I haven’t finished embarrassing you yet!”

Levi ground his teeth together and kept walking until he’d gotten out of hearing range. Oh sure. Make fun of the lovestruck mental patient. It was just soooo hilarious. He stormed down the hallway looking psychopathic. Whatever. It didn’t matter. He was going to see Erwin now. He’d forced himself to stay away for almost 13 hours, and he was so proud of himself for that. So many times throughout the day he’d been tempted to duck back into the room to check on the man, but he’d held his ground and forced distractions onto himself. First he’d gone to circle group, then he’d played several rounds of cards with Ymir who cheated like a douchenut. He went out to sit next to the pond but could only last for a few minutes even though he was with Hanji and he should have been okay. For lunch he went down to his little reserved place in the kitchen and scrubbed the hell out of his little stove, which was therapeutic, but the process could only be stretched out for so long. After that he’d gone to help Reiner in the gym and met up with Mikasa and Eren, which ended up taking the whole afternoon and when he’d come back up it had been dinner time. He’d been desperate for a shower at that point, but since his carefully kept one was in his room where Erwin was sleeping he’d spent several hours scrubbing down one of the ones in the staff room. Erd had offered to help him, but Levi had declined, knowing he’d be more comfortable with his own results. But now it was late, and he was scrubbed clean and aching to feel Erwin’s safety again. He wouldn’t bother the man, he’d already promised himself that, but he didn’t need much. Just seeing the man’s face would be enough. And maybe a small touch. Just a little one. Nothing fancy, even just his arm would be fine. But god a hug would be nice. He would kill several small whiny brats for a hug. Ugh. Just thinking of Erwin’s arms was giving him those stupid goosebumps again. But no. He didn’t need that. Not if Erwin didn’t want to give it. But, you know, if he just _happened_ to _offer_ , well, Levi wasn’t going to hurt the man’s feelings by turning him down. If he was feeling charitable he might even allow Erwin to pull him into the bed again. Maybe there would be some accidental dick touching. That could be fun.

_Get your mind out of the fucking gutter_ , he berated himself, taking in a deep breath. He’d reached his door. He pretended the slight increase of his heart rate was due to the walk down the hall. He made sure the smile was off his face (there was no need to be obvious, after all) and then carefully pushed the door open, making sure to make as little noise as possible.

Erwin was still asleep. The only light coming into the room trickled in through the open door, but Levi could tell right away. Erwin hadn’t moved. His arm was draped across his stomach as it had been when Levi had crawled out.

_Does that mean that if I stayed I would have been held for 13 fucking hours?_

The thought was enough to make him swoon and he cursed his conscience for making himself get out of bed in the first place. He itched to climb right back into the bed and make up for lost time, but he was also feeling kind of alarmed. Had the man who hated sleep really just slept for 13 straight hours? He propped the door open so that the light stayed and padded over to Erwin. The man’s breathing seemed kind of fast and shallow for someone in such a deep sleep. Levi’s anxiety ramped up.

_He should have at least gotten up to take a piss or something after all that time, right?_

Something else was wrong. The man’s face was twisted tight. Pain. Levi’s breath stopped when he saw it. His hand came forward to brush the blonde’s hair out of his face, and that’s when he realized just how much he’d fucked up.

Erwin’s skin was on fire. There was no mistaking it now, and he shouldn’t have mistaken it before. Erwin had a fever, a terrible one. Levi was pretty sure he himself had never had a fever that high before, and so of course his mind jumped to the worst place. Panic like a ripping scythe sliced through him in a broad arc making most of his torso useless. His body was immobile.

Fever meant sickness. Sickness meant germs. Lots of them. Uncountable numbers of them. Erwin, his shield, the most he relied on to keep the germs away was infected. Diseased. Erwin was now a pit of germs. But his hands didn’t move. How could they, when his eyes were glued to that pain and his heart had twisted into a screw that stabbed at him from the inside?

Erwin was supposed to have been safe from him. Erwin was supposed to have been strong enough to handle the poison of Levi’s touch. But now Erwin was there in Levi’s bed, sick, and Levi had put him there.

“No…”

The word had no sound. Quiet. Useless. He needed to be louder. He needed help. He needed to fix this, but he didn’t know how. He needed someone capable. Someone who was used to fixing his disasters. He gathered all the remaining breath in his lungs and shouted a single name.

“HANJI!”

Panic was everything now as was the fire of Erwin’s skin. So hot. He should have known when he first left him that Erwin was too hot. Why had he left him there? Why had he been so stupid? Why had he told Erd to stay away? Erd would have known a fever. Erd would have been smart enough to catch it early. Erd wouldn’t have been this fucking useless. Erd was who Erwin should have went to, not Levi. Erwin should have gone to anyone but him because he was fucking useless and Erwin was infected and it was all Levi’s fault and he should just be stubbed out like a cigarette because he brought nothing to the world nothing and—

“GOD FUCKING DAMNIT HANJI PLEASE I FUCKED UP I FUCKED UP FIX IT I FUCKED THE FUCK UP!”

“Levi. Levi. What—I’m here, I’m here, shit…”

Erwin’s burning hands were on Levi, but instead of giving him support, Erwin collapsed against him. “Shit, everything’s spinning. I—“ Erwin froze. “Oh fuck.”

Levi had gone silent and could only watch Erwin’s eyes widen. The man was awake, that was good, but the panic on his face wasn’t. Levi was already panicked enough for the both of them, he needed Erwin to be the calm one, but that wasn’t happening. Erwin shoved against him, forcing Levi to stumble back. “Sick. Fucking sick. Shit. Stay back Levi. I—god I’m so sorry. Shit. I’ve infected you for sure.”

The lights blazed on and Erd spilled into the room. “Levi! What’s going on. I heard—“

Hanji barged in past him, sharp eyes ablaze. They went straight to Levi, who met them with too much panic for relief. “He…I…”

Hanji was there in a second. She pressed her hand to Erwin’s flushed face and hissed, but Erwin was already speaking. “He’s got no fucking immune system. He can’t have. Never lets a single germ touch him but then I went and…I’m so sorry. Levi I didn’t mean to. Please. Get him tested for everything. Do it now. Get some antibiotics into his system before—“

“WHAT THE FUCK DID I TELL YOU BASTARD?” Nanaba roared as she barged into the room and shoved herself into the fray. She grabbed Erwin by the shoulder and pressed hands to both his cheeks and neck. “You miserable asshat. I told you. _I told you_ you needed to sleep. I called you. I begged you. I reminded you of what happened last time. I said to watch for the fucking dark circles. I told you to take care of yourself, damn it. Why do you suck so much at it?”

Levi still had a tight grip on Erwin’s hand, even the man’s shove hadn’t been enough to break it, and now Erwin noticed it and attempted to peel his fingers away. “What are you doing? Germs, Levi. I’m covered in them. Let go.”

As if he needed a reminder. He could see the germs all over the beautiful man, trying to get deeper into him. Trying to infect him further. It made him furious. He hated himself so damn much. He let go. Erwin’s face took on a bit of relief, but not for long. It faded the second Levi’s hands began to tug at his shirt.

“Levi, what—“

“Do a culture or blood test or whatever the hell you have to do to see how to make him better,” Levi snapped at Hanji. “And then I’m giving him a bath.”

“You’re _what_?” all four other voices in the room chorused.

“He’s hot. He has germs. And I know that when I’m sick I always feel gross. He’s getting a bath.”

Erwin swatted his hands away. The gesture was so weak that it sent a thrill of fear spiking up Levi’s chest. “Hell no. Hanji get him away from me.”

“Don’t make me knock you the fuck out, Erwin,” Levi growled. “I’ve done it before to shitty glasses to get her to bathe and I’m not above doing it to you either, sick or not.”

“Levi! Stop it!”

“No! Now cooperate!”

Erwin shivered. His whole body was covered in goosebumps. But these were sick goosebumps. Levi’s chest was cracking.

“If you die on me I’ll fucking hate you forever.”

“Who said anything about dying?”

“That’s what people do. They get sick and then they die!”

“Where the hell did that kind of logic even come from?”

Hanji pulled Levi back before he could throw himself on the man. “Stop it, Levi. This isn’t like with Isabel. He’s going to be okay. Now let me work.”

“Swear it.”

“I swear it, Levi. Now let me help him. That’s what you called me for, right? Or do you like shredding your vocal chords just for kicks?”

Levi bit his lip but took a step back.

“Open up for me, Erwin,” Hanji said as she pulled on a pair of gloves.

Levi retreated to the bathroom and grabbed his can of Lysol. He’d scrubbed down the entire bathroom right before he’d gone to sleep, but even though it hadn’t been used since then he couldn’t take any chances. He pulled on a pair of gloves and began to scrub. About two minutes into his wipedown Hanji popped her head in. “He has a fever of 104 and it looks like bronchitis. He hasn’t started to cough yet but his chest sounds rumbly. I’m going to run his culture down in the lab. I’ll be back soon. Erd’s here though. He won’t let anything bad happen. Shit.” She stepped into the bathroom. “Don’t cry Levi, I swear it’s not anything that serious. He’ll be okay—“

“I’m not crying now get your fucking germs out of here.”

“Levi—“

“Out! Hurry up with his culture. Get his meds!”

“I know what the fuck I’m doing, Levi. I don’t appreciate--”

“ _Please_.”

His hands were shaking, and though he’d been serious about not crying, it was only barely. He knew his eyes were wet.

Hanji sighed. “Yes. All right. I’m going. I’ll be back as soon as I can.” She fled the room.

Levi clutched his stomach. He didn’t have time for this of course. Not for a meltdown. He needed to help Erwin. He quickly finished with the tub, putting enough force into his swipes to make his muscles scream with protest, and then, after turning the water on, got up and hurried back into the other room. Erd was sitting on the bed, propping Erwin up as he helped him drink some water.

Germs. Everyone was putting germs on his Erwin. None of them understood.

Levi spun open his tub of sanitizer. “I’ll do that,” he growled, slapping some onto his palms.

“I wasn’t kidding, Levi,” Erwin warned. “Don’t take a step closer. I don’t want you having another attack.”

“I’m not going to have one.”

“You can’t know that.”

“Let me take care of you.”

“I don’t need you getting sick.”

“Let me!”

“You’re not even wearing gloves.”

Levi snarled and ripped open a pack of sterile gloves. “I’ll be fucking careful, okay? Now let me help you or the stupid guilt is going to erode every inch of flesh from my tiny stupid skeleton.”

Erwin stared at him for a second, and then laughed. It sounded barky and quickly turned to a cough. Erwin raised his arm to his face to screen the germs, but they were already everywhere. Levi snapped the gloves in place and shoved at Erd, but the man didn’t move.

“Levi,” he said. “You’re shaking.”

“It’s because I’m angry! Your germs are going to make him sicker.”

“Levi. Take a deep breath. Nothing is going to happen to him. He’s going to get better.”

“He will if you get the hell away from him and let me handle this.”

“Levi.”

“Stop wearing out my name, damn it!”

Erd sighed and stood up. “I guess there’s no reasoning with you now. If you need me I’ll be by the medicine cart.” He moved toward the door.

“Wait!” Erwin called out. “You’re not seriously going to let him—“

“He’s going to hyperventilate if he lets anyone else care for you. It’s a control thing. You being sick has thrown everything out of balance, and, since he thinks it’s his fault he has to be the one to clean up the mess or all the old trauma will come rushing back. Taking care of you right now is as much for him as it is for you.”

Levi’s mouth went slack, but his surprise turned to fury in less than a second with the realization that Hanji must have told him everything.

“Trauma?” For a second Erwin sounded completely like himself. His voice was crisp and commanding without a trace of sickness. “What trauma?”

“Get out!” Levi shouted. His eyes burned holes in Erd’s face. The man sighed and addressed Erwin. “Levi obviously isn’t very fond of me talking about him as if he isn’t here. If you want the story you’ll have to get it from him.”

And then, finally, blessedly, he left. Levi felt himself sag and caught himself on the bed.

“Levi…”

“Don’t ask. I don’t have the time or patience to answer now, Erwin.”

“If something is bothering you—“

“I know what you’re going to say and the answer is the best way to help me right now is to cooperate.”

“I’m not letting you touch me.”

“And I’m not dealing with your bullshit. Things like bronchitis have a three week incubation period. That means you’ve been giving me your germs since I got here, so if I’m going to get sick I’m already infected. Can we dispense with the bullshit stupidity now?”

“Is there a difference between bullshit and bullshit stupidity?”

Levi knew what Erwin was trying to do because he’d done it before. He was trying to distract Levi from his stress by way of being an annoying cretin. Levi suppressed his urge for panicked laughter.

“Of course. Bullshit is what comes out of everyone else’s mouths. Bullshit stupidity comes specifically from yours.”

“So I’m unique, then.”

“You’re an asshole. Now give me your arm.”

“I’m giving you nothing.”

“ _Fine_.”

Levi grabbed Erwin’s arm and tugged it over his shoulders. The resistance was feeble. Levi bit his lip. Erwin was even sicker than he’d thought.

“Levi…”

“Just fucking stop it already. I’m making a rule. You’re not allowed to object to my care. End of story.”

“What! You can’t just make rules like that!”

Erwin spoke a little too loudly and broke into a coughing fit. Levi used that to prove his point and lifted them both off the bed.

“Shit,” Levi grunted. “You weight a veritable fuckton.” He shifted Erwin’s weight until he was steady and wrapped his arm around Erwin’s middle. He could feel the too-hot heat of him through his scrub shirt. His throat grew tight.

“How much is a fuckton? Is it a metric unit?”

“You’re supposed to be less of an asshole when you’re sick.”

“Says who?”

“Says the universe.”

Levi pressed Erwin tightly to his side as he began to walk forward. Erwin was quickly revealed to have lost his sense of balance entirely. Levi felt the muscles in his arms protest as he kept Erwin from keeling over to the side.

“Hold on to me, dammit, or we’re both going to die,” Levi growled.

“It’s not my fault the floor is tilting up trying to smack me in the face. Also I think my feet were replaced with toilet plungers. They feel kind of…off.”

“You were always kind of off,” Levi reassured him.

They reached the bathroom and Levi helped in in and eased him onto the closed toilet. He experienced a weird sense of reverse Déjà vu.

“Just please don’t tell me you’re going to need help pooping,” Levi prayed.

“That would be hilarious.”

“You’re not a very good judge of humor right now.”

“You should wear a nurse outfit if you’re going to nurse me back to health.”

“Apparently you’re not a very good judge of _anything_ right now.”

Levi pressed his hands to Erwin’s neck and cheek. The heat burned right through him, planting fear everywhere it touched. He remembered heat like this.

“Erwin. I’m very angry at you.”

“Join the club. Everyone’s ready to stone me.”

“You deserve it.”

“I’ll get better though. Give me two days.”

“I’m not giving you anything except a bath.”

Erwin closed his eyes and leaned his head against Levi’s chest. “How bout a nap instead?”

“Bath first.” Levi pushed on Erwin’s shoulders and gently extricated himself. When he was free and sure Erwin wouldn’t fall over he stepped over to the bathtub, turned on the hot water and put in the plug. But then was the impossible part. He came back to Erwin and stared at him. Erwin was wearing clothes that had to come off. Levi tried to think of the most calming things possible but began to hyperventilate anyway. Erwin picked up the change in breathing and cracked his eyes open. “Levi?”

Levi grit his teeth and reached for Erwin’s shirt. The man was sick. It was different. It would be fine. Levi felt a spike of anxiety as Erwin said nothing and clumsily raised his arms. If Erwin wasn’t trying to be perverted then he was worse off than Levi had thought.

“Here…Stand up and hold onto me,” Levi instructed, helping Erwin up. The man let out a muffled groan but did as he was told. Once he was standing Levi moved quickly and pulled down the man’s pants along with his underwear. Erwin was swaying in place and looked far too pale for Levi’s comfort. Levi took hold of the man’s hands and helped him step out of them. Erwin clutched Levi’s shoulder.

“Feel dizzy…” he muttered. “Need to sit…”

Levi’s forehead cracked with worry. “Put all your weight on me. It’s just a few steps to the tub. The water will feel nice, I promise.”

Erwin shivered and let his head fall to Levi’s shoulder—a feet he accomplished by slumping over him. He made no effort to move so Levi had to drag him. Over 200 pounds of dead weight made Levi grateful for all the strength training he’d done over the years. When they were at the tub’s edge Levi coaxed Erwin into the tub. He had to step in with Erwin in order to get the man safely inside, and when he did, Erwin pulled him down with him. Levi said nothing. This was mainly because Erwin hadn’t done it on purpose, which was definitely a first.

“Cold,” Erwin muttered and nuzzled into Levi’s neck.

Levi put his arms around Erwin. There was nothing cold about the water they were in. Swirls of steam rose off its surface. It was the fever talking. Sweat coated the man. The short journey from the bed to the bathtub had exhausted Erwin to the point of reducing him to monosyllabic words.

Erwin made a small content sound as Levi leaned back with him. He ducked his head into Levi’s neck and slid down until he was almost completely submerged. Levi put his hand on the man’s head and carded his fingers through Erwin’s hair.

“I don’t like this, Erwin,” he whispered.

Erwin snuggled in closer. “Why? S’nice.”

“Sickness is scary.”

“I won’t let them hurt you.”

“What?”

“The germs. I’ll keep you safe.”

“You can’t even keep yourself safe.”

Erwin muttered something that Levi couldn’t really hear, but it sounded awfully like “Don’t nag.” Levi snorted and reached for the shampoo. It was while he was massaging some into Erwin’s beautiful hair that the man spoke again.

“Who else?”

“Erwin I can’t read your mind. You’re going to have to ask coherent sentences if you want answers.”

“Who else got sick?”

Levi scowled. “Don’t start that again. I already said I don’t have patience.”

Erwin let out the kind of tragic noise usually reserved for the death of the beloved family pet. Levi rolled his eyes.

“It was my friend. Sister, really. I met her the year I ran away from home. Her and Farlan. They became my family, gave me everything anyone could ever ask for. And I killed them both. Happy?”

“You wouldn’t hurt a fly.”

“Don’t argue with me when you don’t know the story.”

“Tell me.”

“No.”

“When you’re ready.”

“Erwin.”

“I want to listen. I want to know you.”

“You know too much already. It’s embarrassing.”

Levi began to rinse out the shampoo and when he was finished he reached for the body soap. _Just don’t think about it_ he coached himself as he began to scrub at Erwin’s overheated body. _Think of it as scrubbing anything else_.

If Erwin could sense the struggle Levi was going through he didn’t let on.

“Levi?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m sorry.”

“Your apology isn’t going to magically bring your temperature down, asshole.”

“Not about that. About before.”

“What are you talking about? I told you already, full sentences.”

But it seemed Erwin was done talking because he didn’t say another word for a long time. So long that Levi picked over to make sure the man hadn’t fallen asleep. But as he did he met Erwin’s eyes which looked brighter and more awake than they had before. But there was something else in those eyes: pain. Something Erwin immediately masked with a smile as he caught Levi’s eye.

“Levi, do you believe in god?”

“No.”

“Me neither. Most of the time.”

Well that was an unnerving answer.

“Why did you bring that up?”

“Because some things feel like punishments.”

Levi felt something burn down his chest. “What are you talking about?” but he knew what Erwin was saying. He’d felt it too. Felt it strong with every loss.

Erwin didn’t answer him, but that wasn’t good enough. Levi nudged him. “Are you talking about getting sick?”

Erwin took the arm Levi was nudging him with and wrapped it around himself but said nothing. Levi yanked his arm away. “Hey! I’m talking to you!”

Erwin began to hum something in a terrible off key way.

Levi was annoyed to find that both adorable and infuriating.

“It’s not a punishment, stupid,” he continued. “You overworked yourself and lived crappily. That’s how you got sick. Don’t bring god into it.”

“You’re comfier than I thought you’d be.”

“Don’t change the subject.”

“I think you missed a spot when you were shampooing. Better do it over again to make sure I’m clean.”

“I don’t miss spots, asshole!”

“Can I fall asleep on you? Just for a little while.”

“If you’re going to sleep do it on a bed.”

“That was the original plan, but then some midget dragged me in here.”

“Hey!”

“Shh. I can get away with it because I’m sick.”

“I already told you I’m making the rules today, and that’s definitely not one of them.”

“You’re no fun.”

“Watch it, or I’ll drown you.”

“Good. Put me out of my misery. I feel like a bus hit me.”

“Don’t joke about that.”

“Why? Would my death bother you?”

“Shut up.”

“Would you cry at my funeral?”

“Go back to being monosyllabic.”

“Are you blushing?”

“It’s from the heat of the water, idiot!”

“Is it also the heat of the water that’s preventing you from meeting my eyes?”

“I’m definitely drowning you now!”

“At least shampoo my hair again before you do.”

Levi pushed Erwin up into a sitting position and stood up. Water steamed from his clothes--the ones Erwin hadn’t given him time to remove before tugging him into the water. “I’m never shampooing your hair again. Now let’s go. You’re clean. Time for sleep.”

“I forgot how to use my legs.”

“How utterly convenient. Now I’ll have to carry your stupid ass.”

“Will it be a princess carry?”

“Please tell me you’re joking?”

“I want to feel like a princess.”

“You’re fucking huge. If you want to be carried it’ll be on my back.”

“But that’s nowhere near as romantic.”

“It’s either that or I’m holding your head under the water until the bubbles stop coming up.”

Erwin pouted. The effect was devastating. Levi forgot to breathe for too long. By the way the pout turned to a smirk it was clear that Erwin noticed. Levi turned around, more to hide his blush than anything else, and crouched down.

“Get on top.”

“That’s what she said.”

“No one fucking says that.”

“Really? Well I’ve never had straight sex so you’ll have to excuse my ignorance.”

“Just get on before my knees start cramping.”

“Knee cramping only happens to old men.”

“Yeah, well you would know.”

Levi waited, refusing to turn around. Everything would only be more embarrassing that way. His wait was rewarded a few seconds later when he felt Erwin’s arms twine around his neck.

Levi was blushing. He knew it, the room knew it, he just hoped to heaven that Erwin didn’t notice it.

“Hold on tight, okay? If I drop you I’m blaming your weak ass grip.”

Erwin’s grip became tighter, but not by much. He sighed. “It _is_ weak, isn’t it? I feel like a grandma.”

“Don’t insult grandmas. Have you ever met Petra’s?”

“No, thankfully. I’ve heard the horror stories though.”

Levi reached back and hooked his arms beneath Erwin’s legs.

“Well this is embarrassing…” Erwin muttered.

Levi would have agreed but he was a little preoccupied with the fact that Erwin’s dick was pressed against his back. He let out a kind of strangled choking sound.

_Say something, idiot._

Levi stood up. Now they were both streaming water. Levi was so thankful that Erwin couldn’t see his face because the slippery muscled man on his back was horrifically distracting.

“Wow. I’m actually shorter this way than I would be standing. I haven’t had a view this short since I was eleven.”

“Shut up asshole.”

He stepped out of the bath, taking care not to slip. He wasn’t afraid of dropping Erwin, though. About a year ago he’d carried Moblit up six flights of stairs when he’d passed out after an unsuccessful drinking contest with Hanji. Making it from the bath to the bed after something like that would be a piece of cake.

When he was out of the tub Levi tightened his grip on Erwin’s legs and walked forward. Erwin’s mouth came down to his ear.

“You’re really strong.”

“Of course I am. I’m an Ackerman.”

“It’s really hot.”

“You’re the one with the fever.”

Levi stopped by the door. “Get that, will you?” he said, nodding toward the doorknob. Erwin reached over and fiddled with it. His hand slid off and the door stayed shut. Erwin groaned. “Sorry. I’m really useless today.”

Levi’s forehead creased. He’d never seen Erwin do anything clumsy. To make it worse, now that Erwin was out of the water he was feeling goosebumps erupt all over the man’s flesh. Though his skin was burning, Levi knew the man felt freezing. This was further proved by the fact that Erwin was starting to shiver.

“Forget it,” Levi muttered. He shifted Erwin so that he was holding him with one hand, and got the doorknob with the other. “I was looking for a reason to show off anyway.”

“You’re so cool.”

“I know.”

“Will you autograph my butt?”

“Hell no.”

“You’re right. I should choose a more visible area so I can gaze at it fondly in my lonelier moments.”

“Please, _please_ shut the fuck up.”

Levi kicked the door open, took a few steps, and then stopped short.

Maybe it was a coincidence, but after just thinking of him, it seemed like a kind of magic act that Moblit had suddenly appeared in front of him. The last time he’d seen the man had been when Moblit had dragged him into the addiction facility. The last way he’d expected to see him again was naked as Moblit put new sheets onto his bed.

Moblit blinked and dropped the comforter cover he was holding. “Okay, I realize what I’m about to say isn’t a particularly welcome greeting, but what the actual fuck?”

Levi gaped at him, and Erwin burst out laughing. The man really was useless today.

“We, er, had a bath,” Levi said.”

“I can see that.”

“Don’t feel left out,” Erwin said in between breaths of laughter. “We would have invited you too but there was no room left. Standard hospital bathtubs aren’t equipped to fit three fully grown--”

“I remember telling you to shut up.”

“All your rules are boring,” Erwin complained.

“What are you doing here?” Levi asked, ignoring the naked man on his back.

Moblit ran his hands through his hair. “Um, why don’t you put him down before your arms snap off.”

“Did he just call me fat?” Erwin said with a melodramatic gasp.

“He definitely didn’t call you thin,” Levi huffed and marched over to the bed. He sat on its edge and let Erwin fall onto its surface with a muffled whump. When Levi stood up it was clear to his eyes that Erwin was anything but fat. There was only glistening muscle as far as he could see. But he had no need to share that information with Erwin.

“Not to sound ignorant or anything,” Moblit said, cutting into Levi’s drool fueled staring. “I’m sure there’s a good reason for it. But why were you carrying naked Erwin out of the bath?”

“Because he’s sick.”

“Is there something wrong with his legs?”

Levi paused, and Erwin took that as an opportunity to speak. “No. I was perfectly capaple of walking, but it’s not like I’m going to turn down the opportunity of being carried by Levi.”

“WHAT?” Levi shouted.

Erwin didn’t even have the decency to look ashamed. “What? It’s not like I’d ever get the opportunity again.

“I DON’T BELIEVE YOU.”

“Come on. It’s not like I won’t return the favor someday.”

“I’m never doing anything for you ever again.”

“Now that’s what I call an exaggerated response.”

“You’re unbelievable. How are you still this opportunistic while you’re _sick_.”

“I could have a fever of 212 degrees and I still wouldn’t pass that one up.”

“You are _messed up_.”

“You’re just upset because you didn’t think of it first.”

“ _What_?”

“But it’s all right. You can take advantage of me as much as you—“

Erwin’s words cut off as he descended into a sharp coughing fit. Moblit acted first and grabbed a bottle of water sitting on Levi’s table and handed it to him. Erwin nodded his head in thanks and then, eyes watering with the force of his coughing, took a long draught. While all this happened Levi just stood there proving to himself once again that he was useless when he was needed.

Erwin pulled the bottle from his lips and took a deep breath. Levi finally found his voice. “Thank you, Moblit.”

“No problem. But you think you could do something for me?”

“Sure. What is it?”

“Change your damn clothes before you die from pneumonia. The last shreds of Hanji’s sanity would crack if anything happened to you.”

“He’s right, Levi. You should—“

“I don’t think I need to hear that coming from you! Being naked is even worse.”

“You’re the one who forgot to give me a towel.”

Levi raised his finger, meaning to stab it accusingly into Erwin’s chest, but stopped when he realized that the man had a point. He knew he’d forgotten something, but, in his defense, he’d been a little preoccupied. Not everyone could be walking perfection like Erwin.

Ignoring Moblit’s words, he raced to the bathroom to get Erwin a towel, but by the time he got back the blonde was already pulling a pair of sweatpants on. Levi spared them a suspicious glance as he tossed Erwin the towel.

“Whose are those?”

Erwin did nothing with the towel and closed his eyes. “Erd’s. Can I go to sleep now?”

Levi bit down the urge to wrap the towel around the man’s neck. Who knew where those sweatpants had been? He doubted Erd had even had the common decency to put them through the sterilization cycle on whatever machine he’d washed them in. But instead he walked over to the blonde and used the towel to dry his hair. He was still afraid despite all of Erwin’s best attempts to make him feel like it was business as usual. Erwin was fragile now. He could see that in the hard edge of pain in every part of the man’s body. That’s why his fingers felt like they were barely touching the man as he moved with a gentleness he wasn’t used to.

“Hey, I’m not going to break, you know,” Erwin whispered.

“Shut up.”

Levi pulled the towel away and then pushed his hands through the tangled mess he’d made of Erwin’s hair. The strands were still wet, but at least they weren’t dripping.

Erwin shivered. Levi had to remind himself that it was because of the fever. Erwin’s eyes were still closed. Levi let his hand drop to Erwin’s face. “Hey…don’t fall asleep until Hanji gets here with the medicine.”

“They’re so heavy.”

“What?”

“My eyes. My head. Everything.”

That was it. Levi couldn’t take it anymore. He wrapped his arms around the blonde and leaned his cheek on top of the man’s wet hair. “Just a few minutes more. Hanji works fast. I promise.”

Erwin’s arms came up around Levi, but they were even weaker than before. “I know. Where do you think I learned the trait from?”

Levi didn’t mean to do it. It was stupid, he knew. But worry was the only thing on his mind, not logic, and so when his lips brushed Erwin’s forehead, he was only thinking of the man’s sickness and his own helplessness to change the situation.

Erwin froze just long enough for Levi to realize what he’d done. But then everything became okay again when Erwin melted in his arms.

“Feel safe like this,” Erwin murmured. “Haven’t felt it for a while.”

His voice was already thick with sleep. That was no doubt the reason for the openness of his words. Words that went right through the protective layers in Levi’s chest and touched the inner walls of his heart. His throat suddenly felt very full and tight.

_You’re wrong_ , he wanted to say. _My arms hurt people. They don’t bring safety._

But he didn’t say it. Maybe it was because of the fullness of his throat, but maybe it was also because Erwin looked so sure of what he’d just said that Levi could start to believe it too, even if it was only for a little while.

Erwin sighed and pressed his cheek to Levi’s chest. His very wet chest with his soggy cold shirt. Levi came back down to screaming reality.

“Shit,” he muttered, and peeled his chest off of Erwin’s face. “I’m getting you all wet.”

“That’s what he said.”

Levi was about to tell Erwin to shut the fuck up for the thousandth time, realized it wouldn’t do any good, and decided to treat the comment with dignified silence. Levi began to unbutton his shirt.

“Uh…does that mean you two are done with whatever moment you were having?”

“No,” Erwin said.

“ _Yes_ ,” Levi countered and shot Erwin a glare. The blonde pulled the pout again. Levi had to struggle not to go blind from it. He finished unbuttoning his shirt and draped it over the chair by the table. A puddle would form on the floor, but he’d deal with that later. He started in on his pants and finally asked the question that was begging to be asked.

“What are you doing here, Moblit?”

The brown haired man blinked. “Oh. I was on my way over to see how you were doing. Hanji told me to give you a week or so to settle in before stopping by. She said you’d feel guilty seeing me and that I didn’t need that stress until you were over the initial shock of treatment.”

Guilt. Right. He’d scared Moblit to death. He’d almost forgotten about that.

“I’m sorry about—“

“Don’t, Levi. I want to forgive you, but I don’t think I’ll be able to do that until you’re better.”

Levi lowered his eyes to the floor.

“Don’t misunderstand,” Moblit added hurriedly. “I’m not angry at you. Not really. Just scared. Really stupidly scared. When I forced the door open…I thought you were dead, Levi. I thought you’d killed yourself with alcohol all alone in your tiny immaculate apartment with no one there in your last moments. When I touched you I thought you were going to be cold and stiff. In my eyes I was already at your funeral with Hanji—a dead Hanji who lived and breathed but was dead all the same.”

It was the shock that made Levi lift his eyes. Moblit never made speeches like that. He was just the one who took care of everyone without ever waiting for a thank you. The one people took for granted because he was just so dependable that his consistency was almost invisibility. But as Levi look up he saw that the man’s eyes were wet, and Levi never wanted to mistake him for invisible again.”

“I…”

He was tempted to repeat “I’m sorry” but knew that would be useless. Moblit needed more than that from him.

“I’ll get better,” he promised. “I didn’t think I could, but I have so many people here helping me. Hanji is a constant force of strength and Erd keeps me calm, and Gunther and Auruo keep me busy and then there’s everyone in my support group. Reiner, and Marco, and this weird kid Jean—oh, and Mikasa, my cousin. I have to tell you all about her. But more than all that, well, more like the thing that makes everything more is Erwin. For the first time in over three years I can breathe in deep without the fear that I’ll die from the germs I inhale. I feel…free. The germs used to claw at me, rip through me and look for every weakness, but with Erwin they lose their power. I can’t really explain why. Maybe it’s not that the germs got weaker but that he makes me stronger, or, shit, I’m saying all this shit out loud. _Fuck_. Erwin don’t look at me right now or I’ll punch you in the dick. I didn’t mean anything I just said. Pretend I didn’t say any—“

Levi peeked over at Erwin to assess the damage, and that’s what made him stop speaking. Erwin’s eyes were open, and for a second there was no pain in his face. There was only…relief. Why was there relief? He blinked. But then Erwin closed his eyes and let himself fall back onto the bed. Levi cleared his throat.

“So yeah, as you can see I’m making progress, so don’t worry. You won’t have to worry about me anymore. I promise.”

Levi felt hopeful and strong, and that’s why he thought it weird when Moblit crossed the room and crushed him to his chest. The man’s hands were shaking.

“Levi…what on earth made you think that not worrying was possible?”

Moblit laughed and pressed a shaky kiss to the top of Levi’s head. Moblit had never hugged him before. He’d certainly never kissed him before. But maybe it was because in the past Levi wouldn’t have let him. As if that wasn’t enough, Moblit pushed his hand through Levi’s hair and thoroughly rumpled it.

“You’re right. You are getting better. If I’d done that a month ago you would have decapitated me.”

“Hey, I still haven’t given up on the possibility…”

Moblit kissed Levi again, a smacking one on the cheek this time. Levi growled, but inside he felt kind of floofy.

“All right, that’s enough. I may be sick, but if provoked I’ll get up, and, I don’t know, cough all over you.”

Levi turned toward Erwin with raised brows. “Wait…don’t tell me you’re—“

“Jealous? Of course I am. You’re never that well-mannered when I harass you.”

Erwin’s eyes were still closed with his hands folded on top of his stomach. Levi snorted. “Don’t worry. He doesn’t swing that way.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t be sure about that.”

No. Impossible.

Levi shot Moblit a wide eyed look but the man was determinedly not meeting his eyes.

“There’s no way…”

Moblit cleared his throat awkwardly. Levi twisted his head back over to Erwin, who was looking pretty smug. The air reeked of…

“Bullshit!” Levi snapped. “You’re in love with Hanji!”

“So? That doesn’t prevent him from sleeping with anyone else. People have needs, you know,” Erwin said.

“Shut up! Every time you open your mouth I want to punch you in the throat.”

“Please don’t. That’ll only make my cough worse.”

 “But Moblit? _Moblit_?”

“Hey, I _told_ you I was a slut.”

“You asshat! That’s like fucking my _brother_.”

“Well what do you want me to do, un-fuck him?”

“ _Yes_.”

“All right. Get over here Moblit. I’ll try my best.”

“Don’t fucking touch him!”

“Wait. Does that mean _you’re_ getting jealous now?”

“Of course not! This is just creepy as hell.”

“Damn…I got excited for a second.”

“I don’t believe this!”

“Before you get too angry at me, just remember _he_ came on to _me._ ”

“I find that very hard to believe.”

Moblit cleared his throat again. Levi pretty much lost it. He clapped his hand over Moblit’s mouth.  “No. I can’t handle it. This is like breaking an integral rule of the universe or something. You’re not supposed to lust after anyone but Hanji. Anything else is just _weird_.”

Moblit pulled Levi’s hand away. “I’m sorry Levi. I didn’t know you were interested in him. Besides, it was a really long time ago.”

“I’m _not_ interested in him.”

“I’m not sure if anyone’s ever told you this, Levi, but you’re a really shitty liar.”

If even Moblit was saying it then it had to be true. Levi scowled. But Moblit wasn’t done.

“Besides, I was really trashed at the time, and, you have to admit, he’s really hot.”

“Please just stop talking. I don’t want to hear this from you. It’s like thinking about your grandparents having sex.”

“So you see me as a reliable grandfatherly figure?”

“I see you as the pain of my existence right now,” Levi growled.

“I thought _I_ was the pain of your existence,” came petulant Erwin sounding several seconds away from sleep. Levi could barely hear him. The words were _that_ mumbled. Levi smiled and let go of Moblit. He walked over to the bed and sat on its edge.

“Moblit? Could you find Hanji? Erwin’s not going to last much longer.”

Moblit smiled a little too knowingly. “Of course. Let me see if I can round up some soup too while I’m at it.”

He moved toward the door, but when he got there he paused and looked back. “Levi?”

Levi tore his eyes away from Erwin’s face. It looked like Erwin had nodded off.

This time Moblit’s face hid nothing. “The way you look at him is _revolting_. My teeth are going to rot out of my head.”

Levi bit his lip but it didn’t stop his smile. Maybe he looked a little _too_ happy, because Moblit got an evil look on his face.

“One more thing, Levi. Just a little something for your own reference.”

Levi waited. Moblit winked “In bed…” He jerked his head toward Erwin. “Fucking incredible.”

Levi’s eyes widened to the size of compact mirrors. Moblit shut the door with a satisfied snap. Levi turned back to Erwin, feeling lightheaded. He’d never been more thankful to see the man asleep. He let out a shaky breath and then pressed a whisper light touch to the man’s hair.

“Get better soon,” he whispered and stroked down the side of the man’s face. “It’s boring when you don’t have the energy to bait me.”

Erwin’s face was still. He looked like a renaissance painting. The flawless ones of the greek gods. Levi didn’t know the names, but he’d seen one once in a magazine. A golden haired god with cheekbones that looked like they’d been chiseled from marble. Erwin looked like that, only with better eyebrows.

“I want to help you. I want to do as much for you as you’ve done for me. I don’t know how, but I want to try. I’ve never wanted to try this hard for anyone but Hanji.”

He slid the other hand onto Erwin’s face too. And this time the motion was intentional when he leaned down and pressed his lips to the blonde’s burning forehead. “Heal,” his lips whispered against his skin. “I won’t go anywhere until you do.”

And then he pulled away but only in order to pick up the blanket and drop it down over both of them. He was only wearing a pair of damp boxers, and Erwin was only in sweatpants, but those things didn’t seem important right now. Levi wrapped his arm around Erwin’s middle and pressed his forehead to the man’s back. The front of his knees touched the backs of Erwin’s thighs. He let out a slow breath. He would wake Erwin when Hanji came, but until then this moment would be…

Erwin moved. It was a small motion, but so obvious as Erwin laid one of his hands over the one Levi had around the blonde’s middle. And then he spoke in a hoarse whisper that was barely more than air. “You’re already doing enough,” Erwin said. “You’re doing _everything_.”

Levi stiffened and then he groaned and buried his deeply embarrassed face into Erwin’s skin. “Oh god, you heard everything, didn’t you?”

“Yup. Apparently I’m _incredible_.”

“Shut the fuck up.”

And, surprisingly, Erwin did.

\---

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God guys. I hope this chapter makes sense because it was written in so many random little spurts over the past month and a half. Whenever I had time I would turn to it. I hope you guys aren't disappointed. I'm so happy to finally have a chapter for you guys. Thank you for your patience and support. I want to bake cookies for all of you. (also--hurray! Moblit is finally here! And Ackerman bonding time! And look, talk about role reversal *wiggles eyebrows* time to see nurse Levi (I want to see him taking care of Erwin in a little slutty outfit...)) I'm so upset that I didn't get to post anything on Erwin's birthday last month but you can bet your ass that I spent the whole week thinking about him. I'm warning you now that there's going to be another break until the next chapter comes out because finals are approaching and those are always super fun. But it won't be as long a wait as this one has been, don't worry. As always thank you for all your feedback and encouragement up until now. You guys give me life.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's a thanksgiving present for you all.

Chapter 9:

Levi shivered. Immediately the hands around him tightened and pulled him into safe warmth.

_Erwin…_ his mind was full of fizzing bubbles even if his throat felt like it was being put through a grater.

“Hang in there,” Erwin said, voice soft blankets. His breath sent wisps of Levi’s hair blowing. “You can get your next dose soon. Would you like some water?”

Levi nodded, but didn’t move. Erwin’s chest was too snuggly to leave. Erwin pushed Levi’s hair back off his face. Some of the strands clung stubbornly because of the sweat that coated his skin. Erwin helped Levi sit up and brought the bottle of water to his lips. Levi dutifully took a sip, but then turned his head away.

“Come on, Levi. You need more than that.”

“Don’t wanna…”

“You need to stay hydrated if you want to flush the germs out.”

“Getting up to piss is a hassle.”

“Never mind that, I’ll carry you if you need to go.”

That brought a raspy chuckle to Levi’s lips. “You? You can barely stand on your own feet.”

“That’s not true.”

“You bumped into the wall the last time you got up.”

“That was two and a half hours ago—I can barely remember that far back. I’m a lot better now.”

“Bullshit. You’re waiting for your next dose of meds too. I can feel your fever.”

“You’re just feeling your own.”

“Are you calling me incompetent?”

“Just drink your water.”

“Fuck you.”

“Not when you’re this sick.”

“I hate you.”

“You’re going to break my old man heart.”

“You don’t have a heart.”

“Sure I do. It just expired a while ago.”

Levi drank the water, chugging until the bottle was empty. Then he crumpled the plastic in his fist and tossed it across the room.

“Ooh…look at you. Making messes. I never thought I’d live to see the day.”

Levi groaned and punched Erwin in the boob. It was a pathetic shot.

“Just pretend that hurt,” Levi said.

“Uh, ouch.”

“Keep your day job. You’ll never make it as an actor.”

“I can if I just take handsome silent roles. Everyone likes a good brooding figure. I can just stand in the corner and look hot. I’m good at that.”

“The next time I have to shit I’m just going to take it on you.”

“Is that revenge for accidentally farting on you?”

“No. I’m going to skin you alive for that.”

“Come on, you can’t blame me. I was asleep.”

“You _traumatized_ me.”

“I think you used up the entire center’s hot water for the 2 hour shower you took.”

“I can’t believe I let you back in the bed.”

“I can’t believe you kicked me out in the first place.”

Levi began a coughing fit. Erwin rubbed soothing circles into Levi’s back until it was over.

“Shit, that hurts,” Levi grumbled, massaging his throat.

“We have cough drops.”

“Those taste like satan’s asscrack with some menthol thrown in.”

“You say that like it’s a bad thing.”

“Oh god, please don’t start that again…”

“An ass is a wonderful thing, Levi. Some are like freshly ripened peaches, succulent and round.”

“ _Please_ don’t. I don’t think I can handle—“

“There is no such thing as the perfect ass, because that would be implying that there could only be one. But beautiful asses, fortunately, cover the earth, and I, a lonely connoisseur, can bask in their magnificence.”

“I swear Erwin. This is the fifth ass related speech since the fever started. What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“You, Levi, have a beautiful ass. I’m sorry that you have to bear that burden, but it’s true. Unfortunately the beauty of it makes your rank personality look even worse by comparison, but that’s the price you have to pay.”

“I’m going to impale you with one of the bed posts.”

“You can talk about the beauty of _my_ ass if you want. Don’t worry, I’ll restrain myself from stopping you.”

“I wouldn’t talk about your ass if it was the last ass on earth.”

“Sometimes your cruelty overwhelms me…”

“I’m going to rip your dick off.”

“Please be gentle.”

“And then I’m going to make you choke on it.”

“Your enthusiasm is impressive.”

“Please stop misinterpreting everything I say.”

“Fine. But only if you reward me.”

Levi’s heart began to hammer. “What?”

“It’s only something small, I promise.”

Levi flushed. On Erwin’s second day of sickness Levi had begun to feel heavy, then he had felt light headed, and then he’d felt a scratchiness in his throat. By that night he’d fallen into bed with Erwin, and Erd and Hanji had taken up the task of caring for both of them. Now on the third day Erwin was getting better, but Levi was stuck in the worst stage. Erwin had kept Levi from panicking about the germs in his body by keeping up a constant stream of nonsense. Though he’d slept for 12 hours straight last night, he’d found that when he’d woken he was almost having fun. Nanaba had yelled at them on more than one occasion already after she’d walked in and found them giggling together instead of napping like they were supposed to be doing. However, though Erwin had kept an arm around him for most of the time that they’d been in bed, he hadn’t done anything else. His hand stayed strictly on levi’s waist, not daring to venture higher or lower than the safety zone. Levi wouldn’t lie to himself and say that he wasn’t disappointed. Now that they were both sick sharing germs didn’t matter anymore, but Erwin wasn’t taking advantage of _anything_ and that was so boring. He realized he was waiting. He wanted to be touched. He wanted Erwin to do anything, everything even. Levi knew that if Erwin wanted to have sex with him that he would do it. In a second. A heartbeat. He wanted Erwin. Every moment he spent with the man made him feel alive. Talking to Erwin was like an elaborate game. A game he looked forward to playing every time, and one he didn’t have to worry about winning because he was having too much fun. With that said, Levi was getting tired of waiting, but he wasn’t very good at initiating. He was clumsy and inexperienced and his level of want just made both those things worse. But whatever attempts he made were stopped in their tracks, and it was done with so much skill that Levi hardly noticed. At first he thought that it was accidental. Every time he leaned into Erwin’s face or wrapped himself too tightly around the man, Erwin found excuses to move. It was only after it had happened many times that Levi had caught on—Erwin wasn’t letting Levi touch him, and that was driving him insane. At first he had been hurt. He thought Erwin didn’t want him, but after thinking about it long and hard he realized that wasn’t the case. All they did was flirt, for god’s sake. Erwin was definitely interested in him, but for whatever reason he was refusing to let either of them act on it. Levi had a sneaking suspicion that it had to do with what Nile had told the man. But that didn’t matter anymore, right? No one was the patient and nurse anymore. They spent time together because they wanted to, because it made them both happy. So what was the problem? It was starting to seriously piss him off. He didn’t feel a power dynamic when they were together. Erwin was just a dorky old hot man, and he knew that he himself was just an irritable old fart. That’s what made being in the bed together so much fun.

Levi looked straight at Erwin. Right. He wasn’t going to back down now. Even if it was embarrassing, he’d been waiting for this moment for too long.

“all right…” he muttered. “What is it?”

_Don’t look away. Don’t. Even though it’s embarrassing as shit and his eyes are so fucking blue and it looks like he’s going to consume your entire soul with just his fucking face GODDAMN IT STOP BEING SUCH A PERFECT FUCKING DISGRACE YOU HORRIBLE BLONDE ATROCITY. Who gave you the right? Who let you burrow this deep into my crusty old heart? WHO? I’m going to get an STD just from looking at your face you filthy old man. Just fucking…for god’s sake…I FUCKING HATE YOU._

Erwin smiled. Levi felt everything inside of him shudder.

“Open your mouth for me,” Erwin said. His voice was doing the poker hot sex thing again.

Levi couldn’t think of a single smart aleck comment to make. He let his lips part—open to him, _inviting_.

_Kiss me_ , he begged internally. _I can’t take it anymore._

Erwin brought his fingers to Levi’s lips and…shoved in one of the horrible ass menthol cough drops. Levi sputtered and almost choked and then began to beat Erwin to within an inch of his life.

“You horrible—you fucking—I’m going to kill you with my teeth you pugnacious prickshit!”

“Your vocabulary improves when you’re angry, did you ever notice that?”

“I’m not even going to give you a proper burial. I’ll just stuff your body into the septic tank.”

“You really don’t like these candies, do you? Are they really that bad?”

“You tell me. I’ll stuff them all up your ass and you can give me your honest opinion.”

“If you stay this excited your fever’s just going to get higher.”

There was a knock at the door and Hanji poked her head inside. “Sounds like a party in here.”

Levi crossed his arms over his chest and rolled away from Erwin. “Make him leave.”

“I can’t do that. You’ll be crying for him to come back within two minutes.”

“That’s not true!”

Erwin trailed his fingers down Levi’s back, but didn’t wrap his arms around him to pull him back. “You wouldn’t miss me?”

“No!”

The fingers reached his lower back. Levi stopped breathing. _Yes. Touch me_. But the next second Erwin drew his hand back, refusing to go any lower. Levi wanted to punch him. Instead he groaned.

“I know, I know, I’ve got your meds,” Hanji said and handed plastic medicine cups to both men.

Erwin threw his back and swallowed while Levi went to hunt for another water bottle first. Hanji found it and handed it to him. Once he’d taken his pills she put her hands in his hair. “You’ve both caused quite a ruckus, you know. I think I’ve been assaulted by every person here on my way over to ask how you’re both doing. I told the group members you’ll be back to lead them tomorrow, Erwin.”

“But he’s—“

“He’ll be fine by then, Levi. Don’t be smothering.”

“If he’s going, then I’m going.”

“You’re still pretty sick.”

“I can go in my wheelchair.”

“That thing isn’t your throne, you know.”

“I can reach speeds up to 18 miles an hour on the ramp outside with it,” Levi said proudly. Erwin high fived him.

“What? Who measured it?”

“Sasha. But only if I promised to let her have a turn first.”

“Where were the staff while this was happening?”

“Gunther was the one who gave me the idea in the first place.”

Hanji slapped her hand over her eyes and groaned. “When I start to feel like the sanest person here that’s always a bad sign.”

“You’re just annoyed because you missed all the fun.”

There was another knock at the door. It was all formality. Levi recognized it and rolled his eyes. “What do you want?”

The door opened and Nile stepped in. His eyes widened when they settled on the bed where Erwin and Levi both lay.

“Hanji…”

She winced. “I can already see your blood pressure rising.”

“What is this?”

“A sickbed.”

“Why is Erwin in it?”

“Because Levi wants him there.”

Levi flushed, but didn’t deny the claim like he might normally have done.

Nile shot Erwin a look, but Erwin busied himself with tugging lightly at strands of Levi’s hair. When he continued to ignore him, Nile sighed and turned to Levi instead.

“I was hoping I could speak with you. I wanted to remind you that we still haven’t given you a psychological evaluation. You seem very talented at finding excuses to postpone it.”

“He’s _sick_ ,” Erwin snapped. “He didn’t do that on purpose.”

“Regardless, he seems to be enjoying the attention.”

“What exactly are you implying?”

“He’s here to be treated, not so the two of you can have fun playing doctor with each other.”

Levi growled. “Who shit in your coffee this morning?”

“No one. I’m just getting tired of this treatment facility being used as a dating center.”

“It’s not—“

Levi sat up, cutting Erwin off. He pushed himself to the edge of the bed. “Fine. Let’s have this little chat.”

“Levi, what are you—“

Levi brushed Erwin’s hands away. “No. If he wants to talk to me so badly that he’ll start accusing you of being some kind of sexual deviant…”

“I’m not calling him a deviant,” Nile said, exasperated. “And I didn’t say we have to talk right this second. I realize you’re sick. But when you’re better I want to—“

“No. You want to talk? Then talk to me right now.” Levi stood up. The world tilted a little, but he would be okay…probably. He managed to take several steps forward before Hanji grabbed his shoulders.

“Careful, Levi.”

“I’m fine. Where’s your office, Bolo?”

“I told you not to call me that.”

“Levi—“

“I said I’m _fine_ , Hanji. And if you can’t take a little nickname, Bolo, than I don’t see how you can stand to work here.”

“Levi, please—“

“WHAT?”

Hanji shoved the wheelchair into his legs and yanked him down into it. “Don’t take that fucking tone with me, Levi. I’m not trying to interfere with your choices, so you can at least give me the courtesy of listening to me sometimes, because, damn it, I actually do know what I’m saying most of the time.”

Levi bit his lip, chastised. Hanji hadn’t snapped at him in years.

“I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, whatever. I just don’t need you throwing up from low blood pressure. We can’t stand to lose all the center’s hot water again.”

“Told you that you used all of it,” Erwin muttered under his breath. It was unfortunate that the man wasn’t in kicking range.

Erwin stood up and took the handles of Levi’s wheelchair. “I’ll take him.”

Nile stepped forward and got into Erwin’s face. “Don’t even think about it.”

“I work here.”

“You’re a part of the problem.”

Erwin clenched his teeth. Nile didn’t back down. Hanji pushed her hands between them.

“God there is way too much testosterone in this room. Let’s go. Move out. We’re _all_ going.”

Nile kept glaring at Erwin, but crossed the room. The rest followed suit. Levi pulled his feet up to his chest and allowed himself to be wheeled out. His eyes stayed on the blonde.

“Erwin…” he muttered.

“Do you want me to leave, Levi?” His eyes were flashing.

“N-no.”

Nile angrily adjusted his Bolo tie as they stalked down the hallway. As he and Hanji headed for the stairs, Erwin headed for the elevator. Levi could tell the motion was premeditated by the look Hanji and Erwin exchanged before they split paths. Erwin hit the elevator button while Levi stewed in discomfort. When the elevator arrived and the doors were safely closed, Levi spoke.

“Erwin, what’s going on?”

“It’s Nile having a point and me being a stubborn fucknut.”

Levi flinched. There was a self-loathing in Erwin’s voice that he’d never heard before. He twisted around in his chair. “What the hell?”

Erwin let go of the wheelchair, leaned back against the wall of the elevator and covered his eyes. “I’m a piece of shit. A steaming pile of fresh shit.”

“Hey! Even I don’t call you that!”

Erwin slid down the wall of the elevator, face still in his hands. Levi’s heart thudded with panic. He was tempted to start screaming for Hanji, but knew he had to settle this himself. He reached over to the control panel and twisted the key in the hold slot. The elevator ground to a halt while the doors remained shut. With one snap of the wheels he rolled himself right in front of Erwin, bent down, and pulled at the man’s arms.

“Come on. You’re scaring the unsterile shit out of me. What happened?”

Erwin refused to let go of his face. “Don’t. I can’t.”

“Snap out of it and talk to me. What’s going on? Why are you and Nile at each other’s throats? I thought you guys were friends.”

“It’s because I’m making a fool out of myself.”

“You aren’t. I promise you aren’t.”

“You’re wrong!”

Levi let go of Erwin’s arms and fell back in his chair. “What?”

Erwin sighed and grabbed two angry fistfuls of blonde hair but said nothing. Levi was afraid to speak. Looking at Erwin he was reminded of an egg teetering on the edge of a counter. With one wrong move he would send it spiraling to the floor. His gut twisted into knots. Finally he couldn’t take it anymore.

“Erwin…”

No answer. Erwin seemed to shrink into himself.

“Erwin, you’re scaring me. Please. Just talk.”

Erwin finally looked up at him. His eyes were vulnerable pits.

“I’m going to quit.”

Levi blinked. He stared at those eyes without lies. “What are you saying?”

“I’m going to quit working at this facility. I was obviously never meant to be a nurse. I can’t even maintain a professional distance from my patients.”

“I’m not your patient!”

“I know, Levi, but—“

“You can’t quit. There are so many people who need you here.”

“There are more staff, better staff—“

“No!”

“I was stupid to ever think I could be here. This is an addiction center, and I’m an addict. I belong in a patient gown not a scrub outfit. I never should have listened to Erd.”

Levi grabbed Erwin’s hand and yanked it up roughly. “Do you hear yourself? You sound like a bad soap opera. Of course you belong here. Your background makes you able to relate to the patients. You can empathize with them and understand them like no one else can. They love you.”

_I_ _love you._

Levi shook that thought from his mind. “I don’t care what Nile’s trying to do. Don’t let him make you feel guilty. You’ve done nothing wrong—“

“I’ve done _everything_ wrong, Levi. _Everything_!”

Erwin stared hard at him, his eyes saying something that Levi didn’t want to hear. Levi stared back and refused to let go of the blonde’s hand.

Erwin sighed. “Don’t you get it? It’s not about them. It’s about you.”

Erwin pulled his hand out of Levi’s. He stood up, but before he could walk over to the control panel Levi grabbed the back of his shirt and stopped him short.

“Please let go, Levi.”

“No. You can’t just say something like that and walk away.”

“I’m sorry, but I can’t. Please let me go.”

“No! All we do is dance around each other. We say so many things, I drive myself crazy with it all, but you don’t touch me and you don’t let me touch you and I’m sick of pretending not to notice. Can’t we just be open about this?”

Erwin turned, very slowly, and looked at Levi. His eyes. Levi was paralyzed with those eyes that ripped right through him and tied down every one of his tendons.

“You want me to be open?”

Levi’s throat was a dessert with a sandstorm raging in it. A savanna during a heatwave. It was so dry he was sure it would peel right off, but he had to answer. He wouldn’t get another chance.

“Yes.”

“About my feelings?”

Levi broke out into a sweat that had nothing to do with his fever. His brain was going into a forced shutdown.

“Yes.”

One second Erwin was standing there, just there, like a statue—the Greek one that Levi couldn’t get out of his head these days—and the next he shot forward. Fingers like steel prongs snagged his face and then he was wrenched up out of the chair, his body leaving it entirely, as he was held aloft by one arm while the other twisted tight in Levi’s hair. And then Erwin kissed him. But it wasn’t a kiss. It was desperation. Erwin’s lips crashed down on Levi’s, stole the breath right out of his lungs and spat it back with equal parts lust and loss. His hand crushed into Levi’s shirt, and the pressure of his fingers slammed their bodies together. Levi’s legs dangled there in midair, unmoving. The only muscle movement he had was in his mouth, which he let fall open. Because even though he was frightened of the sudden wall of feelings that had slammed up within him, roaring, deafening, for the man who held him, he couldn’t back down. And Erwin who was all strength and vapor felt the motion and seized hold of it. His fingers wrapped around Levi’s jaw and he kissed him. Levi knew he had never been kissed because _this_ was a kiss and it was scary and overwhelming and the most incredible thing that had ever happened to him.

_I need to…back, I need to show him. Reciprocate._

Erwin’s tongue found his and Levi groaned, the sound coming from an embarrassing depth. But before he could react, right when his fingers first twitched with movement, Erwin yanked himself back, and, with a gasp, tore his mouth from Levi’s.

Levi’s lungs found air. He gulped it down, but he wasn’t searching for air, he was looking for lips, Erwin’s, but he wasn’t there. Erwin whipped around, wrenched the key back to its original position, and dropped Levi back in his chair. He wasn’t shoved, it was more like Erwin had released a searing hot object that had burned him. The elevator started up again. Levi touched his lips, already beginning to swell.

_Tell him now. Tell him the words. Tell him how you feel._

Levi was breathing too fast, and it didn’t help that Erwin wasn’t looking at him. But he would say the words because he had to. Because they were the truth and, everyone was right, he sucked at lying—didn’t want to lie anymore. So he swallowed some courage and opened his mouth.

“Erwin. I lo—“

“An hour,” Erwin snapped. “I’ll stay for your psych evaluation, and then I’ll leave. Nile will accept my resignation, even without my two weeks’ notice. He knows it had to happen. I did too. I just didn’t want to see it.”

The doors slid open, and Erwin grabbed Levi’s chair. He didn’t look at Levi as he wheeled him out. Levi had felt like a piece of furniture before. He’d felt it many times. But he’d never felt it because of Erwin before. He said nothing. He couldn’t move. Paralyzed again. Because Levi had never gotten his heart broken. He had never prepared himself for it. And so he became nothing as he was swallowed by the feeling, the emptiness and the hollow pain that rushed over every happy memory he had shared with the man behind him.

And Erwin didn’t see.

\---

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry. I'm really really sorry. Why do I do this? I am a cruel horrible thing that needs to be taught the dangers of angst. *sobs* please love me anyway. I tried to stock up on the fluffiness beforehand in order to soften the blow but I think it only made it worse. The only comfort I offer you guys is that I will try to write the next chapter as quickly as possible. Stay strong my darlings.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: There are dongs in this chapter. Enthusiastic ones. So if you don't like that, feel free to leave. (i admit that after writing this chapter I think I have to go to church to cleanse myself--and i'm not even Christian.)

Chapter 10:

There was no sound except for the sound of the wheelchair wheels against the waxed tile floors of the hallway. Erwin pushed and Levi sat, aware of nothing by the familiar but forever obliterating feeling of rejection. He’d been so happy the last few weeks. It had been in such stark contrast to the three years preceding the addiction center that it had felt like he’d been borrowing someone else’s life. But he hadn’t questioned it. Hadn’t wanted to do anything to dim the brightness of his new life. A life where he was in control. A life where the germs no longer diminished him. A life that excited and stimulated him. A life he was in love with. A life where he could allow himself to be loved. But all that was gone, of course. He’d been stupid to think it could last. It was only a matter of time before the universe realized it had made a mistake in giving him happiness. It was bound to happen, he had known that deep down. But if he had known, then why did it feel like giant hands had taken each side of him and torn him straight down the middle, severing his spinal cord and making everything open to the raw ends of his nerves? Why would it hurt? He should have been used to this. He should’ve had his walls in place to protect himself. When had he taken down the walls?

_Erwin…_

He was not okay.

_Why, Erwin?_

He didn’t want to be awake.

_Why would you do that? Why would you take me, hold me in your arms, show me my own feelings, and then throw them away? Why?_

His head was swimming. It felt unconnected from the rest of him. And yet, he could still feel the pain radiating out from his chest to reach every part of him. The world was swirling again, things expanding wider and wider to engulf everything and spill him into an emptiness where no one else existed. No one but him and the germs. The world spun, faster and faster, trying to dislodge him, to fling him away from Erwin.

“Levi!”

So fast it was making him nauseous. The ground was tilting upward now, opening, and now there were teeth. He was going to be swallowed alive.

“Levi! I’m here!”

He didn’t want to be swallowed. He needed air. A terrifying face with no eyes just sunken black pits.

Hands were on him, dragging him down. Levi thrashed but the hands only got tighter.

“Levi, it’s me! Let me, shit—“

“What did you do to him? What THE FUCK did you do to my Levi?”

The hands released him but they were replaced by others. He was suffocating. There was no air. He was being sucked into a space smaller than a pair of dice. He was going to die. He was dying.

“I didn’t—I just told him—“

“MOVE!”

He was in the air. He was being held. But it didn’t change anything. The space got smaller and smaller.

“Get me the diazepam. Injectable. 5 mg. NOW!”

Hands on his face. Why wouldn’t they stop? Didn’t they know he was dying? His heart was already gone, sucked out and replaced by a hammer that wouldn’t stop, faster and faster.

“Levi. _Levi_. It’s me. It’s Zoe. I’m here. You’ll be safe. I’m here to keep you safe.”

Zoe? Was she dying too? No. No no no. That was horrible. He had to protect her. To keep her away. He shoved and connected with flesh, he tumbled and hit something. Hard. Germs. Everywhere. Burrowing into whatever was left. Into the too small space.

A slice of pain, something pushing into him. The germs. They’d found a way in. They would kill him before he could be squeezed to death. Death by infection.

“It should take effect immediately. Give him a few seconds.”

Things were slowing down, fading. Was he losing consciousness? Were the germs doing this? He was finding it hard to care even though he knew he should. There was an important reason why all this was happening but he couldn’t remember. The edges of the world were coming apart and falling into a pile of dust.

“He’s going still, but keep your eyes open. He might try to hurt himself.”

Someone was crying. Maybe more than one person. The sound made him ache. Something important…what was it?

“Help me carry him. Watch his head. Damn, his fever’s still strong.”

“The meds haven’t had a chance to bring it down yet.”

“Remind me to stab you with a very sharp object later. What the hell made you think this was a good time to mess with him?”

“I didn’t mean to—I was just trying to do the right thing.”

“You were trying to take care of yourself.”

“I don’t need to hear that from _you_ , Nile.”

“You need to hear it from _someone_ , Erwin.”

“Please, just help him. Chew me out later.”

The voices were all fading now. He felt like he was floating on something uneven, which could almost be pleasant if his head would just stop spinning. But it wouldn’t, and he spun and spun until everything went dark.

\--

Levi didn’t realize he could feel things again until he blinked his eyes open and found himself in the wrong surroundings.

 _Where the hell am I_?

He was in a large bed—larger than both the one he had at the center and the one he had at home. The sheets were a dark olive and the wood of the bed posts shone. The walls of the room were nearly bare save for a mirror above a desk covered in papers. There was a lamp on the bedside table that looked like it ran on kerosene of all things. The room wasn’t all that large, but it wasn’t crowded either. He decided he liked it--mostly for reasons he couldn’t really articulate. There was light streaming into the room, but it was soft afternoon light, not the obnoxious hard light of the morning. Levi still felt sleepy and thought about closing his eyes again when he heard the doorknob click and turn. He bolted up in bed. The door swung open.

“I thought I might find you in here…”

It was Erwin. He was dressed in one of the most ridiculous outfits Levi had ever seen. He was wearing a cropped tan jacket, a leather skirt thingie over a pair of white pants criss-crossed with BDSM type leather straps, and, to top it all off, around his neck was a bolo tie with a green stone. If the fashion police had been present, Levi was sure that they would have shot the man on the spot. However despite the high crime of his outfit Levi couldn’t spare it much attention. This was because of the man’s face. Erwin’s smile was softer and more beautiful than the light streaming in through the window, and it seemed to light up a lot more than the sun ever could. Seeing it, Levi felt all his tiredness disappear. His weight felt halved, and he felt the corners of his mouth tugging up in his own return smile. But it was the man’s eyes that did him in. Levi had felt love before. Isabel had loved him. Farlan had loved him. And Hanji loved him. But all those loves had taken years to build because the love was deep and true and lasting. That’s what didn’t make sense, because as much as Levi liked Erwin. As much as he truly cared for him and wanted to spend more and more time with him, he couldn’t fathom what could have happened to make Erwin look at him like he was the dearest treasure to ever shine in all of life’s history on earth.

Erwin kicked the door closed with a booted foot and crossed the space to the bed without once taking his eyes off Levi. His arms were already out, reaching.

“Levi…”

Levi didn’t pause but leaned into the arms and let the man wrap him up like a present Erwin had been waiting to unwrap for a decade. It didn’t matter what had happened between them, Levi couldn’t doubt the feelings in those eyes.

Erwin’s hug was tight, strong, and wonderfully warm. It lingered on into forever. Levi’s eyes closed as he let the love sink into him like a healing balm. Erwin let out a low groan. “I missed you.” the hug got even tighter as Erwin tucked his face into Levi’s neck. “So damn much.”

Levi’s heart was expanding. Its walls had never felt this elastic. He was drowning, but it didn’t feel restricting.

Erwin began to pull back, and that made Levi cling to him, not wanting it to end, but Erwin didn’t go far. He pulled back just enough to get his head up, and then he tilted his head, nudged Levi’s face up, and kissed him.

It took Levi several beats to register what was happening. Maybe it was because a kiss felt natural after seeing Erwin’s eyes, or maybe it was because the kiss was all healing and light and that made it almost a whisper, but finally Levi’s eyes did spring open, especially when Erwin’s lips grew more insistent and a hint of teeth and tongue appeared to nip at him.

Levi shoved at Erwin’s shoulders and broke away from him with a gasp. Erwin’s face exploded with alarm. “Levi, what’s wrong?”

But Levi had already fallen back onto his elbows in his haste to get away. “You—why would you—“

Erwin reached out to him, but Levi flinched. Panic added to Erwin’s alarm. “What is it, Levi? Did something happen? Are you hurt?”

Levi’s hand darted to his mouth, and everything about his situation came back with all it’s terrible colors. The elevator, Erwin’s bruising kiss, his promise to resign, the feeling of furniture, and the dreadful spinning that had swept him away into nothing.

“You kissed me…”

Erwin blinked. “Of course I did. I haven’t seen you in more than a week.”

“What? But I just saw you a few minutes ago.”

Erwin’s eyes were flashing all over Levi, looking for injury. “A few minutes? Levi I’ve been in the interior wrestling with the council members about recruitment qualifications. I stepped out of the carriage less than ten minutes ago and came straight here.”

_The interior of what? Recruitment qualifications? What the hell is he talking about?_

“No, you were just—we were talking and you—you wanted to leave me. You were going to leave right after the evaluation.”

Erwin touched Levi’s face and leaned closer, a light of understanding went off in his eyes. “You were just sleeping, right? Did you have some kind of weird dream?”

No. This was the weird dream. It had to be. Nothing made sense.

Erwin brushed the hair from Levi’s face. If it was a dream, it was a very good one. The familiar tingles from Erwin’s fingers raced across his skin.

“Sleeping during the day can do that to you. I always feel so disoriented when I wake up after a nap. Maybe it’s worse because we’re getting to be old men.” He smiled, but this time Levi didn’t smile back.

“Where are we? What’s going on?”

Erwin took one of his hands and linked their fingers together. “We’re in our quarters, in our bed. Everything is how it should be, Levi. I ran into Hanji on my way up here and she assured me that nothing had happened to you while I was gone. Did something happen that she doesn’t know about? Did you hit your head on anything?”

“I…I was sick…”

Erwin’s forehead crinkled with worry and he quickly pressed a hand first to Levi’s forehead and then neck. “But you never get sick. I haven’t seen you with even a cold in years.”

But Erwin hadn’t known him for years. They’d only met a few weeks ago.

“What are you talking about?”

“What are _you_ talking about?”

“I don’t know where the fuck I am, or why the hell you’re dressed like some kind of stripper clown, or why you’re pretending to have known me for years when I only met your stupid handsome self this month.”

Erwin’s eyes grew wider than Levi had ever seen them, and his grip on Levi’s face became panicked. “Did Hanji do something to you? Did you let her experiment on you again?”

Experiment? Why the fuck would he let her experiment on him?

“Of course not. What are you talking about?”

“Levi. You are a member, and captain of the Survey Corps. Your birthday is December 25th and you’ve slain one hundred and twenty four Titans. You have a 4 inch scar on your left hip because of an equipment malfunction and we’ve been together for almost 14 years. Please tell me that none of this information is new to you.”

Levi gaped at Erwin. If this was a joke than it was the best acted joke in the history of staged drama. Erwin was all rounded horror and knife edge anxiety and it was all leaking into Levi.

“None of it…I recognize none of it. Why are you saying these crazy things to me?”

Pain left Erwin’s throat in the form of a bitten off cry, but he recovered quickly and touched Levi’s face. “Come. Let me take you to Hanji. We’ll sort all of this out. Everything. We’ll fix it, whatever it is. We’ll get your memories back.”

Levi’s panic spiked. “What? No. There’s no memories to retrieve. There’s nothing to fix. _You’re_ the one saying weird things!”

“Levi…Levi it’s okay. We’re not doing anything sudden. Let’s go talk to Hanji. You remember Hanji, right? And me?”

Levi was beginning to suck in breaths too fast. His inhales and exhales were fighting for space, but Erwin’s hands were there.

“shh, shh, it’s okay, Levi. I’m here.”

“Why are you doing this to me?” Levi shouted.

“Levi, please, try to calm down. I won’t do anything you don’t want me to do.”

“What are you wearing? Where am I? What country, what place, what date?”

“I’m wearing the Survey corps uniform. You are too. The date is October 7th, 3206. We’re safe behind Wall Maria in the Survey Corps barracks. Everyone is here with us. Mike, Hanji, Nanaba, and Moblit are all downstairs. They can—“

“Wait, Mike? Mike Zacharias? Your old fiancé?”

“My old…what? Are you sure you haven’t hit your head, Levi? Mike’s with Nanaba. He has been for years.”

“But he’s dead! Mike’s dead!”

“You must have had a nightmare. He’s perfectly fine. He sniffed me just as I walked in. Told me I smelled like military police swine.”

“No. No he was murdered. Nanaba told me—“

“Levi, please, I’m not lying to you. I would never lie to you.”

“Then why did you tell me you were going to leave me and then come back in here and kiss me?”

“I would never leave you. Not ever. That would be like tearing off my right arm. We tried to be separate once, remember? That was a disaster. I would never do that again, I couldn’t ever do it again. I love you, Levi. I’ve loved you forever.”

Levi stopped. The words hit his chest and somehow made it easier to breathe again. His heart was still hammering, but the panic was beginning to ease. He just had to think.

Erwin wasn’t lying to him, at least, he didn’t think he was lying. But the things he was saying were obviously not the truth. None of the words made sense. And then it hit him.

Of course it didn’t make sense. He was dreaming. This was all just a dream induced by the meds he’d no doubt been shot with after he had another freak attack. That’s why it was all so weird.

Levi looked down and found that, just as Erwin said, he too was wearing the strange uniform, and that’s when he finally noticed the symbol on it, and realized why it looked so familiar. It was Erwin’s tattoo. Why something so random would take form in his dream, he didn’t know, but that was the least bizarre thing happening now so he paid it little mind. It was sad, he realized, that the second he’d experienced rejection he’d dreamed up an entire world just to prove Erwin’s words wrong. He’d constructed an alternate reality in his mind where he and Erwin were a long standing couple, even if the world was clearly very weird. The one thing he found curious was why his dream-self had decided to keep Mike alive. Maybe it was because he knew Erwin loved him and hadn’t wanted to deny the man his company. Apparently he wasn’t _that_ selfless though, because he’d conveniently grouped Mike up with Nanaba; but seeing as no one seemed to be suffering with the arrangement, he didn’t let himself feel guilted all that much.

_If this is a dream then why the hell am I wasting it by freaking dream-Erwin out? Stop picking at all the weird details and get on with it. Who knows when you’ll have a chance like this again?_

Levi sucked in a deep breath and forced his mind onto a different track. It was time for some acting. He linked Erwin’s and his fingers together. The little familiar tingles raced up his hand and wrist causing him to shiver. This dream was the realest feeling one he’d ever had. Maybe the drugs were causing it to have that extra tangibility.

Levi blinked and opened his eyes all the way feigning sudden wakefulness.

Erwin sat up straighter. “Levi, are you--”

“What the fuck was I just saying? Shit, don’t ever let me take a nap in the middle of the day again.”

Erwin stared.

Levi sat up and pulled Erwin’s arms around himself. “My brain must have turned off for a second. No idea how that happened.”

“Wait, does that mean you--”

“Remember everything? Of course. I don’t think I was really awake before. Sorry for scaring you, Erwin.”

Erwin was all squinty eyes and crumpled forehead. “Wait, you weren’t…? But--”

Levi realized it would take more than his terrible acting skills to smooth everything over. His heart began to beat wildly when he realized what he was about to do, but he didn’t let that stop him as he leaned forward, pushed his hand into Erwin’s hair, and pressed his lips to the other man’s. As far as kisses went, Levi’s wasn’t all that impressive. It was just dry lips and hesitant love, but it was also the first kiss Levi had ever given that had come voluntarily so it wasn’t too bad for a first attempt.

Erwin’s whole body softened. He squeezed the hand he was holding as he drew away. “Are you sure you’re all right? You really scared me.”

“Of course I am. When am I not all right?”

That was laughable. Levi had spent most of his life being distinctly not all right. But maybe this dream Erwin would buy it.

Erwin chuckled. “I suppose.”

Levi, feeling braver, closed the distance between them again, and found Erwin’s lips. He told himself it was okay to take his time, that Erwin wouldn’t reject his kiss in this dream world, and so now he allowed their mouths to linger together for several seconds. He even sucked Erwin’s bottom lip into his mouth and pulled at it with his teeth, teasing, inviting, waiting for Erwin to kiss him back. And Erwin did. Slowly, with great care, as if handling something perfect. Erwin slid his hands into the molding of Levi’s body, pulling him closer, pulling him inside where everything was warm and safe. His mouth opened to Levi and then things got wet. Erwin’s tongue was almost lazy when it touched Levi’s. And it wasn’t scary. Levi’s heart wasn’t beating in fear, but excitement. When Erwin’s tongue drew back, Levi’s followed it, accepting the invitation to explore the blonde’s mouth, to taste and inhale him like a favorite meal.

Things didn’t stay tentative for long. Soon Erwin’s hold became stronger, fuller. He pulled Levi into his lap and tangled his fingers in his hair. Levi gasped into the man’s mouth, and Erwin kissed him deeper.

_Shit, my dream me is a lucky bastard. God, want to just--fuck, this is..._

To Levi even his thoughts felt like they were gasping. He was quickly losing whatever it was that made his mind an organized coherent place to visit. His body was on fire and he was already embarrassingly and painfully hard. Levi felt a spring of fear when Erwin shifted him and Levi’s erection was pushed directly onto the man’s stomach.

_It’s okay. He’s allowed to feel it. It’s a dream. He knows you like him. He’s not going to freak out._

But even though he knew that, he still felt a river of awe open up in him when, instead of tossing him to the floor in disgust, Erwin let out an appreciative groan and tightened his arms around Levi further. But before Levi could burn out all his circuits, Erwin pushed at his shoulders and broke away with a gasp.

“Fuck, missed you so much, and I want to do this, but maybe we should have Hanji check you out first. I’m still worried that--”

Levi tackled Erwin to the bed and caught Erwin’s mouth again. The sound he let out was embarrassing, obvious, and made him blush deep red, but he wasn’t going to let that stop him. “I’m fine,” he growled around Erwin’s mouth. His next kiss was so savage that he felt Erwin’s lips grow hot beneath his. “Fuck me.”

“But Levi--”

“ _Fuck me_.”

Erwin tensed up for a second and Levi was afraid that that that meant stopping, but he couldn’t have been more wrong. The next second Erwin yanked Levi up by the shirt and slammed their mouths together like he was trying to blow them off by force. Levi gasped his appreciation and dug his fingers into Erwin’s back. “ _Yes…”_

Erwin pushed Levi’s jacket off his shoulders, and, before it had even hit the bedspread, was already flicking open the buttons of Levi’s shirt with the kind of swiftness that could only mean intense amounts of practice.

Levi, of course, was immensely pleased with himself. A flush of victory shot up his body as he rushed to keep up with Erwin’s actions. His fingers found the edges of Erwin’s jacket, but then Erwin pushed his hand onto the skin of Levi’s bare chest, and Levi’s fingers crunched in the fabric instead of pushing the material off the blonde’s shoulders. He gasped again. Everything was so hot, and the breath in his mouth was ragged and he wasn’t sure if it belonged to him or to Erwin. It didn’t really matter, which was good because he was in no state of mind to be making deliberative judgments anyway.

While Levi was panting and having his brain melted, Erwin continued to make progress. He yanked Levi’s cravat off and slid what was left of the shirt off Levi’s shoulders.

_Shit. This is unfair. He needs to be getting naked too._

Levi steeled himself, or attempted to, and tried to make his hands work. Finally he managed to sort of push at Erwin’s jacket. The blonde took the hint and shrugged out of the thing himself--something Levi knew he’d be eternally grateful for. But damn, Erwin was talented because he was already making work of the straps that were _fucking everywhere_.

 _Who the fuck thought these were a good idea?_ Levi thought as Erwin undid buckle after buckle with quick nimble fingers. _How the hell did my sick mind think up these outfits anyway?_

Levi hissed, and his thoughts disappeared as Erwin’s hand brushed along the edge of his clothed erection. Erwin chuckled, the sound low and deep like the lowest note on a piano.

“Sensitive today, huh?”

Erwin stopped his unbuckling and let his hand linger. He let his finger trace the outline of Levi’s erection, and when he finished he slid his palm, large and burning hot, over it. Levi gritted his teeth and tried not to buck up into Erwin’s hand.

“By your reaction you’d think it was an entire year rather than a week since we did this.”

“Please…” Levi rasped. He’d given up on seeming composed the moment Erwin had started kissing him back.

Erwin paused mid inhale. He let go of Levi and pressed a hand to his cheek. “Levi…”

Levi squeezed his eyes shut and gripped Erwin’s shirt with both hands. “Please, just, I want--I really want…”

The truth was, he didn’t just want a single thing. He wanted Erwin to hold him, and to say his name, and kiss all his unwanted parts, and tell him his whole life story, and push himself inside, and touch his hair over and over again, and to just love him like Levi loved him.

Erwin was leaning over Levi suspended on his elbows. Slowly he leaned down and let his weight push them both down into the mattress. Levi groaned and buried his face in Erwin’s shoulder.

Erwin slid his thigh between Levi’s legs, pressing down on his obvious arousal.

“You’re so beautiful, Levi.”

Levi flushed, glad his face was hidden. _How can you even say that when you’re in the room, asshole?_

Erwin began to press kisses to Levi’s neck.

“You’d think that after 14 years together I’d be _happy_ to get away for a little alone time. But no, I have to stay the old sappy pervert until the end. I thought of you the whole time I was away.”

_I did too._

Erwin traced the little bones in the back of Levi’s neck with his index finger. Slowly he began to ease his thigh in and out between Levi’s legs. Levi’s breathing became a fast ragged mess.

“I couldn’t sleep without you, Levi. My arms ached. They were so empty.”

Levi’s heart was going to give out. Part of him was aware that all these things were his own consciousness putting the words into this dreamed up Erwin’s mouth, but the rest of him was still able to revel in the words the blonde was speaking to him.

Erwin stilled his thigh, which was a relief because Levi had thought the vessels in his dick would burst. But then everything got worse when Erwin chose to roll his hips over Levi’s in one smooth powerful motion. Levi choked out a moan, the sound escaping him in his shock. The pleasure Erwin had pushed onto him hit him in the chest like a high caliber bullet.

“You’re loud today,” Erwin noted and scraped his teeth along Levi’s jaw. “Does that mean you missed me too?”

Levi let out a high pitched moan.

_So embarrassing. Thank god this isn’t real._

Erwin’s fingers dug into him sharply. “Shit. I might come if you make that sound again.”

Levi took strength from the words. Growing bolder, he pressed his erection to Erwin’s thigh. The older man hissed, slid his hands lower, and clamped down on Levi’s ass.

“How do you want it today, Levi?”

The way Erwin said his name was obscene, like he was fucking it in his mouth. Levi whimpered. He’d never done that before—had never made any of the sounds he was making tonight. It was because his body had far surpassed anything it was built to handle.

“ _Please_.”

His whole body was shuddering up into Erwin’s touch. The blonde slid his fingers down the crack of Levi’s pants. “Here?” he murmured.

Levi jerked his head in assent and clamped down on Erwin’s shoulders.

_Just hurry. I can’t wait. Not for this. Not when you’re looking at me like that._

Because Erwin’s eyes burned with an intensity that lit all of Levi’s edges on fire. He was embarrassed to say that his entrance throbbed. But Erwin wasn’t done with the questions.

“Do you want my fingers, mouth, cock, or all three?”

Levi’s pupils blew out to the full extent of their capability. He spluttered a bit, but no words left him. Erwin grinned, and it was the most devious look Levi had seen on his face yet. The blonde leaned forward until his lips were just a hairsbreadth away. “What’s the matter Levi?” he whispered. “If you don’t tell me I’ll have to leave your answer up to my own imagination.”

Levi had never been so happy to be gay in his entire life. A sound sort of like “krraaknf” left him. Getting in enough air was still an impossible task and he was pretty sure his erection was twitching.

Erwin’s hands, still on Levi’s ass, began to kneed it with intent. “Do you want to know something filthy?”

Levi gasped in response. Erwin had begun to drag Levi up and down his thigh, shredding his poor erection with friction the likes of which should be reserved solely for the afterlife.

“Yesterday’s meeting was the longest one. It stretched on for hours and hours as various representatives laid out their cases for recruitment requirements. All their speeches began to blur together, and no one was listening, least of all me, because I was too busy fucking you in my head.”

Erwin pushed his hand down the back of Levi’s pants and slid his fingers across the smooth curve of Levi’s ass. His middle finger trailed over the crack and dipped partway into the crevice. Levi knew how dirty asscracks were, even though he tried to keep his own as clean as possible, but something like germs had never seemed less significant to him than in that moment.

“Don’t worry, I let you fuck me too. I gave everything a try. I certainly had enough time for it. But it started to get out of control because things got worse and dirtier and soon I was so hard that I was in danger of ripping right through my pants. So then I got up, excused myself with a crisp excuse of emergency commander business, and then locked myself into the bathroom and masturbated to the thought of you twice in a row.”

That was all Levi’s already overactive mind needed. Erwin was there in his head now sweat drenched with his fly open and thick erection out. That Erwin was pumping himself with hoarse grunts as he brazenly sprawled on top of the toilet seat giving Levi a prime mental view as his pace got faster and faster, bringing him closer to the end and--

Levi shuddered. If his erection hadn’t been twitching before, it was certainly doing so now. He’d never come from his thoughts alone before, but he knew that today was going to be a day of firsts. He had to try to find some way to hold out without letting his brain explode, but Erwin wouldn’t give him a chance. His fingers slid deeper and then brushed over Levi’s entrance.

“Fuck!” Levi hissed. He was now clamping down on Erwin’s shoulders so hard that his fingers were bone white. He could feel his entrance twitching with the need to pull Erwin inside. He needed everything. Erwin’s lips, his fingers, his arms, his need, _everything_. But Erwin _still_ wasn’t done. He let one of his hands crawl to Levi’s front. It dipped into the space between Levi’s legs and gripped him there.

“And what about you, _captain_? Did you take care of this while I was gone, or were you waiting for me to come back and spoil you?

Levi pushed himself up into Erwin’s hand, but Erwin shook his head and pulled back. He was waiting for his answer.

“Didn’t touch it,” he gasped.

“Impressive.”

“Wanted it to be you.”

“And why’s that?”

Erwin’s hands resumed their motions. They yanked off Levi’s pants in one strong tug. Levi’s erection sprang free in a motion embarrassingly similar to a jack in the box. This was possible because, apparently, he wasn’t wearing any underwear, which was news to him.

It was news to Erwin too. The blonde’s eyes lit up and the sexiest smile curved the man’s lips.

“You filthy little thing. Wanted one less layer to take off, huh? I certainly appreciate the time saving gesture, Levi.”

Levi bit down on his lip, but it didn’t stop the groan from escaping him. When Erwin said in name in that tone it honestly made him feel like he’d lose it. He felt his freed erection twitch. He refused to look at it, but felt something leak out of the tip.

Levi wanted to give the man a smart ass answer. He didn’t like feeling this helpless to his lust. It was too overwhelming, and his brain had long since jumped ship. As a result his brain could only think of hugely embarrassing things to say.

“Please. _Please.”_

How many times would he beg? How many times _could_ he do it before he fell apart completely?

Erwin pulled Levi onto his lap and tugged the smaller man’s arms around himself.

“Don’t worry, Levi. I’ve got you. I’ll take care of everything.”

Levi’s erection was pushed against the crisp material of Erwin’s white shirt. Despite his debilitating lust, Levi couldn’t help feeling bad that he was leaking sex juice all over the think. Erwin didn’t seem to mind though, he was pressing little sexy biting kisses to the sensitive skin at the base of Levi’s neck before licking over the little wounds soothingly. “I promise, so relax.”

Levi pushed his face into Erwin’s neck and groaned. The blonde wrapped his arms around him and pressed kisses to Levi’s jaw. He was rocking gently beneath Levi causing perfect tantalizing friction against his erection. “Did something happen while I was gone? I’ve never seen you like this before. Like if we don’t make love now you’ll fall apart.”

Levi wanted to scream. That was it. That was exactly it. And it was all because of Erwin, because he said he’d leave.

Levi took two handfuls of Erwin’s shirt and ripped it open, careless of the material as buttons snapped off and scattered on the floor and bedspread. “I can’t talk about it.”

Erwin caught Levi’s hands and pulled them to his chest. “Levi…”

“I can’t! Not now. Not like this. I just want to be with you right now. That’s all I want.”

Erwin caught Levi’s chin in his hand and kissed him deep taking the time to thoroughly touch Levi’s heart through his mouth.

“That’s all I _ever_ want,” Erwin gasped as he pulled away. He kissed Levi again several times, each kiss hard, quick, and urgent. He sat up and pulled Levi with him, placing him in his lap as he slipped his hand back down to Levi’s ass. His strong hot fingers smoothed over his crack and then just the tip of one of his fingers slipped inside. It had been so long since anyone had entered Levi. He thought he’d flinch and yank himself away. But maybe it was because he thought it was a dream, or, more likely, because it was Erwin, Levi shivered and even pushed back against the finger.

“You want me inside?” Erwin hissed as Levi ground down on the man with his hips. Erwin was hard too, and his erection was the most glorious thing Levi had ever felt against his own.

“Yeah, hurry up. After fourteen years you should be a little quicker, huh?”

His words managed to come off sounding nonchalant, but inside his heart was doing the Macarena.

_I want sex. I, Levi asshole crazy germnut Ackerman, want sex, and I want it so bad I’m willing to climb through several thousand piles of trash just to give Erwin access to my asshole right now. And that has never fucking happened in the history of my forever._

Erwin laughed. “You’d think with all the practice we’ve had I’d manage; But you forget that I’m an old man. Slow and steady is the only way I can do things.”

“I don’t believe that.”

Erwin trailed his fingers down the younger man’s chest. Levi hissed as the man’s fingers brushed his nipples. “And why’s that?” Erwin asked, confidence oozing out of him as he tilted Levi back onto the bed and pulled the smaller man’s legs over his shoulders. Levi’s whole body flushed with embarrassment as he was spread out before Erwin like the morning sunrise.

“Because I know what you’re capable of,” Levi gasped. Erwin’s eyes fucked Levi many times over in a single second as he raked him over taking everything in.

Erwin reached down and wrapped a strong and pulsing hand around Levi’s length. The smaller man let out a shocked and airless gasp as he bucked on the bed.

“Congratulations, Levi,” Erwin murmured and twisted his hand down Levi’s length.

The moan Levi let out was sharp and high, nearly forcing an orgasm out of him with just that single bout of friction.

_Gonna lose it. Gonna lose it so fucking fast if he keeps this up._

“I thought I was coming in here to make love to you, but you’ve gone and changed that,” Erwin said. He shoved two fingers from his unoccupied hand into Levi’s open and gasping mouth, and then pulled them out letting strings of saliva connect them before trailing the fingers down Levi’s jawline. “You’ve gotten your wish. And now I’m going to fuck you raw.”

A shudder ripped and twisted its way through Levi and his legs, draped as they were over Erwin, trembled. He knew that if he tried to move his body, which had turned to quivering jelly, wouldn’t have been able to support him. But he didn’t have to worry about that, because there was no chance, even in the deepest most sweat inducing parts of hell, would he ever try to get away from the position he was in now.

Quickly, but without panic, Erwin shucked off his shirt and reached for Levi. But even though Levi was more distracted than he’d ever been in his life, he was able to take sharp notice of Erwin’s body, and the differences it carried, and how much those differences made him want to cream himself.

“Holy shit,” Levi hissed, and smacked the blonde’s hands away before they could reach him. his legs thunked off of the man’s shoulders, and he scrambled to sit up. “Where the fuck...I mean _how_ the fuck did you fucking…”

Levi stopped trying. He didn’t have the words to describe what he was seeing now. He took several deep breaths because he was afraid he would pass out from the unholy sight.

“Erwin…”

Levi pressed a hand to Erwin’s stomach where the single most beautiful set of eight pack abs ever to grace any of his dreams existed.

“You are so. fucking. jacked. Holy shit.”

Those words didn’t do enough to express his awe, but they would have to do because he was too distracted to think of any others. His Erwin, the nurse, the one he knew and loved, the one who’d cared for him and helped him escape from his dangerous levels of germ phobia, had been a beautiful man. Levi could spend all day admiring him and not get bored. But right now he left guilty because even though that Erwin had had a damn beautiful body, this Erwin had muscles that didn’t even seem possible. His entire torso looked like an artist had taken an axe to a slab of marble and hacked lines into it. The muscles were so sharp and _there_ that they seemed bionic. But as Levi’s hand touched them he felt the moving warmth of human life. They were real and they were so fucking hot that Levi had to close his eyes to regain control of his breathing. He needed to not be distracted right now because it was imperative that he burn the image of those muscles into his mind forever. He needed utmost concentration just the process the fact that muscles like that could be pictured at all, so he certainly didn’t need Erwin’s voice at that moment when he said, “Jacked? What does that mean?”

Levi blinked his eyes open and stared at Erwin blankly, making sure to only look at the man’s face so he wouldn’t be overwhelmed again. “Are you kidding?”

“Hey, I’m an old man, remember? When it comes to slang I’m useless.”

Levi’s eyes flicked downward and then he was lost again. He pounced on top of Erwin, knocking the man back onto the mattress. “It means Ripped. Dieseled. Buff. Tanked. Built like a goddamn train. Shit! Where did you get these fucking muscles?”

Levi’s hands were everywhere and yet not there enough. He wished he had more fingers just so he could have more to touch. But once again Erwin interrupted him, this time with laughter. He caught Levi’s hands and flipped their positions so that Levi landed on his back and Erwin was the one gazing down at him. “What are you talking about? I’ve had the same body since you met me.”

Nope. No. That was a lie. A terrible mind blowing lie. Because Levi knew he would _definitely_ remember seeing abs like that before. The choking sound coming from his throat did a good job in demonstrating that disbelief.

Erwin laughed again and tugged Levi’s hips back into his lap. “Are you really going to act impressed by my body when you’ve got your own just lying there like god’s gift to handsome blonde commanders?”

Levi glanced down at his own body, and then did a slashing double take as the craziest set of abs stared back at him. There was no way he was that buff. Even at his height as a performing martial artist he hadn’t looked like this. He couldn’t imagine the sort of daily regimen it would take to get a body like that. He slapped his hands down onto his own abs.

“What the fuck? When did I get this hot?”

Erwin yanked Levi’s chin up and gave him an obscene kiss that was all tongue and hot breath. “Believe me,” he said in a heavy smoky voice after he pulled back a notch. “You’ve always been the hottest damn thing I’ve ever laid eyes on.”

Levi forced himself to meet those deeply fuckable eyes head on.

“You don’t have to try too hard to lay on the smooth lines you know. I’m already going to let you fuck me.”

Erwin smoothed his hands up Levi’s thighs and gripped his hips. “Well then I guess I shouldn’t waste time then, should I?”

And that’s when Erwin slammed Levi back onto the bed, pinned the smaller man’s wrists to the mattress, bent down and promptly pushed Levi’s still standing erection into his mouth.

 _Holy shitting fuck!_ Levi’s mind screamed. It had to be a mental scream, because when Erwin’s wet and heavy tongue was pressed flat to the underside of Levi’s length, Levi lost all capability for human speech. Erwin’s mouth was a hot wet heaving cavern and Levi couldn’t have done anything to prepare for it if he tried. That’s why his hand grabbed a handful of Erwin’s hair and yanked the man back. The blonde’s mouth slid off Levi’s erection with a pop, causing it to land back on Levi’s stomach with a wet slap. Erwin looked up at Levi with glistening and cheeky lips. “Is there a problem?”

Of course there was a fucking problem. Levi’s heart had slammed too hard against his ribcage and exploded. He was pretty damn sure he was clinically dead and these were his last moments left on earth.

“You trying to make me come in just three fucking seconds you useless asshole?”

Erwin’s eyes twinkled. He licked a wet stripe up the inside of Levi’s thigh. “Maybe.”

Levi scrambled back away from that dangerous mouth. “No! You said I could have whatever I wanted, and I said I wanted you inside of me. You can’t end it before that. If I lose it because of your stupid talented _illegal_ mouth—“

“Who said you’re limited to one orgasm, Levi?” Erwin asked, and clamped his hand back down on Levi’s hip before the smaller man could put any more distance between them. “That must have been a misunderstanding, because my plan has always been to make you come so many times you can’t see anything but bright spots of light.

The blonde’s hands slid over Levi’s hips to grasp his erection with both hands, not leaving even half an inch of dick any freedom. Levi made a sound not unlike a tea kettle.

“Stop,” he gasped, but it was a useless word he couldn’t possibly have met, because he bucked his hips up into Erwin’s grip and wrapped his arms tightly around the blonde’s neck to pull them closer together.

Levi’s body was on fire, and the source of that fire was his inflamed and clearly ecstatic dick that had never, in all the years Levi had been acquainted with it, shown this enthusiastic a reaction to anything.

Erwin began to pump his hands, twisting along Levi’s shaft and dragging the most inhuman noises out of the smaller man. Levi’s eyes were squeezed so tightly that little dots of color were flashing behind his eyelids, and his whole body was spasming.

“Wait,” he gasped as his body threw itself headlong toward a desperately approaching orgasm. “Not like…I want it to be inside the first time. I need you inside.”

Erwin slammed their bodies together chest to chest. The incredible sensation of bare skin to bare skin set off shivery sparks everywhere. One of the blonde’s hands supported Levi, crushing him close, but the other was still jammed between their bodies with a tight grip on Levi’s erection. “I can give you a quick release, and then we can take the next steps slower, without driving you crazy. That’s the way we usually—“

“I don’t care.” The words would have been snapped if he’d had the air for it. As it stood it was barely voiced as a gasp. “Please, I want you inside. Want to feel you, to be with you.”

_Before I lose the chance forever._

Because there was no part of Levi that thought he would have this again. And he was afraid, so afraid, that as soon as he orgasmed he’d wake up and then everything would be over. No. Before that point he had to join himself fully with Erwin. He wouldn’t let himself be torn away before that. Not if he could help it. He grasped Erwin’s wrist and tugged the man’s hand away. The gesture was astoundingly impressive to him. He didn’t think he had the wherewithal to pull Erwin’s hand away from his dick, but he surprised himself with his strength more and more every day. However, even though he knew Erwin had helped him, over the past few weeks, to reach inside himself and pull out strength he hadn’t known he had, he also knew that it was his desperation that was largely responsible for his ability to pull Erwin away. Gripping the man’s wrist tightly, Levi peeled their chests off each other and leaned back. Gently he guided Erwin’s hand back until it was resting on Levi’s ass. Then he slid the fingers of Erwin’s hand to his crack.

“Here. I need you in here.”

He looked up at Erwin with pleading eyes, but he should have known the man wouldn’t take much convincing. He’d always done everything that Levi needed.

Erwin’s eyes melted and then he scooped Levi up with unbearable tenderness.

“Of course.” He brushed a whisper against Levi’s lips. “Everything of mine is yours.”

He kissed Levi again, and then again, love spilling from his lips and everywhere as his hands raomed all of Levi’s body, massaging it and thrilling it and giving it all the need and attention it was dying for.

“Hurry,” Levi urged, squirming in Erwin’s arms and shoving back against his hand. “I need you.”

He found one of Erwin’s fingers and pushed it into himself, gasping at the precious invasion. “Really need you.”

Erwin moaned. It was a deep, rumbling, and needy sound. But he didn’t give into it. Instead Erwin slipped the finger back out of Levi and whispered, “Wait. Let me do it properly. Just give me a second. Just one, my Levi.”

Levi shuddered as Erwin raked his hand through his hair, and then Erwin pulled back, and stretched his long body across the bed to reach the nightstand. He jerked the top drawer open and fumbled inside, unwilling to let go of Levi completely in order to look properly.

Levi felt both hot and warm all over. He burrowed into Erwin, twisting his body around the man’s and pressed his mouth to the man’s neck. He sucked kisses onto the plane of skin, marveling at his love and desire for the smooth expanse.

 _I’ll touch and kiss everywhere_.

Levi knew that the germs had no power over him now. no part of Erwin seemed repulsive to him. No act would be unwelcome. He didn’t even care that his own dick germs were on the man’s lips, he just wanted to kiss them again.

_I’ll show him how I feel. He’ll know it. I have that power now. I can give this wonderful and precious man everything I have._

Erwin retrieved his hand, and in it was a small bottle of oil. Levi let out a soft cry of encouragement and scrambled to lie back and give Erwin all the access he needed.

“Here,” he gasped, guiding Erwin’s hand back down to his entrance. “Don’t need much prep. I don’t care if it burns. Want to feel you already.”

“Shh…” Erwin soothed, giving Levi’s thigh a gentle squeeze as he ripped open the bottle’s top with his teeth. “You know I need to do it properly. I will never let anyone, including me—especially me--ever hurt you.”

He lifted the hand from Levi’s thigh and stroked his face. “I love you.”

Levi wanted to say it back, he opened his mouth to say it back, but at that moment something horrible happened. Erwin upended the bottle over his awaiting palm and squeezed—but nothing came out. Erwin gave the small bottle a good shake, and tried again, but the bottle only gave the swift whoosh of empty air.

“Shit,” Erwin hissed. “It’s empty.”

Levi groaned. “Who the fuck cares. Use your spit or whatever. Just get the hell inside me already.”

“No.”

“Erwin!”

“I have another bottle in the bathroom.”

“Don’t you dare leave.”

“It’ll only take one second.”

Erwin bent down and stole a kiss. “Be right back,” he promised. His lips found Levi’s again. It was so hard to keep from going mad and just consuming the blonde’s face.

Erwin slid toward the edge of the bed, but Levi clamped his hand down on the man’s wrist. “No. Don’t. You can’t.”

Erwin kissed the hand holding his wrist. “I’ll come back. I always come back.”

He stole one last kiss. This one lingered and throbbed and touched everything soft inside of Levi.

“Just one moment,” Erwin said. “I’ll make it worth it.”

And then he slipped off of the bed and crossed the room. Levi drew breath into his lungs—the first semi effective inhale since all this had started—and watched Erwin’s gorgeous toned ass leave the room. His lips curved into a smile.

“Erwin!” he called out feeling with full confidence the words that were going to pass his lips. “I—“

A pang and a weird whooshing feeling in his head and stomach.

“I lo—“

The room blurred and the colors began to be sucked into a center point. His head began to spin. Faster and faster and the floor was tiling up.

“I love—“

But it was too late. He couldn’t even blink and the world was sucked away. Levi felt the strangest sensation of traveling at light speed while floating around moving nowhere at all. Panic seized him and he stretched out both arms in the direction Erwin had been in, but there was nothing, but rushing air, as he fell back back back—

\--

Levi’s eyes flew open as his brain fell back into his mind with an almost audible thud. He jerked up in bed with a gasp and whipped his eyes around the room in a desperate search.

His Erwin…he had to get back to him—he would be back in a second. Just one, he’d promised.

Levi’s eyes jerked to a halt as they screeched across the figure by his bed.

It was _his_ bed, he realized. The one in the center. He was back there with its bright fluorescent lighting and smell of ammonia and little pile of hospital booties stacked on the side table, and there, fast asleep in a chair beside the bed, was none other than his Erwin.

IT was the Erwin he knew, the one in the scrubs. The one who had helped Levi climb barriers in his sickness he had thought insurmountable before. Levi wanted to jerk forward and throw himself on top of the man with a sharp cry of relief, but something stopped him.

There were drying tear tracks on Erwin’s face. No tears were there now, but the traces of them remained in twin paths from Erwin’s eyes down his cheeks. The man had been crying before he’d fallen asleep. Maybe he’d even cried in his sleep. Levi didn’t know for how long, but he did know why. It was because of him. Of course it was. He had done nothing but hurt and scare and bother the man who sat so loyally by his side.

Levi stretched out his hands, and, taking care not to rustle the bed sheets, he cupped Erwin’s face in his hands. The man didn’t stir. His skin was still slightly warm with fever.

The other world had been a dream. Of course it had. And like all dreams, it had come to an end. But Levi wasn’t sorry to be back here. The world he lived in held people that were of utmost importance to him. Somewhere in the center was Hanji who he probably owed an apology too. And somewhere out there was Petra too. Levi had to get to her before Hanji could freak her out too much. He must have had another attack. He’d screwed stuff up again, but he was going to do damage control this time. He was sick of other people cleaning up his messes.

And then there was Erwin. The man who’d only just broken his heart in his attempt to put it back together again. Levi brushed his thumb over the man’s lips. He understood where the man was coming from. He understood the struggle of wanting to remain an uncompromised figure of help, as well as understanding the guilt Erwin must be feeling because of his obligation toward the addiction center. But Levi also knew that he wanted none of that stuff to matter. Why did those things have to have power when things felt so perfect when they sat together like this and let the moments just be?

\--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ho.lee.shit guys. So glad to be back *cracks knuckles* this chapter was a bit of a doozy, huh? Hope nobody's too thrown by the reincarnation element I threw in and can't seem to avoid. I just love canonverse eruri so much. Go ahead and shoot me. I also did it because I wanted to give you some smut without really giving you smut so that Levi's still a poor shmuck pining away.  
> Note: no matter how much porn I write I still find it kind of difficult to do, so I hope it came out all right. (and dang, I can never keep my porn short either. I think it's my curse. I just love slow building hot sex and I can't avoid it.  
> note number two: this fic is going to be hella long. I feel so bad for you people (also for myself for thinking of these stupid long fics that sap all my life force away with their length)  
> note number three: Can you say backstory? We're going to be seeing lots more of that soon.  
> note number four: as always I love love love you all to bits. Thanks so much for your patience and messages I love getting your support and seeing how much you look forward to the new chapers makes me all happy and glow-y inside.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Talk about a huge chapter, holy shit. I thought about splitting it into two, but decided, you know what? Your readers can handle this much angst. At least, I hope so.

Chapter 11:

Levi felt a muscle shift in Erwin’s jaw, and quickly drew his hands back. He leaned back down on his pillow just in time to look completely innocent as Erwin lifted a hand to rub at his eyes.

“…Levi?” he mumbled, still half sleeping as he tried to blink himself awake.

Levi felt his stomach make happy squishing noises as he took in the adorable image of Erwin struggling to wake up. The man reminded him more and more of a giant Labrador puppy every day. But then Erwin’s eyes flashed and he jerked up, now totally alert as he reached forward and grasped Levi’s hand that was lying atop the bed sheet.

“Levi. How are you feeling? Are your panic levels okay? Do you need me to call—“

Levi squeezed Erwin’s hand and the blonde stopped talking. Erwin was the one looking panicked, not him. His heart contracted at that, and he realized that all he wanted in that moment was _not_ to beg Erwin to stay or to demand a kiss, but to reassure him so that the man would be all right.

“I’m sorry I worried you. I don’t even remember what happened after we left the elevator, and I know that means that my freak attack must have been really scary. I’m sorry I did that to you.”

Erwin stared. It took several moments for him to process exactly what Levi had said, but then his eyes widened and his forehead crumpled and for one terrifying moment Levi thought the man would start crying again. But he didn’t. Instead he reached over and pushed his hand through Levi’s hair. Levi let his eyes flutter closed to revel in the emotion behind the touch. There was sincere caring there, Levi knew, but that just made the fact that Erwin was going to leave harder. Because Erwin was still leaving. Levi saw a lot of things in Erwin’s eyes: pain, self-loathing, regret, but a lack of conviction wasn’t one of them. Levi pushed his cheek up into the touch.

“What am I going to do without you?”

Levi meant that as a rhetorical question (and one he shouldn’t have even voiced aloud at that).

Erwin let his fingers slide out Levi’s hair and let them trail down the side of his face as he answered.

“I think I should be asking that question.”

That bothered Levi a little. Because there was no way the separation would hurt Erwin as much as it did him. Erwin hadn’t just seen what a life together would have looked like. He hadn’t seen them fourteen years down the line, and he hadn’t seen the way that other Erwin looked at him, like Levi himself had given every star in the night sky its fire.

Levi’s fear of being separated, and his eternal fear of rejection, had kick started his panic attack. But it was seeing _that_ face, and everything they could have had if only they’d just let it happen, that was going to kill him in the long run.

But Erwin didn’t know about the dream. It wasn’t his fault that he couldn’t understand. Levi wanted to tell him about it, because he wanted to express his awe and appreciation that someone else could love him in so deep and complete a way. He’d thought only Hanji was able to do that because she was a weirdo and there was probably something wrong with her that made her able to love him so much, but that dream Erwin had shown that kind of deep and irreplaceable love too, and Levi had been so happy that it had existed even if it had only been for a few minutes. But no, he couldn’t tell Erwin that. Firstly because he wouldn’t be able to tell it over properly. There had been something undeniably real about that dream. It had been the most lucid and tangible one he’d ever had. But also he couldn’t tell Erwin because he knew it would only make the man feel worse, and the decision he was determined to make harder.

“I want to try and convince you otherwise,” Levi said. He laid his hand atop of Erwin’s—the one that was still resting on his cheek. “I want to tell you about how unnecessary this is, and how you aren’t damaging like you think you are. But I know it won’t do any good.”

Levi turned his face and pressed a kiss to the center of Erwin’s hand. A strangled half sob sound wrenched itself out of Erwin’s chest, but by the time Levi’s eyes flicked upward to check on the man, Erwin had already put his facial features back under control.

“You’re right,” Erwin said, voice hoarse. He wasn’t able to hide everything. “You won’t convince me.”

Though the hand on Levi’s face was still, he could see that Erwin’s other hand, the one on the man’s lap, had a slight tremor to it. The blonde was good at controlling himself, maybe the best that Levi had ever seen, but Levi could still recognize a man on the brink of losing it. And that’s why he pushed aside some of his bedcovers, slid himself to the edge of the bed and spread his arms open.

Erwin fell into them. He didn’t even bother trying to restrain himself from it, and that was a bigger sign than anything else. Levi felt his heart twist and slide deeper into himself as Erwin buried his face in Levi’s neck. Now it wasn’t just the man’s single hand that was shaking.

“I know you love it here,” Levi whispered. For some reason he felt like if he talked too loud something terrible would happen. “So I’m going to make sure to work as hard as I can to get out of here so you can feel comfortable coming back. I’m going to get better Erwin. I promise. You’ve helped me to the point where I can stand up and take the rest of the steps myself. And I’ll do it. I promise I will. So don’t look at me with that fear. I’m going to get out of here, and when I do, I’m going to be stronger.”

He gave Erwin a reassuring squeeze.

“Strong enough to handle anything. And then I’m going to come after you. And when you see how incredibly I’ve grown, and how handsome my new self-control and confidence make me, you’re going to fall terribly in love with me and rip my clothes off within three seconds of meeting me again.”

Erwin laughed, and it was a sound that punched out of him—that needed to come out of him. But he didn’t let go of Levi. The arms around him got tighter.

“You better.”

Levi snorted, a sound far more confident than how he actually felt. “Of course I will. Oh, and just by the way, don’t think I’m not going to take advantage of you just because you didn’t feel like taking advantage of me. When I get out of here and you become a lovesick puppy I’m going to do whatever the hell I want.”

Erwin lifted his head and rested it against Levi’s forehead. “That sounds fun.”

“You can bet your toned ass that it will be.”

“I’ll look forward to it then.”

“Just make sure not to pine for me too hard. Your old man heart won’t be able to take it.

Erwin didn’t kiss him, and Levi knew he wasn’t going to, but he still felt an ache when the blonde pulled away without brushing his lips across Levi’s skin or lips. Erwin stood up, and this time he wasn’t trembling anywhere.

“I’ll get you some water to flush the meds out of you,” he said, sounding much more like his usual perfect self as he walked over to the small table. He picked up a closed bottle of water and tossed it over to Levi. But the smaller man only took a couple of swigs before holding out the bottle for the other man. “You too,” he mumbled looking down at the bedspread. It wasn’t a very interesting pattern, just a series of light blue boxes, but he pretended it was. “I don’t need your crying ass getting dehydrated or anything.”

Erwin let out an embarrassed laugh and swiped at his face, which didn’t do anything. “Shit. You noticed that?”

“I obsess over germs for a living. I notice everything.”

Erwin took the bottle and drained the rest of it. Levi watched the man’s throat muscles work and for one split second his mind superimposed the man in front of him with an image of the other Erwin, the same throat muscles working as he sucked Levi’s erection into his mouth. Levi jumped and slapped a hand against his face to remove the image, but it didn’t want to leave so easily. He shook his head to dislodge it, but that didn’t work either. The Erwin in his mind was flushed with lust and his hands were on Levi’s thighs spreading them wider in order to get better access, and to let Levi see _exactly_ all the ways he planned to ruin him. Levi groaned, and then felt a hand on his shoulder.

“You okay?” Erwin asked, forehead creased. “Did the meds give you a headache?”

“Er…something like that,” Levi said, quickly looking around for something to change the subject. He spotted the bathroom light. “I think I’ll use the bathroom.”

But when he lifted the bed sheet the rest of the way in order to climb out of bed he realized he had a major problem. He was wearing an undershirt and a pair of pajama bottoms—exactly what he’d been wearing before, and that wasn’t the problem. The ginormous horrible problem was the fact that there was a wet spot on the front of his pants and it could only have come from one thing. Levi let the bed sheet fall back into place with the kind of lightning speed reflex humans usually only have when they accidentally touch something that’s 400 degrees.

_Shit. This is all that fucking dream’s fault, which means it’s all Erwin’s fault. Which means I’m totally going to kill the bastard for this just as soon as I figure out how to get passed the man and into new clothes without the idiot seeing the giant fucking wet cum stain on my pants._

Levi wasn’t as good at Erwin at masking his expressions, so naturally Erwin grew even more alarmed when he saw the look of pure terror on the smaller man’s face.

“What is it, Levi?” Erwin asked. He took several steps closer, but Levi thrust a panicked hand out to stop him.

“Don’t come any closer!”

Erwin bit his lip, but stopped. “Do you need me to call someone else?”

“No! Nobody else! Shit, um, could you maybe turn around for a few seconds?”

Levi knew he didn’t have the brains to get him out of this situation without being really fucking obvious, but so be it.

Erwin’s beautiful eyebrows crinkled together. “What…?”

“Just do it. I swear there’s nothing wrong with me. I mean, nothing that’ll kill me. So just—just fucking turn around, god damn it. I promise I won’t do anything shady.”

“You’re scaring me.”

Levi groaned. Every form of Erwin was suspicious of him today.

“Just fucking…what do I have to say to make you just turn around for a couple of seconds?”

“Uh…probably nothing because you’re acting weird as fuck and I’m afraid you’re going to try to do something really stupid. But you can try for an explanation. That might convince me.”

Levi felt his face flush red which was _really_ a dead giveaway, and his embarrassment was making him so pissed at the beautiful man in front of him that he wanted to rip off his shirt and throw it at the man.

“I’m not explaining shit.”

“Well then I’m not turning around.”

“Why the fuck not?”

“Because I’ve learned, in this facility, that a hell of a lot can go down in a single second of lax observation. I’ve had my wallet stolen, my eyebrows nearly set on fire, a dick whipped in my face, an ice cube put down my pants, a patient jumping on my back demanding a piggy back ride, and several threats to shave me bald and use the hair to make a voodoo doll—and those are all things that happened just _yesterday_.”

Levi blinked. The list was pretty impressive.

“And I know,” Erwin continued (as if that wasn’t enough), “that with your considerable strength and speed, that you would have no problem pulling any of that crap, or considerably worse. Besides, your body is probably still unstable because of the meds and I don’t want you to fall and hurt yourself.”

Levi sighed. He had a feeling that the last reason was the _real_ reason that Erwin refused to listen to him. He looked at the other man and felt the kind of mix of aggravation and love that he felt quite often toward Hanji. There was no helping it. He’d have to do something he really hated—tell the truth. Levi looked back down at his bedspread. He was starting to hate the thing.

“I…may or may not have a dick issue right now so just FUCKING TURN AROUND HOLY SHIT WHY DO YOU MAKE ME SAY EMBARRASSING SHIT LIKE THIS ALL THE DAMN TIME. _FUCK_.”

Levi spat the words out with his eyes shut, crossed his arms over his chest, and breathed heavily while he waited for Erwin’s reaction. He cracked his eyes open and found the man staring at him, blinking rather quickly.

_Say something already idiot. Don’t just stand there._

“Oh.”

Well that wasn’t very much of a reaction.

“ _Oh._ ” Erwin repeated with a hell of a lot more emphasis.

Levi clapped his hand over his face. “Yeah…”

“I didn’t, I mean, I actually was worried. I wasn’t trying to be a dick on purpose.”

“Just fucking turn around.”

Of course Erwin never made it easy for him.

“I can leave and come back later—“

“Just two fucking seconds. That’s all I’m asking for asshole. Just enough time to grab a new pair of pants. So turn the fuck—“

“Shit. It’s _that_ kind of problem.”

“What the hell kind of problem did you think I was talking about?”

“I thought you’d just gotten a hard on from the sound of my voice.”

“You’re not that fucking sexy, Erwin.”

“Now I’m offended.”

“ _Turn around._ ”

“I can’t believe I was sitting there worrying the fuck out of myself and you were lying there having a wet dream.”

“Hey it’s not _my_ fault. I can’t choose when to have inappropriate dreams.”

“So you remember the dream?”

“If you don’t turn around, I’m going to come over there and make you wish you’d never opened a smart mouth to me.”

“Is your defensiveness and anger a hint that said dream was about me?”

“FUCK OFF!”

Levi didn’t expect Erwin’s reaction. He expected him to look smug or to laugh. Instead the man raised his hand to his face, went a couple of shades paler and whispered. “Shit…”

And now Levi was stuck being too flustered and not angry enough and strangely and horrifically turned on. He knew that if he got another erection just from this crap he’d have no choice but to throw himself out the window to put himself out of his misery.

Erwin finally turned around. He walked to the piles of clothes on the small table to dig around for a pair of pants. “Don’t tell me about it,” he said, his usual nonchalance a thing of the past.

Levi was discovering deeper and deeper depths of embarrassment. “I wasn’t planning to, asshole.”

“Good. I can’t handle stuff like that if I’m going to leave.”

Erwin closed his hands over a pair of dark jeans and swiveled around. Levi took one look at Erwin’s flustered face and blurted out something really bad.

“So if I tell you about it then you’ll stay?”

Erwin’s expression cracked and then fell and his hand crumpled the jeans he was holding. “Levi…”

Levi clapped both hands over his face this time, completely obscuring it. “Sorry. Sorry. I’m not trying to make you do anything. I’m being an idiot.”

He heard Erwin come closer, and he wished, he wished so hard for Erwin’s hands, for Erwin to pull him into his arms and tell him it was all going to be okay. But then he heard a low creak, and when he opened his eyes again he saw that Erwin was sitting back down on the chair beside the bed, pants still in one hand while he massaged his temples with the other.

“I feel trapped, Levi. I hate this feeling.”

Levi didn’t speak. He barely even breathed. Erwin looked up and met his eyes, and Levi hated the pain he saw there.

“I knew. I fucking knew as soon as I kissed you in that damn elevator that I’d just done the stupidest thing I could have ever done. I should’ve just taken you to your evaluation. I should have let you have your day and not spilled my fucking guts like that when I was in no fit state to control my emotions. If I’d waited until I was more composed then maybe I could have told you I was leaving without causing your panic attack, but I didn’t. I screwed up. I hurt you. And it’s because it is so _fucking_ hard to hold myself back around you.”

Erwin looked down, realized he was still holding Levi’s jeans, and dropped them onto the bed.

“Sorry,” he mumbled, nodding to the crumpled mess.

Levi still wasn’t really breathing. Erwin sighed.

“I have to go. It’s so obvious that I have to go. I just wish—like, sincerely fucking wish—that I hadn’t done this to you right before hand. I’m going to be worried as piss for days after I leave because of how vulnerable and confused I’ve gone and made you now.”

“I’m not confused.”

Levi only realized he’s opened his mouth after the words had already left him.

“I’m not. I know exactly what I want.”

More pain in Erwin’s eyes.

“Please, Levi. Let’s not do this. Let’s not make it worse.”

“It’s already worse. It’s already so fucking bad.”

“We can do this. We’re two grown ass men. We can—“

“You didn’t see the fucking dream I had, Erwin. Don’t tell me I can handle this.”

Now Levi was breathing _too_ hard. He couldn’t seem to keep the balance right. Erwin reached out his hand, but then snatched it back before it could touch Levi’s skin. Levi wanted to smack the man out of his chair.

“I can imagine…”

“No!”

Levi smacked the bedspread like a petulant five year old child.

“No, you don’t understand! You don’t know how you looked at me in that dream! You don’t know what it’s like for somebody to look at me that way. Like I matter the fucking most. Like my existence is what brightens their whole fucking day.”

“Levi—“

“Like I’m something _whole_. Like I’m not a vulnerable fucking patient that’s going to _snap_.”

“Levi, please, I don’t—“

“Like I’m something worth loving!”

Levi grabbed the pants with one furious hand and slid off the bed with one angry shove. He stormed to the bathroom and slammed the door. That was as far as his anger got him. The other emotions were too strong. He just managed to click the lock in with shaking fingers before he slid down until he was a hunched little puddle. He hadn’t washed the floor yet today, but the germs could go fuck themselves.

_Why are you doing this to him? You’re the one who’s messed up his life now. He was fine before you came along. Why are you lashing out at him? Punishing him? Is this your stupid version of trying to end things yourself, to throw people away first so that it feels like your choice and not a rejection? If so, you’re stupid as shit and deserve everything coming to you._

Levi pressed his face into his knees and tried not to shake. There was a gentle knock on the door. Levi didn’t move. He couldn’t open it. He couldn’t let Erwin see how pathetic he was. He didn’t want to hurt anyone anymore. He was tired of that. He was tired of everything.

“It’s _because_ you’re worth so much, Levi.”

Erwin’s voice was hoarse, and Levi begged with his whole mind to make sure the man didn’t start crying again.

“It’s because you _do_ brighten every day. And because you are whole—so fucking whole that you seem realer than anyone else. And because you’re so strong and fierce and loyal. It’s because of all those things that I have to leave. Because if I don’t I’m going to hate myself. And if I don’t I’m going to end up doing all the things I want to do, but shouldn’t. I have to go because I can’t see you without me in the picture anymore.”

Levi lifted his head. He scrubbed at his face and stood up. He pulled down his pants, kicked them across the tile, and stepped into the crumpled jeans. Then he unlocked the door, and didn’t even bother to look before he wrapped his arms around the man waiting there—of _course_ he was waiting there—and buried his face in Erwin’s chest.

Neither of them said anything. Erwin looped his arms around Levi and let out a kind of rumbly hum. Levi felt Erwin’s face in his hair and he couldn’t help but feel like it belonged there. Levi wasn’t sure how long they stood there like that, but it was long enough to feel the unsteadiness drain out of him.

“Don’t panic,” he whispered and fingered the edges of Erwin’s scrub shirt. “I’m not going to go any further than this, I swear.”

And then he pushed his hands up the back of Erwin’s shirt, and held onto the skin he never wanted to let go of.

Erwin flinched and then he crushed Levi to himself like he was trying to squish them into one being. Levi let out an encouraging sound as Erwin’s usually steady hands fumbled, and then his large warm hands pushed their way beneath the back of Levi’s undershirt. And then they were standing there, hands and fingers tight in each other’s skin, their faces buried in each other’s bodies and their hearts thumping against each other’s through thin cotton shirts.

“Thank you,” Levi whispered. “Thank you for giving me these last few weeks. You don’t understand what you’ve done for me.”

“You did it yourself. You were incredible. I’m so fucking inspired by you, Levi.”

“Is it wrong that all your cursing today is still really turning me on despite the seriousness of everything?”

“No, but be careful or I’ll have to get you yet another set of pants.”

“Go fuck yourself.”

“I’m afraid that’s going to have to be the sad reality. It’s not like I’m going to let myself do anything with you.”

“Maybe I can go back to sleep and finish my dream. It was just getting to the good part.”

“Please _please_ shut the fuck up about that dream.”

“I’ll just say that you are _way_ more suave when I’m dreaming.”

“Shut up. I am so fucking suave.”

“Also jacked. Beyond super fucking jacked. It was almost scary.”

“Well pardon me for not being a weight lifting champion.”

“Is that jealousy? It’s beyond stupid to be jealous of yourself you know.”

“I’m not jealous. It’s just annoying that my dream self gets all the damn action.”

It took a lot of effort on Levi’s part not to let his hands slip down to Erwin’s ass.

“You know I wouldn’t stop you if you took me against this wall right now.”

“I’m going to duct tape your mouth shut.”

“Kinky.”

“That’s it. I’m leaving.”

“No way. You said you’d come with me to my evaluation.”

“You _still_ want that?”

Levi pushed his hands up as far as they would go. His fingers felt the ripples of Erwin’s shoulder muscles as they moved underneath his skin.

“I want every second I can get with you. Even if most of those seconds are spent with Captain Cock block.”

There was a knock at the door.

“Levi? Are you awake?”

It was Nile’s voice.

“Well speak of the devil…” Levi muttered.

Erwin and Levi only had time to pull their hands out from each other’s shirts before Nile pushed the door open. Of course they were still standing really close to each other, and naturally that had to be the first thing the guy noticed. Nile sighed.

“Why am I not surprised?”

Levi brushed the back of his hand against Erwin’s.

“I’m ready for my evaluation now.”

Nile blinked. “What?”

“The psych thing.”

“Oh no. Hanji and I already agreed that we’re not going to try anything like that until you’re completely better. I just came in to check on your fever and see if you were awake and up to eating anything.”

“Well I’m up to having my evaluation.”

Erwin nudged Levi’s hand back. “Maybe he’s got a point, grumpy.”

“ _You’re_ the grumpy one.”

“I’m older than you, and therefore closer to the grave. I’ve got a right to be grumpy.”

Levi smiled. He wasn’t sure how he was able to smile when he had a quiet solid sadness nudging itself into his stomach, but Erwin was pretty good at getting his face to make dumb expressions.

Levi looked straight at Nile as he linked his fingers with Erwin’s. “We’ll go now. And then Erwin will leave.”

Nile jerked back a bit and swiveled his head to Erwin. “What’s he talking about?”

Levi felt warmth pulse up his arm as Erwin squeezed his fingers. “After Levi’s evaluation I plan on taking a leave of absence. I’m sorry for the short notice, but until Levi leaves the center I think it’s best that I make myself scarce. I know that you already agree with this.”

If Levi had thought that Nile would be happy to hear this, he was wrong and he felt bad for the thought. Nile’s face splashed with sympathy as he walked into the room and touched Erwin’s shoulder.

Erwin chuckled. “Don’t look at me like that. I’m tougher than that. Now come on, Levi wants to get this over with, and I prefer to do it while his fever meds are still taking effect.”

Nile analyzed Erwin’s face for several more moments before slowly dropping his hand. “If that’s what you want…”

Levi looked to Erwin, and Erwin looked to him. They were both wearing the same melancholy smile.

Levi turned back to Nile and nodded. “Lead the way, Bolo.”

Nile rolled his eyes, but turned around and walked back out the door. As he did he raised his phone to his mouth and began to mumble something into it. Levi was pretty sure that the mumbling was a message to Hanji. He wouldn’t worry about that. Instead he swung his and Erwin’s linked hands between them. It couldn’t hurt to act like a five year old for just a little while longer.

“Would you ever wear one of those stupid ties?” Levi asked, nodding over to Nile’s back.

Erwin grinned. “Why? Would you want me too?”

“Please. Don’t insult my tastes that badly. Only a straight man could ever invent something so inherently ugly.”

“A green one wouldn’t be that bad...I’ve always liked the color green.”

Levi tripped over his next step, but straightened up and kept going before Erwin could comment on it. He didn’t know how he would talk about how creepy the whole green bolo tie thing was because of his dream. He was sorry for bringing the whole thing up in the first place.

But Erwin wasn’t done.

“You would look good in green, you know. You’re always wearing such dark colors, but green would look so nice with your hair.” Erwin lifted a hand and brushed it through the tiny hairs on the back of Levi’s undercut. He tried not to think about how that might be the last time he ever felt the blonde’s hand on him.

When Nile made to stop by the elevator, Levi purposefully kept walking. And, after a moment of confusion, Nile followed. Levi didn’t have to look up at Erwin to know they were both thinking the same thing. Levi just hoped he wouldn’t trip over his feet again thinking about Erwin kissing him. The three men climbed the stairs until they were back on a familiar floor--the behavioral addictions ward.

“Did you tell any of them yet?” Levi asked, keeping his voice to a low murmur.

Erwin shook his head. “Not outright, no. But I think Gunther knows. But he’s in denial because he’s going to be overworked as hell once I leave. And don’t get me started on Auruo. That guys going to lose his shit completely. He’s already burning out. He’s twenty years old but looks fucking fifty.”

“Poor guy,” Levi muttered. But he wasn’t sure who he was talking about. They were all pretty sorry messes right about now.

Nile led them down the hall until they stopped at a simple door without decoration. Nile stuffed a key into the lock and pushed it open, holding out his hand to allow Erwin and Levi to step in first.

Erwin didn’t wait for permission before leading Levi over to the most comfortable chair in the room, and easing him down into it. He squeezed Levi’s hand one last time before moving to another chair out of reach. Levi’s hand flopped to his side and burned with emptiness. He busied himself with trying _not_ to look like a lovesick and abandoned puppy while Nile walked around the large desk in the room and sat in the chair behind it.

Levi expected the man to steeple his fingers together or stroke his beard or some other psychiatrist shit, but Nile chose instead to lean back in his chair and rub at his temples--the universal sign for exhaustion.

“We don’t have to do this here, you know,” he said. “I chose my office because the walls are actually pretty soundproof, and we’re unlikely to have any sort of interruption. But if you want to do this in a different room, or maybe out by the pond--I’ve seen you with Erwin there before and you looked at peace there…”

Levi felt a pang in his chest. He couldn’t look over at Erwin. He was too afraid to see his own expression reflected back at himself.

“This room’s fine.”

Nile nodded, and then continued. “I’d also like to point out that I don’t usually allow others to take part in the evaluation process. This is supposed to be a room where you feel open to express anything without fear of consequence. With others in the room many patients find themselves clamping up or unwilling to share certain intimate--”

“I won’t say anything less with Erwin here. I want him to stay.”

“I understand that,” Nile said. “I’m just telling you that because of the usual rules Erwin knows not to say anything during the next hour or so. This is for your benefit, so don’t feel upset if you feel that he doesn’t rush to your defense. This is about you, not him, and he will behave as such.”

Nile sat up a little straighter. “With that said, do you feel comfortable? Is there anything you would like me to get you?”

“No. I’m fine.”

Levi hoped he was telling the truth.

“If at any point you begin to feel uncomfortable or wish to stop just say so. You need not offer an explanation. Just tell me that you don’t wish to continue and we’ll postpone meeting again until you’re better. Sound good?”

Levi let himself look over at Erwin just once.

The blonde smiled at him, but then closed his eyes and assumed an almost blank expression. It looked like he was trying to blend in with the furniture. Levi rolled his eyes. As if anyone that handsome could ever make himself unnoticeable.

“Where would you like to begin, Levi?”

Levi gave Nile a strange look. “Aren’t you the doctor? Don’t you have some psychiatric formula to fix me or whatever?”

“We’ll start wherever you feel comfortable. We can always circle back around to topics I want to discuss with you, but first I just want you to get used to talking to me.”

Levi shrugged. He guessed this is what Hanji had meant when she said he was good with his patients. The guy was surprisingly non-assholic when he went into doctor mode.

“Do you want me to talk about that day--the one they dragged me in here? Or rather, the night before when shit actually went down?”

“Like I said, whatever you want.”

Levi’s eyes itched to look over at Erwin, but no, he’d do this himself. He’d show the man that he would be fine alone so that the man wouldn’t make himself sick with nausea when he was gone.

“Okay, well that’s what I’ll tell you then. That day I woke up feeling weird.”

Nile lifted an eyebrow.

“Don’t ask. I can’t really define it,” Levi said, “And I guess it wasn’t really the important bit. If I hadn’t met Jess that day I doubt it would have come to anything major.”

Levi saw the unspoken question in Nile’s eyes.

“Jess was my previous manager. She used to handle the scheduling and stuff back when I was a professional martial artist.”

“That was something you stopped five years ago, correct?”

Levi nodded. He supposed he’d have to tell that story too. “After I quit the competitions I cut off every tie to the people I’d known in that field. I couldn’t just quit sports completely--it was the only thing I knew--so I took a job with Pixis Professionals, a sports talent agency that trains and schedules athletes for competition. I work in the strength training department and oversee the training schedules for the athletes as well as their individualized training programs. But that part doesn’t matter. The point is that I don’t see anyone from my old life. That was a very deliberate move on my part. The day I quit I erased every contact in my phone and started over. I didn’t answer calls from old friends or acquaintances. Nothing. Except Farlan, of course, I’d never cut Farlan out, but I’ll get to him soon.”

Levi sighed. His story was more entangled than he’d thought, and he was afraid that it was coming out completely incomprehensible.

_Just start with that day. You can work your way back afterward._

He took a deep breath and started again.

“I hadn’t seen Jess in five years, and it was supposed to stay that way, but that evening, after work, I went to the bar. I don’t go often. Bars are too dirty, and I hate when others see me drink. It’s my sickness, and it was my shame. But that day Hanji and Petra had gone up to visit Petra’s parents and they were spending the night, and Moblit had gone with them, and I was all alone, and for whatever reason I felt it that night. I think it had to do with one of the new athletes I met that day. He reminded me of myself before the germs had gained their power over me. So I went to the bar, and I couldn’t sit on the stools and someone bumped into me and I was feeling sick from it and regretting not going home and just trying to not have a panic attack when I saw her.”

Levi noticed he was beginning to breathe faster and forced himself to slow down.

“There was no reason for Jess to be there. We’d both moved since working together, but of course there had to be a stupid coincidence. She was in town for a competition, and I was there to get wasted. I couldn’t though. Not when I saw her. I turned to run as soon as I saw her, but she’d always been quick. She caught my eye right when I was backing away toward the door. She recognized me. Of course she did. And she came toward me, called out to me.”

_You have to keep going. You have to show Erwin who you really are._

“And I ran. I turned tail like a coward and ran all the way back to my apartment. I’d made no progress in five years. As I was running back I realized by the way my panic began to spiral out of control that I’d actually gotten worse. A lot worse. The germs got to their screaming high frequency, so of course the first thing I did when I crashed through the door was go for the alcohol. I only barely managed to leave my shoes by the door before racing to get my hands on a bottle. I remember feeling like an animal as I splashed the first shot down my throat. I also remember half of it missing my mouth and going down my shirt. I just needed to get it down. With the alcohol inside I’d be able to forget. That was the promise, at least. But it was a lie. Their faces were so clear in my mind--Isabel and Farlan. And this time alcohol was easing them into my mind, my memory practically exploding with all kinds of images of them. There were, of course, the tragic ones. Farlan’s blood-spattered face and crooked broken body. Isabel’s tiny frail wrists and tiny ineffective breaths. But you know what? Those weren’t the ones that hurt the most. It’s the ones where they’re at their brightest that kill me. Moments like seeing Isabel swing her tennis racket like she was going to slay a dragon with it, or seeing Farlan freaking the fuck out because he’d seen a centipede in the shower, and he was more afraid of those than he was any other kind of danger in this world. Just moments where they so bursting with life that you can’t ever imagine that life being taken away, there’s just too fucking much of it. But then it’s gone, and you know it is, and that contradiction, that ripping impossibility, is enough to tear apart any mind--certainly one as weak as my own.”

Levi’s hand twitched forward, and he realized he was searching for a glass. He’d never been foolish enough to think that his drinking problem had been wiped out of his system already, but it scared him a bit to see how instinctive the gesture was whenever he was talking about anything that involved the past.

Levi wanted to look at Erwin because he wanted to see that the man accepted all this, but he also didn’t want to look at Erwin, because he _really_ cared about what the man thought of him, and right now, when he was telling his story, he didn’t want to focus on that or he’d never finish getting it out.

Nile was looking at him. Hand open, palms out, and encouraging. Levi took another breath.

“So I drank. It didn’t matter that the alcohol was making the memories worse. It was the only method I’d ever learned for coping, so I had to just keep going. I knew that I would have to go on until I passed out, and my impatience for that point made me drink too much too fast. Somewhere in my foggy mind I knew I was imbibing too much; that there was too little left in a bottle I’d only just opened. But I didn’t care. Usually I do. I can drink a tremendous amount of alcohol because I’ve developed an impossible tolerance, but I still know that if I drink too much too fast then I’m in danger of throwing up. That’s why I always try to pace myself. I hold my impatience back. But that night I didn’t care if I vomited down my front. I didn’t care if I passed out and never woke up. It wasn’t that I _wanted_ to die. I mean, I _wanted_ to die, but I wasn’t going to willfully do it because I’d promised Hanji I’d never take my life. But if I just _happened_ to die at that moment I would let it happen. It wasn’t that I didn’t love Hanji enough, it was just that the guilt was too overwhelming and it had to stop, and she wasn’t there to stop it so the alcohol had to fix it. Does that make sense?”

Levi could hear someone else breathing now. Erwin. It hadn’t been audible before, so he guessed that the breathing had to be heavier now. He still didn’t turn around.

“I never got to the point where I could forget them. I drank and drank until I couldn’t even feel my own face anymore, couldn’t even feel the vomit as it passed my lips. I drank so much that I knew I’d passed out before the bottle even left my lips and I crashed to the ground. But they stayed there. Isabel and Farlan...they wouldn’t leave me. And in that hazy forever moment between blacking out and Moblit’s arrival I was struck by the thought that I’d lost. I had no weapon I could use anymore. The alcohol had failed me. It couldn’t do it’s only job. It couldn’t make me forget. And that’s when I realized that nothing could.”

Levi realized that he was no longer looking at Nile, but his hands. He hated his hands, the useless things. They’d never done a single useful thing. That’s why he felt so guilty when he touched Erwin and they tingled and burned. Killing hands like his didn’t deserve pleasure.

“Erd told me that they pumped my stomach and that there was only alcohol. Barely even any traces of stomach acid. Straight alcohol, undiluted by anything, had been absorbing steadily with no barriers and it still hadn’t been enough to work…”

Levi sighed and sat on his hands. He didn’t want to see them anymore. He couldn’t see them if he was going to continue with the next story.

“Of course Farlan always told me it was useless. And worse, harmful.  He was the only one who used to rip my bottles away from me. Hanji would have, but I never drank in front of her--she’d only ever see the end results. But Farlan I could drink in front of, because Farlan shared my guilt with me. We were the men who killed Isabel--at least, that’s what we thought. Farlan was a lot less guilty than me, of course. He’d been overseas on a research project. I was supposed to be the one taking care of Isabel. She was our little sister, you know? And the reason we were all together, really. I owe everything to that girl...I guess she was a woman. She died at 22. But she was just a little girl, really. I met her when she was thirteen. She was still in junior high, while I was a high school dropout. She was always so small, even before she got sick. Maybe that’s why I didn’t notice. How many times did I pick her up with just one arm? She’d always been weightless, like the next wind would pick her up and she’d just soar through the sky until the wind brought her down. She would have loved that. She was always meant to fly. She wanted to be a pilot. She was saving up for school. She didn’t want help with that. She was working as a flight attendant in the meantime. That was the next best thing, she said. She loved seeing the world, greeting new places, eating new foods, blowing up my phone with hundreds of pictures... I always complained about it. There’s no reason for me to see pictures of your eggs, I’d tell her, I don’t care what country you’re eating them in. But of course I was lying. I loved getting her messages. I loved everything that ever came from her. I loved her.”

He was bending over now, the sickening emptiness in his stomach causing him to curl over in a ball to protect himself. But there was nothing to protect, of course, everything that could be hurt had been hurt already.

“Fuck...she was so fucking--you don’t know. Maybe you think you’ve experienced something pure before. Maybe in the form of a white feather or a baby’s smile or the first rays of sun that paint the morning sky. But you haven’t. Because you’ve never seen Isabel smile at a snowstorm or seen her laugh while being pelted with rain. She was the embodiment of everything that was good and right with this world and I let her _die_. I did _nothing_. I let the earth swallow her up and I didn’t even notice she was gone until it was too late.”

He didn’t think he’d be able to say another word. He’d managed to say the story once. Just once. But that had been while he was drunk and Hanji had been holding him and that had made it possible. But there was no crutch now and no one was holding him and Levi felt so cold. He shivered, and then shivered again. His body was covered in goose flesh and he needed a bath with water so hot it would burn everything out of him. But he needed to continue, right? That was the point of all this. That was the point of this center and why Hanji had forced him here to begin with. She’d started the center because of him, too. It had never been said, but Levi knew that was the reason. There were many other patients here, but everything here had been created because Hanji had wanted to make an environment of healing for him. And he’d been so scared of it because everyone knew that healing hurt. That’s why he’d never visited the place before Moblit dragged him here. And he never would have faced the prospect of healing if he hadn’t hit rock bottom first. He had to continue. For Hanji, because she had lived through way too much of his shit already. For Isabel and Farlan, because they had both lived through and died through his shit, and for Erwin who stupidly and maybe even heroically kept insisting that Levi could do this even though he would rather slash and burn the world to the ground before facing his personal demons.

“She got sick. That’s all it was. Growing up she’d never missed a single day of school because she’d always been well. She’d always been too full of energy to let anything like a cold take her down. That’s why I should have rushed straight to the hospital when I first saw her tiredness. I’d walk into my apartment and she’d be there napping on the bed, or I’d come to pick her up from the airport and she’d be drinking her fourth cup of coffee. Suddenly she was so tired all the time. She never saw it, but I saw it in the lethargy of her body. How did I not act? Just because she told me that she was okay? That it was just because she was working a lot of hours. How could I buy that excuse? It was so obvious. They weren’t even signs--they were fucking huge monoliths pointing at her and screaming “your friend is dying! Fucking do something about it!” But no. That was the season of the national martial arts championship. The season where I would go days and days without seeing the inside of my apartment. Sure I was busy as hell, but nothing, _nothing_ should have made me too busy to see what was happening. Isabel, and Farlan. They came before meeting Hanji. They were the people who gave me purpose for the first time. After meeting them I had people to protect, to give to, to love. They gave a heart to a boy who thought he wasn’t built to handle one. I was the broken toy, the creepy doll, I was not supposed to experience happiness because I had taught myself not to experience anything. After meeting them I decided I would live my life for them. They gave me my life, so it was only natural that I use it in pursuit of them. But I couldn’t even keep Isabel from dying. I went through the preliminary rounds of the championship without doing anything. It was only when I got the call from Hanji...they’d been preparing to come see my fight when Isabel just collapsed. I was getting taped up for the fight then, the one I would learn that Mikasa had come to see. I raced out of the changing room.”

Levi closed his eyes.

“The ride to the hospital was a blur. Isabel’s diagnoses of stage four leukemia was a blur. Everything was, except for Isabel’s face. When I saw her, put my hands on a face that had grown pinched and narrow, she was crying. So sad that she had done this to me. To _me._ The person who had let this happen…”

His voice cracked on the last word, but he cleared his throat and kept going. He couldn’t stop now. Not with it half finished. That would be like spitting on his friend.

“Farlan jumped on the first flight back. He started to cry on the phone when I told him. But I wasn’t able to cry. I thought it was because I was broken. I hadn’t cried since I was 10. But I did cry, eventually. But it wasn’t until after. I didn’t cry when they shot chemicals into her day after day that burned her veins and made her bury her face in my shoulder so that she wouldn’t scream as they did it. And not when her hemoglobin count got so low that she couldn’t even sit up without growing lightheaded and in danger of fainting. And not when her platelets ran dry and she began to bleed from everywhere--bruises blossomed like ugly roses under her skin even though I was so careful to make sure nothing so much as jostled her. Her gums bled, her injection sites wept blood for what seemed like forever. Even the little time she spent awake was overwhelmed with exhaustion at the end. She’d talk to me with her eyes closed because it was easier that way. That’s what she said. Now that I think about it, it might have been because she didn’t want to see the overwhelming panic in my eyes. I became crazed, but I didn’t cry. I scrubbed every inch of that room every moment that she wasn’t awake. The danger of infection kept me from eating or sleeping. The germs had long been a terror for me, but they had never been as dangerous as they had been now. I would swallow valium like candy to keep the panic attacks those germs invoked at bay. But you know what? It came to nothing. Pneumonia got her anyway. I was so careful. I scrubbed fucking everything with the strongest chemicals I could get my hands on. Nothing touched her that wasn’t bleached to within an inch of its life. Everyone who came in wore masks--i didn’t care how authoritative they were, no one touched my Isabel without being decontaminated. But she got pneumonia anyway. Maybe it happened when I slept--I would black out with no warning because I was refusing to let my body sleep the normal way. I would wake up and have no recollection of where I was. Sometimes Isabel would cry when that happened, but I wouldn’t. I would wipe away her tears, carefully so that no germs were transferred, and tell her that she wasn’t allowed to worry about anyone except herself now. But of course she worried. She worried for me most of all. Farlan had known Isabel even longer than I had, but it was me she worried for because I was the least stable. She knew Farlan would care for me, but she knew he wouldn’t be strong enough to close the hole she would leave. The final days she lived--those were the only days I ever prayed to god. I begged him/her whatever the fuck it doesn’t matter because I don’t believe in god anyway, but in those days I forced myself to believe because I needed a miracle. But miracles don’t exist--not god made ones anyway. Isabel died. I was holding her when it happened, but I didn’t let the doctors touch her for hours afterward. I pretended. Can you imagine? I was twenty five at the time. A grown ass man, but I continued to talk to her, to sing to her in my shitty way and hold her close like she was an infant. And I wouldn’t let her go, because I couldn’t say the words that would let the doctors know that she was gone. Farlan couldn’t take it. He tried to rip my arms away, to scream to me that she was dead. But I wasn’t ready for it. I--”

Levi didn’t know why he was faltering. It’s not like the next words he was going to say were any worse than the rest of the story. He’d done way worse afterward. That’s why he didn’t understand. He didn’t like that. Why show weakness now? Why be afraid to look at your memories if you’d been able to commit the original actions? It made no sense. And that’s why he forced himself to spit the rest of the poison.

“I hit him. Shattered his jaw. That’s what I used all my training for--all the lethal talent I had was used in the end to shatter my brother’s face.”

Levi would always be able to picture it with perfect clarity. That sterile white hospital room. Isabel had been whitest of all--her skin so pale it was tinged with blue. That had probably been her lack of oxygen. The doctor in charge of her care had said he’d never seen a hemoglobin level that low. He said that his patients always died before they got that bad, that Isabel was an incredible woman for hanging on that long. He said that Isabel was the strongest patient he’d ever had. Of course Levi hadn’t needed the doctor to tell him any of that. Isabel had been his rock, the soul and breath in his life. It didn’t matter that he had others in his life, Isabel was his little sister. His strange and excitable and perfectly annoying little sister who he had never, since the day that he realized he loved her, imagined living a day without.

“And you know what Farlan did after I went and suckerpunched him?” Levi asked, a challenge to no one. “Nothing. He did nothing. Not for a long time. We just were there staring at each other, him sprawled on the floor and me clamped to Isabel’s body. And then finally he said--fuck, and the way he said it too. With that fucking hollowness that I knew I shared. He told me, no, begged me in this quiet powerless whisper, ‘Can I hold her too?’”

Levi was shaking. He didn’t bother to try and hide it, not because he wasn’t embarrassed, because he was (he somehow managed to retain that despite the pit in his stomach) but because he knew no amount of effort was going to stop it.

“Can I hold her too. That’s what he fucking...my _brother_. He was Isabel’s age. A month younger, actually, but he always acted like the mom of the group. It was always ‘Levi, wear a fucking coat out when it’s cold enough to freeze the puddles outside,’ and, ‘No, Levi, vodka does _not_ count as breakfast. I’m going to make you something and you’re going to eat it, and I don’t care how foul it tastes.’ or even, ‘Levi, I swear to god, if you don’t start listening to me I’m going to marry you just so that there’s a legally binding contract in-fucking-volved.”

Levi realized all his words were hoarse. He was going to cry if he didn’t stop. What would happen then? Would he be excused from this? He glanced up at Nile and couldn’t read much. The guy had a hell of a poker face. Levi slid his hands into his hair and pulled. Hard. That was better. Pain always helped him get back on track. The shaking didn’t stop, but it still helped somehow.

“It makes him sound like he cursed a lot, huh? He didn’t. Not really. Just when he was talking to me. I was that infuriating. He used to say that he’d die of high blood pressure from the two of us--Isabel and I. We were always scaring him more than half to death. I remember asking him why he bothered with me. I mean, Isabel at least was adorable, I could see why he’d stick around. But I was just a sour boy with a sour face and a toilet for a mouth. And he said…”

His mind was full of Farlan now. That was just as bad as being full of Isabel, if not worse. He’d _directly_ killed Farlan. Did he have to tell that story too?

“He told me…”

Damn it. No amount of hair pulling was helping now. Alcohol. He needed it even though he knew it was worthless.

“He looked me right in the face and said ‘because I love you, you goddamn fucking gay asshole poopshitter.”

Levi tried to chuckle but it came out as a kind of hoarse sob. Tears weren’t running down his face, but he was crying. His eyes were dry, but his mind wasn’t. It was drowning, and the sounds coming from his chest were sobs.

“He was always so confident. He always knew what we had to do and he would nag the fuck out of me until I did it. He always knew. He was always the oldest even though he was the youngest so why--”

He had to swallow the huge insurmountable lump in his throat because he needed to voice his next question. It hurt. The lump scraped off the skin of his throat and left him hoarser than ever.

“So why was it that after I shattered his face, he looked at me and was just so fucking young? Was his momhood just revoked at that moment? Did I shatter that too? I don’t think so. I don’t think there was anything to do to change that. He was stubborn, even more stubborn than me, and he was so set on telling the world to fuck itself while making it better at the same time. So why--why is it that he could lose all of it because of one little cold girl in my arms?”

Levi jumped up. The chair was filthy. He was filthy and everything was crawling and digging and spilling with deadly germs. He kicked over the chair, needing it away from him. It scraped along the floor and then hit the wall with a dull thud. Nobody moved. Nobody breathed. But maybe they did and Levi just couldn’t hear or see them because his blood was a roaring fire and it was burning everything so he couldn’t sense anything but the images thousands of them all of Farlan and Isabel. The people he’d killed. The same people he’d sworn to protect.

“I killed him too! Do you want to know why? Do you? Well fuck you! But fuck me more. Fuck everything. I want to burn myself. I want to erase me until I can’t do any more damage. Because I’m going to kill Hanji one day and I’ll probably kill all of you too, and I’m not going to see any of it coming, and I won’t want to. I’ll always be afraid that it will happen, I’ll become paralyzed with it, but I’ll do it anyway, I’ll hate it, I’ll hate myself for it, but it’ll happen, and I won’t be able to do anything to stop it!”

Levi had no idea what to do with his arms or legs. Everything hurt, so maybe moving would help, but he had a feeling that would only make it worse. And he felt guilty for even thinking about trying to ease his pain because he didn’t deserve it.

So he shrunk into himself. He balled up the pain because that made it excruciating, and he looked at it, and he saw himself in it as well as everything else-everything important. And all those important things were people. There were people Levi had hurt, people he’d never allowed himself to hurt because he’d never allowed himself to get close to them, and people he continuously kept hurting because he didn’t know how to stay away from them. And it fucked him up, looking at that. Every second was blunt knives in his stomach. He’d heard that you could survive for a good long while being stabbed in the stomach, but it was a god awful way to die. Levi looked down at his hands. They were wracked with tremors, but he looked past that, past the calluses and the scarring to the very structure of them. And they were small. They didn’t look like hands that could cause harm. That’s why, no matter how many times it happened, Levi’s first response was surprise when everything went to shit.

_I can’t do this anymore_.

He was surprised by how calm that thought was. Nothing else about him was calm. His heart was thunder and his nervous system...forget about that one. But that thought--that was the clearest one he’d had in years.

_Something has to change._

Levi looked up. Maybe he was supposed to do this alone, as Nile had said. But that’s not what the calm thought in his mind was telling him.

Levi’s eyes found Erwin’s. He was expecting to see the blue there, like a sea of calm. But he didn’t see his own calm thought reflected in those eyes.

_What’s wrong…? Is he hurt?_

In a sort of dream state, Levi stumbled forward. There was so much hurt on the other man. His face so crumpled that it looked like a paper bag that had been thrown in the trash--a beautiful paper bag, but a damn crumpled one.

_Did I do that? Did I hurt someone again?_

He took another step forward and tilted his head, wanting to see a different picture.

_I have to fix that. Erwin is...he is precious. I want…_

What did he want? Before he’d looked up he’d just wanted the cycle to stop. He wanted to stop hurting people. He still wanted that. But right now he was shifting focus away from himself. Erwin’s eyes were widening now. They were beautiful. And Levi realized something. They would be beautiful no matter what they looked like. Erwin was a beautiful person, and it had nothing to do with the skin covering his skeleton. Erwin was beautiful the way Hanji was beautiful. And with that realization came the familiar rush. As always, it hit with an overwhelming smack. The feeling was always so strong. It was because he didn’t know how to feel halfway. He wasn’t a very introspective person, but he’d noticed that bit about himself. That’s why he kept his walls in so tight. Because once you slipped in--you were in there for life. It didn’t matter if a person left, they stayed inside of Levi. And now Erwin was in. _In_ in. Forever in. And Levi didn’t know whether to laugh or cry about it. It had happened absurdly fast, but it had happened absurdly fast for all the really important people.

Levi wanted to tell Erwin some things. He also wanted to ask some things. Things like, Why are you really going to go? Why aren’t you more freaked out by me? How did you know how to get inside of me? Did you want all this to happen? Have I changed you the way you’ve changed me? But he didn’t ask any of those things. He had a story to tell.

“I don’t remember much of what happened after I let go of Isabel. I don’t know whether to be happy or pissed as shit about my amnesia. I do remember Farlan. He was there throughout everything. And then I remember the germs eating away at everything. For just a few days I welcomed them. I thought that their diseased terror would bring me justice. I deserved to die, and though germs are the last way I’d ever want to go, it would be fitting. But the germs didn’t get me, and since they didn’t kill me my fear of them took over again. And then the alcohol came. Shit, did the alcohol come. It was like a tsunami—no, a tsunami is a one time occurrence thing. We’re talking like thrice daily tsunamis. I fucked myself up. I went so far that even my fucked up self realized I was fucked up. But I drank anyway because it was all I could do, and I couldn’t stand to look Farlan in the eye and recognize how much I’d failed Isabel. He knew her since he was four. _Four_. I took away his soul mate. I mean, I don’t know if there were any fucking romantic feelings involved. I mean, sometimes the way Farlan looked at her…but that’s not the fucking point. She was everything to him and I ripped her away like a fucking scab that had only just formed and was in _no way_ ready to part with skin.”

Levi wanted to raise his arm, to pull Erwin in, but he wouldn’t give himself that yet.

“And you’d _think_ that if I was so goddamn guilt ridden that I’d at least treat him like the world had been born to lay at his feet. But no. _No_. I’m a fucking cocksucking shit dildo. _Of course_ I had to treat him like shit on a boot. I—fuck, I’ll vomit if I tell you—no, just, I was such a selfish screwfuck. I laid around in a stupor with my foot up my ass and gave him nothing. Nothing worth anything anyway. What were my arms worth, or my words? They wouldn’t give him Isabel back. And the worst part was he—he never fucking blamed me. He never got angry at me. Never threw my shit or punched me in the dick. I would have let him—would have welcomed it. That would have given me something to atone with. No. He was always thinking about me. Always asking what he could do. Finally one day—and it was a very bad day—I’d been just hired by Pixis and there were all these people with germs around me, and that was the day I found Isabel’s journal and just—I lost it. My explosion was sickening. I started just—just shouting about everything. Dumb shit, and horrible shit and then that truly unspeakable shit. And Farlan…he couldn’t keep calm that time. And this time when he asked me if there was anything I wanted, he shouted it. So of course I shouted back that I needed some fucking alcohol. And he demanded to know whether I would be semi normal after I had some. And I answered, ‘Well better than I fucking am now.’ So he went. I was shocked that he went. He _never_ fed my stupid crutch addiction. But he went that day. Jesus fuck what I wouldn’t do to take back every word. If I’d known what my addiction would lead to I would have stopped. I swear I never would have picked up a drop of ethanol again if I knew it would prevent that. But I didn’t know, and so I shouted, and so he went. And you know what? You know fucking what?”

Of course Erwin didn’t know what, but Levi was going to tell him, because now he wasn’t forcing the story out of himself, it was forcing itself out of _him_ all by itself, and there was no stopping it for the world.

“I continued shouting. I was deranged at that point, a lunatic with too much guilt and too little body to hold it in. A fucked up, full of shit germaphobe alcoholic with intense denial issues. And I was a sack of shit, so I kept yelling. I yelled so loud and so hard that I almost didn’t hear the screech of tires, the scream of rubber as some shmuck—a drunken shmuck like me—plowed right into Farlan, my brother, at 60 miles per hour in a 30 mph pedestrian street.”

Levi didn’t know if his words were audible now. Probably not. But it was quantity over quality at this point and the words kept coming even though they were coated with razor blades with both new and crusting blood at the edges.

“I knew. The second I heard those tires I knew. It made sense, of course. More retribution for how I’d been acting. But still, as I raced down the six flights to the ground floor and into the street I whispered, ‘ _Please no._ Not him. Please not him.’ But of course it was him. Of course it was. He was in the middle of the street like some fucking road kill and not the man I loved more than any other man to ever fucking grace this planet, _shit_. He was so fucking…Well _you_ know. You’d know because of Mike. Well this was Mike lying in the fucking street to me. Mike fucking killed. But you know what? I’m not trivializing your shit, but you know what? You might think that you caused your fiance’s death, but you hadn’t sent him out on his death mission. You weren’t the reason he was out on the street that night. It wasn’t your stupid words that had directly led him to death. _I_ killed Farlan. _I_ did. My _brother_. I killed my _brother_.”

And now the tears were there, splashing out in a stupid fucking ugly display. They’d been waiting for the grand finale. But what horrified him was that they were tears of relief. He still couldn’t properly cry from the pain of it. There were some horrors that went beyond tears. But these were tears he could cry. Because they came out of getting the story out. By telling someone who might be receptive enough to understand.

Now Levi’s arms opened and he fell forward. And Erwin caught him. There was an intense magic in that gesture. Being caught when you needed it. Levi hadn’t experienced that enough times in his life. There had been too many times he _hadn’t_ been caught. But Erwin caught him then, and crushed him right up close and buried Levi in the antiseptic coated man smell that was Erwin.

“Levi.”

Erwin’s voice was messed up too. It was a choke.

“Levi I’m so—“

It didn’t look like Erwin had the words to express what exactly he was, but words weren’t necessary. The man’s warmth was. And so Levi folded himself in it fully, letting Erwin’s arms squeeze him into it with a crushing force that was necessary to hold him together. But Erwin peeled his face back, his hands too quick and panicked to be soothing.

“F _uck_ all this _bullshit._ I’m so fucking sick, I—Hanji had said…she told me that there was some serious shit, but…no fucking wonder you landed yourself in this place. Jesus _fuck_. How the hell are you still so fucking sane?”

Levi wanted to answer. He even had a stupid smartass reply ready on his tongue. _It’s a good thing Jean isn’t here or he’d have fucking lung collapse from trying to count those curses._ But he couldn’t say it. And he was grateful that he didn’t have to say it.

Erwin’s hands clamped down on the sides of Levi’s face, but they didn’t feel like restraints. They grounded him.

“Listen, Levi. I want you to know something about how I think of you. I want you to know what you’ve done to me. There are a few words I am very tempted to tell you right now.”

No. Levi couldn’t deal with any new complications. If it was blame the man was assigning he knew he deserved it, but he couldn’t stand to hear it with everything that was going on.

“But it’s not important right now. Nothing is as important as your healing and safety.”

There was a knock at the door. Erwin’s eyes, now piercing and alive as anything on earth, didn’t flick away from Levi’s. With only a small sound of a chair being pushed back, Nile stood up without a word and went to deal with it. Erwin smoothed his thumbs down Levi’s cheeks and then crushed him to his chest once more. Levi was so happy to be there. Erwin’s body was such a wonderful place to take refuge in. Trust poured so easily into it. Everything seemed easier there.

“I won’t pretend not to be horrified. Anyone would be after hearing what you’ve gone through. And I know that my saying this won’t help right now. I know you’re not in a receptive place for it yet. But none of this, not _any_ of it is your fault. I know countless people have probably already told you, so I’m not holding my breath that my words are going to do it, but I promise you, Levi, that I won’t stop telling you until you believe me.”

Levi’s hands clenched then unclenched in the material of Erwin’s shirt. He hoped the blonde didn’t care that he was crumpling it. He didn’t think he would. From what he’d seen of the man he didn’t give a fuck about anything but his patients, oh, and his friends too. Levi wondered which category he fell into. Maybe it was a separate category altogether.

Levi’s face was plastered into the meat of Erwin’s shoulder, and he really liked it there. He liked it even more when Erwin’s hand found the back of his hair and stroked it with those tingly hands. “I promise Levi. Even if you don’t believe me that I’ll convince you, because there’s a very high possibility that you’ll do that yourself, then believe that I won’t stop trying until you believe it no matter who convinces you.”

Levi opened his mouth a couple of times, found the lump in the way, and finally forced it out of the way enough to say, “But you’re leaving now.”

He half hoped Erwin would say, “No. I’m staying because you need me.” But he didn’t, because Erwin knew him better than that, and he knew enough to know that Levi was progressing not regressing.

“Yes, I am. But you said you’d come and find me afterward. Will you, Levi?”

Levi gave up on allowing Erwin’s shirt to live. He twisted his hands in it so tightly he was threatening the circulation of his fingers.

“That depends. Are you going to wait for me?”

“Yes, but not patiently.”

“Good. If you’re too patient I’ll get suspicious.”

Nile twisted around. He’d been talking to one of the staff by the door.

“A situation’s come up down in the addictions ward. A patient on a methadone drip ripped out their IV and is on a rampage.”

No more needed to be said. Levi pulled his face out of prime Erwin material and muttered. “Okay. We’re going.”

“I appreciate your understanding. We can continue you again soon. Whenever you’re ready.”

“Sure, sure, whatever.”

Levi already knew that he wouldn’t be talking to Nile like this again.

“I think we’ve covered an incredible amount of ground today. You should be proud of yourself, Levi. Now take it easy and get lots of rest. Go straight down to Erd. I’ll let him know you’ll be down there in fifteen minutes. Take any longer and he’ll come looking.”

Fifteen minutes to say goodbye to Erwin? How was that anywhere even close to the realm of enough?

“Oh, and give me a call Erwin. Half an hour and I’ll be expecting it.”

“I’m not sure if I’ll be up to—“

“Forty five minutes then. But you’re calling me.”

“If this is to warn me about coming back, I already know not to—“

Nile grabbed Erwin’s arm and yanked him out of the room. Levi threw a look to the staff member at the door, a man he thought was named Hitch. It was a questioning look demanding answers, but Hitch had no answers to give. He shrugged.

Well, that left only one option for Levi. He snuck out of the office and hurried after the pair. He’d only made it halfway down the hall when he heard their muffled voices coming from within one of the adjacent rooms. Levi pressed himself flush to the wall. Would he ordinarily feel bad about eavesdropping on Erwin? Yes. But he was emotionally drained because of all the angst he’d just spewed and he was giving himself the go ahead to do whatever the fuck he wanted. Call it his reward.

“Are you sure you’re going to be okay with this decision? I know how you feel about him. I don’t need you going back into a slump.”

That was Nile’s voice. Low and concerned.

“ _You_ were the one who told me I was screwing things up.”

“I said that establishing a healthy and mutually satisfying romantic engagement wouldn’t happen in an environment like this where—“

“Yes, okay, that’s what I meant. And that’s why I’m leaving.”

“But his attack. Don’t you think that with you gone he’ll—“

“That was because I handled things the wrong way. I, fuck, you’d kill me if I told you what I did, but basically—“

“Please tell me you didn’t fuck him.”

“What? _Nile!”_

“Don’t give me that look.”

“Just because we fucked _once_ doesn’t make me this mindless fucking machine. I don’t do that anymore. And even if I did, I wouldn’t do that to _Levi_.”

“Well I hope not, for both your sakes.”

“I didn’t. I was just…I told him I was leaving in a really fucking stupid way and that’s why it happened. Not because of any weakness on his part. And believe me, he won’t let it happen again. He grows stronger every day. His growth rate is exponential.”

“But if you disappear he might—“

“He won’t regress. Not any significant amount anyway. He’ll get through it. He’s a lot stronger than you give him credit for.”

“Hey, I give him _plenty_ of credit.”

“Well good.”

“Yeah…”

There was nothing for a few seconds and that threw Levi into a panic because _holy fuck_ Erwin and Nile had fucked? Did that mean they’d been a thing? Did they still have feelings for each other? Because that would be fucked up on so many levels. For one, Levi didn’t know if he could have feelings for someone who’d fucked someone who wore a bolo tie. And for another Nile was fucking married with kids.

_Holy shit what if they’re kissing right now_?

But that was a stupid fucking thought, and he was proved wrong when a moment later Erwin burst out with.

“You’ll take care of him, right? Like a fucking princess, okay? I’m going to message both you and Hanji a list later of everything he needs and likes and his routine and—well Hanji will probably know everything on the list already, but just in case, I mean, you never know there might be something she missed, and—“

“Erwin do yourself a favor and shut the fuck up you sound like a nimrod.”

“How the fuck am I supposed to go through with this?”

“Wait, weren’t _you_ convincing _me_ about how leaving was a good idea?”

“You better make sure you’re covering whenever Levi goes to sleep so that Hanji can hold him while he drifts off. That’s really important.”

“Why the fuck would you know that?”

“He can make his own food in the kitchen now, but make sure the cooks understand that his section of the kitchen is not to be touched. The main staff know but I’m afraid that some of the part timers might mess around with his system and I won’t be there to keep them in place.”

“Are you _sure_ you haven’t fucked him?”

“I would fucking remember if I had, wouldn’t I?”

“Easy, Erwin, you look like you’re trying to shit a mailbox.”

“I’m trying to shit something much larger than that. I haven’t had panic like this since my fucking withdrawals.”

“Easy. We’re going to take care of him. You think Hanji would let anything happen to her precious womb flower, or whatever she fucking calls him.”

Hanji called him _what_? He was going to have to have a serious talk with her about some things.

“Of course I know she will…”

“Good. Now do what you will, I have an emergency to take care of.”

“It’s probably already taken care of. Other staff have learned not to trust your shitty response times.”

“Shut the fuck up, Smith. And come back as soon as you can.”

“Yeah, yeah, I love you too.”

There was movement, footsteps, coming back to the door at a hurried clip. It was a good thing that Levi was a fast little asshole. He was able to slip around the corner just as the sound of the door opening was heard. Several moments later they came into view to find Levi slouched against the wall, hands in his pockets, looking bored, and, more importantly, completely innocent. Nile snorted.

“The little shit heard everything, didn’t he?” he asked.

“There isn’t a doubt in my mind,” Erwin answered, and grabbed Levi’s wrist.

Erwin pulled him down the hall toward the staircase while Nile raced toward the elevator.Levi stared up at Erwin, but the blonde was looking straight ahead. When they began to clomp down the stairs together, Erwin spoke.

“And before you say anything, no I am not nor will I ever be in love with Nile.”

Levi sputtered a bit too much to be considered safe.

“But…”

“I don’t know how Mary does it. He wears a fucking bolo tie for god’s sake. I made him take it off before I put my dick anywhere near him.”

Levi had a feeling he would have to start considering his saliva a choking hazard when he was around Erwin.

They reached the ground floor, but Erwin didn’t head out of the stairwell. Instead he took the next set of stairs with Levi until they arrived in the basement. It had the hum of heavy machinery about it and it smells vaguely of mold.

Erwin tapped his finger against the back of Levi’s hand before letting go of his wrist.

“Will you be okay down here? I have no idea when’s the last time the basement was cleaned.”

If Levi had to take a wild guess in the dark he would say probably not since the place opened four years back. He made sure not to lean against the wall.

“I’ll be okay.”

“You sure?”

“You’re about to fucking leave, Erwin. I think I have bigger concerns than this fucking pigsty.”

“Does that mean I’m more important than germs?”

One moment they had a good foot of distance between them, and the next Levi’s face was once again smushed into Erwin’s shoulder as he hugged the blonde tight.

“I fucking hate you.”

Erwin’s hands in his hair. Would there ever be a feeling better than that?”

“I wish I could say the same, Levi. That would make this a lot easier.”

Levi’s fists managed to find an uncrumpled few inches of Erwin’s shirt, and crumpled it.

“You suck so much.”

“Actually I haven’t sucked anyone in quite a while. Might be a new record actually. That’s why I’m leaving. The record is in danger of breaking.”

Levi laughed, which surprised him. Erwin was always ruining sad things, curse him.

“What are you planning to do while you’re away?”

“Give my house a really thorough spring cleaning just in case a little grumpy midget decides to come for a visit.”

Levi smacked him. “NOT a midget.”

“You might as well be. You’re half my size.”

“ _You’re_ just excessively tall.”

“i wonder what you would have thought of Mike. He was 6’5.”

“Fucking big ass tree.”

Now Erwin laughed. But when he did it he swung Levi up off the ground and crushed him close.

Levi let out a surprised whoop and screamed, “Put me the fuck down!”

“Christ, I’m going to miss you,” Erwin said, completely ignoring him.

“And you’re choking me to death too,” Levi pointed out.

Erwin put him down. It was clear from the way he sighed that it was a regretful decision.

Levi slapped the blonde’s chest. “You better not get any fucking weirder while you’re gone.”

“I might develop some new hobbies.”

“Don’t you dare.”

“Just to pass the time.”

“I hope you’re talking about unexciting grandpa activities like stamp collecting.”

“Ew, no. I was thinking about getting a motorcycle and another tattoo.”

Levi had to clamp his mouth together tight to keep himself from drooling over that image.

“No. Absolutely no getting more irresistible.”

“Fuck you, I do what I want.”

Levi wrenched Erwin close and hissed up into his face. “Then I’ll do what _I_ want to you.”

Erwin clamped a hand over Levi’s mouth. “Not a good idea.”

Levi ripped the hand away. “I think it’s a _very_ good idea.”

“Levi…”

“Fucking kiss me already.”

“No.”

“I need it.”

“You don’t.”

“Fuck you.”

“I. Would fucking. Love to.”

Erwin slammed Levi up against the wall, and Levi went from pissed off to rock hard in a transformation that couldn’t have been longer than 0.2 seconds.

Erwin pinned Levi’s wrists above his head and pushed their foreheads together.

“Do you _think_ you’re the only one?” he demanded, breath heavy against Levi’s face. It smelled like mint and coffee.

Levi felt like something had punctured his lungs, because what the fuck was air? He let out a low needy whine.

Erwin shoved his thigh in between Levi’s legs and pushed up against him. “Huh? Is that what you think?”

Maybe it was his fever that spiked, but Levi didn’t think that was responsible for the heat that flooded him.

“ _Erwin_.”

“Because you’re not! To me, you fucking--to me you…”

Erwin blew out a harsh sigh and let his head drop to Levi’s shoulder. “Fuck.”

Levi pressed one of his hands to Erwin’s lower back, pressing them even closer together. Levi hoped the blonde didn’t mind that his erection was kind of obvious. It was too bad with the way they were positioned that he couldn’t see if Erwin was in a similar predicament. He hoped so. It would only be fair.

“Please kiss me,” Levi whispered. “Give me something to hold onto before you go.”

Erwin groaned. “The reason I’m going is because we’re not _supposed_ to be kissing.”

“Just one…”

Erwin snagged Levi’s chin and wrenched his face up. “Don’t you understand? It can’t be just one. Not when I’m like this.”

“What will you do?”

“I won’t stop at a kiss, that’s for fucking sure.”

“So then fuck me. Fuck me before you go. Take whatever you fucking want. I’ll give you everything.”

Levi had never said those words before, and yet he didn’t regret them when they passed his lips.

Erwin sucked in a sharp breath that Levi know had to have hurt. He knew because he’d just done the same thing.

“Levi. _Levi_.”

“Do it. I want you. And I know that no matter how strong the germs get I’ll still want you.”

“No. No, we _can’t_.”

“We can. I’m giving you my fucking consent. I want this. Nile already let you go. You’re not a nurse here right now. We’re on equal grounds, and I’m more in control of my fucking germs than I have been in five years. Now _fuck me_.”

“Levi!”

“FUCK ME.”

Erwin pulled back.

_No. No way_.

Levi’s hands shot forward to grab him, but Erwin caught his hands.

“I’ll be waiting,” he whispered, and pressed the hands to his mouth.

“Don’t…”

But Erwin had already taken a step back.

“Erwin…”

Erwin turned around, and then his feet found the steps.

“ _Please_.”

Moving faster, almost racing now, Erwin fled up the steps and out of sight.

“You’ll fuck anyone else! You’ll fuck every person in this goddamn building, but you won’t fuck me!” Levi screamed up at the man, hating himself bitterly for the words. But that hate was too exhausting to keep up. He slumped against the wall. He willed his feet to go after Erwin, to chase him and jump on him and demand to be taken to wherever he was going, god damn it. But the emptiness was too great and it kept his feet cemented to the ground as he slid down the wall to be a crumpled ball. So he had to live with the words that he’d just shouted up even though what he’d really meant was, “I love you, fucking bastard.”

But Erwin was gone. The door that had already slammed above him had made sure of that.

\--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All aboard the angst train, bitches! With stops at heartbreak, gross sobbing, gaping holes in your chest, and "I'm never going to be okay again." Enjoy the ride. There's not even any bathrooms onboard, just lots of boxes of tissues. So basically Levi's had a shitty past that I haven't finished unearthing yet, so stay tuned for more, Hanji's going to be up to her neck with Levi's pining, especially now that he knows that Erwin fucked EVEN Nile (christ--was he drunk at the time?) And Erwin's gone. That's always a good sign in an eruri fanfic, right? Or am I reading the rules wrong?  
> Basically what I'm trying to say is I'm sorry, and for all my jewish readers out there happy fucking hannukah hope you don't extinguish your menorahs with your tears. And strap in peeps because it aint getting better any fucking time soon. (Damn it, my mouth is getting as bad as Levi's at this point.)  
> To all of you who invaded my tumblr inbox I LOVE YOU AND YOUR MESSAGES HOLY SHIT i WANT TO KISS ALL OF YOU. And if you want to leave me vile messages that are full of how much you hate me for doing this to Levi that's welcome too.  
> And YES i do realize Levi's birthday is coming up, and YES i realize this is a really shitty present to him, so maybe I'll have to write something happier for an entirely different fic to present for his birthday because this aint going to cut it.  
> As always for all of you who need hugs and kisses and cookies I'm here for you, please don't beat me to death.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12:

Levi reached back, pulled Hanji’s arm back around his waist, and buried himself deeper in his sheets, fully intent in going back to sleep. But that, like many things these days, was too much to ask for.

The door to his room banged open and Nanaba blew in like a hurricane had swept her there.

“Goddamn it, Hanj. It’s time you re-institutionalize him. He’s gone fucking nuts.”

Levi leapt up like a cattle prod had been shoved up his ass. Hanji’s motions were a lot more sluggish. “izah wha?”

Nanaba looked toward Levi for guidance. “Interpretation?”

Levi sighed. “She said, who are you talking about, and why are you here at 8 am if we don’t have to go to group circle until 10?”

Nanaba blinked, clearly impressed. “You got all that from two malformed words that I don’t even think were originally English?”

Levi shrugged. “No, but those are the questions I have, and if Hanji wants to fucking talk she’ll wake the hell up and do it properly.”

Hanji groaned, shoved Levi back onto the bed and laid her head down on his chest.

“Oi! Shitty glasses! Don’t fucking--when’s the last time you washed your hair?”

“mmm...Easter.”

Considering that it was now October, Levi felt that his scream of horror was wildly appropriate.

“You _what?”_

“Hehe. Told ya he screams like a dying cat. You owe me ten bucks Naba.”

“You _bet_ on me?”

Levi glared, not at Hanji, whose assholishness he was unfortunately used to, but at Nanaba, who he felt should have been above this. Nanaba still looked impressed, and not at all sorry that she’d just lost ten bucks.

“The similarity _is_ eerie. Can you do that again, Levi? Let me record it this time. I gotta show Erwin.”

Levi wanted to toss something at the woman, but there was nothing he owned that he wanted to have to scrub down after he tossed it. He settled for another glare. “Absolutely not. Now why the hell are you here already?”

Nanaba let out a sound that the closest thing to a whale moan that Levi had actually heard in real life, and dragged herself across the room. She threw herself down on top of her bed, something he thoroughly disapproved of. He almost let out the cat scream again, but held it back only by thinking about the calming image of Erwin’s ass.

“It’s Erwin. He’s gone crazy, and I’m not suicidal enough to try and stop him.”

If Levi had been able to twitch his ears, he would have in response to the magic “E” word. He could hold off on kicking Nanaba off his bed in order to hear this.

“What did he do?”

Nanaba did the moan thing again. It seemed to relax her.

“He bought a lizard and named it fucking Desmond.”

“What?”

“I _know_. What kind of bitch ass name is _Desmond_?”

“That’s not what I’m talking about. Why the hell a lizard?”

“He said he wanted a little companion to love and to show affection to.”

“Lizards accept shows of affection?”

Nanaba shrugged. “So far all it seems to do is eat paper and shit, but Erwin says it’s because the thing’s ‘adjusting.’”

Hanji laughed. “That asshole is pining _so_ bad.”

Levi crossed his arms over his chest determined not to show how much those words pleased him. “Hey, don’t blame the lizard thing on me.”

“What I don’t get,” Nanaba said, punching the air with one finger. “Is that Erwin is a dog person. He loves them, like, an obscene amount. He and Mike used to have one. A big ol’ St. Bernard. Fucking biggest thing I’d ever seen besides Mike. So who the hell gets a lizard after owning the pet equivalent of a fluffy mattress?”

“Simple,” Hanji said, looking even more all-knowing. “It’s because Levi is allergic to dogs.”

Nanaba shot up, eyes round. “Shut the shit up.”

Levi was with Nanaba on that one.

Hanji finally sat up and scratched her ass. “It’s true. I remember him specifically asking me if you had any animal allergies. I told him anything with dander was out. I also told him that you weren’t fond of most animals, even without dander, because of how messy they were. Anything with slobber or hair or bad breath would give you heart palpitations. I guess that’s how he settled on a lizard.”

Levi’s heart was thudding in a rhythm that clearly could be translated as “That is the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for me. I’m going to cry because holy shit I’m so fucking in love with him I could puke.”

But of course he couldn’t say any of that. So he settled for, “You had better not touch me after scratching your filthy ass, shitty glasses science freak.”

Hanji grinned and scratched a bit more. “The happier he is the more adjectives he adds onto my name. He’s fucking ecstatic right now.”

“Naturally,” Nanaba said and reached for Levi’s bedside table. She picked up one of the magazines he had stacked on it. Runner’s world. He hadn’t gone seriously running in a long while, but when he’d asked Petra to bring him some fitness stuff, she’d brought over a stack of magazines, and that had been one of them. “Can I look through this?” Nanaba asked.

“You can have it if you want. I don’t need it.”

Nanaba smiled and dropped it to the bedspread in front of her before flipping it open.

Levi knew that the urge to change his sheets after the two women left would be almost unbearable, but he’d already decided that his goal for the week was to keep the same set of sheets on for all 7 days unless something happened to physically soil them. He was five days into it now. He knew that wouldn’t seem like a lot to other people, but he’d changed his sheets every day for at least ten years now, so this was a big motherfucking deal. If he got through the week in one piece he’d start on his next goal, the biggest one of all: not showering for three days. That was something even a lot of regular people didn’t do, so doing it would show himself that he could be a regular person too. He’d already told the others at group circle about his plan and they’d all been suitably impressed. Ymir had waved her hand in front of her face and told him that she might have to stay away from him if the B.O. got too bad. Eren let him know that showering for three days was no big deal and he’d gone almost two weeks once when he’d been at the height of his gaming addiction. (Levi had told him never to touch him without gloves ever again.) And Christa had offered to set his dirty clothes on fire if the germs bothered him too much. Naturally, he’d been very touched, and he’d expressed this by saying, “shut up you little shits.” They’d all teared up a bit at that. It was a good session. It had helped to psyche him up for something that terrified him. It was hard psyching himself up, but he was trying. He knew that if Erwin had been there with him it would have seemed light years easier. They probably would have made some sort of stupid game out of it. Not showering together and making dumb jokes about fainting from each other’s smelliness, and…

_Fuck, I miss him._

It had been five weeks since Erwin had left Levi in the Basement. Five weeks since he’d had to drag himself to his feet and climb the stairs to his room where Hanji was waiting for him. It had been a difficult five weeks. His progress had slowed down a lot. Erwin had had an energy to him that had invigorated Levi. Hanji was there of course. Without her Levi wouldn’t even want to get up in the morning. She was a life force. And she was definitely the most important person in his life, but he wanted Erwin. He made Levi feel so fucking alive. He’d been able to make ordinary crap like showering or making breakfast into adventures. Also Levi’s skin didn’t tingle when Hanji touched him. He wasn’t going to pretend that his physical attraction to the man wasn’t something he missed, but he was being honest when he said that wasn’t what he needed most. He didn’t, and that’s what Erwin hadn’t understood. Levi loved the man for who he was. He loved Erwin’s personality, razor sharp wit, and dorky old man persona. Even had Levi been straight and Erwin totally gross looking, if Levi had been exposed to the man the way he had been he would have felt just the same.

_I want him in my life, just, so fucking much._

Because what he gave Levi wasn’t sex, or the promise of sex or anything sex related, but happiness. Just like every other important person in his life, Levi loved Erwin because he brought him such beautiful happiness. It was uncomplicated when you looked at the root of it. And that’s why Levi was so determined to get out of here and fix himself up right, because the people who loved him had taught a stubborn old mule like him that he deserved happiness, and he was finally _finally_ seeking it out.

He was impatient, of course. Anyone would be. Especially since every few days Nanaba would burst in as she’d just done to tell him all this crazy news about Erwin. And yes, he _had_ gotten a motorcycle, _and_ a new tattoo. He’d gotten the Asclepius wand, the true symbol of the medical profession, tattooed on his bicep. According to Nanaba, Erwin had wanted to get her name tattooed onto himself as well, but she flat out refused, saying, “What am I, your girlfriend? If you want to tattoo a name onto yourself, put that midget on. His heart will stop when he finds out and at least it’ll have some entertainment value.” After she’d shared that particular epithet Levi had smacked her. Of course then he’d been stuck with the image of that in his head, and now every time he jacked off to the idea of Erwin, (something he did far too often to admit)  the man wore that particular tattoo near his collarbone. Yes, Levi knew, he was eternally fucked, and not in the good sense of the word.

But he was okay. Managing. He, of course, had better days and worse days. The worse ones were the days he regressed. The ones where the fear of germs would spike and his craving for alcohol would be a ripping feeling under his skin, but he tried not to let those days define his progress. It wasn’t that he was optimistic, he was just desperate to get better. Not just so he could see Erwin, but because he was sick of being a burden both to himself and to others. He wanted his life back. He wanted control.

He’d cried once. It had been a few days after Erwin had left--just enough time to let his initial bravery and strength from the man wane and be left with just his own self. Hanji had assured him when she’d seen his red eyes that she would have been worried if he _hadn’t_ cried, but he’d still felt like a baby. He didn’t have his shield. And he didn’t have Erwin’s teasing laugh. And so much had sucked. And Hanji had been so busy now that Erwin was gone and Gunther was out with the flu. She wanted so much to be there for him but he was being more careful now and forcing her to sleep. He didn’t need a repeat of what had happened with Erwin. So he saw her even less than he had before Erwin left. He didn’t think he would have cried if he hadn’t been feeling so vulnerable. It was talking about Isabel and Farlan that had done that to him. Finally he was allowing himself to think about them, trying to focus less on his guilt and more on how amazing they both had been, and the positive effect they’d had on his life. He was trying to use them for strength, but the guilt refused to leave. So it was that, plus Erwin’s absence, plus his stupid withdrawals and germs and lack of Hanji that had kick started the waterworks that day. But they hadn’t lasted long. After a couple of minutes he’d gotten up and forced himself to go to the gym. He was doing that a hell of a lot these days. He didn’t want to find a new obsession to replace alcohol. He didn’t want to become obsessed with anything. That wasn’t real control. But he did like the way it tired him out. He enjoyed going to bed with a comforting ache in his muscles. It helped him sleep when Hanji wasn’t there.

He looked up at Hanji. She’d slept in one of Levi’s undershirts, and now she reached over to the chair and snagged her lab coat.

“Are you seriously going to just put that on and go do your rounds?”

“Don’t tell me how to live my life.”

“You’re not _wearing_ anything. What if you catch a cold?”

“Why don’t you save your worrying for deciding what you’re going to get Erwin for his birthday.”

Levi’s eyes did the unattractive bulging thing.

“When is it?”

Hanji smirked the way she did when she _knew_ whatever she said was going to throw Levi into freak attack mode. “Tomorrow.”

What Levi’s eyes had been doing before was nothing compared to the bulging they were doing now.

“ _Tomorrow?”_

Hanji snickered. That did it. Levi leapt off the bed and grabbed her by the shoulders.

“Fucking _tomorrow?”_

“Uh yup.”

“And you didn’t think I might have wanted to know this information a little earlier?”

“Must have slipped my mind.”

Levi stared, and then he glared, and then, surprisingly, he paled and collapsed back onto the bed.

“Jesus Christ, woman.”

“Wow. This is an even better reaction than I thought.”

Nanaba continued to page through her magazine. Levi dragged a hand down his face.

“What should I do?”

Hanji plopped herself down beside him.

“Do you mean what you’d like to do or what you should do?”

“Are those very different things?”

“Of course. One involves you popping out of a cake and then ravishing the bastard, and the other has you doing nothing.”

“Nothing?”

“Nothing.”

That’s what Levi had been afraid of. His other hand joined his first on his face.

“But I can’t just do _nothing_. I _love_ him.”

Nanaba tore a page so hard it ripped. “You _what_?”

Levi’s mouth dropped open. “Shit. Did I just say that out loud?”

Hanji cackled. Nanaba dropped the magazine onto the bedspread, stalked over to him and stabbed a finger into his chest.

“You can’t possibly be in love with him.”

Levi was starting to feel a little cranky.

“And why’s that?”

“You haven’t known him long enough!”

“Yes I have.”

“ _No_. You haven’t.”

“Well it’s your word against mine and I think I’m the better authority about my feelings.”

“Suddenly an expert on feelings, are you?”

Levi pushed her finger off of his chest. “No. But I’ve never loved the wrong person before.”

“Are you saying that _I_ have?”

Any amount of his crankiness vanished in an instant. “What? _No_. I’m not saying that at all.”

“You think that you can spend a few weeks rolling around and taking baths together and suddenly you’re in love?”

Levi felt his mouth fall open again, but this time Hanji stepped forward.

“Naba—“

“Don’t you defend him. You were wary about what was happening with him and Erwin too.”

_Hold on one fucking second._

Levi rounded on Hanji.

“Is that true?”

Hanji scratched her head. “She’s making it sound more dramatic than it is.”

“Is it _true_?”

“Oh don’t look at me like that, Levi. I didn’t betray you or anything.”

“You are _always_ supposed to take my side. You’re the one that said it to me. At Isabel’s funeral. You told me that.”

“Calm down Levi. Of course I was taking your side.”

“She said—“

“I do have a name you know.”

At the same moment Hanji lifted her hand in a silencing gesture, and Levi shot Nanaba a glare. Nanaba snorted.

“Fucking married couple.”

The two went back to their argument.

“I wasn’t afraid you were going to do anything stupid—“

“Don’t you lie to me,” Levi snapped. “You always fucking tuck your hair behind your ears when you’re lying.”

Hanji stopped. Her fingers were in middle of tucking her hair behind her ears.

“Okay,” she allowed, “I was afraid you were going to do something stupid, but not for the reasons you think.”

“You thought I was going to make a fool of myself in front of everyone?”

“ _I_ make a fool out of myself every fucking day, Levi. I have no problem with people acting idiotic. I don’t. Not as long as they’re not hurting anyone.”

“What? So you were afraid I was going to hurt Erwin? That if we started some fucking romance or something and it went bad then he’d quit and you’d lose your most valuable staff? Well I’m fucking sorry then, because your worst nightmare came true, and—“

“I was _worried_ about _you_ getting hurt, asshole.”

Levi, who was set to start a rant that would peel the very paint from the walls, felt the air deflate from his lungs as he realized he had nothing to say.

“What?”

Hanji grabbed Levi’s wrist, yanked him forward, and proceeded to ruffle his hair in a horrifying way.

“I’m afraid because I think you’re right, that it _is_ real, and that’s why it’s so much more dangerous. Did I ever think anyone could make you fall for them that quickly? No. I thought it was impossible. You’re usually a lot more distrustful than that. But I underestimated Erwin. Sure, I knew he was smooth, but smooth doesn’t work on you. Neither does handsome, or charismatic, or even clean. But kindness…kindness works on you. So does openness, self-deprecation, and a strong resistance to your own personal brand of bullshit. I didn’t know Erwin had all those things, or that he would open himself to you so easily. I thought, like you, that he was closed off.”

Hanji shrugged her shoulders as if to say ‘guess I was wrong.’

“Since I’ve known him I’ve never seen him show romantic interest in anyone. There was sex. A lot of sex. But nothing close to what was happening between you two.”

Levi just watched as Hanji reached into one of the big pockets of her lab coat and brought out her phone. She messed around with it for a few seconds and then shoved the screen in his face.

“See this?”

Levi pulled the thing back a couple of inches so that he wasn’t staring at it cross-eyed, and looked at it properly. It was a picture. The first thing Levi noticed was the mop of blonde hair. Erwin. And then he saw a familiar second figure, himself. And then he saw the way Erwin was holding him, cradled, almost like an infant, in his arms. He saw his head curled into Erwin’s shoulder as the blonde rested his head on top of Levi’s. Both their eyes were closed. And even though it was just a picture, Levi could see the tenderness there. It wasn’t a fragile kind of tenderness like a strand of spider’s silk, easily snapped with just a puff of air. It was strong. He saw it in the way Erwin’s arms encircled him. There was nothing insecure about that hold. Levi was tucked fully into the nest of Erwin, and he looked like he’d been born to fit there. Just looking at the picture, Levi could feel his heart swell as he looked at the man his heart already belonged to. It didn’t feel like a new love. His heart…maybe it was confused, but when it looked at the man holding him in that photo he saw someone who had been holding him that way for years. Worn in. That’s what it looked like. The way they surrounded each other was the same way a favorite pair of shoes fit. Comfortable. Secure. Beloved. Two old men snoring away in each other’s arms. Pretty gross, Levi knew, so why— _why_ —was his stupid heart soaring to untold fucking heights?

“That was the _first_ night,” Hanji said as Levi cradled the phone in his hands. “The first time I’d ever seen you guys together. The _first_.”

Levi pressed his finger to the screen, right on top of Erwin’s face. But Hanji grabbed her phone back and stabbed her finger at the screen a lot harder than he had done. Levi winced.

“ _This_ is not supposed to happen. You were having a breakdown. I thought I was going to come back to a fucking code blue or whatever. But I found you fast asleep, and peacefully asleep at that. I have to admit, my first thought wasn’t ‘oh isn’t that cute!’ it was actually, ‘holy shit, I know I’m a hardcore scientist and all, but there’s definitely witchcraft at work here.’ But you know what? It wasn’t witchcraft. It was just more of whatever we had—you know, the thing, the bond we both felt the first day we met. Something _old_ , familiar, in each other. And when I realized that I was able to snap the picture, and breathe a little easier, but not _too_ much easier, because I don’t care how connected all this soul crap is, you’ve still never had that kind of relationship with anyone before and it was way too intense to keep me completely calm.”

Levi stood up and began to pace. “Are you saying that like you, he’s my—“

“No! _I’m_ your fucking soul mate. That’s it. You don’t get any more.”

Levi laughed, and the sound broke a lot of the tension. “You are _not_ the jealous type.”

“Fuck off. I can’t compete with abs like those. I’ve got to have _something_ to lord over him.”

But she was smiling too.

But even if Levi and Hanji were all sorted out, somebody else wasn’t.

“Excuse the bullshit, but _I didn’t give you permission to fall in love with my dork_.”

It was Levi’s turn to snort. “I need your permission?”

“My blessing, or whatever. Same shit.”

“So give me your blessing.”

“No!”

“Well why the fuck not?”

“Because Erwin was a fucking 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle after mike died—we’re talking a stupid amount of pieces that were all annoying sky bits. It took him _forever_ to get his shit together. Longer than me. I think it was because of the whole guilt thing. So if you think I’m just going to risk him becoming like that again—forget it.”

“I can’t _forget_ it. I’m crazy about him.”

“Well go be crazy about someone else.”

“No. It’s gotta be him.”

“Well now you’re just being fucking stubborn.”

“No I’m not! That’s like telling _you_ to just forget Mike.”

Nanaba’s hand whipped out so fast that even Levi, with his intense years of training, still barely saw it coming. He caught her wrist just before she made contact, but that didn’t stop her.

“Don’t you _dare_ compare your two fucking months to a lifetime spent with Mike.”

“Okay, that came out wrong,” Levi admitted. “All I was trying to say was that this is important to me, and basically you’re spitting in my face.”

“You’re unstable now. None of this shit can be trusted. Your brain is whacko with weird chemicals and rewiring.”

“I feel a lot fucking stronger than I have in a long time.”

“That could just be endorphins.”

“Or it could actually be some fucking progress, you ever think of that?”

Levi’s cranky meter was rising again.

“Everyone’s so quick to dismiss all my words and actions for those of a crazy man, but you know what? Fuck you. I was way crazier before. The hazy vision is gone. The stupid paranoia and immobilizing terror is under control. I can put my fucking bare feet on the floor in this room and that is hard won fucking progress, okay?”

Levi smacked one of his bare feet against the tile to illustrate his point.

“I have made it through the last five weeks without Erwin and I have done _a lot_ , and I’m actually sort of proud of myself for it. And yes, I’ll admit, thinking about Erwin does help me. But I’m not going to give that up just because you think I’ll destroy Erwin. Because I won’t. I don’t care what I’ve done in the past. I mean, obviously I care, but I mean that I’m not going to let that close out all my future behavior. I’ve been doing all this group therapy shit here every day and interacting with all the other patients and exposing myself to their cooties and everything and I haven’t caused anyone to have mental breakdowns. And Erwin is tough as shit. One of the reasons I love him is because I can sling as much verbal shit as I can think of, which is a lot, by the way, and he’ll brush that trash off like sparkling dew drops or whatever. So right now we’re both surviving and I haven’t fucked shit up, and I think that’s worth something.”

Nanaba held up her hands. “You’re right, I’m an overprotective ass and I’m letting that overshadow everything and that’s not fair. Forgive me?”

Levi looked at her. She widened her eyes to make herself look more like a puppy. He supposed that was about right. Erwin was the golden lab and Nanaba was the puppy.

“Yeah, whatever.”

“Good. Now fucking look at the damn magazine already because I promised not to tell and hinting to you is as far as my conscience allows me to go.”

Levi blinked. Nanaba grinned and threw herself down on the chair beside the bed.

“You’re gonna like it.”

Levi turned to the bed where the magazine was lying, open and face down on the sheets.

“Center spread. Prepare yourself.”

Things like confusion and suspense hit him. He glanced over at Hanji. She just cackled again. Talk about useless soul mates. So there was nothing to pick up the damn thing and flip to the center spread.

“Holy…. _shit_.”

Levi stared. That was all he could do. He’d never prepared for anything like it.

“He...he…”

Now Nanaba was cackling too.”

“When I saw the way it turned out I knew you’d piss yourself.”

Levi was afraid he’d do a lot more than piss himself, because there in front of him was a two page advertisement for the next American Cancer Society’s DetermiNation full marathon and on it...dear god...on it was a sweat slicked Erwin wearing nothing but a pair of running shorts and sneakers, looking directly at the camera with the kind of fierce determination the race had been named for, as he swiped the sweat from his face with one well-muscled forearm.

Levi’s brain didn’t know how to react so it just spit out the first thought that came to mind.

_Either that’s some hella Photoshop work, or his muscles have gotten bigger._

Levi took in the great expanse of glistening clenched flesh and bid himself goodbye because death by nosebleed looked like the way he was going to go.

“I know exactly what he’s thinking too,” said a gleeful Nanaba, “Help me god for I have sinned.”

“He doesn’t believe in god though,” Hanji pointed out.

“Everyone believes in god when exposed to abs like that,” Nanaba said. “And _yes_ , Levi. Those _are_ real. He’s been training hella hard.”

“But what…”

English language was now a difficult concept for Levi.

“But what _is_ this?”

“Pro bono work,” Nanaba said. “And I don’t know about you, but I definitely think this will raise awareness.”

Levi’s fingers itched to touch the paper but he knew how pathetic that would look.

“But _why_?”

“You’ll have to ask him that yourself.”

And. Levi realized, that wasn’t a bad idea. He snatched Hanji’s phone from her relaxed fingers.

“Hey!”

“What do you have him under in your contacts? Knowing you it’s something borderline psychotic.”

“What are you talking about? I have very normal contact information.”

“What’s he under?”

“Eyebrow infestation.”

“How fucking dare you. Those brows are two of the seven wonders of the world.”

“Wait,” Nanaba interrupted. “You’re going to call him?”

“Hell yeah I’m going to call him,” Levi said with a lot more confidence than he actually had. “First I find out he has a secret birthday, then I find out he’s randomly decided to start modeling again after quitting cold turkey. Those things along with the lizard show me that this man is capable of anything, and should be considered armed and considerably dangerous. Now I need to find out what else he’s hiding before he hurts himself.”

“What’s he armed with?” Nanaba asked.

“And everyone but you knew about his birthday. That doesn’t make it a secret,” Hanji said.

“Shut up, both of you. I need to concentrate.”

Levi pretending his fingers weren’t shaking as he found Erwin’s number, pressed dial, and pushed the phone to his ear.

Both Nanaba and Hanji were cackling again.

“Oh my god, he’s actually doing it,” Nanaba said.

“How’s Erwin going to react?”

“They’re both such fucking dorks, _Christ_.”

“You do realize Levi was just looking for an excuse to call him, right? All this is bogus.”

“ _Obviously.”_

Levi shot both women dead eyed glares. He wanted to tell them to go away, but he knew they’d only laugh if he did. Looked like this conversation was going to be an audience. Anxiety twisted through his gut.

_It’s okay. It’s Erwin. You’ve talked to him so many times._

Yeah, his mind answered him, but it’s been five weeks.

_Isn’t this one of those things like riding a bike? You never forget._

Well let’s hope so.

“Hey Hanj, what’s up?”

The voice that answered sounded a bit winded, but it was still Erwin’s voice. Levi froze.

_Damn damn damn. I forgot how to human speech. How do I do this? HOW DO I FUCKING DO THIS?_

Levi forced himself to take a breath.

_All you need is a greeting. Something casual and noninflammatory._

“Hey fuckhead.”

_Shit!_

A shocked pause, and then a laugh.

“Levi!”

A rush of warmth into his stomach, twisting along with the anxiety there.

“Missed me too much?” Erwin asked.

_This fucking asshole._

“Shut up.”

Another laugh, still winded sounded. That got Levi’s curiosity.

“What are you doing?”

“Jacking off.”

“ _What?”_

“Sorry, sorry,” The words were flooded with laughter. “I just wanted to see how you’d react.”

“You fucking…”

There was no point in going on. Erwin would only hear how much Levi sounded like he’d punctured a lung.

“Asshole, yeah. I know. Jesus, it’s good to hear your voice. I think I only had a few more days in me before I caved and called. I’m glad you’re the one who chickened out first.”

“First of all, fuck you, I have a good reason to call, unlike you, Mr. pining away. And second of all--fuck, I don’t have a second of all. But if you keep it up I’m going to hang up on your pretentious ass.”

“No, no, anything but that.”

Levi’s lips curled into a smile. The anxiety was leaking out of his pores as the warmth pushed it out.

“Tell me you miss me Levi. I don’t care if it’s true, I just want to hear it.”

Levi flushed. Of course it was true. But he had a little problem.

“I have an audience.”

Levi could _hear_ the cheeky grin in Erwin’s voice. “Tell me anyway.”

“No!”

“Tell me you miss me holding you.”

“You--you fucking…”

“Tell me you miss my antiseptic scented ass.”

“Erwin motherfucking Smith!”

“Tell me--”

“I’m not telling you anything, god damn it!”

“Hehe I’ve flustered you haven’t I?”

“NO.”

“I have.”

“Fuck you.”

“Still going on about that?”

Levi laughed. It was such a free and open sound and Erwin had pulled it out of him after just two minutes on the phone.

“All right,” Levi said. Time to give in. “I miss you.”

He heard Hanji making kissing noises and Nanaba had begun to sing “Erwin and Levi sitting in a tree.” He knew glaring would do him no good, so he smacked a hand over his face. If you can’t see the haters they don’t exist.

“How much?” Erwin asked, completely ignoring the taunting Levi was getting.

“Okay, now you’re pushing it too far.”

“How much?”

“Fuck you to the deepest pits of--”

“Sometimes I miss you so much that I have to bite the skin on my hands so I don’t scream from it.”

Levi did the exact opposite of a gasp. It was more like a breath of air was shoved out of him. A little airball projectile.

_Erwin…_

Levi pushed a hand against his stomach. He suddenly felt unsteady.

“So how much do you miss me, Levi?”

Erwin didn’t sound winded anymore. Levi squeezed his eyes tightly shut.

“A lot.”

Too few words to try and describe things the way they were. He inhaled a juddering breath.“A hell of a lot.”

Now Levi knew, even if he couldn't see, that a slow smile was spreading across ERwin’s face. The one that looked like the rising sun after a long winter night.

“Thank you,” Erwin said. “I had this dumb idea that I was the only one.”

“Are you an idiot? I had a fucking panic attack when I thought you were leaving.”

“Yeah, well, a lot can happen in five weeks.”

“Not _that_ much.”

“Maybe they found new staff to replace me. Sexier staff with even more commanding eyebrows.”

“You have the ultimate eyebrows.”

“That’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me.”

“You need to get out more.”

“Honestly, if you say one more thing that sounds like it came out of my mom’s mouth I’m going to run away screaming. That shit’s just creepy.”

“I want to meet your mom.”

The second those words came out of his mouth, Levi realized what they sounded like.

_Fuck. He’s going to think I’m trying to meet her because I want to be his boyfriend or some shit._

But Erwin’s response was just as breezy as always.

“Trust me, you do _not_ want to meet her.”

“Now I just want to meet her even more.”

Erwin chuckled. “Maybe you will someday. Don’t be offended if she doesn’t like you.”

“I’m offended already.”

Erwin chuckled, and there was a short moment of comfortable silence. Levi let it fill him up. He’d completely forgotten why he’d called in the first place.

“It’s a good thing this is just a phone conversation,” Erwin said. “There’s no doubt in my mind that if I was there right now I would have kissed you already.”

Levi didn’t blush very often. He hadn’t even been sure that he was able to do it properly. But right now he flushed so pink that the color traveled all the way down and slipped under his collar. He was pretty sure if he opened his mouth cute happy noises would come out, and that would be horrible.

“Levi?”

“Yeah?”

“There are some words I want to say to you, but I promised myself I wouldn’t tell you until you were out of the center. So finish up quickly, okay? Waiting is hard.”

That’s it. That was it. Levi was never going to turn back to a normal shade now.

_Does he mean…_

Levi couldn’t even think the words. They were too impossible.

Nanaba poked him. “He’s beat red. You think he’s choking on something?”

“Yeah,” Hanji said, “Embarrassment.”

“Dork.”

“You could say that again.”

Levi shoved them both away and squished the phone more effectively against his face.

“Come visit me.”

The impulsive words flew out of his mouth, but thankfully Levi was able to convince himself that they were all Erwin’s fault. Really, what had the man expected after blurting something like _that_ out to him? Dumb old geezer…

Behind him both Nanaba and Hanji let out simultaneous whoops.

“Whoo! Be assertive!”

“Show him whatchu want!”

“Don’t take no for an answer!”

“Unleash the beast!”

Levi drew his finger across his neck in the universal symbol of “If you don’t shut up I’m going to fucking slaughter you.”

“For your birthday,” Levi muttered into the phone. “I know you probably already have plans, but I want to give you a present.”

Levi had no idea what he was going to give the man. He was pretty sure that his naked body presented with a bow wasn’t going to fly very well.

There was just the sound of Erwin’s breathing. That wasn’t good. The anxiety began to grow again.

_Shit. I fucked up. I FUCKED UP._

“Levi, I...I don’t know if that’s such a good idea.”

_Of course it’s not a good idea. I don’t have good ideas on principle._

“Just for a few minutes. It doesn’t have to be long. Just to see you.”

Levi was deeply aware of how desperate and pathetic he sounded, but just in case he hadn’t noticed he had Nanaba and Hanji making gagging noises in the background to remind him.

Erwin groaned. “Do you realize how fucking hard it is to resist you? It’s not _fair._ ”

“Does that mean you’ll come?”

More of Erwin’s breathing. It might have been in Levi’s head, but it sounded a little labored.

Though it sounded like the women in the room with him were going to laugh themselves dead if he went any farther, he would just have to risk it. He played the last desperate card.

“It will be public. We can meet in the recreation room. Everyone will be there so you don’t have to worry about me jumping you, or whatever.”

Even more breathing. If Erwin didn’t say something soon Levi was going to smack the eyebrows off of him.

“Seeing your face...even if it’s just for a few minutes, would be the best birthday present ever.”

Tingles of excitement in Levi’s fingers.

“Is that a yes?”

“Is 5 pm tomorrow all right?” Erwin asked.

Levi was overwhelmed by how much he wanted to kiss _everything_. He sent an elated smile to Hanji. She held out her hand for a high five and he smacked the crap out of it.

“Five pm is fine.”

“Shit, this is so fucking…”

“I know.”

“I can’t wait to see you. Like, I fucking can’t stand it already. _Fuck_.”

Levi was grinning like an asshole and he couldn’t have given less of a shit about it.

“But we have to behave, okay?” Erwin said. His voice was all barely suppressed excitement. “You can’t let me slam you against the wall so I can have my way with you.”

“No promises.”

“ _Levi_.”

“Okay, okay, no making out. I got it.”

“Shit. I’m over 8 miles away from my house and with my mind the way it is I’ll probably get lost on my way running back.”

“You’re _running_ eight miles?”

“I’ve already run eight. The plan was to do eighteen today.”

“What the _fuck_.”

“I know. I wasn’t supposed to say anything, but I’m kind of giddy right now.”

“Does this have to do with the marathon ad thing?”

“Shit. You saw that?”

“Of course I saw it. How could I _miss it_?”

“Shit. I’m going to kill Nanaba.”

“Why the hell would you want to hide something like that from me?”

“Because I don’t want you to think that I’m a douchebag.”

“Why would I think that?”

“Because it looks like I’m running a cancer marathon because I’m trying to get into your pants. But I’m _not_. I mean, I _am_ trying to get into your pants. No. wait, I’m trying to _prevent_ myself from getting into your pants, but it has nothing to do with the marathon. I just, when you told me about Isabel, It really resonated with me. And I’m a fucking nurse and I’ve never done anything about standing up for cancer and it’s just--shit, I’m just making my case worse, aren’t I?”

No. He wasn’t making a bad case at all. He was making Levi _really really_ in love with him, but he wasn’t presenting a bad case.

“You fucking nerd.”

“Shut up! _I know_.”

“So not only are you taking sexy wet almost naked pictures of yourself, but you’re going to be running the marathon too?”

“Yeah...I’m getting sponsored by Adidas, so if I win they’re going to donate a shitload of money to cancer research.”

“YOU’RE TRYING TO WIN?”

“What? Don’t think I can?”

“Erwin!”

“Okay your tone is offending me right now.”

“You’re going to be 38 tomorrow. You’re an old fucking man!”

“A _determined_ old fucking man.”

“I don’t believe this.”

“Hey I wasn’t always on the wrestling team in high school and college. Before that I was on track. I’m a fast bastard.”

“Nanaba’s right. You have gone nuts since you left. You gotta get back to work.”

“So i guess this means I won’t be able to rely on you to be my personal cheerleader.”

“When’s the fucking race?”

“In a month in a half. January third.”

“It’ll be cold as balls out there!”

“I’ll be doing all my training outdoors to acclimate.”

“And I thought _I_ was the crazy one.”

“I’ll be fine. And even if I don’t win they’ll still donate half the money.”

“I’m going to do it too.”

“What?”

“The race. I’ll be out of here by then. I’m going to do it with you. We’ll run together.”

“Levi…”

“Don’t say it.”

“You don’t have to--”

“I _want_ to. And don’t worry, I won’t slow you down. I’m a fast bastard too.”

“That…”

“Unless you honestly don’t want me to race with you don’t say another word about it.”

A pause.

“Thank you, Levi. That would be amazing.”

“I’ll start training today. You’re not the only one who wants to fuck cancer up.”

Levi got another poke.

“If you stay on the phone any longer I’m going to staple my iphone to your head,” Hanji said.

Levi was going to respond to her with the very mature response of sticking out his tongue, but Nanaba grabbed the phone while he was distracted and pressed it to her own face.

“You guys are the fucking worst. I can’t believe people like you exist.”

Levi lunged to get the phone but Nanaba leapt off the bed, out of reach, while Hanji jumped on him.

“Yeah he’s been doing the whole “when will my husband return from the war” routine, but he’s making a lot of progress,” Nanaba continued, clearly set on ruining Levi’s life. “He spends way too much time in the gym here, though. I guess he’s got the same method that you do for burning off all that repressed sexual energy.”

Nanaba listened to Erwin’s response and laughed. “Don’t worry, I won’t tell him.”

“What?” Levi demanded. “What did he say?”

“He said he can’t wait to see you.”

Levi would have been able to spot Nanaba’s lie from 1000 more feet away. “No he didn’t!”

Nanaba ignored him, but just as he finally shoved Hanji’s carcass off of him, she said, “Yeah, all right, see you later,” and hung up.

Levi glared at both of them for all of two seconds before throwing his hands in the air. He had much bigger things to worry about than annoying female friends.

“What the fuck am I supposed to get him for his birthday?” he groaned.

Both women started to offer suggestions, and Levi had to try not to rip his hair out by the roots, because, naturally, all their ideas were terrible.

\--

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please take these dorks away from me I can't handle them anymore. Why are they such LOSERs?  
> A relatively fluffy chapter to make up for the last angst ridden thing you had to slog through (treasure it while it lasts.) I'm supposed to be working on my final writing project now for school, but this happened instead. decided to rush and finish this before I headed to work.  
> This damn thing is over 100k now *war flashbacks with "Alcohol eyebrows and shattered noses"* And it looks like it's going to be my longest fic ever. Strap in friends (Thanks for keeping up the steady stream of encouragement!)


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: Vomit, blood, feces
> 
> I apologize in advance for anyone's hurt. You might want to read this AFTER Christmas
> 
> Also, if you happen to be a fan of Kenny Ackerman you probably won't like this chapter.

Chapter 13:

Levi was covered in animal juices and gravy and that was _not_ his preferred way of spending a Saturday afternoon.

“Shit,” he hissed as he accidentally sent _yet another_ cascade of flour down onto his shoes.

“You moanin’ again?” Agatha tossed back, slapping the pan she’d been holding back down on one of the stoves of the addiction center’s kitchen.

“Of course I am,” Levi said. He smacked at his pants to discharge some of the white powder, but it clung stubbornly. “I _hate_ this.”

“You hate the _mess_ ,” Agatha corrected. She wiped her hands on her apron and walked briskly across the distance that separated them. “But you’re actually a dab hand at cooking.”

Agatha was the cook at the center. She was a 60 year old black woman with no nearby plans of retiring. She weighed a good eighty pounds more than Levi, and wore it a lot better than he ever could have done. She was also a good 7 inches taller than he was, which meant that when they were standing side by side Levi had to tilt his head back a little to talk like he did with Erwin. Levi had liked her since the day he’d first met her. She’d been accommodating when Erwin had explained Levi’s situation, and had made sure that none of the other kitchen staff had ever touched Levi’s personal work station. Whenever she saw him she offered her assistance, but she knew to keep her distance whenever he wanted it. She was intuitive, warm, and just pushy enough to get passed many of his self-constructed walls. Also she didn’t deal with any bullshit, and had taken to smacking him on the back of the head whenever he started whining about Erwin. He got smacked in the head a lot.

Levi took a step back and let her expert eyes travel over his work. He’d just been frosting the “cake” with mashed potatoes, but a sudden noise had made his arm jerk and had sent a blob of it into his eye, and that’s when his frustration had started to rise yet again.

“Lookin’ good,” Agatha said and took the spatula from his hand. She began to smooth out the uneven bits with quick practiced strokes. “I already know he’s going to love this.”

“You haven’t even tasted it yet.”

“That may be, but I saw the way you were motherin’ those steaks like Jesus himself had tossed them into your lap and bid you to take care of them. And don’t even get me started on the caramelized onions. I haven’t even seen infants in the NICU watched that closely.”

Before Hanji had recruited her to work for the center, Agatha had been the cook at a large children’s hospital.

Levi watched his lumpy potato frosting transformed into a smooth and gleaming expanse of white. The “cake” had happened because Hanji had told Levi that Erwin didn’t have a sweet tooth. Zippo. None. Levi had found that really hard to believe. Weren’t all dorks supposed to have a sweet tooth? He was pretty sure it was an actual law somewhere, but then both Erd and Gunther had corroborated Hanji’s theory, and Levi had been stumped until Petra had suggested the idea of a meat cake. He’d wanted to go out with Hanji to pick up the ingredients, but because of the temporary patient that had just come in this morning, he’d had to let Agatha order the stuff in. He was allowed to leave the facility so long as a trusted and highly trained member of staff was with him. Over the time that Erwin had been gone, he’d mainly gone out with Erd and Hanji, but now that he was going to start training for the marathon (he’d run seven miles on the treadmill the day before) he was going to start running with Shadis every morning. When he’d told the members at group circle about this they’d all given him their heartfelt goodbyes and promised to be at his funeral, but he wasn’t worried. He’d talked to the man a bunch of times in the two months he’d been at the home, and he’d realized that Shadis’s tough outward exterior was pretty much a cover for the teddy bear like inside. All one had to do was ask about the man’s grandchildren to see the warmth in him. But Levi hadn’t chosen Shadis as a running partner for his warmth. If he was going to take Erwin’s claim to win the marathon seriously, he was going to need someone to grind his nose into the pavement.

Every member of Hanji’s staff had a story, and before Shadis been roped into the addiction center, he had spent 20 years as an army nurse, and that experience was clearly apparent in the drill sergeant like quality of the man’s speech. His first running session with the man was at 5 am tomorrow morning, before shift started, and they’d be running twelve miles. Shadis himself was a seasoned marathon runner, and he’d warned Levi that he didn’t move slowly. That was all right. It wasn’t like Levi was out of shape. He’d been doing a lot of weight lifting in the five weeks Erwin had been gone, but he’d also thrown in a healthy amount of cardio. Though twelve miles would definitely be a stretch for him. He hoped he’d be able to manage it.

He’d wanted to go out running _this_ morning, but Hanji had wanted all the staff on hand. Levi couldn’t imagine that one new temporary patient could be that much of a handful, but she’d told him she wanted to be exceedingly careful. The facility he’d come from had dubbed him “the smiling Titan.” No one knew his name, or where he’d originally come from. He’d been put in a high security lockdown ward for the criminally insane after he’d killed and eaten an infant child in broad daylight. The facility he was in had experienced a plumbing issue and his ward had flooded, because of that the patients had been redistributed for temporary holding in the surrounding psychiatric facilities. They’d come begging Hanji to take in the man mostly because everyone else had refused. Hanji had been tempted to refuse too. She’d said that looking into the prisoner’s eyes had sent goosebumps over her entire body. But the scientist in her wasn’t able to refuse, and so she had taken him in this morning at 11 am with the promise that he’d return to his facility tomorrow. Levi hadn’t seen the patient. He was being held on the third floor. Nile was with him now, but two other staff were going to go up and watch him while he brought his bolo tie ass down to see Erwin when he came. Which meant that right now Levi had to worry about his cake, and the fact that Erwin would be at the center for his birthday celebration soon.

The cake was layered steak and ground meat with layers of bacon and gravy interspersed throughout. He’d been working on it for several hours now, and most of the time, as Agatha had already said, had been spent being too painstakingly annoying about it. But now he was out of time, so it had to go out the way it was.

“Go on,” Agatha said and shoved at his back. “I’ll ice it and put the candles on. You just go and change. I hope you’re wearing your booty jeans. He loves those ones.”

“My what?”

“The dark stretchy ones with the stitching on the pockets. Every time you wear that pair he can’t take his eyes off your ass. I’ve seen it, and every time I’ve felt bad for the poor man. Too much lust and not enough rollin’ around in the hay.”

Now Levi felt like it was _his_ birthday.

“Really?”

“Have I ever lied to you, son?”

“How would I know?”

“Well I haven’t. Now go on and get dressed. I know Gunther keeps a cologne in his locker that’s real nice. If you don’t have any you can go borrow—“

“I have my own stuff, Ag. Don’t worry.”

“Well then go put it on already. If you gas around here any longer I’m going to start to think you don’t want to see him.”

Levi grinned and slapped his pants once more with no effect. The flour was clingier than he was at the idea of Erwin. “I’m going, I’m going!”

Agatha gave him a shove anyway. “And brush your teeth, son. You might get lucky.”

“He made me promise no funny business.”

“Yeah, well, he hasn’t seen you in them jeans yet. Now go on.”

Levi ran out of the kitchen. He made sure to toss one last breathless grin at the cook before the door slammed behind him. He glanced at his watch. 4:39. That left him only a few minutes to get ready. He hadn’t realized it had gotten so late. He raced up the stairs and burst into his room. He glanced at his bed where the clothes he’d picked out before were supposed to be lying, but they were there no longer. In their place was Hanji.

“Since you’re already going to accuse me, yes I got rid of your grandpa clothes.”

Levi could see the surprising tenseness in the set of her shoulders. She was expecting him to lay into her with some well-chosen words. He smirked. “Whatever. Help me find my booty jeans.”

She laughed and jumped off the bed. “I thought you’d never ask.”

Several minutes later he was dressed in the jeans (They turned out to be the pair that he’d been meaning to throw out because they were a bit tighter than the pants he normally wore. Of course now he was _never_ going to get rid of them). He was also wearing a tasteful olive green button down. When he’d told Hanji what Erwin had said about him and the color green she’d made sure to revamp his wardrobe a little. He looked into the mirror and saw that, indeed, his butt looked amazing.

“I would totally fuck me,” he said to his reflection.

“Good,” Hanji said. “That means Erwin’s definitely going to have a heart attack. Now fix your hair.”

“ _You’re_ telling _me_ to fix my hair?”

“Shut up. You have flour in it.”

Levi dutifully fixed his hair. Before he could take another once over at himself though, Hanji was already tugging him out of the room. “Let’s go. Can’t miss the big reunion moment.” She pulled him down the stairs and back onto the first floor where the recreation room was. It was full. Most of the staff were there, as were most of the patients. Everyone wanted to see Erwin, and that reminded Levi that he, in no way, had a monopoly on love for the man. Many of the other patients were chattering excitedly to each other. Most of them were holding presents. Levi looked down at his own present. It was in his clenched fist, and It was unwrapped. He was starting to feel stupid about it now. Why had he thought Erwin would like it? He opened his hand enough to see it peeking through at him. It was a bracelet with stainless steel beads. He had only ever bought four of them. He’d found them in China. He’d gone once to learn from a teacher there. When he’d arrived he’d learned that the man, a martial arts master, had already died. It was a short visit. But before he left he’d stopped by a small temple and there they had a little shop stand that sold the steel bracelets he’d seen. Levi never wore jewelry. It was just an extra thing to clean. He always tried to wear as little as possible. But those bracelets--they’d called out to him. The shopkeeper there had told him that the bracelets were symbols of protection. He didn’t believe it. But he’d still bought them. One each for himself, Isabel, Farlan, and Hanji. Isabel’s and Farlan’s were both in the ground, buried with them. Hanji still wore hers on her wrist, and had been wearing it every day since Levi had given it to her. And Levi...well he had his on and off days. The days the germs were really bad he couldn’t stand to wear it, but otherwise he tried. He felt a connection to it. When he couldn’t wear it he kept it on his bedside table. Because of the steel beads it was relatively easy to clean and could withstand pretty intense antiseptic. He’d grown really fond of the beads. They meant something to him. He didn’t have very many personal possessions he liked. Even fewer that meant anything to him; just a couple of things he had from Isabel, Farlan, and Hanji. The beads he was holding in his hand were the only thing he’d ever bought that he felt a connection to and he was about to give them to Erwin. He liked the idea of giving the man something that meant something to him, but he doubted that Erwin would look at the beads and think “well Jesus, I always wanted me some steel jewelry.” But it didn’t matter. So long as Erwin didn’t throw it out he’d be happy, even if the man never wore it.

Levi brushed his thumb over the beads. They’d always been so smooth. He thought about their protective quality. He knew they didn’t really have the power to save him, but it still felt appropriate to give them to the man who had become his shield. Who needed beads when he could have Erwin? But it wasn’t about himself. He just hoped that if by any impossible reason the beads _could_ work he wanted to use them to protect all the people he loved, and Erwin was one of those people.

He and Hanji walked into the room and the people in it parted to give them access to the center table. On it was the meat cake, beautifully decorated by Agatha with the words “Jesus _fuck_ , you’re old.” Levi smiled. He’d dictated the words himself. Hanji put a hand on his shoulder.

“I’m going to run out front and snag him. He’s probably already out there just waiting until exactly 5 so he doesn’t look desperate, but we both know the real truth.”

Levi nodded, he was doing the dumb grinning thing again and he couldn’t stuff it away because he was feeling too giddy. He couldn’t believe this moment was really happening. He hadn’t really been able to sleep last night he was so excited. It was hard to remember too many moments like these in recent memory. After Isabel and Farlan had died it had been hard to look forward to anything. But now he looked forward to this, to seeing Erwin after what felt like so long. Before, with the alcohol, the weeks and months had merged together in an indifferent haze. But now every day was bright with color and people and work, sweat and effort. At first he’d thought it was too bright. The alcohol had dulled things for so long, but he liked it this way, and he _never_ wanted to go back to the way things had been.

Levi watched Hanji race out of the room. She never conducted herself with the stereotypical dignity of a doctor, but she didn’t need that here. Here was a home for sick misfits hoping to find strength, and Hanji was their eccentric mother. Levi felt another tug at his arm. He didn’t flinch at the contact like he used to. It was Reiner. Levi’s eyes lit up.

“What? You couldn’t get enough of this place?”

Reiner grinned and wrapped Levi in a hug. “Guess I missed you too much.”

Levi pulled back and looked at the man. He was practically glowing with happiness. Beside him was his ridiculously tall boyfriend turned fiancé. Even though they were both looking at Levi, they were still omnisciently aware of the other’s presence, and their bodies subconsciously moved to keep close to each other’s space. It was gross in the nice way that things are gross. Reiner had graduated from the program two weeks ago and from the texts he’d sent Levi in that time it seemed he was doing great. Levi had to admit, it was bolstering to see a success story.

“Yeah right, you only miss my muscle training.”

Bertholdt stretched a hand forward, and Levi shook it.

“So it’s you I have to thank for the even greater improvement in his physique,” Bertholdt said.

“I just gave him a couple of tips. He’s the idiot that went overboard.”

“It’s not overboard if your fiancé likes it, asshole,” Reiner said. Then he clapped Levi on the back. “You sure you okay with all this touching? I can’t believe how much you’re letting us fondle you.”

“Did you really have to use the word fondle?” Bertholdt asked.

“It was of utmost importance.”

Bertholdt rolled his eyes.

Before them, Petra, who was standing by the door, raised her hand and called out. “Guys! They’re coming. Just got Zoe’s text. Everyone in position!”

Around Levi, people scrambled to frame the room in a semicircle, and Levi found himself the sole douche in the center of the room.

“Wait! What the fuck is this setup?” he called out.

Someone snickered, and he was willing to bet 100 bucks that it was Ymir.

“You’re his present, asshat, so you get to be in the middle.”

Damn it! It _was_ Ymir. He was going to hog Christa’s attention later just for that comment.

“Yeah, shut up and be a good present.”

Levi sent his best glare at Erd, who was looking innocently at the celling pretending he hadn’t said anything. Levi clenched his teeth and balled his hands into fists. Well, at least he didn’t have to be a cheerful present.

Levi’s eyes glanced at the stairway where last minute people were still trickling in and completing the circle, and then they flicked to the front where he could, if he stood on his tiptoes, see the front entrance over the people milling around. His heart was thudding.

_Will he be happy to see me? Does he resent me for making him come on his birthday?_

No, he reasoned, that was stupid. Erwin had sounded genuinely excited over the phone.

_You have to stop thinking that it’s impossible to be liked. Nobody appreciates it, least of all you._

He took a deep breath.

_He likes you. He does. So calm down and let this be about him now._

He felt like the air was crackling around him with the strength of his anticipation. The door pushed open. He heard a laugh, Hanji’s laugh, and then her familiar brown ponytail. And then, right behind her, pulling on that ponytail playfully, was a man. A tall, blonde, and horrendously handsome man. Levi expected his heart to go into overdrive. But it didn’t. Not yet, anyway. Because that first second his eyes met with Erwin’s everything went calm. It was like he’d been wrapped loosely in a soft cotton blanket. His breath eased out of him, just barely and gently pulled toward Erwin. And his face relaxed, and then his shoulders relaxed, and every bit of his body followed until he was just together enough to keep standing. His smile grew so slowly that the progression wouldn’t have been noticed by anyone without the sharpest eyes. And there was peace in him. The germs were quiet and all the sound around him was muffled by the same blanket that wrapped him.

Levi let himself be pulled into those dancing blue eyes, and a thought struck him.

_I’m home_.

Maybe it was a silly thought. He was still in exactly the same spot, after all. And nobody could really live in a pair of eyes, no matter how beautiful and calming they were, but at that moment he didn’t care. The feeling was real and he just wanted to let himself be in that moment to be surrounded by it fully.

_I love you_.

His lips moved in the shape of the words. It was probably too far to see, almost definitely, but Levi let himself believe that Erwin did see, and that the brightness in his face was a result of the words.

Levi’s feet began to carry him forward as he took a step and then another one. Erwin had already outpaced Hanji, and every feature of his was becoming clearer the closer he came. He was wearing a baby blue sweater that looked as soft as the expression on his face, and Levi just wanted to bury his face and hands in it, and he would, as soon as he got there, which, he was starting to realize, was taking too long to happen. The calm was evaporating as the excitement returned. And then came the pounding heart. But there was no fear or anxiety. Just happiness and excitement in a pure form. His pace picked up, as did Erwin’s. Levi knew he was smiling because of the way his cheeks were already aching.

_Thank you_. Levi didn’t know who he was thanking, but he couldn’t help doing it anyway. _For this moment. Thank you for allowing me to feel this._ Maybe he was talking to Erwin. _Thank you for letting me know that this was even possible for me._ Definitely talking to Erwin. _Thank you for helping me feel alive again._

There was noise around him, and it sounded different now, but it was unimportant. So were the movements around him. None of it mattered. He just had to get to Erwin. That would be perfect. It would be his favorite thing to happen right now, and he knew it was reflected on his face. But no. Look. It didn’t seem that Erwin felt the same way. His face was twisting, his smile tearing as his lips dragged open and fear blossomed behind them.

_What the…?_

Gone was the calm in Erwin’s eyes. They were blown wide with an expression Levi was long familiar with but had rarely seen on Erwin’s face. Full scale panic. Levi stopped moving, unsure of what he was seeing. It made no sense. They hadn’t seen each other for 5 weeks. Why was Erwin doing this now? Why was he looking like he’d just spotted a monster?

_Am I the monster?_

Levi’s hands fell open by his sides as he stood there, off balance, his mind reeling. His surroundings had exploded into sound. Screams. Panic. The same panic Erwin was wearing like a mask. Well, Levi _wanted_ it to be a mask, but it wasn’t. It was real. A fleck of spit flew from Erwin’s mouth. That meant he was shouting. He had broken out into a run, and as Levi watched, Erwin shoved someone aside, a staff member. But...Erwin wasn’t violent. Levi had never seen him touch anyone like that before... But that was unimportant right now. He was busy trying to read the words on Erwin’s lips. The Blonde threw his arm out, his eyes locked on Levi’s in a desperate plea.

Watch out!

Levi’s eyebrows knitted together in that final second.

_Watch out…? For what?_

One last word. One final word on Erwin’s lips.

Levi!

Warmth. It was the last thing Levi felt. And the love in it. Because despite the panic and frenzy that had, in one second, seized hold of the room in a roar, Levi felt that warmth, and held onto it, because it was such a beautiful thing, he knew, to be called by the person you loved.

And then he was hit.

A fist. In his face. Sharp with knives that were nails, tore the skin from his muscle. Sharp ditches opened and spilled blood. Levi felt the pain, quick, so fast. His hand came up to block. But the motion froze. Because the fist that hit him hadn’t been empty. It was full; so full. And it smeared its contents all over Levi’s face and into the wounds that had just been ripped open.

When Levi’s brain realized what it was. A smell like iron chains, smacked into him and went straight in and clung. Rotting, fetid. Unmistakable for anything else. It curled and spat into him, ripping everywhere. A smell, the strongest smell in his memory. The one that had ruined him.

But it wasn’t just a smell. Of course not. It never came with just a smell. It was on him, smeared paste, in his blood in his lungs, everywhere. Creamy with chunks of curdling--

Levi screamed. His mouth opened without his permission. Without his knowledge. He never would have done it if he’d had any choice in the matter. And as he screamed, he sucked it into his lungs. It was shoved into his mouth by the furious fist that didn’t care where it landed so long as it was ripping, destroying, poisoning. Coating his mouth, his tongue his throat, his teeth were buried in it. The taste. _The taste_. He wanted every one of his nerves ripped out so he wouldn’t have to taste or smell or feel.

It was in his eyes too, he couldn’t see, blinded. Why? How? The thing the fist belonged to. The smiling titan. It had to be. It didn’t smell human. It smelled like fear and chaos and evil. But Levi couldn’t concentrate on that smell. He didn’t have to be able to see, to open his eyes to know what was smeared all over and in him. Shit. Human feces. Excrement, waste, everything that was foul in the world.  So much more than brown paste, it was the epitome of bacteria infestation and the one thing Levi had been absolutely certain he’d never let touch his face again.

Only in his worst nightmares, the ones where he woke screaming and bathed in sweat, did he feel what he felt now. The taste and texture. Just as strong as he remembered. Just as poisonous. He was going to die, but it wasn’t going to come fast enough.

If only he would stop screaming. If his lungs would stop working he could stop sucking the stuff in. But that was impossible. His body was set on killing him. His insides were on fire. He was choking on the stuff, like putrid tar, cutting off anything life giving.

_Make it stop._

His hands lashed out and met flesh. He only felt the first hit, though. That was all his brain could acknowledge. Then it shut down. It had to. To save itself. But being plunged into his own brain wasn’t any better. His brain had always been where the nightmares had reigned supreme.

_The walls. I can’t climb the dumpster walls._

His hands found them, the filth coated and rusting iron walls in the dumpster. Trapped. Always he was trapped in the same one. The longer he struggled the higher the walls leapt. Impossibly high, and always he shrank, sinking deeper and deeper into the rotting. Always. The smell was like a rope around his throat. Nothing was stronger.

_Get it off. Get it off. Before you die. Get it off!_

But it never came off. In his mind, in the nightmare it never _ever_ came off. It would spread and smear and the shit would become him, engulf him, until finally he would scream himself awake. The image would stay there though and it would take a long time before he’d be able to blink it back away from the projection of his eyelids. But this time there was no screaming himself awake, because this was reality. Again. It was happening again.

_Help me._

The dumpster walls were curving up and twisting, the ends curving into sharp knives covered in shit. They would come down and impale him, but he wouldn’t die.

_Please!_

Needles of shit. They’d weed through him; the germs. They’d rip into everything. Nothing would be passed over. Everything would be shit. He would be shit. He’d always known it.

_I’ll be good, dad. I swear. I’ll stop it. I’ll stop liking boys. I’ll never look at one again. I won’t shame you. I’ll be good. I’ll be straight. Just let me out. LET ME OUT! Daddy please. PLEASE._

Too late. He always promised too late. The shit formed itself into a hand, impossibly large, and wrenched his mouth open. It was always so much stronger than he was. He tried to clamp his lips together and smashed his lips into a tight line, but it would never help. The shit could get into any crevice no matter how small. It forced itself between his lips and oozed through his teeth. More and more. It never ended. Even when it filled him completely and began to spill out through his mouth again. He would swell with it, his sides ripping with the pain, but it would keep pushing in. Relentless. But it didn’t need to. The whole process was unnecessary. Because the shit was already in him. It had been since that day. So many years ago. But no matter how many years it had been the memory never eroded. Not even a hint of tarnish affected it. It was always as strong, and right now it was even stronger. Worse than the first time. It shouldn’t have been possible, but it was.

_How long this time?_

If it was as long as the first...he’d never make it. His heart would shut down before that point.

_Good. Shut down. Shut down everything. Let me stop. Let everything stop working. Can’t live with it anymore._

Pressure on his body. His mind was throwing him back out. Back into the world where the shit was pushing in. It wasn’t letting him hide.

_I’ll never get rid of it. Can’t do it by myself. Can’t use anything, any substance, to weaken it. I lost. A long time ago. It’s over. The battle’s over._

Levi’s body went limp as something was dragged off of him. And then voices. Somehow sound returned.

“In my pocket! The tranquilizer! Hit this piece of hell with the tranquilizer. Strong enough to knock out a horse, they said. Hurry the fuck up!”

The voice was familiar. A very old and dear voice. But his brain refused to provide a name. A dear friend. His best friend. Why didn’t she have a name?

“Fuck! He bit me. Shit! Levi! Levi I’m here to help. Let me--”

“GET AWAY FROM HIM!”

The third voice was a roar. Levi wasn’t recognizing anything anymore. That was because his body had awoken with a vengeance. Every part of him, hands, legs, mouth, teeth, everything was jolted with a surge of adrenaline. The need to kill, to exterminate flooded him. The shock of purpose. It was keeping him alive. He wanted to give up, or he’d thought he did. But he’d been fighting the battle against the germs for so long. He couldn’t let it end like this. Even if it was useless, even if it killed him, he couldn’t let it end like this. He couldn’t.

And then he vomited.

It was violent. Every muscle inside himself participated. Angry wrenching spasms. The last time he’d eaten had been four and a half hours ago. All that was left of it was acidic mush, and not that much of it. There was no need for that violent an expulsion, but his body wasn’t going to be reasonable. It hurt. But that wasn’t a surprise. Everything hurt. He was just glad that he couldn’t feel the vomit wash down his front in a tsunami of filth. But then he vomited again, and then again. There was nothing left inside of him. But that didn’t matter either. His body would keep retching until it felt it had expelled the shit. And that would never happen. It would cling to him forever. It had for twenty years. What would change that now?

Blood mixed with the vomit and shit. He’d torn his own throat open with both the violent muscle spasms, as well as his own shit encrusted fingernails as he clawed inside his throat trying to pull out what he’d inhaled. But he couldn’t reach his lungs, his fingers weren’t long enough. Neither were they dexterous, as his panic as well as the vomit, shit and blood coating them, was making delicate maneuvering impossible. But then his fingers were wrenched free and slammed behind his back. He screamed louder, a furious sound this time. Another enemy. It had come to help the shit, to put a stop to any and all movement. And it was strong. He was slammed into the floor.

“Let me help, Erwin. Shit. Look what he did to your--”

“I’ve got him! Now get that insane fucker away from Levi NOW.”

“If I grab his feet than you can--”

“NOW.”

Levi snapped his head back with all his strength, but the hands didn’t release him. And then even his head was immobilized. Hard muscled flesh was knotted together with his own, locked down against him. He was trapped.

So he screamed. He roared. With the sounds came more filth and blood. It was everywhere, in every crevice.

“Where the _fuck_ is that sedative?”

Pounding, screaming. An alarm had been pulled and it blared so loudly that all voices had to double in volume just to be heard.

Something was jabbed into Levi’s skin, and then shoved in, hard. He tried to make words. To scream curses and threaten violence, but all that came out was more animal howling.

“Levi. Levi _listen_ to me. I’m going to clean you. I’m going to get it _all_ off. I swear on my fucking life and the lives of everyone I care about. I WILL get you clean. But I need you to help me. You can scream as much as you want. Bite and scratch, anything that helps you deal with it. But I’m going to need you to stop thrashing. You’re stronger than me. I won’t be able to hold you for long. So you’re going to have to contain it so that I can help.”

Words were directed at him. He knew that because he could hear his name, but nothing else was getting through. The tone though. Commanding yet urging. Someone _wanted_ something from him. But that made no sense. Who would dare ask anything of him now? Couldn’t they see that it was over? That it was all or nothing? He didn’t have anything to give. He was just the bleed leaking out and the filth coming in. Everything was worthless. His body had been infected for too long now. How could they ask?

“Levi. _Levi_. Can you hear me? Nod your head if you can hear me.”

The voice was familiar. Not old, but familiar. He knew that voice was important, but it was too hard to remember why right now.

“The sedatives not going to work. There’s too much adrenaline--”

“Shut the _fuck_ up, Nile.”

“Give him that tranquilizer.”

“The dose is too strong. It’ll damage his kidneys.”

“Shut up, both of you! I need to concentrate. LEVI. Levi, your head. Jerk your head if you can hear me.”

The shouting was too much. It was splitting his head. As if he needed any more wounds for the germs to enter from. He jerked his head. If was only after he’d done so that he realized that was the first message he’d understood.

Something sagged against him. The body holding him.

“Thank god…” The voice was broken. “Thank...Levi. Levi. I’m going to help. I’m going to pick you up now. Will you let me?”

Yes. He knew the voice now. He’d missed it so much. Hadn’t had enough of it for a long time. But he still couldn’t name anything. Not when the paste in his mouth was gluing his mouth shut.

_Please_ , he begged the voice holding him. _Help me. Protect me._

He curled into the body. Male. Definitely male. _Don’t let dad see. He’ll know anyway, but don’t let him see._

His nails dug into skin. More blood, not his own. Warm, thin. It ran down his fingers. He dug in harder.

“That’s right, Levi. Hold on.”

He was wrenched up and clenched tightly against a wall of breathing muscle. The smell was so overpowering. Levi wished it could be sucked away. Without the smell the taste wouldn’t be as bad.

Levi realized he was having thoughts connected to reality and he thought it was possible because of whatever vague haze had entered his brain. He welcomed the haze. It made everything not be as present. A little distance was put between him and the shit. Even though it was on him, in him, it was maybe on someone else instead. He hoped so. He needed it to be so. He couldn’t’ handle it if it was really on himself, even if he was pressed against the warm voice.

“Get me everything. EVERY FUCKING THING.”

It was weird, the voice would shout, but then it would always turn back to him.

“Levi I’m almost at the shower. Almost, I swear.”

He felt his head bobbing and smacking more muscle. A shoulder? He was moving fast. It felt like he was on a horse. He’d never been on a horse. He knew he hadn’t, but the idea seemed so familiar, as if he’d been regularly riding one for years.

Doors. Kicked open. Slams. Crashes, bangs, as things fell to the floor. Other bodies were there beside him and the voice. They were flurries of activity. Levi threw up again.

“That’s all right, Levi. Get it out. Let it all out.”

He was being dropped, no, placed. The surface was hard, but also rustled. Paper, on a floor. Layers and layers of paper.

“Scissors! Where are the fucking--thank you. Bless you. Now get out of my fucking way.”

Cold metal against his leg.

“I’m cutting you out of these, Levi.”

The metal moved, slicing up. A strange wrenching sound.

Something else moved to touch him. Something alive, and not the voice. Unfamiliar. Levi’s leg shot up and cracked into something with a sickening crunch. A hiss of pain.

“Fucking--”

“Stay the FUCK away from him. Jesus you fucking stupid--get out. OUT. I almost sliced him with this fucking pair of--I’ll skin you later. Just get out. Get the fuck--”

Something was thrown. The warm hand found his face, and just like that, he remembered a name.

Levi made a sound. A croaking whimper.

“I’m here. I’m here, Levi. I’ll fix it. I swear.”

The cold metal was abandoned and instead were the two warm hands. They tore the rest of the cloth from his body. Wet plops as they were thrown.

Levi was still blind. Of course he was. Maybe he would be forever. But that wouldn’t be a bad trade--he’d give his eyes if only the smell would go away.

A rushing sound. He only realized what it was when the water hit his body. Hot, almost scalding. He wished it was hotter. He made another sound.

“I know. It’s so awful. What you’re feeling--I--you must be in so much... I’ll kill those fuckers. The ones who let this happen. Whoever was supposed to be watching that patient. I will, Levi. But first I’m going to get you clean. I can do it. You know I can. I can kill the germs. I will _always_ kill them for you. I won’t let them hurt you. Never. You believe me, right, Levi? It’s okay if you don’t. I’ll still do it. I just hate to see this. So afraid. You’re--I’m so _so_ sorry. I--It’s--I will _never_ forgive--I just…”

The warm voice broke. Erwin’s voice. They were one and the same. He wished that could calm him. He knew that normally it would. But now the germs were stronger than anything--more than love or reason. This was survival. And Erwin understood that. Of course he did. That’s why his hands never stopped moving. Strong and sure movements, scrubbing at his skin, his hair. But when they tried to open his mouth, Levi snapped his teeth closed. He couldn’t afford to swallow anymore. Even with the haziness he was teetering over the edge. Any second he could be plunged back into his mind.

His teeth caught on skin. A finger. But the finger didn’t flinch. Fingers were still gentle on the side of his face.

“I’m just going to clean it, Levi. Get that nasty stuff out. Okay? Let me do it. There’s no reason for you to suffer with it.”

Levi jerked his head “no.” Fear pounded through the haziness, making everything clearer. He was feeling more again. The texture. His mouth had already gone dead with the taste.

“Shh it’s all right. Levi. My Levi. I won’t let you swallow anything. I’ll be so careful. You know I will be.”

Levi clamped his teeth tighter, but the finger was still there. Blood began to fill his mouth. Didn’t the man understand? It was no use. There was no cleaning it off. The shit would never come off. But if he kept touching and moving worse things would happen. The shit would multiply and even more would get in.

“Levi. Listen. _Listen_. I’m _here_. I’m not going _anywhere._ And we have to get you clean. We have to. Don’t you want to be clean? I swear I’m not going anywhere until I finish, so let’s try to get it over with, okay? Let’s do this. Come, Levi. Help me. Levi--oh... Don’t cry, my Levi. I swear I’ll get it better. I never make promises I don’t keep. Shhh. Levi...I know. I know. Just let me...fuck.”

Levi had begun to cry because his brain made the connection between who’s finger he was biting. He was hurting Erwin, but he couldn’t get himself to let go.

_I always knew I’d hurt him._

And now Erwin was crying too. No one sounded that way, their voice stretched out and crackly, unless they were crying.

“I thought leaving would mean you were safe. I thought I was the only source of your problems. I’m such an idiot. I should have been more involved. Even if not with you, with the center. If I’d known about that crazy patient--I would have volunteered to come watch him myself. I would have protected you. I should have protected you. What fucking good am I if I can’t even help one precious person?”

Levi’s head was pulled up and then his skin was pressed against Erwin’s heaving chest. It was hot and bare and Levi cried because his shit was getting everywhere and he hadn’t wanted to dirty Erwin with it. The blonde’s finger was still trapped between his teeth. His heart pounded with fear, but he knew what he had to do. His hands were useless, but he forced one to work, and wrenched the finger from his mouth. His worst fear was confirmed. Shit shifted in his mouth. The movement of it. That was the worst. Crawling creeping even worse than the smell was the movement. Levi retched. There was nothing to empty out but still he retched, hacking spitting. Why was his body trying to get rid of the shit when it would never leave? Why was it still trying after so many years?

Erwin had tilted Levi’s head to the side and was massaging his back and keeping Levi’s hair back with warm fingers.

“So brave...my brave Levi.”

And then he was being sat up again and Erwin’s fingers were bracing his chin.

“But you don’t have to do this alone. Let me, Levi...Let me be a help too.”

Levi’s fingers. He knew he shouldn’t touch, that the nausea would wrench through him again if he touched. But he had to. Erwin was crying and his heart--it sounded like Erwin’s heart was bleeding in his mouth. He had to touch because his words wouldn’t work. His fingers found Erwin’s chest. The man sucked in a breath.

“Is that a yes?”

Of course it was. It had to be. Even though Levi knew the man would hurt him, would probably make everything worse because that was the only fate available to him...How could he deny Erwin? How could he when he could feel the man’s burning tears on his face? Even if he himself could not be healed, maybe Erwin would be if Levi allowed him to do this.

Levi made a sound. It was a sacrifice, that sound. Anything that made his throat muscles move was. But he did it. Erwin sobbed again, harder. But this time Levi stilled his panic because he knew, even in this state, that it was a relieved sound.

The blonde’s motions were immediate. The water came back as did Erwin’s hands. When the fingers returned to his mouth Levi forced his mouth open. The fingers gagged. Levi forced himself not to gag, but it was so difficult. His whole body was shaking so hard it looked like a seizure. He tasted something acrid, soup. And something was scrubbing. A toothbrush.

“Spit, Levi,” Erwin directed. “Anywhere. It doesn’t matter.”

Levi spat. A second later the toothbrush returned. This was repeated many times. Levi didn’t know if it did anything. He could still feel the shit in his mouth, but he couldn’t feel its weight. It was the ghost of the shit. And Levi knew no amount of soap would clean that away.

“It’s gone, Levi. There’s nothing for you to swallow. So I’m going to have you gargle this. Can you do that for me? Try not to swallow it.”

Did the man even here his contradictions? Levi doubted it. He was surprised at how much of Erwin’s speech he could understand. He knew he would pay for that understanding. More of his mind returning was not a good thing. The shit. He could feel it killing him, burning his cells.

Erwin pushed a cup to his mouth and fluid filled his mouth. Levi began to cough and the cup disappeared.

“Levi. Levi don’t breathe it in. IT’s antiseptic. You love this stuff, right? It’ll help. Let it help.”

Soothing hands on his back and shoulders. They would have felt so much better if they weren’t smearing shit everywhere.

“Are you ready to try again?”

Levi wasn’t ready, but he jerked his head “yes” anyway.

The fluid came back, and he could feel the sharp burn of antiseptic now in all the open wounds of his mouth. He welcomed the burn. It felt effective, even if it wasn’t.

Levi forced himself to swish it around for almost a minute before spitting. Erwin was so proud of him. He knew this because the man kept repeating “I am so fucking proud of you.” Over and over like a healing mantra.

And then he was being lifted and set down again. Levi recognized the familiar feeling of porcelain against his skin. In the bathtub. He could feel the walls of it and it made him panic.

Erwin’s hands were there. “What? What is it? The tub is clean, I swear.”

Levi’s hands smacked against the walls. Trapped. It would become the dumpster. Levi knew it would. He couldn’t go to the dumpster again. He wouldn’t make it. Not again. He smacked the walls, harder. Erwin caught his hands. “It’s okay. Really, Levi. I’ve got you. I’m holding you. Nothing can happen while I’m holding you and I’m alive. They’d have to crawl over my cold and fucking stubborn ass corpse in order to get to you. And even then I’d probably find a way to stop them.”

The words were lies, but they were beautiful lies. And a twinge of love was able to find itself there, a spark, in the mix of horror. It would probably rot soon, like everything did, but for now it was there.

The door banged open.

“My life--where is he?”

Hanji. Her steps were panic as she raced to his side. She touched him, but not on his face. She knew that he wouldn’t handle that. Her fingers found his shoulder for just a second.

“You’ve gotten it all off?”

“Yeah. I’m just going to do another scrub down to be thorough, but it looks like he’s clean.”

_I’m not._

It didn’t matter what they said. Levi knew he was still covered with shit. A little water and soap wouldn’t change that.

“That was fast.”

“By now I have a pretty efficient method.”

“God bless you, Erwin.”

“Shit, if you’re bringing god into things you’ve got to be pretty fucked up.”

Hanji didn’t even bother with a fake laugh. She touched Levi’s hand.

“He was doing so well. You didn’t see him. He was...just so fucking beautiful. I haven’t seen him look like that in so many years. He was alive. He was trying so hard and he was getting places with it, and that’s the first time he’s really tried and…”

Hanji blew out the breath from her lungs. “And now I’m more than ninety percent certain he’ll regress back to stage one.”

Levi felt a sorrow blossom in his heart that came from Hanji’s tone. She sounded empty. He couldn’t open his eyes with the shit in them, but he could imagine what she looked like. Tired. The only time he ever saw her without energy was when she was sad.

“Wait a second,” Erwin said. He let the water stream onto Levi’s body but turned to face his friend. “Sure, he’ll take some steps backward for a few days. But he’ll get over this. All the other panic attacks he got over. Sure, this one seems worse but--”

“No. You’re wrong.”

“Explain.”

“This time it’s shit.”

“I know. It’s fucking disgusting. For someone as clean conscience as him that’s got to be traumatizing.”

“No. You don’t understand. IT’s shit. His original trauma, the thing that caused all of this was shit. It all started with shit. And now he’s covered in shit.”

More fingers touched him. His hair this time. There was only one person whose fingers felt like that in his hair. Erwin.

“He mentioned...right at the beginning, the first day I met him, he was talking about shit. I thought it was because he had to take a shit, but now I realize...he was talking about that, the trauma, right?”

_Fuck. Don’t do this. Don’t tell him. I don’t want to think about it. I’m already thinking about it. Don’t put it into words.”_

Erwin’s fingers tightened in his hair, steadying him.

“Please tell me.”

Hanji stood up. Levi could tell because here voice, when it came, was further away.

“He might not like my telling you, but I guess you have to know if you’re going to plan how to go forward from here.”

She blew out more air. And then she began to walk around. Cleaning. She always liked to be moving, especially when she was troubled.

“It happened when he was ten. His father, Kenny, found him with a magazine. Nothing too raunchy. Just some scantily dressed men. Playgirl I think it was. He jacked it from a newsstand or something. He was curious, and he was just ten fucking years old, for Christ’s sake.”

“What did he do?”

“You don’t want to know, but I’m going to fucking tell you anyway because that son of a bitch needs to be locked up and kept away from any human contact because he’s a piece of scum shit who doesn’t deserve to--”

“What did he do, Zoe?”

Hanji threw something at the floor that hit with a wet splat.

“He took care of that problem the way he always took care of his problems, by yelling at it and then getting rid of it. First he beat the fuck out of Levi. That man never even cared if the bruises were visible. Nobody messed with him. And while he beat him he let him know clearly and unmistakably that he was no son of his and that he was going to kill his faggot ass and wished he’d never been born in the first place. And then he dragged Levi, who was probably barely conscious at the time, all the way down to the apartment’s dumpster.”

Hanji stopped. Erwin’s hand tightened in Levi’s hair.

“What did that fucker do, Hanji? _What did he do_?”

“He threw Levi inside. A communal dumpster, Erwin. Those things never get fucking cleaned. You can imagine the kind of rotted fetid slop in there. And he threw him in. He threw his only son into the trash. And then--and then he fucking put cinderblocks on top so that Levi couldn’t escape. He trapped his son, his tiny beaten son, in a dumpster. A fucking dumpster. He…”

_If she cries too...we can’t all cry in one day._

She came back. Her steps got closer, and then Erwin’s arm was jolted and she slumped herself against him.

“He was always kind of a clean freak he told me. He’d been born with it. But the germ phobia--that all started that day. In the dumpster. He said it was the smell that killed him. So thick that he could taste it. It was heavier than anything and weighed him down from the inside and made his body useless. He said each breath was so hard to take and so awful that each time he breathed in he wished he hadn’t. And Erwin--Erwin he, he stayed in there for thirty six hours. Apparently the super came to take the trash out to the curb and had wondered why so many garbage bags were littered around the dumpster instead of inside it. He stayed in that dumpster, breathing in that rotting crap for a day and a half. No food or water and bleeding and bruised.”

Erwin’s fingers let go of Levi’s hair. They slid down and cradled Levi’s face.

“ ...How? How could something like…”

“It’s worse. Of course it’s worse. Nothing is ever half assed with Levi. All his traumas are brutal fucking traumas.”

“That story already fits the category of brutal fucking--”

“The shit, Erwin. I didn’t get to the shit part. The reason why today is going to scar the fuck out of him for life, probably. The shit.”

“No...Don’t tell me--”

“When Kenny threw him down, there were already a good number of bags in the dumpster, and the force of the drop made him sink all the way to the bottom. Suffocating, he tried to claw his way to the top, only when he tried…”

She stopped.

“Hanji?” Erwin asked. One of the hands left Levi’s face.

Levi felt a dose of relief. The less stuff touching his shit skin the better.

“Hanji, are you--”

“One of the bags split, and in it was a diaper. Still open, still foul probably fouler than it had been since it had been dumped. It landed on Levi’s face. His mouth and eyes were opened when it happened. Shit everywhere. He couldn’t see or breathe and he was choking on shit. His whole world became that shit. He vomited and clawed at his face, but of course it stayed. He swallowed some in his screaming and he said that as the hours trolled on with no relief he began to feel that shit burrowing inside of him, the germs burning all the cells in their path, killing him. He stayed with that shit on him for more than 36 hours. By the time the super lifted on the concrete blocks he’d suffered a psychological breakdown. Fevered and hallucinating he attacked the man screaming about germs. Then he kicked himself free and raced back to his apartment. His body probably carried him there. He says he can’t remember getting back, just running and then finding water to clean himself with. He says he didn’t realize he was back in the apartment until two days after he escaped. That’s when his hold on reality started to come back. He said when he woke up he realized he’d rubbed every inch of his body raw. The skin was cracked and bleeding everywhere and that he smelled like straight bleach. His gums were bleeding as were his eyelids and he’d shaved his hair off. All of it. Every inch including his eyebrows and eyelashes. He said he looked in the mirror and hated the creature that stared back. He didn’t know who it was and he didn’t want to know, but he had a feeling he’d be stuck with that person for the rest of his life.”

Hanji stopped again, and this time Erwin didn’t prompt her to continue.

_Do you hate me now, Erwin?_

He willed the hand on his face to stay now even though it felt disgusting.

_Do you wish you’d never met me? Do you resent all the trouble I’ve caused you? Do you want to walk away?_

The hand tightened.

“He...How was he still able to smile after all that?”

Erwin’s hand was back in his shit covered hair where it belonged.

“He didn’t smile for a very long time. There was no reason to. I remember Isabel told me it took her almost half a year after meeting him to get him to smile. But you know what? It got a lot easier for him as time went on. I give that accomplishment to all three of them--Isabel, Farlan, and Levi. Mostly Levi. Because even if he sounds stubborn or angry there is no one out there who wants him to get better as much as he himself does. No one. At first it was because of how much he hated the new him, but I think that now, since he’s come to this center and met you, and felt alive again, he wants to get better because he’s starting to realize he loves himself, and feels deep sympathy for the small broken boy that’s still housed somewhere inside.”

_You always did know too much about me, Zoe. It isn’t fair._

Hanji leaned forward.

“I’ll go prepare his bedroom. Don’t worry. I know how to clean it right. But first…”

Another touch, on his chest this time, fleeting and tender, from the hand he’d known and cherished the longest.

“Levi? Would you like another sedative? Sleeping will probably be easier with it. Your mind needs some decent rest after all this. One sound for yes, two for no.”

Levi made a single sound. What else could he do? He wanted out of this, even if it all had to come back again, even for just a little while, he wanted out. He just hoped his mind would be kind to him if he slept.

Hanji also made a sound. It made Levi question his choice. She sounded so broken. Was it his responsibility to stay up for her? But then there was a needle in his skin and soon after a fuzzy wave blurred the edges of his mind. It felt like the hands on his skin were multiplying

“How does that feel, Levi?” Hanji asked.

Levi couldn’t’ find the energy for any type of answer. He curled into a warm body. He just wanted everything to stop being so filthy.

And then he was rising. The cold of porcelain left his skin and then it was only warm body surrounding him.

“I’ll swab him down with alcohol while you prep the room.”

Erwin’s voice was all wrong. Levi felt another body press up against him. He was now sandwiched between two people he loved. It should have felt more comforting. Hanji’s lips brushed the crown of his head.

“Don’t cry, Erwin. Even if we have to start from the beginning, he’ll come back. He promised me.”

“When was that?”

“After you left. He said he was going to surprise us all.”

“I just want his pain to stop. Why does he always have to feel all this pain?”

“IT’s not all pain. Remember that. The past few months have been some of the happiest I’ve ever seen him, and he was radiant this morning. He’d go through it all again just to meet the people he has in his life. He told me that too. When he was apologizing to me about all the worry he’d caused me he said, ‘I’d do it all again, all of it, just to meet you.’”

A pause.

“Fuck. Now _I’m_ crying,” she said. “Little asshole. He’s really good at getting me like this.”

Guilt smothered him on top of the hazy blanket. The second body disappeared. “You’re holding my heart in your arms, Erwin. Make sure you treat it at least ten times better than you would treat me.”

Her footsteps faded until they were out of the room. And even though her touch had made his panic rise he would never deny the loss he felt with her new absence. Levi let out a small anguished sound.

“shhh….I know. I’ll bring you back to her soon. Let’s finish cleaning you first, okay?”

The blanket on his mind was getting heavier. But he wanted to say it first. He had to find a way.

He could feel the shit become unglued in his throat as he forced the muscles to move.

“Never gonna….be clean again.”

Erwin sucked some air into his lungs, but when he spoke he sounded steady. He didn’t fool Levi one bit.

“Well I’ll just have to prove you wrong, won’t I?”

Levi didn’t blame him for the words. Even if it was a lie it was a nice lie. Just because some promises were born broken didn’t mean they shouldn’t be made.

Erwin began to move then and Levi felt each shift in the man’s muscles as he did so. There were towels and different rooms, and all sorts of things, but Levi wasn’t there for a lot of it. His body relaxed and his mind slid out and he was still in Erwin’s arms as he fell asleep.

\--

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know what I realized when I started writing this? That it's chapter 13. I'm not superstitious, but I found that oddly appropriate considering this is probably the worst chapter for Levi in this fic.   
> I have many apologies to make. First is to Levi. I should NOT be celebrating his birthday with this horror of a chapter. I'm sorry. Thankfully there are lots of writers and artists out there who made some very nice and fluffy pieces for hiim. And two is to you guys. I really hope this doesn't put a damper on anyone's Christmas.  
> So now you know the reason for Levi's germ phobia. The poor little guy hasn't gotten a break since day one. This chapter was hard to write for me. I struggled with how to express things many times throughout, and just hope I managed to somewhat convey the sentiments I was going for.  
>  I probably shouldn't be saying this after posting this fiasco, but happy holidays everyone. I hope everyone can spend the time feeling loved by family and friends. I love you all, and I hope to post a somewhat better chapter soon.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is dedicated to Dina who distracted me all throughout the writing process with her weird stories and cute selfies. If you have issues with the chapter, blame her. she thoroughly deserves it.

Chapter 14:

It was the quiet that woke him. Levi didn’t know it, but the first few hours he’d been unconscious had been full of bustling activity. Though steadily the noise had trickled down until there had only been small rustling sounds here and there. But now even those were gone and so it was as the room fell into silence that Levi’s eyes flickered open.

White. A hell of a lot of it. Every surface in the room was covered in sterile paper. It was almost like having the room presented to him like a present. An immaculately clean present. Things covered the paper too. A tub of bleach, purell containers, sterile instruments, and more rolls of sterile paper. But Levi knew things weren’t as clean as they appeared. Over everything in a thin noxious layer was an invisible covering of shit. It affected everything, the paper, the instruments, Levi himself, as well as the precious blonde dozing in the chair beside his bed.

Levi’s throat was burning. He could taste blood. But he didn’t dare try and swallow no matter how dry or painful it was or the invisible shit would slide down into him.

Everything hurt. That didn’t surprise him, but just expecting pain wasn’t enough to actually help it. But there was Erwin and he was beautiful and that helped. The problem was that Erwin also looked exhausted. He didn’t have the dark circles under his eyes though, and that meant that Levi’s chest wasn’t as tight as it could have been. Levi sat up. He felt the shit slip and slide along his legs and paper sheets he was laying on.

_Don’t panic. You’ve panicked enough. Be strong and give Erwin a fucking break already._

Levi forced himself to take deep breaths. He must have made a bit too much noise doing so because Erwin stirred, let out a soft groan and slowly blinked his eyes open.

Levi jumped, guilty, but Erwin, when he locked eyes with Levi, made no signs of anger. Instead he jumped up.

“Levi! You’re awake. How are you, I mean, tell me what I can do for you right now. I want--”

“Erwin.”

Erwin stopped talking and took in a breath. “Yes, Levi?”

Levi held out his hand. Erwin blinked, surprised. Levi tried to keep the panic off his face.

_Don’t let your hand shake._

But it was hard, because Levi was terrified. Because Erwin was covered in the same invisible shit and the idea of touching was making bile rise to the back of his throat. But no.

_I can do this. I can. I’ve done it before._

Erwin reached out his hand and slowly curled his fingers around Levi’s. Levi felt the squelch of shit touching shit. He fought the urge to retch.

“Levi--is this too much?”

Levi realized his eyes were squeezed tightly shut and he was breathing heavily.

“No! I can…”

“You don’t have to push yourself, Levi. I’m not disappointed in you. We can take things as slow as you--”

“No! I can do this. I’m an _adult_. I’m...I’m _tired_ of doing this all the damn time.”

Levi wanted to concentrate but all he could think about was how much he wanted to let go and then wash his hands.

_I’m not letting go. I’m going to do this one simple thing._

Erwin pulled his hand free. Levi growled and reached to snatch it back, but Erwin sat back down in his chair. He looked at Levi with the kind of openness that made his exhaustion irrelevant.

“I know you’re frustrated.”

“You have no idea how I fucking feel.”

“Are you angry at me, Levi?”

“What? No. Of course not.”

“Then stop growling at me. I’m on your side. Always will be.”

Levi didn’t have anything to say to that. It was the truth after all. He tried for a recalcitrant expression. Erwin leaned forward on his elbows, his expression warm and worried.

“I really shouldn’t be one to talk after the way I verbally abused the staff here while I was panicking. I mean, I went and apologized afterward but that didn’t change the fact that I was a dickwad. But never mind my guilt. Tell me how you’re holding. Where are your limits now? How close can I comfortably come?”

Though this situation was different (he and Erwin weren’t strangers this time, after all) Levi couldn’t help but be reminded of the very first time they’d meant. Erwin’s first words to him had been basically the same question that had just left the man’s mouth.

Levi smiled. It was brighter than he thought he’d be able to manage. “Can I tell you something else first?”

“Of course. Anything.”

Levi really liked the acceptance in Erwin’s face just then.

“I’m not going to apologize to you right now, Erwin. Even though it has to be done. I’m not going to apologize about ruining your birthday, or for scaring your shitless, or for hurting you and frustrating you. I’m not going to do any of that because I don’t want you to feel like you have to forgive me. I don’t want you to forgive me. It’ll frustrate me if you forgive me. Because what just happened was stupid fucking shit and I’m so angry about it. I know the anger is good. I know that it’ll force me forward. And I also know that if you forgive me the anger will go away and then I’ll just have this god awful despair. I know because I’ve felt it before--every time Hanji has forgiven me for doing this to her. She accepts too much. Even though she tells me that I’m going to get better, when she looks at me like that, like she _expects_ my stupid attacks, then I feel like I’m always going to be like this. And that feeling--it’s so hard to fight. It brings everything down. My body becomes heavy and useless. Clumsy. And nothing has a point. And I just sink and sink until I’m so fucking low I don’t even want to cry because that’s useless too. So don’t forgive me Erwin. Be upset at me. Look at me like you expected better. Like you _know_ I’m capable of more. Because sometimes it’s too hard to believe on my own and I need someone else to believe in me so that it can seem possible.”

Levi wasn’t looking at Erwin anymore. He hated that his eyes always dropped to the bedspread when he was talking about feelings stuff. But hey, that was more than he’d been managed before. For the first time in years he was actually _talking_.

 It was quiet for almost a minute.

“Levi?”

Erwin’s voice was like a shirt you put on still hot from the dryer. It felt great, but you still put it on slowly. Levi didn’t look up.

“Yeah?”

“Can I touch you for a moment?”

Levi bit his lip. The question made him so happy, but he couldn’t articulate exactly why.

“You don’t have to ask, idiot.”

He’d deal with the shit, and he wouldn’t throw up. He _better_ not, or he’d punch himself in the throat.

Erwin pulled Levi’s hand forward and then carefully laced their fingers together. Invisible shit was doing horrible invisible shit things between their fingers, but Levi forced himself to focus on the warmth of Erwin’s skin.

“Levi...I don’t want to undermine the way you feel, because your feelings are legitimate, and I don’t ever want you to feel otherwise. But forgiving you isn’t up to me because there never was anything to forgive in the first place. You’ve done nothing wrong. You didn’t choose to react that way. You didn’t choose any of this. And I know you’re trying so damn hard, so how could anyone place blame? No--no, let me finish Levi.”

Levi closed his mouth, annoyance rushing through him. But he let Erwin continue.

“I know why you want the blame. Because you feel more in control that way. Someone who shoulders blame is responsible to change his actions. That if there’s no blame then you have no responsibility to change anything and then you feel unmoored. But Levi, it’s all about what _you_ want. You can be blame free and still work your ass off for something. Hanji...I know you know her far better than I do, but maybe you misinterpreted what you saw in her eyes. Because Hanji _knows_ you’re going to get better, no matter how many bumps there are in the way. She knows, even more than me, exactly how hard you’re working. Don’t think she’s given up on you. Never think that.”

Erwin let go of his hand, and Levi was pissed off at himself and saddened that he felt relieved instead of bereft. But even if the touch had been problematic, the words…Why was it that Erwin was able to make so much sense when he spoke? It was unfair at how good he was at destroying Levi’s negative views of the world and himself.

“Erwin?”

“Yes, sugarplum?”

Levi stared at Erwin’s intensely serious face, had a mental breakdown, and then shouted, “WHAT?”

Erwin burst out laughing. He quite literally exploded with it. The stiff set of shoulders and the tiredness itching in his bones appeared to wash away in that moment of mirth.

“Oh god, Levi. Your face. _Your face_.”

“Wait...you did that _on purpose_?”

“ _Priceless_. Oh shit, I can’t _breathe._ ”

“Erwin!”

“That’s it, I’m definitely calling you that from now on.”

“Do it, and die!”

But now Levi was starting to smile and he had a feeling that had been Erwin’s point with all this. His suspicions were confirmed when Erwin stopped laughing and looked at him with a trace of wonder.

“What?” Levi demanded, pretending to still be grumpy.

“Nothing.”

“You better not be thinking I’m cute.”

“Perish the thought.”

“Because I’m a grown ass man.”

“So I’ve observed.”

“And grown men aren’t cute.”

“Well that might be debatable.”

“No debates.”

“You might be a little cute.”

“Erwin!”

“Just a smidgen.”

“I’m not cute if I’m covered in shit.”

There was a brief moment of silence.

“What shit?”

“The invisible shit covering every inch of my body and every object in this room including you.”

Another moment of silence.

“What?”

“Did I say something weird?”

“ _Invisible_ shit?”

“Yeah. I can feel it, but I can’t see it.”

“Covering everything?”

“It’s distinctly repulsive. Just sitting here is making me feel like I’m going to vomit.”

“Wait. Just…hold up.”

Erwin was now leaning so far forward just a brush of wind would send him off the edge of his chair and face first into the ground.

“You mean to say that after all that meticulous cleaning everything is covered in _invisible_ shit?”

“Sorry.”

“So I’m covered in shit?”

“Yup.”

“Is that why you can’t touch me?”

“Yup.”

“Jesus Christ.”

“If he were here he would probably be covered in shit too.”

“Levi you’re not covered in shit.”

“Oh yes I am.”

“I scrubbed everything in this room to within an inch of its life. If even a single germ exists in this room it’s a crippled and dying one.”

“I believe you...” Levi said with a tentative kind of stumbling. “But everything is still covered in shit.”

Erwin dragged a hand down his face. Levi had to look away. He couldn’t stand the idea of Erwin rubbing crap over that beautiful face.

“So you’re saying that you know the shit is just in your head.”

“Hey, maybe the lack of shit is all in _your_ head.”

That stumped Erwin for a moment.

“I suppose that’s possible. Is there anyone you’d trust enough to believe about the lack of shit?”

That was an easy one.

“Hanji.”

The door burst open with a crack.

“Did someone say my name?”

Levi jumped and Erwin looked to the heavens for support.

“Were you seriously just standing out there waiting to do that?” Erwin asked.

“You’re the lamest person alive,” Levi added.

“You guys are mean. It’s called a dramatic entrance.”

“It’s called eavesdropping,” Erwin corrected.

“No it isn’t. I’ve got a medical license. That’s gotta count for something.”

“Pretty sure it doesn’t,” Levi said.

“Oh what do you guys know?” she said, and walked over to the bed. She was wearing a ridiculous paper outfit and hospital booties.

“Nice outfit,” Erwin said with a smirk.

“Very flattering,” Levi added.

“Shut up, this is for _you_ asshole.”

“Did Petra let you go outside like that?”

“Petra’s the one who _made_ it for me.”

Erwin looked at Levi and then back at Hanji. “I’m sorry to say, but she doesn’t love you.”

“Shut up. Now Levi, what’s this about invisible shit?”

“At least _pretend_ not to eavesdrop.”

“Erwin, if you don’t shut up I’m going to make you leave.”

“You won’t be able to budge my crusty old ass.”

“Thirty eight fucking years old…”

Levi felt a little stab of shock. It seemed like the world wouldn’t be willing to let him forget that he’d ruined Erwin’s birthday

“Shh don’t say it out loud like that. It hurts my feelings.”

“Get over yourself. I’m talking to Levi.”

“Actually _I_ was talking to Levi. _You_ barged in.”

Hanji pointedly ignored this and stared at Levi, waiting. Levi sighed.

“I can feel invisible shit covering my body as well as everything and everyone else in the room.”

“Fascinating.”

“That’s not the word I would use.”

“What does it feel like?”

“Like shit.”

“Literally or figuratively?”

“ _Hanji_.”

“Okay okay. Has this happened before?”

“Yeah. A bunch of times.”

“You never told me!”

Levi shrugged. “It’s not usually as bad as this though, and usually it generally fades after a few seconds.

“So it’ll go away?”

“Hopefully.”

“Right. So we have nothing to worry about.”

Erwin stood up. “We have everything to worry about. Levi is suffering.”

“Of course he is. With your old man face in the room, who isn’t?”

Erwin crouched down beside Levi. “I’m going to try to help it go away, okay?”

Levi nodded.

“My brave sugarplum.”

“Don’t make me spit in your eye.”

Erwin stood up again.

“What if you see me clean everything over again? Will that help?”

“I don’t know.”

“Okay. We’ll try.”

“I don’t want you to do any more work.”

“And I don’t want you to suffer. And since I’m bigger, I win.”

Erwin crossed over to the table and picked up a new tub of purell. “All right, how naked do you want me?”

Obvious questions always had obvious answers. Levi didn’t bother using words. He just smiled. Erwin chuckled.

“Pervert.”

“Hey, _you_ asked.”

Hanji groaned. “Now I remember why you left in the first place.”

“Shh my Levi needs me.”

“More like you need Levi.”

“Stop ruining my delusions.”

Erwin pulled his scrub shirt over his head. It was only then that Levi realized that the man was wearing a different set of clothes.

“Wait, what happened to your sweater?”

Both Erwin and Hanji turned to look at him.

“You know. The baby blue one that was huggable like a cloud.”

Now Erwin and Hanji looked at each other.

“What was in that sedative you gave him?” Erwin asked.

“I never thought I’d ever hear the word ‘huggable’ pass his lips.”

Levi was going to harangue them both later for their uselessness.

“The _sweater_. Where is it?”

“It’s history,” Erwin said.

“What?”

“It got covered in shit and blood,” Hanji clarified. “Nanaba threw it out.”

“What? No! She can’t.”

“Why not?”

“Because I didn’t get to touch it.”

Hanji looked at Erwin. “Is he genuinely upset about this?”

“I think so.”

“I wanted to touch the sweater, damn it.”

“Trust me,” Erwin said. “You did not want to touch that sweater. If invisible shit is bothering you then that most certainly would’ve bothered you.”

“I don’t mean now, I mean when I get better.”

Erwin touched the bed spread. Levi realized the motion for what it was. A substitute.

_I want to touch you too, Erwin._

But the shit was holding that yearning back. It was like dunking your favorite food in sewer water. It was still your favorite food, but just, ya know, covered in sewer water.

“I’ll make Nanaba get me a new sweater. An even softer one. She’s the one who bought me the blue one in the first place as a Christmas gift last year.”

Levi’s guilt intensified.

_Great, not only was it a beautiful sweater, it was a beautiful sweater with sentimental value._

“I got your Christmas sweater covered in shit…”

“No.”

Erwin’s hand clenched in the bedspread.

“It wasn’t you. It was the psycho patient. It’s not your fault. Stop saying it’s your fault.”

Levi wanted to rally against that, but he was too surprised.

“Did you just call one of the patients here “psycho?”

“He’s not a patient here. He was carted back to the hellhole he came from two hours after the incident.”

That wasn’t what Levi meant.

“Still, you’re the last person I’d ever expect to call a mentally ill person a psycho.”

“I am deeply unhappy with him right now. When I get murderously angry I tend to get a tad insensitive.”

“But you’re a medical professional.”

“The moment that bastard covered you with shit I ceased being anything close to professional. I was just a man whose Levi had been covered in shit.”

Finally Levi understood. And that’s why he felt his face grow hot.

It wasn’t that Erwin was being lax as a nurse. It was that he couldn’t possibly think of himself as a nurse right now. And that was the best reality Levi could ever have been offered. Because Erwin didn’t see himself as Levi’s caretaker anymore. They no longer had the shitty power dynamic in place. Erwin smith saw eye to eye with him, and that was all Levi had wanted since the first day he’d met the man.

“Levi?”

Erwin’s voice was tentative, confused. Levi couldn’t look up yet.

He was more aware of the lump in his throat then the shit coating it. He stretched out his hand and wrapped his fingers around Erwin’s wrist. For a moment all he felt was the warmth.

“Levi, what are you--”

“I’m going to be out of this bed tomorrow,” Levi announced. His teeth were in a tight line. “I don’t care how I do it, but I’m going to do it.”

He swallowed against the lump. He was going to get the rest out.

“And...and I’m going to need your help, both of you, but I’m going to do it. So please help me. I don’t--I don’t want to let the shit win.”

Erwin slid his hand up, and now they were both gripping each other’s wrists.

“Of course.”

Erwin’s eyes were burning.

“You don’t have to ask. I’ll be here, right here, for however long you want.”

Something slapped against the table. It was a pack of sterile gloves. And Hanji was the annoyed person who’d dropped them.

“You guys are so embarrassing. It’s a good thing Naba isn’t here.”

Hanji ripped open the pack of gloves and put them on.

“Don’t worry, Levi. I know the sappy stuff is all Erwin’s influence. Now let’s get to work.”

She grabbed one of the Lysol cans.

“I know you want to see Erwin strip so I’ll let him detox your body and his, and I’ll start on the room.”

It was annoying how smart Hanji was. He couldn’t even begin to pretend around her. It was a good thing Erwin knew no shame. He tossed his shirt onto the chair he’d been sitting on and pushed his scrub pants down his thighs. Levi was infinitely glad to have a front seat to the show.

Erwin stepped out of his pants. Now he was in nothing but a pair of camo print boxers and little hospital booty socks.

The abs. That was the first thing Levi noticed, because, he realized, there hadn’t been any photoshop work in that running ad at all.

_Fuck, he’s stacked._

He had a feeling his eyes were bulging unattractively.

“Give me the purell Erwin.” He held out his hand, impatient. “Right the fuck now.”

Erwin, being a pretty smart man, didn’t question Levi’s tone, and smacked the tub down into his waiting palm. Levi took a fat glob of the stuff and slapped it directly on said godly abs. He slid his hands onto the perfect muscles and groaned. It didn’t matter how embarrassing he was being. It was worth it.

_So damn worth it._

Because the muscles beneath his fingers were coiling and undulating beneath Erwin’s skin, and they gave him a fierce rush of memories. He thought of his dream. The one where Erwin had took hold of him and held him like the only rock in a storm tossed sea. He felt that love rush into him and throw his insides into a tangled mess.

_I will treasure this body_. _No matter what it looks like or what happens to it._

His slick fingers found the grooves between the lines of muscle, and spread all the way to the edges of Erwin’s torso. The warmth and softness of skin on what felt like steel so enamored Levi that he didn’t realize the way Erwin was breathing until the man grabbed both of Levi’s wrists.

“Stop.”

Levi froze because his eyes had just met Erwin’s.

_This is what he’d look like during sex. That’s the face he would make. I’m looking at Erwin’s sex face._

Levi didn’t know how blue eyes could look that much like fire, but they went straight through his chest and thunked into his back.

_Like a stupid arrow of love or some shit._

Erwin pulled Levi’s fingers away.

“I would really appreciate it if you didn’t do...just don’t…”

He took a step back and took a deep breath. Levi stared.

“Did I do something wrong?”

“No. I mean, yes. I mean, let’s focus on you, right now, okay? And it’s hard for me to focus on important things when you do sudden crap like that.”

Levi curled his fingers together and pulled his arms into his chest. “Sorry. I didn’t think.”

“No. You didn’t do…it’s me, okay? Just let me do the cleaning and we’ll be fine. Hopefully.”

“You’re seriously the grossest old man alive,” Hanji threw out from the other side of the room.

Erwin ignored her. He took the purell from Levi and continued where Levi had left off. He began the routine Levi had already grown used to. He started with his hands and began to work the purell into his nails and knuckles. Levi focused on trying to remove the invisible shit with his brain.

_Erwin is safe. He’s always done everything to make you safe. His touch is safe. IT’S SAFE._

He hated how hard he had to work to convince himself.

The shit was still there, still all over Erwin’s hands. Levi took a deep breath and switched tactics. He closed his eyes. He let himself remember.

He remembered the circle of warmth that was Erwin’s arms. He remembered drifting off in gentle sleep knowing the nightmares would be kept at bay because Erwin was right beside him. He remembered his first panic attack and the way Erwin’s skin had bled and how he hadn’t allowed the pain Levi was causing him to affect the gentleness of his touch. He remembered and remembered. And all those memories were full of Erwin being gentle, being kind, being safe.

_You don’t have to convince yourself of something your body already knows to be true._

Because it _did_ know. Levi opened his eyes to find his body already leaning toward the other man. It knew who it wanted comfort from, it sought it automatically. He just had to let go and trust in that feeling.

His hands found Erwin’s arms and slid up them as he fell forward in his bed. Erwin’s name on his lips.

_The goal isn’t to get rid of the shit. It’s to realize that it doesn’t matter_

Erwin’s arms came up automatically and the tub of purell fell to the floor. Warmth was everywhere and that was all Levi wanted to focus on. His face his Erwin’s chest, still sticky with large amounts of sanitizer.

_The germs can exist, they might even hurt you, but this is more important. This. This feeling. This fullness. This is worth everything._

He wasn’t trying to convince himself anymore and that’s how he knew he was speaking the truth. His arms circled around the blonde's neck as Erwin lifted him clear off the bed and squeezed him into himself.

“Levi. Levi you, you don’t have to. You don’t…”

But Erwin was only squeezing him tighter and Levi didn’t feel trapped. There were walls around him but they weren’t dumpster walls. They were living breathing walls. They were covered in shit, yes, but they were shit covered walls that he’d _chosen._ Erwin was his choice. An important choice, and one that made him dizzingly happy.

Or maybe that dizziness was because he wasn’t breathing right.

“Put him down, put him the hell _down_ ,” Hanji said, urgent hands pulling at Levi. “He’s still in attack mode.”

It was true. He was hyperventilating, but he’d never been so _happy_ about it before. It was because he was in the middle of an epiphany.

_Shit is still scary, but I can have more important things. It doesn’t have to define everything. I can try to live my life around the shit, in the shit. I don’t have to avoid it if I don’t want to._

Erwin’s arms open, and Levi fell back onto the bed, but he bolted back up and looked up at Erwin, face flushed with triumph. “I don’t _have_ to be completely rid of it. I can keep going forward even if the fear is still there.”

He gripped Erwin’s fingers tightly refusing to let go. “The fear doesn’t have to paralyze me. Everyone’s afraid of something, I just can’t let it keep me from doing the things I want to do.”

He stood up on the bed. For one second he felt taller than anything else in the world. “And I want to do you, I mean, not _do you_ do you, I mean I want to choose to be with you no matter how many germs that involves. And I choose you, Hanji, and Petra, and Moblit, and, hell, even fucking _Nile_. I’ll go to circle group because I _want_ to, because the people there are fucking _awesome_ , and I’ll deal with their germs, and maybe I’ll be a little afraid, but I’ll be okay, because I’m strong. My body protects me, and I protect myself. I can make the choices I want to make. I can do whatever the fuck I want.”

Now he was dizzy because his mind was reeling. He’d never imagined the world could open itself up to him like this. He suddenly felt like he had more opportunities than he knew what to do with.

“I can go climb a mountain, or eat greasy Chinese food, or use finger paint, or ride the subway…okay, maybe not the subway yet because that’s just next level filth shit, but I can do almost anything, and I don’t have to stop myself anymore. The germs are always going to be there, but I just have to learn to stop caring. I have to be okay to touch them. Because we’re _all_ covered in shit, I just have to not let that shit keep me from touching the people I care about.”

The world was spinning, it had been for some time now, but Levi only noticed when he finally tipped over and fell backwards. Erwin’s arms caught him before he could hit the bed, and that’s when Levi started laughing. The sound went everywhere in his scattered mind and he didn’t care if it never stopped. He was happy. He was in love. And it was a beautiful shit covered world. It was too bad for the black spots that kept spotting across his vision, though.

“Levi, are you—“

“Everything’s spinning and stretching and,” Levi laughed again and clapped his hands on Erwin’s cheeks. “And you are so _so_ handsome.”

“Hanji—“

“I know, I know. Don’t panic. It’s probably dehydration and low blood sugar. We have to get something into his system.”

“He’s gone all floppy and hazy.”

“Levi will you let us hook you up to an IV?” Hanji asked. She was wiping down a blood pressure cuff.

Levi squeezed Erwin’s face tighter until the man was making a fishy face. Levi cracked up again.

“Do you think I’ll throw up if I kiss you?” he asked.

The whole world was a spinning top, and he and Erwin were in the middle of it. Levi found that he just wanted to hold on and enjoy the shit covered ride.

“Levi, please, let’s try and focus here. You really need some fluids.”

“Don’t want it. I’ll throw up and all I want to do is look at you.”

“What if I clean everything really well? I can boil the water. That’ll kill all the germs, right? I can scrub down a steel thermos—“

“Don’t want it. Not ready yet.”

“Well then what about an IV? We can also hook up a sugar solution and that’ll help with the blood sugar as well.”

Levi shuddered. “No. The germs will have open holes to get in through. Not ready for that yet either.”

“Well then what are we supposed to do? Everything’s going to have germs.”

“I’m only willing to deal with germs if it’s worth it. And drinking water is not worth it. This, however…”

He squeezed Erwin’s arms and gave him his best version of a wicked grin. He had a feeling it looked more giddy than wicked because of the whole spinning world thing.

“This is worth it.”

Levi expected Erwin’s refusal. Maybe a stern face and a “No, Levi, we have to focus on more important things right now and not how much you want me to kiss and touch every part of your body.”

But instead he got Erwin freezing, and then the man’s whole face lit up in the way only brilliant ideas can light a person up.”

“That’s it!” Erwin shouted and drew away from Levi, pulling his arms free.

Levi was surprised the man hadn’t shouted “Eureka!” and streaked out of the room.

As it was he was too busy experiencing that strange feeling of despondency and relief over Erwin letting go of him to focus too much on Erwin’s ideas. Hanji was interested though. As Erwin grabbed a new toothbrush and the tub of purell Hanji let out with a cautious sounding, “What are you doing?”

“Coming up with a drinking alternative that’s worthwhile to Levi.”

He dipped the toothbrush head into the tub. Hanji’s face went from confused to understanding.

“Oh this is _so_ not a good idea.”

“On the contrary, it’s the best idea I’ve had since I woke up.”

“You only woke up five minutes ago,” Levi pointed out, but this didn’t put a damper on Erwin’s newfound euphoria. He scooped up a hefty amount of antiseptic atop his toothbrush, gave it one bracing look, and then...stuffed it into his mouth.

Levi’s eyes blew open as Erwin’s narrowed in a wince.

“How’s that taste, buttcruncher?” Hanji asked, crossing her arms over her chest.

“Better than shit,” Erwin said, and began to brush.

Levi stared. How could he not? Erwin was brushing his teeth with Purell. Even _he_ had only done that twice. Erwin began to scrub his tongue and the insides of his cheeks. Levi had to ask.

“Why are you doing that?”

Erwin dunked the toothbrush back into the tub and came back up with another blob of purell which he unceremoniously stuffed into his mouth. This time even Hanji winced.

“I’m surprised you haven’t gagged yet,” she said.

“Got rid of that particular reflex years ago,” Erwin said, pride in his voice as he shot Levi a wink.

Levi found himself choking in Erwin’s place.

_That asshole_.

His face was already flushing, but he was still confused, even when Erwin’s walked to the table and snagged a closed bottle of powerade. Even when he walked back over to Levi and stopped at the edge of the bed. Later he’d blame his slow wits on his dizziness, but it didn’t change the fact that he didn’t realize what Erwin was about to do until the man leaned over him and whispered, “You want to try and kiss me, right?”

Levi froze as Erwin raised the powerade bottle again.

“You want a kiss and I want you to drink this.”

He gave the bottle a shake.

“Why don’t we compromise?”

_Stop. Don’t get excited. You could throw up as soon as you put your mouth on anything. Don’t just rush into this. Don’t--_

He was already leaning forward, chin tilting up as he reached for Erwin with his hands. But Erwin pulled away.

“Wait, Levi.”

But Levi didn’t want to wait. He was ready for the kiss, and he was worried that if he waited then the germs would catch up and make it not okay again. He had to seize every opportunity to move forward because only he knew just how easy it would be for him to slide backward again.

“No.”

His voice was strong, sure, and Erwin’s shock just showcased how little those things were expected of him right now.

“No wait. Now.”

Many might have criticized Erwin for what he did next, because the blonde cracked the cap off the powerade and brought the bottle to his lips. But those that would criticize didn’t see what was happening. It wasn’t Nurse Erwin standing there, and it might never be again. Instead it was Erwin, a man who looked at Levi and thought that their opinions on how to move forward were equal.

Erwin took a swig and held it in his mouth. Then his fingers slid across Levi’s jaw, pulling his face up as Levi leaned into Erwin’s space. Levi’s lips parted on their own as his fingers sank into Erwin’s hair.

_Please still be okay. Please let the feeling still be there._

Of course it was. Erwin’s lips pushed against Levi’s, practical, purposeful, as they made a tight seal with his mouth before opening and flooding Levi with the sweet drink.

Levi’s fingers froze before they tightened, shocked at the contrast of warm with cold.

_This damn old geezer…_

Levi swallowed. It was an automatic gesture that he’d been suppressing since the patient’s attack, but now it seemed just as natural as it always had. He swallowed despite the scraped burning in his throat because the liquid had to disappear in order to get a taste of Erwin, and that was an exceedingly simple choice to make.

Levi sucked air in through his nose once he’d swallowed and then kissed Erwin, breaking the perfect seal and causing drops of blue liquid to run down their jaws. His hand clenched in Erwin’s hair, but it did nothing as a second later Erwin pulled back, not catching Levi’s gasp as their mouths were separated.

Levi let out a soft whine. Too little. He hadn’t had enough time to _really_ make sure. Well, he _knew_ , but he wanted to pretend he didn’t. Erwin wasn’t letting that fly though. He let himself look at Levi with those flashing wanting eyes for just one more moment, but then he smoothed out his expression, replacing the flashing eyes for ones of warmth.

“Here,” the blonde said, lifting the bottle and pushing it into Levi’s hand. “Drink the rest on your own, okay?”

Levi looked at Erwin and didn’t cover the uncertainty on his face. He didn’t stop the slight tremble on the bottle either.

“You can do this,” Erwin whispered. His knuckles touched the ones holding the bottle. “I know you can.”

But Levi didn’t want to vomit again. He was terrified of the idea. Worse than invisible shit was being covered by actual vomit. He was pretty sure he’d be able to suppress the urge but there was that niggling doubt…

“I’m a little bit afraid,” he admitted.

That was another thing he hated about moments like these. Too much vulnerability.

Erwin curled one of his fingers around one of Levi’s. “But you have your shield.”

Levi couldn’t have smiling a bit at that, because it was true. Levi looked at Erwin and didn’t see the nearly naked chiseled god standing before him. He saw warm hands and a kind teasing voice that had been there to first pull him out of the terror of his mind. So many more things were easier with Erwin standing there, but he wasn’t just going to _say_ that.

“I don’t _need_ you, ya know,” Levi said. He curled the rest of his hand around the finger Erwin had given him.

Erwin’s smile was always a beautiful thing, but Levi couldn’t help feeling that it was even nicer when it spread across his face like a slowly opening flower as it did now.

“I wasn’t talking about me,” Erwin said. His fingers found Levi’s bare stomach and slid up his torso. The hand stopped on his chest, right over Levi’s heart.

Levi decided that Erwin didn’t play fair. His tiny body couldn’t withstand all of the man’s horrible but way too effective romantic crap. He took in a slow breath, but still felt unbalanced.

“You,” Erwin said, finding Levi’s eyes and staying there, “Are the bravest man I’ve ever met.”

Levi felt a jolt. Impossible, of course, but…

_Why is he saying it like it’s not a lie?_

“Don’t be stupid,” Levi muttered.

Erwin’s smile didn’t harden, if anything, it grew softer.

“I don’t it’s stupid to think so, not after the stories I was told.”

Levi stopped everything. Right. Hanji had told the man everything.

But Erwin didn’t stop at Levi’s alarm. He eased himself up and carefully, slowly—so slow that had Levi wanted he could have stopped him if he so desired—lowered himself down onto Levi’s bed and leaned forward. His fingers tenderly cupped the back of Levi’s neck.

“When I was a little kid I went through a superhero phase, as most kids did, but mine was really intense. It wasn’t just the usual Captain America underwear and justice league bedsheet set. For an entire year the only words that left my mouth were superhero dialogue. I lived, breathed, and dreamed superheros. Until one day I was walking outside and I saw someone snatch a boy’s phone. It was such a simple little crime, one that happens every day, and there was no violence involved. Just some teenager who took off running into the crowd, but it was the first real crime I’d ever seen, and no one came to stop the thief. I waited for someone to come. Some man or women in a ridiculous spandex outfit to swoop down out of the sky and stop the guy. But that didn’t happen. Of course it didn’t. And so all I could do was watch the guy until he was out of sight. That would have been bad enough, but it was worse than that, because not only was there no superhero, there was no _anything_. When that guy snatched the boy’s phone no one reacted. The boy let out a surprised shout, but then even he did nothing. No one said a word, no one took a step to go after the guy. It just happened. No consequences. No justice. No effort. That was the day I stopped believing in superheroes.”

_That’s the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever heard_ , Levi thought, wanting very much to comfort Erwin but not knowing how. But it didn’t look like Erwin needed comfort. He was still smiling.

“I didn’t believe for a very long time, Levi. So long that I just accepted I’d never believe again. But then I met you, Levi. And that, well, that changed things.”

Erwin’s fingers moved from the back of Levi’s neck to the side of his face where they cradled his ear. Levi had to marvel at how well he was doing with the contact.

“Ready for something really cheesy?” Erwin asked.

“Hell no.”

Erwin grinned. Levi relented.

“What is it?”

Erwin tapped Levi’s nose. “You’re my superhero. You’re the most inspiring person I’ve ever seen, and I want to be just like you when I grow up, except taller.”

Levi groaned. Erwin was right. It was horrifically cheesy. Too bad the cheesy things Erwin said always made his face burn. He heard Hanji snort.

“Wow. I’m embarrassed _for_ you.”

Erwin didn’t bother turning around to look at her. “Aren’t you supposed to be cleaning?”

“I’m _trying_. But your sappiness is distracting. I’m finding it hard to keep down my breakfast.”

Erwin nuzzled Levi’s hair, Hanji pretended to retch. Levi decided it was time to get the control of the situation back into his own hands. He focused his attention on the powerade bottle in his hands.

_Right. I just gotta do this._

He focused on taking deep breaths. Erwin noticed his silence.

“Uh, Levi, what are you—“

Levi jerked his head back, clamped the bottle against his mouth, and chugged.

_Don’t think of the shit coating it. Don’t think about what’s floating in there. Just drink._

He drank, squeezing the bottle as he swallowed. Thin rivers of blue ran from his mouth to splash down onto his bare chest.

_All of it. Better to do it in one go._

He needed air, but it could wait just a couple more seconds, and then somehow he was swallowing air, the bottle was empty. He’d finished.

Levi tossed the bottle over the side of the bed with a satisfied grunt. He was feeling dizzy again but this time it was a better kind of dizzy—a triumphant dizzy. It wasn’t hard for him to find Erwin’s eyes, they were boring into his face after all.

“How’s that?” Levi growled. “You proud of me?”

He didn’t even have to hear the words to know the answer to that one. It was written all over Erwin’s face. The blonde was already reaching for him.

“Like you can’t even imagine.”

Erwin’s voice was just rough enough to be unfairly sexy.

_All right. Definitely kissing him again._

Levi’s hands knotted in the man’s hair and he was already tilting his chin up for maximum positioning pleasure when the door burst open once more with so much force that it smacked into the wall and stayed there, the doorknob having impaled itself into the cheap plaster walls.

“Levi!”

And Levi groaned, not only because he’d just lost his perfect moment to kiss his favorite blonde, but because he recognized that voice after many group circle sessions together.

“What is it, Eren?” Levi grumbled in a clearly unhappy way.

And just like that Eren started to cry. Levi would have felt guilty, but he’d already learned that it was impossible to predict what would set the teenager off, and it was just as likely to be the cycle of the moon and the tides it created than anything _he’d_ done to the boy.

“You’re ALIVE!”

“I’m starting to wish I wasn’t…”

Eren rushed into the room as did a boatload of others. It suddenly got very crowded. Erwin jumped up and grabbed Eren before he could take a flying leap into Levi’s bed.

“Careful!” the blonde barked.

“But…hugs?”

Poor Eren looked so frightened ad confused that he’d stopped crying.

“No hugs. No touching anything. No getting too close. And no getting him overly excited. His blood sugar’s still really low.”

Levi snorted. As if Erwin had any right to tell others not to get him excited. The filthy hypocrite.

“But I need to make sure he’s alive!”

“I already checked, trust me.”

Eren looked crestfallen. Beside him Mikasa put a hand on his shoulder. “You can hug me instead,” she offered. Eren didn’t look mollified by that.

Then Reiner entered the room and space seemed to grow smaller. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen this much paper in my life.”

Bertholdt followed close behind him. “Think of the trees…”

Levi shrugged. “Take it up with these two goons, I didn’t do it.”

But though he was going for a nonchalant breezy attitude, inwardly the sudden rush of people was making him scream.

_This is good for you. The farther you push yourself the faster you’ll heal._

Hanji appeared by his side. “Do you want me to make them leave?” she asked out of the side of her mouth.

“It’s all right. I can handle it.”

“You look pale.”

“That’s just the low blood sugar Erwin keeps going on about.”

Then Armin snuck out from behind Eren and rushed up to Erwin. He threw his arms around the man’s waist and whispered something into Erwin’s stomach that was muffled to Levi’s ears.

Levi threw Erwin a questioning look.

“He says that he was really worried about you and wants to know if you’re okay now.”

Levi felt that trickly warmth in his chest that meant his heart had melted. He would always have a soft spot in his heart for the little blonde who looked sort of like a miniature child Erwin. Armin was now taking little peeks at Levi from beneath Erwin’s arm, large eyes wide with worry.

Levi held his arm out. “Come here,” he said softly.

Armin looked uncertain, and he looked up at Erwin for permission, but Erwin was too busy looking at Levi to see if _he_ was okay. Levi cocked his head to the side, the motion causing some of his hair to fall into his face. He really needed to cut it again, but he decided he would save that for the day he left the center as a sort of congratulatory release. He gave Armin a gentle smile. “Come.”

Armin released Erwin and then slowly and shyly made his way over to Levi, keeping his eyes trained on the floor the entire time. When he reached Levi he didn’t raise his eyes, but he grabbed Levi’s fingers in a little squeeze and blushed furiously.

“I’m sorry I missed your graduation,” Levi whispered and pulled the boy closer to him. He touched the top of Armin’s hair. Shit couldn’t cover a small boy this pure, Levi refused to believe it no matter what his mind told him.

“I really wanted to be there, for you, Eren, and Mikasa. It happened this morning, right?”

Armin shook his head.

“Did it get pushed off?”

Armin shook his head again.

Levi swiped the pad of his thumb over the back of Armin’s hand. “So what happened, little one?”

He wanted to hug the small creature, but he didn’t want to startle the boy just in case the gesture made him throw up.

Armin let go of Levi’s hand and hugged himself around his waist instead. “We wouldn’t let them have it while…”

“While I was still like this?”

Armin nodded, and finally took a tiny peek upward at Levi. The little blonde’s eyes were wet. That was it. Too much for Levi. He leaned down and pressed a kiss to Armin’s forehead.

“I’m sorry for worrying you,” he said, and was annoyed that he couldn’t really express the feeling better than that.

Armin shrugged. “It’s okay. Mikasa says that worrying about someone is loving them.”

“Mikasa does worry a lot, doesn’t she?” he whispered.

Armin giggled. It was such a sweet sound. In contrast, Mikasa growled. Levi could add super bionic hearing to the list of talents she had.

“So now that I’m awake and breathing semi normally when is the graduation going to be held?”

Armin shrugged again. “Well you have to be healthy enough to attend. I don’t think Erwin would let us have the ceremony in this room.”

Levi glanced up at Erwin who was looking on edge.

“I suppose you’re right…”

“Also I think they’re going to wait for the staff to get better.”

“Wait. What staff?”

“The ones the patient hurt. The new ones. Gunther says they’re walking lawsuits waiting to happen.”

“Which patient? The smiling Titan?”

Armin nodded. His confidence was returning. The boy had always been good with telling over straight fact.

“Supposedly what happened was that those two were watching him. They were told not to touch him until the more experienced staff could come back up and take over. The patient was well restrained and the situation was more than safe enough. But they didn’t follow the rules. Apparently the room started to reek after the patient made a large bowel movement and the staff decided that they had better change his diaper.”

Armin assessed Levi’s face, and Levi knew why. It was that exact bowel movement that had been smeared all over him. When Armin saw that Levi wasn’t freaking out he continued.

“They figured that since they were two strong men they could restrain the almost emaciated looking patient. So one of them decided he would hold the patient down while the other changed him. While they were taking off the restraints the patient seemed to be peaceful, silent. But then, while he was being held down and one of the staff reached to undo the diaper, the patient suddenly jerked up with an incredible burst of strength and bit right down into the staff restraining him—right in the neck, and tore a chunk right out. The man screamed and let go of the patient and that’s when he attacked the other staff. This time he bit right into the man’s face, but that was all. then he scrambled up and ran out of the room. The one whose face was bitten, I think his name is Mark, pulled the fire alarm and then wrapped up the other staff member, Ben, with lots of gauze to the neck to stop the bleeding because according to Erd the patient hit an artery. And, well, you know what happened next.”

Armin gestured weakly at Levi’s body. Levi nodded.

“After he attacked you. Reiner and Erwin threw themselves into the mix, followed by Gunther, Auruo, Hanji, and pretty much everybody. Reiner and Erd got the patient under control after you gave him a good smack in the face, and Erwin kind of belly flopped on top of you, but you still managed to hit Auruo. Petra consoled him saying he doesn’t look any worse than he did before, but he’s still got bruises, and everyone’s been making her nurse him back to health so that he doesn’t whine and that’s why she’s not in here with you even though she wants to be. Erwin Hanji and Erd have been taking care of you ever since. Erd just left to lie down a couple of hours ago after Hanji insisted he take a break. She tried to convince Erwin too, but he said he wasn’t moving from your side for anything. Erd’s going to be pissed when he wakes up though. He gave strict instructions to Hanji to wake him up as soon as you opened your eyes, but I don’t think she’s done that yet.”

Levi shot his eyes over to Hanji. She shrugged. “What? It’s not like he’s missing much. Just you and Erwin making goo-goo eyes at each other. Armin’s wrong, he’ll probably be grateful I left him out of this.”

For some reason Levi seriously doubted it. He had come to greatly appreciate Erd in the time he’d been here. He, Erd, and Gunther had spent a lot of time together in the five weeks Erwin had been gone. He found their presence soothing. Erd was more serious and had more of a mothering nature, and Gunther was a bit impish, always teasing Erd and quicker to laugh. But even though they were staff and Levi was a patient he still felt oddly protective over them, though he knew they definitely didn’t need it.

Levi turned his attention back to Armin.

“And how did you find out all this?”

Armin went back to blushing.

“Well, um, Eren and I were camping out near your room.”

“Eavesdropping,” Erwin said.

Armin turned an even brighter shade of pink.

“And they weren’t the only ones,” Erwin added. “No one here could seem to stay away. Not that I blame them.”

As Erwin stepped back to Levi’s side, Armin scampered away to rejoin Eren who couldn’t seem to figure out whether to be happy or sad.

Levi sighed, but it couldn’t completely cover the lightness in his body. He had never before felt so widely cared for by so many people. “Spit it out already, Jaeger. What’s bothering you?”

“Nothing!”

“I have low blood sugar not low intelligence.”

Now Eren was twitching. “I’m glad you’re better. I really am, it’s just…well, now we don’t have a reason to stay, and we’re the last of our original circle group. After we leave you’ll be the only one left.”

“What am I, chopped liver?”

All eyes turned to Jean, who showed none of Eren’s indecisions and looked distinctly pissed off.

“More like rotting liver that no one wants to eat,” Eren said.

“Well thank you for making it obvious that this place has done nothing to cure your personality,” Jean growled.

Eren pulled a stink face. “It’s done even less for yours.”

“That’s because—“

Reiner clapped a hand over Jean’s mouth while Armin buried his face in Eren’s chest, thereby shutting him up as well. Erwin sighed and sat back down on the edge of Levi’s bed.

“Don’t worry, Eren. Jean’s going to miss you too.”

Two voices, one loud, and one muffled by a hand chorused “WHAT?” at precisely the same time. Erwin pushed Levi’s hair back, a gesture so beloved, and so earnestly missed by Levi that he let out a startled little sound. Erwin eyes widened when he heard it, but then softened so much Levi was worried they would melt out of his head and make a mess everywhere.

Erwin turned his head and called out, “All right, everyone. Time to get out. Levi needs his rest.”

“What!” Gunther protested just as he popped his head into the room. “But I haven’t even said hi yet.”

“Out,” Erwin ordered and jabbed a commanding hand toward the door.

It was the kind of voice that no one could protest against. No one, save one of course.

With a kick of one arthritic leg, Agatha barreled into the room, carrying aloft a familiar cake.

“Oh I don’t think so,” she hollered (she did so enjoy hollering). “Not before you taste some of this cake your handsome and obsessive boyfriend made for you.”

“Handsome?” Hanji asked.

“Boyfriend?” Levi choked.

“Cake?” Erwin demanded looking a little nauseous at the thought.

But then the aroma of meat, gravy, and potatoes filled the room and he abruptly changed his expression. Levi looked at Agatha as she set the cake down on the side table. It looked distinctly nicer than the one he’d made. She must have added a few “minor” adjustments.

He was happy to see her until she opened her mouth and asked a question.

“What happened to the booty jeans?”

An excellent question, it turned out. And Erwin, who turned pale, must have only just realized which ones she was referring to.

“Wait…the ones I cut…were they?”

Levi looked at Erwin and saw a man who regretted everything.

What happened to the booty jeans, indeed.

\--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All right peeps. This chapter is less angsty than I was planning at first, sorry to disappoint ;)  
> So we have invisible shit and the appearance of the cake. All in all positive because we have the two gross lovebirds back together. I hope this counts as a sort of penance for the last chapter.  
> All the babies are graduating from the program though. *wipes away tears*  
> Does that mean Erwin gets to have more gross alone time with Levi?  
> Thanks for all the surprisingly positive feedback after last chapter, i didn't expect you guys to enjoy it (masochists. The whole lot of you.)
> 
> p.s. This is officially my longest work of fanfiction. And it's looking like this is going to end up being the longest piece of eruri fiction on this whole dumb site. I don't know if I should be awarded for that or punished.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can thank the quick updates that are going to happen on all the overnights I've been assigned at work this week.

Chapter 15:

“You know this isn’t necessary,” Levi mumbled into Erwin’s shoulder as the man carried him across the grass.

“Of course I do,” Erwin said and squeezed Levi a little closer, “But you shouldn’t grumble so much about things you’re enjoying anyway."

Levi tried to scowl, but it was difficult. He was in Erwin’s arms after all, one of his favorite places in the world, he was discovering. And he just knew, even though his face was buried in Erwin’s shoulder, that the blonde wasn’t anywhere close to scowling either.

It had been a couple of days since he’d woken up, and true to his word, Levi had gotten out of bed yesterday, only it hadn’t been for very long. Wearing two pairs of hospital booties, he’d managed to make the trek from the bed to the immaculately scrubbed bathtub without passing out. Granted, he’d only managed the one way trip (Erwin had carried him back to a freshly set bed of sterile paper) but it was still a victory, even if it was a small one. Today, though, he had decided on something a lot more impressive. The picnic had been Erwin’s idea. Levi had managed yesterday to eat a few smalls things, but they had all been pre-packaged foods. Today he was going to try something Agatha had cooked for him, and eat it outside in time for the sunrise.

He and Erwin had fallen into the same sleep schedule already, and since Levi was more of a night owl they’d ending up conking out for most of the day yesterday and had woken up several hours after the sun had gone down. Since everyone had been asleep they’d spent the night whispering and giggling to each other like little kids on a sleepover while Erwin snuck out to the kitchen to grab snacks and drinks periodically. It had been a wonderful night and had done so much to soothe Levi’s fears. He’d spent the hours in almost constant contact with Erwin as he had found, when he’d woken up, that the invisible shit was largely gone. It would appear for random seconds at a time, but Levi knew that it was a thing of the past and that had given him the strength to agree and encourage today’s picnic.

Agatha, forever an early riser, had peeked in on them at five in the morning and found them both awake. (She’d decided to sleep at the center so she could be available at all times to cook Levi something whenever he was finally willing to get food down.) Seeing him awake, she’d bustled off to the kitchen to prepare for him. Having seen and helped him cook since he’d gotten there, Agatha knew exactly what precautions to take as she carefully prepared a meal for Levi and Erwin. She’d started to tell Levi exactly how well she’d cleaned the oven and utensils, but Levi had waved away the explanation before she could finish. He trusted her.

And so Erwin had bundled them both up and prepared Levi’s wheelchair and they’d gone out. Levi had a strange feeling of deja vu as he was wheeled outside. He couldn’t say he was exactly happy to be sitting in his wheelchair again because it symbolized his regression, but it was like an old reliable friend, and he was grateful for it. Also it was hard to be upset after the night he’d had, and the cold near winter air felt refreshing after being cooped inside for so long.

Erwin had stopped the wheelchair at the side of the front path that was beside the small pond at the center, and spread a clean sheet on the grass. He’d weighed down the corners and set the food down before going back to fetch Levi. That was when he’d lifted him bodily from the chair in a princess carry of sorts and begun to carry him toward the homey little set up.

Erwin reached the edge of the blanket and gently set Levi down on it’s surface. Levi was wearing his pajamas, a scarf, two pairs of hospital booties, and an overly large sweatshirt of Erwin’s. It had been washed well so Erwin’s scent didn’t cling to it but just knowing the man had worn it made Levi happy to be wearing it. Erwin was dressed similarly, and as he tried to set Levi down, Levi dug his hands into the material of the man’s sweatshirt and clung to him.

“If you’re going to do embarrassing things like carry me, at least don’t be in such a hurry to leave,” he grumbled.

Erwin chuckled. “It’s not like I’m planning an international flight, I was just going to get the blanket out for you.”

Levi pulled Erwin down to the ground and snuggled into the pocket of his body.

“We don’t need the blanket if we stay close.”

“You just want an excuse to cuddle.”

“Shhhhh.”

Levi still felt sleepy even though he’d slept so much over the past few days. Hanji said that emotional healing could be just as draining as physical healing and that was why he had to sleep as much as possible, but he didn’t want to sleep. Not when Erwin was so wonderfully present.

Levi snuggled into Erwin’s chest, but soon that wasn’t enough. With the wind biting at him he felt so alive. He wanted more. He squirmed and his head moved up into Erwin’s shoulder, and then into his neck.

“What on earth are you doing?” Erwin asked as Levi snuggled deeper and deeper.

Levi knew the question didn’t have a non-embarrassing answer, so he ignored it and focused on fusing his body to Erwin’s.. He nuzzled into Erwin’s neck and his lips found skin. There was no shit to be found, and Levi was ready to throw a party because of that. Erwin, of course, tasted amazing. Something Levi confirmed once more when his tongue darted forward and took a quick taste.

“Levi,” Erwin growled, and tugged at his waist, “Behave.”

But Levi had no interest in behaving. That kind of behavior was for people who weren’t as ecstatically happy as he was. His mouth moved up to Erwin’s jaw. It was a magnificent specimen, of course. Erwin’s jaw was like the Hoover dam, strong and impenetrable. But, unlike the Hoover dam, Levi wanted to put his lips, tongue, and teeth all over him. Too bad Erwin had other ideas. He pushed against Levi’s chest before he could get full enjoyment in.

“Don’t make me stuff you back in your chair, you little cretin.”

“I’m just trying to give you a proper birthday present.”

Erwin pushed himself up onto his elbows and touched Levi’s nose. “You already gave me one, and it’s beautiful.”

Levi felt a flush of pleasure run through him. He’d actually been surprised at how positively Erwin had reacted to his gift. Hanji had been the one to hand Levi back his bracelet. He’d dropped it in the patient attack. But then he’d gone right ahead and given it to Erwin, as he’d planned all along.

Erwin had slipped it right on with a happy, “I love it, Levi. Thank you.”

But then he’d looked with confusion over at Hanji, whose mouth had fallen open in disbelief. And then Levi had needed to tell the whole story behind the gift in a stumbling self conscious way. And Erwin, wide eyed and wet eyed had clutched the bracelet in disbelief, wanting to tell Levi he couldn’t accept it, but knowing from the look in his eyes that Levi wasn’t going to let him give it back.

Levi had never felt that good about giving something before. If gift giving could feel that good then hell, he was going to start doing it everyday. And he’d also discovered that he wanted to spoil Erwin, to give him things no one else could give him, and to touch him that deeply with everything he said and did.

“I said a proper present,” Levi said. He tapped Erwin’s wrist where the metal beads were peeking out from beneath the sweatshirt cuff. “Not some decade old beads with nothing but sentimental value.”

Erwin tackled Levi and rolled around with him on the blanket. “Don’t you make fun of my present!” he huffed. “Someone very important gave it to me.”

“Well that someone needs to get better taste,” Levi grunted, thrilling in the motions of Erwin’s struggle and the kinds of lovely muscle movements it entailed.

“He already has excellent taste.”

“In what? Cleaning products?”

“In men.”

“Oh. Complimenting ourselves now, are we?”

“Well seeing as you’re not going to do it, I figure I better step up and make sure my self esteem doesn’t plummet to unsalvageable levels.”

They were both beginning to get breathless, but now Levi was leading the wrestling down a different path, and instead of grappling with Erwin in order to restrain him, he was just putting his hands wherever he chose, and one of those places was Erwin’s delectable ass. Levi hissed as the wonder inspired by said ass filled him.

“My cup runneth over,” he whispered in ardor as he realized that all the suffering in his life was counterbalanced by this single beautiful moment.

Erwin stopped struggling and reached back to pull Levi’s hand away. Sensing danger, and the end to his bounteous new treasure, Levi slipped his hand down the back of Erwin’s sweatpants in possibly the world’s best “yolo” moment. Unfortunately he didn’t dig deep enough, and his fingers found the material of Levi’s boxers and not bare flesh, but it was still amazing, and Levi had no idea why he had never tried harder to do this before.

Erwin’s fingers snapped around Levi’s wrist and yanked his hand out. Levi let out a crippling sound of disappointment.

“Are you crazy?” Erwin asked. “Or did you just forget how dirty asses are?”

Levi felt giddy with his own triumph. “I’m at an addiction center, Erwin. Most would agree that that falls nicely into the category of crazy.”

But Erwin wasn’t accepting his snarkiness. He sat up and reached into his pocket for one of the little containers of Purell he always carried around, but Levi put his hand on top of his to stop the motion.

“No. I’m okay. I don’t want to wash off your germs anymore.”

“When did that happen?”

“It’s today’s goal.”

“Today didn’t even start yet.”

Erwin gestured to the surrounding darkness. the sky had only just left that purple black stage of true night but the sun had yet to show itself.

“I ain’t washing nothing, old fart.”

“Yes, well, I don’t need you risking another attack, pervert.”

“Better a pervert than an old fart.”

“Better a safe sugarplum than an endangered one.”

“Oh that’s it,” Levi growled.

“What are you going to do about it?” Erwin asked in a faux tough guy voice. “Fight me?”

Levi grabbed Erwin’s front and yanked him back down. “Worse,” he hissed, several inches from the blonde’s face. “I’m going to eat you alive.”

Erwin shivered, and Levi would bet a considerable part of his cleaning products budget that it wasn’t from the cold. A self satisfied smirk spread across his face. Seeing it, Erwin shoved against Levi’s front.

“Uh uh. I am so not letting you kiss me.”

Levi found the zipper of Erwin’s sweatshirt and fingered the cold metal. “You’re so damn hot.”

“Levi,” Erwin warned.

“My body’s almost ready, you know,” Levi said. It was weird how you could feel feverish even out in the cold. “It’ll be able to handle everything soon.”

“We’re not doing anything, Levi.”

Erwin didn’t sound completely sure of that though.

Levi tugged Erwin with an even stronger need. “I want you.”

“Damn it, Levi,” Erwin blurted, sounding flustered. “I don’t want to do anything stupid.”

“Do you still want me, Erwin?” Levi asked pushing his hands up Erwin’s chest. “Even though I’m like this? Even after my stupid attack?”

“What? Is it bother Erwin with dumb questions time?”

It didn’t feel like a dumb question to Levi. It felt pretty legitimate, actually. His fingers went around Erwin to gently brush over his back, where he knew the skin hadn’t healed over yet.

“Even though I hurt you?”

“Come on, Levi. That wasn’t your fault.”

“I still did it. I hurt you. What kind of man does that to someone he…”

Levi let himself trail off and Erwin smiled at the unspoken words. “Someone he likes to annoy the shit out of?”

But Levi wasn’t going to let the mood lighten just like that.

“What if I do it again? I don’t want to hurt you. I hate hurting you.”

“Sugarplums aren’t capable of hurting anyone.”

“I’m serious Erwin.”

“So am I. Look…”

Erwin lifted Levi’s hand and twined their fingers together. “Whatever happens, I know you’re trying hard and that hurting me, or anyone for that matter, is unintentional. How could I hold that against you?”

Levi shrugged, unconvinced. Erwin pulled their entwined hands and pushed them up underneath his sweater to keep them warm. He scooted his butt a little closer to Levi.

“If our positions were reversed, and i accidentally hurt you while I was panicking and being hurt myself, just how long would you spend being angry at me?”

No. But that was different.

Erwin let his forehead fall against Levi’s.

“I know exactly what you’d do. You’d futz and whine over me. Snipping about how you can’t turn your back on me for one moment without me getting into trouble. And then you’d clean me up nice and comfy and climb right back into my arms because it would never occur to you to blame me for something that had hurt me so much worse than it had hurt you.”

Levi’s fingers clenched Erwin’s undershirt. It wasn’t fair when he put it that way, like everything was so simple. Erwin would have scars on his beautiful body from what Levi had done. There was one deep groove that was a good six inches long that Levi had managed to make with his nails and his panic. That would probably always leave a mark, which meant Levi would be given a reminder of what he’d done for as long as he knew Erwin.

But Erwin was waiting for the guilt in his face to fade away, which meant it was time to switch modes. Levi blew out his breath, and tried for some levity.

“Yeah, well, maybe you’ll be able to distract me from my guilt.”

“Go fuck yourself in a toilet.”

“Only if you’ll join me.”

“GO AWAY.”

“But then I’ll be cold.”

Erwin looked at him. Levi tried to look as endearing and small as possible. (It wasn’t something he tried very often, but he was surprisingly good at it.) Erwin relented and fell back on top of Levi in a heap.

“You’re impossible,” he groaned as he pulled Levi back into his body.

Levi grinned. Mission accomplished.

It was quiet for a few moments. Levi found a loose thread in Erwin’s sweatshirt and began to fiddle with it, quite happily. Meanwhile Erwin’s hand found Levi’s hair and began to stroke it as if that was his mission in life. The moment was perfect. Calm, warm despite the cold, and beautiful. Which of course made Levi want to break it. It was just so much more fun to see Erwin flustered than to see him at peace.

“You know, I dreamed about you again.”

Erwin didn’t stiffen much, but it was enough. Levi noticed.

“Is that so?”

“Yup. You were very naked.”

This actually wasn’t the truth. In the dream he and Erwin had remained fully clothed. Erwin had held Levi and stroked his hair, much like he was doing now, and while he’d done it he’d whispered to Levi, just once, that he’d loved him. But being the dumb sappy poop that he was, Levi woke up from that dream, heart aching and so in love with the still sleeping Erwin in his room that he’d stretched over to the cot they’d brought in for the blonde, found his hand, and pressed several kisses to the back, wrist, and palm of it.

Erwin pulled his head back enough to see Levi’s face.

“Now why on earth would I do a silly thing like that?” Erwin asked.

“Don’t look at me. Dreams are weird things.”

“Maybe we should leave this conversation.”

“Well you were the one who told me I can’t be blamed for things I can’t help.”

“I knew that one would come back to bite me in the ass.”

“Well speaking of ass biting, in my dream--”

“No! I don’t want to hear this!” Erwin laughed, and clapped his hands over his ears, but that only encouraged Levi. He began to tug on the blonde’s hair and shout.

“And there were dicks involved. Lots of dicks. You had four of them.”

“Now that’s plain wasteful.” Erwin said, proving to Levi that he could still hear him. “What can a man do with four dicks anyway?”

“I’m so glad you asked, because I found that in the dream there were many enlightening answers. All of which I am now going to explain to you in quite a lot of detail.”

“No!”

“Yes!”

“Unhand me, pervert!”

“Let me show you the power of gay education.”

“Let me live in ignorance!”

“I think a demonstration is in order.”

“No demonstrations!”

They were back to rolling around now, each pulling and twisting around each other, grappling until they were a big sweaty pile of manflesh. Exhausted and overheating Erwin flopped off of Levi and unzipped his sweater.

“Shit,” Erwin gasped. “I’m too old for this stuff.”

“Oh yeah? You’re smiling pretty hard.”

“You look even worse.”

“Well you look like a dork.”

“And you look horrendously fuckable.”

Everything paused and then Erwin clapped a hand over his mouth.

“Shit. Did I say that one out loud?”

Levi could only marvel at the fact that Christmas seemed to have come over a month early that year. His head was also spinning and it was most definitely not because of low blood sugar.

“Say that again.”

“No way. Get out of my face.”

“Say it again! Again!”

Levi pushed Erwin down and straddled him.

“Again! Again!”

“What are you, five?”

“No. I’m a fully consenting adult, so say it again!”

They were both laughing, and neither could afford to get any more breathless than they already were.

If someone had come to Levi when he’d just woken up from the attack and asked him where he saw himself a couple of days from then, he would not have responded “grinding down on Erwin’s hips while Erwin struggles to throw me off of him.” But that was exactly what was happening.

“Stop it!” Erwin yelped while Levi continued to ride him like a bucking bronco.

“Not until you say it again!”

Maybe it was because they’d both been up throughout the night, or maybe it was because the world was still dark and no one was around to see them, or maybe it was simply because nothing bad had happened in over forty eight hours and that was enough reason to celebrate, but Erwin and Levi couldn’t control the laughter that exploded out of them at that moment.

“You are such...a fucking...dicklicker,” Erwin managed between laughs. He gave Levi a shove and the small man fell right over and hit the sheet with a thud.

“You wish I was.”

“You wish I wished you were.”

“Shut up. I hate your face.”

“You love my face.”

“I don’t.”

“You want to marry it.”

“Only a little.”

Erwin smiled and it was a stupidly contagious thing. They found each other’s fingers and twisted them together, the ends all cold. Erwin was right they were way too old for stuff like this, weren’t they? Would it ever matter?

“When we get back come sleep in my bed,” Levi said after he’d caught his breath.

Erwin squeezed his fingers. “You sure?”

“Yeah. That would be so--i mean, it’s strictly for the healing process, you know. Habituation and all. You’ve gotta desensitize me to touch.”

Erwin rolled his eyes. “When did you get so good at bullshitting?”

“Well I’ve been hanging around Nile a lot.”

“That would do it.”

Something let out a mechanical chirping ring.

Levi had heard the sound before, quite a number of times, but the sound was so unexpected right then that he didn’t recognize the sound of Erwin’s phone until it had rung at least four times and Erwin began to dig around in his pocket.

“Shit. Let me just silence that,” he said, fumbling with fingers stiff with cold.

“It might be important,” Levi said, secretly hoping that Erwin would disagree. It was one thing if he ruined the moment, but god protect anyone else who threatened that moment…

“Well whoever it is can go jump in the lake because i’m not interested in...what. the fuck.”

Erwin had finally gotten the phone out and was staring blankly at the screen.

“What?” Levi demanded, sitting up to take a look.

“A 207 area code,” Erwin said. He sounded like someone had whacked him over the head with a palm tree.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means the call is from Maine,” Erwin said, voice empty as he hit accept and pushed the phone to his ear. “Hello?”

Erwin listened for a moment and Levi watched as his whole body tensed up.

“Yes, this is he.”

All traces of the light happiness that had been in him before vanished as tense sternness took over.

“Yes, I am sitting down. What of it?”

Dread rushed through Levi in one of those sickening swoops. He reached for Erwin, but the man’s face had already changed. For the second time in seconds his face did a complete reversal. Everything that was tense went slack, as the first and only expression--shock--took over.

“What do you mean?”

Erwin’s knuckles were bone white on his phone.

“How can my mother be dead?”

Levi’s hand closed over Erwin’s, but he was pretty sure the man wouldn’t be able to feel it. Just behind them pink and orange stripes of color were just peeking over the horizon. The sun was rising, but there were no eyes for it.

 ****\--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, this is a short chapter, but hey, at least that means you got a quick update, right?  
> Once again I've demonstrated the power of angst after fluff (my most powerful weapon). I'm afraid your break is over. Prepare your souls, readers. This fic is entering phase two and it's going to be an express trip to pain.  
> Not to worry I've made sure to stock up on tissues and chocolate so anyone who's going to need any for the next few chapters should feel free to take some.  
> (But, come on, how cute were Erwin and Levi in this chapter? They DISGUST me with their love. I can't handle them. Rolling around on a blanket like a bunch of teenagers. Someone should stop them. Hint: it's not going to be me.)
> 
> ps. formatting might be a little different because I probably won't be seeing my home computer for a while but I'll try to make sure everything is legible


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to split this chapter in two because i'm sleepy and it would be very hella long otherwise.

Chapter 16:

Levi stared down at his hands. Still no invisible shit. That was good. He was going to need his hands to be as normal as possible for this. He clenched his fingers into tight fists.

Erwin was gone. One moment they were rolling around being gay idiots, and the next he’d run out the door without even a backward glance.

_Well what do you expect? His mother’s dead._

Levi swung his legs over the side of the bed. It was just after 1 am. The night shift was on and that meant the fewest number of staff awake as possible. The perfect time to stage his escape. Would Erwin approve? Probably not. But he also knew that the blonde would probably do what Levi was about to do if their positions were reversed.

_I’m coming, Erwin._

He even knew where he was going, which was pretty surprising. No more moving through life in a daze of confusion. He’d heard the address of the funeral home on the phone as Erwin repeated the words the lawyer said as he wrote it down. He’d already booked the flight on his smartphone. Now all that was left was to get to the airport and fly to Maine. An easy enough task for a regular person, but…

_I’m not even sure I can put my feet on the floor.._

For the thousandth time since he’d woken up from the attack he cursed the smiling Titan. It was the timing that killed him. If this had happened to Erwin four days ago everything would have been fine. Levi wouldn’t be sitting here shaking at the idea of walking down a hallway. Hell, Erwin might even have let him come with him. But no. His body just had to be a useless wreck…

_But I’m going anyway. Even if I have to crawl bleeding and covered in my own vomit I’m going to get there._

He’d had hours and hours to make sure he had the resolve for this. Levi just worried that even if his determination was strong enough, what if his mind fucked up on him again? He hadn’t felt any control during the patient attack. There hadn’t been a possibility of pulling himself out of that while it was happening. What if it happened again and he was just as clueless? His worst nightmare was causing even more trouble for Erwin. He wanted to help, not make it worse.

_My resolve will strengthen my mind. I won’t just be fighting for myself anymore._

He’d pretended to go to sleep earlier in order to put Hanji’s mind to rest, and he’d actually managed to doze off here and there for a few minutes at a time. That was good. He didn’t know when he’d get another chance to sleep again. It was time to act.

Levi looked down at his feet. He was wearing shoes for the first time since he’d come here. They were more awful than he’d remembered. Not because of the germs, (he’d scrubbed them down to within an inch of their lives) but because he was used to his feet being free by now.

Levi took in a deep breath and pushed himself off the bed. His feet hit the floor. And then he was moving. He’d figured the key to getting through this was to not let his momentum stop flowing. He didn’t want the law of inertia working against him.

He pulled on a pair of gloves and began to stuff his pockets with the freshly cleaned items he’d set down on the table in his room: wallet, phone, sanitizer, spare gloves, and the syringe with sedatives that he’d stolen from the med cart when Gunther wasn’t looking. It was the same dosage that had been used during the attack he’d had after Erwin had said he was leaving. He hoped he wouldn’t have to use it, but it was better to be safe than sorry.

He wasn’t taking any luggage with him. More things meant more objects that he had to worry about getting dirty. He had the essentials. If he needed anything he’d buy it. Money, at least, was not one of the problems here.

His pockets were packed. He needed nothing more, and so moved toward the door. But before he exited he had to take one last look back at the room that had been his home for two months now. He had to admit, It had turned into a beautiful home. Covering the walls were “Get well soon” cards that patients and staff had made for him. And there was one, the biggest of all of them, a giant poster that was at least 10 square feet, that just said “GET WELL SOON YOU ENORMOUS GAY.” Reiner had called it a motivational poster when he’d stuck it up on the wall for him. Covering the space around the letters were pictures of all the members of his circle group as well as the staff he’d come to genuinely care for. He loved that poster. He wished he could shrink it and put it in his wallet to take with him.

“You’re the enormous gay, asshole,” Levi muttered, thinking of his giant blonde friend. “I’m just the compact travel sized gay.”

He felt something akin to loneliness pierce his gut. He wished he could say a few goodbyes. There was nothing like terror to make you feel alone. But saying goodbye to anyone would, of course, defeat the purpose of the whole thing. If anyone caught wind that he was leaving he’d be forced to stay, and then Erwin would have to attend his mom’s funeral all by himself, and no one should have to do that.

_Hanji and Nile are both staying because of me. Erwin wouldn’t ask anyone to come with him because he doesn’t want to take away any of that attention._

It was hard, truly and deeply hard, to deal with a person with that level of selflessness.

_It’s borderline unreasonable_ , he thought, and then realized there was nothing borderline about it.

_It doesn’t matter though, because he’s not going to be alone._

With that, he peeked out the door. The med cart was locked and unmanned. That meant one of a few things. One, Erd (the night staff on tonight) was with a patient. Two, he was in the bathroom. Or three, he was restocking something in the supplies cabinet. Either way he probably had enough time to scamper down the hall. Levi went for it, running as quietly as possible despite the shoes he was wearing. He quickly reached the end of the hall and veered around the corner.

_So far so good._

The end was in sight. He just had to dash through the rec room and then through the door. So close he could taste it.

Levi came to the edge of the rec room and peered inside. It was the first time looking at it since the patient attack. It was clean now, no shit in sight. But more importantly, it was empty, and that meant he could run through. Once again he didn’t pause.

_Nothing’s going to stop me, Erwin. Not even the ghosts of shits past._

In a blur of color he was through and racing down the final strip of hallway. It was the same hallway he’d seen Erwin wearing his beautiful blue sweater for the first and last time.

_Maybe I should buy a sweater like that so when I wear it and hug him he won’t be able to feel anything but its softness._

But that was silly. A sweater, no matter how fluffy, couldn’t make your forget your mother was dead. Dead mothers, of course, were not new news to Levi. His had died from labor complications. Something about the placenta. Hanji had explained it to him once, but he hadn’t really absorbed the information. Of course it was one thing to lose a mother you’d never known, and another to lose one you’d had for thirty eight years of your life. Levi couldn’t even imagine what that was like. He wished he’d asked Erwin about his parents. Come to think of it, he thought he _had_ asked a couple of times, but each time he’d managed to get sidetracked before Erwin could give him an answer. Had the man switched the subject? He couldn’t remember. When it came to their discussions they often got sidetracked. It was something you had to get used to when you liked a blonde who liked to tease you for _everything_ that came out of your mouth.

Levi found himself smiling, and quickly got rid of it. He had to focus--not think about how happy talking to Erwin made him. If he turned into a stumbling love zombie he’d never get out of the center. But there were the doors, and Levi was pushing through them, and then a blast of night air hit his face. It seemed colder than it had been the night before, but maybe that was only because he didn’t have a two hundred pound wall of muscle to warm him.

_Don’t stop_ , he urged himself. The outdoors were scary, but staying inside and just worrying about Erwin was worse. He leapt forward to take his first step on outdoor ground, but before his feet could touch concrete something hooked into his shirt and jerked him back.

A hand. More specifically, Hanji’s hand.

“And just where do you think you’re going, lover boy?”

_Damn it!_

Hanji pushed herself off of the center entrance and circled to stand in front of him, hands crossed over her chest.

“Uh...I can explain?”

“Let me guess. You started to get cabin fever and just decided you needed to get a little late night stroll in.”

“Sure. We’ll go with that one.”

Hanji sighed. “You’re not going after him, Levi.”

“I have to.”

“No. You _want_ to.”

“Erwin needs me.”

“More like you want to be needed by Erwin.”

That was a slap in the face, and Hanji knew it because she immediately reached out to Levi, but he flinched back. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d recoiled from her touch like that. Now it looked like Hanji was the one who’d been slapped.

“I’m sorry...that came out wrong.”

“No,” Levi said, not feeling particularly forgiving. “You meant it.”

“I just want you to stay.”

“Well I’m not,” he said, and shouldered past her.

She tried to grab his arm, but he had always been much faster than her. He kept walking. His sudden anger putting a damper on his fear.

“Levi, wait!”

Her tone was pleading, and that’s what made him stop. Hanji was an independent and proud woman. She never pleaded. He partially turned his head to face her.

“What?” he asked, voice rough like the concrete he was standing on.

“I don’t want you to get hurt again.”

He turned all the way around.

“You’re worried I’ll get hurt?”

she nodded.

“Well I’m worried that Erwin will get hurt. And that’s why I have to go. Your obligation stopping me stems from the same reason that I’ve gotta _not_ be _here_ right now.”

He thought that covered it, and was about to try leaving again, when her next words froze him.

“He doesn’t want you there.”

Those were the only words his crippled self esteem needed to hear before shooting off.

_Of course he doesn’t want you there._

It was a thought that had been torturing him the whole day.

_What can you do? You’re an annoying parasyte. You’ll just be extra work for him._

He’d been trying so hard to keep them at bay, but they’d been unleashed in a flood now.

_You’ll have an attack and then he’ll end up taking care of you instead of the other way around. You’ll be a burden. Guys like you will always be burdens to guys like him._

Levi knew he had to fight it. He couldn’t let the thoughts win

“He does,” Levi said. Trying to keep the anger, rather than the doubt, in his voice.

_you’re being delusional. NO ONE wants you._

“He does want me there.”

He had to believe that. It was necessary, or everything they’d experienced together was a lie. He had to believe he was wanted because he would break otherwise. His mind was throwing memories from last night after him. Levi hadn’t been able to let go of Erwin, and it had seemed like the same for the other man. He’d laughed so much...he couldn’t remember ever laughing that long or that strong before. That kind of lightness in his chest and his head...if that all turned out to be the result of something _fake..._ well then he didn’t want to be part of anything anymore.

He’d just have to be strong in his belief, and that’s what he was planning on doing until Hanji gave him a look that was too near pity to ever be acceptable.

“Levi...why do you think none of us went with him? Why do you think even Nanaba stayed behind?”

Levi’s thoughts stopped, and then whirred off in a different direction.

_No one. Not even Nanaba...It’s not because of me. It’s not my fault he didn’t go alone._

“I know what you’re thinking, Levi. That he wanted us to take care of you, and that’s true. He gave everyone very specific warnings that if you weren’t the picture of perfect blossoming health when he came back that he would have all our heads mounted on pikes and displayed throughout the city. But..”

Wasn’t there always a but?

“It wasn’t just that. Erd volunteered to go, and Nanaba insisted that she was going, but Erwin vehemently turned them down.”

Levi began to feel his momentum trickle away.

_If he wouldn’t even accept Nanaba...then what the hell do I think I can do for him? He cares about her far more than for me._

And then Hanji dealt him the finishing blow.

“What do you think is part of the reason I’m standing outside here right now, Levi?”

_No...Don’t tell me._

“He asked me to, Levi. He told me you’d try to escape, that you’d come after him. And he told me…”

He didn’t like the eyes she was looking at him with.

“He told me, for his sake, to do everything I could to stop you.”

Levi’s hands began to shake.

“It’s because he’s trying to protect me,” he growled. “For my sake. That’s why. It’s not because...it’s not…”

He couldn’t even force himself to say the words.

_Because he doesn’t want me there._

Hanji’s eyes now reflected true pity, and it was unbearable.

“No, Levi...I don’t think so.”

He didn’t have to hear this. He _shouldn’t_ have to hear this.

He began to move, but this time he was so distraught that Hanji was able to catch him. She caught him by the arm and yanked him back into the pocket of her body.

“Levi, Listen.”

For the first time in his life those arms felt like traps.

“It’s not you. It’s not because he doesn’t like you.”

_A burden. I’m a BURDEN._

“It’s not, Levi. He likes you very much. Too much. I know it. Everyone knows it.”

_He doesn’t want me. I’m an annoyance. useless._

He struggled in her arms, but Hanji hung on tight. She’d always been able to cling like she had tentacles.

“Levi, _come on._ I’m mostly stopping you because of _you_. I _love_ you, okay? I want you _safe_. I want you by my side _where you belong_. I want you here because I will _always_ want you here. I want you to focus on healing. I want you to focus on yourself.”

Levi hated the stupid scraping lump in his throat.

“Did Erwin tell you to say that stuff too?”

Hanji froze, but her arms didn’t get any looser.

“Levi…”

She nudged his head back so that he was looking up at her. It was a bewildering angle.

“Of _course_ not, Levi. It hurts for you to even say that.”

He knew it would. He would have been pissed the hell off if she’d said that to him, but he’d said it anyway. Maybe because he believed it.

_But this isn’t about me._

He couldn’t let himself get distracted.

_I will not make this about me. Everything until now has been about me._

No one believed that he was doing this for Erwin, but they were about to be proven wrong.

_Erwin may have said he doesn’t want visitors...but people don’t always say what they mean._

Levi grabbed Hanji’s arms, but instead of trying to free himself he spun around to face her.

“Erwin and I are different. He’s kind and charming. He smiles a lot and everyone loves him. He’s capable and powerful and everyone notices him when he walks into a room. But we have something in common. Maybe even more than one something.”

Hanji’s expression was changing, and Levi was just happy to see that the pity was being smothered with surprise.

“I shut myself off when I needed the most help. It wasn’t because I didn’t know I needed help. I was keenly aware of it. It was the shame that stopped me. I couldn’t let anyone else see me that low. I hid the extent of my drinking and germ phobia from you because I didn’t want to see that damn pity in your eyes. And, even more than that, I didn’t want you to see how much the person I was would hurt you.”

Levi pulled Hanji’s arms just loose enough to take a step back. At that distance he could see her the most clearly. She was so beautiful. He always realized at moments like this--moments when he was too distracted to tell her what she meant to him.

“Erwin is ashamed about something. He doesn’t want us to see him at a low point. I don’t know what there is to be ashamed of here. He didn’t cause her death. He hasn’t even seen her in over five years, Erd said. But there’s something there. Something that will hurt us to see. Erwin cares. He cares so much about everything and everyone. There’s something in this situation he knows will hurt us, some part of himself he doesn’t want light to touch. That’s why he’s going alone. And that’s exactly why I have to follow him.”

Hanji didn’t open her mouth. She, more than anyone, had always let him speak. As loud as she was, she knew how to listen when the time was right, and she always recognized those times when they happened.

“Because when it happened to meI wanted someone there. I needed someone there. And then someone came. You sent Moblit to get me. You saved me.”

He realized he was scrunching her lab coat in his hands, but she didn’t seem to mind. She didn’t even seem to be aware of it. Her eyes were glued to his face.

“Needing help isn’t a sign of weakness. That’s what you’ve been trying to pound into my head for so long, and that’s what Erwin’s been telling me since I got here. Being vulnerable in a cruel world. feeling things... It doesn’t make you a coward. Erwin has encouraged me to give myself permission to forgive myself, but I don’t think he’s given that permission to himself.”

Hanji finally opened her mouth. There was the shadow of a smile on her lips.

“So you’re going to give him that permission?”

Levi didn’t care how ridiculous it sounded.

“Yes,” he muttered.

He waited for her to laugh, but Hanji wasn’t very good at doing what was expected of her. She grabbed the front of his sweatshirt, yanked him forward, and kissed him on the mouth.

Levi wasn’t surprised. She’d done it twice before, after all, and each time had been as un-sexual as it was now. He hadn’t found her kisses weird, and had only thought to question them after experiencing others’ reactions. He didn’t know why the world thought that mouth to mouth kisses had to be romantic. They were just intimate, and when Hanji kissed him like that it was always when she was feeling a specific set of emotions: deep love, vulnerability, and a small twist of fear. Levi knew that the fear was for him. She had never demonstrated any functioning level of self preservation, and he didn’t think she was about to start anytime soon.

Levi let Hanji give him that hard fearful kiss because one, her kisses were basically just pure love delivered directly into his soul, and two, because she needed to give it to him.

After a moment she pulled away and pressed her knuckles to his lips. “You better be so fucking careful, or i’m going to come over there and put several fashionable looking holes in your head.”

Levi had long ago stopped questioning the strength of the feelings he had for the dangerously unique woman in front of him. But even if he didn’t question it, he could still marvel.

“Wait. You’re not going to try and stop me?”

“If I stopped you now I’d never forgive myself.”

He hadn’t thought he was confused, but he sure was now.

“But....just a minute ago you said…”

“I needed to ascertain why you were going, what your emotional state was, and whether or not I thought your logic overrode your stupidity.”

“Wait, so you don’t think I’m being stupid?”

“I think you’re being extremely stupid, but at least you’re being stupid for the right reasons.”

Levi hugged her tight, his head cushioned on her shoulder.

“I promise I’ll come back soon.”

“In one piece,” she growled, “And bring that big dumb puppy home with you.”

“You’re letting me go alone?”

“Would you let me come with you?”

That had a rather obvious answer.

“No.”

“Well there ya go.”

He closed his eyes and breathed in her scent. She didn’t smell horrible, no matter what he always said. She smelled like coffee, bar soap and Petra’s perfume. His chest ached and he realized it was because he hadn’t made a purposeful plan to leave her side in over 5 years.

“You going to miss me, little guy?”

“Shut up. I’m only three inches shorter than you.”

“Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”

“There isn’t much you _wouldn’t_ do.”

“Sorry--don’t do anything Petra wouldn’t let me do.”

He smiled, but then the smile cracked. Hanji pushed her forehead down on his. Levi closed his eyes again and let her breath wash over his face. Hanji’s germs had been the first he’d learned to accept after his friends’ deaths.

“Afraid?” Hanji whispered.

“Terrified.” He admitted. She was probably the only one he would have told at that moment. Maybe Erwin too, but he wasn’t here.

Hanji smiled. It was a terribly sad thing, with just the barest hint of pride--pride in the man she’d chosen to be her best friend forever fucking ever. Levi wrapped his arms around her and clung. Hanji pressed her hand to his chest and when she spoke her voice held a tremor.

“This soul is mine. You damage it, I kill you.”

“I don’t remember handing you the rights of ownership.”

“And I don’t remember god granting you the world’s largest asshole, but here we are.”

“My asshole is a perfectly normal size, thank you very much.”

“Only because Erwin finally managed to yank out the stick that’s been lodged up there forever.”

She shook her head.

“Can’t believe he managed to do in two months what I’ve been trying to do for years.”

“Just let me go already.”

“ _You’re_ the one clinging to _me_.”

And so he was. Levi blew out his breath and forced his fists to unclench. He took a wobbly step back. Hanji touched the back of her hand to the side of his face.

“Anything. Anytime. Anywhere. You call me, okay?”

Levi nodded. Words were always useless to him in moments like these. It was actions that counted, and that’s why it was him this time that darted forward and kissed her. It was so fast that even Levi barely felt it, a tiny peck to the side of her mouth, but the way she smiled made it seem that he’d given her everything in the world. Maybe it was because Levi was the largest part of her world.

He wanted to say something, maybe about how much he appreciated her trust, or her ability to let him go. Levi knew that he wouldn’t have been able to do it if they were in opposite positions. After losing two soul siblings he wasn’t stable enough to risk losing Hanji. But Hanji wasn’t Levi, and she was able to see past the fear and danger to reveal what she knew Levi had to do.

So she said nothing more, and he said nothing more, and this time when he turned to take a step into the outside world he didn’t hesitate. His feet hit concrete and then he was running. It was important that he get as far away as quick as possible so that he didn’t feel the tearing as much as he left his heart behind. It was so quiet outside. Maybe that’s why he was still able to hear them, the quiet uneven breaths he knew belonged to her, even as he left the gates of the center behind him and moved into the world beyond.

***

Levi had puked twice and had had one mild panic attack, but otherwise he thought he was doing pretty well. The first time he’d puked had been when he’d had to take off his shoes and walk through the metal detector when he’d entered the airport. Thankfully he’d averted his mouth in time to make sure none of the puke had gotten on him. The second time he’d done it was a different story. It was because of the fat passenger beside him. The man had been eating some of his in-flight meal when he turned to ask Levi for the time, and a blob of sauerkraut had flown from his mouth and landed on Levi’s face. He’d puked, right down his front, and the small panic attack had immediately followed. It  had been made worse when the fat man next to him, as well as one of the flight attendants in the aisle, tried to assist them. When the fat man touched him Levi started gagging again. Thankfully the man had taken his cue and retreated.

It had been hard, more than hard, to calm himself down. It was the first major disaster he’d had to combat alone without the use of alcohol or his friends, but he’d done it. He still wasn’t really sure how. One moment he felt his flesh burning off his bones as the germs burrowed in, and the next he was peeling off his sweatshirt and dealing with the mess. A sort of calm had come over him. Levi had dubbed it his “inner Erwin.” It had been born out of necessity, and of his own doing, but still, he was grateful for it. He’d thrown out his sweatshirt (thankfully _not_ the one that belonged to Erwin) and had scrubbed his face and mouth with Purell. The flight had continued without further incident, and none of the other passengers touched him for the duration of the time remaining.

Now he was in the airport terminal. He’d just gotten through security. He felt like more than a week had passed since he’d left his room at the center.

_How do people do this all the time?_

He didn’t really have time to ponder the question though, because he was now running horribly late. His flight had been delayed for five hours. It had made him furious. The drive would probably have taken just as long at that rate, and he’d seethed all the time that he hadn’t been throwing up or panicking. But this matter too he couldn’t waste time worrying over. He had a funeral to get to.

It was 10:30  am, and he had more than an hour’s cab ride to the cemetery. It was too late to go to the church service. That had already started, maybe already finished, and he’d never make it in time. He was pretty sure it was the one time he’d ever feel panic at missing a church service. Being a gay atheist he was pretty sure they didn’t want him anyway, but it was only one person he’d wanted to give support to.

The ache to be at Erwin’s side grew stronger with every mile he traveled. He was sick with it now, but maybe that was the dehydration. Erwin would probably yell at him when he saw him. That is, if Erwin was in any state to notice anything about him… Levi had tortured himself with every kind of scenario possible. He knew it would be bad, he just prayed that the condition would be reversible.

Levi stepped around a mother with two screaming infants, and headed toward sliding glass doors at the mouth of the airport.

_Let my Erwin be safe…_

Once again he wasn’t sure who he was talking to, and he didn’t care. He wondered when “Erwin” had become “my Erwin.” The answer was probably ridiculously early on in their meeting.

Levi passed through the glass doors, his eyes already looking for a cab. It would be his second time taking a cab in over three years (the first time had been just a few hours ago) and he wasn’t looking forward to it. He had a feeling that even when he healed, he’d never be a fan of strangers’ cars. Too dirty, too unknown.

He spotted a cab from a private taxi service. It was white with green lettering on the side that he didn’t bother to read. The important part was that the back seat was empty. He raised his arm, already running to the curb before it could move toward him. Impatient, he barely managed to wait the few seconds, before yanking at the back door with a gloved hand. He threw himself into the back seat.

“Twin Bridges Cemetery,” he said to the back of the driver’s head.

The head twisted around revealing an older women of perhaps 60 or 70. An unlit cigarette was dangling from her lips.

“Good morning to you too,” she muttered.

Levi internally groaned. Great, a cabbie with an attitude.

_If she makes any more of a stink I’m getting out and trying again._

But he needn’t have worried. The cabbie was already tugging at the wheel to pull the car back into traffic.

“The name’s Muriel, what’s yours?”

Levi glared at her, and when she picked up his knotted brow in the rearview mirror she rolled her eyes.

“There’s nothing wrong with some civility.”

“Erwin Smith,” Levi said. He was sitting on the edge of his seat with his knees pulled tightly together. “That’s the only name you have to know. I need you to take me to him as quickly as possible.”

“That hard to answer a simple question, huh?”

“Just drive faster.”

“Not before you put on that seatbelt, I’m not.”

Levi twisted his neck and glared at the seatbelt. There was no way, not even if the sun was exploding and every germ was burned to a crisp, that he was touching that seatbelt. He didn’t move.

“Put it on,” Muriel said, “Or I’m not going a single mile over thirty mph.”

Touching the seatbelt was unacceptable, but traveling that slowly was even more unacceptable. Carefully, with shaking gloved hands, he reached for the seatbelt.

“If I throw up, that vomit is on your conscience, Lady,” he said squeezing a blob from one of his pocket sized sanitizers onto the strap of the seatbelt.

“Motion sickness?”

“Germ sickness.”

“I always get the weirdoes…”

Levi looked up just in time to see Muriel roll her eyes again in the reflection of the rearview mirror, and he was surprisingly unbothered by it, refreshed, even. It wasn’t often that he got such an honest reaction to his shenanigans. Most people reacted with long stares and behind his back whispers, but Muriel's eyes went right back to the road.

“So who’s this Erwin guy? A friend of yours?”

The word friend was such a small word, only one syllable. It seemed far too small to encompass what the blonde meant to him.

“He is...Erwin is precious to me. I need to get to him as soon as I can. His suffering is my suffering.”

There was silence for a few moments and then there was a noticeable increase in speed. Levi decided that Muriel was his kind of person after all.

“I hope you know that as a general rule I never take a passenger for a ride that’s over an hour long.”

Levi had been worried that might be a problem.

“I’ll pay you whatever rate you want. Don’t worry about being compensated.”

“That’s not what I meant. Now put that seatbelt in already, it’s clean enough.”

Levi, who had been polishing the buckle with some antibacterial wipes, gave it a few more good rubs before finally clicking it into place. He took a deep breath, preparing the words that were so much more difficult to say to people he didn’t love.

“Thank you. I appreciate your kindness.”

Muriel let out a bark of laughter, roughened from years of smoking.

“Don’t hurt yourself over there, little thing. No need to be ingratiating.”

Another several moments of silence. Muriel cracked the window open and chucked the unlit cigarette out the window. Levi had a feeling it had only remained unlit for his sake.

“It’s going to be over two hours,” Muriel said, voice low with warning. “Can your Erwin fellow handle that?”

“ _What_?”

“There’s a parade in the town you’re headed in today. I heard it on the news. All the roads will be a mess and all the important ones will be blocked off.”

“No. I can’t...I’m already so late.”

“Sorry, kid.”

Levi gripped his own arms tightly with both hands. It wasn’t like he could touch anything else.

“No. No the plane delay, and all the vomit...I have to get there. I have to get there in time to be useful.”

“In time for what?”

But Levi was already dropping down into the horrors his mind was producing.

_What will he do? How will he react? Will he stay to see the dirt cover the casket?_

Levi was afraid it would be worse than that.

_What if he can’t even go to the service? What if he returns to some random motel room where I can’t find him? What if I can’t see him and he’s left all alone._

But there were still worse possibilities. And he knew there always would be.

_But what if...what if he’s so upset that he…_

It was hard to even think the words, to think of regression for the person who had been the pillar of his strength.

_What if he goes for it, his crutch, the vice we both share. What if he drowns it in alcohol? What if, because of my absence, he finds himself a new support, a liquid one, to hold him up? What if it’s a downward spiral from there? What if all the progress ends? What if he winds up back in the center? What if everything is destroyed just because I couldn’t drag my ass down there fast enough?_

“Kid…? Are you all right?”

Levi didn’t even hear the question.

_All my fault. Erwin would have found a way to be there for me faster. What if he was counting on me to be there for him and when I failed it was the last straw that made him turn to drink?_

“Kid?”

_What if he’s passed out in his own vomit like I was? Moblit isn’t here to drag him to the center. I need to be that person. I need to find him. How will I find him? I’ve never been to this fucking state. I know nothing. No one. There’s no one to help me find him._

_“Hey!”_

_What if he aspirates on his vomit? What if right now, at this very moment, Erwin is taking his last rattling breath? What if Erwin is already dead?_

That thought was too horrifying to contemplate. Nothing could have prepared him for the image that blossomed in his mind. A vomit slicked Erwin, pale as death, with open glassy eyes staring at nothing, eyes that would never see again.

_No. Please no. Anything but that. It can’t be. I would feel it, right? If he was gone, if he was in danger? My heart would react, wouldn’t it? If not then what’s the point in falling in love if it can’t even help us protect those we belong to?_

The car jerked to the shoulder of the road and that, more than any yelling, jerked Levi to attention.

“No! Why are you stopping? You can’t stop! Erwin--”

“You’re scaring the shit out of me, kid. Is this thing you’re involved in something illegal?”

“What? Of course not. Just drive already.”

“Is it drugs? You’re sort of acting like you’re in drugs.”

“It’s a funeral! His goddamn mother’s funeral, hence the fucking cemetery I asked you to drive to.”

“Oh. I thought it was just a private spot for a drug rendezvous.”

“Why would I come to this barren wasteland just for some fucking drugs?”

“Well you came all the way out here for Erwin…”

Levi gnashed his teeth together, but didn’t say anything else. He didn’t have to. She was already driving again, and that was all that really mattered. They didn’t talk again. Muriel could see how much she’d set Levi on edge with just a few words, and didn’t try again. Every few minutes Levi’s mind would plummet back into dangerous territory, but he’d eventually manage to drag himself back out, if only to check on the scenery to see how much closer they were getting. Of course when he _did_ look out the window the scenery meant nothing to him, he couldn’t tell if he was getting closer or farther away. He had to do something he hated: trust a stranger to help him.

Highway became road and road became streets and after almost two and a half hours Levi had had enough. They’d come to a standstill with cars blaring their horns at some asshole who had double parked in the narrow street. That was it. Levi’s nerves were too high strung to handle that. He pulled out his wallet and dropped a several hundred dollar bills on the front seat.

“Wait! There’s still over a mile left!”

Levi had already pushed the door open and jumped out.

“And this is too much money! Get back here!”

But going back was the last thing Levi was going to do. He ran up the street, and, when he got to the police barrier, vaulted over it with the aid of one gloved hand. He’d already googled directions on his phone when they’d hit town. He could be there in 8 minutes if he ran, and he was definitely running.

It was too crowded, of course, and Levi brushed against way too many people. His head was swimming with germs, and that was not the feeling you wanted when you were trying to go as fast as possible, but as he neared the edge of town the crowd began to thin and he was able to take more air into his lungs as his feet pounded out an urgent rhythm into the concrete.

_Please still be there. Please let the ceremony still be happening. Please._

He shoved through the cemetery gate, not even looking to see it the name “Twin Bridges” was stuck to the top of it. He plowed on past surprised visitors as his eyes scanned the area for a hint of blonde. His breathing was ragged but it was less to do with his sprinting than the crushing fear that it was all too late.

He passed someone digging a grave, screeched to a halt and doubled back. His desperate eyes scanned the tombstone. Alexander Plestiev. Definitely not who he was looking for.

“Smith. Was there a Smith buried here today?” he burst out, startling the gravedigger into dropping his shovel. The man picked it back up and addressed Levi. He had a long smear of dirt across his jaw.

“Yeah, me and Louis just finished over there.”

He pointed somewhere over to the distant left.

“In quadrant E. The row with the giant stone falcon. You can’t miss it.”

Levi would later be ashamed to remember that he hadn’t said thank you as he sprinted off in the direction the man was pointing.

_They already finished. I’m too late._

He clenched his tight germ coated fists.

_All that and I’m too fucking late._

But his thoughts didn’t slow his legs, he ran down the small dirt path as he passed rows and rows of tombstones, some so old that the engravings were nearly smoothed over by weather and time. And then he saw it. A stone grey falcon with mouth fiercely open as it spread large wings over a monolith with the words “Mors ultima linea rerum est.” Levi’s heart juddered when he saw it. He had no idea what the words meant, Latin, as a language, was just as dead as the man lying in the ground beneath the words, but he didn’t like it. He made a sharp turn and bounded up onto the grass to traverse the narrow aisle of graves. Only he didn’t get very far. His eyes, which had been focused far ahead of him, spotted something far before his feet did. A man. Just one. Tall, beautiful, and stooped with the burden of something invisible. It was Erwin, and he had his hand resting on a tombstone.

His side profile was a beautiful thing, Levi knew. He was dressed in a suit. Levi had never seen him in a suit before. And this was a beautiful suit. It was dark, navy, it looked like, and it looked like it had been crafted for Erwin’s body. Even at a time like this where everything was racing and time and sadness he could still appreciate Erwin’s beauty a little. But far more than that was the pain and guilt in the man’s face. Levi expected himself to falter then. What could he really do for the man, after all? But even if his mind didn’t hold the right words, his hand decided to act. He kept going, crossing the distance between them until there was only about a hundred feet between them, his footsteps, now slow and muffled by the grass, stopping completely. His hand went into his pocket and withdrew his phone. He had one final test.

He might have sounded confident to Hanji when he spoke about what Erwin needed, but in the privacy of his own mind Levi’s doubts had steadily grown. It was presumptuous to assume he knew what Erwin was thinking. Levi realized that he could have been projecting his feelings onto Erwin, that just because he had secretly wanted support in his own downward spiral of shame he had assumed Erwin had been the same. So he had to check, at least once, that Erwin did want him here. That his presence wasn’t going to be a further burden. And so levi lifted his phone to his face and hit the contact number that Erwin had given him to use in case of an emergency right before he’d left. Levi had saved the number he’d been given under the name “My Shield.” It was funny…he was using the number for the first time, but he was hoping for the reverse to happen. Somehow he wanted to shed his vulnerability and replace it with armor, for Erwin. He wanted to take a stab at being a shield himself.

Levi pushed the phone to his ear. After a second of searching for a connection, his phone threw the call out into space, and Erwin’s phone began to ring.

Levi was surprised it wasn’t on vibrate, but then again the blonde had probably just forgotten to put it on silent for the service. And as the ringer went off Levi smiled. It was a tiny smile. It barely creased his lips, but it was there, and it was because Erwin, no matter what, was a giant dork.

Levi had heard Erwin’s ringtone before. Many times, in fact, over the time they’d spent together. But he always loved it, and he hoped Erwin didn’t change it anytime soon. He hadn’t been there when the ringtone had been recorded. He’d heard the story about a week after he’d arrived. Apparently the patients at the center had had Armin nick Erwin’s phone from his pocket while Christa created a distraction in the form of lighting one of the laundry hampers on fire. Then they’d all recorded a special ring tone that consisted of all of them shouting, in no particular rhythm “Pick up your phone! Pick it up old man! It might be important! It might be one of us!”

Of course Eren’s voice in the recording was the loudest, and Levi couldn’t even hear Armin’s amid the cacophony of voices, but he knew it was there. They were all there, and he was pretty sure that’s what gave Erwin the strength to let go of the tombstone, reach into his suit pocket, and pulled out his phone. But when he glanced at the name across the screen, Erwin’s arm froze. The phone continued to ring.

And Levi, rather than experiencing a moment of panic, felt only calm, because at least he knew.

_Okay. Erwin doesn’t want me here. He wants to be alone. I was wrong._

Erwin continued to look at the phone. In levi’s ear the fourth ring echoed.

_I just have to turn around. I’ll call Hanji first. Maybe get a bottle of water first. I can do this. I can make it back in one piece._

A kind of wonder was spreading through him. It was a result of finding out that his worries were unfounded. He’d done this for Erwin, not himself. It was also because of his continued strength. He had traveled on place, car, and road and he knew he’d still manage, somehow, to make the whole journey home on his own. Knowing that was empowering, regardless of what was wanted of him right now.

_It’s okay Erwin._ _I won’t blame you for your choice. You can put the phone down._

But Erwin didn’t put the phone down. Just as the fifth and last ring went off in Levi’s ear, Erwin pressed accept and lifted the phone to his ear. Levi watched the man’s lips move, he knew the shape of that movement, and heard the result in his own ear.

“ _Levi.”_

Erwin’s voice was rough, almost a rasp, and deeper than it usually was.

Levi’s calm began to shake and unravel. He was being called into duty. There was no turning back now. And he had to find some words to say, quick. Erwin was counting on him. Erwin had answered the phone. He wanted to hear Levi’s voice, or maybe he just wanted him to listen, but either way Levi knew his next words had to show the blonde that he was available to him—that every part of him was.

“I didn’t listen, and I didn’t ask first, and who the fuck knows what kind of shit I’m covered in at this point, but can I give you some kind of gay ass hug anyway?”

Erwin said nothing. Levi watched the man’s mouth drop open. And then slowly, almost as if everything was moving through water, Erwin turned his head. And Levi knew he’d been spotted when the man’s eyes rounded out like silver coins.

Erwin let go of the tombstone.

“You didn’t…”

Those were the last words Levi heard before the phone slipped from Erwin’s hand and hit the grass.

\---

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look! Levi being strong all by himself! Look at him! Look at my baby. Look at how hard he's working. Look *starts crying* just look.  
> I'm falling asleep but decided to post this before I conk out. Next update should be very soon so please don't worry on that front.  
> Also can I talk about Hanji? I love Hanji. I worship her. I only wish I could write her better.  
> I'm afraid the upcoming chapters are just going to get gayer and gayer. Be careful not to trip or you'll fall facefirst into the cheesy eruri hellhole I've trapped myself in.


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17:

Erwin’s phone wasn’t the only thing that hit the grass. Erwin’s feet churned the freshly turned earth beside him as he moved toward Levi. But Levi was faster. He was faster than anyone else he’d ever met yet, and Erwin was no exception. He dashed forward, his appearance and worry and fatigue forgotten as he collided with Erwin’s chest, face first, in a totally ungraceful, unapologetic and unbecoming way.

And then Erwin’s arms were there. They wrapped Levi up and crunched him into himself until the journey to Maine was erased and covered over with the smell of Erwin.

“You’re here.”

The words came out as a croak, so Erwin tried again.

“How are you here?”

“I followed the scent of dorky old geezer,” Levi said into Erwin’s chest.

That was enough of an explanation in Levi’s book. He wanted to concentrate on more important things now, like how much of Erwin he could hold in his not-large-enough-for-the-task hands, but Erwin had other ideas. He wrenched Levi back as dawning awareness of the situation came to him.

“Levi Ackerman. What the _fuck_ are you doing here?”

Levi wasn’t quite sure how Erwin meant the question, so he went for his standard response for confusing questions: sarcasm.

“Oh, you know, just seeing the sights. I hear Maine is lovely this time of year.”

It was, in fact, miserable this time of year. Levi was freezing. His fingers were stiff with beginning-of-December cold and he could only imagine how cold Erwin had gotten standing around in a cemetery in nothing but a suit.

“Levi.”

There was a hint of anger in Erwin’s voice. That was good. Anger was much better than guilt or grief.

“Hey, before you start, I didn’t have a single attack. Well, not one I had to medicate myself for anyway.”

“Don’t…”

Erwin’s face was beginning to grow tight.

“And yes, Hanji knows. She told me all about your little attempt to persuade her to keep me at the center. Asshole.”

“You’re just sticking your feet in your mouth. One after the other.”

“Well with _that_ attitude I’m not telling you about the sauerkraut incident.”

“You’re definitely telling me about the sauerkraut incident.”

“Nope. Apparently my mouth has too many feet in it to talk.”

“Levi, so help me…”

“I was _safe._ I promise. Look. I’m wearing shoes and everything.”

Erwin did look. Levi wiggled his toes in his loafers. Erwin was stiff for one more second and then he crushed Levi back to his chest.

“You shouldn’t have. You shouldn’t have come. You shouldn’t have risked it. I know you must have hurt yourself. I know you must be terrified and hungry and dehydrated and feeling filthy. I know all that. I know I’m being irresponsible.”

And then they were there. The words Levi hadn’t allowed himself to hope for.

“But I’m so goddamn happy that you’re here.”

Levi wrapped his arms around Erwin, scrunching up the material of the perfect suit.

“I exist to please.”

“Cut the blasé crap and let me see the real you.”

Levi smiled. Why was it that even though he’d come to calm Erwin the exact opposite was happening yet again? Levi lifted his hands as Erwin pulled back and let the other man see the tremor in them.

“Okay, so maybe I’m a little bit of a wreck.”

Erwin pulled Levi’s face forward, eyes closed and let their foreheads rest together for a moment as if to say _“but you’re my wreck_.”

When Erwin released Levi, his hands might have still been shaking, but he knew it would stop soon. It always did around Erwin.

“Come,” Erwin said and pulled Levi into his side like you would pull someone under shelter if it was storming. “Let’s get you cleaned up and fed. You’ve vomited recently, haven’t you?”

Levi felt a beat of horror. He’d been so careful to try and clean himself up. He’d gargled so much mouthwash. Had he really just greeted Erwin with vomit breath?

Erwin had his hand over one of Levi’s forearms, and he brushed his fingers across it. “You’re exceedingly pale, unsteady on your feet, and I know you had to take your shoes off at the airport. It’s a lucky guess, don’t worry.”

Erwin was getting far too good at reading his mind in Levi’s opinion.

Erwin began to pick his way down the narrow aisle of grass Levi had only just raced up. He pulled Levi along with him, supporting him so that Levi felt he was almost floating.

“Thankfully I rented a car. I wasn’t going to at first but I passed one of the rental places coming off the plane and just went for it,” Erwin said. “I’m afraid I haven’t cleaned it though. I’ll scrub down a seat for you. I’m sure there’s a convenience store around here somewhere that stocks basic cleaning materials.”

Levi dug his feet into the ground, stopping Erwin.

“Wait.”

None of this made sense and it wasn’t going like he thought it would in his head. Erwin stopped and looked toward Levi.

“Do you want me to carry you?”

The question was so unexpected that Levi just stared.

“Is it too much?” Erwin explained. “The germs. We could chuck your shoes somewhere if they’re bothering you. I won’t set you down anywhere if you don’t want me too.”

Nope. All wrong. How had this all become about himself when Levi had been trying so hard to do the opposite?”

“No. Stop. This isn’t about _me_. You’re supposed to be grieving. I’m supposed to be taking care of you.”

Erwin’s face softened at Levi’s earnest confusion. His hand found Levi’s hair. Levi always and forever wanted Erwin’s hand to find his hair. He leaned up into the hand and let out a soft sigh.

“You like it when I do this?” Erwin asked, pushing his hand through the strands and tangling his fingers.

Instead of answering, which would have been embarrassing, Levi lifted Erwin’s other hand and pushed it into his hair as well. Erwin laughed, a surprised yet genuine sound, and pulled Levi close without removing his hands. Levi let his head fall to the blonde’s shoulder and waited. He knew an explanation was coming. There were several more moments of perfect hair bliss.

“Levi.”

Levi shivered. His scalp tingled. Every germ was worth it.

“You _are_ taking care of me.”

Levi couldn’t really see how. He waited a little longer.

“I told myself I’d sit here and feel miserable alone. It was my duty, for whatever reason, to let my mom’s shame fester in me for some requisite amount of time, I don’t know how much. But now you’re here and everything is so much lighter.”

“But you’re taking care of me.”

“Of course I am. I want to. Of course I want to. Who wouldn’t want to?”

Erwin slid one of his hands out of Levi’s hair so he could brush the side of his face. “To take care of you is a blessing. Is there really any better feeling than doing something for someone you care for? It’s not just that it’s a distraction, though it is that too, I suppose.

_Stop. Don’t. You’re not supposed to be doing stuff like this. Dumb gay embarrassing stuff that makes my chest all tight and horrible._

Erwin had understanding swimming in his eyes.

“I’m doing it all wrong, aren’t I? I’m sorry, Levi. You can still have your knight in shining armor moment. You’re a very handsome knight.”

Being handsome wasn’t the point. They were standing in a _cemetery_.

“Aren’t you supposed to be grieving?” Levi muttered.

He knew he was being a hypocrite, because even though he was questioning the situation he hadn’t taken a single step away from it. He was still leaning into his touch.

“I am, I think,” Erwin said. The second hand had fallen from Levi’s hair and was now secure around his waist. Levi was so happy to be held again. “It feels like I am. But my parents are dead and you are alive. Live people are more important than dead ones. You have immediate needs. They don’t. They’re underground and you need some food and rest. I do too. I think that’s enough reason to go.”

Erwin made valid points, but Levi couldn’t let go of the issue completely. He felt like he was creating problems where there was none. He should be happy if it seemed that Erwin was managing, right? But something was out of place. Erwin’s back had been so heavy before, his face lined with guilt, and he’d spoken about his mother’s shame.

“Okay…” Levi said. He touched Erwin’s chest and laid his palms flat against it. He made sure to look Erwin directly in the eye. “Can I pay my respects first?”

Erwin’s eyes darkened. A bad sign.

“Why? You’re an atheist, right? Those bodies are just vessels now.”

Definitely stormy. Erwin was upset, but for some reason that only made Levi gentler. Carefully his fingers pushed away the suit jacket and smoothed across the shirt beneath.

“They’re more than bodies to you, right? Your mother’s body birthed you. That’s how I can be touching and talking to you and stuff. I have a lot to be thankful for. I can pay respects to a body like that.”

He was trying to curb his natural instinct for brusqueness in an attempt to say things he meant, and while it looked like Erwin appreciated him, his eyes were only getting stormier.

“She doesn’t deserve it. Not when I know how she’d treat you if she were alive. You’re here, and I know you’re here for me, but since we’re standing here, so close to her body…I don’t want you to put your time or appreciation into her. As impossible and ridiculous as it sounds, I don’t want to risk letting her hurt you.”

Levi’s fingers stopped smoothing fabric. The words he’d just heard had shocked him into silence.

Erwin felt Levi go stiff, and sighed.

“I know how assholish that sounded. I’m sorry. You didn’t come here for this.”

“I came here for you,” Levi said, ungluing his tongue.

“Yes, but—“

“I didn’t come with a certain set of conditions in mind. So whatever feelings you have toward your mother or this place or yourself—I’m here for any of it, all of it, whatever you want…”

How did people do this? Speak like this? But it wasn’t just the embarrassing quality to the words, Levi wanted to make sure they didn’t come out sounding fake.

Erwin picked up one of the hands on his chest and looked at it for a moment. His fingers smoothed over the creases in Levi’s palm and then he raised the hand to his mouth and kissed it. “It was worth it. All of it.”

He lowered the hand, but didn’t let go. Instead he linked their fingers together and tugged lightly at Levi, urging them forward. Once again they began to make their way out of the cemetery, and this time Levi led him lead. He wasn’t going to let the confusion in his mind stop him from being present in the moment, but neither was he going to let it go without at least a passing comment.

“What was worth it?”

Erwin was facing forward instead of looking at him, and that allowed Levi to stare at the man’s face with less embarrassment. As he watched he saw some of the storminess in Erwin’s eyes lighten. It might have been in his head, but Levi thought he felt the tension in Erwin’s shoulders ease a bit.

“Leaving this place, leaving my home. It was all worth meeting you.”

Levi couldn’t let go of Erwin’s hand. It would have physically hurt him too much to do so, so he had to make due with only covering his blotchy red face, steaming with embarrassment, with a single hand.

He heard Erwin’s laugh but that only made it worse.

“Someone should seriously…You shouldn’t be allowed to talk, you know that?” Levi spluttered. “In fact every part of you should be made illegal. You are _trash_.”

“Hey, if it makes you feel any better, I’m experiencing the backlash of that embarrassment as well. It’s a good thing you’re covering your face, or I’d be covering mine.”

“Good! Cover it! I don’t want to see it. I don’t want to look at you for the rest of my life.”

Erwin’s hand began to tug at Levi’s wrist. “No! Don’t say that! You’ll crush my soul.”

“Your soul deserves to be crushed.”

“You’re such a poophead.”

Levi was so surprised that he allowed Erwin to tug his hand free from his face.

“I’m a _what_?”

“Ha! I knew that would work!”

Levi only needed one second to realize the extent of the betrayal.And then he began smacking every bit of Erwin he could reach. “You. Complete. Asshole,” he grunted, punctuating each word with a smack.” Can’t. Believe. Was. Worried. For. Your stupid. Ass.”

Erwin didn’t even bother ducking out of the way, instead he took the smacks stoically until he grabbed Levi’s wrists.

“You really want to be able to comfort me, huh?”

Erwin’s eyes weren’t as light anymore. There was sadness there. And that’s why Levi didn’t bother with a joke-y answer. He nodded.

Erwin reached into his pocket, the other one this time, and pulled out a balled up sheet of paper. It was nice paper--made of linen. The heavy duty kind that just reeked of lawyer involvement. He held the paper out. Levi looked at it, then at Erwin’s face, looking for hints of its contents, but Erwin’s face was smooth. Levi took the paper in his gloved hands and began to smooth it out. Intimidating legal scrawl jumped out at him, but what caught his eyes were the words “Last Will and Testament” as well as the name “Dorothy Smith.”

Levi’s eyes shot back to Erwin, who once again wasn’t looking at him. Instead he was looking off in the distance back toward the stone falcon Levi had passed. He was really starting to dislike that falcon. It was too feral for a place like this. Mourners didn’t need to be made to feel even more vulnerable.

He wasn’t sure why Erwin wasn’t looking at him, but he had a feeling it was because Erwin knew he wouldn’t be able to keep his smooth expression otherwise.

“You don’t have to read the whole thing,” Erwin said, his voice too breezy to be natural. “The fourth paragraph should do it.”

Levi looked back down at the paper and followed directions. He didn’t need to read the whole paragraph. The sentence he was supposed to find jumped right out at him.

**_And to the mistake all I leave is my everlasting regret._ **

Everything went cold and silent. Even the leaves lying on the ground seemed to stop their rustling for a moment.

_Impossible. She can’t possibly be referring to…_

He raised his eyes once more and found Erwin watching him. Waiting. The smooth expression gone. All that was left was naked pain.

“Are you…”

“The mistake?” Erwin asked. “Yup. Have been for more than twenty years.”

Levi wanted to burn the paper, to shred it and stuff it somewhere it could never be read again. But he wasn’t sure if that was allowed. He couldn’t offer it to Erwin. The paper was poison. So instead he let it fall to the floor. Erwin didn’t even glance at it. He guessed it wasn’t important anymore.

It was Levi’s turn to grasp Erwin’s hand. He gave it a squeeze. His eyes never left Erwin’s face.

“You want to hear the story?” Erwin asked.

Levi nodded. A little of the pain was replaced by affection.

“Okay.”

Erwin released Levi’s hand but only long enough to walk back to the grave. Levi followed him and watched as the blonde bent down and retrieved his phone. It was then that Levi realized something. He was standing in front of a pair of graves. One tombstone was behind freshly tilled earth. That was the one that read “Dorothy Smith.” But it was the second one that interested Levi. That was the one Erwin had dropped his phone in front of. It was the one he’d been holding when Levi showed up. The name on the tombstone, right beside his mother’s, said “Leopold Smith.” The date of death was six years ago.

Erd’s words flashed back to him. It had been more than five years since Erwin had gone home, he’d said. It looked like Levi had just found out why.

Erwin stood up and pocketed his phone, but he didn’t move. His eyes remained on the pair of tombstones. Levi picked his way over to him and placed his hand on the small of Erwin’s back. Worry for the man threaded through every one of his muscles. The quieter Erwin was the more Levi’s heart thudded for him. It was only a few moments, but it felt like forever to Levi. Finally Erwin glanced back down at him. He held out his hand.

Levi took a deep breath and then he peeled off one of his gloves and let it drop to the floor. He’d worry about the litter a different day. Now he left the glove there and took Erwin’s hand in his bare one. The gesture made Erwin crack a smile.

“You are so important to me,” Erwin said.

Sound returned to the graveyard. Levi heard a crow caw. His chest felt warm despite the cold. He linked his fingers a little more tightly with Erwin’s.

“Grief brings out the romantic in you, huh?”

“I’m not saying it because we’re surrounded by tombstones, Levi.”

Levi knew that. He was just terrible at accepting kind words. But Erwin knew that. They knew a whole lot about each other in that moment.

This time when they started walking they did it together. The wind picked up in a sudden gush causing Erwin’s suit to blow open and Levi to shudder. Erwin immediately began to shrug out of his jacket, but Levi smacked him.

“Don’t you dare. You’re wearing less than I am.”

But of course that didn’t stop Erwin.

“Nonsense. My height will keep me warm.”

He peeled off his jacket, draped it over Levi’s shoulders, and wouldn’t budge until Levi had pushed his arms through the sleeves. Satisfied, Erwin continued walking.

“That’s not how height works, dickbutt.”

“You wouldn’t know, now would you?”

“No midget jokes!”

“My mom died. I have a free pass for offensive jokes now for the rest of my life.”

“Only you would capitalize on your orphan status.”

“When life gives you lemons…”

They came to the stone falcon and turned onto the main path. Levi had taken a couple of walks with Erwin on the Center grounds, but this was the first time he’d walked with him without the grey walls of the Center looming in the background. Also he wasn’t wearing hospital booties this time. It was nice.

“The reason your story hurt so much...you know, with your dad. Obviously your story was a thousand times worse. I was never trapped in a dumpster. But I _was_ sent to conversion camp. That was fun.”

“Is that where they try to beat the gay out of you?” Levi asked.

“Pretty much. Starvation, solitary confinement, and verbal, physical and sexual abuse were all common there. My first night men with masks tied me up and dragged me outside. They stripped me naked, tied me to the flagpole and raped me with a broom handle while they shouted bible verses at me. You ever try picking splinters out of your asshole? It isn’t pretty.”

Levi felt like his skull had been smashed against one of the many surrounding tombstones. Dizzy and hurt he clung to Erwin, but he had no idea what to say.

“That’s...that’s fucking…”

He couldn’t finish the sentence because he didn’t have words. Instead his grip became so tight it would probably take a crowbar wielded by a good sized muscleman to pry him loose.

“I’m not telling you this to upset you, like you need to hear any more stories like these after what you’ve gone through, and what you still are going through...I’m telling you so you understand. I...I didn’t mean to be a bad son, and I don’t think I was--”

“Don’t!”

Sudden urgency tore through Levi and made him yank sharply at Erwin’s arm.

“Don’t ever let yourself travel down that road. The guilt you’re feeling. None of it belongs to you. They should bear it. Forever. It’s their stain. Their shame. They...any parent who would do that to their son…”

“But my dad didn’t know about the camp--”

“Fuck your dad! He should have known. He should have made it his business to know.”

Levi knew he was probably supposed to be listening now. Erwin was telling his story, and Levi wanted to hear it, but ripping that guilt away was more important. Levi had felt similar guilt for far too long and he knew just how damaging it was. His status as a patient at the center proved that.

Some people might have gotten angry at Levi’s outburst. Not Erwin.

“You can say that without knowing the story?”

Levi didn’t take back his words.

“Hanji taught me that if you love someone you make it your business to care from them always. There’s no excuses when it comes to protecting someone.”

“Hanji’s right about a lot of things.”

“That’s because she’s a goddamn genius,” Levi said with pride, but he was getting off track. “You said you left your home, I’d bet all my money that your leaving wasn’t voluntary. You got thrown out, right? Your dad didn’t stop that. My gut’s telling me he let your mom do whatever she wanted. And here’s something else Hanji taught me. Staying silent while abuse happens is abuse in itself. You have to be loud. You have to take a stand when shit like conversion camp happens. Your dad didn’t do a fucking thing, did he? And even if he did, he obviously didn’t do enough, so fuck your dad, fuck your mom, and fuck anyone who’s ever hurt you.”

Levi was shaking.

_Why do these things happen? Why the fuck would anyone care how anyone has sex or who anyone loves? Why do so many monsters exist in this world? And for shit’s sake, why did he have to be a victim too?_

Levi wanted Erwin to touch his hair again. He wanted comfort even though this wasn’t even his story. He could only imagine Erwin’s suffering. It wasn’t possible to equate one pain with another. Whether it was a locked dumpster or broom rape--who could say which was worse? Who would dare to try?

“How old were you?” Levi asked. His voice was scratchy.

“For conversion camp or when I was thrown out?”

 _So he_ was _thrown out._

“Both.”

Erwin blew his cheeks out. “Conversion camp when I was 14 and kicked out two years later when she caught me with my first boyfriend. I remember my mom’s face when it happened and I could see her trying to remember exactly how much money she’d wasted on a camp that obviously hadn’t worked.”

They had started walking again. Levi hadn’t realized it, but when they came up to the cemetery gates he realized his feet were moving. Erwin gently nudged Levi to the left and they began to walk down the street. They stopped near a silver sedan and Erwin pulled out a small car remote.

“Which is worse?” he asked, “Sitting in the car and waiting for me to buy the things I need to detox this car and the motel room, or coming with me and having to deal with germy stores and people?”

“I’m not leaving your side.”

The fact that Erwin’s face didn’t change much with the response taught Levi that the blonde had been expecting the response. Erwin pocketed the car remote again and took Levi’s bare hand.

“We should pick up a coat for you as well” Erwin said. “Oh and maybe one of those cute beanie hats. You’d look adorable in one of those.”

They were walking again. Levi let Erwin guide their steps. He was feeling oddly at peace. Maybe overexposure to germs could do that to you.

“Not on your life.”

“Oh come on. It’s cold out.”

“I’d rather my ears get frostbite and fall off.”

“Has anyone ever called you stubborn?”

“Has anyone ever called _you_ pushy?”

“No. Mostly they’re blinded by how handsome I am.”

“I seriously can’t stand you.”

“Like I’ll believe _that_ ever again. You came to _Maine_ for me.”

“Shut up.”

“ _Maine_.”

“I’m going to kick you in the butt.”

“Tell me that you at least rode first class.”

Levi scowled, temporary peace put on hold. “All the first class seats were booked.”

“Why it was a flight to _Maine_.”

“Yes, you’ve made it quite clear exactly which state we’re in.”

“So you had the sauerkraut incident in third class seats?”

“We are _not_ discussing the incident.”

“Well then what are we discussing?”

“Why your mom has such a huge problem with homosexuals.”

“She was Christian.”

“Don’t give me that crap. Petra’s parents are die hard Christians too and the only time they get insulted is when Petra, Hanji, and I don’t come to eat for the holidays.”

“Okay, but whatever brand of Christianity she’d forged for herself believed that gays were the root of all evil in this world. That every natural disaster, every illness was because around the world there were some people stuffing their Viennese sausages up each other’s poop chutes.”

Levi, in spite of himself, was impressed.

“So…the power of gay butt sex?”

“The most powerful evil force in the world according to her.”

“You say that like it’s a bad thing.”

“You want to take over the world with your butt, don’t you?”

“Don’t say it in that tone. I’m allowed to dream too, you know.”

Erwin laughed, and that, of course, had been the reason Levi had said what he had in the first place.

_Was this what I wanted to do for him? Lighten his load?_

But Levi felt like that was giving himself too much credit. He was just behaving as he always did with Erwin. He wasn’t doing anything special, and _worse_ he was enjoying himself far too much. That had to stop. He immediately tried to fix his face into a more mournful expression. It didn’t work very well.

“Uh…don’t take this the wrong way, Levi. I still think you’re inordinately handsome, but why do you suddenly look acutely constipated?”

Levi rolled his eyes. There was no helping it…he’d just have to continue selfishly enjoying Erwin’s company. Their arms were linked already, but as they waited at the traffic light Levi let his head lean against Erwin’s arm. He anticipated the blonde’s reaction, so when Erwin glanced down at him, eyes startled, Levi only greeted him with a lazy smirk.

“What?”

Erwin did something Levi had never thought he’d really see. He blushed.

“Nothing.”

Levi, of course, was delighted.

“Nothing, huh?”

Erwin’s reaction inspired him to go farther. He rubbed his face into Erwin’s arm much as a cat would. When he glanced up he saw that Erwin’s jaw looked tight, clenched. His smirk grew. He was starting to realize why Hanji so enjoyed startling people. It was fun.

The light turned green. Time for phase three. As they crossed the street and stepped back onto the curb Levi pulled Erwin’s arm over shoulder and snuggled deep into the man’s side. Apparently that was the last straw.

“Damn it!”

Erwin wrenched himself away from Levi as if he’d been burned.

“You’re trying to make me kiss you, aren’t you?”

Levi refused to let his surprise show. This reaction was even better than the one he’d expected. He hadn’t, in fact, been trying for that at all. He’d just wanted to fluster Erwin a little, give the man back some lightness in his step. This though…he could work with this.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Levi said, all cool nonchalance as he continued down the street leaving Erwin behind him. The convenience store was just up ahead, and he reached it first, using the sleeve of Erwin’s jacket to push the door open without touching it. Erwin came up behind him just as he was approaching the cleaning aisle.

“Then what _are_ you trying to do?” Erwin whispered, leaning over Levi. Erwin’s hips were almost, but not quite pressed up against Levi’s butt.

Levi suppressed his shiver. That would ruin his cool-guy image.

“I’m not _trying_ to do anything, Erwin.”

Erwin grabbed Levi’s arm and twisted him around.

_Don’t bite your lip, don’t widen your eyes, don’t do anything to let him know how much you fucking love this._

“You lying to me, _Ackerman?”_

He couldn’t help it. Levi shivered. Erwin’s eyes were different now. Something had woken up. Something Levi hadn’t tried to do, but was wholly glad that he had.

Erwin yanked Levi forward so that their chests crashed together.

“Well?” Erwin demanded. Strong fingers caught Levi’s chin and wrenched it up. “ _Are you_?”

Levi had forgotten the question. His brain had turned to soup. Erwin’s hand still griped his arm in a tight hold and his thigh was pushed between his legs. Even as Levi’s breath shortened to spurts Erwin made it worse by pushing his face down to Levi’s where he still had a firm hold on his chin.

“I…”

Why was Levi bothering to try and talk? He didn’t know the answer to that himself, but he felt some kind of impending importance that might be born with words.

“Do you know what you do to me?” Erwin demanded. “Do you?”

Levi’s brain wasn’t complete liquid though, little thoughts bounced around inside of it, knocking into the walls of his skull and confusing him further.

_He looks almost...disorganized...and his calm is really--it’s gone. Where is it? Who took it?_

“But I’m--I’m not doing anything.”

The words stumbled out of Levi a tattered mess and even he could hear the lie in them. Erwin of course picked it up with a snap.

“I am _not_ at my most stable right now, Levi.”

The words weren’t impatient, but they were something that almost sounded like it.

“I am _not_ at the Center. I am _not_ feeling professional. I am a _weak_ man. You don’t realize how weak I am, Levi.”

_Well now he’s the one lying, right?_

“I’m not lying, Levi.

_He’s definitely some kind of psychic._

Erwin yanked at Levi’s arm and wrapped it around his own body.

“You have to be the strong one now, Levi. I don’t want to do something I’ll regret. Don’t let me, Levi. Not here. Not next to bottles of bleach and ammonia, in some fucking convenience store in the middle of nowhere.”

Levi’s breathing had already been erratic, but when he finally caught on to what Erwin was saying he stopped mid inhale.

“You won’t regret--”

“Stop it, Levi. Don’t you see? Not this way. We’re both worth more than that. So just _stop_. Stop what you’re doing. Stop with the easy touches and the sexy smirks. Just stop all of it. I’m not strong enough for it now.”

Levi’s ears caught on one of the words. Sexy. It had never been applied to him before. And his first instinct was anger, because he didn’t appreciate being the butt of a joke. But Erwin didn’t pull jokes like that. His teases were always fun, loving. They didn’t pick apart Levi and dig into him. He didn’t do that. And besides, at the moment Erwin looked less teasing than he ever had. So Levi’s next reaction was surprise.

_Erwin thinks I’m sexy._

He expected the thought to embarrass him. He expected a defensive burst of vehement denial from his own mind. But instead he met the thought with wonder.

 _Maybe I_ am _sexy._

The thought didn’t make him feel stupid. How was that even possible? He didn’t know, but he liked it. And so went a step farther.

_I can be sexy when I’m with Erwin._

Levi jerked his head down and nipped at the fingers holding his face. Erwin jerked back at though stung, a sharp breath in his throat. Levi threw his head back letting his too-long hair fall into his face. He bared his neck and let Erwin see the lust in his own eyes. And then, with quiet awareness he said.

“I don’t want to stop.”

Erwin’s pupils dilated. They were so wide now that they were swallowing up the blue of his irises.

Now it was Levi who yanked Erwin down. With both hands in the man’s shirt he hissed. “I want to do _everything_. I want you to _consume_ me.”

The tightness in Erwin’s jaw disappeared as his mouth went slack. Levi had one second before the man lunged. Just one. He could read it in every line of the man’s body. That’s why he let go. He smoothed Erwin’s shirt back into place and took a step back from him, releasing Erwin completely.

“But you don’t want that, so we won’t. You’re not weak, Erwin. Neither of us are. What we feel right now isn’t weakness. It’s strong. Strong enough to make all this shit--” Levi waved his hands to take in both their bodies and the state of Maine in general “Fade away to something stupidly insignificant.”

They looked at each other then and said several things without words. The first thing was affirmation. They were both here. Both present. Both feeling overwhelmed. But both willing to support the other. And the second thing was a sense of rightness that transcended both their circumstances and environment. They were here. Together, and whole despite what the world thought.

Levi didn’t reach out. Erwin did. But he didn’t take Levi in his arms again. Instead he just touched the back of Levi’s hand for one brief moment. He had a smile for Levi too. A tired smile that was made up of quiet hope.

“I suppose you’re right.”

“Of course I am,” Levi said, hoping to exude some of the confidence and sex appeal Erwin had so recently evoked in him. “My height--”

“Or lack thereof.”

Levi shot Erwin a dirty look and continued. “My short stature ensures that I have more brain mass to body ratio. That means that looking at the capacity per inch I’m technically smarter than you.”

Levi nudged Erwin and then began to move down the aisle, looking for the items he wanted. It was only when he heard Erwin begin to move that he shot a glance back over his shoulder to find the man. He didn’t regret it. Erwin was shaking his head in a silly kind of wonderment. But that wasn’t what made Levi’s heart sing.

It was something in his eyes. Something familiar, but not up to its usual luminescence—yet.

It was the twinkle. Levi had come to love it since the first time he’d seen it.

It was back.

\---

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I had to split the chapter again because the end of the long chapter version wasn't finished yet, my apologies that it's shorter than what I usually post. I just wanted to give you guys something before the weekend was over.  
> Anyway, a few of you are probably seeing Erwin's mom's death in a different light now. As you can see Levi wasn't the only one with a homophobic parent.  
> In the next chapter we're going to see the results of Erwin being more unstable and less in control of himself because of being back in his hometown and dealing with all the memories of his parents. Levi may or may not get a little, um, nsfw action because of this. *hides face*


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter 18:

Erwin shifted Levi on his back so that he could maneuver the card key to their motel room into the lock that was proving difficult.

“Guess it doesn’t want us to share a room,” Levi mused as Erwin tried the card for the third time.

“You think it’s homophobic?” Erwin asked, sliding the card back out again. He looked at it closely, trying to divest the mysteries of the universe from its plastic surface.

“No. I think it’s because you keep putting it in upside down.”

Erwin laughed and flipped the card over. This time when he put it in the light buzzed green. “Yeah well you know old men like me aren’t good at this newfangled technology.”

He pushed the door open and set the shopping bags down on the floor. In the room were two queen sized beds, a couple of nightstands, a table, and a tv that looked like it had been hijacked from the nineties. Erwin sighed.

“Sorry I couldn’t get better for you in this craphole town.”

Levi pushed his face up against Erwin’s. There were lots of fun things like that he could do while on Erwin’s back.

“Shut up. It’s good enough.”

Erwin carried Levi over to one of the two hardback chairs by the table. He held up his hand to Levi. “Wipe.”

Levi stuffed his hand down into his pocket and pulled out a travel sized pack of antibacterial wipes. He handed one to Erwin.

“Purell.”

Levi did the same with the hand sanitizer.

“You know you can put me down,” Levi said as Erwin squeezed a blob of sanitizer onto the wipe and began to scrub the chair down. “I won’t scream or pass out or anything.”

“Who says I _want_ to put you down,” Erwin said.

Levi was glad he was on Erwin’s back. This way the man couldn’t see his cheeks flush with pleasure. Levi had been on Erwin’s back ever since Erwin had parked the car after their trip to the convenience store. The blonde had figured that if Levi was exposed to too many more germs in one day the stress on his system might cause him to regress again. They had come back to the Motel Erwin had stayed at overnight. He’d already checked out because he hadn’t planned on staying after the ceremony, but had decided that with Levi in the condition he was in, it was best to stay at least another night so that he could recuperate. Of course when they’d gotten to the front desk there had been the question of what kind of a room to get. Levi had wanted a room with a single bed (for obvious reasons) And Erwin had insisted on at least having a double—if not separate rooms altogether. Levi had declared Erwin’s suggestion of two rooms preposterous as he didn’t plan on letting the man out of his sight during this trip together, and so they’d compromised and settled on the shared room. However Erwin had made Levi promise not to seduce him first because of his supposed weakness to all things Levi-related. It had not been a very happy promise on Levi’s part, but he’d agreed. This wasn’t really the time for sex anyway. Not when Erwin’s dead parents were just a couple miles away.

Levi rested his chin on Erwin’s shoulder and watched the man work. His guilt at having Erwin do this sort of thing was still acting up even though Erwin had already assured him that things like cleaning were very therapeutic to him, especially now. He felt even guiltier because he was greatly enjoying the feel of being held this way. With Erwin working he could feel every one of the man’s back muscles flexing and working against him and it was turning him on more than he’d like to admit. Not that he’d ever tell Erwin that. Of course he hadn’t figured on the blonde’s psychic abilities either.

“I can’t believe you’re getting a hard on from this,” Erwin said with a laugh, tossing the used wipe in the small garbage can in the corner of the room.

“I am NOT getting a hard on.”

Levi was totally getting a hard on.

“Oh my mistake, I guess that must just be a roll of lifesavers in your pocket,” Erwin said like the smug bastard that he was as he set Levi down on the chair.

“I hate you,” Levi grumbled.

Erwin began to pull of Levi’s shoes.

“You _wish_ you could hate me.”

But that wasn’t true. Levi didn’t have even the slightest urge to want to hate the beautiful man. Not when the fingers pulling off his socks were so gentle and careful.

Erwin waved his hand in front of his face.

“Jesus, Levi, your feet reek.”

Levi knew Erwin was just teasing, but he got offended anyway.

“Excuse your fucking face. No part of me has ever reeked _ever_.”

“Your personality does.”

“Hypocrite.”

“Hey _my_ personality smells like chocolate chip cookies and rainbows.”

Levi snorted. “What do rainbows smell like?”

Erwin, who had been massaging sanitizer into Levi’s feet, looked up at him. “Like gay sex. Everyone knows that.”

Levi rolled his eyes. Erwin eased Levi’s feet into a pair of fluffy socks they’d just bought. They were covered in little cartoon kittens. Levi had wanted to burn them in the store when he’d seen them but Erwin had begged him to let him buy them, and Levi was learning that he had a very difficult time saying no to the blonde.

“I’m going to flush these socks down the toilet,” he grumbled.

“You’ll do no such thing,” Erwin said. He lifted one of Levi’s socked feet and pressed a kiss to the heel. Levi had to try not to overheat.

“Aren’t you the one that came up with the no kissing rule for this trip?” Levi snapped.

The kissing rule had been established on the car ride over to the motel when Erwin had been buckling Levi into his seatbelt and they’d experienced an almost overpowering and raw moment of sexual tension. They’d both grabbed at each other instinctively, but Erwin had yanked back just before they could begin eating each other’s faces. “No kissing,” Erwin had said, and he’d been so final and panicked that Levi had nodded in agreement.”

“I was kissing the kittens, not you,” Erwin said.

“Idiot.”

Erwin didn’t deny it. Instead he rested his hands on Levi’s knees and pushed himself back onto his feet.

“You okay with chilling there while I clean the room? Think of what you want me to get you to eat.”

Levi crossed his arms over his chest. It was a juvenile gesture, he knew, but he couldn’t get himself to stop doing it in Erwin’s presence.

“I’m cleaning too.”

“Levi…I thought we both agreed it wasn’t safe for you to push yourself too much more today. You’ve done so much already.”

“I already took a break.”

“A five minute piggy back ride doesn’t count as a break.”

“I want to help.”

Levi stood up. The only things separating him from a moldy ass motel carpet was a pair of cat socks, god help him.

The way Erwin scrunched his eyebrows showed Levi that he was internally screaming, and was fighting every urge to set Levi back on the chair and scrub his feet down again. (They’d bought four pairs of the cat socks. It was possible.) Levi pressed his hands against Erwin’s chest.

“Let me.”

Erwin sighed and massaged his own temples. “Don’t make it sound like you have to ask me permission…”

Erwin looked too sad. Levi hated that. Especially because it was his fault. He knew of a way to fix it, but it was going to be embarrassing as hell. He sighed. The things he did for love…

He clapped his hand over Erwin’s mouth, reached up on his tippie toes and then pressed a kiss to the back of his own hand. Technically he hadn’t violated any rules. He hadn’t kissed Erwin—just the space where his mouth _would_ have been.

Levi let go, darted around Erwin, and grabbed one of the cans of Lysol and a pack of bleach wipes before the man’s shock could fade. Behind him he could hear Erwin spluttering incoherently. Mission accomplished.

“You little cheating shit!”

“I don’t want to hear that from someone who was ‘just kissing the kittens.’” Levi called back, knowing he had slam dunked the argument.

More spluttering behind him. Levi was glad to know that he held so much power in his small midget hands. He pushed open the door to the bathroom with his elbow.

“You can start on the bedroom,” he said. “And just remember the fact that you have to clean two beds is your own damn fault.”

Levi took a deep breath and looked around the bathroom. It was nothing special. A bathtub with some mold growing on the edge. A sink touched with flecks of rust, and a closed porcein toilet that had seen better days. Erwin was right. The place really wasn’t the creme de la creme, and to Levi’s germ sensitive eyes it was a deadly train wreck. He drew in a deep breath.

_Momentum. It’s always easiest if you dive in. Tackle the hardest part first. If you do that the rest will seem easy._

Levi forced himself to address the toilet.

_It’s just a giant bowl. How much damage can it really do?_

But Levi was too smart to trick himself that way.

_It’s a shit receptacle. Just think of how many people have pooped in it. Who knows how many diseases are clogged in it’s depths. Like a super diverse power party of germs._

Well now he was just making himself nauseas. If he continued down that mental road he’d never get started.

_Just pretend Erwin’s the only one who’s pooped in it._

He knew he couldn’t just imagine a toilet that had never been used for poop. That was delusional.

_Erwin’s exclusive toilet. The shit of the shield._

It had a nice ring to it, but poop was still poop, and that made it repulsive, no matter how nice of a butt it came out of. Still, the thought of Erwin’s poop was just the slightest bit less repulsive than the thought of the average asshole’s poop.

_The faster you clean it, the faster the poop will be purged._

Levi was glad he was alone in the bathroom. He knew he’d shrivel up in embarrassment if Erwin saw the way Levi had the lysol can thrust out in front of him like pepper spray in the face of an assailant. Slowly he eased himself forward. He tucked the lysol can under his armpit and pulled on one of the many pairs of disposable gloves he still had hidden in his pocket.

“Imma fuck this toilet up,” he muttered. He heard a chuckle from the other room and cringed. Erwin’s hearing was way too good.

“You do that, sugarplum,” Erwin called out.

Levi was going to thoroughly eviserate him later, but for now he had a date with destiny. (Yes, he had named the toilet destiny.)

Levi sprayed the outer layer of the toilet until it was saturated with germ killing goodness and then set to work with the bleach wipes scrubbing everything down. This was his favorite cleaning technique. Regular rags just pushed the germs around. That’s why the disposable wipes were so essential.

Levi’s touch was tentative at first, but then he began to apply real elbow grease as the regular regimen of cleaning came back to him. Things always got dirty again, and Levi knew that, but still when he cleaned he felt so purposeful and productive. Erasing germs had pretty much been the most satisfying feeling until recently--but that had been before he’d gotten a taste of Erwin’s lips. Nothing could compare to that. Despite the horror of the toilet he felt a dreamy little smirk dance at the edges of his lips. He would give a hell of a lot to taste those lips again. Even in his current drained and overwhelmed state the prospect hadn’t lost any of it’s appeal. Before he knew it his eyes had fallen closed without his knowledge, adn there he was, curled up  with Erwin, safe in sheets so clean they still smelled heavily of detergent and fabric softener. But stronger than that was the scent of Erwin who had pressed Levi up against his bare chest. His body was a little bigger now than it used to be and that was because of the recent training Erwin had been doing. He loved how much bigger Erwin was compared to himself. He loved the safety of those arms and the touch of those fingers as they twisted in his hair and brought his mouth forward, forward… Erwin’s breath was hot against his mouth. He wanted this like Levi did. A too long suppressed desire that needed to be fulfilled. _Yes. Erwin. Want you. Want…_ Erwin’s lips were soft, dry, but not for long. Harder and wetter as Levi opened himself to the man and tangled their limbs together. Touching, pressing, licking. _More. Please. Yes!_

“Levi! Which set of sheets do you want?”

Levi snapped his eyes open, the image disappearing with the sharp jolt of the present. His mouth was dry and it was because it was hanging open, making him look like a brain dead vegetable. Quickly he clamped it shut and jerked his eyes to the door. Thankfully Erwin was still in the other room and not in here to witness the way Levi was throbbing all over.

He let out an almost silent groan and forced himself to concentrate on the words Erwin had called out to him.

“I don’t give a crap. Whichever ones you want.”

He should have known giving Erwin free reign of anything, even something as simple as sheet choice, was a mistake.

“Really?” Erwin asked. And then his head popped into the room.

Levi noticed the light flush on Erwin’s face as well as a light sheen of perspiration. It seemed that while Levi had been daydreaming, Erwin had been hard at work.

“So even the kitten ones I bought?”

No amount of Erwin’s pretty flushed cheeks was going to let him get away with that.

“The _what_?”

“I couldn’t resist. They were so cute. I got you matching pajamas too.”

“Erwin!”

“I’m telling you you’ll love it. They have such cute bushy tails and these little collars--”

“No more kittens. None!”

“How can you even say that with a straight face?”

Levi wanted to ask Erwin the same question.

“Just put something normal on the bed.”

That didn’t send Erwin off, though. Instead the blonde leaned against the doorway looking too hot for his own good.

“So if you’re not a cat person, does that mean you’re a dog person?”

“Dogs are about 400 times worse.”

“So what animals _do_ you like?”

“None. I don’t need that crap in my life.”

“Pets aren’t crap.”

“I’m _not_ having a debate about this.”

“I bet you’re the type to say all this stuff but really if you’re ever alone in the room with a pet you can’t help but cuddle with them.”

“Ew.”

“I’m definitely onto something here.”

“You’re not.”

“I’m going to awaken the inner cat lover in you.”

“Why?”

Erwin smiled. “Because you’re very catlike yourself.”

Levi put on his offended face.

“No i’m not.”

“You are. You’re clean and outwardly disapproving, but secretly you’re curious about everything and love cuddling.”

“Do you even hear yourself?”

“You even move like a cat. There’s all this feline grace in your movements. I always felt like if you jumped from a fourth story window you’d still land perfectly and act like it was nothing.”

“You’re ridiculous.”

“I’m not. You should see yourself move. Lithe and full of ease. It’s actually pretty hot.”

“Why are you so set on proving what an idiot you are?” Levi asked. What he’d really meant to ask, of course, was _Do you really think I’m hot?_

Erwin’s eyes twinkled again. Levi was unbearably happy to see it. “l can’t help but be an idiot around you.”

“And why’s that?”

But Levi already knew the answer to that one, because he found himself acting a little too much like an idiot around Erwin too.

Levi could see that the blonde was trying to hide the wickedness of his smile. “Because I get a little...distracted.”

_I’m distracted right now,_ Levi thought. His eyes couldn’t help tracing the long length of muscled handsomeness that was Erwin Smith. Levi jerked his eyes away.

“You need to leave,” he said, voice brusque.

Erwin’s smile only became more obvious.

“Why? Am i not the only one who’s being--”

Levi picked up one of the spare rolls of toilet paper sitting in the corner and tossed it straight at Erwin’s head. Erwin ducked, which was a shame, and sent the roll harmlessly bouncing into the bedroom.

“Go away.”

“But I like watching you work.”

“How do you make that come out sounding so perverted?”

“Natural born talent.”

_Jesus, I want to kiss him._

It was hard for him to think of witty remarks with Erwin's twinkly eyes setting off sparks in his belly.

“Your neck’s turning pink you know.”

“Shut up, asshole.”

“It’s adorable.”

“I swear I’m going to stuff your head in a blender and turn it on to the maximum setting.”

“Your threats are weird.”

Coming from anyone else the word “weird” would appear to be an insult, but the way Erwin said it…

_How can he look at me like that? Soft like a fucking bunny or some shit. If you keep looking at me like that. Like I’m something...something fucking precious then…_

Levi wasn’t actually sure what would happen then, but he was a little afraid to find out. That’s why he had to get back to work. The outside of the toilet was done, so it was time for the hard part.

Levi pushed part of a wipe into the slit between toilet and lid and lifted.

Had levi been breathing through his nose he might have sensed the problem before he’d actually had to see it, but he’d been mouth breathing since he’d first entered the bathroom. It was a defensive gesture, but one that hurt him, damaged him, because when he lifted the lid and spotted the shit sitting at the bottom of the bowl, begging to be noticed, it was already too late.

He vomited. Blue powerade, the drink Erwin had eased into him while they’d been in the car, splattered into the toilet along with stomach acid, saliva, and his own repulsion.

_Shit. fucking shit. Everywhere in my life is fucking shit. FUCK!_

His cry was a choke, his body prepared to retch again but then arms were there, safe, strong. Pulling him away, slamming the toilet closed, turning on the sink faucet.

“Levi, Levi I’m sorry. I should have done a once over of the apartment first.”

His throat was burning and he was contaminated. Not all of the vomit had made it’s way into the toilet. But that was already changing. Erwin was pulling at Levi’s shirt, carefully tugging it over his head.

“It’s okay. Everything will be cleaned soon. I’m so sorry, Levi.”

An embarrassing whimper left Levi as Erwin tried to pull back.

“Just going to get water to clean your mouth. Clean water. Just one moment, Levi.”

But Levi’s fingers were clinging, digging into Erwin’s arm. So Erwin scooped him up, the motion smooth and seemingly effortless. He carried Levi from the room, straight to the bedroom where the table was already set out with all the necessary items.

_You’re supposed to be showing him how independent you are_.

The small controlled part of Levi’s brain was furious.

_He’s going to see this and think you aren’t independant. You’re screwing up everything. He’ll never be with you at this rate. Never._

But one furious train of thought wasn’t able to overcome the desperately necessary warmth and strength of Erwin’s arms. Nor could it overcome the absolutely shit journey Levi had forced himself to take in the last twenty four hours, and so the only thing his thoughts were able to do was direct his anger toward himself and cripple him a little more.

He felt loss--loss of control, the worst kind. And it was making his chest give out these sharp little gasps that Erwin was trying his best to soothe.

“Almost, Levi. Almost. Hang in there.”

Erwin balanced Levi against him with one hand twisted off the cap of a water bottle with the other. There was a ridiculous amount of talent, Levi was still able to realize, (even in his condition) that went into opening a bottle single handedly. But Erwin didn’t stop to congratulate himself. Instead he ripped open a fresh pack of thin washcloths and splashed some water onto one of them.

“Here, Levi. Open your mouth.”

Of course Levi listened. He’d listen to anything Erwin said, because Erwin only ever asked of him the things he needed or wanted to do.

Erwin carefully but thoroughly swabbed at Levi’s face and mouth.

“Don’t feel bad, Levi. I know it’s only this bad because it was shit this time. I know you can handle everything else. IT’s okay. You’re not weak. You’re not regressing. I know how strong you are.”

Words like that would make him cry. He was so relieved. LEvi only hoped that Erwin truly meant them. The thought brought words to his mouth.

“I didn’t mean to. I didn’t want to.”

“I know, Levi. I know. It’s not your fault. It’s the nasty ass manager of this hotel’s fault for renting out rooms that stiill have fucking _shit_ in the toilet. But it’s okay, right? We’ll both be okay.”

Erwin ripped open another package--a toothbrush this time. and then rustled around in the bag of toiletries sitting on the table. He pulled out a tube of toothpaste and squeezed some onto the brush before handing it to Levi.

“Here. You want to do this yourself, right?”

Levi nodded and Let Erwin smooth back his hair.

Erwin was going to let him do everything possible for himself, Levi realized. He wasn’t trying to baby him. He didn’t think Levi was incapable.

“Thank you.”

The words were too heartfelt. They made Levi’s voice crack.

“For not looking down on...for not thinking me worse.”

“Shh...of course not. Don’t be silly. Go ahead and brush your teeth. Don’t worry about what I’m thinking. I promise you don’t have to.”

Levi nodded and pushed the toothbrush into his mouth. Somewhere between the bathroom and the bedroom a wave of sick exhaustion had hit him, making the simple muscle movements involved with brushing his teeth overwhelming. But of course the feeling of getting clean was more important.

Levi let his head rest on Erwin’s shoulder, his heart rate returning to normal now that he was out of danger and doing something to get back into control.

Erwin was wiping Levi’s chest down, and the cool feeling of water gave Levi more of that intense relief. He needed a shower. He wanted one so badly. The disgusting germs of the plane, the taxis, the road, the store, the car, they were all over him and he was keenly aware of all of it.

“You look like you’re about to fall right over. It all finally hit you, huh?”

Levi shrugged and pulled the toothbrush from his mouth. Erwin handed him the water and Levi drank deeply from it until he tossed the empty bottle aside. He didn’t think he’d ever remove his head from Erwin’s shoulder. Erwin’s arm came up around him.

“I already cleaned one of the beds. I’ll put you on it, okay? And then I’ll scrub the tub quick so you can clean up. That sound good?”

It sounded exhausting, but Levi nodded. Erwin pressed his face into Levi’s hair. He stayed that way for a while just breathing in and out, the simple process so comforting that Levi found himself starting to drift off.

“Missed you so much,” Levi croaked, turning his face into Erwin’s neck. He was talking about their five week separation. This was the first time he’d addressed it since Erwin had returned.

Erwins arms tightened. “It hurt me too, Levi. A hell of a lot. It wasn’t just worry. I just missed this. Missed having you, holding you.”

Erwin’s skin had already been warm, but with the addition of Levis’ body heat it had grown even warmer.

“Don’t put me down,” Levi said. “Not yet.”

Erwin sat down in the chair beside the table and cuddled Levi close. Levi thought that sitting in someone’s lap, as a grown man, would make him feel like an idiot. But he didn’t. He just felt warm and happy because he was able to be held better this way.

“All this pain is my fault, Levi. If you were at the center you’d be feeling none of it. I know that, and you know that.”

Levi squeezed one of Erwin’s arms. “But we also both know that we’re also much happier now that i’m here.”

“I feel guilty for that.”

“Don’t. I was miserable over there knowing you were dealing with all this alone.”

They didn’t kiss, but Levi did lift his head, and they pushed their faces together, cheek to cheek and felt their warmth go into each other and build strength.

“It’s pretty much impossible to mourn when you’re here,” Erwin said. The motions of his jaw felt funny against Levi’s cheek. It was a great sensation.

“Don’t feel guilty about that either. I don’t want you to mourn a mother who thinks of you as a mistake.”

Just like that the anger returned, pushing out the panic and bringing him back to himself.

“You’re not a mistake. You could never be a mistake. No mistake could have helped so many people. No mistake would bring so many smiles to so many people’s faces just finding out that you were coming for a visit after five weeks. No _mistake_ \--”

Levi had to be careful or his voice would start cracking again. He took a breath and started the sentence over. He knew it would be a horribly embarrassing one.

“No mistake could so thoroughly and effectively improve the world around him with every day he lives.”

Now it was Erwin burrowing into _Levi’s_ shoulder.

“Stop. You’ll make me cry,” Erwin mumbled.

“Good. Maybe that’ll make you stop looking so handsome for at least two goddamn seconds.”

Erwin’s eyelashes tickled his neck. Levi had never thought something so small could prove so distracting.

“Nanaba says my eyes shine when I cry,” Erwin admitted.

Levi smacked him on the head. Actually, it could hardly be counted as a smack, especially since the moment his hand touched Erwin’s head his fingers curled in and began to stroke and tangle in his hair. Still, it _was_ unfair that crying only made the man even more beautiful.

“Is there _any_ circumstance where your appearance dips even the slightest bit? I’m not asking for a lot here.”

Erwin’s laugh was soft, but it was still there.

“Apparently when I’m trying to cook I look like a horse is biting me in the ass,” Erwin said. “At least according to Mike.”

Mike...Levi was happy to know that he didn’t feel jealousy hearing the name. That was good. It meant he was becoming a better and more secure person--maybe.

“I don’t think I’d mind seeing that.”

“What? Me cooking?”

“No. A horse biting you in the ass.”

Erwin’s laugh this time was almost like a regular laugh. “Maybe your dream will come true someday.”

Levi let go of Erwin’s hair, and let his hand fall to Erwin’s back. He wondered if Erwin experienced the same kind of pleasure Levi did at being held like this.

Erwin raised his head. Levi realized his pulse was calm, resting. Erwin’s breath caught, which alarmed Levi.

“What?” he asked

Erwin let his arms fall away from around Levi and instead cupped his face with both hands.

“ _What_?” Levi demanded, his newly calmed pulse spiking again.

“If you’re going to smile like that….my gross geezer heart is going to stop.”

Erwin’s voice was an awed whisper. Levi blinked.

“I’m confused,” he said.

Erwin’s hands grew firmer sliding from Levi’s face to his hair and neck and back again. Levi shivered.

Erwin stood up abruptly, taking levi with him, as he carried him over to the bed.

“What did I do?” Levi asked. His mind was shooting off in all directions.

_Did I go too far saying what I did? Was it pretentious? Was it the vomit? Is my smile that weird? I didn’t even realize I was smiling, can he hold that against me?_

Levi didn’t know what to think, but his panic jerked higher when Erwin laid him on the bed in a rush, almost dropping him there, before turning away--not that Levi was going to allow that. He snagged Erwin’s wrist.

“Wait! Tell me.”

“Let go of me, Levi.”

“Just tell me what I did. Did I bother you?”

“Let go.”

Anxiety was there now, and that only made Levi’s grip tighter.

“I’ll apologize, Erwin. But don’t just--”

“Levi, please. Let go. It’s for your own--”

“Just tell me what I did, damn it!” Levi shouted, and wrenched Erwin’s arm closer.

Erwin stumbled forward, falling onto the bed. Levi hurriedly let go, about to apologize, but then something changed in Erwin’s eyes. The blonde stopped pulling away. The stiffness left his shoulders.

“You want to know what you did?”

A sharp thrill shot through Levi. Something about that voice. It was...unrestrained.

Now It was Erwin’s hands that curled around Levi’s wrists. They were gentle, but they were not hesitant.

“You want to know what you did to me?”

Levi didn’t know why the air was punching out of his chest like it was. But he had to find out.

“Yes,” he said, hoping that was the right answer.

Erwin’s body coiled up like a well oiled spring. He pushed at Levi’s shoulders. Levi gripped Erwin’s forearms to pull him down too, but that didn’t happen. Instead Erwin crawled on top of Levi, hovering on all fours. Levi could see that his chest wasn’t the only one straining for air. Erwin was looking down at him, Blonde hair was dangling forward, almost touching Levi. Their faces were only a couple inches apart. Around Levi was the smell of new sheets.

_He’s going to kiss me_.

The thought shocked him, but he was also completely convinced.

Erwin’s breath was ragged, fast and hot against Levi’s lips. Levi wanted to grab Erwin and yank him down, but he also didn’t want to break the spell around them.

_He’s going to do it. He’ll break the rule._

But Erwin didn’t. Instead he did something else.

Erwin jerked back up. Levi cried out at the separation, but that cry cut off in surprise when Erwin yanked on Levi’s hips, sliding him several inches down the bed.

“Erwin, what--”

Erwin dropped on top of Levi’s hips, straddling him, and ground down on him once. _Once_. But that was all Levi needed to feel it.

Erwin’s erection, hot even through both their clothes. Without having to think about it Levi could conclude that it was easily the most wondrous thing to happen to him all year. And it was definitely the most erotic thing to happen to him in his entire thirty years of life.

“F-fuck.”

The word stuttered out of Levi, breathless and helpless to the feeling that ripped him open and sent every one of his neurons surging to life.

“ _That_ Levi, is what you do to me,” Erwin said before peeling himself off.

The only sound Levi could let out was a croak inspired by his own choking breath.

Erwin pushed himself off the bed, his composure returning with the distance he put between them.

Levi’s mind was trying to work frantic measurements.

_Definitely at least seven inches, probably more. Shit. That's the most terrifying and amazing thing I’ve ever felt._

Levi was hard too. Of course he was. How could he not be after experiencing that?

_Did I say terrifying? I meant electrifying. I need that dick. I need it now._

Erwin’s fingers brushed Levi’s wrist.

“I’m sorry about that, Levi. I didn’t mean to shock you. That was...I never should have--”

Levi clamped down on Erwin’s forearm.

“Do it again.”

“Wait, Levi, don’t--”

“Come back here and do that again.”

He jolted up in bed and tugged at Erwin’s arm, but the blonde yanked himself back.

“Absolutely not. You need water and electrolytes. Food too, and rest. I can’t believe I acted so irresponsibly, but it’s _not_ happening again.”

“Need it,” Levi groaned. He propped himself up on his elbows and spread his legs a few inches open. It was a more wanton display than he thought himself capable of, but it was driven by a sense of immediacy. Erwin shielded his eyes.

“Levi, _please_. It’s hard enough as it is.”

Levi stared at Erwin, not bothered that the blonde wasn’t looking at him. He’d _make_ him look.

“Want it,” Levi groaned, falling back onto the bed completely. “Want _you_.”

“I don’t want to have to leave now, Levi, but I’m going to have to go out for a few minutes if you don’t stop. It’s not a punishment, of course not, but I just--i need to be able to pull myself back together and _damn it Levi_ , don’t!”

But Levi was already crawling toward Erwin on his hands and knees. “Take me. _Take me_.”

Erwin stumbled back a few steps but that didn’t stop Levi. He knew what he wanted, and he suddenly knew how to get it. Because something told him that Erwin wasn’t going to walk away, that he was glued there, eyes stuck to him, unable to break contact.

Levi let himself drop onto his back once more, but this time he didn’t just lie there. His hands came up and smoothed themselves down his chest. “Feel like...like there’s fire _everywhere.”_

His hands got to his belt and slipped over it sliding over his pants to the space between his legs.

“So bad,” he groaned. “Never gets this bad. Not without you.”

He bucked his hips up, and touched himself, sliding his palm over his clothed erection. Now he raised his knees and set his feet flat on the bed. He spread his legs out wide, opening himself up fully to the other man. Everything ached, almost to the point of hurting. His pants were constraints and his mind was crying out for his beautiful blonde. But he had to concentrate. Erwin thought he was hot. That he was sexy. He’d said both today. That meant something. It meant that Levi could get him now. He had the tools, he just had to apply them.

“H-here,” Levi gasped and slid his hand lower until his fingers were brushing over the space where his hole was. “Take me _here_.”

It was horrifically embarrassing, and he had horrible doubt that he was doing this whole seduction thing all wrong, but his efforts paid off when he heard it. A groan, and not a quiet one either. It was a beautiful sound, deep and needy and full of so much frustration it instantly ratcheted Levi’s own arousal up to an unbearable level. Levi was ready to cream from it. His skin felt raw, so sensitive that even just resting on the sheets was too much.

This is what it meant to be aroused. It was a feeling he never would have experienced without the man in front of him.

“Please Erwin.”

He was going to explode from this. Feeling this much was impossible without repercussions. He’d meant to drive Erwin crazy to the point of action, but he’d managed to drive himself the craziest as a result. His brain was going to short out..

“Too much,” Levi gasped. “I don’t know--I’ve never felt like... _Please_.”

There was no sound, no motion aside from Levi’s ragged breathing and trembling thighs. And Levi thought that would break him. That this rejection in the time of his overwhelming need would be too much. But then a hand was there. It touched his knee, and a relief so profound, so necessary, shook him as his brain registered the touch he would always recognize.

“Erwin.”

His hands scrambled up, clumsy with everything he needed. His fists found clothes skin and hair and he tugged at it. He’d forgotten what his goal had been. Now he just needed to take care of this feeling before it killed him. “ _Erwin_.”

“Yes, yes Levi. It’s okay. I won’t leave you like this.”

“Need it. Too much, Erwin. It _hurts_.”

“I know. I see Levi.”

Erwin’s hand was in his hair, calming him, giving to him.

“Can you do it yourself?” Erwin asked, voice so soft it sounded like a forgotten whisper.

Erwin led Levi’s hand back to his straining erection.

“Erwin,” Levi groaned. Now it felt like the only thing he could say.

“Don’t worry. I’m here, Levi.”

“ _Stay_.”

“Of course.”

“ _Fuck me_.”

“You know I can’t do that.”

“ _Erwin_.”

“Shh...Don’t get upset, Levi. My Levi. We’ll take care of it.”

Erwin didn’t let go of his hair, but he took Levi’s hand.

“ I forgot...Hanji told me that all this...it’s new to you, right? This kind of feeling...”

“ _Only_ you.”

“If that’s true then I’m overwhelmingly flattered.”

“Erwin, I need--”

“You need release. I know Levi. And you’re probably feeling lightheaded with the dehydration and I doubt that’s helping. It’s all my fault. Because I didn’t restrain myself.”

Levi wanted to tell Erwin that it wasn’t true. That he’d wanted Erwin desperately all along. That this was bound to happen no matter what Erwin did. But he couldn’t say any of that. Instead he gasped and pulled Erwin’s hand to his mouth. But when he tried to push the fingers past his lips Erwin stopped him.

“First tell me Levi, can you take care of it yourself?”

A stupid question. If Levi had been able to take care of this kind of feeling he would have acted ages ago. The problem was that he was never going to get enough of Erwin and there was nothing he could do about that.

Levi wrapped his arms around Erwin’s neck and lifted himself up with what remained of his control and shook his head “No.”

Erwin let out a shaky breath. “Okay. It’s okay, Levi, Don’t feel guilty about that.”

“Hold me.”

Erwin pulled Levi into his arms. Levi realized that he’d never had Erwin be this accommodating to his perverted gayness before. What was the difference now?

_You’ve never shown him how bad it was before. You never let him fully see what he does to you._

One of erwin’s hand curled around the back of Levi’s neck while the other pushed against the small of his back, sliding Levi until they were pressed against each other. Levi could feel his front sticky with perspiration. It wasn’t often that it got that way. He clutched at Erwin and pressed their faces together, but before he could kiss him Erwin gave Levi’s head a soft push so that it was pillowed against his shoulder instead.

“Let’s only think about your body right now, Levi,” Erwin said.

_How can his voice be so soft when all mine wants to do is scream?_

“I’m just going to help you focus on giving your body what it wants, so don’t worry, okay?”

That confused Levi. Why would he worry when he had Erwin exactly where he wanted him.

“ _Erwin_.”

“I’m right here.”

“ _Take me.”_

“Not today, Levi.”

But it had to be today.

“Please.”

“Shh…” Erwin soothed and slid his hand down to rest on Levi’s ass. Levi sucked in a sharp breath, but Erwin didn’t try to touch skin or undress him, he was only trying to balance Levi. With Levi sitting up in his lap, Erwin spread his thighs and slid one of Levi’s legs between them.

“Wait...I don’t understand,” Levi muttered as Erwin slid Levi up his thigh so that Levi’s crotch was pressed against it’s base, his erection a burning and obvious presence. “You...inside me, you’re supposed to--”

“This will work for today,” Erwin assured him. His fingers were gentle but firm in his hair.

“Now move your hips, Levi,” he said and pushed his thigh up into Levi’s crotch.

Levi gasped but bit down on his cry. He clenched his teeth in a tight line and forced air into his lungs.

_I’m going to die._

That was the obvious conclusion. Levi had spent weeks playing the memories of the  kisses he’d received from Erwin over and over and over again, he’d orgasmed to thoughts  of Erwin’s touches and just imagining the man’s body was enough to get him hard. But all that mental involvement hadn’t been enough to prepare him for deliberate touches like these.

Levi knew that he wasn’t exactly what one would call “Experienced.” And he was even hypersensitive to his own touch because up until recently enjoying masterbation had been something he’d felt so rarely it was hardly worth mentioning. Erwin was the first real person who had ever excited sexual longing in Levi. The sensation was entirely new. And because of that, and because he had fallen so hard and so completely for the man, sensations he was feeling now were overpowering, and too much for his poor body to integrate.

Levi felt his body stiffen, his nails deep in Erwin’s skin through the man’s shirt, as he tried to get ahold of himself. But Erwin wasn’t stiff. His body was liquid muscle and his hands were familiar warmth as he pushed them up Levi’s thighs.

“Relax, Levi. I’ll get you there. I promise.”

The words would have been laughable if Levi had any brain space left for jokes. Levi had no worries about Erwin “getting him there.” If Erwin was touching him there was no doubt about that. The only problem was whether his mind would survive the process.

Levi’s eyes were squeezed tightly shut, as was his mouth and his voice. He worried that if he allowed himself a single opening he would come apart completely and never come back together again.

Erwin’s hands settled on Levi’s waist and urged him to move. “Here, Levi. You can do it.”

He pushed his thigh up against Levi again, his voice a soft hum.

Erwin was encouraging him to let go, to fall into a space where he would be protected no matter what he showed. It was just in time too, because Levi couldn’t take it anymore.

Levi bit down sharply on his own hand as he allowed his body to come to life. As Erwin’s thigh drew back, Levi’s hips rocked forward, searching for that friction, needing it, wanting Erwin’s warmth and hard body more than anything at that moment.

“There you go,” Erwin murmured pressing Levi more strongly against himself. “Don’t be afraid to take whatever you need.”

Levi bit down harder and the salty metal of blood appeared coating his tongue lips and throat. The blood was his cry, his need, as his hips rocked faster, harder, finding Erwin’s body and sending blinding steel blades of pleasure into his eyes and groin.

“Don’t think about the mess,” Erwin whispered. “Don’t think about anything but letting go. I’ll take care of everything else.”

Levi didn’t know what to think of what he was in that moment. He didn’t know what he looked like rutting against Erwin like some kind of crazed animal. He didn’t want to think about what Erwin thought of him like that, with no control and a voice choked by his own blood. He didn’t want to think about anyone but Erwin and how much he loved him, how much he wanted to learn everything there was to know about him.

_He’s so much more than this body. So much more than anything I can touch._

And yet that didn’t mean that what Levi _did_ touch wasn’t dearly beloved. Because it was. The body he was holding, touching, was so important because it housed the mind of so precious a person.

_I want to be one with this body. To get closer to that mind, that person. To Erwin._

Levi could feel his impending orgasm like a sledgehammer in his abdomen. The urgency it brought was greater than any other physical urge his body had ever had--even worse than the time in the dumpster where his need to pee after 24 hours had been like claws in his bladder.

Nothing could compare to this feeling because his body had equated this orgasm to something critical to continued survival, so it threw him headlong down that path and all Levi could do was clench his teeth down on his now numb hand as his breath punched out of him in a hot and terrible mess.

“Almost there,” Erwin murmured as Levi’s hips lost their rhythm, less like the motion of tides and more like the waves in a storm tossed sea. “Just let go. Let yourself be free.”

Levi thought he would be able to manage the explosion best by crumpling himself into the smallest space possible: The bomb shelter method. he thought it held the greatest chance of recovery. But his body wasn’t listening to his mind, and so on the next thrust when he reached the end, it tossed him, snapping his neck back off Erwin’s shoulder. His body, a tightly coiled muscle, stretched right to the edge of his breaking point, and then--

He couldn’t scream, couldn’t say Erwin’s name, couldn’t even breathe as his orgasm seized him and blew every thought from his mind. He wasn’t sure whether his eyes were open or closed anymore, didn’t really care. He couldn’t feel Erwin’s hands or his own, and that would have been terrifying, except he couldn’t register anything as complicated as terror in that moment.

He wasn’t sure at first when he started to come down but suddenly he was aware of his own gasping breath, and his death grip on Erwin, and his own hips which were slowing to a rattling halt, and then his eyes really were open and he was seeing, and he was breathing and there was Erwin looking right into his eyes and pushing his sweaty hair back and touching him softly, gently, to match the words that Levi’s mind scrambled to pick up.

“Is that better, my Levi? Are you okay? You don’t have to speak right now, just nod your head if you want me to clean you up.”

Levi found that his hands were clenched tightly on the back of Erwin’s shirt. Slowly, with returning concentration, he managed to force his claw-like fingers out of the material and detracted his hands. He nodded his head.

He could feel an edge of panic beginning to stir. It rose the more he became aware of the stickiness in his pants, but as he finally settled back to ground level after his orgasm, he knew that the panic would never grow large enough to effect him.

_It’s just spunk. It happened because of Erwin. It’s safe. He’s safe. And I’m safe._

He lifted his hand and brought it to Erwin’s face in response to the soft smile that was blooming there. However his fingers never made contact. His wrist was snatched in a whirlwind motion as the smile on the blonde’s face disappeared.

“What the _hell_ did you do to your hand?” Erwin demanded.

Levi had never seen a storm as sudden as the one that had appeared on Erwin’s face.

Levi looked down at his hand. It was crusted with a thin layer of drying blood, and there were stiill teeth marks on it. All the evidence pointed toward one conclusion. Levi knew it would be unwise to let his guilt show. Best to play clueless.

“Hmm...maybe the apartment is infested with mice as well as shit.”

It didn’t work.

“Levi! I don’t believe you.”

Oh well. Levi had never liked lying to Erwin anyway.

“Oh come on. That’s nothing. Stop looking like I’ve contracted the plague.”

Erwin’s horror only grew worse. He was turning Levi’s hand over in front of his face as if he couldn’t even find where to start.

“People don’t...They don’t just do this to themselves, Levi. Jesus Christ.”

Levi refused to acknowledge his wrong.

“It’s just a little blood. It’ll be better in a day or two.”

“That’s not the point. You hurt my Levi.”

“Cry me a river.”

“Well maybe I will.”

Erwin lifted Levi’s hand and pressed his lips to the bite. Levi supposed that the no kissing rule _was_ pretty much ridiculous at this point.

_Well if Erwin can get kisses, then I can too_ , Levi reasoned, and so used his uninjured hand to pull Erwin’s face forward. He tilted his face up to accept Erwin’s kiss, but it never happened. Erwin snapped back to reality and wrenched his head free.

“Right. Clean up.”

He pushed down on Levi’s shoulders until his back was flush against the mattress once more. Erwin had to be taught that he couldn’t do whatever he wanted though.

“Hey!” Levi growled. “Get back here.”

But Erwin was already standing up and heading over to the table in the room.

“You owe me so many kisses,” Levi said with the kind of conviction that made it clear he’d been keeping a mental tally of said kisses. “So many.”

“I owe you diddly squat,” Erwin said with an old man’s stubbornness. He lifted a wash bucket and brought it toward the bathroom. Levi heard the sink faucet being turned on. He growled.

“Aren’t people supposed to kiss after doing something like…” He gestured toward his body, but since Erwin was in the bathroom he couldn’t see the motion.

“People kiss after a lot of things,” Erwin said. “Doesn’t mean that we should.”

“Less stupid excuses, more ravaging my mouth,” Levi said. He had more than half a mind to stand up and stalk over to that asshole bastard and show him a thing or two, but the bed with its new sheets was the cleanest thing Levi had touched in what seemed like forever and he wasn’t prepared to leave it quite yet.

The sink faucet shut off and Erwin reappeared in the bedroom holding the basin, now filled with sudsy water and a couple of washcloths. “Are you going to be this persistent for the rest of the trip?”

Levi crossed his arms over his chest, honestly insulted. “Of course not.”

Erwin let out a visible sigh of relief. Levi glared.

“Obviously I’m going to be this persistent for much longer than that.”

Erwin slapped his hand over his face and groaned, but Levi was having none of that.

“Stop acting like kissing me is the worst thing in the worst.”

Erwin sighed. “You’re right. Kissing Auruo was way worse.”

Levi choked at that, losing his irritation.

“You kissed _Auruo_?”

“Yeah. On a dare.”

Levi shook his head. Erwin set the basin down on the bed and eased himself down beside it.

Levi had a choice. He could kick Erwin out and clean himself off, or he could take the blonde’s assistance. The choice was obvious. Levi closed his eyes, settled himself more loosely on the bed, and laid utterly still. He heard Erwin groan again and that put a tiny smirk on his face.

“You just want me to see your dick again,” Erwin grumbled. “You’re totally capable of doing this yourself.”

“You made the mess, you clean it.”

“You little shit…”

Levi didn’t have to open his eyes to know he’d won the round. His smirk grew a little wider, but it faltered when he felt warm fingers touch the front of his pants. He jerked back and his eyes flew open. He met erwin’s surprise with his own.

“Sorry,” Levi muttered, dropping his eyes again. “I just wasn’t expecting…you can go back to what you were doing.”

But Erwin’s fingers moved to Levi’s arm instead.

“I said—“

“Are you sure you want this, Levi?”

Levi slowly raised his eyes.

Did he want this? It was an honest question that deserved an honest answer. Thankfully Levi had that answer.

“Yes.”

He didn’t blink, or move in any way that might be interpreted as faltering resolve. They stayed that way for several long moments, neither blinking. Finally Erwin blew out his breath. Levi laid back down. This time when Erwin’s fingers found the button on Levi’s pants they didn’t pause, and Levi didn’t flinch. Erwin unzipped Levi’s jeans and eased the denim down. It took a little bit of effort because of tightness issues.

“I don’t remember these jeans,” Erwin said.

His tone was conversational, nonchalant, but Levi knew it was anything but.

“That’s because I’ve never worn them before.”

Erwin gave the jeans another tug and they finally slid down Levi’s thighs.

“I think I’m going to start wearing them from now on though,” Levi added.

“Is that so?”

Erwin pulled the jeans free, but instead of tossing them aside he held onto them for a moment. That was a good sign.

“I gave them a name. BJR.”

Erwin looked up. “BJR?”

Levi didn’t know why he wasn’t embarrassed. He had jizz in his undies—undies that were on full display to present company at the moment—and Erwin had just seen his orgasm face. That was something no one had ever seen before, mainly because no one else had ever given Levi an orgasm before. Erwin didn’t know that, and Levi wasn’t sure if he was going to tell him, but either way he should have been embarrassed—right?

_Except I’m not. Not really._

And knowing that allowed him to say his next words.

“BJR: Booty Jeans rebooted.”

Erwin only looked confused for about half a second and then he clapped his hand over his mouth and burst out laughing.

“You didn’t!”

Levi was extremely proud of himself.

“I did.”

Erwin was still laughing but he managed to squeeze out, “When?”

“While my flight was delayed for three and a half years. They’ve got too many stores in the airport and I found these while I was trying to distract myself from thinking about germs.”

“They’re beautiful,” Erwin said once he’d calmed down. “Even dripping with semen.”

Levi jerked the jeans out of Erwin’s hands and tossed them onto the floor. “They are _not_.”

“It’s okay. Semen comes out a lot easier than shit does. I’m sure we’ll be able to salvage them.”

“You’re supposed to be _nice_ to me. I’m practically a virgin.”

“Whoops. I forgot.”

Erwin was not wearing the face of someone who had forgotten something.

“Ass.”

“That’s my middle name.”

“I thought that was ‘Albert.’”

Erwin froze, teasing forgotten.

“Who told you that?”

_Oh how the tables have turned…_

“Nile.”

“What? WHY?”

“Because I asked him.”

“He told me he’d never tell a soul!”

“He didn’t. I don’t have a soul.”

“I’m going to skin him alive!”

“I’m all for that, but don’t you think you’re overreacting just the slightest bit?”

“NO.”

“Oh come on. Albert is hardly worse than _Erwin_.”

“It’s a million times worse.”

“They’re both old man names. They fit you.”

“Take that back.”

“Erwin Albert.”

“You little—“

“ERWIN ALBERT!”

“GOD DAMN IT LEVI!”

“ERWIN ALBERT! ERWIN ALBERT! ERWIN—“

Erwin kissed him. Or rather, he didn’t just kiss him. He lunged at him and crashed their mouths together, the force sending them both toppling to the bed. The way Erwin sealed their mouths would have made the leaky roof in Levi’s childhood home extraordinarily jealous. Levi wouldn’t have blamed it. Anyone would have been jealous of the kiss he was sharing with the blonde at the moment. Erwin’s hands were tight on Levi’s face, but Levi’s were tighter. The moment they hit the bed, Levi’s hands found Erwin’s hair and knotted in it like it was a bare cliff face at the top of a hundred foot chasm. There was no time or breath in that moment, but if there had been Levi knew what he would have said.

It had been so long since he’d felt the man’s lips that he’d started to think he’d exaggerated the feeling in his mind, raising it to worshipful levels in the absence of recent comparisons. But that was wrong. Because the feeling had only grown stronger.

_Fuck I could die like this. I could die_ in _this_.

Too bad Erwin wasn’t going to let him get old and die in the kiss though, because after just three bruising life giving seconds he yanked himself away, jumped to his feet, and stormed into the bathroom with a slam of the door.

Levi stared at the door, a solid barrier. He blinked at it. Still a solid barrier. His mind, still a lumpy liquid mess from the kiss, tried to put the situation together, and failed.

“What the hell?” he shouted at the door.

“Fuck you,” Erwin called back.

Now Levi was smiling and he didn’t know why.

“Come back and kiss me again you asshole dicknugget.”

“It’s _all_ your fault!”

“ _You_ kissed _me_.”

It was an astounding fact. Levi pressed fingers to his tingling lips and smiled so hard it turned into a laugh. He said it again.

“You kissed me.”

It sounded just as magical the second time. He heard a groan behind the door. And then he had a marvelous idea.

“Wait! Are you going to jerk off?”

“I swear to god, Levi.”

“You fucking are. You’re going to jerk off.”

“Please, _please_ shut up.”

Levi had never felt less like being quiet in his life. He jolted up in bed.

“Come out of there.”

“No.”

“Come out of there and I’ll help you.”

“Levi!”

“The way you helped me. I can—“

“I’m perfectly capable of doing it myself.”

“Oh yeah? Can you suck your own dick?”

Silence. And then half a second later Levi heard the scrape of a shower curtain being violently ripped open, followed by the sound of running water.

“I can do it, you know,” Levi shouted, louder than the water.

And he could. Five minutes ago he wouldn’t have been able to, but five minutes ago he hadn’t known that Erwin wanted to jerk off to the thought of him. Powerful thoughts could result in powerful things—like the ability to blow dicks when previously the thought would have made Levi throw up.

“I can ride it too!” Levi added for good measure.

That’s when he heard it. A thumping sound. It happened again and again. Levi realized that it was Erwin banging his head against the wall.

“Just give up already. You already broke the kissing rule.”

Levi felt like the bad shoulder angel trying to convince some decent Christian to commit a sin.

“I dislike you so much right now,” Erwin groaned from the relative safety of the bathroom.

Levi was pretty sure he could pick the lock on the door in three seconds. Two, if he went at top speed.

“You want to fuck me.”

Levi knew the answer to his question but he still wanted to hear it. He climbed off the bed and padded across the dirty motel carpet in his kitten socks. He’d never felt this powerful before. It was like his feet were burning the germs off the floor. They had no ability to hurt him. Levi found the bathroom door and pressed his hands against it, palm flat.

“You do. You want to fuuuuuuuck me.”

_There has to be something wrong with me. I’m almost singing for god’s sake._

“Stop.”

“You do. You want to rip your clothes off, stretch me open and—“

“I said _stop!_ ”

Levi stopped. He stopped so suddenly he almost choked on his breath. Because Erwin didn’t sound like Levi did—powerful and playful and on top of the world. He sounded like he was standing on a wire thin enough to cut a person’s throat. Maybe it already had, because his voice was raw.

“Erwin…”

“Don’t come closer. Don’t say another word. Don’t do anything more, just _don’t_.”

Levi had to listen. Of course he did. When Erwin sounded like that, like his heart was being squeezed hard by brutish hands, Levi would listen to whatever it was. It didn’t matter.

So it was silent. And the water ran.

“I do want to fuck you.”

The confession was too serious. It could only be the truth.

“I’ve wanted it forever. I’ve wanted it even when it was a crime to want it. I wanted and I wanted for so hard and so long, but I’ve never been less in control of that want than I am right now, so please just… please fucking stay away because I can’t do it by myself anymore.”

And that killed Levi. Because Erwin was still using the scary broken voice and Levi felt compelled to listen to the words even though they were the last ones he wanted to follow.

“But…why? What’s stopping us, Erwin? I’m a lot better now.”

“You’re still having attacks.”

“I won’t have one while we make love.”

Levi had never used that expression before. Making love. But he realized that’s exactly what it would be. Because there was no doubt in his mind that he loved Erwin, and he was starting to realize that what Erwin felt for him went beyond superficial attraction.

“You don’t know that,” Erwin croaked.

“I do.”

“Levi…”

Levi pushed his fingernail into the lock and twisted. He was wrong. It had only taken him one second to pick the lock. He pushed the door open.

“Don’t--!”

“It’s all right,” Levi said. He crossed the bathroom tile. It was hard to believe he’d thrown up in the room less than an hour ago.

Erwin was standing in front of the mirror. His shirt was off and his hair was the messiest Levi had ever seen it. He wondered whether he had done that during his orgasm, or if Erwin had done it in his frustration. It didn’t really matter.

“It’s all right,” he said again, as he wrapped his arms around the blonde. “Everything is going to be all right.”

He pulled Erwin’s head down and kissed him. The man was right. Erwin didn’t have the power to resist anymore. If anyone was going to stop where this was going it would have to be Levi.

Erwin groaned but he didn’t move. Levi pushed his tongue passed Erwin’s lips, a soft exploration. Erwin’s mouth was wet, pliant. Levi wanted it enough to make his whole body shake. He backed Erwin up against the sink. Erwin didn’t stop him.

“Hold me,” Levi whispered against aching lips.

Erwin’s arms obeyed, rising up and wrapping around Levi like warm water.

It was perfect, except it wasn’t.

Levi nudged Erwin’s legs open with his thigh. Erwin didn’t resist.

Levi leaned up into the space, his crotch pressed up against the blonde’s. Erwin didn’t resist.

Levi pushed his fingers into Erwin’s hair and pulled his mouth back to his, but Erwin still didn’t resist. He didn’t move. Except for his chest. It was jerking up in tight uneven breaths.

Levi stopped. He drew his thigh out from between Erwin’s legs. He pulled his face away until they were at least 6 inches apart, and he let his hands slide down to Erwin’s face.

Erwin’s eyes were tight with something too close to regret. Levi let his head fall to Erwin’s chest.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered.

Erwin’s chest was still juddering too fast.

“I’ll be strong now. I promise.”

Levi pressed his palms to Erwin’s chest as if that would even out the man’s breaths.

“I know why you want to wait. I think you’re mistaken. I think it’s unnecessary. But I understand. So I’m not…If you don’t want to then we—“

“I already told you it’s not that I don’t want—“

“Right. Sorry. I meant…Look, I know that you’re doing it to protect me, okay? So even though it pisses me off and makes me want to smack the shit out of you in an attempt to make you see sense…”

Levi blew his breath out. His palms were rising and falling slowly now. Erwin’s breath had evened out.

“I know that where you’re coming from is a good place,” Levi finished. “And…I’m willing to wait. For you.”

Familiar hands, and they were right in his hair. Levi tilted his head forward in order to give Erwin’s fingers more space to move. Those fingers, he knew, would never stop feeling good.

“Levi, you…you make me so happy, you know that?”

“You already said that today, old man.”

“It’s because I can’t get over it.”

Levi couldn’t get over it either, and he’d stopped trying.

“I really want to kiss you right now,” Levi said, his voice rumbly gravel.

“But you won’t?”

_It really must be true love if I’m willing to put up with this must shit._

“But I won’t.”

“Thank you Levi. Really. From the bottom of my—“

“Do you _really_ want me to throw up for the fourth time today?”

Erwin snapped his mouth shut. Levi sighed and touched his fingers to Erwin’s lips.

“This whole ‘no sex’ thing is really such a fucking shame. Do you know how beautiful you are? Do you know what a waste it is not to put your body to good use?”

“It’s a dreadful shame.”

“Pisshead.”

“Shitbucket.”

“Dorkknob.”

“Artichoke.”

Levi laughed in spite of himself. “That’s not even an insult.”

“Not an insult? Have you ever _tasted_ an artichoke?”

“I think so.”

“And?”

“I don’t remember it being anything special.”

“I can’t believe I kissed an abhorrent man like you.”

“I can’t believe a grown ass man is afraid of artichokes.”

“And I can’t believe a germaphobe like you is walking around in a motel bathroom in crusty underwear.”

Levi grinned and pulled on Erwin’s arms.

“The kitten socks are protecting me.”

“Naturally.”

“Come shower with me.”

“Fuck off.”

“You’ve wasted too much water already.”

“And you’ve wasted the rest of my patience.”

“I promise not to kiss you.”

“Your promises are worth nothing to me. Zilch.”

But Levi was still pulling on Erwin, and Erwin wasn’t resisting. And then Levi was yanking off his kitten socks, and Erwin was tugging off his pants, and then they were under the water together, spluttering and laughing and shoving at each other to hog the spray.

“Move your ginormous ass!”

“It’s only ginormous compared to your tiny tush.”

“I’m going to freeze to death.”

“Good. Because sharing the shower was your idea.”

“My excellent idea.”

“If we end up fucking because of this it’s your fault.”

“I’ve shouldered worse blame.”

“You don’t feel the slightest bit of shame. None _at all_.”

And it was true. Levi had no shame. How could he feel any when Erwin’s arms were closing around him, pulling him beneath the hot water and into slippery wet skin.

They were both hard in the span of seconds, but it didn’t matter because they were strong enough to resist the pull of that—mostly—though each time Erwin’s wet erection brushed against him with its burning heat Levi felt his strength falter. Luckily with Levi’s promise and understanding Erwin seemed to have regained his rock solid resistance, and his voice was nothing close to the broken state it had been in before.

Erwin scrubbed Levi’s hair, and Levi realized he would never again be satisfied by showering by himself again. Erwin’s fingers were just so much stronger, and his arms so much warmer than whatever heat and cleansing the water could provide. Levi also realized that every mundane domestic task would reach new heights if Erwin was involved, and so if Levi continued to let this man into his life, everything would be covered in that gentle but precious touch. It was a terrifying thought because Levi knew, even after just a few months, that if Erwin’s presence left, all those places he’d touched would become excruciatingly painful. Also empty. The kind of hollow empty that Levi had felt before. Hollow places that had two names scratched into them with blood: Isabel and Farlan.

“Hey.”

Erwin pulled up Levi’s shin and pushed wet hair off of his face.

“Come back to me. You look like you’re somewhere far away.”

That’s right. There was no point in dealing with what could happen because “what ifs” had no right to destroy the “right now”s. Besides, Erwin didn’t need to suffer through Levi’s worry too.

Levi pushed his lips against the inside of Erwin’s wrist. “I’m right here, old man.”

“Can’t you come up with a cuter nickname for me?”

“it’s either that, or ‘asshole geezer.’ Take your pick.”

Erwin muttered something that sounded a lot like “Only bitter cuz you want this geezer in your asshole.”

Levi grinned, and Erwin reached behind him to turn off the water. Levi made sure to watch carefully as the blonde climbed out of the shower. His ass looked particularly magnificent when it was slicked up and dripping.

_I don’t like watching you walk away from me…but damn if I don’t like seeing you walk away._

“That is the creepiest most lecherous smile I’ve ever seen, Levi. What on earth are you thinking?”

Levi snapped his face up and hastily slid on an expression of innocence. “I wasn’t thinking of anything.”

“Sure you weren’t.”

Erwin dropped a towel on top of Levi’s head and proceeded to rub his hair like he was trying to generate enough static electricity to power an entire city.

“Watch it, or you’ll give me carpet burn,” Levi said, ducking his head. But Erwin didn’t let him escape. Before he could step out of the tub, Erwin scooped him up bridal style.

“Put me down, asstits.”

“Ya know, if you’re going to give me insulting nicknames you can at least _try_ to say them affectionately.”

“I’m going to decapitate you.”

“Well do it carefully. I don’t need you getting blood on your skin after I’ve only just finished scrubbing it so carefully.”

Levi already knew that he would regret agreeing to the whole “no sex” thing _so much_. All he wanted to do was get on that bed and let Erwin rip him to shreds.

Erwin carried Levi out of the bathroom. It was better this way, of course. Levi knew that getting germs on himself now, more than being unpleasant, would probably prevent him from sleeping altogether, and that was bad because he was exhausted. Not “wow I could really use some sleep” exhausted, but “My eyes are on fire and if I don’t pass out in the next minute I’m probably going to start having auditory and visual hallucinations” exhausted.

Erwin came to the bed and set Levi down so gently that it felt like the sheets, when they touched him, were kissing his back. Levi tugged at Erwin’s arms, but the blonde resisted.

“Only for a minute, okay? I can’t sleep in bed with you?”

Levi had been afraid of that.

“Why not?”

“Because what if I do something to you in a sleep induced haze. Bad things. Sex things.”

_That would be entirely welcome_.

“But you promised back at the center at our dumb gay picnic that we could…”

Levi trailed off because he was smart enough to know that the situation wasn’t like it was in the Center anymore. That was a time when Erwin’s asshole mom was still alive and Erwin was feeling strong and steady. Now…

“Not a good idea, Levi,” Erwin said. His voice was as soft as his hands as he eased himself down beside Levi and began to stroke his hair. “I will do it if you think it’s necessary to get you to stay sleeping, but…”

But Erwin would be terrified the entire time because he was a dork with too much chivalry. Levi sighed.

“It would be lying if I said it was necessary. Do what you feel is right.”

He expected Erwin to rise at that point and head to the other bed, but the man did not. Instead he let his fingers trail down Levi’s forehead.

“Close your eyes, little one.”

For once Levi decided to follow directions without a snarky comeback. He’d tortured the poor blonde enough for one day. He let his eyes flutter closed and concentrated on the solid warmth of Erwin beside him because maybe if he focused enough he’d be able to keep the feeling with him even after Erwin left. But Erwin did not leave.

“I’ll stay with you until you fall asleep,” He said.

Levi’s eyes flew open again as he twisted around to face Erwin.

“You don’t—“

“I want to.”

Levi stared at the smile on Levi’s face looking for traces of the regret he’d seen in the bathroom, but it wasn’t there.

“Tomorrow I’ll behave fully, but for now I’ll let myself have this, have you, even if it’s just for a few moments.”

_You can have me for as long as you want. My body, my mind, my life—all of it is yours._

But Levi didn’t say that. Instead he said. “Okay.”

Then he laid back down on the bed and scooted back into the blonde’s body. Erwin wrapped his arm around his waist and tucked Levi’s head beneath his.

“Good night, Levi.”

Even the air seemed softer, kinder with Erwin holding him like this. Levi couldn’t help feeling like something important inside of him had clicked into place. Some sort of acceptance or understanding. He wasn’t sure. Maybe he’d figure it out in the morning. But for now he had time for one last jibe.

“Goodnight, Erwin Albert,” he said.

He didn’t get a smack, or even a growl. Instead he got Erwin’s laugh, and that was beautiful because after the journey he’d had and everything they’d gone through to get to this point, that was the sound Levi had most wanted to hear.

\---

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so in this chapter Levi actually manages to cockblock himself because I can assure you that if Levi had kept going Erwin would not have stopped him. Not at that point. So Levi lost his golden opportunity and you may all sob over that if you wish. However, all is not lost, because one, Levi had an orgasm given to him by someone other than himself for the first time in his life--hoozah! and, more importantly, the booty jeans have been reincarnated--they're back and better than ever.  
> The chapter is a few hours late and this is because of a hair disaster I will allow myself to cry over later, but for now please enjoy the gayness of this chapter while I crash and get a few hours sleep before work in the morning.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: so embarrassing you may die

Chapter nineteen:

Though Levi had thought of Erwin as his shield since the beginning, he’d never seen the man live up to the title as much as he was doing now. Levi leaned his head back against Erwin’s chest and looked up to find the blonde grinning down at him.

“Hurry up,” he said, nodding to the bottle of Powerade in Levi’s hand. “You’re going to have to chuck that at the end of the line.”

It was funny, he didn’t remember ever drinking Powerade before he’d met Erwin, but now he was starting to think of it as “his” drink. Erwin was always trying to stuff as much of it into him as possible.

“Then help me,” Levi said and offered up the drink.

Erwin raised his eyebrows, giving Levi a chance to retract his offer. Levi glared. Erwin laughed and lifted the bottle to his lips. Levi watched the man’s throat work as he swallowed, and cursed himself for being so lovesick.

They’d been in the airport for over two hours now. Erwin had insisted on coming super early so that they’d be able to take things as slowly and safely as possible. He’d insisted that he wasn’t trying to baby Levi, he just wanted to make sure the process wasn’t traumatizing as it had been the first time around. Levi had to grudgingly admit that the man had been right. Because of him Levi hadn’t felt a strong urge to throw up even once yet.

Erwin had given Levi two choices: drive back or fly back. The car Erwin had rented belonged to a large company with branches all over the United States. Driving back home and leaving the car at one of the other branches was completely within the bounds of the rental agreement. The offer had been sorely tempting. Erwin had scrubbed the car well, and the idea of being curled up in the front seat beside the blonde for hours on end talking and watching the country slip by the windows was a beautiful one. That choice was the relaxed one, but it was also the useless one. Sure, he’d have a lot of fun on the drive back holding Erwin’s hand while flirting and being gross, but the option was too safe, and he was supposed to be working on getting better. And so Levi had opted for the plane route. Because planes and airports weren’t controllable. They were dirty and full of people and germs, just like the rest of the world—and it was the rest of the world that Levi was supposed to be rejoining.

Erwin rubbed the back of his hand across his mouth and offered the bottle back. He wasn’t even trying to disguise his curiosity. Levi increased the level of his glare and snatched the bottle. He didn’t hesitate as he brought it to his lips and drank deeply. Naturally he refused to break eye contact with Erwin as he did so even though the blonde was looking _far_ too self-satisfied, because that would mean losing.

“Your cheeks are pink, you know,” Erwin said. “First time you share an indirect kiss with someone?”

“I swear, everything that comes out of your mouth is annoying as hell.”

“I think it’s important to tell you that I backwashed everything I’ve eaten in the past three days into that bottle just now.”

“You’re only proving my point even more.”

“And you’re still drinking it, you slut.”

Levi felt a grin trying to poke its way through his fake glare. He grabbed Erwin’s front. “Slut? I can show you slut.”

Erwin laughed. “We’re in public, you know.”

“That’s never stopped you before.”

“You’re still thinking about the restaurant aren’t you?”

Levi rolled his eyes. Of course he was. How could he _not_ be? Erwin of course was referring to their date.

When Levi had woken up yesterday he’d found Erwin looking at him, their fingers curled together. The blonde’s eyes had been flickering with shadows, but had brightened the moment after Levi opened his eyes, and had stayed bright and alive for all the time he was awake, but that one moment of darkness had bothered Levi. What had Erwin been thinking? It had to be his parents, but Erwin refused to mention them. A couple of times throughout the day Levi had tried to bring the topic up, but Erwin had curved the conversation around to something else each time. Levi had concluded that the man simply wasn’t ready to talk about it yet, and he respected that boundary. Christ knew how long it had taken himself to even mention Isabel and Farlan’s names. So he’d let it go and allowed himself to enjoy Erwin’s company. They’d gotten dressed, and Erwin had driven them to the next town over where a decent steakhouse actually existed. Levi had felt underdressed in the place, and he hadn’t been all too comfortable with all the stares he’d gotten. He knew what people were thinking when they saw him. “What’s this shrimp doing with a man like _that_?” But when Erwin noticed his discomfort and questioned it, he’d thought Levi’s explanation ridiculous. “Don’t be silly,” he’d said. “If anything they’re wondering why such a mysterious looking dark haired beauty is escorting an old codger into a restaurant when he clearly belongs in a nursing home.” That had made Levi laugh, and they’d spent the next few minutes pouring over the menu trying to find the softest foods possible fit for old man Erwin to eat. They only got sillier as time went on. Neither of them could blame alcohol, of course, because that was never supposed to happen again for either of them, but it seemed like they could grow intoxicated on each other’s presence alone. They’d migrated closer and closer as the meal went on, their feet tangling together beneath the table and their fingers linked beside the silverware. Levi’s appetite had roared to life after too many hours of not eating, and so Erwin had kept the wait staff busy bringing Levi a little of everything. They’d almost gotten kicked out though when Erwin had pulled Levi into his lap as he play shouted for Levi to spit out the steak he’d snatched from his plate. Levi, naturally, had refused, and said, with meat clenched between his teeth and a wicked smile on his lips “If you want it, come get it.”

That was the restaurant incident Erwin was referring to, and Levi was still pretending to treat it as a disgrace even though it was obvious to both of them that he’d loved every minute of it. It was in the car afterward that Erwin had ruffled his hair and Levi had said, “Thank you,” in a quiet mumble. Because even though they’d done a bunch of really embarrassing love sick things together, the restaurant was the first real “date” they’d had. (Levi didn’t count the picnic under the rising sun because dates that ended in death were eliminated by default.) But not only was it their first date, it was Levi’s _only_ date. He’d never had one before, and by the way Levi flushed as he’d muttered his thanks, Erwin had realized, and then Erwin had become a flushing mess too, and they’d sat there as if they were a couple of idiot teenagers until Levi leaned over and pecked Erwin on the cheek before saying, “Don’t we have a smelly flight to catch?”

Just thinking about it now made Levi want to cover his face and never come out. He split his time with Erwin between being embarrassed and being turned on and he wasn’t sure which part was the majority. The line moved up and that forced Erwin and Levi to move with it. Erwin, of course, made sure no one brushed against Levi, and Levi made sure he was touching as much of the blonde as he could.

“You ever see men our age act this way?” Erwin asked.

He was referring to the fact that Levi had pushed himself inside Erwin’s jacket to press his face against the warmth of his chest. It was a wonderful place to be, but there was something a little off, something in the air that was attempting to ruin the moment, but Levi concentrated hard on ignoring it.

“Act like what?” Levi said, voice muffled against the material of Erwin’s shirt as he feigned innocence.

Erwin wrapped his arms around Levi and pressed his mouth against Levi’s ear and nipped at the lobe. “Like we’re dying to fuck each other,” he whispered.

All of Levi’s blood rushed to his face. He forgot all about the disturbance in the air. As he clenched Erwin’s jacket tightly, the blonde let out a deep chuckle.

“Erwin…”

“What?” now it was Erwin feigning innocence. “Did I fucking stutter?”

Levi felt his knees go weak. He didn’t know why Erwin’s profanity turned him on so fiercely, but he did know there was a severe difference in usage. Levi’s filthy mouth was born from his irritation with the general population, but Erwin’s was a finely crafted weapon he could use to make Levi come completely undone.

“Stop...you can’t, or I’ll--”

“Get so fucking hard that you won’t stop your shit whining until I rip every damn piece of fabric from your body and fuck the ever living shit out of your desperate little hole?”

Levi’s legs turned to jelly, but Erwin’s arm wrapped around his waist tightly before he could fall. He yanked Levi up, his lips now cemented to his ear. Hot breath and a wet heaving mouth...Levi felt like he would die from it all.

“You want me so fucking bad,” Erwin hissed. His fingers twisted in Levi’s hair and pushed up against the small of his back. “Don’t you?”

“Yes…”

Levi’s voice barely avoided being a breathless moan.

“I can’t fucking hear you.”

“ _Yes_.”

“You want me to tear your ass to shreds?”

“Erwin--”

“Eat you out and stuff you full til you scream?”

“ _Erwin_ \--”

“Tell me. Use that fucking mouth of yours.”

“Want it...so bad.”

“Not good enough.”

“ _Please_.”

“Still not good enough.”

Erwin wrenched Levi’s face up and growled right into his mouth, his eyes cutting sapphires. “Looks like I’m going to have to put that pretty mouth to work. Train it to please me.”

Levi’s vision had become Erwin, and Erwin only. His head was swimming and his voice was just gasps. His body had annealed itself to the blonde’s front and he was so hard he might faint from it.

“Yes...let me--”

“Let you _what_?”

“Let me, with my mouth--”

“You want to suck me off? Want my leaking cock splitting you open through both ends?”

_“Yes.”_

“Want me to make a fucking mess?”

“ _Yes_.”

“Drown you in my cum and have you choke on it?”

“ _Fuck yes._ ”

“Filthy fucking animal,” Erwin spat, but he sounded pleased. “I’ll have to clean you up then, won’t I? Clean every fucking bit of you with my mouth. Make you scream from it.”

Levi had no breath left. He could only nod weakly as Erwin pressed Levi’s erection up against his thigh.

“I’ll erase everything from your mind but me, and how much you want my thick cock pulsing in you.”

“Want it. _Want it_.”

Erwin’s hand wrenched at his hair so that sharp pleasure sparked across his scalp and shot through his body. All over he was a trembling heat filled mess.

“How much do you want it?”

“I’ll do anything.”

“ _How much_?”

“Please Erwin—please just—“

Erwin crushed Levi against his chest in a hug that took all of his strength. Levi’s feverish mind couldn’t at first take in feelings of warmth and safety, his thoughts and body were tumbling and rushing over each other too much. But as more time passed and the constant strength remained, Levi’s mind began to fall from the high heights of stimulation back to more normal levels of functioning.

“Erwin?”

Erwin didn’t answer. He pressed his hand to the back of Levi’s hair and began to stroke. He was resting his cheek on top of Levi’s head and taking slow calming breaths. Levi felt himself begin to relax as well even though he was still vibrating with sexual energy and the need to tear Erwin’s clothes off.

“What happened?” Levi asked. “What was that? Why did you--?”

“Just…give me a second, Levi, okay? It’s a little hard to suddenly switch modes like this.”

_Switch? No no no. No switching. I liked where that was going._

“Like” was a little too tame a word to describe how Levi felt about Erwin’s sexy trash mouth, but he had other things to worry about aside from word choice—like why Erwin had stopped in the first place.

Erwin took several more breaths, and then, still holding Levi, eased them back into the line. Without Levi’s knowledge Erwin had shuffled them toward the side to let others pass ahead of them, but now they rejoined the boarding line.

“I’m so confused,” Levi said.

Sometimes it was easiest to just say what you felt.

Erwin took several more calming breaths, although when he looked down at Levi again his eyes were still burning.

“The woman with the baby is gone now,” he said.

“Baby? Woman? What are you—“

“There was a woman with a baby—a baby with a diaper loaded with the deadliest crap known to mankind, going by the smell at least. But she must have finally taken her kid to the bathroom to change because I don’t see them anywhere and the smell is finally gone.”

Levi waited for the words Erwin was speaking to make sense. He waited and waited. Slowly, like pouring milk into tea, comprehension began to spread through him. Feeling returned to his fingers. He pressed them against Erwin’s chest and slid their bodies apart like a creaky door. He stared into Erwin’s eyes and as he did he was trying to determine just how angry he should be.

“You…all of this, all of the words, and the language, and the everything…all that was for—it was a distraction?”

The words fell to the ground and bounced hard with a clatter. Erwin didn’t say anything. Levi finally settled on an emotion. Fury.

He grabbed Erwin by the color and wrenched his face down until they were level.

“You toyed with my emotions—manipulated me—and gave me this raging hard boner ALL FOR THE SAKE OF DISTRACTION?”

“Wait, Levi, that’s not—“

“You think you can just waltz around like god’s gift to sex and do whatever the fuck you want just because you’re so fucking hot that I could die from it? Is that what you think?”

“No! Levi, of course not!”

“Oh, look at me! I’m Erwin smith! I’ve got a smile brighter than a Crest commercial and a dick long enough to wrap around the Grand Canyon twice. I don’t need to resort to customary romantic courting rituals. I can just ruffle Levi’s hair and show off my butt and I’ll have him following me around like a lost puppy forever and always. I can do what I want when I want because everyone loves me and wants to get into my pants. I’ll never have to worry about anything, not even a bad hair day, because people, including Levi, would rather run over their own foot with a tank than do anything to make you do that fucking shitty pouty face that tears apart your insides and makes you regret your whole life. Erwin smith. The man so fucking smart he can see out of his own asshole. He doesn’t have to worry about making any bad decisions because he has so much control that I can’t get him to fuck me no matter how hard I try. Everyone trusts him and wants to marry him and I can’t even fucking blame them, but I can be jealous of them because I’m a petty ass person with abandonment and daddy issues who thinks that the best way to communicate with someone is to punch them in the dick repeatedly.”

“Levi—“

“Of course it has to be _me_ you choose to torture. Me who can’t stand depending on anyone. Me who wants nothing more than to stop causing trouble for people. Me who thought he just wanted to be alone where he couldn’t hurt anyone, but actually has some really deep seated moronic sap deposits, because _shit_ , the _thoughts_ I have. I’m so fucking embarrassed by them, and I can’t stop them, and the worst part of it all is that I don’t think I _want_ to stop them anymore. Because every time I think of you I—ugh—and you had the fucking balls to take that—to take this stupid fucking devotion and just twist it into whatever you need.“

“I swear Levi, that’s not—“

“You can have whoever you want, whenever you want, so why am I here? Why the fuck am I letting myself get sucked into this? Actually, I’m pretty sure it’s already too late for me, because I’m a _fucking idiot_ who lets his heart just—just fucking—you know what? Fuck you. Fuck every stupid thing about you. It’s like you were just crafted to be the most stupid fucking lovable thing on this entire—you know what? I don’t even like you. You’re an asshole for doing this to my mind, for making me, in just a few months…and you know what else? The day you finally go to try and fuck me I’m not going to let you. I’m gonna fucking cut you off and laugh in your face. And that’ll show you. Except…I’m not going to be able to cut you off, and that’s just going to piss me off _even the fuck more_. You shitty ass fucking—you stupid gorgeous—you—you—“

Erwin slapped his hand over Levi’s mouth.

“Levi. One more word. A single fucking one. And I’m going to get down on my knee and propose to you right now, on the spot, and I’ll mean every fucking word of it.”

The line around them had stopped moving. Levi’s outburst had prevented that. Several parents had their hands over their children’s ears but for the most part no one had bothered to do anything but gape. A couple had their cell phones out and appeared to be filming the scene, but Levi noticed none of that. Had a nuclear bomb gone off three feet behind him and peeled the skin of his face clean off he wouldn’t have noticed that either.

He couldn’t do anything—couldn’t even peel the hand off his mouth to express the appropriate level of shock. He was frozen, and he was frozen in the way only Erwin could ever get him.

Erwin sighed and slid his hand from Levi’s mouth to his cheek.

“Your anger is always so much cleaner and more beautiful than mine,” Erwin said.

Levi couldn’t understand. He _was_ angry, right? Than why was it that Erwin’s touch had never caused him an ache as deep and burning as it did in that moment?

Erwin’s thumb brushed across Levi’s mouth, pulling the bottom lip down and parting it enough to ensure that Levi’s breath rushed into his hand.

“I’m not going to lie, Levi. I did mean to provide a distraction at first. Obviously I just meant to engage you in conversation, just the usual stuff we do. But it didn’t stay that way, and it’s not because I know I can manipulate you, it’s because I got sucked into it. You say I have control, but Levi, it’s so complicated when it comes to you. Because when I’m with you, hold you, talk to you, I feel stronger than I’ve ever felt. Like I can cross desserts and build ships and protect everything important in the world. But I also feel so weak, Levi. Like the smallest thing, like a single dying flower, will bring me to tears. Or that I’ll be blown down in the lightest wind. I am both most in control and yet also most chaotic when I’m with you, and I’m starting to think that that will never change no matter how long I know you.”

Whatever space Levi had opened up between them, Erwin closed with tender arms and a soft trembling smile.

“So Levi, in response to your accusations, yes I am manipulative, and yes I know I’ve done bad things with that power, but no Levi. I don’t _want_ that with you. I want to be real. I want desperately to show you who I really am, and I think I’ve done that. I _know_ I’ve done that, at least in part, because never have I been this obscenely gross with anyone before. I didn’t even _know_ I was like this until you brought it out in me. Because you do that, Levi. Your power is that you bring out the truth in people. I think that’s why you and Hanji are such a good fit. She seeks truth in the world, and you pave the path for that to happen. You’re the most refreshing person I’ve ever met and that’s why, too often, and yet not often enough, I draw back, because I’m so afraid you’ll just see me as this hooded snake, ruthless and manipulative, and I don’t want that, not with you.

Erwin’s grip became tighter, and Levi needed that. He needed Erwin to hold him as tight as he could stand.

“I used to think I could use whatever tools I wanted, but now I don’t, not with you I don’t. So please, Levi. Believe me. I meant to draw your attention away from the stupid crappy baby, but I didn’t mean more than that. It’s becauseI’m _not_ in control that this happened. It’s because I get swept away with you, breathless and alive, and I can’t get myself to stop, or rather, don’t see the point in stopping, so that—“

This time it was Levi who clapped his hand over Erwin’s mouth.

_These feelings… so strong that they’re dangerous. What are we going to do with them?_

Levi wondered if he was looking at Erwin the way the other man was looking at him—soft enough to break, with a lost kind of longing that knew exactly what it wanted but didn’t know if the world was ready to have it yet. They looked at each other, and that was when Levi realized that space was different when he was with Erwin. It tended to bend and wrap around them. That explained how the rest of the world so easily faded when they were talking. He had always thought that phenomenon was because of the strength of Erwin’s personality. He’d thought himself blinded by charm. But he wasn’t blinded. His eyes were open wider than he’d always thought was safe. It was just the space that was different, pulling him toward Erwin while his heart knitted time together to make their lives one. Above them the call for boarding was announced. Erwin and Levi linked their fingers together. Levi wondered what Erwin’s heart sounded like and if it was as peaceful and safe as his was.

“Every morning since I’ve met you I’ve woken up and told myself I was being an idiot,” Erwin said. “I used a lot of excuses. “It can’t be real,” “You’re too old,” “He’s not interested.” “It’s not ethical.” “It’s just your body.” There was so many reasons, and they all seemed so valid. But you know what, Levi? I’m starting to think that a valid truth can change, and that a more valid truth can wipe another one from existence. I may be an idiot for this, but it’s the best kind of idiocy I’ve ever had.”

Levi was squeezing their fingers together hard—hard enough to make marks, but Erwin didn’t seem to notice—maybe because he was squeezing back just as hard.

“You’re even more embarrassing than I am,” Levi whispered.

“I’m allowed to kiss you now, right?” Erwin asked. “Even though I promised I would behave today.”

“It would be a crime if you didn’t,” Levi said. “And I would never forgive you.”

“You’re giving me no other choice.”

“Having options can be overrated.”

“I only need you.”

“What you need is to get better lines.”

And then Erwin kissed him, slowly touching his mouth with the kind of trembling quality that’s usually reserved for long awaited first kisses. And it was a first kiss, of sorts, because it was the first time Erwin had given Levi one that felt like there was nothing that could, or should, stop it.

“When you graduate the program, Levi…will you let me make love to you?”

The words were whispered against his lips, each one a kiss in itself, and Levi’s fullness made him crack and leak all the smiles his body had never given him the opportunity to share.

“I take it back,” Levi said. His fingers were on Erwin’s face, in his hair and sliding between his eyes. “You’re not smart. I’ve never heard a stupider question in my life.”

“Is that a yes?”

Erwin was breathless and happier than Levi had ever seen him. Levi hoped that Erwin had looked this way before, even if he hadn’t been the one to cause it, because an Erwin this happy was the most immutably precious thing that Levi’s eyes had ever let him see.

“Of course it is, asshole. What else could it be?”

But they were already kissing again, the words candy on their lips. And even though Erwin claimed not to have a sweet tooth, the words made a liar out of him, as he swallowed them down like he would never taste anything sweeter. And Levi melted, right there in the middle of the airport, in Erwin’s arms. He didn’t think himself weak for it. How could he? There were no germs. No people. No anything except the strength that flooded him. In that moment he felt like humanities’ strongest.

\--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> was I supposed to post this as its own chapter? NO.  
> Am I doing it anyway even though it's really short? YES  
> Why? because I'm a ginormous sap and I just had to throw this out into the world the second I finished writing it before I could doubt myself and hide it away forever.  
> This is it folks. This is the chapter that will make you lock me in a box and never let me come out to touch my laptop's keys again.  
> I AM SO ASHAMED HOW CAN I WRITE THIS STUFF WITHOUT TRANSFORMING INTO A GIANT GLITTERY TURD.   
> I'm sorry but I'm not sorry. I accept the responsibility for these dorks. You may stone me if you wish.  
> Note: The fluff often comes before the storm --( ancient fanfiction proverb)  
> This isn't the happy ending for these two yet. stay tuned for more gay and more angst.


	20. Chapter 20

Chapter 20:

The soft beep of the airplane’s intercom system did nothing to rouse Levi from the hazy drifting state he was in, and so the words of the pilot advising people that the seatbelt sign would be going on soon as they arrived closer to their destination were entirely lost on him, snuggled as he was in Erwin’s side. The blonde’s arm was wrapped around Levi’s shoulders, and had been since they’d first sat down in their seats. Levi had not thought to question Erwin’s comfort with this arrangement because he’d fallen asleep only moments after they’d first sat down, and Erwin had not taken issue with it—until now. Gentle fingers knotted in his hair.

“We’re going to be landing soon, Levi. Do you want me to scrub down your seatbelt?”

Levi tried to blink himself awake, but it wasn’t working. He was too comfortable, and Erwin was too warm. He snuggled in a little deeper and breathed in the smell of the man he’d come to recognize as implicitly as he did Hanji.

He heard a chuckle and then the fingers touched his face, stroking his cheek.

“You don’t need to wake up, sugarplum. I just need an answer to the question.”

“Don’t call me sugarplum,” Levi mumbled. “Or I’ll kick my foot up the hole in your dick.”

A laugh this time, brighter than the chuckle. “I thought that would get more of a reaction.”

“Shithead.”

“Banana muffin.”

Levi shoved at Erwin’s shoulder, finally awake. “We really need to work on your insult capabilities.”

“That wasn’t supposed to be an insult. You’re an adorable muffin.”

“I hate you so much.”

“Liar.”

Levi buried himself more effectively in Erwin’s body, wrapping the man’s arms around himself while resting his head against Erwin’s chest. Any closer and he’d be in the blonde’s lap. He was smiling like a douche, so he hid his face in Erwin’s shirt. No one had to know how big of a sap he was.

“I can feel you smiling.”

“Shut up.”

“I love it.”

“ _Shut up_.”

“You still have to put on your seatbelt, you know.”

“Later,” Levi said. It was very important that he hold Erwin now, and he couldn’t do that properly with his seatbelt on. The thing was, though he was extraordinarily happy, he was also just a touch afraid because he’d already made a decision that he planned to keep no matter what.

He’d constructed the plan in the few seconds it had taken before he’d fallen asleep against Erwin. He’d decided that when he got back to the center he was saying good bye. He was done there. When he’d walked onto the plane he’d gone right to his seat and sat down. He hadn’t stopped to clean anything first, and he’d felt no panic. Yes, he realized, that the perfect invincibility he’d felt was because of the ridiculous moment he’d shared with Erwin in the boarding line, and that he couldn’t expect to feel that way all the time. But it was enough to show him that he could definitely survive out in the world, especially if he had Erwin there, whose presence reminded him that there were so many reasons to fight to be free of the germs. He hadn’t told Erwin yet, of course. It was a surprise. And though he was a little nervous about it, he was a lot more excited than nervous.

“Told you that you were a cuddler,” Erwin said. He had his cheek resting on Levi’s hair.

“ _You’re_ the gross cuddler. I’m just a hostage in this situation.”

“Keep telling yourself that, little kitten.”

“I will.”

“I want to eat your face.”

“Cannibal.”

“Don’t worry, you’ll thoroughly enjoy the experience.”

“In that case, bon appetit.”

Erwin took a play bite out of his neck and Levi pretended to hate it while secretly opening his neck up wider for further consumption.

“What happened to eating my face?”

“I got thirsty, and all the best blood vessels are in your neck.”

“You’re always a thirsty bitch, Erwin.”

“Takes one to know one.”

That was the cue Levi was waiting for because it gave him the excuse to twist his head and bite into Erwin’s neck in retaliation, only he didn’t plan on fighting fair. The moment his lips closed around the creamy expanse of Erwin’s neck he began to suck a bruising kiss into the flesh.

“Shit,” Erwin hissed. “Behave yourself, Mr. Ackerman.”

Levi lifted his mouth and licked the poor abused spot. “Like you’ve got any right to complain after the scene you caused in the airport.”

“The scene _I_ caused?”

He shoved Levi’s face away. Levi grinned and caught Erwin’s wrist in his hand.

“You heard me.”

He raised Erwin’s hand to his mouth and sucked on the webbing between the man’s thumb and forefinger. Erwin smacked him and snatched his hand back--an entirely satisfying gesture.

“It takes two to tango, you little cretin.”

Levi smirked. He realized he had a new hobby--flustering Erwin. It was getting easier and easier to do, and now he finally understood why the blonde so enjoyed teasing him.

Erwin smacked him again, on his thigh. And Levi found he was quite enjoying the abuse. The next time Erwin tried it Levi had already decided he would clamp the man’s hand between his legs, and keep it there until the blonde begged for mercy. However, once again Erwin demonstrated his scary ability to read minds when he shot a faux glare at Levi.

“Go ahead and try it, I’ll get you back twice as bad later.”

“In private?” Levi asked, pushing his hand up Erwin’s thigh.

Erwin didn’t attempt to stop Levi, which was a shame because he’d really been looking forward to trapping the man’s hand.

“Your blooming sensuality is going to be a real nuisance, isn’t it?”

“I just realized that I might be a slut, too,” Levi said.

The truth could be a blessing.

Erwin groaned. “Great.”

Just then a child who couldn’t be older than three or four, jostled Erwin’s armrest as he raced down the aisle. A couple of seconds later an even smaller body toddled past going after him. It had to be the boy’s little sister. Levi’s eyes went to Erwin’s face and he saw the way his expression relaxed into a smile. That’s when he realized.

“You want little brats, don’t you?”

“What?” Erwin asked, ripping his eyes away from the two children who were now in a heap on the floor at the end of the aisle.

The man was worse at hiding things than he himself was.

“Kids,” Levi said. “You want them.”

Erwin shrugged. “I guess so.” His eyes went right back to the playing kids. Now their mother was there scolding them and dragging them back to their seats.

Levi smiled and nudged Erwin’s shoulder. “Sooo obvious.”

“As obvious as your thirst for my dick?”

“Please. Nothing’s _that_ obvious.”

“All right. _Yes_. I do want kids. Go ahead and make fun of the big gay wannabe dad.”

Levi reached up and tugged on a strand of Erwin’s hair. “Nope. I don’t think I will.”

“And why’s that?”

“Because you’d make a great dad.”

Erwin quirked his head to the side. “What makes you say that?”

_Um...everything?_

Whether it was the way Erwin cared for the kids at the center, or the gentle way he used his hands on Levi, it was clear that every word and action was prime material for raising children. Even a guy with as many daddy issues as Levi could see that.

But Levi didn’t explain all that. He only touched Erwin’s nose before leaning his head back on the man’s chest. “You just would be.”

Erwin’s hand went to Levi’s hair. Levi was pretty sure the response had become an automatic instinct, and he couldn’t express how happy that fact made him.

It was quiet for a couple of moments as both watched the two children quietly sneak away from their mother again.

“Were you and Mike going to adopt?” Levi asked. He still wasn’t sure how much he was allowed to pry. He’d never been good at figuring out things like tact, but Erwin knew that, and could stop his questions if he wanted.

“Probably,” Erwin said. “We both loved kids.”

“He was a schoolteacher right? I remember that picture you showed me.”

“The one you flipped the out over?”

Levi flushed at the memory. “I’m really sorry about that.”

“Don’t be. It was the first time I realized you actually had it bad for me.”

“You’re so fucking full of it.”

“Hush. Deal with my interpretation of your actions.”

Levi crunched his face into a growly expression and muttered, “Okay, so maybe I did have it bad for you.”

“No need for the past tense there, Levi.”

“Shut up.”

“You tell me that a lot.”

“It’s because you say embarrassing things.”

“But I don’t lie.”

“No,” Levi had to admit. “You don’t.”

“So every time you say shut up it’s you admitting that I’m right?”

“I didn’t say that!”

“It’s true though.”

“Shut up.”

Erwin smiled, looking so pleased that Levi couldn’t help smiling a bit back. Erwin pressed the back of his hand to Levi’s cheek.

“You’d make a good dad too.”

“Whatever drugs you’re taking you should stop.”

“I’m not kidding, Levi. You’d probably be a better dad than me.”

“I’m serious, Erwin. Drugs are bad for your junk.”

“Come on. Just imagine it for a second.”

Erwin covered Levi’s eyes.

“This is such baloney horseshit,” Levi muttered, but dutifully closed his eyes and waited.

“Okay. It’s six thirty a.m. and you’ve just gotten up.“

“Why the fuck would I ever be up at such an ungodly—“

“ssshhhh you’re a dad now. You’re on dad time.”

“I really don’t like where this is going.”

Erwin used his other hand to grab Levi’s.

“Just listen,” he said and linked their fingers together.

That was a bit distracting, but Levi wanted to please so he went back to concentrating.

“You’ve just gotten up and made yourself a cup of tea.”

“Is it black tea?”

“It’s whatever tea you want, so shut your face.”

Levi couldn’t help smirking a bit. “Okay so I have my tea. Now what?”

“You’re standing in your kitchen. It’s sparking clean after the cleanup you did before you headed to bed last night. The counters still smell like Lysol and the air is light in your lungs.”

Levi leaned into the hand on his face a little. He had to admit the image was kind of relaxing.

“You go to stand in front of the kitchen window. It’s on the second floor and you look down to see your backyard covered with snow. There’s the cherry tree that makes those awful little sour berries nobody can stand to eat, but that you refuse to chop down just because of moments like this when the bare limbs are heavy with snow, and it muffles the quiet of everything around you. There are small footprints in the snow leading across the backyard made by some little woodland creature maybe a squirrel or a chipmunk. Vaguely you hope it isn’t raccoons because you’re not sure if you remembered to close the garbage cans outside properly and you don’t need them spewing a mess across the side path before the sanitation workers can get that shit into the trucks.”

“You know you were creating a very nice atmosphere there and then you completely ruined it,” Levi said in a harrumph-y kind of old man voice.

“I’m just trying to be realistic,” Erwin said and pressed the back of Levi’s hand to his face. “I’m not going to sugarcoat the whole parent thing. And I wasn’t done either, so go back to being a cute quiet muffin.”

“I am _not_ a—“

“Shhhh. So you’re by the window and just looking at this snow and it’s so quiet. Oh—do you want a husband in this little imagery we’re making, or do you want to be cool single dad?”

Levi blushed, and he didn’t know why. “Don’t ask me! This is _your_ shitty little mental exercise.”

Not being able to see Erwin’s expression was making his embarrassment worse. He had no idea what kind of face the man was making. But then he heard a laugh and that helped.

“Just pick one.”

“Fine. I have a husband.”

Levi knew he’d chosen the wrong answer right away, but it was too late to go back.

“Ooh. Is he hot?”

“Shut up.”

“That means yes. You’re a lucky guy, Levi.”

“It doesn’t mean yes!”

“What’s he like in bed?”

Levi knew he was beat red, but there wasn’t anything he could do about that.

“Very very shitty, now go away.”

“Hmm…well I guess it’s a good thing you adopted your kids in that case.”

“Can we please stop talking about my imaginary husband?”

“No. There’s gotta be some reason you married him. Something good enough that overwhelms his horrible sex skills.”

“There’s nothing. I was forced into the marriage at gunpoint.”

“Yeah right. With your martial arts skills? I don’t think so.”

“What do you know about that anyway?”

“Well I watched some YouTube videos…”

“Oh god.”

“ _Very_ impressive, Levi.”

“Please throw yourself out one of the windows.”

“I can’t. Won’t fit.”

Levi groaned.

“I didn’t even know the human body could move like that,” Erwin mused, back to talking about the dreaded videos. “I’m not going to lie, it made me very curious about what sex with you can be like.”

Levi had been red before. He really had been. But now he was at nuclear meltdown status.

“Very shitty,” Levi said again.

Erwin finally removed his hand, and now Levi could see that he was frowning.

“Why would you say that?”

“Because both times I had sex I ended up passing out from panic attacks.”

He’d never told anyone that before. Even Hanji. To her he’d said that it had been very unpleasant, but he hadn’t mentioned the passing out part. He didn’t know why he said it now either, he just knew that he really didn’t like lying to Erwin.

Erwin’s eyes blew out wide. “Levi…”

That was it. Erwin would forever see him as a freak now, even though he was getting so much better now.

_All you ever do is stuff your feet into your mouth. It’s like your favorite fucking hobby or something._

Erwin’s hands fumbled to grab hold of him. Levi was already looking down at his lap.

_Stupid stupid stupid._

“Levi, I’m—those fucking _bastards_. Are you okay? I mean, obviously you weren’t okay with it at the time, but—shit. I’ve been so inappropriate since I’ve known you. I didn’t stop to think whether you were traumatized by sex. I just assumed it was something distasteful to you because of the germs. I don’t know the story but it sounds like rape, and Christ, Levi, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know. I didn’t. And I kissed you right on that first day. I’m surprised you didn’t have a panic attack just from that. It’s so—“

“Wait. Whoa. What the fuck are you talking about?”

Because Erwin was panicked and shaking and his eyes were darting all over the place as if he was trying to fix the mess with just the objects in the room around them.

“Why are you apologizing, Erwin? I was just an idiot back then. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“But I—“

“Just listen, okay? It’s your turn to listen.”

Erwin looked like he was straining to speak. His neck chords were all defined, and everything, but he swallowed whatever he wanted to say, and nodded. Levi made sure Erwin was looking at him before he continued.

“I made a lot of mistakes in my past. One of them was trying to pretend that I didn’t have any issues and that everything could be overcome with brute force. I tried to have sex with people I cared nothing about in the hopes that I could pretend to be normal. It didn’t work. The people I slept with knew nothing about my germ phobia. It wasn’t their fault.”

Erwin was still breathing hard. He’d only ever seen four people look that worried about him, and two of them were dead. It was a surprise. He felt an overwhelming need to calm the man in front of him. He took hold of both of Erwin’s hands.

“Not your fault,” he repeated. “And you never caused me discomfort. If anything you’ve been the opposite. My shield, remember? You protect me from the germs.”

Erwin was beginning to calm down, but his eyes were still panicked.

“Don’t worry about any kisses or touches you ever gave me. I remember the first day I met you with distinct clarity. I was in trouble, at the very bottom of the fucking barrel. And you came in and then things changed. I won’t ever forget that, Erwin. I won’t forget you, or what you did for me.”

“I didn’t do much…”

“You were there, consistently. Always, actually. And you stayed with me, and instinctively knew what to do, and cared enough to figure it out, and had so much more fucking patience than I can ever hope to have.”

“It wasn’t selfless. I wanted to be there.”

“And I wanted you to be there too. That doesn’t change what you did.”

“You’re making me out to be a hero when I’m not.”

“And your false modesty is pissing me off.”

“I’m not being modest.”

“I’m saying thank you. Accept it. God knows I don’t do it often enough.”

Erwin pulled on Levi’s hands and pressed them against his chest.

“Fine. You’re welcome. But you gave me more than I gave you.”

“All I gave you was a pain in the ass.”

“Now who’s choking on false modesty?”

“Excuse your testicles, assface, I don’t even have the word modest in my vocabulary.”

“So then how do you know how to use it?”

“Lucky guess.”

“Does your imaginary husband know about these gaps in your vocabulary?”

Levi blinked and then he laughed. Above them the ‘fasten your seatbelt’ sign came on and flight attendants began to patrol the aisles in order to enforce it.

“My imaginary husband is an idiot.”

“But you love him?”

“I decided to raise kids with him, didn’t I?”

Erwin’s brow furrowed. “Damn it. Now I’m jealous of a figment of imagination.”

“You’re an even bigger idiot than he is.”

“Tell me that at least I have the bigger dick.”

“You don’t. I can’t even ride his, it’s so big.”

“Damn it!”

“It’s as thick as my wrist.”

“Holy fuck.”

“It’s why our sex sucks. I can’t even get it in my mouth.”

“I can’t listen to this. My self-esteem can’t handle it.”

“Good. If there’s anyone on this planet who needs to get the chip on his shoulder knocked off it’s you.”

“You’re too cruel, Levi.”

“I’m not done.”

“Please spare me.”

“No way. You’re going to learn why you shouldn’t make me do shitty mental exercises.”

“I knew the pit of dread in my gut was trying to tell me something…”

Levi leaned forward into Erwin’s space.

“He’s a glassblower.”

“Oh no.”

“That’s right. The irresistible artistic type. There’s also the metaphorical associations with his job to consider.”

“He gives good blowjobs doesn’t he?”

“The best. It’s the only kind of sex we can have, after all.”

“Is this asshole glassblower also good at his non-sex related blowing work?”

“Incredible. He has steadier hands than buddha himself.”

Levi was inventing wildly, his ideas spurned on by the pout on Erwin’s face.

“He makes all kinds of things, but every week he makes one of these incredibly intricate flowers. We’re talking glass as thin as vapor, here, and the colors he uses are just as delicate as the craftsmanship itself. They look like actual flowers frozen in ice. And every week he gives that flower to me. He never makes others for anyone else. Never even puts them on display in the art galleries. He saves his best work for me, because I’m the most important.”

Levi was expecting Erwin to laugh or to make more exaggerated jealous faces, but instead Erwin’s face softened, the creases in the corner of his eyes filling with wonder as he said, “Yes. Yes you are.”

And that ruined everything. Of course it did. Because now Levi’s imaginary husband had been replaced, and now he was back in that stupid kitchen with his tea and the snow covered backyard, but someone was there with him, wrapping his arm around his waist. It was a strong arm with familiar warmth, Erwin’s arm. And Levi had the back of his head pushed against the blonde’s chest as Erwin murmured a sleepy good morning to him and pressed a soft kiss right behind his ear. Levi twisted around to get more of those arms, of that man, but then around the corner a head peeped. It looked sort of like a baby Armin. So cute. Except not quite. It was a miniature Erwin. Levi’s heart swelled too big, but Erwin’s arms around him kept it from leaving his chest. He knelt down and held out his arms and the little thing toddled closer, but stopped halfway. Levi felt his heart stretch out, reaching past his arms to reach the small child. The love was so much larger than himself, and there would always be more of it. _What is it_? he asked the little thing. Mini-Erwin baby’s eyes were so large, like they were trying to learn everything by sucking it straight in. Mini-Erwin baby shook his head and then spun back around toddling back to the doorway. Levi felt an ache of emptiness with the increasing distance. But then he realized what mini-Erwin baby had gone back for. There was crying. A lot of it. Unattractive whiney bawling. And then Mini-Erwin baby appeared with another child. A tiny little almost ugly thing with a face swollen and puffy with crying. Snot swung down from its nose and coated its cheeks, and Mini-erwin baby was holding its hand. Not it, her. She was beautiful, and she was Levi’s daughter. She was the grossest, germiest thing he’d ever seen, but his arms only opened farther as the girl let go of Mini-Erwin baby and flung herself forward to bury her snot covered face in his chest. And then there was another wider set of arms there; Erwin was holding all four of them. Their daughter was squirming, still crying, and little Mini-Erwin baby had started to whimper too, but then Erwin lifted all of them straight up into his arms and kissed their heads and said in a voice that never lost its humor, _Come on. It’s time to burn some breakfast for everyone._

Levi’s face lost all of its color. _Oh shit._

He’d really done it this time.

_Stop it. No. You’re ruining me. Already I’m no good for anyone else. I don’t want anyone else. Why would you do this? Why do you do this to me you stupid asshole geezer._

Levi dropped his head to Erwin’s shoulder.

“I could maybe be a father if I had--if someone else was there to balance out my neurosis. I could maybe handle, just barely, if—if I had…”

Erwin’s body, his breath, his hands, were all there, holding him, pulling him in like he belonged, like he _had_ to be there.

“I don’t want to play the game anymore,” Levi croaked.

_Because it doesn’t feel like one._

“You don’t have to, Levi.”

Erwin’s lips were in his hair.

“You don’t have to.”

But he _wanted_ to. He just didn’t want it to be a game.

“I’m never going to get married anyway,” Levi said. “Marriage is stupid.”

“It can be.”

“Some fucking ring or a court paper doesn’t change anything.”

“Of course it doesn’t.”

Levi’s hands were too tight in Erwin’s shirt. He was angry at himself for how hard he was breathing. But Erwin’s hands were there carding through his hair and that was something to focus on.

“It’s all right, Levi.”

_Of course it is. I’m just being stupid._

“Excuse me, but in case you haven’t noticed, the seat belt sign has been on for several minutes now.”

Levi flinched at the sudden intrusion. But Erwin did not appear shaken by the unfamiliar voice. His hands never stopped their motions. “I’ve noticed, ma’am. We’ll put them on momentarily.”

“Please do, because you’re the _last_ ones who haven’t, and airline regulations dictate—“

“Yes, ma’am. In just a moment.”

“I don’t think you fully understand, sir. The plane has already begun its descent—“

“And I am fully aware of what that means. My partner and I will put them on in just a moment.”

There was steel in Erwin’s voice now, but since it didn’t come with an increase in volume Levi couldn’t be sure that anyone but himself heard it. He blushed.

_My partner and I…_

He quickly disentangled himself from Erwin’s arms and reached for his seatbelt.

“It’s okay, Erwin. I’m fine.”

“Are you sure? Because I don’t want you to feel pressured into an attack just because—“

“I’m _fine_.”

He snapped his seat belt closed, and then reached over and snapped Erwin’s shut as well.

He glanced up at the flight attendant, who glared down at him.

“What? They’re on, aren’t they?”

She sniffed and walked away.

Erwin was clenching his jaw muscles. Levi flicked his ear lobe.

“You’re going to give yourself wrinkles if you keep crumpling your forehead like that.”

“She didn’t have to be so—“

“She was doing her job. You’re just seeing her as a threat because she was overriding your shield boundaries.”

“She could’ve been _a little_ more accommodating.”

“You could have been too.”

Erwin processed that for a moment and then broke out in a smile. Considering Levi had been expecting more frowning, he was surprised.

“What?” he grumbled, pissed that his first disciplinary technique had ended in complete failure.

“I never expected to be lectured by _you_ about the importance of being polite.”

“You’re so annoying.”

“Thankfully, you won’t be trapped with me much longer.”

_We’ll see about that_ , Levi thought.

When the plane bumped down on the tarmac Levi’s hand gripped Erwin’s tightly. It wasn’t that he was afraid of flying--quite the opposite. It was just that he hated being trapped in a giant steel death box he had no control over.

“You know, plane travel is almost a hundred times safer than car travel, Levi.”

Levi increased his squeezing to ‘death by constriction’ levels.

“I have a very nice place you can stick that statistic, Erwin.”

“Uh oh. Is it the same place you told me to stick my kitten socks earlier?”

“The very same.”

The plane finally came to a halt. Levi didn’t let go of Erwin’s hand, but he did stop strangling it.

“We’ll wait until everyone’s gotten off, okay?”

“I’m not made of porcelain, Erwin. We don’t need to—“

“Who said it’s for your sake? I hate having people’s asses in my face as they get their luggage down from the compartments.”

Levi squinted his eyes at Erwin, searching for the lie, but Erwin just smiled at him, completely at ease.

_The little turd…_

Erwin was still smiling. And then, to make it worse, he opened his seatbelt and held his arms out for Levi, who hesitated.

It was either his pride or his perversion at stake.

“I promise to make your wait worthwhile,” Erwin said.

_Oh now I_ know _he’s lying_ , Levi thought. Because Erwin was giving him bedroom eyes.

_You just want to distract me again_ ,

But it was different this time, because going by the blonde’s smirk, Erwin knew that Levi knew what he was doing, and he didn’t give a damn.

_Fuck it_ , Levi thought and opened his seatbelt. He climbed straight into Erwin’s lap.

“You’re a frozen pot of piss, you know that?”

“I can’t hear you over the sound of my victory.”

Levi hated how hard it was for him to get annoyed at the man. He straddled either side of Erwin, and slid the blonde’s hands down to his waist.

“I’m going to make you regret this decision,” Levi said.

“That’s what I was hoping you’d say.”

Levi pressed his front against Erwin’s and angled his head down. Erwin’s mouth was already rising to meet his.

“What happened to behaving?” Levi asked.

“Shut up.”

“Does it also mean ‘yes’ when you say it?”

“It means shut up and kiss me, idiot.”

Now there was something Levi could get on board with. The other man seemed completely serious too. His fingers were tightening on the waist of Levi’s jeans, impatient.

_The more control I get, the less he seems to have._ Levi mused. _Maybe he sees it. Maybe he knows I’m healthy enough to take the reins too. Maybe he knows it’s different now._

The thoughts made his heart beat faster, a happy excited rhythm.

_Or maybe he’s just too horny to care._

Levi felt an indulgent smile pull at his stomach.

_I can handle that too._

He cradled Erwin’s face in his hands, teasing the man, holding him back. It was nice to see Erwin squirm even though he knew that made him a pest. Erwin refused to satisfy Levi, though. He didn’t bite his lip or hiss or beg. He just flashed Levi with those burning eyes. Daring him not to succumb.

_You know how irresistible you are…and that only makes you more irresistible._

Levi dropped one of his hands to Erwin’s shirt and lazily flicked open the first two buttons. Erwin retaliated by smoothing his hands down from Levi’s waist to his thighs, and spreading his legs a little wider.

_You’re better at this than I am,_ Levi admitted. _But I know I can still drive you crazy._

He touched his fingers to Erwin’s collarbone and began to trace it with the tips of his fingers. And then with just the barest motions, so small it was imperceptible to anyone around them, Levi began to rock his hips just enough to cause trace amounts of friction.

Erwin’s eyes flashed brighter

“You little shit,” he whispered, and Levi felt a thrill flash up his spine. Because Erwin’s eyes were issuing a challenge.

_Bring it_ , Levi’s eyes told him back.

And Erwin did.

His hands tightened in Levi’s thighs, digging his fingers in enough that it was almost as if there wasn’t denim separating them, and then Erwin lifted his own hips and began to rock upward with the same tiny motions that, though practically unnoticeable, were easily enough to drive Levi stark raving mad.

Without even saying anything, Levi understood the object of this little battle. First one to orgasm was the loser.

_We can’t. This is_ insane _. We’re in broad daylight with the whole world around us._

But neither of them was backing down.

_I’m going to make him cum_.

Levi didn’t set his mind to too many things, but when he did he became a paragon of stubbornness.

_I’m going to make him break his silence. I’m going to make him lose control._

Levi lowered his mouth until it was pressed to Erwin’s ear. He had a little experiment to try.

It was true that his own weakness to dirty talking was known, but Erwin wasn’t immune either. That had been made clear in the airport. But Levi also implicitly understood that there was a difference in their vulnerabilities. Levi came undone when Erwin, a man usually so kind and eloquent, broke down all barriers and let the gates of filth spill from his mouth. But Erwin was used to Levi’s language. It wasn’t those kinds of words that did the man in. No, the reason Erwin had lost it in the airport was because of one thing: Levi’s reactions. Levi knew that he wasn’t usually the most expressive of individuals, but he also knew that he was far different with Erwin than he was with anyone else. Only Erwin could pull those horrifically embarrassing sounds from him, and those were the very sounds he had to make right now.

Levi was glad that the plane around them was hum of activity as people shouted and shoved their way out of the plane, because even though he would be whispering, what he was about to do was for Erwin’s ears only, and he knew he would die a mortified death if anyone else happened to overhear.

Levi took Erwin’s earlobe between his teeth, hot breath spilling out. He closed his lips around it and flicked out his tongue.

_“Erwin…”_ he murmured. “Want you.”

He rocked his hips down slightly harder. “Want you so bad.”

The effect was immediate. He felt Erwin stiffen beneath him and his breath speed up. But Levi had a lot more up his sleeve.

He let Erwin’s earlobe drop and flicked his tongue deeper. And then, quiet as he was capable, Levi let out a soft wet moan.

Levi had felt the rush of success many times over in the past couple of months, but he doubted any had been so flush with heady ecstasy as now when he felt a thick burning heat against him that said, in no uncertain terms, that Erwin was painfully and deliciously hard.

Naturally, Levi was hard as well, and his erection wasn’t feeling particularly selfless either. It was crying out for attention in a way that was difficult to ignore. But Levi was feeling strong because he knew he could win this.

_Going to make you a shivering puddle of lust beneath me_.

He wrapped his arms around Erwin’s neck, pressing their bodies together more effectively.

_Going to show you how little your remaining control means to me. Going to make that poker face melt._

He let Erwin hear his breath, heavy and labored, mixed in with soft moans and short sudden gasps.

“Use me,” he whispered. “Touch me, _take me_.”

He felt Erwin’s hips snap up a little too strongly. Already the blonde was crumbling.

_Too easy_ …

Power flooded Levi, and he was getting dizzy with it, or maybe that was his own lust, because he’d been so distracted in making Erwin come undone that he hadn’t realized how turned on his own body was getting. He could feel his blood beating hard in his veins and roaring in his ears like the sound of applause—approval for what was happening.

“ _Please_ ,” he whispered, and heard Erwin’s quiet groan in response. “I’ll do _anything_ to get you inside me.”

Furtively, Levi snuck several of his fingers down into the space between their bodies and pressed down on Erwin’s crotch. “ _Anything_.”

Erwin grabbed Levi’s wrist and yanked his hand back up. Levi looked down at him with a smirk that clearly said he regretted nothing. Erwin wrenched Levi’s face down and pushed his heaving mouth hard against Levi’s ear.

“I have made a terrible mistake,” he hissed. “But fuck knows that if I’m going down I’m taking you there with me.”

Unfortunately it looked like Erwin was right, because even though Levi knew he was doing a hella good job in destroying Erwin’s sanity, he knew he was on a spiraling pit down into his own mental collapse. The biggest problem was that turning Erwin on was easily becoming _his_ biggest turn on. It was something he hadn’t predicted, but looked blindingly obvious in hindsight.

_This is why Erwin said he got sucked in. Seeing him like this is…addicting._

But Levi doubted they could do anything about an Erwin addiction down at the center, so he’d have to live with it, maybe even for the rest of his life. But no. This thing with Erwin—it wasn’t addiction. It couldn’t be. Because Levi’s dependence on alcohol had been just that—a dependency. But right now he was slave to nothing and no one. His body was his own to master and set free. The only thing similar was the sharp rush of endorphins. Levi felt his abdomen beginning to ache as pressure began to build. He shoved his hands into Erwin’s hair and yanked the man’s face back. Erwin’s neck was long and beautiful and Levi wanted to paint it with his tongue.

Levi knew he didn’t have much coherency left in him. If he was going to do this he had to deliver the finishing blow _now._ So he let his hands slide down to Erwin’s neck and pushed his mouth right to Erwin’s, their lips just barely brushing as their breath heaved out of them.

“I’m going to show you a new world, Erwin smith,” he whispered. He let his mouth close over the blonde’s bottom lip for just a hint of a second but retracted before Erwin could cover his mouth over his. “One I’ve never let anyone see before.”

He let his nails scratch down Erwin’s neck.

“Back at the hotel room, when you were driving me crazy…you might have wondered, even if it was just for a second, who else I’d done anything with; how far I’ve gone. But Erwin, there’s many things I’ve never done before. That day, with just your thigh against my crotch, you were able to do what no one else has done: make me come. Even I don’t know what I look like when I orgasm, Erwin. Only you do.”

Erwin’s breaths were jerky and shallow, and his eyes were pinned to Levi.

_Let’s turn it up a notch._

He pulled one of Erwin’s hands up from his thighs and pushed a finger from it into his mouth. Slowly he pushed each of Erwin’s fingers past his lips in turn, sucking on the tips and flicking the webbing between them with his tongue. Erwin’s fingers were a lot thicker than his were. Hands, of course, were usually one of the dirtiest parts of the body. They were what interacted with the world after all. Levi had never had another person’s fingers in his mouth, until now.

When he’d saturated every one of Erwin’s fingers he pulled the last one from his mouth, the sound slick and lewd. Then he pulled up the edge of his t-shirt and slipped Erwin’s hand onto his torso, pushing it up under the fabric until the fingers of it brushed over one of his nipples. Levi shuddered. He was struggling to pull in his own breath now.

“Right now if we—together—if we climax together then that’ll…be the first time I ever…with someone else--”

Erwin wrenched Levi forward, yanked his face down, and kissed him.

_Fucking finally_.

Levi groaned, and for the first time since this battle started between them, the sound wasn’t quiet. He didn’t care anymore. He grabbed at Erwin’s face, fingers scrambling to find a hold so that he could get closer, always closer, to this man who robbed him of his senses and replaced them with trust, tenderness and unbearable kindness.

Erwin’s hands were twisted in both Levi’s t-shirt and his hair, and Levi realized that he wasn’t going to cut it like he’d originally thought because that would mean saying goodbye to the electric rain of pleasure that stormed across his scalp every time Erwin’s hands got lost in it.

_I’ll love you even more_ , Levi swore to Erwin, his entire mind in the thought. _I’ll find ways to fall deeper and deeper. I’ll give you everything I’m capable of. Just please take it, take everything, because there’s so much I want to give you._

“ _Levi_ ,” Erwin gasped. “Let me—let me see your face.”

Levi didn’t want to pull back. Hunger was a real force now, an unprecedentedly powerful one. But he tried. He tried for Erwin. Because he would always try for him. He managed several inches, and that way they were able to stare at each other, gasping breath mingling.

Erwin’s hand found Levi’s face, and Levi pressed himself into it wishing he could push that touch in so deep that it never left him.

“Beautiful.”

Erwin’s voice sounded like scratchy wool, so why did it still sound so soft on his ears?

“You are such a beautiful person.”

_But that’s—that’s wrong. I’m not—_

“Beautiful,” Erwin repeated, his voice fervent like he was channeling the words of a god. When it was said like that Levi didn’t feel like he was up to arguing with it. “I have never seen—have never known—a person like you.”

“Is that…”

Levi knew his question wasn’t going to belong in this moment. That he might ruin it and have that stain on him always. But then he blurted it out before he could finish thinking it through.

“Is that a good thing?”

Up until that point the two dominating feelings fighting for control of the situation had been lust and love. At that moment Erwin’s face relaxed into a canvas of kindness, and Levi knew which emotion had won out in the end.

Levi could barely feel the tips of Erwin’s fingers, so light were they on his face. Certainly they were not enough to pull him down, and yet he was pulled down anyway by just the warmth in Erwin’s eyes.

“Levi, it’s the _best_ thing, and I don’t think there’s anything you know how to do, talented as you are, that can change that.”

“You can’t possibly know that…”

“Then why am I so convinced?”

That was a good question with a very simple answer; one that cracked Levi’s voice as he spoke it.

“Because you’re an idiot.”

“And whose fault is that, my Levi?”

Erwin pulled Levi’s forehead down to his. Their bodies were still, and their breathing was slowing, falling into a single rhythm.

“Don’t look at me. I’m not taking the blame for your crap.”

Erwin’s smile was so bright, but Levi wasn’t going to look away.

“Well me neither. My crap is exhausting.”

Erwin smiled and then Levi smiled because they were both thinking the same thing.

“Hanji,” they said at the exact same time.

Blaming others was always an excellent alternative.

“Excuse me.”

The voice was harsh. Grating.

Levi couldn’t believe it.

It wasn’t that he’d forgotten where they were. Not really. It’s just that it had registered so little that the plane they were sitting in shouldn’t have mattered. No one, he thought, could be stupid enough not to realize what was going on here. Levi knew that even a long standing sociopath with no connection to human emotion would have recognized that the moment he was sharing with Erwin was not to be interfered with. And so that was why, when the new voice interrupted, it was so unbelievable, that Levi’s head wrenched itself up to see who it belonged to, even though it was the last thing he wanted to do, because he just had to see what kind of person would do such a thing.

Erwin too was jolted, and as his head followed Levi’s example, his hold only tightened.

“Is somebody dying?”

Erwin’s words were crisp. Levi was impressed. He had nowhere near that level of voice control left inside of him at this point.

“Uh…”

“Because if not, then I’m going to pretend you’re not here.”

Levi blinked. Sometimes he forgot that Erwin didn’t care about everybody.

“Wait. I just wanted to ask you—are you Erwin Smith?”

Levi had not expected a positive reaction from Erwin, but what he actually got scared him, because instead of swelling with annoyance, Erwin’s face went white.

“Shit,” he groaned. “Not now. Not like this.”

It was only then that Levi noticed the smart phone the man was holding up, obviously being used to record. Who knew how long it had been there. The man holding it had short dark hair that had been spiked with gel. He was wearing a blazer with a pair of jeans and had douchebag written all over him. Pushed up into his hair was a pair of sunglasses. Either he’d had them perched on top of his head for several months, or he was one of those assholes who wore sunglasses during the winter

“ _The_ Erwin Smith, actor and model who rose to be named sexiest man in America three times running in People magazine before dropping off the face of the earth six years ago?”

It was obvious from the pompous condescension in the man’s voice that he held no doubt as to who he was addressing, and so the form of a question was being used only to humiliate, and to raise the drama of the situation.

Levi wasn’t sure if Erwin noticed, but the blonde’s body automatically moved to screen Levi from view of the camera, pulling Levi’s face into the pocket of his shoulder.

“Please leave,” Erwin said, but there was nothing like polite request in the tone of his voice.

“It’s wildly assumed that your sudden withdrawal from the public eye had everything to do with the alleged murder of your late fiancé. After all this time of shunning interviews is there anything you’d like to say to the readers of Lucky Star magazine in regards to those assumptions?”

Levi felt like he’d just been slapped in the face and then spit on numerous times. He had never been exposed to such shocking rudeness before, and could only imagine the hurt that Erwin himself was feeling in response.

“Come, Levi,” Erwin said, standing him up. Levi’s limbs untangled themselves in a shocked kind of obedience. Erwin checked Levi’s steadiness with one quick glance before taking his hand firmly in his own, and pushing into the aisle. But the spiky haired reporter blocked their path.

“Photographs of you were taken over three years ago outside of a newly opened medical center for substance and behavioral addictions. Though no doubt also a result of your fiancé’s death, the public has been left to wonder just what your spiral into madness resulted in. Was it, like many believe, an addiction to cocaine, or was it something even worse that forced you to stay for there for 90 days?”

Erwin shouldered past the reporter, pulling Levi tightly into his side.

“Erwin—“

“Just stay close.”

“But Erwin—“

“I’ll get us out of here.”

“Is it true,” continued the reporter, following directly behind them, camera phone still raised and at the ready, “That your sudden disappearance from the modeling world was due to a fear that others in your life would be targeted? Were you afraid that you yourself would be the next one to be killed?”

Levi’s blood was burning his eyes and causing his vision to explode with red.

“Erwin.”

It was the kind of anger that allowed him total control of his body. He remembered this feeling. Anger that had been sparked by the deaths of his friends that had slowly been maimed and boxed in by the deadly and constant stream of alcohol. He felt it rise now, but unlike before, the anger wasn’t directed at himself, but at the reporter behind him.

_To Erwin—this filth, this germ infested black fungus dares—he fucking dares—to spew his shit all over…no. Hell no. Not now. Not ever._

“Erwin, let me—“

“Don’t, Levi. It’s not worth it.”

“Oh I’m not sure that’s—“

“Recent interest in your life has exploded after the release of your pro-bono work regarding the upcoming cancer marathon next month. The public wants to know if this means that sex god Erwin Smith is back in action for good, or if it’s just a one-time occurrence. And they also want to know why. And it’s a good question. Why cancer? I mean, could you have picked anything less sexy?”

Erwin’s step faltered, but only for a moment. Then he was back to tugging Levi along behind him.

“I admit, I myself was stumped about it, but knew that since I’d been charged with getting the latest scoop on you it was my duty to the public to find out. The announcement of your mother’s death was the perfect opportunity, and I was able to catch you at the funeral.”

_He followed Erwin. This smuck was busy taking pictures of my Erwin while at his mother’s goddamn funeral._

Sure, Erwin’s mother wasn’t actually a person that had loved and cherished her son, but the reporter couldn’t know that. He’d still gone out of his way to invade Erwin’s privacy when the very real possibility existed that Erwin would be incredibly vulnerable and emotionally destroyed—all for the sake of a little gossip. Levi’s hands were balled into tight fists and he began to put in some resistance against the hand dragging him forward.

“And then something incredibly unexpected happens. Your little dark haired prince shows up and gets you to smile only minutes after they lower your mother into the ground. And then this prince continues to accompany you into a single hotel room, something our readers will definitely scream about when they find out. And just now I’ve determined with my own eyes that your relationship with this man goes well beyond that of an ordinary acquaintance. So tell me, does your recent debut back into modeling have anything to do with your relationship with former State martial art champion Levi “Ackerslay” Ackerman?”

So surprised was Levi at this last bit of unveiled information that he didn’t notice that Erwin had frozen in his tracks until the blonde had whipped around and shoved himself into the reporter’s face.

“Leave Levi out of this, _do you understand_?”

Erwin’s voice was a poison hiss. Even Levi, who loved Erwin deeply, jumped hearing it.

However the reporter must have exchanged his self-preservation instinct long ago in return for an even more obnoxious personality, because he didn’t react to Erwin’s words with anything other than interest.

“As a member of high ranking public speculation you have to be prepared for investigations like this. It’s all part of your duty as a figure in the eye of the media.”

“The only duty I’m feeling right now is the need to make it crystal clear to you that I will not tolerate your prying into Levi’s life.”

“And why is it that you feel so strongly for him? Is it his own celebrity status, small as it might be after so many years? Or is it his strength or good looks? He’s so different than your last romantic choice. Could it be that you’ve chosen someone so different looking in an attempt to finally get over your pining for your old fiancé?”

At this point Levi was ready to face Erwin’s wrath and suffer the consequences of his actions. Because he was going to deal with the slimy reporter no matter what the blonde said.

“If you publish any of this…”

“Are you _threatening_ me, Mr. Smith?” the reporter asked. He laughed a big belly laugh just to show how ridiculous he thought that was. “Because I’ll have you know that there is no danger, small or large that I will not risk to get to the heart of the truth.”

“You sure about that?” Levi growled.

Erwin threw his hand out to block Levi, but it was too late. Levi had only ever stopped himself before because he hadn’t wanted to hurt anyone he cared for. But there was no need to stop himself from attacking this man. He could go at him with a clean conscience.

Levi spun around Erwin and ducked under his arm. Erwin was quick, but by the time he slashed his hand forward Levi had already grabbed the reporter’s wrist and twisted. The man’s smartphone clattered to the floor, but before it had even hit the ground Levi had shoved the man’s hand behind his back, smashed the man’s front into of the aisle seats, and rammed his shoulder into the man’s back—immobilizing him.

But merely stopping the man wasn’t enough. He had to put him out of commission.

He spun the man around and shoved him straight back against the chair divider; this time with even greater force. He had both the man’s wrists locked using just a single hand. The other was free to do with as he pleased. Levi leaned in close to a face that had finally dropped enough of its arrogance to show fear.

“In less than a fifth of a second I can crush the cartilage from your nose, into your brain, killing you almost instantaneously,” Levi recited. He’d learned that a calm monotone was actually the most effective way to deliver threats. “The first time I did that to a man it was an accident, and was done when I was still a child. Ihad not been properly trained at the time, therefore the man survived. I can assure you that I have undergone a vast transformation since then. So that if I am given cause to strike you now, believe me when I say that you _will_ die.”

Levi kicked out in a lightning blow, caught the phone lying on the floor on the edge of his foot, and flipped it into the air. When it was at eye level he lashed out with his free hand in a motion so fast only his own eyes could follow it. The phone shot across the plane, just a blur of black, and hit the wall approximately 100 feet away so hard it burrowed right through the first couple of inches and stayed, lodged there with the force of Levi’s fury.

Levi turned back to face the reporter, his face a mask of cold hate.

“What’s your name, you stick of shit?”

“Please sir, I didn’t mean—“

“ _Your name_.”

“C-Chad. Chad LeBrowski.”

Levi leaned forward until his teeth were nearly pressed up against the tip of the man’s chin. He was repulsed. He could smell the fear of the man in his excessive sudden sweat, and it was making him queasy. But the germs couldn’t affect him even though he had his bare skin touching the man. Nothing would get through his anger now.

“Well, _Chad_. I want you to know that I was born a gifted child. But I have also honed those natural gifts so that I have become a lethal weapon. I could kill you more than a dozen ways for every muscle group in my body. Never before in my life have I hesitated to make a strike that I find deserving, and I have never found a case more deserving than the one you provide.”

The unmistakable smell of urine filled the air as Chad the reporter wet himself. Levi forced himself to stay calm as he heard it trickle down the man’s leg and pool on the floor around him. His shoes were in a puddle of urine. That had only happened to him once, and that had been while in a dumpster twenty years ago when he’d been just ten years old. That time the urine had been his own. This, of course, was even less preferable. But he did not scream or fling himself to the other side of the room. Instead he kept tight hold of the man and began to breathe through his mouth.

“If you ever write, speak, or in any way share a single word about Erwin, or anyone Erwin cares about, to anyone, and that includes all persons or animals, alive or dead, then I will personally show up and make you regret that decision _profoundly_ at least a hundred times over. Now does your puny little brain comprehend that?”

Chad’s eyes were wide with terror. Levi thought about the things Erwin had gone through—the killing of his fiancé, his spiral into alcoholism, his experience at conversion camp, the rejection of his parents—and how the man before him had shoved each of those things in some way into Erwin’s face in the past five minutes—and found no mercy for the spineless little spiky haired fuckboy. He twisted the reporter’s arm more tightly behind his back until the man let out a terrified squeak.

“I said do you understand you shit for brains pukestain motherfucker?”

“Yes! Yes—I—not a word to anyone. I swear.”

“I’m going to find out everything there is to know about you,” Levi assured him. “And I _will_ know if you break your promise.”

He stared dead into the man’s eyes for another few moments until the man was on the urge of fainting, and then Levi threw the reporter down to the floor to fall into his own puddle of urine.

“Levi, you…”

Levi grabbed Erwin’s arm and tugged him toward the end of the plane where a single flight attendant was waiting. Levi stopped by the wall and gave the phone lodged within it a sharp tug. He looked into the attendant’s eyes. She was a young woman, no older than 23 or 24, but her expression was serious and focused.

“I’ll pay for any damages,” Levi said. “And accept any consequences necessary.”

But the woman waved him off. “Insurance will cover it. Nothing happened here. I didn’t see anything.”

Levi blinked, unsure of how to handle the unexpected words.

“I, uh, are you sure? Because I’m prepared to—“

“My grandmother is struggling with stage 4 ovarian cancer, but even without that I know that guy is a dick. He’s a misogynist too. I’ve read a couple of his articles.”

She turned to Erwin who was standing beside Levi in a mixed state of awe and shock.

“Is it true that you’re aiming to win the marathon next month?”

Erwin nodded.

The woman split her mouth into a smile. “Good luck.”

She stood aside and let Levi and Erwin pass. They walked through the plane and into the connecting corridor that led back to the airport. They were back in their home state, but Levi knew he couldn’t relax just yet. He took a deep breath, braced himself, and then stopped. He turned to face Erwin who still looked awed and a little loopy.

“Okay. Before you yell at me, and tell me how completely out of place I was, and how disappointed you are in me, is there anything other than that you’d like to say?”

Levi clenched his fists by his sides, waiting for impact. Erwin opened his mouth.

“This probably won’t surprise you, but I have the weirdest boner right now.”

Erwin was wrong. Because Levi _was_ surprised. Quite surprised.

“Um, what?”

Erwin, who still had ahold of his hand, tugged Levi close and pressed his other hand flat against his chest.

“Once again you were my knight in shining armor.”

Levi blushed. He hadn’t thought of it that way at all. He’d just wanted to shut the reporter guy up forever.

“I was just--”

“Being the most badass motherfucker I’ve ever seen? Yeah, I know. I’d feel subpar, but I’m going to be too busy worshiping the ground you walk on to notice.”

Whoa whoa whoa.

“W-worshiping?”

“I have a fascination with heroes remember? And you’re the superhero in my life.”

“Wait. But. Does that mean--are you not angry at me?”

Erwin raised their linked fingers together, then he closed his eyes and pressed his lips to their combined knuckles. He kept his mouth there with unmoving pressure for a long time. Finally he pulled back and opened his eyes. They were doing the soft-burning thing that Levi found particularly overwhelming.

“That guy...he was such an _asshole_. He was like the embodiment of a bully that had been crafted to specifically target me. I felt violated, stripped down by the words he was using. I’ve always hated that aspect of being a public figure. But even when I was at the height of my modeling career--no one ever did to me what he just did. No one was ever that nasty. It--it hurt, Levi. And I was scared because I didn’t want that to happen to you. I didn’t want you to look at me with disgust for dragging you into something like that. I didn’t want...I didn’t want you to see the man that reporter saw. I didn’t--”

“No, no of course not, Erwin,” Levi said quickly, already pulling Erwin’s arms around him and reaching up to touch the blonde’s face. “Of _course_ not.”

“I know...I know that Mike didn’t like that part of my job. I know the constant lack of privacy consistently ruining our outings really wore on him the way it did me. I never wanted that to happen to anyone again. I never wanted to kill anyone ever again. So I tried to distance myself as much as possible from things. I moved out of L.A and flew across the country. I cut myself off from all my friends in the business and started from scratch. I needed to get as quiet a life as possible--a life where I wasn’t important enough for someone I loved to be targeted like that. I thought I’d done that--but I was an idiot. I did that photo shoot...it was so small and not in any sector I’d worked in before. I did it for you thinking no one else would even notice. I was wrong, and I’m such a fucking moron...What if it happens all over again? What if you come to hate me because of it? What if something happens to you? What if--”

“ _Stop.”_

Levi grabbed both of Erwin’s shoulders and gave him a shake.

“Just stop. Stop searching. Stop blaming. Stop panicking. Stop. Now take a deep breath.”

“But--”

“Now, Erwin.”

“This is an important issue Levi, and I don’t appreciate--”

“One deep breath isn’t going to kill you. Come on. In and out. You know the drill. How many times have we done it in circle group?”

Erwin gave him an exasperated look, but Levi just waited. Finally Erwin took in a deep breath and let it out slowly. When he was finished, Levi stood up as tall as he could, stretching out his body so that he could wrap his arms around Erwin’s neck.

“Listen to me, okay? I have done so many annoying things. I’ve been difficult. I’ve been impossible. I’ve screamed at you, ranted, thrown up, cried, physically hurt you, emotionally exhausted you, and yet you didn’t hold any of those things against me. Why is that?”

Erwin looked confused and just the slightest bit annoyed that Levi was bringing this stuff up now, but he humored him. “Because you were sick. It wasn’t your fault.”

“It wasn’t my fault,” Levi repeated. “Exactly.”

“Yes, but with me--”

“It isn’t your fault either. You’re allowed to do a fucking photo shoot for charity without the world coming down on you like the world’s most suffocating blanket. You have rights too. You deserve privacy. You deserve the ability to live your life without worrying that someone will be hurt because of your innocent and legal actions. None of it is your fault. Mike’s death is not your fault.”

_Actually, that’s a pretty important one. Better repeat it again._

“Mike’s death is _not_ your fault. Say it.”

“But it is--”

“Mike’s death is _not your fault._ ”

“Stop it. Saying it over and over isn’t going to change the fact that--”

“It is _not_ your fault. You did _not_ kill him. Your actions did _not_ kill him. You are _not_ responsible. Mike’s death is _not_ your fault.”

“Levi you’re just taking the spotlight off--”

“Five thugs murdered your fiancé. They took his life. You did not spill that blood. You did not cause his death. Getting your picture taken for magazines isn’t, and has never been, a cause for death. It’s not your fault that you weren’t there to save him. It’s not your fault that he died in the street. It’s not because he was engaged to you, or because you loved him. The only reason Mike is dead is because five fucking murderers ganged up on him and slaughtered him in cold blood. He is dead, and you have a right to mourn him, but that blame is not yours to shoulder, and Mike wouldn’t want you to shoulder it. Mike’s death is not your fault, now fucking say it already because I’m not going to let this go.”

Erwin covered his face with his hand. “Please, Levi. Please I...I can’t.”

“You can. You’re allowed to free yourself. You’re allowed to be free from suffering. You don’t have to keep punishing yourself for this. You don’t deserve--”

“I do! I deserve so much worse. I don’t deserve the happiness I have now. I shouldn’t have a future like this in front of me. Mike’s future was taken from him. Mike’s life was cut short. So why should I--”

“Because it’s not your fucking fault! Jesus _Christ_ , Erwin. You’re making this out to some kind of original sin shit. You don’t have to suffer for the rest of your life because some fucking criminals took Mike away. Haven’t they hurt you enough? Haven’t you suffered enough?”

“No. I haven't. And I haven’t learned my lesson yet if I’m willing to put you at risk by--”

Levi grabbed Erwin’s shirt front and shook him so suddenly that he almost tore the material. “You. Are not. Listening. To me. Erwin. Albert. Smith!”

Levi yanked Erwin’s face farther down and pressed a rough kiss to his forehead.

“You need more to convince you? Then fine. Listen to this, asshole. I am _not_ responsible for either Farlan’s or Isabel’s deaths.”

_I’m not lying. It’s not a lie. Even if it tastes and smells like a lie it’s not a lie._

“I didn’t kill them.”

_I can’t let it feel like a lie anymore. It’ll kill me if it stays a lie forever._

“Isabel got a fucking disease, and Farlan got run over by a drunk ass motherfucking driver. Neither event was in my control. They could have died in different ways, and those ways probably wouldn’t have been under my control either. I didn’t kill them. I didn’t pour the cancer down Isabel’s throat, and I didn’t push down on the accelerator to plow into Farlan. I’ve always been obsessed with being in control. I wanted to keep my germs under control. I wanted to keep my anxiety under control. I wanted to keep my sexuality under control. And I wanted to keep everyone I loved under my control. Because I felt that if they were under my control than that meant that I could protect them. Because I’m strong. I’m supposed to be really strong. But people aren’t supposed to be controlled, and it’s never okay even if you really fucking love them. So saying that their deaths are my fault is saying that the power in their lives was in my hands. Which isn’t fair. Because they were both super fucking strong themselves. And me taking the blame when it wasn’t really my fault is making their choices unimportant and my choices all-important. It’s making it about me. So that when I should be focusing on telling their stories and remembering them for how much they gave me, instead I’m keeping everything tucked into a little safe box that’s too compressed and threatening to explode.”

Levi smacked Erwin’s chest for emphasis.

“But no more. No fucking more. If Isabel were here she’d slap the shit out of me for how much I’ve let this drag on. They would have forgiven me. They would have. Because they loved me. They...they fucking loved me when no one else would. And they would be furious if they knew what I let happen to myself.”

Levi looked up at the ceiling lights just in case his eyes decided to do something stupid like start watering.

“And they...it would be worse than that because if they thought they were responsible for my stupid downward spiral, They’d…”

Levi bit his lip. He wouldn’t be able to look down for a while.

“When Farlan was upset he used to go into this scary calm and he’d suddenly get all productive. He’d start scrubbing down counters and getting rid of old mail. He’d start on homework assignments that weren’t due for ages, and do pushups like they were the most important thing to ever be invented. And sometimes I just imagine him, you know, six feet under down in his grave. Isabel is beside him just looking at me with that sad disappointed face, but not Farlan. He’s down there doing pushups and the count’s all the way up in the millions…”

Levi forced himself to look at Erwin because this bit was important and he had to make sure the man was listening. He needn’t have worried. The blonde’s eyes were boring into him like they were trying to set his clothes on fire.

“So I have to forgive myself, or at least let the issue go. Because they deserve that. They were always trying to make me happy. Isabel even had this stupid victory dance she did every time she got me to smile. So I...I can’t let all that effort go to waste. I can let myself be happy, but to do that I have to...for them, I have to…”

Levi sucked in his breath, and finally he felt Erwin’s hand clamp down on his forearm, lending him warmth.

“I have to admit that it’s not my fault.”

He let his hand grip Erwin’s forearm as well, linking them together.

“And that’s what you need to do too.”

“But you...it’s different. Isn’t it?”

Erwin didn’t sound altogether sure. The man’s doubt was an unfamiliar thing.

“No. It isn’t.”

“I…”

Erwin let his breath puff out of him in an uneven rush.

“When Mike was angry he would do this little twitch thing with his face--this thing with his mustache and nose. It used to make him look like a dog that had smelled something bad. Do you think that he, now...at me, would be--?”

“I can’t believe you would sleep with someone who had a mustache. He must have had a _really_ big dick.”

Erwin made a face that was almost a smile, and Levi’s breath was too light in his lungs as he was struck, for perhaps the thousandth time, by just how beautiful the man was.

“Forgive yourself, Erwin. I will if you will.”

Erwin slid his hand farther up Levi’s arm, pulling him closer--close enough that he could let his lips rest on the crown of Levi’s head.

“You drive a terribly hard bargain, Mr. Ackerman.”

“Is that a yes?”

Levi was already pushing himself up to get more pressure from Erwin’s lips. He knew what the man would say.

“It’s a promise to try.”

And that was good enough. Because he knew that Erwin had too much stubbornness to let a task--any task--beat him.

Erwin’s arms slid around his back and grew tight.

“Thank you Levi,” Erwin whispered.

Levi knew what it was. He too had been searching for the permission to forgive himself. He just hadn’t realized at first that there was a need to ask for it.

Levi wrapped his arms around Erwin to complete the circle. Safe. Warm. Everything he would always be when he was with the blonde.

He let his face be pressed too tight against Erwin’s chest, because truthfully, he knew that there was no such thing as too tight, and he’d squeeze closer if he could. Finally he lifted his face and found Erwin staring down at him.

_How can he make such embarrassing faces so easily?_

Levi was afraid that he too made faces as unacceptably lovesick. He had to do something to stop it. He tugged on Erwin’s shirt.

“I’m hungry again.”

And now the man’s smile really did return.

“Already?”

“I’m a growing man.”

“Well let’s hope so…”

“Shut up. You like me this way.”

At least, Levi hoped that was the case.

“I suppose…” Erwin muttered. “Because it allows me to do this.”

Without warning he slid his hands down to Levi’s waist and lifted him clear off the ground.

Levi would deny it later--vehemently, and with great passion--but the truth was that he let out a gasp of surprise that quickly turned to a furious panicked shout.

“You fucking--!”

Erwin spun him around and let out a laugh so light that Levi was shocked into silence--but only for a moment.

“Shut up and put me the fuck down!”

Erwin jerked Levi to his chest and wrapped him up tight while Levi’s legs still dangled several inches off the floor.

“Sorry, sorry--you’re just too cute.”

“I’m thirty years old, now put me the fuck down!”

With a sigh, Erwin set him back down on the floor. “You never let me have any fun.”

“I bet Mike didn’t have to put up with this shit…”

“He wasn’t as cute as you.”

Levi knew it was beyond stupid, but he couldn’t help feeling a happy blip in his chest at those words.

_No fully grown adult should be happy to be called cute._

But, strangely enough, he almost was.

Erwin touched his fingers to Levi’s lips making him finally understand what the gesture meant. Erwin did it when he was restraining himself from kissing him. It made Levi smile. Erwin let the fingers drop.

“What’s your favorite restaurant, Levi?”

_Whoever said that perfect men don’t exist is a filthy fucking liar._

“I don’t have one,” Levi said. It was the truth, after all.

That gave Erwin pause, but only for a beat of time.

“Okay, then a restaurant you enjoy.”

“I don’t have one.”

Now Erwin was truly flustered.

“But...I don’t...How is that possible?”

“I know a couple of restaurants I’ve barfed in, though,” Levi offered. He was just trying to help, but that only made Erwin look a bit constipated. It was probably best to explain.

“It’s not like I hate other people’s food. It’s just that, germwise...It never really worked out when I--Well, the few times I tried to eat out...What I’m trying to say is--”

“Levi?”

“Yes?”

Levi didn’t know why Erwin suddenly looked like he’d been hit over with a chair.

“Was last night the first time you were ever really ate at a restaurant?”

Well technically he had eaten at restaurants before--like times when he’d traveled out of state or country. But every time he had he’d been wracked with anxiety, and sometimes even panic attacks. Not knowing how the food was prepared always made his mind shoot off in crazy directions and inevitably he’d be lying in bed that night having dreams about the food turning to shit on his plate. So even though he had eaten out, and even kept the food down most of the time, last night had been the first time he’d been relaxed enough to actually enjoy the taste of what he was eating.

_I guess it_ is _pretty weird..._

He looked down. Somehow they’d managed to tangle their fingers together again. Levi was starting to think that the two of them were hopeless.

“Maybe,” he admitted.

“Levi...that’s incredible.”

_Don’t look up. He’ll be making some horribly embarrassing face._

Levi looked up. Erwin’s eyes were crinkling in the corners because of the dufus smile on his face. He’d _definitely_ been hit over the head with a chair, and it _was_ horribly embarrassing.

Erwin squeezed Levi’s hand.

“I’m blown away by you, you know. Every day. I don’t know why it always hits me so hard. You think I’d be used to it.”

“I’m going to throw up all over you.”

“Oh please, like you haven’t said sappier things.”

“Not out loud I haven’t.”

Big mistake.

“Oh?”

_Shit_.

“And just what kind of thoughts have you been having?”

_Nauseating ones. Horrible fucking things that won’t go away and...fuck he’s so beautiful. Why is he so beautiful? I just want to take his face and--shit. I’m doing it again. FUCK. This is all his fault._

Levi yanked his hand out of Erwin’s and crossed his arms over his stomach.

“Wouldn’t you like to know?”

Erwin’s dufus smile was growing at scary rates.

“Tell me.”

“Not on your life.”

“I’ll kiss you if you do.”

“Was your promise to behave before just a blatant lie?”

“No...I’m just really curious.”

“Forget it.”

“What about after you eat?”

“ _Forget it._ ”

Erwin sighed, but nudged Levi’s shoulder.

“Fine. I’ll let it go...for now.”

“Asshole.”

Levi was scared of how hard it was to hide his smile.

Erwin folded his hands behind his head and began to walk off with a dorky swagger.

“Come on. I know a place that can’t disappoint you.”

Levi took in the man’s exaggerated confidence and couldn’t help but be intrigued.

“And how are you so sure?”

He began to follow Erwin and noticed that the overconfidence actually seemed to be hiding a trace of nervousness. His intrigue grew.

“It’s because I know the cook personally. Don’t worry he’s probably the cleanest most fastidious person I know.”

Levi was impressed. He picked up his pace until he was side by side with the other man.

“The cleanest?”

“Did I stutter? Yes. The cleanest. I know him very well. He won’t let you down.”

They walked over to the carousel where everyone from their flight was gathered, save the reporter. They hung back at a more comfortable distance and watched as people collected their luggage. Levi’s mind was churning. He knew asking any more might mean showing too much interest, but he’d have to risk it.

“And this guy is at your place right now?”

Erwin smiled too knowingly.

“He will be soon.”

Levi tried to push it down. He knew he was being a baby. But he let it out: a spark of insecurity.

“Just _how_ well do you know this guy?”

Erwin’s smile only grew bigger.

_Damn him._

“I’d say I know him pretty well.”

Levi had to suppress his growl.

“I mean, I wouldn’t presume to know everything about him, but he’s entrusted me with quite a number of things and I’ve done the same with him.”

Okay. Now the insecurity was more than a spark.

“Is he a friend?”

“A dear one.”

Levi’s heart froze on the word “dear.”

_Calm down. Maybe he means it in a completely platonic safe way._

Levi swallowed and forced the next question out.

“Is he...I mean, are you--do you have feelings for him?”

Levi couldn’t get the word “Love” out.

This time Erwin’s smile was so wide and self-satisfied that there was no room for doubt.

“I might…”

Levi was pretty sure the sound of his heartbreak was audible.

_Calm down. just--just fucking--_

But he couldn’t get it together. Already his mind was racing in a thousand directions. Images of Erwin, _his_ Erwin, damn it, were flooding his mind. Erwin laughing and smiling, and kissing, but this time there was a faceless body there with him. Not Levi. A large body, tall and handsome. Someone who was able to wrap Erwin up in large hands and make him feel safe.

_Don’t...don’t go there._

But how could he not? He’d known all along that he’d been deluding himself. Erwin was prime boyfriend material. Levi had always known that the whole world would be after him, and that there were millions of other contestants out there waiting to give it a try. It had only been a matter of time.

_No_.

Levi clenched his fists by his sides.

_Erwin cares about you._

Maybe before he would have let his confidence crumble away, but not even half an hour ago he’d been in Erwin’s lap realizing the effect he could have on the man. He’d traveled on a plane to get to Erwin, had held him in his arms so many times, even taken a shower with him. He’d kissed him, and made him laugh, and offered his protection when the man was down.

_So maybe he does care for that guy, but he cares for me too, which means I still have a chance._

Levi only had to determine just how bad the damage was.

“Did you...sleep with him?”

The weirdest part of everything was the fact that Erwin’s smile wasn’t fading. If anything it was still growing. Levi had never thought he’d see anything so cruel. His heart ached with a heaviness that promised pain.

“No,” Erwin said. “Not yet.”

_Not yet_.

But that smile of Erwin’s showed that it was only a matter of time. It was too much. He couldn’t help the full on horror that dawned on his face.

He shook his head, and then kept shaking it. He couldn’t stop.

“Don’t,” he said. “Don’t do it. Don’t sleep with him.”

“Why not?”

“Because...because I--”

“But I thought you _wanted_ to sleep with me, sugarplum?”

Levi stopped.

He thought.

And then he nearly had an aneurysm.

“You. fucking. _Shit_.”

Erwin began to laugh. Levi was less than amused. He began to smack Erwin’s chest with ever increasing speed.

“You little--you absolute--”

“You should have seen the look on your face.”

“I hate you so fucking much!”

“Ow. Those smacks are starting to hurt,” Erwin said.

“Good!”

Erwin tried to catch his wrists, but Levi evaded him and smacked his chest again.

“Oh come on. I thought you’d realize I was talking about you right away. If I’d known you’d get all heartbroken I never would have done it.”

Erwin’s pacification attempts weren’t going to work. Levi was too pissed off. His heart was still hurting.

“You--You’re so fucking _mean_.”

“I’m sorry. I really am, Levi. I’m an ass. Please don’t look at me like that. I can’t take it. My heart will break.”

“Serves you right!”

“I said I was sorry.”

“I don’t care!”

But Levi did care, because relief was already sweeping through him, soothing the ache like balm on chapped lips.

Erwin pulled on Levi’s hips, and Levi let himself be dragged forward.

“Hey,” Erwin whispered and nudged him. “I’ll make it up to you.”

Levi felt a little fragile, as well as open, but it wasn’t exactly a bad feeling.

“You _better_.”

Erwin pushed a strand of Levi’s hair off his forehead. “Anything. What do you want?”

_Please hold me._

“For you to stop being an ass.”

“Impossible.”

“You said ‘anything’.”

“I meant anything in the realm of reason.”

Levi let his head fall against Erwin’s chest and his fingers twitched against the blonde’s belt loops. Erwin understood. He wrapped his arms around him, and Levi melted.

“I love when you’re like this,” Erwin murmured into Levi’s hair. “All warm and pliable. It’s like you can fill all my empty spaces this way.”

Levi’s hands slid behind the man and tightened on his back.

“You’re doing it again.”

“Being a sappy old geezer?”

“Yep.”

“You love it.”

“I don’t.”

“Admit it.”

“Never.”

“Admit it or I’m going to get up on the luggage carousel and sing about how much I love your ass.”

_Erwin loves my ass?_

The thought was a happy blip.

“You wouldn’t.”

“Wouldn’t I?”

Levi looked at the man in all his dorky old man glory. Erwin would do it. It was a simple truth. And worse, he’d do it without a moment’s hesitation.

Levi put on his stink face and glared at the floor.

“Well I don’t _hate_ it…”

There. That was as good as he was going to give. But when there was no answer, Levi was forced to look up to gauge the man’s reaction. And that’s when he saw Erwin’s face light up like a damn Christmas tree.

“You don’t? Really?”

He looked _way_ too happy for his own good.

“You told me to say it, asswad.”

“Yeah, but I didn’t expect you to mean it.”

“Go away.”

“Never.”

_Is that a promise?_

Levi pulled one of his hands back. He wanted to touch Erwin’s face, to smooth his fingers down the man’s cheek and across his lips. But before he could reach up, Erwin pulled back and smiled as he headed to the luggage carousel.

“Be back in a sec,” he said.

_Wait…_

Levi held out his hand, but Erwin had already turned his back. Levi watched as the man parted the crowd with ease and snagged his bag just as it was coming around. The man’s movements were fluid and beautiful, and all around him people stopped to stare. It was obvious that any person in that room would drop everything and listen if Erwin asked them to. But the blonde didn’t ask. He showed no interest in any of them. Because when he turned back around his eyes went straight to Levi, and him only.

True to his word, he was back within moments. He snagged Levi’s hand and began to walk with him toward the exit. Levi struggled to snap his mind back into focus.

“So we’re going to your place?”

“If that’s what you want, Levi.”

Erwin pushed open the door of the airport. They were greeted by a blast of cold air. The blonde tucked Levi into his side, instinctively shielding him from the chill. He held up his hand and a Taxi appeared from nowhere and pulled to a stop right in front of them.

Levi ogled, and then he ogled some more, eyes darting from Erwin, to the cab, and back again.

_So this is the power that comes with being hot as fuck…_

Levi shook his head, marveling. He only feared for the day that Erwin decided to dedicate his powers to the dark side.

Erwin, of course, acted as if nothing was out of place as he stepped forward. He nodded to the driver and then pulled open the back door for Levi.

“Filthy enough for your tastes?” he asked.

Levi hid his smirk in his collar and climbed in. “Quit your worrying, old man.”

Erwin circled to the back and tossed his bag in the trunk. A few moments later he slid in beside Levi and shut the door.

“14 Cedar lane,” he said to the driver, who nodded, and pulled away from the curb and into traffic.

He put his hand on Levi’s knee and scooted closer. Levi couldn’t believe this was actually happening.

“Even the place you live sounds ultra-gay,” he said, instead of _I’m as nervous as some fucking virgin school kid on his first date_.

“Kind of appropriate then.”

“Well it’s the first time anything about you has been appropriate.”

“Today’s full of firsts, isn’t it?”

For as long as Levi could remember he’d been repulsed by couples who made out with each other in random public settings, but he was learning that maybe he should have been a bit more lenient with his opinions of them, because right now the urge to touch and kiss Erwin was overpowering, and it didn’t matter that there was some poor shmuck driving in the front seat.

_Control yourself. You’re going to be the paragon of adulthood today._

Control was important. He’d need it for his announcement later.

Levi took a deep breath and subtly put a couple of inches distance between him and his beautiful companion. Keeping his hands off the man would be easier the farther he was.

“Why are we going to your apartment, anyway?” Levi asked. He was afraid of the answer. Because if Erwin said, “because I want to fuck you into the mattress,” Levi knew he’d never be able to resist, and his plan for control would be in smithereens. He should have known not to worry.

“Because I have to feed Desmond,” Erwin said.

His tone was so simple and straightforward that Levi was almost convinced that it was a halfway normal answer before he realized he had no clue what the blonde was talking about.

“Who the fuck is Desmond?”

Now he was confused because he’d thought the whole, “I’ll have someone in my apartment thing” was just a gimmick to get Levi to come over. But then there was this Desmond fellow, and…

“Desmond is my friend.”

_He better not be hot or I’ll kill him._

“He’s also my pet Lizard.”

Levi felt all the air deflate from his swelling head.

“What?”

“My lizard. He’s black, with green stripes on his tail, and he likes to hang upside down when he isn’t barfing up the newspaper he’s always eating.”

Now it was coming back to him. Vaguely he remembered Nanaba telling him that Erwin had gotten a pet. The news had been dumped to the back on his mind during the phone call when the blonde had told him he was coming to visit, and Levi hadn’t thought about the reptile since.

“Why the hell do you own a lizard?”

“Because my house is enormous and I’m not enough to fill it.”

“So you thought a _lizard_ would help?”

“I hope you don’t speak this way in front of Desmond. It’s incredibly rude.”

“He won’t know the difference.”

“I’ll have you know that he’s been looking forward to meeting you for quite some time now. I’ve told him all about you.”

Levi knew that getting touched over something like this was a sure sign that he was going loony, but he couldn’t help the rose of warmth in his chest that blossomed picturing Erwin going about his day while talking to his dumb lizard friend.

_Why am I in love with a dork like you_?

There were too many embarrassing answers to that question. He had to move on quickly before he started drowning in them.

“Please tell me that you’re joking.”

“Of course not. I’ve told him everything. Your hair color, favorite food, basic life story...I even told him about that time you pulled the fire alarm back in junior high because someone got poop on the toilet seat at school and you thought that was the fastest way to get someone to fix it.”

Levi knew he’d regret telling Erwin that story…

“Not that, jerkbutt. The fact that you’re bringing me home just to meet your lizard.”

“Well it’s not like there’s anyone else for you to meet. You already know all my close friends.”

Levi had to stop and consider that one. It was true. Erwin’s parents were dead, and he’d never mentioned any other family. Either they didn’t exist, or he’d cut ties with them. So Desmond was, by default, Erwin’s only family. And that meant that this visit was the customary “greet the parents” visit, only without the parents, and a whole lot weirder. Levi didn’t clap his hands down on his face fast enough to cover the surprised flush of pleasure that flared up.

“Levi…?”

“Shut up. Don’t say anything. You’re a horrible person.”

“What are you--”

“How could you decide to drag me to see your family when it looks like a truck hit me, and I haven’t showered in over 12 hours?”

“Is 12 hours supposed to be a long time?”

“It is when I’m supposed to be looking nice!”

“Wait. I thought meeting Desmond was a joke to you?”

“It _is_ a joke. But it’s also fucking nerve wracking.”

Levi had never been flustered by anything this bizarre before, but he was just going to roll with it.

“Quick, Erwin. Do I have anything in my teeth?”

“You never have anything in your teeth.”

“You’re right. The teeth aren’t important right now. All he’ll notice is my crappy outfit.”

“It’s not crappy. Though I admit I still wish you could’ve worn the BJR jeans. You should have let me take them to a laundromat before we left.”

“Wait. Don’t tell me you _packed_ them?”

“Of course I did. They’re the most important thing in my life right now.”

“They’re covered in jizz!”

“That’s part of the reason why I love them.”

“You’re a repulsive creature.”

“I’ll throw them in the wash when we get to my place, and then you can put them back on your butt where they belong.”

_Right. Erwin’s place. I’m supposed to be freaking out over that. Not on how much I want to throw myself into Erwin’s lap and bear his babies._

He tried to focus on that fact. Mental preparation was an all important task. A sound mind resulted in a sound body, Petra always said. Levi had never been able to figure out if it was true because he couldn’t remember the last time his mind had been sound. Now was definitely not one of those times, and prep wasn’t helping, because by the time the taxi pulled up next to the curb and the driver twisted around to take his fare, Levi didn’t feel even the littlest bit calmer about the whole thing.

“I’m not ready,” he said as Erwin handed the driver several twenties.

“Me neither,” Erwin said as he held the door open for Levi once more. “But it’s exciting, isn’t it?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you missed my horribly long chapters because this was one of them. Jesus...i always end up writing way more words than I plan.   
> Anyway, we've got a lot going on here.  
> *presents totally bad ass Levi to you* ain't he perfect? Don't you just want to do terribly messy things to him?  
> Also levi realizing how easily he can twist Erwin around his little finger...  
> I had fun with this chapter. The whole mentally married exercise was too fun (also embarrassing. Why am I so embarrassing?)  
> Also jackass reporter. I can't believe I let him pee on Levi.  
> But it's okay because Levi's going to Erwin's house and Erwin will get him all clean and showered and comfy and fed and ohmygosh the dorks taking care of each other *hides my face*  
> Don't worry I haven't forgotten the angst I've promised you.  
> *slinks back into the darkness to continue my writing*  
> Thank you to all my amazing new followers on tumblr. I never thought this story would turn into such a large project. Thank you for going along for the ride. (along with all your encouragement--i seriously can't thank you guys enough.)


	21. Chapter 21

Chapter 21:

Levi’s hand was in Erwin’s as the blonde dragged him down the walkway in front of his house. It was beautiful. Not two large—two stories, from what Levi could see. Most of the front was giant windows, but the inside was shielded by long white curtains. Erwin pulled Levi up the front steps and dug for the keys in his pocket. He took them out and reached for the doorknob, but paused.

“Um, I was kind of in a rush the night when I left, and I wasn’t really paying attention to what I was doing when I was packing so inside—I’m not sure what state I left the place in. If it’s too messy…”

Levi grabbed Erwin’s hand, shoved the key into the lock, and twisted.

“Don’t be an idiot. Your mom was dead. I’m not going to complain about a messy house.”

It almost hurt to think that Erwin would think him that shallow and neurotic.

_I mean, I grew up with Hanji for Christ’s sake. I know what a mess looks like._

But Levi realized that it was probably only Erwin’s nerves talking. This was a pretty big deal after all.

_Except it’s not. We’ve done so much together already. This shouldn’t be significant._

Except it was.

Erwin pushed open the front door and stepped inside.

The foyer was large, but made huge by the minimal amount of _anything_ around.

“Jesus,” Levi muttered, expecting his voice to echo in the space as his eyes darted around.

“You don’t really believe in decorating, do you?”

Erwin shrugged, and looked around the place as if seeing it for the first time. “I don’t know.”

Levi shucked off his shoes (the bottoms were covered in urine, after all) and padded forward in socked feet. He peered into the next room. It was a living room with a long leather sofa and a huge plasma screen. Aside from a coffee table and recliner there really was nothing else to look at. Nothing was out of place, and Levi could see no personal items on display. There was a fireplace on the wall beneath the mantel, but it didn’t look like it had ever been lit.

“I don’t mean to sound like an ass, but this place doesn’t feel real.”

Erwin scratched his head, a little sheepish. “Yeah, I never really got around to giving it a home-y feel.”

He walked forward out of the foyer and Levi followed him into a large gleaming kitchen. Levi found that he was finding difficulty keeping his mouth shut.

“I thought you didn’t know how to cook?”

Erwin walked over to one of the cabinets. They were all made of a polished red wood, and pulled down two glasses.

Erwin didn’t answer. Instead he walked over to the fridge, pulled it open, and then motioned Levi over with a jerk of his chin. Levi followed, socked feet soundless on the tiled floor. All the appliances were stainless steel—cold and sterile. He came to Erwin and ducked under his arm. The blonde leaned down and pressed a kiss to the top of Levi’s head.

“The kitchen was Mike’s. He was the one who enjoyed cooking. This house we built…we never lived in it together. We were going to move in after the wedding.”

Levi had no idea what to say after a statement like that. He settled for one of his old standards.

“Jesus Christ…”

_No wonder it feels like a fucking tomb. It’s a house of broken dreams._

Erwin laughed. “Yeah, sorry. Creepy, I know. I never thought I would move in. But after he died,  preparations and real life work…let’s just say I wasn’t feeling up to doing anything for a while. I’d already sold off my old place, and I couldn’t work up the energy to go house hunting again, so I just moved into this one. I don’t think I’ve changed anything since I came, really. Makes it kind of like living a museum…damn. I didn’t realize how horrible this place was until I brought you here. I don’t really know what I was thinking. I wasn’t, I guess. And now I’ve gone and ruined everything, haven’t I?”

Erwin looked distressed, and Levi wanted him not to be. He took one of the glasses from Erwin, and pulled the man’s arm over his shoulder.

“Eh, it’s not so bad.”

“I’ll move out. I’ll do it soon.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

Levi reached into the fridge and pulled out a container of grape juice.

“Really, Erwin? What are you, five?”

He gave the container a shake. The liquid sloshed around inside.

Erwin smiled. Mission accomplished.

“Don’t judge me. That stuff is very good for post-running rehydration.”

“Is that so?”

Erwin snatched the juice from Levi’s hand.

“Okay, fine. It’s also fucking delicious. Bite me.”

Levi’s smirk was starting to hurt his cheeks. That was always a bad sign. It meant his smirk was actually a dorky smile.

“Well then what will you be having, Mr. Adult?” Erwin asked.

Levi snagged the grape juice from Erwin’s hand. He loved his killer reflexes simply for moments like this.

“The child juice is fine.”

“No way. You don’t properly appreciate it.”

Erwin reached his arm out to snatch it back, but Levi skittered backward and tucked the bottle under his arm.

“I appreciate it just fine.”

“You’re not worthy.”

“Yeah, well _you’re_ the one who’s not supposed to have a sweet tooth,” Levi pointed out.

“What? Who told you that?”

“Hanji.”

Erwin lunged for the container again, but Levi was too quick for him. He darted around the Island standing in the middle of the kitchen, while Erwin gave chase.

“I never told her that.”

Levi made sure to run just quick enough that he was perpetually out of Erwin’s reach.

“She said—“

“I don’t like baked goods. Fruit is an entirely different matter.”

Erwin put on a burst of speed, surprising Levi. The old geezer was fast. Maybe it was all the recent running. Levi had no choice. He pressed his hands to the counter top and vaulted right over to the other side of the island.

“That’s cheating!”

“Not my fault you can’t do it, old man.”

“Oh yeah?”

Levi went pale as Erwin pressed his hand to the countertop.

“Don’t do it. You’ll slip a disc for sure.”

“Hand over the grape juice, asshole.”

“No.”

“We’ll never have sex if I paralyze myself permanently.”

Levi went even paler. There was a dramatic pause, and then Levi slid the grape juice over the counter with a grumpy shove. Erwin snagged the bottle and held it over his head like a trophy.

“You know I was bluffing, right?” Erwin said, once again demonstrating his permanent ability to be a poophead.

“I hate you.”

Erwin was not hurt in the slightest. Probably because the man knew Levi could never speak those words with even a trace of seriousness.

“You know what we can do? Make juice popsicles.”

Levi rolled his eyes.

“Do you even know how to be an adult?”

“Oh come on. They’re amazing. I think I even have those popsicles holders somewhere.”

He pulled open a large drawer and began to rustle around.

“Why would you own something like that?”

“I told you. We used to have tons of kids over all the time. That wasn’t going to change in the new house. We had to be prepared.”

Erwin rummaged around for a few more seconds and then whipped out a plastic contraption Levi had never seen before. Erwin saw the look of confusion on Levi’s face and shook his head.

“Don’t tell me you’ve never made popsicles before.”

“When the hell would I have made popsicles?”

Levi was pretty sure that was the first time the word “popsicles” had ever even passed his lips.

Erwin set the plastic mold down on the counter and unscrewed the grape juice lid.

“Did you have any kind of childhood at all?”

“No. My dad’s idea of fun was seeing how accurately he could land the belt buckle on the same spot on my ass throughout an entire beating.”

_Why do you do that? Why do you take a perfectly light moment and just ruin it like that? This is why no one but Hanji and Petra know how to talk to you._

“Levi?”

_Shit_.

“Yes?”

“Is your father, by any chance, still alive?”

“I don’t know. Haven’t seen him for fifteen years, and never went looking.”

“Would you like me to kill him?”

“I sincerely hope you’re joking.”

“I don’t think I am.”

_Funny. That’s just what Hanji said when I told her._

He decided he might as well give him the same response he’d given his best friend.

“Erwin Albert. If you think I’m going to risk you going to jail for the rest of your life just so you can give my dead beat dad a few knocks on the head then I’ve got some bad news for you.”

“You can’t just use my middle name whenever you’re upset at me. It’s not fair.”

“I’ll use your middle name whenever you bring up my dad.”

“You play dirty.”

“You like it dirty.”

“Don’t flirt with me when I’m being serious.”

“Don’t be serious when I’m trying to flirt with you.”

Erwin was already reaching for him.

“Impossible man,” he growled as he gave Levi’s hair the most thorough ruffling it had ever received.

Levi was smirking, naturally. Erwin nudged him. Levi nudged him back.

“Careful, or I’ll make a mess,” Erwin said.

He began to pour juice into the molds.

“I wouldn’t really mind your mess…”

Levi was keeping his eyes down because he knew that if he looked up at Erwin he would blush and ruin things. He was enjoying the whole unleash-my-new-sensuality thing he had going on, but he wasn’t confident enough to pull it off completely yet. Luckily Erwin was still vulnerable.

The man choked, and his hand jerked, splashing purple all over the marble countertop.

“Levi!”

_I am going to get so fucking good at this._

“Yes?”

“Don’t bully old men!”

“I’m not bullying.”

“Teasing is considered bullying.”

“Well then you’ve been bullying me for a long time, hypocrite.”

Levi leaned back against the counter and settled his elbows down on its top. He wasn’t completely relaxed, but he could look the part.

Erwin set the juice down on the counter.

“You’re not an old man, though.”

“Seven years, Erwin. That’s not a very big difference once you hit your thirties.”

“You look criminally young though.”

“You don’t exactly look like a grandpa either.”

Erwin was moving toward him, but it was Levi who felt like he was being sucked forward. Erwin pressed his palms on the counter on either side of Levi’s elbows.

“Stop turning me on, Levi.”

“Never.”

Levi nudged his hips up. Just a few inches separating their bodies now.

“Getting too sexy for your own good,” Erwin said.

Erwin was gripping the countertop. Levi wondered if it was an attempt to stop his hands from going where they really wanted to go.

“You’re the one who taught me everything I know.”

He tossed his head back and met Erwin’s eyes in a direct challenge.

“Where’s your bedroom, Erwin?”

Erwin’s eyes blew wide open.

“Don’t even think about it.”

“I want you to do unspeakable things to me.”

“That’s not funny, Levi.”

Neither of them were breathing calmly.

“It’s not supposed to be.”

Levi didn’t find eye contact difficult now. He was growing more powerful by the second. He pushed his elbows off the counter, straightening up. Erwin tried to draw back, but Levi slapped his hands down on top of the blonde’s, preventing them from leaving the marble surface.

“Why did you bring me here, Erwin?”

Erwin’s jaw muscle was jumping again, but it wasn’t because he was angry.

“To get you cleaned up. To get you fed.”

“You could have done those things at the Center.”

No answer.

“Answer me truthfully, Erwin. Why did you bring me here?”

Erwin’s breath was punching out of him, but he still wasn’t breaking eye contact. That was one of the things Levi loved about him. He never backed down.

“That _is_ what I thought, Levi. Back then, that’s what I—“

“And now?”

Levi slowly released Erwin’s hands. When the blonde didn’t move, Levi pushed gentle hands onto Erwin’s chest.

“Why do you think you did it, Erwin?”

Erwin shook his head. He still didn’t move.

“Should I tell you why I think you did it?”

“I don’t think…that’s not—“

“Because it’s safe here. It’s quiet. It’s clean.”

Levi didn’t move his hands. He wasn’t trying to overtly seduce at this point. He wanted to understand and communicate.

“You care about me,” he said.

He wondered where he’d found the confidence to make such a statement. Maybe it was Erwin’s proximity. He always felt stronger with his shield in place.

“You want me, but you also want everything we do to be good, safe, trauma free. You don’t want me to panic.”

He lifted his hands off of Erwin’s chest and placed them on Erwin’s hands again, but this time the touch wasn’t restraining.

“And I know that, Erwin. I know how much you care about my safety. And that, more than anything, is what makes me feel safe.”

Levi linked their fingers together.

“Do I feel gross right now? Yes. I was just on a filthy plane and I didn’t use sanitizer even once. I have all those germs all over me still. But they’re not important right now. That’s a milestone, and it’s a milestone I can have because of how safe I feel when I’m with you.”

Levi lifted Erwin’s hands and pressed them against his own chest, right over his heart, which was beating steadily.

“That’s the feeling of no panic, Erwin. And that’s not going to change, even if you kiss me, and take off my clothes, and push yourself inside of me. And that’s because it’s you. I don’t want to do this with anyone except you. And that’s why I agreed to come here. Because as long as it’s you, and your body, I won’t be afraid. So tell me, Erwin. Why is it that you brought me here?”

_Where are these words coming from?_

That was easy. They were coming from inside—from the truth.

_But why am I able to say them? How can I tell him when it’s so risky? If he knows that he’s the only one, then he’ll know everything about how I feel._

But Levi, try as he might, couldn’t think of a reason why that could be a bad thing.

Erwin slid his hands off Levi’s chest, but instead of withdrawing, he let them circle around Levi until they were pressed palm flat against his back. Then he drew Levi in and hugged him, pressing their bodies together and pushing his head into Levi’s shoulder.

It was a healing hug, pure in intent and emotion. And it made Levi feel like he could do anything. He hugged the man back, letting the man’s scent and body fill his senses.

“I don’t think I can tell you, Levi. You may be right. You’re probably right. But even so, we—us, now—let’s wait. Not because I don’t trust your words, and not because I don’t think you’re strong enough…but because I made a promise to myself. I swore that so long as you’re a patient at the center I won’t sleep with you. And if I break that promise, Levi...I don’t want my words to mean nothing. I want to be a good person. Especially around you.”

Levi’s hands had the fabric of Erwin’s shirt bunched in his hands. He wanted to be holding Erwin’s bare body. He wanted every shred of intimacy he could get his hands on.

_Because Erwin is a beautiful person._

And he wasn’t referring to the man’s killer abs.

He lifted his head from Erwin’s chest and tilted his head back. With a measure of reluctance, Erwin raised his head to look at Levi as well. Levi held the man’s gaze, and his heart was light with the realization only he had.

_I’m leaving the center as soon as I get back, so there’s no point in pushing the issue. Don’t make him hurt or regret his promise. You’ll have what you want soon enough._

Levi smiled. He meant it, but it was also a deliberate motion; one meant to calm his partner.

“Okay,” he said. “We’ll do it your way.”

Erwin blinked. “Wait...what?”

“I’ll be good. I’ll let you keep your promise.”

“You’re not going to push for sex?”

“Not as long as I’m at the center.”

A disbelieving smile began to spread across the blonde’s face. It was a beautiful thing. Of course it was. Levi knew that every smile the man ever made would be.

Erwin raised his hand and pressed the back of it first to Levi’s forehead and then to his cheek.

“You sure you’re feeling okay?”

Levi rolled his eyes and smacked the hand away.

“These aren’t the words sprung from a delusional fever, Erwin.”

“Hey, I had to check.”

“Don’t you have popsicles or something to make?”

It was adorable the way the man’s eyes brightened at the word “popsicles.”

_38 year old men aren’t cute. They’re not. They’re--fuck it. I’m not convincing anyone._

Levi pushed gently against Erwin, easing him back. If there wasn’t going to be sex, then the distance thing would probably be a good idea...at least until they weren’t drowning in sexual tension. Erwin caught one of Levi’s belt loops with one finger and gave it a gentle tug.

“You want to shower, sugarplum?”

Levi was starting to think that Erwin wasn’t using that word ironically anymore. And it was kind of terrifying that he wasn’t more freaked out by that idea.

“That depends. Is that an invitation for one, or a party of two?”

Erwin chuckled. He let go of the belt loop. “I don’t have the mental strength to resist any advances you may make on me while soaking wet.”

“I’m even faster when I’m slippery.”

“That’s what I was afraid of.”

Erwin touched the back of Levi’s hand for a moment. It was the gentlest refusal Levi had ever experienced. But he had already been expecting a “no.” he probably would have fallen over if he’d gotten a “yes.”

“Come.”

Erwin turned toward the door.

“I’ll get you some towels. And you can leave your clothes out. I’ll throw them in the laundry along with the RBJ jeans.”

He began to walk forward around the island.

“I’ll leave something of mine to wear until you dry off and then you can—“

Erwin stopped. That was something Levi had expected, but wasn’t ready to face. The problem was that Levi had just done something mortifying. As Erwin had begun to walk, Levi had grabbed hold of the back of Erwin’s shirt and started following him. There was no way to avoid the comparison that leapt to both their minds: Levi was a little duckling holding onto his Erwin.

_Just don’t say anything. Please. I don’t know why I did it. I don’t know. Just—_

Erwin’s arm shot out as he teetered forward. He caught himself on the counter before he could go crashing to the floor. But Levi hadn’t known that the man would catch himself, so as soon as he began to fall, he’d tightened his hand in Erwin’s shirt and wrapped his other arm around the man’s waist. Now they were both standing there, Erwin hunched over and Levi’s front pressed to Erwin’s back, crotch to butt. It was an unparalleled position that could be described only as “compromising.”

Levi looked down at the expanse that was Erwin, marveling.

_So this is what it would look like if I…if Erwin let me…_

No. he couldn’t think about that. It wouldn’t work anyway. A short little thing like him topping a beefcake like Erwin. No. Of course not. So then why were the images sprouting like daisies in his mind?

Levi groaned.

“Shit,” Erwin hissed. “You’re thinking about…”

Levi couldn’t get his arms to unlock. Even though his mind was screaming at him to behave, his body refused to put even an inch between him, and the man he was dying to make his lover.

“Levi…”

Erwin began to straighten up, but that caused his ass to shift directly against Levi’s crotch. He froze again.

“God damn it, Levi! Why are you hard already?”

“I’ve been--”

His voice was a rasp, so he cleared it and tried again.

“I’ve been hard ever since you pressed up against me on the counter.”

“And you didn’t think to warn me?”

“I, uh, didn’t think it was worth mentioning.”

Levi was blushing furiously, and his hand had become permanently tangled with the back of Erwin’s shirt.

Erwin groaned. “Well great. Just perfect. Now I’m hard too. You happy?”

A disbelieving smile spread across Levi’s face.

“Really?”

“Why would I lie about this?”

“Can I see?”

“Of course not!”

“But you’ve seen mine, remember? Back at the center when you were cleaning me after my first attack.”

“What’s that got to do anything?”

“It’s only fair.”

“Your logic has no basis in reality.”

“Just a quick peek.”

“Get off of me!”

“You’re so stingy.”

“Levi!”

“Okay, okay.”

Levi’s fingers felt like they’d been stricken by arthritis, but he finally uncurled them, let go of Erwin, and took a step back. Erwin finally straightened up. The way he did it made him look like he’d been struck by a sudden case of arthritis too.

He spun around and glared at Levi.

“This is all _your_ fault.”

Levi’s eyes went directly to Erwin’s crotch.

“Nice,” he whispered to the straining material.

“What the hell were you thinking?”

Levi’s fingers were itching to reach forward, and he could feel another groan lodged in his throat.

“I wasn’t. But I am now…”

Many ideas were forming—some so creative he had to mentally congratulate himself. Erwin took one look at Levi’s scheming face and stormed off. Naturally, Levi followed him. Seeing Erwin agitated was great fun.

Erwin barreled through doors, throwing himself around the place like an angry pinball—ranting all the while.

“Thinks he can just grab hold of my shirt like some adorable…Like a friggen…I’m OLD. My heart can’t handle shit like that. I’m too old for—Christ. So cute. So so…“

“In my defense—“

“Shut up, Levi. Not a word.”

“Your house is a big place. I was afraid I would get lost.”

“You’re a liar, and a conniving little devil. I should _never_ turn my back on you.”

And true to his word, Erwin reached behind himself and grabbed Levi’s wrist. He wrenched him forward so that they were now walking—or more like being dragged—side by side.

They banged into a room, and it was only when Erwin wrenched open the closet inside did Levi realize where they were standing: in Erwin’s bedroom.

Like the rest of the place, the room was furnished minimally. It had a king sized bed in the middle of it, as well as two bedside tables, lamps, a full length mirror, and a large dresser. The furniture was all dark wood, and there was a white shaggy carpet underfoot. It was tasteful, but Levi didn’t like imagining Erwin sleeping there. It seemed too lonely. The bed had too much space, even for a large blonde.

Erwin shoved a couple of plush white towels as well as an undershirt, boxers, and a set of sweats at Levi.

“Trying to make things as difficult as possible for me…”

It seemed Erwin wasn’t done ranting, even if his volume had dropped to nearly incoherent muttering.

“Thinks I’ve got iron clad control, but I don’t got _shit_.”

Erwin shoved the closet door closed. Levi realized he was almost drunk off of Erwin’s closeness. He slid his fingers down to Erwin’s wrist.

“Hey.”

Erwin didn’t pause. He began to pull Levi from the room, but Levi resisted, jerking his arm back.

“Erwin.”

The blonde paused, and twisted his head around.”

“What is it?”

His voice wasn’t impatient, but it _was_ aggravated, and Levi knew why. He tugged Erwin’s arm again, but more gently this time.

“Don’t worry, Erwin.”

He pulled the blonde the rest of the way around and slid his hands up Eriwn’s arms.

“I’m not going to pull anything. Not now. I won’t do that to you if you don’t want it.”

Erwin blew out his breath and let Levi close them in an embrace. Levi pressed his face to Erwin’s chest which was safe and warm even if the breath moving in and out of it was a little too quick.

“It’s not that I don’t want it, Levi--”

“Shh. I know.”

“I swear Levi, I’ll give you what you want. Just later, when you--”

“I know. I know. Don’t feel guilty about it.”

_Not even for the short amount of time left._

And Levi knew then that he would never let Erwin suffer, even temporarily, if it was preventable. He made sure not to drop his hands below the bottom half of Erwin’s back.

Erwin pressed his lips to the crown of Levi’s head. And then he did it again, and then again, trailing kisses across Levi’s hair and down the side of his face until Levi pushed the palm of his hand up against Erwin’s lips.

“Stop.”

He wished he never had to say that word to the man.

“If you keep that up I’m going to kiss you back, Erwin, and it’s not going to stop, and my lips aren’t going to stay in your hair. And you don’t want that right?”

Erwin groaned, but pulled away.

“No.”

“It won’t be long, though, before we can.”

“I know. I’m too old to be acting this desperate.”

“You’re not desperate.”

“I am. You don’t know, Levi.”

He sighed. He pushed several strands of hair off Levi’s face.

“I can’t get you out of my head. Every time I close my eyes you pop up with your little sexy smirks and your fucking attitude and I...I just can’t get enough of it.”

He let his head fall against Levi’s. It wasn’t a particularly romantic gesture. It seemed to Levi that it was more like Erwin didn’t have the strength to keep his head up anymore.

“I hated those 5 weeks, Levi. I hated them so fucking much.”

_Erwin…_

Levi fingers found the blonde’s shirt again and clenched it tight.

“I don’t want to be apart from you again. I don’t handle it well. I don’t want to handle it. I want you by my side. I want your smiles and your wise ass comments. I want--”

“I want you too, Erwin.”

Levi pulled Erwin closer.

“Here. With me.”

Erwin smiled, and it made him look a little less tired.

“Do you say that to every blonde you meet?”

“As if I’d say anything that embarrassing to anyone else, asshole.”

Erwin pulled his arms away slowly, like they were dead weights. “Bathroom’s two doors down. Now go, before I kiss your grumpy face.”

Levi _wanted_ his grumpy face to be kissed--specifically, his grumpy lips. But he did as he was told and padded out of the bedroom and into the large tiled bathroom. The first thing he was struck by was how clean it all was. Even the corner tiles didn’t have the usual trace of dust everyone else’s bathrooms always had. Levi almost felt bad about using it and getting his germs all over it all.

He set his pile of clothes down beside the sink. Erwin’s clothes. He smoothed his thumb across the soft cotton. Who would have ever thought he’d end up like this?

_If he’d known that just a couple months down the line he’d be this gross and intimate with me, he probably would never have stepped foot in my room that first Wednesday afternoon…_

The thought made him smile. Mostly because he had a feeling Erwin would claim the complete opposite.

He let go of the clothes and went to the tub. The one here had none of the signs of mold that the hotel one had been blessed with. He pushed the sliding glass door open on its track and stared at the faucet thingamabob

He hadn’t used many different showers in his lifetime. In the past five years there had only been three—his apartment’s, the apartment before that, and the one in Hanji’s place. But it seemed that in the past two months he’d been inundated with showers. There were four different ones in the center that he’d used, the one in the hotel, and now this one. New showers were always scary, but the one he faced now was the least intimidating of the ones he’d seen.

Levi turned the faucet to a temperature he believed to be right below “scalding hot” and then bent to remove his clothes. There was a small hamper peeking out from within a small closet inset in one of the bathroom walls. Levi dumped his jeans, socks, boxers, and t-shirt into it, all while trying to touch as little of the germy material as possible.

Levi crossed his arms over his chest. The air in the bathroom seemed cold, but maybe that was only his opinion. He would never admit it, but Erwin had been spot on when he’d mentioned that Levi liked bundling up and cuddling. Winter was his least favorite month, because even though people sweated less and weren’t as prone to gross things like body odor, the cold was unbearable and it went on for far too long. (Also the winter might as well be described as the season of disease, because with coughs, colds and flus, someone was always trying to infect him.)

The shower stared at him, and Levi stared back.

_Erwin’s naked body has been in there pretty much every damn day for who knows how long._

The thought was enough to set his eyebrows on fire.

_Naked. Glistening. With water streaming over his soapy body as he scrubs at himself_.

And then an unfairly monstrous thought occurred to Levi.

_What if he’s jacked off in there?_

The thought was paralyzing. He could feel heat beginning to flood his face and chest.

_He’s definitely jacked off in there._

It was an obvious thought, and he knew his reaction was far too innocent, but he couldn’t help it. This was the first time he’d be using a shower after a guy he was attracted to. Well technically Erwin had used his shower at the Center before, but Levi didn’t think he’d jacked off in there. The showers had always been pretty fast. But maybe he _had._ Suddenly not mentally debating the topic before seemed like a huge oversight on his part.

_If I get in there I’ll be standing on the ghost of Erwin’s jizz._

That was a heartwarming thought if he’d ever heard one… and by heart, he meant dick.

There was a knock at the door. Levi jumped out of his thoughts with a guilty jerk.

“Yeah?”

“Special delivery,” Erwin said through the door.

Levi smirked. This was because he’d just had an excellent idea. But he was 112% positive that if he threw the door open and exposed the blonde to all his naked glory like he’d just imagined…he’d probably get a punch in the spleen for his trouble.

Levi glanced at one of his towels, sighed distastefully, and then wrapped it around his waist and pulled the door open, leaning casually0.

“You decided to change your mind about showering with me?”

Erwin’s reaction was worth it. He didn’t bother going with anything smooth, he just clapped his hand over his eyes.

“Jesus _Christ_ , Levi.”

“Hmm…I was hoping you’d be naked.”

Levi was just as disappointed as he sounded.

“You weren’t supposed to be this indecent yet.”

“Contrary to popular belief, I don’t actually shower with my clothes on, Erwin.”

“You could have _warned_ me.”

“That wouldn’t have been nearly as fun.”

Even though Erwin still had his face covered, Levi could somehow sense that Erwin was rolling his eyes.

“Just cover yourself.”

“If you keep acting like a prude I’m going to drop the towel.”

“Don’t you dare.”

“Three…”

“Stop it Levi.”

“Two…”

“You damn…”

“One…”

“Shit! All right. All right. Just…”

Erwin dropped his hand and shoved past Levi into the bathroom.

“You suck so much,” he said.

He plonked several items down on the counter. Levi realized he wasn’t quite done messing with the other man.

“I’ve actually never sucked anyone off before.”

He leaned back against the sink, trying to catch Erwin’s eye.

“Wouldn’t mind trying it out on you, though.”

Erwin was taking deep calming breaths, but it didn’t look like it was working.

“You said you wouldn’t pull anything. You promised.”

“That’s right. I promised not to _do_ anything. I never said a word about keeping my mouth shut.”

Erwin groaned.

“Can’t you just—“

“No. I can’t. This is the best I can do right now, Erwin.”

“You’re driving me crazy.”

_Good. Now you know how I feel_.

Because Erwin had been driving Levi crazy for as long as he’d known him. And now just looking at the man’s beautiful face, and the lust etched into it, was making him want to claw his own eyes out.

Erwin pushed up his sleeves, obviously trying to get focused.

“Okay. I’ve got spares of everything here. Feel free to use what you want. I can scrub the shower down again, though I swear I did it just before I left to Maine.“

“Why?”

“Because I’ve learned from working with you that cleaning is really therapeutic, and it’s become an automatic reaction whenever I’m stressed.”

_Hallelujah. Someone finally understands._

“Forget it, Erwin. Everything’s fine. You don’t need to do anything.”

“The cleaning products are under the sink. And I can bring you some sanitizer—“

“I said it’s fine, Erwin.”

“I know, but just in case I want to make sure—“

“At this point you’re just clawing at excuses to keep yourself here with my godly abs, aren’t you?”

Erwin stopped running at the mouth and blinked up at Levi.

“What? But I’m not—“

Levi smirked.

_He’s so cute when he’s confused._

Too bad it didn’t happen enough.

Erwin shoved past Levi.

“Okay, I get it. I’m being overprotective.”

He was, but Levi felt a little bad for pointing it out anyway.

He wanted to erase that from the board and start again with a different image, so he called out to Erwin just as the man put his hand on the doorknob.

“Wait, but if you go now you’ll miss the show.”

Erwin twisted his head around in spite of himself.

“Show?”

Levi’s smirk grew wider.

“Well I’ll be masturbating in the shower, of course.”

If he’d thought the man’s reaction was good before, it was pretty much solid gold now. Erwin’s shoulders tensed up, and then, without a word he wrenched the door open and then slammed it behind him. Levi waited. Two seconds later he heard it. A muffled scream of unrelenting sexual frustration.

Levi chuckled.

_It’s his own fault for not fucking me_.

But Levi decided to get to washing up before he could feel guilty about teasing the poor blonde. He stepped into the shower, ignoring the items Erwin had brought in for him, and let the hot spray hit his face. He tried to ignore how much larger a bathtub could feel without his Erwin in it with him.

***

Levi scrubbed at his hair with an intensity bordering on violence. He was so cold, but it was always like that after a shower. He dropped the towel and reached for the pile of clothes. He had soft satisfaction on his face.

_I did it._

He picked the boxers up, marveling at how normal the gesture felt.

_I didn’t wash it with soap, but it’s fine._

He looked down at his dick. He wouldn’t call himself satiated—that would never happen so long as screwing Erwin was not yet in the picture—but he was no longer as bad as he’d been before.

He hadn’t really meant it when he’d told Erwin that he’d be masturbating, but then the idea had taken hold of his mind and he’d thought _why the hell not?_ The past few days, though incredible, had been fraught with an almost un-survivable level of horniness. When he’d stepped into the shower and closed his eyes to wash his hair, images of Erwin had flooded his mind, and he hadn’t been able to get them to stop. Before he knew it, he’d had his hand clamped around his erection and he hadn’t let go until he’d spilled his need onto the tub’s ceramic surface. His eyes had watched the swirls of water drink it down, Erwin’s name still spilling from his lips. Like every other time that he’d thought of the man like this, he’d been left a gasping ragged mess. Thankfully his recovery was getting better. The first time it had happened Levi hadn’t come back to himself for over fifteen minutes. In the shower it had taken him only a couple. He’d been about to wash his fingers off when something had occurred to him.

_What if I taste gross?_

He’d never had the thought before because he’d never cared to have it. Erwin was the first person he’d ever wanted to have anything to do with his dick.

_If it’s bad then I can’t ever let him…_

And then he’d pushed his semen coated finger into his mouth, just like that, without any kind of emotional preparation, and…it hadn’t been that bad.

It hadn’t been good, but it had been survivable. He’d expected a lot worse.

Levi had gargled some water after that, and he’d let the water run over his body, but he hadn’t scrubbed himself down with soap again. He’d been telling Erwin that he was ready for sex, but he couldn’t _really_ be ready until he knew that he could handle sex juices without running to shower the second everything was through. That would scream the message “I hated it” even if the reality couldn’t be further from the truth.

But Levi needn’t have worried. He pulled the boxers on, followed by the undershirt.

_When the time comes, I’ll be ready._

Levi tried not to remember that the boxers he was wearing had previously been on Erwin’s butt. He really did try, but he still failed miserably. He shivered, and it wasn’t just because of the cold.

_He can complain all he wants about how crazy I’m driving him, but I’ll always have it worse._

Levi knew he wasn’t bad looking, but he also knew he wasn’t the chiseled god that Erwin was. He fingered the cotton lightly.

_I wonder if I’ll be able to keep them without him noticing._

But that was a dumb thought for dumb lovesick fools, and though he knew he was lovesick, he tried not to be an idiot about it, so he stopped focusing on the underwear, and opened the door.

“Erwin?” he called out, managing to feel even dumber.

He was aware that he wasn’t wearing the sweats Erwin had given him. The cold wouldn’t let him forget that. But some things you had to sacrifice for the sake of driving someone else crazy, and Levi had already accepted it.

“In the kitchen!” Erwin called back.

_It’s showtime._

Levi stepped out of the bathroom and traced his steps back to the kitchen. He wondered whether Erwin hadn’t given him socks on purpose. He highly doubted it. Erwin didn’t make many mistakes, but, then again, he’d also been distracted at the time. It didn’t matter. Levi was flushed with triumph as he made his way, barefoot, across a floor that hadn’t been washed in several days. He couldn’t remember when the last time he’d done that had been.

Erwin was chopping a salad up on the island. He’d removed his button up, but unfortunately donned a cotton undershirt much like the one Levi was wearing. All around the kitchen the smell of cooking was apparent. Something was bubbling on the stove and the air was filled with heat from the oven. Erwin had some beaded sweat on his eyebrow, but to Levi the much warmer temperature was now perfect.

“I thought you said this was Mike’s kitchen.”

Erwin’s head jerked up. When his eyes found Levi’s scantily dressed form he quickly looked back down at his work. That was good. Levi didn’t want him to accidentally chop off any fingers.

“It wouldn’t kill you to give my poor heart a break every once in a while,” Erwin muttered.

_Where’s the fun in that?_

Levi crossed over to Erwin and ducked beneath the man’s arm, squeezing himself between the man’s chest and the counter. “Need any help?” he asked, like the cheeky asshole he so much enjoyed being.

Erwin laughed and put down the knife. He wrapped his arms around Levi and kissed the back of his head. “Impossible man,” he said into his hair.

“You love it,” Levi said. He was trying not to shiver. Erwin’s fingers were teasing the bottom of the undershirt he was wearing.

Erwin’s mouth moved closer to Levi’s ear.

“You have no fucking idea.”

Levi sucked in sharply. He reached back to grab Erwin, but the man had already stepped away. Levi stifled a groan and watched as the man went to the fridge to retrieve the lemon juice.

_I forgot that he’s still the master at teasing._

Erwin kicked the fridge door closed and then pulled one of the cabinets open to hunt for some spices.

“I won’t poison you by the way,” Erwin said. He tossed Levi both the lemon juice and the black pepper, and then went back to hunting through the cabinets.

Levi caught the items and set them down on the counter. “Poison?”

“With my cooking. I learned a couple of things during the five weeks. Simple things--but hey, that’s better than nothing, right?”

Levi, who had picked up the knife to continue with the salad where Erwin had left off, set it right back down again.

“Wait. You learned how to cook?”

Erwin rolled his eyes and tossed Levi a couple more things: salt, and garlic powder.

“What do you think all this is?”

He pointed toward the stove.

Levi shrugged. “I dunno, chemistry? Hanji’s always messing around in the kitchen, and it never results in anything edible.”

Erwin laughed. “Has anyone in your life known how to cook?”

Levi shrugged again. He wanted Erwin to come back and touch him a little more.

“Petra can, a little. Mostly she cheats and buys store bought food and then heats it up hoping no one will notice.”

“Really? So you’re saying that her award winning pie with the recipe passed down from her great grandmother--”

“Is a complete sham. She buys it every fourth of July from the Costco bakery section.”

‘Get the fuck out of here.”

“Who are you going to believe, me, your favorite douchenut, or some wannabe pie baker?”

“My whole life is a lie…”

“Everyone’s is.”

“Is it too late for me to start developing trust issues?”

“It’s never too late, even though you’ve got one foot in the grave already.”

“An inspirational cynic. Now I’ve seen everything.”

Erwin stopped rustling through the cabinets and went to stand by the stove. He lifted the lid off the bubbling pot and peered inside.

“You know who was all right at cooking? Farlan,” Levi said.

He was surprised that there was no familiar heart wrenching throbbing at the mention of his dead friend. That was the kind of progress he could get behind.

_Was it really just the guilt over their deaths that kept everything so painful?_

“He had 62 different recipes for potatoes. It was his point of pride. He taught me seven of them.”

“Why seven?”

“Because that’s one for every day of the week, and I told him more than that is just pointless extravagance.”

Levi went to stand beside Erwin. He peered into the pot as well. It was a deep red and had a bunch of things floating in it.

“Tomato soup?” He guessed.

“More or less. Would you like to subject it to a taste test?”

Levi was about to agree but then he spotted something on the surface.

“Is that a whole clove of garlic?”

Erwin peered closer.

“Whoops. How did that get in there?”

“Erwin!”

“I swear I didn’t do it. Must have been Desmond.”

“You can’t blame your horrific cooking skills on a lizard.”

“Watch me.”

Levi sighed and held his hand out. Wordlessly, Erwin handed him a spoon. Levi fished the offensive object out.

“You’re supposed to dice it into tiny pieces.”

“I know _that_. I’m not completely braindead. I said it was an accident.”

“How do you accidentally dump--”

“I was nervous, okay?”

Levi looked at Erwin. He took in the furrowed brow, and tense shoulders, and realized that Erwin _was_ nervous. And that made Levi nervous too.

“Why?”

“Because the kitchen is a frightening place.”

“But you--you’re pretty much the most competent person I’ve ever met.”

“Well, not in the kitchen.”

“Cooking is pretty much just following instructions.”

“Yeah, well, the instructions don’t translate well from paper to reality.”

Levi sighed. He squinted at the bubbling liquid. In Erwin’s defense, the floating garlic seemed to be an anomaly.

“You didn’t taste this yet yourself, did you?”

“That would be a good assumption.”

“Coward.”

“Hey, I don’t have a death wish.”

“You said you learned to cook!”

“The only test subject I’ve had so far is myself, so the statement was biased. Even Nanaba refused to try anything after the poisonous quiche I fed her two years ago.”

“It couldn’t have been _that_ bad.”

“She was in the bathroom for two days straight exploding out of both ends.”

Levi dropped the spoon he was holding.

“Fuck it. There’s no way I’m risking that.”

He backed away, but Erwin wrapped an arm around his waist and spun him around.

“No, you have to! Come on, I’m a changed man.”

“You’re a fucking death trap. That’s what you are.”

“Please! You’re the only one strong enough to withstand the consequences if anything goes wrong.”

“Get the hell off me, Smith!”

“Not on your life, Ackerman.”

Levi couldn’t get his next sentence out because he had started to laugh. Then Erwin was laughing too. Levi stumbled back, and Erwin caught him. Then it became a free for all as each one’s laughter fueled the other’s. Nobody was sure who was holding up who, and then no one was holding up anyone as they both sank to their knees, hands clenched on each other’s arms as they gasped and wheezed and generally made fools of themselves.

“You’re such an _idiot_ ,” Levi finally managed. He wiped the back of his hand across his eyes and almost fell over.

“You still have to taste it,” Erwin insisted.

Levi let out half a laugh. Erwin completed it. And then they were off again, both laughing like nincompoops.

“Stop, _stop_ , it hurts to breathe,” Levi wheezed, clenching his stomach.

“You started it.”

“No, you did.”

“You came to my house.”

“Well you cooked the fucking soup.”

“Well you’re the reason I cooked the fucking soup.”

“And you’re the reason I’m here at all. You wanna argue in circles? Let’s go. I got all day.”

“I’d love to keep you here all day.”

“Arguing?”

“Not arguing.”

They were both wearing knowing smirks.

Erwin pressed his hand flat against Levi’s chest. “This little outfit of yours should be illegal.”

“You’re the one who gave it to me.”

“I’m pretty sure I gave you more than this.”

“The other bits were optional.”

“Oh?”

“The ones I’m wearing now are optional too.”

Erwin slapped his hand over his eyes.

Levi couldn’t help exploiting the weakness left open to him.

“I can’t believe I’m wearing your underwear.”

Erwin let his hand slide down his face, stretching his skin in a clearly frustrated way.

“Me neither.”

“Can I keep them?”

“Absolutely not. I’ll never stop wondering whether you’re wearing them or not, and then I won’t be able to stop picturing it, and I’ll drive myself crazy and never get any work done at all.”

“I could always wear no underwear at all.”

“Don’t you dare. I’ll never be flaccid again.”

“You say that like it’s a bad thing.”

“It _is_ a bad thing. My brain will die because of the shortage of oxygenated blood traveling to it.”

“Well you might not have a choice in the matter.”

Levi couldn’t decide whether the expression on Erwin’s face was intrigue or fear.

“And why is that?”

“Because your boxers are loose and they’re liable to slip off at any moment.”

It was fear. Definitely fear. With more lust mixed in than Levi knew what to do with.

“Put on some damn pants, Levi.

“No use. Those will fall off too.”

“I’m not sure how, but you’ve arranged all this to your advantage.”

“I’m too horny to plan that elaborately.”

So close now. Levi could feel Erwin’s breath on his face.

“Fuck, I’m going to kiss you, aren’t I?”

“Looks like it.”

“I’m not supposed to do that.”

“Don’t worry. I won’t tell anyone.”

Erwin’s fingers found his hair, and Levi was aching to jump forward and cling to the other man. He could see the individual lashes on the blonde’s eyes now, long and thick.

_So much prettier than mine,_ Levi thought thinking of his own short and dark lashes.

All of Erwin’s hair was glorious, he realized. Not just the stuff on his head and eyebrows. Levi hadn’t known that body hair could be beautiful. To him it was just something that filth and germs could cling to, and that’s why Levi had gotten all of his lasered off several years ago. He had never worried about looking like a weird lizard creature because he hadn’t thought he’d ever be sexually intimate with anyone ever again. But now he worried. Even though his mind was foggy with desire, intrusive worry over his freaky hairlessness kept butting in.

_He must hate it. I don’t look like a man. He’ll cringe when he puts his hands on my body, and I’ll know, and I’ll probably fucking cry because I can’t even do anything about it anymore. I’m stuck like this forever, and he’ll hate it because I look like some kind of--”_

Something darted up Erwin’s arm, distracting Levi. His eyes jerked to catch it, but by then it was too late because the thing had already made a flying leap off the arm and onto Levi’s face.

“Lizard!” Levi screamed, unconsciously completing his mental sentence as tiny scaly feet scrambled over his face trying to find purchase on the rapidly changing surface.

“Desmond!” Erwin cried out, reaching for Levi who had already leapt up and was clawing at his face. “Bad boy!”

Erwin’s hands grabbed Levi.

“God, Levi. I’m so sorry about this.”

“Just get him off!”

“Of course, I’m so--Desmond! Off! What did I say about surprise attacks?”

Erwin pushed his hand onto Levi’s face, and Desmond crawled onto it and up the blonde’s arm to rest on his shoulder as if everything was perfectly ordinary. Erwin ignored the reptile for a moment as he smoothed his hand over Levi’s traumatized expression.

“Come. Let’s go wash your face. I just put out fresh washcloths.

Erwin led Levi back to the bathroom. It was still steamy from the shower. Erwin turned on the water and Levi bent to splash his face. When he was finished, Erwin began to dry Levi himself, apologizing all the while.

“I really am sorry, Levi. He did the same thing to Nanaba and Nile. I thought I’d trained him out of it, but I guess not. I should have warned you. I meant to. But then I got distracted. I don’t know why he does that. I tried googling it, but no one else’s lizard seems to greet new people by throwing themselves onto newcomers’ faces.”

Erwin finished with drying, and set to brushing wet strands of hair from Levi’s face. The fingers were still frantic with worry, and strangely it was that panic that calmed Levi. He began to laugh and found one of Erwin’s hands and linked their fingers together.

“Trust you to buy a crazy lizard.”

He looked at Desmond, who was sitting on Erwin’s shoulder still, his black and green tail curled around Erwin’s ear while looking disdainfully back at him. Levi could sympathize with the lizard’s degree of possessiveness.

“Did he throw himself at your face when you first saw him in the store?”

Erwin’s eyes were finally calming down as he realized that Levi was over his freak attack.

“No. That’s the weird thing. He’s never done it to me. When I first found him he was almost shy.”

“He probably thinks he’s some sort of guard dog.”

Erwin reached a finger up to Desmond. The lizard flicked out his tongue and licked the top of it.

“Nah, he’s just an escape artist with acrobatic tendencies.”

Levi stared at the reptile. Now it was nuzzling Erwin’s finger and making soft happy hissing sounds. He’d never thought a lizard could be so affectionate. It was almost as though Desmond could feel Levi’s eyes on him, though, because his eyes narrowed and kept Levi squarely in his field of vision.

“I don’t think he likes me,” Levi said.

“Don’t be ridiculous. He likes everyone I like.”

Levi stared at Desmond. The lizard’s eyes narrowed even further.

“No, I’m pretty sure you’re wrong about that.”

Erwin frowned. He held his fingers out to Desmond and the lizard climbed on top of them. Erwin brought him close to his face, still wearing his frowny face, and said.

“Listen, Desmond. Levi is a guest in our home, and also a very important person in my life. You’re to make him feel welcome. Understood?”

For a creature without the typical human range of facial movements, Desmond sure was able to pull off a lot of emotions. Now he was giving Erwin a wounded expression, but the blonde was having none of it.

“Don’t look at me that way. Yes I was gone for a little while, but that’s no reason to take it out on Levi. If you’re upset at me, just say so. Now apologize.”

Desmond hid his face behind one of his scaly arms. It didn’t really work. His arms were so thin and tiny, and his head was quite bulbous. Levi didn’t know much about reptiles, but even with his limited knowledge, he thought it safe to say that Desmond was not an especially pretty creature. Still, he also had to admit that the way the little thing seemed to intuitively comprehend Erwin, despite the interspecies language barrier, was kind of cute.”

“Apologize,” Erwin said more sternly. “And then I’ll give you a page from The New York Times.”

Desmond’s face peeked out from over his arm. Erwin met his eyes. Finally the small creature twisted itself around and stared at Levi.

_He’s jealous_ , Levi realized. _He wants Erwin’s company and love all to himself._

Levi realized he was having feelings of sympathy for a lizard, but that didn’t stop him. He tried to convey the appropriate level of commiseration with his eyes.

_You and me both, buddy_ , he thought.

He also realized that the lizard had the same hairless problem that he had, and yet Erwin was still looking at him with overflowing affection.

Maybe Desmond sensed Levi’s feelings, or maybe he just wanted that New York Times page, but either way he stepped forward and inclined his head.

“Just hold out your hand to him, Levi,” Erwin encouraged.

Levi did as he was asked. He wasn’t afraid of the thing’s germs. He’d only freaked out a little because of the suddenness of their introduction.

He held out his hand. When it was at Desmond’s level, the small creature bumped his head against one of Levi’s knuckles, and then licked the nub of bone. He made it look like Levi’s hand tasted like regret and bad dreams, but Levi cracked a smile anyway.

_Just as dramatic as your owner_ , he thought as Desmond wiped at his mouth repeatedly with a scaly hand.

“Now that’s just rude,” Erwin said, clearly miffed. “Levi’s the best thing you’ve ever tasted and you know it.”

Desmond scampered back up onto Erwin’s shoulder and ducked his head beneath the collar of his undershirt. Erwin rolled his eyes and reached up to pet the little guy.

“The little devil’s just pissed because he wasn’t able to use me as his doormat for a few days.”

Desmond wiggled his butt and then all of him disappeared under Erwin’s shirt. A little Desmond shaped lump crawled down Erwin’s chest and stopped in the center. Erwin prodded the lump with one finger. “Weirdo,” he said.

A little indent appeared in Erwin’s shirt as Desmond poked him back. The image of Erwin being a dork with his dumb lizard was so cute that Levi couldn’t look directly at it. He turned back to the counter and picked up the spoon.

“Wait! Does that mean you’re actually going to try it?”

Levi met Erwin’s shocked eyes and raised eyebrows with a brave face.

“Naturally. I never back down from a challenge.”

He dipped the spoon beneath the surface of the soup, but Erwin’s hand touched his wrist before he could lift it to his lips.

“But what if your kidneys shut down?”

“You’re a medical professional. I’m sure I’ll survive. And hey, dialysis is always an option.”

“It is _not_. I’ve changed my mind.”

He tugged the spoon from Levi’s grip, but he hadn’t even tightened his fingers fully around it before Levi had it back in his hand. No one could take anything from him if he didn’t want them to. He ducked beneath Erwin’s arm, scooped up a spoonful of soup, and pushed it into his mouth.

“Levi!”

Levi considered the soup briefly. It was almost too hot to taste. His tongue was mildly scalded, but what he did get from the soup wasn’t too bad, in fact it was pretty good. Levi pushed past a floundering Erwin and dipped back into the soup. This time he blew on it before he popped the spoon into his mouth. There was no doubt about it. Erwin’s soup was edible.

“Well?”

Levi enjoyed the frantic look on Erwin’s face.

“ _Well_?”

Levi had a terrible idea. It would make Erwin mad as hell. Levi knew he’d feel a bit guilty over it too, but only a bit, and that’s why he decided to go ahead with it.

“I don’t know,” he said with the kind of infuriating nonchalance he knew would get to Erwin. “You tell me.”

This time when he shoved yet another spoonful passed his lips he didn’t swallow. Instead, he held the hot liquid in his mouth as he yanked Erwin down and kissed him.

Soup dribbled down between them, but Levi didn’t care. He’d finally gotten back what he’d been dying to finish on the plane. His mouth pushed Erwin’s open and then he was inside: touching, tasting—Erwin was better than any soup. He strained to get higher. He threw his arms around Erwin’s neck and leapt up, wrapping his legs neatly around the man’s waist as Erwin’s neck bent back from the force of Levi’s kiss. They stumbled back, and Erwin’s hips hit the counter. The surprise knocked a moan out of him, and Levi drank it in, his entire body sizzling from the thrill of the sound.

_Need him to make more. Need to see and hear him come undone._

Levi had expected a little guilt, but there was none at all he gasped into Erwin’s mouth. Everything was wet, and about to get wetter—Levi would make sure of it. But then there was a little something Levi had forgotten about. A smooth scaly thing shoved itself into his ear and made him jerk back so fast he nearly left his lips behind.

“What the _fuck_.”

Levi’s eyes darted from the breathless face of his hot partner to the furious little reptile on his shoulder. Desmond was glaring at Levi in all his black beady eyed glory. He was waving his tail—the culprit for the ear attack—menacingly.

“Oh _come on!_ ”

And he’d actually began to sort of like the little thing…

“You cockblocking little shit.”

Levi was about to grab the little thing and toss it somewhere less intrusive when Erwin’s voice stopped him.

“He’s just making sure you keep your promise.”

Erwin’s voice was still breathless, and it was a little raspy too—which was distracting—but Levi immediately rounded on the meaning behind the words.

“It was a shitty promise in the first place. I never liked it.”

Erwin flicked Levi’s nose. “You don’t like a lot of things.”

Levi resented everything in the world keeping Erwin’s lips away from his.

“I Like you though…” he mumbled.

“What was that?”

“Nothing.

“Pretty sure it was something.”

“Pretty sure you should drop it before I drown your lizard in the fucking soup.”

Desmond whacked Levi on the cheek with his tail, and then scampered into Erwin’s hair for protection. Levi growled. Two against one was unfair. Some might argue that fighting against Erwin and a lizard only counted as one and a half, but Desmond wasn’t just any lizard. He was obviously an adept fighter, and Levi had to grudgingly admit that he was a worthy opponent.

“Behave. Both of you.”

“He started it,” Levi grumbled.

Desmond was edging forward to get another whack in, but Levi quelled the motion with a glare.

“You were the one who almost crushed him, Levi.”

“That was an accident. I was just trying to kiss you. His tail action, on the other hand, was totally on purpose.”

“Are you really going to pick a fight with a lizard?”

“I’ll pick a fight with anyone who tries to stop me from getting into your pants.”

“Does that rule include me?”

“It especially includes you.”

“Levi…”

“I know, I know. _Jesus_. Stop looking at me like that already.”

“I just...I thought you would like Desmond.”

There was no way to describe Erwin’s expression without using the word heartbroken.

“I do...kinda,” Levi said, trying to backpedal, but trying not to lie either.

“I told him so much about you. I was sure he was excited about this.”

_Excited to poke my eye out, maybe._

Levi sighed. He’d always suspected that he’d have a problem with his future in-laws if by whatever freak accident he wound up getting married. It was time to forge a peace--for the sake of his beautiful blonde.

He looked at Desmond who was still clinging to Erwin’s hair, tail dancing behind him. Levi realized that he and the lizard had a lot in common. They were both small pissed off assholes who would do anything to protect Erwin. Maybe that’s why there was so much tension between them.

Levi held his pinkie out to Desmond.

“I’ll stop if you do.”

Desmond just stared at him.

_Greedy little shit_.

“And I’ll try to be civil.”

The lizard blinked once, but that was it.

_Geez, what more does this pisshead want?_

But Levi knew the answer to that one.

“And I won’t try to kiss him without his permission again.”

Desmond gave him a doubtful look. Levi understood that. He was doubtful of his ability to carry out his promise as well.

“I will.”

But that wasn’t going to be enough.

“If I break my promise I’ll force myself to wear a blindfold for two days.”

Desmond flicked his tail.

“ _Fine_. A week.”

Levi could have sworn that the corners of the creature’s mouth turned up a bit.

_Spiteful little thing._

Levi knew that Desmond was aware of what a week of sight meant to Levi. It meant 7 days without seeing Erwin’s face.

_Hopefully I’ll never have to go through that._

Slowly--obnoxiously slowly--Desmond lowered his tail and wrapped it around Levi’s pinkie.

_Talk about a hard won treaty…_

But the sacrifice of his pride was worth the smile spreading on Erwin’s face.

“You guys are adorable.”

Both Desmond and Levi shot Erwin reproachful looks.

“What? I’m just stating facts.”

Desmond uncurled his tail, and Levi dropped his hand back to Erwin’s front.

“Well then if I can’t kiss you, what are we going to do until the food’s ready?” Levi asked.

Erwin smiled. It had a terrible darkness to it. Levi swallowed.

“Oh, I have a few ideas…”

***

Levi pushed the car door open and jumped out. He liked Erwin’s car--something he never thought he’d ever think. Cars were like death traps of germs, but Erwin’s wasn’t. It smelled like the blonde and antiseptic wipes. Heaven on earth.

“Prepare your ass,” Erwin said as he stepped out from the driver’s side and locked the car. “Nile’s probably going to fuck us both up pretty good over this.”

“My ass can handle anything he can dish out.”

“I wouldn’t be too sure about that. If he can hold his own against Hanji then you’re no match for him.”

Levi reached for Erwin’s hand, and, surprisingly, the blonde let him take it.

_Guess he figures we’re both screwed anyway. In for a penny, in for a pound as old men like him would probably say._

“Whatever. It’s not like I have to believe anything like a cheater like you says anyway.”

Levi knew exactly what that would set off, but he said it anyway.

“For the last time, I was not--”

“You were totally cheating. Nobody wins that many rounds of charades on raw talent alone.”

They’d already exhausted this topic in the car, but Levi was good at beating subjects to death, and he found that this favorite pastime of his was even more fun when the person he was arguing with was Erwin. It also helped that their “arguments” inevitably led to flirting and hungrily staring at each other’s lips.

“Like I said, it was raw talent aided by my phenomenal intellect and instinctive understanding of human nature.”

Levi was forever awed by Erwin’s ability to turn bullshit into sound logic.

“Yeah right. I know you were looking at the cards, asshole. Every time I picked one you’d lean over pretending to stretch.”

“I _was_ stretching.”

“No one needs to stretch that often.”

“Old men do. When you get to be my age come back and tell me I told you so.”

“You’re not going to be sick of me by then?”

“Oh I’ll be more than sick of you by then, but that ‘I told you so’ will be worth it.”

_That’s all right. So long as you keep me around I don’t care what the reason is._

Erwin squeezed his hand. Levi hoped it wasn’t because he was using his freaky mind reading ability again. His thoughts were embarrassing enough when they were kept to himself. Having an audience would kill him.

“I bet Desmond was helping you cheat.”

“Take that back. Desmond is an upstanding citizen.”

“The only thing he’s ‘upstanding’ on is your head. Does he always cling to you?”

Levi regretted the comment because of how smug it made Erwin look. “Why. Jealous?”

“No.”

_Maybe a little._

“I’m just wondering if that means that I’ve been covered in lizard germs all this time without noticing.”

“I like to rub my hands all over you when you’re sleeping to make sure i’ve got as much surface area of you covered in germs as possible. My actions are a conspiracy, god is dead, and everything is a lie.”

“Damn it, why do you wait until I’m asleep to rub your hands all over me?”

“Because you take every opportunity I give you and try to turn it into sex.”

“Well can you blame me?”

They stopped in front of the Center’s doors.

_It’s a little weird to feel nostalgia for a place you’ve been away form for less than 48 hours,_ Levi reminded himself.

He didn’t know why he felt a sad warmth in his chest. Maybe it was because none of the places he’d lived in he’d felt attached to (and experiencing homier feelings for an addiction center than your actual home was just sad). Or maybe it was because he knew it was his last time entering the place as a patient.

_I’ll miss them all_.

Levi was used to caring about only a handful of people at a time, but now...he hadn’t known that his heart could hold so many people.

_But I’m the last of the individual group that’s left. It’s time to go._

Sure he liked the new people that had joined, but this was just a stop-in station. You came in, dropped your shit, and got out. It was time to finally claim a real life for himself. One that wasn’t just subsistence.

Levi felt a hand on his shoulder. Erwin’s face was like warm water on tired muscles.

“Ready?”

Levi took that to mean a lot of things. Ready to rid himself of the germs, ready to face the outside world. Ready to laugh and cry and do dumb shit, and eat grape juice popsicles, and fly on planes and wear sexy jeans.

Ready to stop worrying others. Ready to say goodbye and start again.

He wanted to shout his answer, or say it cool and nonchalant. But he didn’t, because that wouldn’t be real, and Erwin deserved real. So instead Levi linked their fingers tighter and in a voice that was just a little quiet said, “Ready.”

Erwin pushed open the door. Sounds, smells and voices all hit him like the blunt end of a hammer, but it was a good hammer, a welcome one, because even though it was loud and overwhelming, it was familiar. He leaned into the overly chilled antiseptic air instead of shrinking from it, and his ears strained to pick up the familiar voices of people he’d come to love in his two month stay.

But something was wrong. He could feel it in the way Erwin stiffened beside him that the blonde had realized it too. There was a note of urgency in the voices around him, and the pace was frenetic. As they walked down the hall toward the rec room, the voices grew louder, and now Levi could hear traces of panic. Overlaying the voices was the sound of a TV with the volume turned up far too much. Tendrils of worry began to curl through his body, starting in his stomach.

His instincts would always turn to her first.

_Find Zoe. Make sure she’s all right._

His pace sped up, but Erwin was already matching it.

They were almost at the Rec room. Levi could see familiar backs. There was Erd in his usual white scrubs. Like Erwin he never wore anything other than the white ones. Gunther was the one who always wore the ones with the cartoon characters. He was there too. They were both staring up at the large TV that occupied one wall. Auruo was there too, as were Shadis, Ian, and Hitch.

_Why are so many staff members down here? It’ll be time to distribute 6 o’clock meds soon, and evening activities should be in full swing. Rec room time isn’t until later._

Levi began to run. He let go of Erwin’s hand as his mind began to race with thoughts of the worst possibility.

_She’s hurt. Something happened to her. My Zoe is--_

Levi skittered to a halt, because Hanji was there. She had turned around and caught Levi’s eye, the sixth sense she had for him proving itself alive and well. And though Hanji looked entirely healthy, she still managed to bring Levi slamming to a full stop. It was her eyes. They weren’t fun crazy. They were furious “I’m going to fuck your shit up and then stuff it all up your ass” crazy.

Levi took one step back, and then another.

_This isn’t running away, it’s a tactical retreat._

But he couldn’t turn around. The eyes wouldn’t let him.

He took another step back and bumped into Erwin, who raised his arms to steady Levi. And something about that motion, about Erwin holding him, set Hanji further ablaze. That was when she began to both walk forward, and speak.

“You!”

The word boomed out of her. Levi sometimes forgot that her voice could get scary.

“You imbecilic shit!”

_Uh oh._

“I’m going to murder you and then stuff you up your own ass!”

_I knew there would be ass stuffing involved._

“How? That’s the fucking question. How could someone so reserved, so private, so fucking antisocial make _that_ big of a scene?”

Levi had no idea what she was talking about, but couldn’t help feeling a touch resentful regardless.

_Going by how she’s acting now it’s kind of hypocritical that she should be talking about making a scene._

Because all eyes were on Levi now. And he noticed that there were even more people than he’d noticed at first.

_Oh shit. Why’s Petra here? She hates the Center. It depresses her. And Nanaba, why would she-and fucking Moblit? Shit. If he’s here than that means that there’s a huge mess that no one else will be able to clean._

“If I’d thought you were going to pull shit like that, I never would have agreed to let you go alone!”

_Speak up, or stay silent? Which will give me an easier death._

“I trusted you, Levi. When everyone else expressed their doubts, I said no, he’ll be fine. He promised me. He _promised_ me.”

_Speak up, it is._

“But I _am_ fine. I returned my soul in one piece, just like I said I would. Actually, it’s stronger than it is when I left. And I dragged Erwin back to. I did everything right.”

Levi expected more backlashing. What he didn’t expect was a low almost silent laughter that swelled and swelled until it was a crescendo of maniacal craziness. Levi could do nothing but stare as it rolled on, terrified of its power. But though the laugh had transformed through an agonizingly slow build up, when it cut off it was like the air had been sliced.

“No, Levi. You didn’t.”

“But—“

“You didn’t!”

Levi had forgotten about Erwin’s hands, but then they tightened on his waist, and Levi remembered. Erwin dared to speak.

“Shit. The screen…”

There was only one screen, and Levi’s eyes darted back to it. Hanji had been very proud of the giant flat screen the Center had received a year back. It had been a donation from a wealthy patron (and sports fan). It had arrived one day all wrapped up with a note that said “Thanks for an amazing experience. I would have called it perfect, but for one thing. Now the other patients can watch the game on Sunday in full life sized glory.” Levi knew the story because Hanji had told it to him about 200 times. She had been the one to put it up on the wall, and she never let any patient shenanigans happen around the screen. That’s why the way she followed Levi’s eyes to the screen was so heart breaking. Because no trace of that excitement was left. There was only fear, and Levi knew that fear was for him. One was because he was the only one who could worry her that much, and two was because of the person on screen that was staring back at them and causing her to make that face. It was Levi, and, true to the patron’s promise, he was displayed in pixelated life size glory.

Levi recognized the scene playing out on screen.

_Please no._

Levi remembered Erwin’s face on the plane. The fear he’d shown at the idea of being filmed and broadcasted.

_This is all my fault_.

Familiar words were being shouted. Embarrassing words. Words that should have been for Erwin’s ears only. It was the scene in the boarding line, one that Levi had almost entirely forgotten about in the rush of everything that had happened since then. The whole trip he’d been in a safe bubble. But it had been an imagined bubble. Nothing had stopped just because he’d been too busy being in love. The world had taken notice, and now the result of his negligence was being broadcast on the evening news with a title slapped on the bottom: “Ex-supermodel Erwin Smith Shacking-up with Insane Asylum Patient?”

_This isn’t…This wasn’t supposed to…This moment was mine. Why is it…why is everyone…all of them looking. Staring. All of them._

A startled inhale whistled through him as onscreen Levi’s body was nearly swallowed in Erwin’s as their lips glued together, hungry, passionate, and totally unaware of the spectators around them.

But Levi’s shock wasn’t total. There was a small part that was still taking things in, still experiencing, and it couldn’t help but be riveted by what he saw.

_That’s what Erwin looks like when he’s kissing me._

Erwin’s fingers were tight and all over Levi pulling him closer—so close that Levi’s whole body was bending and forming to its pressure. And his eyes…Levi had never noticed Erwin’s face when they were kissing because his own eyes had always automatically fallen shut, but now he was wishing that he’d kept them open, even for just a few seconds, because so much of his doubt was erased just seeing the man on screen. The reason Erwin’s eyes were squeezed shut because there were literal fuckloads of emotion keeping them that way. The man’s forehead and face were being crushed by that emotion, all spreading from eyes closed so tight that Levi didn’t know how the blonde had ever opened them again.

Levi would have wanted to keep looking at that face, but he was distracted. Whereas Erwin’s face had been something to wonder at, Levi could only be embarrassed by his own. It was because the passion was so bare. It made Levi feel naked, and he _hated_ being naked. The only one he was truly comfortable with seeing his body was Hanji, and she didn’t look like she was particularly happy to see it now.

_Shut it off. Somebody just turn the damn thing off. Why is it still playing? Why are they looking at me_?

But Levi knew why.

_Because it’s there. Because you put it there. You did this. You._

He wrenched his eyes away but he had nowhere to turn. All around him were faces that were asking him questions he couldn’t find answers to, and in front of them all was Hanji, were face converting her fear to anger.

“Do you understand, Levi? Do you see what you’ve done?”

Of course he did. How could he not? Because his head had twisted back and now he was staring at Erwin’s face in time to catch the man’s hollow sounding words.

“It’s happening again.”

\--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay another new chapter and lots to talk about.   
> Thee's all the usual gross and endless flirting that goes on between the two, but also desmond! What do you all think of desmond, I need to know. He's such a little shit I already love him so much.  
> (why am I getting severely attached to an imaginary lizard. Why? Also, yes I realize I made him super intelligent, but he's my fictional lizard and I'll make him transcend the usual limits of lizard intelligence if I want to.)  
> So things are starting to boil up and they'll spill over next chapter. Kudos to you who guessed what would happen, but the question is what will happen next...  
> Anyway work will be pretty intense the rest of the week so don't be expecting the next chapter until next week. To all my readers--i hope you don't blame me too badly for dragging you into this insanely long fic. I don't know why I can't write it shorter. Erwin and Levi just refuse to stop slowing down to flirt even when I keep trying to move the plot along.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> all aboard the express train to heartbreak

Chapter 22:

Erwin was looking at Levi, but it felt like he was looking right passed him, and Levi didn’t understand, because sure, the situation wasn’t pretty, but it wasn’t terrible either. There was no reason for that blank emptiness in his eyes. No reason. So why was he scaring him like that?

On screen the video of Erwin kissing Levi in the airport pulled back to show reporters sitting around a desk talking about what they were seeing. A new title appeared on the bottom of the screen. “Going off the deep end: Did his Fiancé’s death cause him to look for love in unlikely places?”

“Do you know what this means, Levi?” Hanji demanded

Levi’s head was hurting. It always happened when someone he loved was yelling at him, and it was always worst when that person was Hanji.

“It means that one of my best staff members can never come back to work here again. It means that this Center has become a laughing stock, and that means that many might not seek out help when they’re in need because of this place’s new reputation as a fucking dating center!”

“No…”

Levi’s voice wasn’t quite as hollow as Erwin’s had been, but it was getting there.

“No. It doesn’t have to mean...none of that stuff has to happen.”

Hanji had stopped about 15 feet from him and Levi wasn’t sure whether he liked it that way or not. He wanted to wrap his arms around her. When he was distressed his body always sought her comfort. But he also knew she was more liable to hit--rather than hug--him right now.

“Yes it does, Levi.”

Her voice was a little softer now. Maybe it was because of the hurt vibrating out of him.

“No, it doesn’t.”

_That’s right. They don’t know yet. You have to tell them.”_

“I admit that what I did there was stupid, but nothing has to change.”

“Levi…”

Hanji began to walk toward him again, and this time she didn’t stop until her hand touched the small bump of bone in his wrist.

“Levi I appreciate your first attempt at optimism, but the situation’s bad...I may even have to shut down the Center. Everyone’s jobs, and all the patients here...and you, Levi. How will I help you?”

She hadn’t just said very many words, but a complete reversal in tone had taken place. The first words had been frustrated, but the last few had sounded lost. Levi grabbed her arm.

“You don’t _need_ to help me.”

He jerked his head around to look at everyone in the room.

“None of you do. I’m not sick. Why are you all acting like I’m still sick?”

Levi felt like stomping his foot but that would be juvenile and probably undermine his point.

“I rode on a fucking plane. I walked barefoot on a floor for more than two hours. I ate an apple without washing it. I let a lizard crawl across my legs. I used someone else’s toothbrush. And I petted a stray cat before getting into the car coming here and haven’t even thought about using sanitizer afterward. What more do you people want from me?”

Levi felt a touch from behind but shrugged it off.

“What do you need me to do to prove it to you? I’ll do anything you guys can do. What is it? Come on. Tell me. Do I have to wipe someone else’s ass, or lick the bottom of someone’s foot? Fine. Someone volunteer, because I’ll do it. I can do _anything_. I’m _strong._ I have been for a while now, and it’s about time someone fucking noticed.”

Petra took a step toward Levi, but Moblit snagged her hand, stopping her.

_Good. Because I’ve only just started._

“I’m leaving this place. I’m done here. I’m not a patient anymore.”

Nobody moved, not even Shadis (who was hardly the quiet type.)

“Did you hear me? I said I’m done. This center isn’t a loony bin, no matter what those morons on the TV say. I’m here of my own free will, and I’m leaving now, so get out of my way.”

Still no motion. Hanji’s eyes were rounded out, her hands forgotten at her sides.

_Why are they so surprised? Is it so ridiculous to believe that I could want to take control of my life?”_

“Are you all deaf? Patients go in and out of this place all the time, and I’m one of them.”

“Levi.”

Levi whipped around, relief flooding him. Erwin would help him. Of course he would. Erwin would be happy about this. It was what they’d both been waiting for, right?”

Except Erwin’s face was a stone wall with fear leaking out between the bricks.

“Levi, what are you saying?”

_Did it come out wrong? Did he not understand what I meant?_

Levi took hold of Erwin’s hand and looked him directly in the eyes.. He could make sure he was clear.

“I’m better now, Erwin. I’m in control. The whole thing on TV—it’s okay, because I’m not a patient, and they’re going to see that. It won’t lead to trouble because I won’t be a patient. You can come back to work here. You don’t have to worry.”

“But Levi, you can’t leave.”

The stone wall was unmoving, and Levi realized that a lack of comprehension hadn’t been the problem.

“What are you talking about?”

Levi’s heart was beating strongly, but it felt out of sync.

“Of course I can.”

“There’s still a month of your treatment left, Levi.”

 _Oh._ That’s _what he meant._

Levi felt his panic ebb a bit.

“Well that’s all right. We can just waive that. Treatment isn’t mandatory, after all.”

“No, Levi. We can’t just waive it.”

“Yes we can. Patients have done it before.”

“Levi, listen—“

“No. _You_ listen.”

Levi could feel more solid emotions settling in him now. Feelings like anger and resentment.

“It’s _my_ body. I know it better than you guys. So if I say I’m good to go, then that opinion is more valid than anything else you guys have to say.”

“I understand that, but—“

“No. You don’t understand. How many times have I told you that I’m ready? That I want to be with you? That I can handle it. That I won’t have an attack. How many times, Erwin?”

Erwin didn’t say anything. The answer was obvious.

“And how many times did you tell me I was right? That we should go ahead?”

That answer was obvious too.

“You’ve only ever told me to wait, and to stop, and to hide what I feel. When I’m around you everything is a restriction ‘don’t touch me there,’ ‘Don’t look at me like that,’ ‘Don’t kiss me.’ You give me just enough to drive me over the deep end, and then make it worse with the promise of more. But when is that time? Are you waiting for me to magically become perfect? I’m a person, Erwin. Not a machine. There’s no checklist to normalcy, and if there is, well, what if I never check off all the little boxes? What if I’m stuck as I am now forever. Is what I am not good enough? Am I too broken to want? Because I don’t think so. I think I’m whole enough to care for someone, to recognize the needs of another person. I don’t think I need so much help that I’m unable to give back. I have things to offer, Erwin, and you helped show me that. So why won’t you take what I want to give you when I offer up everything so freely?”

Erwin pressed his hand to his mouth. It wasn’t a gentle hand, it was restricting. His face crumpled with the effort of keeping his words inside, but he did it, and didn’t speak.

_What are you holding back from me? Why are you always holding back with me? Why can’t you just let go. Why are you so afraid to break me. Why can’t you see me how I see me? Why, Erwin?_

“Do you think I’m weak, Erwin? Can you really think that even after telling me the opposite for so long? Because if that’s the case, then you’re a liar and a cheat and if you tell me that I’m not strong enough for this, for you, then you’ll break my fucking heart.”

“Wait. No. Don’t you dare put those words in my mouth. I wouldn’t say that, and I wouldn’t think that. You’re strong. Of course you are,” Erwin said.

“Then let me be with you. All of you, not just the parts you think I can handle.”

“Levi, please, don’t—“

“I don’t want to hear your excuses anymore.”

“They’re not excuses.”

“I don’t want to hear about how it’s not time yet.”

“But we’re _not_ ready.”

“You mean _I’m_ not ready.”

“Why can’t you just focus on finishing the program?”

“Because I don’t want to, Erwin. And I shouldn’t have to if that’s not what I want.”

“Please, Levi. I know what I’m talking about.”

“And I do too! Don’t you get it? Don’t you understand why I’m pushing for this? It’s because of how different everything is now. I’ve never been this way. I’ve never felt this capable. So why is it that the first time I truly want something, and am willing to put all my efforts into making that thing work—why are you pushing that away?”

“I’m not pushing you away!”

“Well good. We’re in agreement then.”

“Yes.”

“Then let’s have sex.”

“No.”

“It’s bad enough you’re making me have this conversation in front of all these fucking people.”

“It’s not my fault you decided to bring it up here.”

“I’m only ‘bringing it up’ here because I’ve tried bringing it up everywhere else and you always dumped it in the trash.”

“I didn’t trash it, I told you we should wait.”

They were both holding onto each other’s arms, caging each other in, and Levi had no idea how it had happened.

“You’re always going to tell me to wait.”

“That’s not true.”

“It is. You’ll always find some dumb condition. Now it’s ‘oh just until you get out of the program Levi,’ but soon it’ll be, ‘just as soon as you learn to clean a toilet without gloves,’ and then it’ll be, ‘when you can walk barefoot on the moon.’ And on and on until the end of time and meanwhile I’ll be getting old and growing white hair on my balls and you’ll still be making excuses.”

“I’m _not_ making excuses, damn it.”

“Do you even want to fuck me? You don’t, do you? You’re disgusted by my body and that’s why—“

“That’s _not_ why. How many times have I told you that I think you’re beautiful? Why would that even occur to you? What have I ever said to make you feel undesirable?”

“Because you won’t fuck me!”

“And I told you exactly why I won’t!”

“That’s bullshit!”

“It isn’t. You insisting that I’m a liar is bullshit. I’ve never lied to you.”

“You _did_ lie to me. When you left to Maine you said that the reason you didn’t want me to come was because I had to stay safe.”

“I _did_ want you to stay safe.”

“You told Hanji you didn’t want me to come!”

“I told Hanji whatever I had to in order to keep you there.”

_So it…wasn’t the truth? He did want me? Had he been hoping I would come? Had he known that I would try to go to him?_

“You’re a manipulative asshat!”

“I know I am. And I’ve never hidden that part of myself from you, so don’t act like it’s such a surprise.”

“So then don’t hide. Aren’t you supposed to be a slut? You’ve fucked everyone else. Fucking me shouldn’t be a big deal.”

“Stop it, Levi.”

“No. I want to know what the problem is. Is it because I’m gay and available? Do you only fuck straight guys and guys who are already in relationships? That’s what it seems like.”

“That’s not fair. If you’re talking about Erd and Nile—“

“So if I get myself a fucking girlfriend will you have sex with me? I’ll find one and fuck her right in front of you.”

“No. Stop it—“

“Not even then, huh? Nothing I can do to get Slutwin to fuck me. Well you know what? I’m not a desperate little whore for you, Erwin. I don’t need you to fuck me, and I don’t need your permission to fuck anyone else either.”

“You’re right. You don’t.”

Levi realized that the more hysterical he got, the calmer and stonier Erwin became. He could see the agitation in the man’s eyes, but his face was a forced calm.

_You can’t even show me your true emotions. Will you give up on everything just to hold onto your point? Why? Why does it matter?_

Levi wrenched his arms out from Erwin’s. A moment of panic broke the stone wall of Erwin’s face, but only for a moment.

“Where are you going?”

“Exactly where I said I was going. I’m leaving.”

Erwin’s hand grabbed Levi’s shirt. “Please don’t.”

Levi buried a murderous glare into Erwin’s hand. “Get off me.”

“Levi—“

“Get off me, or I’ll break your fucking hand.”

“Go ahead then! Because I’m not letting go until you listen to me. Not even if you break every bone in my body.”

No stone face. No forced calm. Just Erwin.

Erwin, with flashing panicked eyes. Erwin, with skin stretched and torn with worry. Erwin, the man Levi would do anything for.

Levi wanted his arms. He craved his shield, the man who could make even impossible things feel better. But he couldn’t have them. He’d created a gaping chasm between them that he alone couldn’t bridge right then.

Erwin was very tall in that moment. Maybe it was because it was the first time he’d pinned Levi down with eyes that refused to let him leave.

“You want to know why I’m being like this? Why I’m insisting you focus on recovery even though you feel fine? Why I’m being the overprotective ass when you want to have fun. Do you know why I’m being the prude? It’s because of the fucking statistics, Levi. Let’s look at some, shall we? Alcohol abuse. That sounds familiar, doesn’t it? It’s the most common type of substance abuse, and one of the leading causes of death for people in our age bracket. One in ten adults between the ages 20-64 die from excessive alcohol use, and it is the leading cause of preventable death. Oh, and another thing? The relapse rate after a period of recovery such as the one you’re experiencing right now? Fifty to ninety percent. Fifty to Ninety. Do those sound like good fucking statistics to you, Levi? Does that sound like a game?”

Erwin seized hold of Levi’s shoulders and shook him. “Well it _isn’t_ a game. This is your _life_. You could _die_.”

Erwin stopped shaking him, but now he himself was shaking.

“Death, Levi. A rather permanent state. Do you know what I would do to prevent that? Do you know how much I would allow you to hate me before I would give up on helping you recover? You don’t know. There’s no way you could know. Because you’re not me. You’re not an alcoholic watching another alcoholic about to throw himself off the edge of a metaphorical cliff.”

Levi was raw. It felt like all his skin had been ripped off and Erwin was touching the exposed nerves.

_I’m sorry. Erwin, I…Don’t. It’s okay. I won’t die. I promise. I swear, so don’t look at me like that. Don’t, please, I can’t…I can’t take it._

Levi slid his hands up Erwin’s arms, but Erwin stumbled back, away from him.

“No—you’re not listening, Levi. I see it in your eyes. You think you know, but you don’t. _You don’t._ You still think you have it all in your hands.”

“I’m not going to—“

“Look at me!”

Erwin held out his hands. They were shaking so much that holding anything would be impossible.

“It’s been three years since I’ve had a drink, Levi. I already slipped up once. It was about two months after I left the center. I was helping Nanaba clear out all her old crap. She ran out to work and I told her I’d finish the job. Well, I came across a box full of Mike’s stuff. I didn’t realize it until I’d opened the folder up on top. It was stuffed full of drawings, Levi. Apparently, before I’d met him, Mike had been teaching a second grade class and contracted a bad case of the flu. He was out of class for a week, and while he was gone all the students drew him get well cards. I opened that folder, Levi, and all these hearts and flowers and letters fell out. And all of them had variations of the same message. ‘We miss you,’ or ‘Come back to us.’ There were so many ‘I love you’s. So many feelings in those cards with their bad crayon balloon pictures and poor spelling. I couldn’t handle it. How could I deal with knowing that I’d taken Mike away from so many children? I had to make it stop. And so I went downstairs and found Nanaba’s vodka and I just drank. I knew it was wrong. I knew it was stupid. I knew how much time and effort I’d spent on recuperation, and I knew just how disappointed everyone would be in me when they found out, but I did it anyway, because that’s the power of addiction.”

Erwin pressed his hands to his stomach, but Levi could still see the shaking.

“I didn’t tell you this, but I had to come back to the center. I went through the whole thing again—another 90 days. And you know what Hanji told me when I came back? She said, ‘Relapse is _not_ a normal part of recovery. It’s scarily common, but it shouldn’t be considered a normal step.’ She wanted me to understand that I shouldn’t just look at recovery as something I could try a few times until it sticks, because every time someone relapses they’re taking a huge risk. She wanted to drill the facts into my head: When someone relapses there’s the chance that they will never be able to stop drinking again.”

Erwin let that sink in for a moment, and in that moment he darted his eyes down to his feet. It seemed that speaking these words was still hard for him after so much time.

“She told me to picture each drink like a loaded gun where half of the chambers are filled with bullets. A deadly game of Russian roulette. The trick is that if you pull the trigger and survive you’re still not allowed to put the gun down. An alcoholic is an alcoholic for life. The danger is always there. So for the rest of your days you have to have that steel muzzle pressed to your head and keep yourself from pulling the trigger.”

Levi stared at Erwin and wondered just how long the man had planned on keeping this story from him.

_Would he let me hold him now?_

Levi didn’t know. He’d never had those doubts before. Erwin, no matter what Levi had just made him sound like, had always had his arms open for him. But now the man’s arms were crossed over his stomach like he was trying to hold his skin together to prevent his guts from spilling out.

There was also the issue of Levi himself. Though he wanted the comfort of Erwin’s arms, he also wanted Erwin to take him seriously. He genuinely empathized with Erwin over what he’d gone through, but that still didn’t change the fact that Levi needed to leave. He didn’t think it was false bravado that was telling him he’d be okay when so many other recovering alcoholics had failed. It was _because_ he was aware of his weaknesses and triggers now.

_It’s because I know that calling someone for help isn’t weakness, and because I also know that hiding a problem beneath another problem doesn’t mean I’ve solved it. For once I have tools I can use to survive. I have a support network. I have a better ability to communicate. I have the knowledge that I’m worth something. I survived my childhood without any of these things._

“Erwin.”

He didn’t touch the other man, but he did hold his hand out, palm facing up, so that the possibility for touch was there.

“I’m not denying that there’s a possibility of danger. I’m not saying I’m infallible. All I’m saying is that it’s time for me to leave to _face_ that danger. I know I’m not doing it alone. I know I have people I can rely on. But I also know that _I_ am someone I can rely on. I know that without taking care of myself I can’t take care of the people I love. I’m not as pigheaded as I once was, Erwin. You’ve got to see that.”

Levi waited, but Erwin didn’t take his hand. That wasn’t a good sign.

_Please Erwin. Let me have this. You can trust me. Please trust me. I need it._

“Levi…”

There wasn’t enough capitulation in that face. Levi felt everything inside him sink.

“Just stay, Levi.”

That wasn’t an option. Independence wasn’t just doing whatever anyone else wanted of him, even if those people had his best interests at heart.

“No.”

“Please, Levi. That statistic I told you? The fifty to ninety percent relapse rate? The greatest cause for that initial relapse is an inadequate transition between the rehab center and home. Going from a protected environment to one of danger isn’t a small thing. Control can seem easy in a protected environment, but then be impossible once you leave it. I know what I’m talking about, Levi. It happened to me. I thought I was ready to go, but I wasn’t. If you just leave abruptly like this you’ll have no preparation for the outside world.”

“I’ve had preparation. This trip to Maine--”

“Was not enough. You weren’t in your place of routine, so the pull of old habits was not nearly as strong. Also it was only a couple of days. The first couple of days out of the Center are the easiest Levi. You can’t confuse the control of a few days with the lifetime resistance you’ll need to stay sober.”

“You’re making it sound like you know I’ll fail.”

“I’m not. I’m just saying that it would be a lot safer if you finished the program and were coached through the difficult transition between the center and--”

“You don’t believe in me.”

“No, don’t say that Levi. You’re putting words in my mouth again. That’s not what I was saying at--”

“You’re supposed to believe in me. What’s the point of anything if you don’t believe in me?”

“Stop it, Levi. You know that’s not--”

“None of you!”

Levi whipped around to face the people surrounding him. Hanji had not moved, but Petra had come to wrap an arm around her waist.

“None of you believe I can do this. You all think I’m this weak piss baby who had to be dragged in here a couple of months ago. But I’m not. I can fucking wipe my own ass now, but I don’t think any of you will ever see that. You’ve got this stupid image of me stuck in your head and I don’t think anything will get it out.”

They were all staring at him. He saw a whole mess of different expressions on their faces, but he wasn’t seeing the support he needed.

 _I_ don’t _need it. I can do this without them. That’s the whole point. Then they’ll see._

And if he _was_ going to leave, it was best to do it before they put any doubt into him.

 _I’m sorry Erwin_ , he thought.

He dropped his hand and stepped around Erwin. He forced himself to keep his eyes off the floor. He wanted to project strength even if it didn’t change the way people viewed him. And yet he couldn’t look the blonde in the eye. He got two steps in--not even especially large steps--when Erwin’s voice stopped him.

“If you leave the deal is off.”

Erwin’s voice was coated in that false cold Levi knew the man only used when he was trying to hide intense emotion. Levi’s mind scrambled to try to put together what the man’s words meant, but Erwin provided the answer.

“If you don’t finish the program you can forget about me ever fucking you.”

Levi whipped around, he couldn’t help it. And he did it so fast that he had no time to moderate the honest shock on his face.

_What?_

He stared at Erwin, looking for traces of a bluff, but he saw none.

_Erwin…? You wouldn’t, I mean--you can’t…_

But he could. Erwin was capable of anything, and Levi knew that.

“ _Why_?”

His voice was a whisper, but Erwin’s answer wasn’t.

“I will sacrifice everything to make sure you’re safe.”

“No...Erwin. Don’t--”

“Stay, Levi.”

“I…”

“Please. I’ll get down on my knees and beg if it helps.”

Erwin reached out to him. “Please, Levi. Because I--”

“NO!”

The sound ripped out of his throat and stabbed Erwin in the face.

“No! I won’t stay.”

Levi smacked Erwin’s hand away and clenched his fists by his sides.

“You think you can do anything, resort to anything, torture me with anything just to make sure I do what you want. But it’s not going to work.”

Erwin’s hand was still there. He hadn’t dropped it after Levi had smacked it to the side, and for some reason that made Levi even angrier.

“Using sex as a tool. You’re not a slut, you’re an investor. You manipulate sex, use people’s desires like they’re stock options. You don’t care how it affects people so long as you get what you want.”

It was like throwing a grenade on top of a town that was already burning. Levi knew that the things he was saying were horrifying, but it didn’t stop him.

“Do you even stop to ask yourself how your actions are affecting people’s emotions? Is keeping my body safe in this happy prison so important that you’ll shred all my feelings and self-worth? Is that what you want? An obedient doll who follows what you say with the hope that you’ll give me your body as a reward? Is that how that infuriating brain of yours works?”

Levi wanted to cover his mouth. He knew he was ruining things. He knew that just another month in the center wouldn’t kill him, and was likely to do some good, but it was too late to think about stuff like that. He’d started this, and he was going to finish it, even if his life looked like several armies had laid waste to a battleground after he was through.

“Well it’s not going to work on me. I don’t need you. I don’t need a shield that stabs my hand whenever I try to put it down. I don’t need a man that’ll use his body like a weapon to shape me.”

“That’s not what I’m trying to do, Damn it!” Erwin shouted. “Will you just listen to reason and--”

“I love you!”

The words expelled themselves from his body violently, and it was only when the shock registered on Erwin’s face that he realized what he’d just said.

Levi raised shaky fingers to his lips, shocked himself that he’d finally managed to get the words out. But saying it once wasn’t enough. Not for the revelation coursing through him like liquid wonder.

“Jesus _Christ_ , I love you.”

Still not enough. It was strange how saying the words created the opposite of relief. Instead they bred frustration because he realized he’d never be able to express what he truly felt.

“I love you so _fucking_ much.”

He looked up at Erwin. He’d looked down at his own hands without realizing. But even though he could have only looked away for a couple of seconds, the transformation of Erwin’s features was drastic. Gone was the confidence, the conviction that he was right. Instead the man had turned into a wisp of paper that even the gentlest of winds could knock down. He couldn’t speak. Couldn’t try to convince anyone of anything. Levi was looking at a man whose words had left him.

Levi wanted to go to him. He wanted to pull the finally vulnerable looking man into his arms and kiss every space he could find. He wanted to say “Forget all this. Let’s just go home, I don’t care where that is, so long as it’s with you.” He wanted to say I love you” again. He wanted to say, “This whole argument doesn’t matter.”

But those last words would be a lie, because stupid as it seemed in the scheme of things, it _did_ matter. And Levi knew that if he let it go--if he just followed what everyone else wanted from him now--he’d never be able to see himself as an equal to Erwin. He would always be the babied one. The overprotected. The dependent. And that would ruin everything far more effectively than no sex ever could.

Levi stepped forward.

_I don’t want to do this. I’ll be sick if I do this. I’ll vomit all over my shoes and pass out if I do this._

But it didn’t matter. He still had to. And that’s what being strong meant to him.

_It means giving up everything for what you believe in, even if that means giving up the happiness you have never known before._

Levi wanted what he couldn’t have, but that wasn’t a new feeling.

_But I’ve been miserable before. I’ve lived with regret before. And I’ve survived 30 years without Erwin before._

The problem was that he’d now he’d know what he was missing.

_Well it doesn’t matter. He wouldn’t want to be with me now anyway. Not after all the horrible things I just said to him. Saying I love you after all that is just like a spit in the face. I guess I was a rude asshole right to the very end. He probably feels like an ass too—after wasting their time with someone like me, who wouldn’t be?”_

Levi couldn’t meet Erwin’s eyes, no matter how much he wanted to. He wasn’t capable of being quite _that_ rude.

_I don’t deserve to say goodbye to him. I don’t deserve any part of him._

And that was okay too, because getting out of Erwin’s life was the greatest kindness he could do the man. At least, that’s what the old thoughts were saying. But there was a new thought. A small one, but a persistent one, that was pushing against the strong wall all the old thoughts made, fighting back for the first time when it mattered.

_It doesn’t matter who deserves what. No one gets what they deserve anyway. People like Farlan and Isabel die, and others like Mike’s killers are allowed to roam free. Stop trying to weigh something into your own weird version of justice. You like him, and he, by some miracle, seems to like you too. Don’t throw that away. Because your heart isn’t going to be the only one broken by this._

He was already turning back around when Erwin snagged his arm.

“Please, Levi. Don’t--don’t leave. You can’t.”

It was so hard to keep the anger down and think about the right thing to do when Erwin was looking at him like that.

“I _can’t_?”

“I mean I desperately don’t want you to. I want--”

“For me to stay in the center and follow whatever little plan you have for my life.”

“No, Levi--just--you said...you said you love me. And knowing that--Levi, do you think I can just let you walk away after saying something like that?”

The desperation in Erwin’s eyes was even stronger than it was in his voice, and it almost prevented Levi from what he was about to do next. Almost. But almost wasn’t going to help him get his life back together, and there were some things he had to do no matter how Erwin looked at him. So that’s why Levi forced himself to shut off his heart, at least for a moment, just enough time to get out what he had to say next.

Levi knew it was going to hurt. He knew he was going to be a mess--no, a wreck--a terrible one, once his words were finished. But hopefully he’d be somewhere that could serve as a fall out shelter for after. He grabbed Erwin’s shirt front and jerked him forward. He thought “after,” but it was too far away a concept to worry about now. Here, in this moment, there was only the words that burned his lips as he spat them.

“I’m giving you thirty days, Erwin. Thirty days to accept me for what I am. Thirty days to decide if the man you see in front of you is one you’re willing to keep, and work with _as is_. No forcing me to go through more therapy. No treating me like I’m a delicate flower. I’m not a patient. You have thirty days not to see me as a patient. But if you want me. If you can look at me and see a man that’s whole enough to stand on equal ground with. If you can do that...then come to me, Erwin. Come, because I’ll be waiting. I’ll be holding my breath and begging and maybe even fucking praying, because I want you to be there, with me, in my life, more than my stupid words can say.”

Levi almost broke down then. His next words were too difficult to voice to someone he loved.

_But I’m important to. Well at least, I might one day be._

And that was just enough to get the words to spill out.

“But if you don’t come, Erwin. If you decide that your version of what’s right for me is more important than what we could have together. If after those thirty days you don’t believe we should give being together a shot then...then don’t come back, Erwin, because i’m not going to be waiting for you anymore. You’re so important, but I can’t always be the silent voice. I need a say too, and I can’t--I can’t wait any longer, damn it. What we have is so fucking intense. I don’t feel like we met too months ago. I feel like I’ve already spent a lifetime with you. There’s something so familiar about your touch and voice. I swear I’ve heard it before. ERwin I--I’ve had these dreams. They’re weird with strange clothes in a different place, but they feel real. You feel real. And everything about you is already familiar. When I touch you, listen to you, even just stand in the same room with you I can feel the kind of connection you don’t get after two months. You just don’t.”

_Why am I telling him about the dreams? I’m getting off topic. He’s going to think I’m nuts and I need him take my words seriously._

Levi’s hands tightened in Erwin’s shirt. They were so close, but Levi felt like his heart was bleeding through his skin and no one was even noticing.

“So that’s why I can’t wait, Erwin. It’ll kill me to see and feel all of this while you act like I’m just someone you need to help. The most frustrating part is that I know you don’t have to see me as a patient, so stop acting like I am one. Just stop. Stop procrastinating. Stop letting this horrible cycle go on. And just let it happen. Let us happen. Not just because I’m begging you to, but because you want it to, and you know it.”

_Do I know it? Will he hate me for putting those words in his mouth?_

Those thoughts didn’t matter now, though. He just needed to finish, because his eyes were burning and Levi needed to be out of the room before anything more began to leak out. He forced his fists to unclench and drop from Erwin’s shirt.

“Thirty days.”

He couldn’t bring himself to look at Erwin’s eyes anymore. If he did then he’d be pulled back and never leave.

“Thirty days and you can have me for ever fucking ever if that’s what you want. But only thirty. I won’t be giving you a second chance.”

Levi was terrified of his words. He wanted to clamp his lips down over them and hide them from sight.

_You fool. You’ll never meet anyone like him again. You know that. You can feel it. So why...why?_

But he knew why.

_If he never comes back I’m going to regret this for the rest of my life._

But he also knew that if he didn’t do this--if he didn’t prove to himself that he was strong enough to be alone then he’d also begin to truly hate himself.

He stepped back.

He turned around.

Erwin didn’t stop him.

He took one step, and then another. He was running and shoving people out of his path. And no one stopped him.

His body found the glass doors at the entrance of the Center and choked on the biting lungful of winter air that hit him, as if it too was fighting to keep him in the place. But he wouldn’t stay. And so he fought it. He pushed his arm up in front of his face and forced himself to keep going.

\--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> everything sucks, the gross men are apart, and I don't want to feel things anymore. This is a short chapter because I didn't want to pack too much angst in at one shot. And yes, my dears, it gets worse. My consolation is that I am going to force myself to get the next chapter up by the time the weekend hits.  
> hope you're ready for some solo time because both Erwin and Levi are going to get their own chapters. If anyone needs me I'm going to be over here in the corner crying.  
> (however, Levi finally did get his confession out among all the insults he was tossing at Erwin so it's not ALL horrible.)


	23. Chapter 23

Chapter 23:

_Go back_ , Levi’s brain whispered as he took his first steps outside the Center. _Go back and apologize. Beg him to take you back. Beg him to give you anything he’s willing to give._

The treacherous thoughts were even more powerful than he thought they would be.

_No_.

None of it mattered. He wasn’t going to let anything but the truth win now.

_If he wants me then he’ll come like I’ve asked._

And there was nothing else to say on the matter. His burning eyes got worse. They hurt both to open and close and the breath rushing in and out of him was painful too. There was no one to put his arms around, no one’s words to rely on. Nothing but himself and his racing desperate thoughts.

_I can do this. I can._

But Levi didn’t know who he was trying to convince, because he was too tired to listen to himself right now.

_I need warmth. Safety. Love._

He couldn’t turn around and go back to get that. Forward was the only way, and so he kept stepping. But something was wrong. Another thing, an outside thing, was beating at his brain. A shrill sound, almost like a scream, but mechanical. Inhuman, and detached despite its urgency.

Levi saw the ambulance before his brain recognized that the sound was its siren, but when he did see it, and saw that it was heading directly for the center, everything clicked together.

_Another sick person._

The thought had solid weight.

_I’m here, making a scene, and there are legitimately sick people that need help._

His body turned toward the ambulance and his feet began to move as the vehicle slammed to a screeching halt before the center. Both EMT’s leapt out. One had a bag slung over his shoulder, the other rushed to throw open the ambulance’s back doors.

Something shot through Levi’s gut and left a ripping burn. That was bad--really bad--because he’d felt similar burns right before every sudden bad thing that happened to him.

Both EMT’s jumped inside through the back. Levi’s legs were still moving forward. They felt like lead blocks, but he forced them to quicken. The men weren’t in the ambulance for long. Just a few seconds and then the stretcher was coming out.

Levi forced himself to look, to see. He craned his head and picked up the pace and then--

_Oh god._

A lightning bolt of recognition.

_No, no what is she doing back here. Why are her lips blue? Why is she strapped down? Why._

He’d never seen her look so pale. Her eyes were closed and her body didn’t react at all as the stretcher jostled when it met with the ground.

“Ymir…”

His voice was too quiet, not even a whisper. Nothing but a puff of air.

Erwin’s voice was ringing through his head. _Fifty to ninety percent, Levi._

“You can’t...not this soon.”

_Every relapse should be seen as a bullet. One drink can be a death sentence to an alcoholic._

Levi was close enough to see it when Ymir twisted her head around.

_Still alive. She can make it. It doesn’t have to be a death sentence._

But she didn’t look good. Her skin looked so thin, as if even a touch could puncture through.

_Why did this happen? Why couldn’t she beat it? She wanted to. She told me she wanted to._

Ymir’s lips moved and Levi strained his ears to catch the name as it passed her lips, but the sirens were too loud. He had to read the movement with his eyes.

_Christa_ , she mouthed. And then again. _Christa._

Levi knew that what he was seeing in front of him was Erwin’s nightmare.

_Ymir is me, and I am Erwin_. _We’re all alcoholics and we’re all in danger._

There was nothing endearing about a drunk alcoholic. It was real, and fear, and heart stopping horror.

_He doesn’t want me to die. I don’t want her to die. Why does anyone have to be in danger of dying?_

The doors of the center slammed open. All hell was breaking loose.

_But I can’t go back. I can’t_.

Levi’s legs were already running, and the Center was receding.

He wanted to help Ymir. But he wasn’t the right person to do it. He wasn’t who Ymir needed, and she wasn’t what he needed.

_Get better. I can’t help before I get better._

Because Erwin was right, at least in part. Levi wasn’t strong enough yet. He knew his place was no longer at the Center, but he also knew he wasn’t as strong as he could be.

_Get strong enough. I have to._

The world was a cruel place. Erwin had known that. That’s why he’d been so afraid for him. But Levi also knew it. He’d met the true cruelty of the world in a dumpster twenty years ago. But this time he wasn’t going to let it paralyze him.

_I’m going to be able to support them all on my back_ , he swore _, But first I’m going to have to get stronger._

In his mind Levi knew that time was passing. A lot of time. Because the Center was nowhere near anywhere he wanted to get to. But the running was good. It pounded through him loud and regular dulling the thoughts that were threatening to get everywhere. If he concentrated on his footfalls he could almost believe that this was just a regular training exercise. Any minute now Shadis would be coming along to yell at him to pick up the pace. He’d scream that he’d seen newborn infants and grandmas on dialysis move faster. He’d say “you’re in no shape for that race of yours and Erwin will be embarrassed if he has to--” but no. He couldn’t think about the race because that meant thinking about Erwin. And damn, now he wasn’t going to be racing with Erwin, so what was the point of running? But running did have a point, it was still monotony and simple exhaustion. He could throw himself into the running so long as he didn’t concentrate too much on why he was doing it.

_I’ll accept it. I’ll accept this emptiness, embrace it. But not yet. Not now. I’m not strong enough yet._

His goal was still to just get to safety, even if that took many hours. As long as he kept moving, burning out his muscles running, he could pretend he was doing something, anything, not to dwell on the words he’d just shouted to a man who deserved only kindness.

But it was impossible to run forever, and thoughts kept slipping in.

_Why did I tell him I loved him?_

Because it was the truth.

_Why didn’t I stay to help Ymir?_

Because then he never would have left.

_Why was Hanji so angry?_

Because he’d forgotten to tell her, and everyone, a crucial bit of information.

“Shit,” he muttered. “I didn’t mention the papers.”

The thought caused him to jerk out of his mental bubble. He drew in some air, and finally felt it in his lungs. That’s when he became aware of the slow crunching sound of tires on asphalt.

He whipped his head to the side and found a silver sedan riding along right beside him. The window was rolled down and a patient looking Nile was sending sidelong glances at him through the open window as he maintained his slow steady speed.

“Well it definitely took you long enough to notice me,” Nile said.

He didn’t change his pace until Levi ground to a halt. Nile eased on the brake until he was at a standstill.

“I didn’t tell them about the papers,” Levi repeated.

He felt so stupid.

“Don’t worry, I did.”

“Wait. When?”

“About an hour ago. I was taking a nap at the Center, but woke up when the ambulance brought Ymir in.”

“Ymir. Is she--”

“She’s stable now. Don’t worry. But she’ll be staying with us awhile.”

_Of course she is…_

Nile reached across the passenger seat and pushed the door open. He didn’t say another word until Levi was ensconced safety in the vehicle.

Nile didn’t start driving. Instead he twisted the key in the ignition, powering the car down. With the low purr of the engine gone, only the sounds of their breathing could be heard. Even the yowling of the wind was absent now that the doors and windows were closed.

“I’ve been following you for a long time. Were you really planning on running all the way to Hanji’s place?”

Levi didn’t bother to ask how the man knew he’d been heading there. The answer was obvious. He always headed there when he was in trouble.

“I wasn’t really planning anything. I just knew that her home was my next stop.”

Nile sighed and scrubbed a hand across his bristly little beard. Levi knew he was definitely slipping off the deep end because he felt a spark of almost-affection for the god-awful facial hair.

“Levi, are you ready for this?”

Nile picked up the papers lying between the seats. It was the papers—the discharge ones. The day Erwin received the phone call from his mother, Levi had left his room to go find Nile. He’d found him sitting in his office staring at paperwork with an unhappy expression. “Budget reports,” Nile had said when he’d looked up and found Levi standing in the doorway. “Always a depressing way to start the morning. He’d motioned Levi in and listened without interruption as Levi asked to be discharged from the center. Then, just as now, he was surprised at how well the doctor was taking the news.

Nile shook the papers, they let out a gentle rustle. “Do you know why I signed these without even consulting Hanji?”

Levi shook his head. Nile sighed again and set the papers down.

“It’s because you promised that when you came back we’d discuss it in more depth.”

Levi had completely forgotten about that promise. He barely remembered making it. That day had been full of panic and planning and he had just wanted to tell Nile whatever he needed to hear in order to get out of there. But he hadn’t been lying either. He’d told Nile that the reason he wanted discharge papers was so that in case anything happened while he was outside the center it wouldn’t lead back to a lawsuit. Though Hanji’s fury at him had been justified (he knew he’d worried her terribly) he thought it fair to acknowledge that he _had_ tried to protect the center’s reputation. He’d been worried about Erwin, sure, but he hadn’t gone into his adventure to Maine a complete mess.

Levi picked up the papers and opened them. He saw the date he’d signed, December 4. It was hard to excuse everything that had happened in the past two days, but at least he hadn’t done it all as a patient of the center.

“I’m not going to rip up this paperwork,” Levi said. “I’m not going back to the center.”

“That’s what I figured you’d say.”

Levi stared. And then, with great trepidation, reached down and pinched himself. It hurt. That meant he wasn’t dreaming.

“Oh come on,” Nile said, having noticed the gesture. “Is it so impossible to think that I might be accommodating?”

“In my experience? Yes.”

“Just for that, I’m not getting you a Christmas present this year.”

“Good. Because your last one sucked.”

His present had been a book titled, “Tiny smarts: the many examples of how short people have benefited humanity.” Levi would never admit it, but he had read the book, and it hadn’t been too bad. He’d take that secret to his grave, though.

Nile rolled his eyes. “The point is you have to stop seeing me as an adversary. I know I came between you and Erwin, but it was for good—“

“I don’t see you as my adversary.”

“Well I’ll have you know that—wait, what?”

“I don’t. I never have.”

“But—“

“You helped Hanji create her dream. You were the only doctor who recognized her brilliance and decided to partner yourself with her.”

“Well, that’s just—“

“You’ve also been looking out for Erwin’s best interests, talking to him, being there for him. I know you two have a long history together, and I’m sure you played a large part in his recovery after Mike died.”

“Well, yes, but any friend would have done what I did. I mean, I co-own a damn addiction center, if I _hadn’t_ provided for him, then what the hell kind of—“

“And you helped me. You trusted my judgment and acted as a driving force and not a roadblock when I needed to go after Erwin.”

“That’s because you would have gone ahead and done it anyway, so you might as well—“

“Just take the damn compliments, Nile. It’s not like I’m going to be handing them out to you very often.”

Nile smiled. Levi didn’t, but he knew he would have under less stressful circumstances. It was a moment, of sorts, and the first one he’d really had with Nile.

They were both silent for a minute. Nile didn’t start the car. That meant he had more to say, so Levi waited.

“I heard about your ultimatum.”

Levi’s stomach lurched. He wished Nile hadn’t closed the window. He needed the air.

“You’re going to tell me it’s unfair, aren’t you?”

“I don’t know what to tell you, Levi.”

Levi’s fingers found the flesh of his palm and dug in, but the pain was useless.

“It’s hard for me to remain the detached mental health professional,” Nile admitted. “I…Erwin is my dearest friend. Not that we started that way.”

Nile chuckled, but it was a sad sound. “We’ve known each other since our school days. I’m sure you can imagine him back in high school. Far too handsome, especially with all the pimply faced awkward teenagers around to compare him to. He was the god of the school. Everyone wanted to sleep with him, and I mean everyone, school staff included. Mary, now my wife, had an eye for him too, and that made me jealous because I’d had a crush on her for the longest time, and she barely knew I existed.”

Levi didn’t know why Nile was telling him this, but he still didn’t know enough about Erwin’s past, and so was grateful to every opportunity given to him, even if it seemed ill timed.

“I spent a lot of time resenting him. He wasn’t just handsome and popular, he was the school sports star, and aced all his classes. The teachers all loved him and always joked about adopting him. When it graduation edged nearer and Erwin was voted elected Valedictorian, nobody was surprised. Least of all me. Of course that wasn’t the case when Erwin stood up, politely declined the offer, and volunteered me for the position instead. To say I was surprised is a bit of an understatement.”

Levi could imagine. He’d never really understood why Nile and Erwin were friends. They seemed like such different kinds of people. But then again, he and Hanji were very different. The only thing they had in common was the way they alienated normal people.

“But once I’d gotten over my shock, the surprise turned to fury. I remember standing up, right in the middle of class, and dragging him out of the classroom. It was impossible to really overwhelm Erwin, even at that age, but he was curious, especially when I pulled him all the way up to the school roof in order to shout at him. I told him that he was a womanizing ass and a fake. I said that I despised every part of him and his cool-detached superiority. I called him a hell of a lot of names considering we’d never even had one decent conversation together, but he just took it all in, listening. And do you know what he said when I finally finished my tirade?”

Levi had a few guesses, but he’d also learned that no matter how much he learned about Erwin, the man always had the ability to surprise him, and he loved that. So Levi waited for the answer.

“He said, ‘You’re right. I am a fake.’”

Nile wasn’t looking at Levi. He was staring out through the windshield. The sky was just cloudy enough to bathe everything in uncomfortable grey.

“Erwin went to the edge of the room and sat down. And then he did another infuriating thing. He went and patted the ground beside him as if I _hadn’t_ just spent the last five minutes ranting at him, and that we were really somehow the best of friends. I remember thinking that there was no way I would ever sit there, but he kept looking at me, waiting, expectant, and then I found myself moving, crouching, and then sitting beside him. That was the first time I’d directly experienced the talent Erwin had at getting others to do what he wanted. Sure, I’d seen the effects of it all the time, but it was the first time I felt that almost magic pull. I was both fascinated and furious with it. The way he got people to do things went beyond charisma and cunning. It was like he had a deep instinctive understanding of human nature and used it to manipulate people to his will. It was the closest thing to a superpower I’d ever seen.”

Something was wrong with that statement. It didn’t match up with all the information in Levi’s head, but Nile wasn’t done.

“I wanted to yell at him again that day. I wanted to tell him that I was onto his tricks and that I wouldn’t just let him use me like he did everyone else. But before I could, he said, ‘Don’t worry I’ve never done anything with Mary.”

Nile finally pulled his eyes from the window and looked back at Levi. “I didn’t mention this, but no one except me knew that I had a thing for Mary. No one. I didn’t know how Erwin knew, and he didn’t tell me. But there was no doubt in his voice. It made me feel like he already knew me better than I knew myself, and that’s a creepy feeling. But for whatever reason I wasn’t creeped out. Maybe because I knew that a guy like him couldn’t be totally normal. It was almost a relief to see his creepier side. So instead of freaking out I just asked, ‘Why not?’”

Well, Levi knew the answer to that one.

“So then he told you he was gay.”

“Yup. I still don’t really know why. Years later I asked him and he said it was just because he wanted to see my reaction, the ass.”

_It’s probably because he realized you were trustworthy and reliable, ya dumb overly serious dork._

“So then what? You decided you wanted him to be your gay best friend?”

“No!”

“Wait. Don’t tell me _this_ is when he fucked you.”

“ _No!_ Jesus. I still can’t believe he told you that.”

“Me neither. Talk about information I’ll have to try and repress forever…”

“Shut up.”

“So if you didn’t fuck, what did you do?”

“We talked. That’s all. That was enough. You’ve talked to Erwin. You know how enjoyable an experience that could be.”

It was true. As beautiful as Erwin was, Levi knew that what he would miss most in their separation was the talking. He always felt quicker with Erwin, his words somehow made significant after a lifetime of feeling like most people had no interest in what he had to say.

“Despite my jealousy I felt myself beginning to like him. There were so few smart kids in our school, and Erwin’s fluid intelligence fascinated me. He loved to pick at my ideas just for the sake of starting arguments. He’d argue whatever side I wasn’t on just to get me to think. It infuriated me, but it also thrilled me because he was the first person able to get to me like that.”

“I hate to interrupt this touching story. But are you sure you’re not in love with him? Because I’m hella homo, and I want Erwin’s cock buried in my ass, but I’m still sure that you’re about five times gayer for him than I am.”

Nile rolled his eyes “Unfortunately you’re not the first to think so.”

“Oh? Who else is on the list?”

“Mike.”

“Oooooh.”

“And Mary.”

“Jesus.”

“Tell me about it.”

“I want the story.”

“It ain’t pretty.”

That’s exactly why Levi wanted to hear it, and his expression said so. It was weird. He thought that talking about Erwin would split his already fragile heart in two, but so long as they were talking about younger Erwin, it was as if their current fiasco hadn’t happened yet, and so Levi was able to enjoy Nile’s words as he denied his present reality.

“All right. Fine,” Nile said with a snort. “After that day on the roof, my fate was sealed to forever follow that asshole around. The weird thing was that Erwin welcomed me. In fact, he seemed relieved by my presence. Maybe because I had a couple more IQ points than the members of his fellow basketball team members. Anyway, Erwin was always encouraging me to just confess to Mary already. He teased and teased until finally one day I blurted, ‘Well I’d confess if I had the right opportunity.’ Naturally, Erwin jumped on that, and swore to make it happen.”

_Maybe I can ask Erwin if I can see some old pictures_ , he thought, and then froze. No. There would be no old pictures. He and Erwin were no longer in contact with each other.

An icy chill settled in his veins and cracked along until the tips of his fingers. He realized that emptiness wasn’t nothingness—it was cold. He was so cold. He pulled his hands up into the sleeves of his sweatshirt but it didn’t help. When he bit down on his lip it tasted like old rust.

“So a couple of weeks later at the spring dance he shoved two drinks into my hands and said, ‘Wait here.’ Several minutes later he dragged a laughing Mary over to me. He probably hadn’t had to do much in order to get her attention. Just a smile from him would have been enough. Just a few moments and he’d accomplished more with her than I had in years. She looked radiant, of course. She’s always been a beautiful woman, but when she laughs it’s something else. Anyway, so there she is, and Erwin bursts out with, ‘All right, Nile. She’s ready for your big announcement,’ and I just freeze. I look at her and she’s all light and easy grace, and I’m just a shlumpy shmo in a tux that’s just a little too big, and I can’t do it. I can’t say it. All those years and I have the opportunity and I just can’t. But then her face brightens and she says, ‘That’s okay, I already know.’ And that shocks me so much I choke on my own spit. So there I am, hacking and spewing my lungs out, so it’s Erwin who’s forced to say, ‘You do?’ And she says. ‘Yeah, and I’m all for it.’ And I lose it. I’m so happy that I even manage to stop choking long enough to grab her hand and say, ‘really?’ And then…oh god it’s still embarrassing to this day…she says, ‘Yes, I think you two make a beautiful couple and I feel so honored that you would choose to come out to me.’”

Levi couldn’t laugh. The cold was spreading too far despite Nile’s light tone.

“So naturally I’m totally dumbfounded, and Erwin is no help because he’s practically having seizures, he’s laughing so hard. And I’m ready to kill him because I’m looking for someone to blame. But then Mary, bless her heart goes, ‘it’s such a shame because I would have totally dated either of you,’ and so then Erwin says—“

“Hey Nile?”

Nile’s story screeched to a halt. “Yes?”

“Can we not say Erwin stories for a while? It’s too cold.”

Levi knew that sentence didn’t make sense to anyone other than him, but he was too miserable to care. Slowly, unwillingly, the reality of his situation was setting in, and the solid dread added to his cold as he realized that he was going to feel incredibly shitty for a potentially tremendous amount of time.

“Of course. My apologies for being insensitive.”

Nile twisted the ignition key and the car rumbled to life.

_Now you’ve gone and made everything uncomfortable,_ Levi thought. _He was happy telling the stories._

Once again Erwin’s words came to him. He wondered how often that would be happening.

_Be kind to yourself._

The blonde had always made it sound so easy, but Levi knew that with his background it wouldn’t be.

_Fine for you to say, Erwin._

But he knew the man’s advice was sound. It always was. And that was the problem. It was hard to disagree with a man that was always right.

Levi looked up at Nile. It was just his side profile he was seeing, but that was enough. There was a weariness in the man’s face. Everyone he saw lately was tired.

“Nile?”

The man made a quiet sound of assent.

“Do you also think I did the wrong thing?”

Nile rubbed his hand across his face. He was doing that an awful lot today.

“I think you have the right to do as you wish…”

Levi knew there was a “but” coming.

“But I also really fucking hate seeing Erwin cry.”

Levi felt every microscopic particle in the air sharpen and turn their blades against him.

There was ice in his veins and it was scraping everything open. Raw.

“Erwin was crying?”

The sentence was hard to say, and he never wanted to voice it again.

Nile didn’t answer, and that was answer enough.

Levi’s muscles hurt, and his head ached. He just wanted to lie down and taste oblivion. But there were more questions to be asked.

“I hurt him?”

It was a stupid question. Possibly the stupidest one he’d ever asked. But the idea of hurting Erwin seemed strange. The man seemed infallible. How could just his words hurt a man that strong?

“That’s an insulting question. Of course he’s hurt. I haven’t seen him look at me with eyes like that since Mike died.”

That wasn’t possible.

“But Mike was his fiancé. I’m just—“

The breath went out of Levi as Nile hit the brakes. They slammed to a halt.

“If you’re going to be this purposefully ignorant then get out of the car. The walk back give you a chance to think a little.”

Levi’s eyes were wide. He’d never seen Nile’s eyes flair like that.

“I’m sorry,” Levi said, the words automatic. They’d never slipped out of him so easily. This whole ordeal with Erwin was affecting him in unexpected ways.

But it wasn’t enough. The emotion in Nile was fire.

“This may come as a surprise to you, Levi. But I never disliked you. Even back in my medical school days. You were shitty to me, sure, but at least your disdain was open, and that was kind of refreshing. But even if I didn’t actively dislike you, I didn’t count you as a friend. You were too abrasive for that. But you were good for Hanji, and after she and I became partners, I mentally acknowledged you as someone important. That’s why I wholeheartedly encouraged her to place you in the center, because it was clear to me that the person most important to her should be properly taken care of. I never imagined what would come of it, and if I had, Levi, I would never have allowed it, at least…that’s what I used to think.”

Nile smacked the steering wheel with a kind of half-hearted frustration.

“Why is it that all my stress in life involves Erwin? It’s been that way since I first met that bastard.”

_You can say that again._

Nile twisted around in his seat to face Levi.

“I remember that first Wednesday he met you. He came to my office and the first words out of his mouth were, ‘Nile, you have to move that patient up into my ward.” And you know what? I knew that he was talking about you. I don’t know how, but I knew. And I also knew something else. Call it a gut feeling, but I knew that every time he entered my office after that would have something to do with you, and I wasn’t wrong.”

In the weeks after meeting Erwin, Levi had often wished that he’d be able to see into the other man’s mind to know what the blonde thought of him. He had never imagined that Erwin’s interest had gone back so far.

“The next day he slammed into my office with an even more alarming expression on his face and blurted, ‘Nile I just did something very stupid.’ He refused to tell me what it was, but assured me he was handling it.”

_But he was so calm, collected. This isn’t possible._

“The third day he didn’t slam into my office, because I was the one who went to him. It was after your attack. I heard from Erd that you’d calmed down, but that Erwin was still with you. I went to do an assessment since Hanji was still running herself ragged. And when I got there…”

Levi didn’t remember seeing Nile that night, which could only mean one thing.

_I fell asleep with Erwin in my bed and his arms around me. He must have walked in on that._

Nile saw the recognition in Levi’s eyes.

“Yes. I remember being _quite_ surprised.”

_I can imagine._

“When Erwin saw me, he slid out of your bed, grabbed my arm and pulled me into one of the empty examination rooms before I could begin my rant right in your room. The first thing he said was, ‘I know what it looks like.’ And that was probably the one thing he could have said that would have pissed me off the most.”

The weirdest part of all this for Levi was that he’d been clueless that any of it was happening. It was hard to wrap his brain around—especially with a brain that felt as floppy and useless as it did now.

“I demanded to know the whole story, and he told me. About the first kiss, about how it had started as something spontaneous he’d acted on, but then the whole thing took on a mind of its own. He told me about how you’d invaded his mind. How you were everywhere and he just needed to be next to you and that you were the most refreshing person he’d ever met.”

“Ever?”

“Ever.”

_Huh_.

“He said that he gets a rush every time he speaks to you, and that he hadn’t thought he could laugh that hard or easily.”

Nile looked a little bit more than mildly uncomfortable as he spoke these things. Levi didn’t blame him. Erwin was the king of all things sappy.

“He said that the easiest way to get himself to smile was to think of you.”

Levi pushed his hands against his stomach. It hurt, and it wasn’t like usual pain. Because he’d thought he’d built himself up to withstand all kinds. Physical stuff like bruises and cuts never so much as made him flinch. But this…his body didn’t know how to deal with this.

_He said all that after three days together?_

He’d thought he was the only one who’d fallen ridiculously fast.

_Nile’s wrong. He has to be. Erwin was the physical manifestation of suave confidence. I was the little virgin to love who got swept away. Not him._

“I didn’t believe it. Not at first. It was ridiculous. Here was a man who could fuck his way through a dozen men _at the same time_ and not bat an eye. The idea of this fumbling innocent kind of high school like crush was impossible. ‘You’re 37,’ I reminded him. But it didn’t matter. He wasn’t hearing me. He was talking to me, but he was still thinking about you, and the bed he’d just left behind. I didn’t realize that until later, though. Not until I walked into the staff bedroom the next day and saw you in his arms.”

_I thought that was the first Nile had seen of us._

Levi was forced to look at the encounter in a whole new light.

“What did you—I mean, what were you thinking when you saw that?”

“That I was in deep shit, and that Erwin was in even deeper shit. I saw the way he looked at you, and I was forced to believe it, even though it was impossible. You’d just fucking met, I mean _Jesus Christ_ for 6 years after Mike’s death he wouldn’t even hear about going on even one lame ass date and then I walk in and see him holding you like you’re this damn priceless vase—“

“Not even one?”

The thought was shocking. Erwin looked the way he did, after all.

“No. He’d given up on romance. Sex, he still did. But romance? He laughed when it was even mentioned. I don’t like to psychoanalyze Erwin, because I know he doesn’t like it, but I don’t think he thought romance was safe for him. I don’t know if you’re aware, but he blames himself—“

“For Mike’s death. Yeah, I know. I’m working on it.”

Nile gave him two seconds of stunned bafflement before fumbling for his next words.

“Right. So he rejected everything. Not just marriage or solid commitment, but even the most casual of relationships. If he had sex with someone it never exceeded two or three times before he went on to the next one. Most were one night, or even one hour long stands. He made me believe it was hopeless. Everyone tried their hand at talking to him about it, but he was so adamant that people eventually gave up. But then there was you. And just that single second of watching you both in that bedroom made it look to me as if the last six years hadn’t happened.”

Even Levi’s mind didn’t have words, just spastic jumping emotions. There was warmth, but also sadness, instability and a rippling sense of awe.

“I spoke to him later that night. It was late and he was tired, so tired. I had a feeling he wasn’t sleeping--suspected it when he decided to trade his day shifts with Gunther and Auruo’s night ones. Maybe it was his tiredness that left him so open, but I think it was more that he was just plain done with being silent. He told me that he felt alive again, and that everything mattered more, seemed brighter. When I told him he looked dead on his feet, he touched his face and said, ‘Is that so?’ with a smile that said he didn’t feel it, nor care. And Levi, he told me something strange. He said, ‘I feel like meeting him put something back in place that was always supposed to be there. Like I’ve been holding my breath waiting for him to come back.’”

Levi’s breath stopped.

_There’s no way…_

“I asked if he’d ever met you before, and he said no. ‘But you said “back”’ I told him. ‘Did I?’ he said, and then went right on talking. But that stuck with me because he so rarely messes up his wording. I didn’t know what to make of it. The whole thing was so strange.”

_Calm down. It’s not what you think. He’s not weird like you. Of course you’ve never met before. You would have remembered if you had. Those fucking dreams don’t count. They’re not real. They’re not._

But a little voice slithering up the median of his brain insisted otherwise.

“I was afraid, Levi. And I told him so. I told him everything I was thinking. About how dangerous it all was, how inappropriate and out of character he was acting. At first he was angry at me. It led to some shouting. He didn’t like my accusations, and he didn’t like that I was insinuating that he couldn’t handle the situation. He left the room in a storm of indignation, and didn’t talk to me for two days.”

_This sounds a little too familiar._

It looked like Levi wasn’t the only one who didn’t like being accused of not being ready for something.

“But I wasn’t angry, just worried. I was so fucking worried, Levi. I wanted to shake him, to make him speak to me, but I also knew that I’d never get anything real out of him that way. It had to come from him. It’s always been that way between us. We infuriate each other. Maybe it’s because we’ve each known the other for so long that we’re aware of just where to step to really get to the heart of things. I don’t know. But I knew he was thinking about what I said because for those two days, as well as the rest of the week, he didn’t touch you.”

_So that’s what it was._

It was such a relief to finally know the cause.

_It wasn’t something I did._

Levi hadn’t truly believed him when Erwin said he hadn’t done anything wrong.

“Erwin is a meticulous man who analyzes everything he does and says. That’s why I was afraid when everything he did around you was so unrestrained and spontaneous. But he couldn’t forget himself completely, not for long anyway, no matter how much you took him by surprise.”

_He wanted me. He wasn’t just holding me back, he was holding himself back. He. Wanted. Me._

He loved the words. Wanted to sing them, and maybe write them in the stars and leave them hanging there.

“He did come back and talk to me. That time he didn’t slam into my office. He knocked. And when I asked him to come in he walked right up to me, stood me up, and hugged me for a good five minutes before either of us tried to speak. Finally he said, ‘You’re right. I know you are. But I’m not sure how much I’m going to let that affect things.’”

Nile snorted. The way he did it sounded like whenever Petra heard Hanji had been doing experiments in the kitchen with the food processor again.

“Honestly that was better than I expected. It was something I could work with. So we talked. I said my bits, he said his. He vaulted between very different moods. At times he would despair. He would come to me and be so upset that words would tumble from his lips in an odd combination of thoughts and reality. That always scared me, but worse was when he’d come to me, eyes flashing with anger. Those times were always full of grand proclamations. He’d pace my office and say things like, ‘I don’t care anymore’—I’ve heard _that_ one too many times to count. ‘I don’t care what people say, or what anyone will think. I want him.’ He liked to throw that around like it made up for anything. Whenever I raised valid points, like the fact you were a patient here, he’d whine, ‘but I _want_ him.’ Honestly, I really wanted to smack him sometimes.”

Levi pinched himself again. He had to, and this time he wasn’t even embarrassed when Nile rolled his eyes.

“Believe me, I’m not making this shit up. He can act like a stubborn toddler sometimes.”

“But he never—“

“Said anything like that to you? Of course he didn’t. He was behaving. That’s why I put up with all the whining, because I knew it was just words. He knew he couldn’t do anything with you. He knew it would be wrong.”

“But it _wouldn’t_ be wrong. I gave consent. I—“

“It wouldn’t be wrong for _you_ to sleep with him, Levi. But it would be wrong for him. He was your friend, but he was also your caretaker. His priority should have been to aid your recovery—“

“And he _did_.”

“There’s no need to shout, Levi. I’m on your side, you know.”

“It doesn’t sound like it! It was all your fault that we—“

“So you didn’t fuck. Big deal. Waiting a couple of months isn’t going to kill either of you. You’re both blowing all this out of proportion.”

“You. Don’t. Know. Anything.”

Levi was furious, and he was glad for it, because anger meant he didn’t have to concentrate on the guilt and hurt ripping him apart inside.

_He wanted me. I made it so hard for him, and he wanted me, and it hurt him, and he wanted me, and shit why was I such an idiot? Why couldn’t I just help him. Why did I have to do that. Why._

Nile’s face was too understanding and that was just making it worse.

“I don’t know everything, Levi. But I do know some things. And I know Erwin.”

“It’s not just about fucking. It’s about him seeing me as an equal.”

“He sees you as an equal.”

“He doesn’t. He treats me like—“

“Levi. Trust me on this one. He thinks all the world’s beauty and inspiration shines out of your ass.”

“You don’t see how he is with me. You don’t know—“

“How he can’t keep his eyes off you? And blathers on about you every damn second whether he’s awake or asleep. How he gets this stupid little smile on his face that looks like he’s high on something at the dentist whenever he thinks about you. How his face lights up when you enter a room. How he says, ‘I have to remember to tell that to Levi,’ whenever he hears anything remotely interesting. And how he will defend you tooth and nail whenever anyone makes the suggestion that maybe you aren’t quite ready for the next stage of your treatment. Is that what you think I don’t see? Because I see all of it, Levi. Everyone does.”

Levi’s mind was filled with static, the words Nile was saying didn’t fit in with anything else.

“You think he’s condescending? Too rigid? Too controlling? Have you ever actually _looked_ at Erwin when he’s staring at you? I’d recommend it. It’s quite an experience. Because he loves you, Levi. He loves you with the kind of strength I’d think impossible at two months if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes. He wants you to get what you want. He wants you to be happy. But you know what else he wants? Something I would want for Mary, and Hanji would want for Petra, and Erd would want for Gunther. Something everyone wants for their partner. He wants you _alive_ Levi. He wants you _safe_. And it isn’t his fault that the desire to keep you safe and the desire to keep you happy are at odds with each other right now. It’s the shitty reality. It’s what comes with addiction. It’s not your fault either, of course. It’s no one’s fault. But knowing that doesn’t change the fact that you look like an empty husk, and Erwin is back there, ripping at his face because of how much he hates himself.”

Levi’s heart had begun to flair to life at the word “love” but collapsed just as quickly when it heard the word “hate.”

“What do you mean he hates himself?”

“The only thing it can mean. I didn’t want to leave him because I’m afraid of the kind of damaging thoughts going through his head right now. But I had to leave in order to go after your stupid ass.”

“What kind of thoughts?”

“Levi you just threatened to never speak to him again. His heart is in shreds.”

“But it doesn’t have to be. He can take me back right now. I’ll run back to him—fling myself at him-- if he just asks me to.”

“And why do you think he hasn’t called?”

“Well that’s obvious. Because he thinks I’m wrong, and that I need the rest of the treatment, and that without it I’ll relapse and ruin anything and he won’t support me in that.”

Nile turned away from him and jerked the car back into motion.

“Nile?”

Nile didn’t look at him. Didn’t say anything. He just began to drive.

“Nile.”

Still no answer. And Levi realized he wasn’t going to get one.The worst feeling, doubt, began to creep in.

“Are you saying there’s another reason?”

Nothing. He might as well have been talking to a wall.

The speedometer crept up. They entered onto the main highway and Levi knew there would be no more stops between here and Hanji’s place. Levi put on his seat belt. Nile didn’t.

_He’s very angry._

But Levi couldn’t figure out why.

“If you think I’m wrong, just tell me. Why would it hurt you to tell me?”

Nile didn’t answer. This time Levi was determined not to speak again. But as the next thirty minutes passed, his mind had nothing to focus on but Erwin: a crying Erwin who hated himself. And that was an unbearable image. Finally he gave in.

“Just talk. You’re driving me anyway. I’m listening. You can say whatever you want. Just talk.”

“I can’t.”

After so much silence the words resounded in the small car.

“Why not?”

“Because I’m supposed to be professional, but all I want to do is kick your little shitty ass out of a moving vehicle.”

“Don’t bother with professional. Just tell me why.”

“Because if that’s what you fucking think—if you think Erwin is that petty, that stubborn, then you don’t deserve him and you need to get the fuck out of my sight.”

Levi’s heart skipped a couple of beats. Not in fear, but because he was going to be able to extract the information he wanted.

“Explain.”

“No! It won’t mean anything if I do. Figure it out yourself.”

“But—“

“If you think that Erwin would let you walk away as a kind of punishment to show he doesn’t support your choice--then you can forget about me being on your side. I’ll try my hardest to ensure that you never get the chance to hurt him again.”

A memory floated up in his mind, and words, Erwin’s words. _I would never punish you, Levi._

He shut his mouth and began to think.

_He wanted me to stay at the center. That much is truth, and Nile can’t deny that. He wanted me to be safe, he said. Nile said it too. But I refused to stay. That made him threaten me with the no sex thing. He was trying to get me to do what he wanted. But I refused that too which left him with no other cards in his hands. He had nothing to stop me from leaving. I wasn’t going to stay at the center._

“There was nothing he could do,” Levi said.

He needed a hint, something.

“I had him trapped in the corner.”

“Wrong.”

Nile spat out the word. He was still furious.

“So then what could he do?”

“Figure it out yourself.”

“No! That’s bullshit. Help me understand. I want to understand.”

“Then _think_! When has anyone ever trapped Erwin in a corner? When?”

“Never.”

“Then why do you think you’d be the first one to do it, asshole? Because he loves you? He loves a lot of people. That’s never stopped him before.”

“So then what—“

“Think!”

“But there’s no third option! It was either stay or leave and I chose to leave.”

“Idiot! _You_ were the one who gave him the third option in the first place!”

Levi stopped talking, but didn’t even bother to shut his mouth, so it hung open as the revelation hit him.

_Of course._

He felt like an idiot.

_Of course. Of course. Of-fucking-course._

It was just as Nile said. There was a third option. There always had been. Levi could have stayed at the center, left on his own, or gone to live with Erwin. Levi had knocked off the third option because Erwin hadn’t even considered it, but it was important to note _why_ Erwin hadn’t considered it.

Nile insisted that Erwin wasn’t being petty or stubborn, and Levi was inclined to believe him, if only because the man was so angry about it. So that meant Levi had to look deeper.

_Erwin is smarter than you. So you have to consider what a smart and astoundingly logical person would do_.

And once he thought about logic, the answer was obvious. Levi had made an ultimatum: get together, or split. Erwin wanted him to stay at the center, but that wasn’t going to happen, and the blonde realized it after Levi had given him the 30 day threat. So staying at the center was the option Levi no longer had to look at. That left getting together, or potentially splitting forever. Some men would be hurt when their contributions were thrown out. But Erwin hadn’t been looking out for his own feelings back there. He hadn’t been arguing for his own sake, and he’d never mentioned what he’d wanted even once. The only statement Erwin had made over and over again was that he wanted Levi to be safe. The safest place for him would be at the Center, but Erwin knew Levi wasn’t choosing that, so out of the two remaining options, the one that would keep Levi the safest would be—

_With him. If it was for the sake of my safety, even if it went against what he thought was appropriate, he would have taken me home. He would have fucked me if that’s what made me safe. He would have done anything. Because if I split with him I would be in a hell of a lot more danger of relapsing than if I was with him._

It was the undeniable truth. Levi was never stronger than when he was with Erwin. The man was his shield for a reason. The dangers of the world paled in strength around Erwin. He’d known that since the very first day. He felt so stupid for forgetting, it was so obvious.

_If he was with me he could watch over me, help me, be the mediator between an environment like the center and the dangers of independent living. In fact, staying with him would probably have been the next best step on the safe road to recovery. It was his best option. So why didn’t he pick it?_

He couldn’t say it. He could already feel the effects of the words roiling up in him, rumbling, threatening to split everything. But he had to. Because saying them aloud was what Erwin deserved after Levi had so poorly misunderstood his actions.

“Erwin didn’t choose to stay with me because in the end—in that moment when I threatened him—he changed his number one priority. He wanted me to be safe. He still does. But the reason he hates himself and the reason he looked so broken is because—because he changed tracks. He’s sacrificing my safety. He waited to see how much my independence was worth to me, and when he saw I was willing to give him up—when I chose my own well-being over a relationship—he knew that I was serious, and so he…he let me go, didn’t he Nile?”

The words trembled, dissolving in the wetness that was beginning to flood Levi’s eyes.

“He chose to cut that safety net. He saw I was serious and so he believed in me. He let me go because he was choosing my independence over our relationship too. Because a relationship with me has never been his goal, no matter how many times you said he wanted it. His goal has always, since that very first fucking day he helped me to shit, been to get me my independence.”

The tears were streaming now, unchecked, uncared for. Because how could that matter when his heart was dying with the hurt of his regret.

“I have never felt for a man what I feel for Erwin Smith,” Levi said. They were obvious words, but he needed to say them to get to the next ones. “And he knew that. He knew it. And so when I confessed to him, but then walked away, he knew that if I could give up on the kind of relationship I might never be able to have with anyone else—if I could do that, then he could put his trust in me. Erwin, he—he _believed_ in me. He let me leave the Center because he knew that I’ll do it. I’ll win. I’ll break this fucking addiction. And so he didn’t stop me. He didn’t try to confuse me by confessing his own feelings. He didn’t try to persuade me for a second more. He never mentioned what he deserved, or what was fair. He explained the danger. He told me the risks. That was his last gift to me. And then he just…just _watched_.”

Levi knew his words weren’t really audible anymore. They were sobs—broken ugly ones. But he couldn’t stop. He had to get to the very end.

“He did _nothing_ even though he was smarter than me, more cunning. I don’t have much power to resist him. If he’d tried he could have gotten me to give in. If he’d really tried. If he’d used those powers of manipulation I accused him of. If he’d made it personal. If he’d said “Stay because you’ll break my heart if you don’t. Stay because I won’t be okay if you don’t.” Then I would have stayed. I wouldn’t have had a choice. But he didn’t. He knew how hard it was for me to give that 30 day ultimatum. He knew how fragile I felt and how much I was warring with myself to take it back. And that’s why he didn’t try to convince me after I gave it. Because he no longer wanted to sway my opinion. Because he wanted me to have my free will. He’s a man who’s always working, thinking, doing, but at that moment he chose to do nothing because that’s what _I_ needed.”

The last bit would kill him. It would, but he dug his fingers into his palms and kept going because it was the only thing he could do for Erwin now, and the man damn well deserved it.

“But I spit in his face. I accused him of horrible things. And he just took it all. Offered no argument to it. Because he’s a good man. A fucking beautiful angel. And you’re right. I don’t deserve him for what I did, what I said. You’re right. So maybe it’s best that I left. And maybe it’s best that it stay this way.”

Levi had run out of his tears, but his heart didn’t seem to know that. It wouldn’t stop shuddering or breaking not when the words stopped, and not when, after several long minutes, Nile opened his mouth to speak.

“Pretty good. You got almost everything correct.”

Levi couldn’t bring himself to foster up any curiosity. His body was dead and his head was too heavy for his neck to support.

“You’re right that Erwin believes in you, maybe even more than you believe in yourself. And you’re right that he loves you. And you’re right that he could have convinced you if he’d wanted to. And you’re also right that he values your independence more than he ever would his own feelings. But you’re wrong, Levi, if you think this means things should stay this way. I spoke in anger before, because I was frustrated with you. But the reality is that you are very good for Erwin.”

He wasn’t absorbing Nile’s words. He wasn’t absorbing anything. The car, the road, the world they inhabited all ceased to matter as Levi let his mind shroud everything in darkness.

“For so long he’s been functioning on auto-pilot. A kind of half-self. But you bring him to life, Levi. You bring him back as he should be, vibrant and wonderfully infuriating.”

_If I’d just ignored him that first day, if I’d held out longer, then maybe he would have given up. and I never would have hurt him._

Because that was the worst part. Hurting him was the worst thing he’d ever done. Because unlike Farlan and Isabel’s death, this time he knew that the hurt truly _was_ his fault.

“And Levi, I honestly believe that if there is anyone who can break him out of that never ending cycle of guilt, it’s you.”

_But he never would have given up. He would have kept finding opportunities to speak to me, to reach out to me, to pull me out of that dreadful pit I let myself sink in._

“You have the chance to change everything, Levi. You just have to let yourself.”

_I didn’t have the strength back then to refuse him. He would have gotten to me eventually._

“Are you listening, Levi? I want you to hear this.”

_But I’m stronger now, and Erwin isn’t going to contact me. He won’t try reaching out anymore. This is my chance to set him free._

“Levi you’re receding too far. Come back out and talk.”

_He deserves to be free. That’s the best gift I could give him._

“Levi.”

But Nile was gone to Levi. So he didn’t hear him for the remaining twenty minutes of road they crossed. And he didn’t see anything as he stumbled into Hanji’s home and went straight to the bedroom that had always been designated as his. And he didn’t register when the key turned in the lock and Petra and Hanji both rushed in, looking for him.

_If you love him…if you truly love him…then you’ll also do nothing. You’ll let him go._

He saw nothing, heard nothing, felt nothing. Until Hanji’s ringing slap found his face.

Levi jerked back into the world and came face to face with the angriest looking creature he had ever seen. Her hair was a frizzy bird’s nest. It had no less than three pens stuck in it, and what was clearly a plastic cafeteria spoon. She had a scratch down one cheek, and one of the buttons on her shirt was missing. Of course then there was the matter of her teeth. They were set in a tight line and were clearly being bared at him.

“Hanji,” he said, waking from his foggy mental state. “Hi.”

“ _You_.”

She made the word sound like cardboard through a shredder.

“How dare you.”

Levi pushed himself up onto one elbow, but Hanji shoved him back down.

“How dare you not tell me about those papers. How dare you share your plans with Nile and not me. How fucking dare you, Levi.”

“Oh.”

His brain wasn’t functioning very well at the moment, but even if it had been, he doubted he would have found better words for the occasion.

“I wouldn’t have stopped you from leaving. You know that I don’t tell you how to live your life, so why couldn’t you have told me, huh? Did you think it wasn’t worth mentioning?”

The truth was that he’d forgotten. He hadn’t gone to Hanji because she’d been busy with a mild emergency with a med order the day he left, and when he saw her when he’d been sneaking out he’d been preoccupied with other things.

“Uh, that’s not—“

“Do you know how worried I was? Do you know how much calmer I would have been if you’d just opened your mouth and told me?”

“I forgot.”

“You _forgot_?”

“Leave him, Zo.”

It was Petra’s voice, but it seemed strange to Levi. She never got involved when Hanji and he had arguments.

Hanji ignored her. She ripped the pillow out from beneath Levi’s head and whacked him on the ass with it.

“You could have called me at any point. I wouldn’t have needed much. I wouldn’t have interrupted your romantic little rendezvous.”

“Zoe, don’t. We can do this later. Right now he’s fragile.”

“ _He’s_ fragile? I thought he was dead, lynched or something by crazy whackos. When that stupid news cast came on I tried calling him. Do you know how many times I tried calling him?”

She shoved at his shoulder. “Why didn’t you pick up your phone, dumbass? I had to pop valium because of you. I had to borrow a couple from a fucking _patient_. Do you know how bad that is?”

Levi wanted her to stop shouting. All the anger was shattering the cold ice already in his veins and driving it into his flesh. He felt freezing, and wanted the blanket, but he was lying on top of it and he didn’t have the energy to roll off and pull it over himself.

He felt rough fingers in his pocket and realized she was going for his phone. She yanked it out and held it up.

“Dead. Why is your phone dead? Why would you do that to me, Levi? Do you _want_ me to have an early heart attack?”

Of course he didn’t. If Hanji ever died he would probably kill himself.

“I’m sure he didn’t do it on purpose.”

“Stay out of this.”

“Don’t talk to me like that. I’m upset to. But we should be thinking about what’s best for Levi.”

“What—and I’m _not_ doing what’s best for him? I’ve dedicated my whole life to this little shit. Don’t you tell me that I’m not doing what’s best for him.”

“You should let him rest.”

“You should butt out.”

“ _Zoe_.”

“This is between him and I.”

“It’s _always_ between you and him. I never get a say when it comes to Levi.”

“He’s mine, and he knows that.”

“Stop acting like you have this damn monopoly. You’re not the only one allowed to love him.”

“I know him best.”

“You’re certainly not acting like it.”

“He is my _life_.”

“Yes. You’ve made that clear.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means I’m tired of coming in second all the time.”

“You knew when I married you that he was a priority.”

“No. I knew that he was important to you. I understood that. But I did not sign up to be married to a woman who puts me at the bottom of the list every fucking time.”

_No. Stop._

Levi twisted around, horror blooming on his face. This wasn’t right. This wasn’t supposed to be happening. He wasn’t supposed to be a wedge who broke everything apart.

He saw them both facing off against each other, bodies closed off even as they leaned closer. There was an almost palpable fire surrounding each of them.

“I dropped Levi when you landed in the hospital, didn’t I?”

“I was in danger of dying!”

“So was Levi. I still came.”

“You expecting a fucking medal or something? Who knows when you would have noticed that I was gone if the hospital hadn’t called to tell you I was going into surgery.”

“Don’t you make me out to be evil incarnate. Of course I would have noticed. When have I not noticed you? I always notice you.”

“I don’t just want to be noticed, Zoe. I want you to be involved. I want your eyes to light up when you see me the way they do when you see _him_. I want your love. I want my wife.”

“I _am_ your wife.”

“So act like it, damn it. Spend time with me. Come home to me. You’re never home.”

“I’ve been busy.”

“I know that. And I know that you just want to make sure Levi is okay. And I love you for loving him so much, I really do, but I just…”

Petra’s voice cracked.

“I _miss_ you, Zo.”

Her breath sucked in too sharply. She was trying to cut off a sob. Levi wished he’d gone somewhere neither of them could find him. He wished he’d just kept running along that road. Because then he wouldn’t be ruining everything important left in his life.

_When I left Erwin’s side I went back to being poison._

Hanji and Petra’s marriage was the only happy one in Levi’s life. It was a stronghold. Impenetrable. And it was the one thing he’d been sure of always. Except now even that looked like it was being threatened.

“Zoe don’t,” He said. He meant to call it out, but it sounded more like a wheeze that had been stepped on. “I’m not that important. I’ll be okay. Listen to Petra, she—“

“SHUT UP!” Hanji roared. She shoved her hands up into her hair and knocked two of the pens out. “Just shut up, both of you. Everything. _Everything_ has been in a constant state of emergency for the past two months and I can’t handle it. I just can’t.”

She grabbed Petra’s arm. “You want to know why I haven’t been home? Because I’ve been running around like a chicken on an overdose of Adderall just trying to keep everyone alive and happy. Levi is having an emotional crisis, you’re feeling neglected, Gunther keeps getting threatening voice mails from a crazy ex-boyfriend, Auruo’s sister just lost her pregnancy, and Shadis has been diagnosed with stage three stomach cancer. I’ve got staff threatening to leave left and right, more patients pouring in, and don’t even get me started on Ymir right now or I will fucking break down. Everyone is piling their problems onto me, and I know Nile will be putting in less time because he’ll be trying to take care of Erwin, and Erwin—fuck—Erwin isn’t going to be working at the Center anymore. And it’s all catastrophe after catastrophe, but you know what _isn’t_ happening? Anyone asking me how I feel in all this shit. Do you think it feels good? Do any of you want to take over my fucking life for me right now? I’ll take any volunteers. Because I’m holding onto a thread. I’m living off of caffeine and cigarettes—and _yes_ I started that filthy fucking habit back up again, I’m sorry, both of you, I’m sorry, but I had to. It was either that or go completely batshit. And I _know_ I’m not giving enough time to either of you. I _know_ that I should be more level headed right now. But I’ve had too little sleep in too many days and this guilt and this pressure are tearing me apart and—and I miss you too, Petra. I miss you so fucking much. And it kills me when I come home and I see those little Tupperware containers full of leftover dinner in the fridge--dinner that I keep missing over and over again. It hurts so badly to know how much I’m hurting you. I ache when I spend nights at the center. I can’t sleep properly without your warmth. I hate it. Of course I hate it. You’re the only woman who’s been able to put up with my shit. And I know there’s no way I’ll ever find that again. I don’t _want_ to find that again. I love you, and I’m so fucking afraid that on top of everything else you’ll choose to leave me, and Levi will leave to be with Erwin. And I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to go back to being the freaky glasses girl everyone was afraid of. Not that. Not again.”

It was Hanji’s tears that got Levi off of that bed. Her misery would always trump his. And as she collapsed against Petra’s chest, and he wrapped his hands around them both, he was speared with the knowledge that he was the most damaging force on earth.

\--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry my friends. I'm just. ugh. I've emotionally exhausted from writing this chapter. Angst is so hard on me.   
> A lot happens in this chapter. I hope you can see Erwin's feelings and ways of thinking a bit more now. You will see even more next chapter because the next one is Erwin's POV. I love you guys, and I apologize for any tears.


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is dedicated to my loyal readers who've stuck with this story despite the month long hiatus. I love you guys. thanks for being so patient.

Chapter 24:

Erwin pulled the edge of his undershirt up, dabbed at the sweat on his face, and then gave up and pulled the wet material from his body.

“Oh come on,” Nanaba groaned. “You finally managed to keep your shirt on for like a whole hour today.”

Erwin looked around and then tossed the sodden cotton into the corner of the room. All around them were partially unpacked boxes. He’d been hard at work since 5 am. Erd had stopped by to help for a couple of hours before morning shift, and Nanaba had showed up around noon time. Because of their efforts they were finally down to the last two rooms.

_Have to tell Nile I probably won’t need him after all,_ Erwin thought. Beside him Nanaba was chugging down water like it was liquid gold.

He’d been determined to move in because it was his only day off this week, but he hadn’t expected to get so far.

_It’s easier to work hard with the motivation you have_ , he thought.

Even though it had been twenty four days since he’d been given Levi’s ultimatum, he still didn’t like thinking directly about it. Even mild circumvented thoughts that involved Levi made his stomach do awful swooping things, and if he really started to think about it his hand tremor would return.

Erwin looked down at his hands. Thankfully they weren’t shaking. Erwin hated the hand tremor. It was a terrible sign of exterior weakness that let anyone--those he trusted, and those he didn’t--know when he was in a state of turmoil. The hand tremor was one of the reasons he’d started so regularly drinking. For whatever reason alcohol had stopped the shaking. That had given Erwin a great feeling of control back. With alcohol he could hide what he was really feeling. Taking himself away from the crutch had been monumentally anxiety laden, but he had done it. That didn’t mean he still didn’t have the urge for a stiff drink. That feeling had been all too present in the last 24 days, but what was important was that he hadn’t given into it.

_It’s okay to let people know you’re not okay_ , Nile had always said to him. _You don’t have to hide everything. We’re not all out to exploit you for your weaknesses. We won’t make you regret trusting us._

And Nile was right. Erwin knew that he was a little too cautious when it came to trusting others, and opening up to people was something he pretty much preferred to never do, but the people in his life now were good ones, and he didn’t regret what they knew.

Erwin looked up when Nanaba touched his elbow. She was holding up a small glass ballerina.

“Where do ya want this, buddy?”

Erwin had to suppress the urge to grab the small figure from her hands. It had been his little sister’s. Not many people knew about Dee. She’d died at seven. Measles. They had both been vaccinated, but for whatever reason hers hadn’t been effective. He didn’t know why. He’d only been a year older at the time, and Eight years old, no matter how mature you were, was far too young to lose a sibling. Erwin had bought the figurine for her. He’d used most of his birthday money from his Nana to get it, but the look on Dee’s face had been worth it. She’d always wanted to be a ballerina. As a child she hadn’t been as disciplined as Erwin had been, but she’d still been determined. She’d gotten their parents to get her lessons starting at four years old, and she’d practiced no matter what. Even after she’d gotten sick, Erwin would walk into her room and see her trying to stretch. He remembered overhearing the doctors say she was going to die, but Dee had been convinced that her sickness was going to heal. “I can’t die,” she once whispered to him at the hospital, “I can’t even do a good split jump yet.” She’d been stubborn, but that hadn’t been enough. Erwin had wanted to believe her, but her face got so pale as the days dragged on, and her fever burned so hot that the cold compresses did nothing. When she died Erwin’s father stopped speaking to him. Dee had been his princess, and without her he’d shriveled into nothing. He’d been a broad man, broader than Erwin was even now, but he’d shrunk with her death. They said he died of heartbreak, but the doctors called it lung cancer. For the years following Dee’s death, Erwin couldn’t find a memory of his where there wasn’t a cigarette dangling from his father’s lips. Smoke was always escaping him, and as a child Erwin had thought the smoke was little bits of his father escaping, and the reason he’d shrunk so small. He hadn’t told Levi, but Dee’s death was the reason his father had done nothing to stop mother’s abuse. Erwin was pretty sure the man hadn’t even been aware of it. He’d been aware of nothing. Erwin hadn’t attended his high school graduation. After getting kicked out at 16, he’d soon been picked up by a modeling agency and he’d had a photo shoot on the day of the ceremony, but even if he had been there one no one would have attended.

Erwin reached out for the figurine, but drew his hand back before he could take it from Nanaba.

_You can trust her._

She was a dear friend, and he would trust her with his life—a figurine wasn’t too much to leave her with. She knew its significance. He knew she would treat it with care.

“It’ll go back in its stand. It should still be in the box. I wrapped them separately.”

Nanaba nodded and bent down to rifle through the remaining flotsam. Erwin watched her for a minute, and felt a sweet gentleness slip through him. At first, after Mike had died, her presence had been a prickling guilt. He’d taken the most important person away from her, and though she hadn’t blamed him, her very existence, and her sad broken eyes had ensured many sleepless nights on his part. But over the years their constant presence in each other’s lives had smoothed away rough edges and left them fitting together even more than they had to start with.

“Hey, Naba? Remember when we first met?”

Erwin was feeling particularly nostalgic. Maybe it was because of all the old stuff he was unpacking today, but it also might have been the new house. It was smaller than the old one. Two floors with a large master bedroom and two smaller ones. It also had a large living and dining room area. Just big enough to have friends, but not large enough to feel like the museum Levi had accused his old home of being. He’d found the house just four days after his showdown with Levi at the Center. _This is the one_ , he’d thought as he’d stepped into the place and seen how the light streamed in and lit it up. The only problem had been when he’d stepped into the kitchen. There was a large window set into it above the sink that looked out over a quaint backyard. Seeing it, Erwin had been struck silent as a sharp poker-hot object had pierced his stomach. The realtor showing him the place had been concerned by his sudden change of expression. “You look like you’ve just seen a ghost,” she’d said. And in a way, he had. Because he’d pictured Levi there, standing in front of the window, mug of tea in hand. Erwin had cursed himself then for thinking of that stupid mental exercise for Levi on the plane back from Maine, because even though he’d asked Levi to close his eyes and picture a scene, the plan had backfired, and an image, strong and lasting, had blossomed in Erwin’s mind along with the sudden but powerful conviction that he had to have Levi in his home. He’d looked at Levi on that plane with his faded sweatshirt and flashing grey eyes and thought _I would give the rest of my life to you._

The thought had scared him, but it hadn’t surprised him. He’d known within the first day of meeting Levi that he’d met someone special, and it had only taken a few days to know that the small man had the power to take over his mind completely.

“Of course I remember,” Nanaba said, interrupting Erwin’s reverie. “The first thing I saw of you was your bare naked ass.”

Erwin remembered the shriek Nanaba had let out when she’d seen it too. She hadn’t always been as unflappable as she was now.

“And the first thing I saw of you was your hand as it slapped my face,” Erwin said. He was already smiling. He always was when he thought of this story.

“Can you blame me? You were standing around drinking coffee in your birthday suit.”

“Hey, _you_ surprised _me._ The first words out of your mouth were, ‘First the fucking DMV shit, and now _this_?’”

“Well yeah. I spent three hours there trying to report a stolen vehicle only to find that my shit best friend had borrowed it to pick your stupid ass up.”

“Hey, to be fair, Mike didn’t specifically use it to pick me up. He was going to Nile’s wedding, which he’d accidentally forgotten about until last minute, and then met my stupid ass there and decided to bring me back as a souvenir of sorts.”

Nanaba wasn’t having his excuses though. “Shut up. You were such a jackass about it too. I almost forgot what a prick you used to be.”

He _had_ been a prick. He could recall that day so clearly. Nanaba had come flying in, all pink hair, motorcycle jacket, and shocked annoyance, and all he’d said was, “A friend of Mike’s, I presume?” That was when she’d slapped him.

“Hey I offered you some coffee, didn’t I?”

“From a coffeemaker that _I_ bought Mike, smart ass.”

She whacked Erwin’s butt and pulled a pair of candlesticks from the box she was working on. “I was jealous, you know,” She said. She was looking at the silver a little too closely. The candlesticks had been an engagement present from Mary.

“I’d known Mike since we were children, and crushed on him for nearly that long, and you managed to sleep with him after just a couple of hours of meeting him. I wanted to stick your head on a pike.”

Erwin wanted to put his arms around her, but he didn’t dare. They had never truly discussed the issue of her wanting to fuck his dead fiancé. Sure, she’d mentioned that she’d been in love with him, and he’d apologized that he had come between them, but they’d never discussed the bare-bones grisly detail of sex.

Nanaba looked up. She’d never been the type to hide herself from her words. “I hated how handsome you were. I hated your casual nakedness—your dick—the thing I was missing, just dangling there between us like some sort of spiteful trophy. I hated your easy confidence and the way you could look at me so dismissively. Because I wasn’t a threat. I wasn’t a guy. I hated everything about you.”

It was hard to hear, and even though he knew the words were no longer true, they still smacked into Erwin a lot harder than her hand had hit him that first day.

It was Nanaba that bridged the distance between them and laid a hand on his forearm. He never failed to be struck by how delicate her fingers were, so different from Mike’s. “But no matter how much I resented you, I couldn’t fail to see that you made him happy. And you did, Erwin. He loved you deeply.”

Erwin hadn’t expected the conversation to get this intense. If he had, then he doubted he would have brought up the memory of their first meeting at all. Despite what he’d shown Levi, he actually was not the type to talk about feelings all that much, especially when it came to his own. With Levi it was different somehow, easier. Not for the first time in the last twenty four days, he keenly wished that the small man was by his side.

“If you say so,” he said.

It was a stupid thing to say, and as soon as the words passed his lips he regretted them. But by then it was too late.

“What?”

Nanaba was looking at him with the hurt he expected. It only took a second for that hurt to morph into anger.

“What the fuck did you just say?”

“Forget it. I take it back. I don’t even know why I—“

“No. You can’t take it back. What the hell was that?”

Her fingers didn’t seem all that delicate now that they were holding his arm in a death grip.

“It was shit. Stupid shit. I know he loved me. I’m not trying to crap all over his memory.”

“You can bet your fucking life that it was shit. How dare you, Erwin.”

“I know, and I apologize. Can we let it go?”

“No! I know you’re going through a lot right now with the whole Levi thing, but that doesn’t give you a right to say whatever trash you want.”

Erwin could feel a headache coming along. It had been sitting, waiting to spring. The lack of sleep and too much training the last few weeks were responsible and this argument was just the right trigger for it to come to life.

“Naba, please, I—it’s not an excuse but it’s probably because of this dumb dream I had last night. I couldn’t sleep after it happened and I’ve been on edge ever since.”

He put enough pleading into his voice that she couldn’t ignore it. She was his friend first and foremost, her anger wasn’t as important to her as his wellbeing was.

“What dream?”

She snapped the words out, not sounding particularly inviting, but at least she wasn’t yelling. Erwin knew it was the best he was going to get.

“I dreamed about him last night. Mike.”

Nanaba sighed, but tugged on his arm until they were seated on the couch that was still stranded in the middle of the room. They hadn’t gotten around to placing it properly yet. She put on her listening face and waited. Erwin hadn’t really wanted to share the dream. He’d hoped if he kept quiet it would fade away as if it hadn’t existed, but now he realized there was only a tiny chance of that happening. He took a deep breath and began.

“Well, at first there was no Mike. I was dreaming about Levi.”

Despite her recent agitation, Nanaba couldn’t help but groan. “Is this about to get really gay?”

She made a face, and Erwin was seized by how much he cared for this tough little androgynous creature. He touched her cheek. “I love you, you know.” He said.

She rolled her eyes. “Yeah I know. Just get on with the gay.”

It sounded like something Levi would say, and it made him both sad and happy to hear.

“It wasn’t that gay. He was sleeping, and I was just holding him in my arms. His head was pillowed against my chest and I was trying to be as still as possible, trying not to wake him.”

“Wow. A dream about sleeping. You’re such a boring old man.”

Erwin shrugged. “Maybe so, but I was enjoying it. He’s so warm, you know? You don’t expect such a small body to pack so much heat. He’s like a little furnace, and even in my dream I could feel it.”

Nanaba laid her head down on his shoulder and snuggled a little closer. He knew he was already forgiven. She pulled his arm over her shoulder and looked up. “Let me guess. Then big bad Mike came in shouting about how you’re a cheating whore and that you should feel guilty forever.”

Erwin understood why she thought so. He’d had those dreams before. The first night after he’d slept with another man following his fiancé’s death, Mike had been in his dream. He hadn’t shouted. His voice had been soft—softer than it had ever been in life—as he said, “Forgotten me already, have ya?” Erwin had woken up after that dream with tears streaming from his eyes, and it had been another six months before he slept with anyone again.

“No, actually.”

He gave her shoulder a squeeze.

“Mike did come in, but he was very quiet. He knew how quiet I was trying to be. He touched my shoulder without jostling Levi.”

“And then you had a big gay threesome?”

Erwin knew that Nanaba was just trying to lighten the mood, but it wasn’t helping.

“Nice thought, but no.”

“Hmm…I guess it would be a little scary to see Mike screwing Levi.”

A little? The thought was terrifying.

“No,” Erwin growled. “He’d rip him to shreds.”

“Mike was particularly well endowed, wasn’t he? They called him ‘the horse’ back in high school for a reason.”

This wasn’t the first time Erwin had heard the nickname, and he had to admit it was fitting. He’d never told his partner, but Mike had been a bit too large. Of course he’d loved Mike, and they’d had good sex, but any time the man had fucked him without long and arduous prep, Erwin had walked away with a sore ass for many hours afterward. Mike must have known even without being told, though, because when they were in the mood for quick filthy sex somewhere where advanced level prep wasn’t an option, he usually offered to bottom.

_Big dick, but a bigger heart_ , Erwin thought with an indulgent smile. That’s why he’d always hidden his post-sex hurt as much as possible. It wasn’t Mike’s fault that he was born with the dick equivalent of a yard stick, but Erwin knew that if his partner had known about the pain he never would have topped again, and that would have been bad because Mike really did prefer topping, whereas Erwin had always felt comfortable with both positions.

Nanaba nudged him. “I think we’ve gone on a bit of a re-dick-ulous tangent.”

Erwin groaned and shoved at her shoulder. “Please leave.”

“Oh come on, like your jokes are ever any better.”

“Old men are allowed to make crappy jokes. You don’t have an excuse. Get out of my sight.”

“No. Not before I hear the rest of the dream.”

_Oh right…_ The smile slid off of Erwin’s face. _The dream._ He wondered whether he could get away with saying he forgot how it ended.

“Come on, what did Mike tell you?” she prompted.

It was Nanaba asking, and if there was anyone he could share this with, it was her.

“He said…”

_I don’t want to do this._

“He said, ‘Let go, Erwin.”

Nanaba blinked, surprised. “Wait, so he was trying to break you guys up?”

“No.”

His chest was now aching in addition to his head.

“Then he said, ‘It’s too late, love. Just put him down.”

Nanaba didn’t like that. He could see how the words “too late” reverberated with her. She’d had a lot of “too late”’s in her life after Mike died.

“I refused,” Erwin said. “I also thought this was going to be one of the guilt dreams, so I decided to put my foot down. I said, ‘You’re dead, Mike. I loved you, and I will always love you, but you’re dead, and I’m moving on.’”

Nanaba touched his knee. “Good for you, Erwin. I wish…...my heart doesn’t know how to do that yet.”

Erwin laid his hand on top of hers. She flipped her hand over beneath his and linked their fingers together.

“Go on, Erwin.”

Her voice was small. He remembered how quiet she’d been around him at first. Mike had been the only one she used to raise her voice to. That first morning when she’d slapped him had been the first and only real show of emotion she’d given him for a very long time. It was only in moments when he’d walk in and capture her with Mike that he’d be reminded that she had a personality.

_She’s changed so much since then_ …

He twisted the hand that was on her shoulder up and touched her hair. She’d cut it really short again, maybe even shorter than his now. He wondered if she ever imagined they’d get this close. He knew himself that he’d sooner cut off one of his fingers than lose her now.

_I’m changed a lot too, though_.

Even while Mike had been alive the change had been tremendous.

_He changed me_ , Erwin admitted.

Mike had pulled the arrogance and cold from Erwin and melted him until he was someone who could feel romantic love again.

_And Levi is changing me still more_.

But thinking of Levi and Mike put him back in his dream even though he didn’t want to go there.

“Mike just looked at me after that, Naba. You know that face he used to make when he knew you were wrong but didn’t want to say it?”

Nanaba nodded without a word.

“That’s what he was doing, and I wanted to ask why, but I knew I wouldn’t like the answer, so I said nothing and cradled Levi closer, burying my face in his hair. I was so afraid, Naba. I wanted Levi to hold me but his body wasn’t moving. He was sleeping so soundly. ‘You can’t guilt me anymore,’ I told Mike. ‘Let me be with this man. Let me find happiness with him. I’ve been mourning you for longer than I’ve known you at this point. Please let me go.’”

Erwin had started pulling at his hair and he hadn’t noticed.

“I was so stupid, Naba. Mike looked at me and his face was so sad, but not for himself. ‘I’m not holding on, Erwin.’ He said. ‘I gave you your freedom the moment the casket closed over my face. It was you who held on.’”

Nanaba was still squeezing his knee, but both of them had forgotten it was there.

“I called him a liar. I said a bunch of horrible things, things I didn’t mean, and he knew it because he never got angry. He knew it was because I was afraid, and the pity in his eyes confirmed the worst of my fears. ‘You’re killing him,’ Mike said. It was the worst thing he could have said. ‘No,’ I answered, but it was weak. ‘You’re killing him,’ he said again. ‘You have to let go.’

“Erwin…”

Erwin blinked up at the ceiling, angry that his body was trying to cry.

“‘Never,’ I told him. ‘I finally found him again. I’m not letting go. I’m not leaving him. Not this time.’”

“What do you mean by--”

“Because it’s not the first time I’ve met him, Naba. I’m convinced of that. I just don’t understand how I could forget. Why don’t I remember? I know Levi. I _know_ him. My body and mind both recognize him, and I don’t know why and it’s frustrating the ever living _fuck_ out of me.”

“Shh. It’s okay. Calm down.”

“No! Don’t tell me to calm down.”

“I’m listening. You can take your time with the words.”

Erwin finally noticed his hair tugging when he pulled so hard that pain stabbed at him behind the eyes. He let out a harsh exhale.

“It’s just that...it pissed me off. People have to stop telling me to let go. I’m not supposed to let go. I’m supposed to be with him. Always. I know it. I’ve felt it before. They have to stop. They’re wrong.”

“No one is telling you to stop, Erwin.”

“Yes they are. Nile and Erd. Even you said--”

“I told you to be careful. I don’t want you to hurt yourself.”

“To hell with myself!”

Nanaba grabbed Erwin’s wrist and forced him to loosen his fingers. “Stop. You’ll go bald.”

“I don’t care.”

“Levi will. He loves your hair.”

Erwin dropped his hands into his lap, defeated. After a minute, Nanaba nudged him.

“Finish the dream.”

“I don’t want to.”

“You’ll feel better afterward.”

“I won’t.”

“You’re being pig headed.”

“So be it.”

Nanaba smacked him. His shoulder stung. She hadn’t held back.

“Stop pretending I’m some stranger on the street. I love you, now stop being a petulant child and talk to me.”

Erwin pressed his hands to his face.

_What’s wrong with me?_

But he knew what was wrong. Stress fractures had split through him, all over. He was coming apart at the seams. All he wanted were Levi’s arms. That would help. But he didn’t even know where they were.

“Mike kept pushing and it made me angrier until I was furious. “Just look, Erwin,’ he said. And I answered,‘Shut up, you’ll wake Levi up. He’s so tired. Just go away.’ But he wouldn’t. He kept trying to twist me around to look at him, more and more insistent until finally I smacked his hand away and roared, ‘Leave me the fuck alone.’”

Erwin’s breath was nearly as fast and heavy as it had been in the dream.

“He didn’t touch me again, even though I refused to look at him. But he only stayed quiet until I’d caught my breath again, and then he said, ‘Why hasn’t he woken up yet?’”

That had been the moment in the dream when Erwin’s blood had run cold.

“‘He’s a light sleeper,’ Mike said. ‘So why hasn’t all of this motion and shouting woken him up?’”

Nanaba reached for him, but Erwin folded his arms over his stomach.

“I turned around then. I couldn’t help it. Because he was cold, Naba. I was holding Levi as tight as I could, but he was so cold…”

Nanaba’s hand jumped to her mouth. She sensed what was coming.

“It was in his hand, Naba.”

He couldn’t seem to stop saying her name. He had no strength.

“Right there. Mike was holding it and it was so small. I’ve never actually seen a heart outside of a chest cavity before. And Mike’s hands are so large.”

“No, Erwin, god, that’s just…”

“I wanted it to be mine. I knew it wasn’t, but still, even though I could feel my own pounding and desperate...I looked down at my chest. It was whole. There was nothing wrong. It wasn’t my heart. And it wasn’t Mike’s. Naba it wasn’t...I couldn’t…”

“Erwin I--I’m so sorry. I’m so--”

“It was still beating. Just a little. But it was so weak. I knew it was too weak. There was nothing I could do. That’s what my logic told me. But I couldn’t use my logic. I Refused to believe it. I _would_ save him. But when I turned Levi over--The hole was so big...I could see everything inside. Splintered rips, torn viscera, lungs that were no longer moving. The edges of the wound were ragged, making it look like someone had just ripped through and yanked it out. It wasn’t a surgery, it was a butchering.”

_Make it stop. Speaking it aloud it worse. Make it stop._

But he couldn’t. His words didn’t seem to belong to him anymore.

“I tried to scream, but my voice had been robbed. No one moved. ‘Who did this?” I finally demanded. ‘Who?’ But I knew. ‘You did,’ Mike said. I’ve never seen him look at me like that--Like I was a tragedy. ‘You killed him.’”

Everything hurt. Erwin pressed his hand against his feverish chest and hated the steady pounding that he found.

“I grabbed for the heart, but Mike pulled away. ‘It won’t help,’ he said. ‘Just let it stop. It’s better this way.’ But he was wrong. He had to be. I had to put Levi down to get it. I felt something rip away as I did, maybe the last of my humanity. But I did it, and then I tackled Mike to the ground and twisted his arm back. He didn’t try to resist, not even when his shoulder popped out of its socket. ‘You’ll hurt yourself,’ he told me as I grabbed the heart and cradled it to my chest. ‘You’ll make it worse.’ But I didn’t care. I hoped it would hurt. I deserved to hurt. I raced to my Levi and pushed the heart back into his chest. I knew that was a child’s solution. There was nothing I could do to connect it back to all the severed arteries. An unconnected heart was a useless pump, but I did it anyway. ‘Please,’ I begged Mike. ‘Fix it. Fix my heart.’ But Mike only looked at me. And at that moment I hated him. I hated everything. But I hated myself most.”

Nanaba’s face was horror. Her hands were there, available, but Erwin knew that if they touched him he would burn, so he shied away. He needed her eyes, though. So he looked into them and tried to see if he could be less of a monster.

“I remember Mike’s face then. It was Kindness. His arm was dangling out of its socket, and he somehow seemed small even though he was the largest man I knew. And then he said. “Only he can fix it, Erwin. You know that. But he has to want to.”

Erwin felt a chill rush up through his chest just as it had happened in the dream.

“So I turned to Levi. I had to. Because I believed Mike. He doesn’t lie. I’ve always known that. And Levi was so still. It wasn’t a peaceful quiet. It was too final for that. Have you ever held a body without breath, Naba?”

“Mike’s,” she answered. Her voice was more dead than alive. “I lifted him from the casket. You’d already left. You only stayed for five minutes--”

“I couldn’t stay longer. You know that.”

“You needed to.”

“I couldn’t. I blamed myself and I couldn’t.”

“I needed you at that funeral!”

Her voice was angry now. More alive.

“I never ask things of you. When was the last time I asked anything of you? But that day I said please. I said--”

“Be there,” Erwin said. He couldn’t forget it. He thought of those words every time he tried to convince himself that he was a decent man. The words haunted him, accusing. He’d known how much she’d meant them. That was the problem. He’d seen the desperation in her eyes, but he hadn’t stayed. He’d never seen Mike lowered into the ground and buried. It was only about a year later that he realized the mistake in that. Seeing the burial would have been closure of some sort. Maybe that’s why it had taken years--brutal years full of sweat and nightmares and alcohol--to get the memories of his almost-husband to stop hurting so much.

It was strange how this was coming up now. They’d never discussed it, and Erwin had thought they might never get to it. The subject was taboo. They didn’t bring up Mike guilt. Ever. But that had changed, and Erwin knew why: Levi. It wasn’t just when Erwin was with the small man that he felt his refreshing presence. Every part of his life seemed to have been affected by it. Levi’s bluntness made things plainer. Less complicated. And now it was allowing for this conversation.

“I’m sorry, Naba.”

And he was. He always had been. But he’d never said it.

Nanaba smacked the couch. Erwin understood. She wanted to be angry at him, but his apology was in the way. He took her hand and tried to will her to look at him.

“I’m sorry,” he said again. He hoped she knew he meant it. “I chose myself over your pain that day. It was wrong. You deserved better. And I can’t take it back or do it over, but I’m sorry.”

“I had to do all the arrangements myself.”

“Erd offered--”

“Erd, nothing. You knew very well that one of us had to do it. That was the only way.”

Erwin knew she was waiting for him to say the words, and though it would sound awful, there was no real choice but to get it over with.

“And I made sure it was you.”

“No. You made sure everything wasn’t _you._ You made yourself absent. I don’t care about the rest, but I needed you. Where were you?”

“Hating myself.”

Nanaba shoved him. It didn’t hurt. She hadn’t done it hard. But it was a frustrated gesture. She blew out a sigh and leaned her head against his shoulder. It was quiet. Erwin wrapped his arm around her, glad she was there even if she was angry at him.

“I shouldn’t hold onto this,” she said. “I should let it go--everything. It needs to go.”

“You don’t have to force it,” Erwin said.

“Well nothing else has worked.”

She shrugged, and that meant she was dropping the subject. That happened a lot. It was quiet again. Erwin liked how quiet no longer unsettled him.

“He’s changed you.”

Once again it was Nanaba who spoke first.

Erwin knew that “he” was Levi.

“He has.”

“How come he’s different?”

Erwin laid his head on top of hers. Her hair was styled with gel so the strands were crunchy.

Nanaba was referring to the fact that Erwin’s heart was usually a stone fortress that trusted no one without long standing shows of devotion.

“I don’t know,” he said.

But Nanaba was too smart to fall for that.

“Tell me.”

She took the hand still in in lap and began to trace the lines on his palm.

“Because he’s not new,” Erwin said. “I know him. I know I know him. I’m not giving my heart to a stranger.”

She flipped his hand over and began to trace the other side as well.

“I’m worried about how much you’re hurting.”

“And I worry about his hurt.”

“You did the right thing.”

“So then why do I feel like a truck backed over my head?”

_Because you love him._

She didn’t say the words. She didn’t have to. Her fingers stopped tracing. She lifted his hand and squeezed. That meant business.

“I hate seeing you like this,” Nanaba said. Her voice was softer now.

“I know I’ve been a nightmare the past few weeks.”

“Nah, you’ve been pretty good under the circumstances…”

Erwin knew she was lying for his sake. He appreciated the effort.

“Nile is worried, though.”

“I know.”

“Really worried, Erwin.”

“ _I know_.”

“Why don’t you call him?”

“He’s just going to insist on coming over, and then once he sees me he’ll get even more--”

“Not Nile. _Levi_.”

“I can’t. I told myself I’d give him 29 days. It’s only been 24.”

“Stop micromanaging your life. It’s okay to give in a few days early. You’ve moved. Some of your stuff is a little...unorganized...”

Erwin’s eyes swept over the boxes that littered the room.

_Ya think?_

“But the place is still livable. Call him. He’ll take you back. He said he would. And then you can hug and fuck and be all happy and lovey-dovey until the end of time.”

Erwin was pretty sure he hadn’t been the only one influenced by Levi. Nanaba’s speech patterns had grown a little coarser.

“But his independence--”

“Is no doubt nice and fleshed out by now. Call him.”

“I want to…”

“So do it. He wants you to.”

“How do you know that?”

“Because otherwise he never would have offered you thirty days.”

Erwin wanted that to be the reason. He’d almost convinced himself so many times, but always there was that niggling doubt.

“But what if--”

“It was in his eyes,” Nanaba said. “His body turned away from you, but his eyes were trying to take you with him. Out of everyone in that room his eyes chose you, and they wanted like I still... _still_...want him.”

Erwin didn’t have to ask who “him” was.

“Except it’s not the same…”

Her voice was quiet again. Almost like it used to be like back at the beginning of everything.

“It’s not because his desire is warmer, more urgent. It’s not dead. It’s still possible.”

She nudged his knee and stood up. Erwin’s inhale was sharper.

“Where are you going?”

The words came out sharper as well.

“Home.”

Erwin stood up as well. He didn’t like how empty the couch felt with only him on it.

“I thought we could have dinner together. Order in from that Thai place you love.”

“Can’t.”

_But I need you_ , he wanted to say. But he couldn’t parrot the words she’d said to him back then. Not when they were still echoing in both their minds. Instead he asked a question.

“Why?”

“I’ve got a date.”

Maybe it was because today was all about him, but the words shocked him more than they should have.

“ _What_.”

It didn’t even come out as a question--more like an expletive.

“A date. Ya know. One of those lame awkward things that normal people do.”

“This is…”

He didn’t know which statement to go with. She hadn’t told him about this. He would have remembered if she had. She hadn’t gone on a date since Mike’s death. And that was an awfully long time to just change without any sort of grand announcement.

“Unexpected?” she finished for him. The word didn’t do his thoughts justice. “I know. But i have to do it sometime, right?”

He should have agreed, and followed that with some words of encouragement, but his brain was static and by the time he found his tongue she was already leaving.

“Don’t look at me like that, Erwin. I still remember how to have one... I think. I’ll be fine. Besides. You have stuff you need to do. Like masturbate to the thought of Levi again or something.”

Erwin didn’t blush often, but he pinkened a little.

“I already said I was sorry about that.”

“I am _traumatized._ ”

“I thought you were sleeping!”

“Well I wasn’t.”

Erwin groaned. It was a heavy sound. “I know that _now._ ”

He was embarrassed, but he’d been mortified then. Thankfully the feeling was dying down. A week ago he’d woken up in the middle of the night flustered, feverish, and with a raging boner with no recollection of his dream except that it had had something to do with Levi. He hadn’t had much of a choice but to take care of the problem, because he knew he wouldn’t be getting back to sleep otherwise, so there he was taking care of business, and in his still almost-sleeping haze he’d forgotten to be silent. He’d also forgotten that Nanaba was in the next room--a very light sleeper by nature. Let’s just say he wasn’t particularly aware of anything except the sharp and necessary bite of pleasure in his abdomen as he spilled over his hand gasping Levi’s name in a tone that could never be compared to a whisper. When he’d finished, he’d fallen back onto the sheets, his heart thumping and body finally awake just in time to hear Nanaba’s pissed off groan of “You asshole.”

It had been awkward after that, but not awkward enough. They knew each other too well for that. When he’d sat down at the kitchen the next morning Nanaba had plunked a cup of coffee in front of him and said, “You need to get that short homo back.” He’d just given her a grunt in answer and she’d taken that as agreement. That had been the first push, but there had been others. This time, however, was the most insistent.

Nanaba touched his arm. It was meant to be comforting, so he didn’t know why he felt even emptier afterward, Maybe because he just wanted her to stay. She smiled and there was an apology in it.

“Next time, all right? You know how hard it is for me to turn down Thai food.”

“Yeah, sure.”

He was feeling a little lost.

“Have a great time,” he added, going through the motions of being a good friend. “Promise to tell me all about it.”

“Promise to call that guy you’re obsessed with.”

“Levi,” Erwin said, and he didn’t know why. He just had to get the name into the room.

“That’s the one,” Nanaba said.

He wanted to reach out and hold her. He wanted to keep her in place. But she was right. he had things to do and he had to learn to do some of them himself. So it was Erwin himself who gave her a light nudge toward the door.

“Call me if he tries to pull anything weird,” he said.

“Oh because _you’re_ the one i want when there’s already too much weirdness around, right?”

Her sarcasm was the good kind of tease, and it warmed Erwin’s stomach a little. He was struck by the urge to tell her that he loved her, but she was already nearly by the door. Her footfalls had always been so silent.

She blew him a kiss. She didn’t do that often. Her hand hesitated on the door. He could see the doubt in her eyes. She wanted to stay for him, but she also didn’t want to baby him. He wished he looked a little longer but he couldn’t completely erase the helplessness in his eyes.

“He loves you, okay?” She said. Her voice found him even though it was soft. “Just remember that through everything.”

Love was funny because it was such small word that had the power to drive everything.

“Still?” Erwin said, because he couldn’t help the weakness that came with his doubt.

“A body can’t forget so quickly,” she said. And then she was gone.

Erwin heard the door click shut and wondered who exactly she’d been talking about right at the end. He looked down at his hands, and then at the boxes that surrounded him. There wasn’t going to be any more unpacking for the remainder of the day.

Erwin turned slowly in a circle. He felt off kilter, but something was under his skin telling him to move forward even though the air around him felt heavier, more like liquid. He touched his chest and remembered he’d removed his shirt. But that felt natural. His chest was starting to feel tight and shirts were the last thing he needed. But it wasn’t enough. The air was too close weighing down his lungs. He needed more space, and for that he needed a shirt. Erwin sighed. Life was fraught with contradictions.

When he moved he felt like he was in a dream state. And yet his dream last night had felt a lot realer than any of this. His feet found his bedroom and he moved to his drawers. He pulled out a cotton t-shirt--well, more of an undershirt, really, but he was going to pretend it was a shirt so that it would be okay to go outside in it. It was freezing outside. He knew that. But he was so hot, his body still coated with sweat. He couldn’t bear the idea of clothing.

_Need to run_ , he thought. The idea was becoming instinctual--his go to plan for whenever the anxiety began to coat him like slick oil. The burning in his lungs and the piston like regular movements of his joints was a welcome distraction when so much else felt wrong. He grabbed a sweatshirt, put it down, and then picked it back up again. He’d promised Nile that he would take care of himself and that meant not going out when it was near-zero outside in nothing but an undershirt.

_I’ll put it on if I get cold,_ he compromised, knowing he wouldn’t. Well, at least taking the sweater would assuage his guilt. He passed through more doors. The air was already starting to weigh less. He could almost feel the wind that would be a welcome assault. Running had always been something his father could never do--too many cigarettes. But Erwin wasn’t his father. And he was starting to be proud of that fact. He was his own person. A person Levi had fallen in love with, and that meant he couldn’t be all that bad.

_Levi…_

His heart thudded with the name, and the usual jolt of longing swept through him. The more preparations he made for the man’s return, the worse the feeling got. He wanted, and it was stronger than he was.

_I miss you._

He didn’t dare say the words out loud. The last time he’d tried that he’d ended up gripping the sink, wetness threatening his eyes, as the shaver he’d been using was forgotten. Crying always gave him a headache, and left him with an awful helplessness, so he preferred to do it as infrequently as possible. But it had been difficult to stop himself the last 24 days and he’d failed several times.

_I just want to see him._

He was outside now and wished the wind’s bite was harder. His body pushed itself into the regular rhythm of running without conscious effort. He settled on a fast, almost brutal pace.

_Just need to see that the pain I caused is gone. If I could see that…_

But he knew he couldn’t _just_ see that, because if he saw Levi again then there was no doubt in his mind that he would keep the man with him forever. He wasn’t strong enough to let Levi go again. Not if the man met him of his own accord. Not if he wanted to be there.

Erwin knew he wasn’t breathing right. His lungs were supposed to match his legs, but he couldn’t settle into a normal pattern and it was making him a little dizzy.

He didn’t know what to do. He was making all these preparations but he just didn’t know. Every part of him was calling out for Levi. The man was his dream. Something deep inside of him knew it--remembered it. But Erwin had also learned about himself, and he didn’t like everything that was there. He could be a bad man. His greatest talents were manipulation, and cold logic. Not the ideal traits one usually looks for in a lover. He could fool himself into thinking himself a hapless romantic, since that was what Levi made him feel like, but he knew he’d never be able to hide his true self. He couldn’t seem to hide anything from Levi, and he didn’t want to, except…

_Except if I hurt him like the others I’ll learn a new level of hate for myself._

He had proof of his manipulation in every person he loved. He had a catalogue of the faces in his mind: Nile, Nanaba, Erd, and Mike. Mike was the most prominent in his mind because Mike had been his lover, the man he’d nearly spent his life with, and the man who Levi would replace.

Erwin always tried to stop himself from manipulating those he loved, but he’d catch himself doing it in unconscious ways. It had been Nile who had originally pointed it out to him all the way back in high school. Before then Erwin had just thought himself the convincing sort. He’d never thought there were darker aims at work.

“ _Do you always do that?”_ Nile had asked. They had been sitting on the bleachers on the school grounds one cold afternoon. “ _Do what?”_ He’d answered. He’d been trying to convince Nile to skip the debate team finals to go camping with him. He’d slept with a park ranger and gotten them free passes to the camp grounds and facilities. “ _Manipulate people into doing what you want,”_ Nile had said. He hadn’t been angry or scared. That’s what Erwin had always loved about the other. Nile’s nonjudgmental fascination with other people was what made him such a good psychiatrist. “ _I’m doing this for your sake,”_ Erwin had said. Because the debates were always boring and pointless and Nile always complained about it afterwards even though Erwin had told him to quit the team too many times. “ _Doesn’t matter,”_ Nile had said. “ _Even if it is, you’re still doing something wrong. If you want something from me then be up front about it. You’ll ruin relationships if you keep this up. You do it a lot, and I know why, and I can see it, most of the time, but not everyone will. And no one will like it._

He’d been right, of course he had been. Erwin had been angry that day. Furious, in fact, even though he’d hidden it. But he hadn’t been able to hide from the truth in the words. And so, after nearly two days of ignoring Nile, he’d gone back to the boy and the first words out of his mouth had been, “ _How do I change it?”_ Nile had smiled and moved over to make more room at the lunch table, but his answer hadn’t been fun. “ _Very slowly, and with so much hard work that the results may not seem worth it._ ”

_But they will be_ , Erwin thought. He was a lot older now, and a good amount wiser, but he still struggled with his old problems. _For Levi they will be._

But that wasn’t good enough. He’d known Levi would be worth it for a long time now. The problem was whether his behavior would be worth Levi. And he’d made him sick a few times trying to figure that out.

He wanted to give in. He wanted to just say “fuck it, I’ll make it work.” But that wasn’t good enough.

_Because I’m not willing to risk his wellbeing._

Erwin stopped moving. He didn’t know where he was. His heart hurt. It was too heavy for the running to be responsible. His breath was jumping too much.

_I need to be sure. I need to know that I’ll only be a positive addition to his life. I need to know that he’ll never know suffering by my hands._

The first thing Erwin had thought when he’d stepped into Levi’s room at the Center for the first time was “This man has suffered.” And the longer he’d known him, the more he’d found out just exactly just how bad that suffering had been. The man had been abused by his family, by strangers, and by his own mind. And his predicament that first day had been so bad that Erwin knew Levi had only held on by the sheer power of stubbornness.

_I can’t add to that. If I have his heart than my hurt will be so much worse._

Erwin wasn’t an idiot. He knew not to downplay the effect he would have. Because even though Levi had people in his life that he loved, he had never made himself vulnerable to a lover before. Levi was tougher than steel nails, reinforced concrete, and every other near indestructible thing that he could think of, but that didn’t change the fact that Erwin wanted to treat the man with the highest level of consideration and gentleness that he was capable of.

_He’s still surprised by kindness._

That was what killed Erwin the most. Levi was still expecting the world to hurt him. And that meant that if Erwin did something wrong Levi might not say anything, because to him that’s just how the world worked.

_You will be the only one there to keep you in check._

But that wasn’t quite true. Levi didn’t have Nile’s ability to keep calm as he pointed out each of Erwin’s mistakes, but he didn’t stay silent either. Erwin’s mind found a memory of the airport and the words Levi had shouted up at him. “ _You toyed with my emotions--manipulated me--and gave me this raging hard boner all for the sake of distraction?”_

Erwin almost smiled.

_You have to start giving him more credit. He’s got good instincts, even if he’s decided to trust you too much._

Levi wasn’t paralyzed by the germs anymore. If he could handle those, he could handle Erwin. Probably.

Erwin pushed his hair back and found more sweat. But that wasn’t the problem. His throat was dry. Not the “I just ran 5 miles flat without a sip of water” dry. But “I have a problem with alcohol” dry.

Erwin set his teeth in a tight line. He wondered if Levi felt this--the thirst he still felt even after this long. He looked down at his hands. They were shaking.

_Damn it._

He pressed them against his legs but that didn’t help. Of course it didn’t. Once they started shaking the only thing that stopped them was alcohol.

_Why is this still happening?_

The answer didn’t matter. That wouldn’t stop the shaking.

Erwin tucked his hands under his armpits and looked around him. He was surrounded by people, and he didn’t know why. He never ran through the city.

_Stupid_ , he thought.

People thought he was brilliant, but Erwin knew the truth. His wit never stopped him from being an idiot.

It was cold. Frigid. And Erwin realized that somewhere along the way he’d dropped his sweater. A stiff wind chose that moment to howl through the air, finding every opening in Erwin and freezing him from the inside out. Erwin only felt cold when he felt panic, and right now he was freezing.

He needed a drink. And the urge was growing stronger by the second. Erwin was afraid. He knew this feeling. And if it got much worse he was going to fail.

_I can’t._

Erwin’s hands found his hair and then his face. He forced himself to suck in air but it didn’t seem to be doing much. The ache was deeper than his throat now. His whole chest was thick and coated with the thirst.

_I need to get help._

That was what he was supposed to do. When the urge felt stronger than he did he was supposed to get help right away. But there was only one person he wanted to call and he couldn’t do that. Not until he’d made the decision.

“Levi…”

The word was parched. Dry sand in a freezing desert. Erwin shook his head. He needed to get it clear.

_You’ve been clean for almost three years. You can do this._

He forced himself to start walking, though he didn’t know where he was going.

_How can it be this strong after three years?_

Someone touched his elbow. They might have said something. Asked if he was okay. But Erwin flinched away from the touch and kept moving.

_I was doing well. I was at the Center only yesterday. I’m doing all my shifts. I’m a counselor for this shit. I’m not a patient anymore. I’m not._

He didn’t know why he had to try so hard when he wasn’t even convincing himself.

_I should quit. I’m not fit to be their role model. I’m not in control. I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m thirty seven years old and I don’t know how to be a good person and I can’t concentrate because the only thing I want more than this stupid drink is a man I can’t remember from a time that never happened but it did of course it did because why did I recognize his eyes that first day why did my heart stop when I first saw him. Where did his control over me come from? Why is it that even though I’m always been the manipulator I feel so helpless to this feeling. Why does he make me feel like I can be a good person when no one else has succeeded? Why isn’t he here with me? Why can’t I hold him? Why did I let him go? Why is everything spinning? It hurts. I can’t breathe. The thirst is going to split me open and I need Levi. I want him. I want his hands and his heart and his trust. But the dream. That fucking dream. Does it mean that I killed him? Was I really the one who ripped his heart from his chest? Do I really have that power? What should I do? I can’t keep living like this. It’s not going to get better. I belong by his side. I’ve been drifting so long but I found a place and it’s with him so why can’t I go. Why aren’t I there? Where is my Levi? What if he’s hurt? What if I’m already too late? What if there’s another alley with five strange men. What if they hurt him? Stabbed him 13 times like they did to Mike. No one ever caught them. They’re still out there. They could hurt him. Maybe they were the ones who ripped his heart out. Who killed him? Who killed my Levi? Who would dare?_

Erwin slammed his hands down on the counter. The feeling shot through his palms and jolted up his arms. He flinched and his eyes snapped open and they saw, taking in his surroundings for the first time since he’d begun to panic. And then the fear ramped itself up to new levels because even though he didn’t know this place, had never been inside, he knew the place for what it was: danger. Because a bar is always danger to an alcoholic and this one was no exception.

Erwin took in the scratched counter with the stained wood. The old stools and creaky floorboards. The long shelves of open liquor and the small puddle of beer near his elbow.

“What can I get you?”

The bartender was already filling a glass for another patron, her motions practiced and calm. Everything Erwin wasn’t.

Erwin’s thirst latched into his brain and everything was on fire.

“No. I’m not—people like me—I’m not supposed to be here. I don’t know how I got here.”

But he did know. His feet had carried him here because he was a man with a problem and an addict will always go back to addiction when not watched.

The bartender was looking a little closer now. She wore glasses. Black plastic frames that she adjusted subconsciously to see him better.

“Are you lost?”

“No.”

_You need help. Get help._

“I need a drink.”

_Stop. Everything needs to stop._

“What would you like?”

She had red hair tied back in a ponytail. She was still leaning forward.

“Whiskey, neat. Make it a double.”

“That’s not very specific. We’ve got Jameson, Black Velvet, Turkey hill—“

_Turn back. He’ll hate you if you do this. They all will. You can’t do this to everyone again._

“The brand doesn’t matter.”

The bartender’s hands went to work. They were small hands. They didn’t look like they could destroy his life.

_Control the thirst. You don’t want this. You don’t. Where’s your reason? What happened to that intellect everyone can’t shut the fuck up about?_

Erwin would always recognize the scent in the air. He would already feel the alcohol he inhaled setting off the receptors in his brain. Erwin watched the bartender slide a glass toward him, and amber liquid stared back.

_Get away. Run. Move your legs._

But the only thing moving was his shaky hands as he reached for the glass.

_I need it to get the shaking to stop. Then I can go home and get help._

But that was wrong. Erwin had long ago realized that any time he connected the words “I need” to drinking was a lie. He didn’t need the alcohol. He needed bad feelings to go away. Panic. And he wanted to cover those with alcohol.

His hand lifted the glass to his lips.

_If you drink that you will never see Levi again._

He stopped.

His eyes shot open as he pulled the thought back. He had to look at it.

_I can see Levi. I have thirty days. I could call him right now. Drinking this can’t stop me._

But Erwin knew that voice. It was a voice he wanted to tuck away forever. It was the seat of all his unreasonableness. And he knew never to trust anything it said. He tried to call his logic back.

_If I drink this then I cannot, in good conscience, put myself by Levi’s side. He needs good in his life. He needs healing. Deserves it. He doesn’t need someone else pulling him down.. I refuse to be yet another roadblock._

“Take this away from me.”

His lips formed the words. He was looking at the bartender but he was addressing the words to anyone who would be kind enough to help him.

“What was that?”

The bartender was looking at him again. He wished he knew her name.

“I can’t have this.”

“Is there something wrong with your drink?”

It was in his head, he knew it was, but Erwin couldn’t help feel his skin crawl as he looked at the whiskey that felt like it was trying to crawl out of the glass.

“Please take it. Please.”

“I don’t understand what you’re saying.”

Erwin could feel his breath quickening again. His hand shaking was getting worse. Some of the liquid sloshed onto his hand and he released the glass, his instinct to get away before he could be burned. The glass smashed and whiskey splashed up his legs. Erwin stumbled back.

“I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be a patient. I want to know how I know Levi. I want to talk to him. If I could just hear his voice…”

A hand closed over his shoulder.

“Hey are you—“

Erwin whipped around. His hip hit the counter and two more glasses tumbled to the floor and smashed.

“Please—I don’t—I need space.”

Things were spinning again. His panic at how close he’d come to drinking was mixing with his panic over what to do with Levi. And his guilt over Nanaba and Mike and his dream came forward to slam at his brain.

He lifted his hands, but there was nothing to steady him.

“I don’t know what to do. I can’t think. I need help. I’m supposed to get help when this happens.”

People were shouting and someone else tried to touch him. Erwin was afraid to move. His body was suddenly clumsy and that never happened. He had to get out of here and now he wanted to be outside but he was so cold and outside was so cold. The air was thick.

“I need to unpack. I need to be ready for Levi. I have to fix things. I have to fix the heart I ripped out.”

Erwin tripped. He didn’t know over what, but he fell and his hands grabbed nothing. He hit the floor and his head throbbed and he really needed just one decent lungful of air.

Another hand touched him and it wasn’t Levi and he didn’t want it and it smelled like alcohol. He smelled like it. His clothes were saturated.

_Can’t drink. I killed Mike but I can’t drink. Levi would be sad. I could die from the thirst, but Hanji would bury me while Nile said the eulogy and Levi would be sad._

“Who do you want me to call?”

The voice was wrong, but the face could maybe match. Erwin reached forward and found a small body with short dark hair.

“Levi?” he asked.

He wanted it to be true too much to let doubt in.

“You want me to call a person named Levi?”

The problem was that the voice was completely wrong. Too high. Too smooth.

“You’re not Levi.”

The disappointment slammed into him and left a wet hole in his gut.

“No,” the voice said. It was apologetic “I’m not. My name is Adina. But I can help you find Levi. Do you have a phone?”

Erwin touched the person’s hair. It was softer than Levi’s, and there was no spiky undercut hairs. Those had always been his favorite. The person—a woman—didn’t flinch.

“You look like him. Similar features. Are you an Ackerman?” Erwin asked. He was feeling drunk even though he’d had no alcohol. He just wished everything would settle down so he could breathe.

“A phone, sir. Do you have one? Or if you know Levi’s number by heart I can call him for you.”

Of course he knew Levi’s number by heart. He’d tried not to memorize it, and that had ensured that he’d known it within five minutes of getting it.

“I can’t call him. I won’t be able to leave him again.”

He could see Adina’s brow furrow but she wasn’t giving up.

“Is that a bad thing?”

“I love him.”

“So it’s not bad?”

“And I know him from somewhere but I can’t remember. It’s bothering me. I also have a tattoo from somewhere that I can’t remember. Do you think they’re related?”

The thought hadn’t occurred to him before, but his brain snatched the idea up and immediately rolled it forward for inspection.

“Exactly how much did you drink?”

Adina’s voice didn’t sound judgmental, but Erwin still ignored it.

“In biology there’s a concept called parsimony,” he said. “When constructing phylogenetic trees—those are visual maps that detail evolutionary relationships between species—a smart scientist usually assumes that the least number of evolutionary steps is responsible when connecting differing species. Assuming that the tattoo and my first meeting with Levi are connected seems logical because there aren’t very high odds that there are numerous situations I feel this strongly about that I can’t remember. And if that’s the case, then I need to ask Levi what he thought when he saw it…”

“Saw what?”

“The tattoo! Of course, the tattoo. It started everything. Kind of like un-stoppering a bottle. That symbol means something to both Levi and I. I saw it in his eyes when I showed it to him. We’re linked. Don’t tell me we aren’t.”

“I wasn’t going to.”

Adina was finally starting to look alarmed. But Erwin was on a roll.

“We used to be together and then something must have happened. I don’t know what. Maybe I screwed up and I’m supposed to fix it now. Maybe that’s what the dream last night was trying to tell me. I have to fix a mistake. But I don’t know what that mistake was so how am I supposed to go about fixing it?”

He knew he sounded like a crazy man, but he felt like if he stopped the flow of words he would lose track of the thought unraveling in his head. It felt like it was written on paper as thin as butterfly wings—so easily destroyed.

He gripped her arm. “I have a phone. I need to speak to Levi. We can figure it out together. I know we can. He helps me, you see. He makes everything seem clearer, simpler. He’s very good for me. That’s why I’ve felt so off kilter the last 24 days. He balances things out. He helps me be real. I think that maybe with him I don’t have to keep falling into manipulation. Maybe he can make a straight man out of me. I mean—no that’s—“

He laughed, and he was surprised that the sound only splintered a little. “Not a straight man. I’m so damn gay for him it hurts. I mean an honest man. A straight forward man who says what he thinks and means what he says. He could do that.”

Erwin wanted to bless the woman in front of him, because despite the crazy things he was spewing she still hadn’t run away. He let go of her and stood up. His head wasn’t clear, but it was more focused. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone. It wasn’t the smartest move. There on his lock screen was the picture that had been his wallpaper ever since he’d first separated from Levi on their 5 week hiatus. Hanji had sent him the picture. She’d known about his feelings for Levi right off the bat. Maybe it was because she too loved Levi and could recognize it in someone else. Or maybe because he hadn’t ever managed to hide it well.

He touched the screen. Levi was in his arms, fast asleep. It had been the first night he’d met him. The man had slept so soundly that Erwin had been a little scared. It was coma-like. And nothing had woken him. Not when Erwin shifted, or when other nurses came into the room, or when Hanji came in and kissed his forehead and cheeks. Levi had slept like the dead, and Erwin just stared at his face all night wondering how someone so new could resound with him so much.

He looked at the picture and shivered. Despite Levi’s deep sleep that night he hadn’t been totally silent. There had been a patch during the deepest part of the night where he’d grabbed hold of Erwin’s arm and muttered, “Don’t leave me again.”

Erwin had felt something awaken in him then. Something old and powerful. He’d pulled Levi tighter and pressed his lips to the man’s hair as he whispered, “I won’t.” But as soon as he felt Levi coming out of the deeper levels of sleep he’d excused himself and swapped places with Hanji. He hadn’t been able to explain his sudden need to leave back then, but now he thought that maybe he’d been afraid that it wouldn’t be real. That Levi would wake up and he’d become an ordinary stranger and not whoever it was that Erwin felt so strongly connected to.

“So are you going to call him?”

Adina’s voice wasn’t enough to tear Erwin’s eyes away from his phone screen. He touched his finger to Levi’s pixelated face before swiping across the screen to unlock his phone.

“No,” he said, and pulled up his contact list.

The number he was searching for hadn’t changed in almost 10 years.

“But aren’t you super in gay love for him?”

Honestly the fact that she still managed to keep up the effort to sound confused at this point pointed to a strong and dedicated personality.

“Of course. And that’s why I’m going to need a professional opinion before I do anything rash.”

He hit the name on the screen and held the phone up to his ear. He was still feeling woozy and his hand gripped the counter tightly as the line began to ring. His hand stung, and he realized that he’d been sliced by a shard of glass. But that was the least of his worries. On the other end of the line the connection was made.

“I heard from Naba that you were canceling on me, asshole. Is an old friend’s help no longer good enough?”

Erwin’s body sagged against the counter as relief weighed everything down. He wasn’t alone. Even without Mike or Levi he was never alone. His face was smiling, but his inhale was dangerously close to collapsing.

“Hey ya grumpy ol’ codger, get ready to yell at me.”

Nile growled. It was impressive that after twenty years of friendship the man still managed to rile up the same amount of endless frustration.

“What kind of shit did you fall into this time?”

Erwin forced air out of his nose. It was time to pull together the collected calm that everyone knew him by.

“Well,” he said, and dragged his eyes across the room. There was a lot of broken glass and stares. No one looked particularly happy with the scene he’d pulled. “I happen to be in a bar on...” He found Adina, who was finally letting go of her confusion, and mouthed “Where are we?”

“Eighth and 45th.” she said.

“Eighth and 45th,” Erwin parroted.

The groan Nile let out then was impressive, even for him. “Fuckhead,” he said, and then the line went dead.

Erwin lowered his phone and was met with Adina’s raised eyebrows. “Well what did he say?” she asked.

“He said he’ll be here in ten minutes,” Erwin answered, knowing Nile would make it in five.

\---

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *blows out my breath*  
> here it is guys. the chapter i've kept you waiting a month for. And it turns out i'm not done with Erwin's POV. the chapter was getting hella long so i decided i'll extend Erwin's time a little bit longer so he's getting the next chapter as well.  
> What do you guys think? there's a lot of internal angsting here, but you probably expected that.  
> I was glad to have time to show Erwin interacting with Nanaba and Nile as well as talking about how Mike fits in with everything. I still can't believe I have a dead Mike in this fic. It's still too heart wrenching to forgive. I love that big ol' gay sniffer.  
> Also guys i love nile. He's perfect. i want a thousand of him. How he puts up with all of Erwin's shit I'll never know. They bring out the best (worst) in each other and I love it.  
> For all of you who's hearts go out to Erwin--i'm sorry for almost making him break his sobriety. And for those of you who don't care, well, this is ERWIN SMITH we're talking about. You've gotta care at least a little.  
> Anyway I don't plan on making a hiatus like that again. I hope to have this fic finished well before I head off to japan in May. We'll see how fast I can work.  
> Thank you all of you for being the best readers ever. I've gotten so much love from you guys.


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time for some flashbacks and dreams.

Chapter 25:

It was actually closer to twenty minutes before Nile walked through the door, and by that time Erwin had gained the sympathies of almost everybody in the bar. His head was pillowed against the impressive bosom of an old regular when he piped up, “Hey, what’s up Dok?”

This was actually Erwin’s favorite joke of all time, and he’d pushed Nile to follow his dream to finish medical school just so he could repeat the endless hilarity of his masterful pun. Naturally, Nile threatened Erwin with bodily harm every time the joke was repeated.

“Shut the fuck up, Smith, or you’ll be a kidney short by the time I get through with you,” Nile said, right on cue. But his heart wasn’t in it. His face was too creased with worry to put any real threat into the words. His shoes crunched over broken glass as he crossed the room and wrenched Erwin away from the women who were enthusiastically massaging his troubles away.

“Tell me you didn’t drink,” Nile said as he grabbed Erwin’s chin to examine his pupils. “Tell me I’m not about to punch you in the face.”

“You’re late,” Erwin said, and wrapped his arms around his friend. “And don’t worry. I’m stone cold sober.”

“Sober my left nostril,” Nile grunted, but some of the creases in his face smoothed over. “You’ve been tripping on _something_ ever since you met the grumpy midget. Now get your over-muscled ass up. The cab is waiting outside.”

“Cab?” Erwin asked.

He now knew exactly why it had taken the doctor so long to arrive.

“Yeah. Mary borrowed Victoria to take the kids out to the aquarium. Her car’s in the shop. It’s got a busted transmission.”

Victoria was the beloved Camry that Nile had gotten in celebration of his medical school graduation, and by now it was a member of the family.

Nile pulled back from Erwin and flicked his eyes over his face again. “I hope you know how much trouble you’re in,” he growled.

Erwin’s relief was leaving him weak kneed, and was glad to have Nile to hold onto so that he wouldn’t fall.

“Well if the fallout is anything like what you gave me the last time I almost drank, then yes, I have a vague idea, and am a vessel only for terror.”

Words spilled from Erwin’s lips. They would have been confident words if his voice hadn’t been shaking. Nile’s forehead creases came back. He wrapped Erwin’s arm around his shoulder and pulled him toward the door. His other hand had a tight grip around Erwin’s waist. Erwin wanted to say something. He wanted to tell Nile how much it meant to him that his friend always dropped whatever he was doing to race to his side. He wanted to say sorry for causing so much worry and heartache over the years. He wanted to tell him that he never wanted to do it again. But all that came out was a kind of breathless, “Thank you.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Nile grumbled and squeezed him tighter. “Just don’t start crying on me now. You know how hard that is for me to see.”

Nile’s real problem was that whenever Erwin cried he usually started crying as well, and Nile hated crying even more than Erwin did.

Nile pushed open the door and the wind rushed in like a wall of cold, but Nile’s side was warm, and he pulled Erwin even closer, his body a shield even though he was the smaller man.

“You were always the more responsible one,” Erwin said as they made their way to the idling cab.

“You cause enough trouble for the both of us.”

“I love you, Nile.”

“Shut up, asshole. My hearts still hammering. You couldn’t have said you didn’t drink anything on the fucking phone? The whole way over here I was thinking about the closest place to get your stomach pumped.”

“I’m sorry. I’m not thinking properly.”

“You’re damn right you aren’t. I want to punch your stupid face.”

“You should go ahead and do that. You’ve told me in the past that it’s great stress relief.”

Nile rolled his eyes and jerked the cab door open. He pushed Erwin inside before climbing in himself. They settled into the back seat and after Erwin had found his seatbelt, Nile barked out some interesting instructions to the driver.

“Just drive for now,” he said. “I’ll tell you the address later.”

Erwin shot Nile a questioning look, but the smaller man just pulled Erwin’s head to his shoulder and grunted, “Go to sleep. You need it.”

That’s when Erwin’s heart cried. Because Nile knew everything-- _everything_ \--there was to know about him. The man knew, despite his multiple reassurances, that Erwin wasn’t sleeping--that he couldn’t sleep--the closer the 30 day deadline got. And he also knew that Erwin was both like a baby and an old man in the way that moving cars could get him to sleep when pretty much all else failed. When Erwin had been at the Center for his addiction, the withdrawals had been bad, and they’d frequently brought him nightmares so disturbing that he couldn’t make himself go to sleep. And those were also the days that Nile packed Erwin in his car every night and drove across long stretches of highway for hours just so he could finally get the sleep he desperately needed to get better.

The thing with Nile is that he gave so much, so easily, but always got growly if anyone tried to thank him. Erwin knew that, but did it anyway. He kissed the top of Nile’s head before burrowing into his shoulder with a muffled, “I wouldn’t survive a day without you.”

Nile must have been even more worried than Erwin thought, because he pushed his fingers into Erwin’s hair and mussed it roughly. “Tell me something I don’t know.”

The cab pulled into traffic and soon the asphalt was sliding beneath tires in a smooth sleep inducing way. But Erwin wasn’t ready for sleep, even though the scene in the bar and his angsting over his decision had exhausted him.

“Nile?”

“Shut up and sleep. You’re getting the dark circles under your eyes again.”

“But I have a question.”

Nile sighed. “You always do.”

Translated, that was permission to go ahead. Erwin spoke fluent Nile, and had for many years.

“Do you regret sleeping with me?”

Nile groaned. “Jesus. Do we have to talk about that now?”

Erwin thought about it for a moment. He lifted Nile’s hand and pushed it back into his hair. “Yes,” he said.

Nile glanced up at the driver who couldn’t look more bored if he tried. He groaned again, but sagged back against the seat. “I don’t regret it,” he said. “Now go to sleep.”

“I don’t regret it either,” Erwin said. “Even though you’re totally not my type and I’m not interested in sticking my dick in you again.”

“Just go to _sleep_ already!”

“It’s the facial hair, Nile. It worked on Mike but you look so much better clean shaven.”

“Please shut up.”

“I know you think it makes you look manly and all, but I think ‘Hobo’ is the better word for how it--”

“Erwin?”

“Yeah buddy?”

“You sure you didn’t drink?”

“I swear.”

Nile’s arm wrapped around him as he blew out his breath. “Good,” he said. The word was too simple for the relief Erwin knew his friend felt. He felt a sharp pang of remorse.

“I wouldn’t do it again--relapse. I wouldn’t.”

“Is that supposed to stop me from worrying?”

Erwin knew that if Nile was actually saying the word “worry” then it was even worse than he thought.

“I hate scaring you,” Erwin said. He felt the words like an ache in his gut.

“Well you do it anyway.”

“I’m sorry.”

“You can make it up to me by getting better,” Nile said. “Now go to sleep.”

Erwin didn’t go to sleep. He was only quiet for a few moments before he brought up the topic he knew Nile would rather he forget about entirely.

“I didn’t hurt you that night, right?”

“I’m going to punch you.”

“To pay me back for breaking your nose?”

“No. To pay you back for being such an ass with these fucking questions.”

But Erwin had to ask the questions. Because the memory of that night had been haunting him for years now, not because he regretted what they’d done together, but because he still wasn’t sure how his friend felt about it. Erwin had always wanted to bring it up, but he’d never quite found the right opportunity. But maybe now was that time. It seemed to be. Because just the thought of it brought the memory of that night surging to the surface so vividly that it was almost like he was thrown back in the moment that had taken place six years ago…

***

Erwin’s hair was leaving an uncomfortable wet patch on his pillow, but he couldn’t be bothered to get a towel, or to even flip the pillow over to the dry side. His head ached, but that was understandable. He’d downed half a bottle of vodka and been awake for over twenty hours now.

_This should be enough_ , he thought. Hope pushing itself through some of the many cracks that had splintered him over the last few months.

He’s learned that he if he drank enough, and grew so tired that his eyes burned and twitched, then he could sleep, maybe, without the dreams screaming him awake.

_Please_ , he prayed, even though Mike’s death had destroyed whatever last threads of religious belief he’d held onto. _I need oblivion. Even if it’s just for a few hours._

Even though his eyes were closed he felt like the floor was rushing up to meet him. He hated the feeling. He’d hated almost all the side effects of the alcohol he poisoned himself with on a daily basis, but it was the only thing that gave him the nothingness he yearned for.

_Let me sleep and I’ll put something decent in my stomach after._

The promises always started when he was trying to fall asleep. He wasn’t very good at keeping them, though.

_Maybe I’ll even take a night off from drinking._

Even as a passing thought he was able to tell that one was a lie. But the promise of sleep was worth lying to himself for. Even if it was often fraught with nightmares the risk of nothingness was worth it.

Erwin reached around him for his blanket, but couldn’t find it. He let his hand flop back down onto the mattress. He was debating whether the blanket was worth getting up for when there was a loud rap on the door.

It couldn’t really be considered knocking. It was too rude for that. A loud invasive sound that made Erwin’s head hurt more.

_Just ignore it. It’ll go away. It always does._

But the rapping noise didn’t seem to know this because it continued, never flagging, growing until it was a constant battering.

_I’m not getting up. Go away._

But the sound didn’t believe Erwin. Maybe it was too loud to hear his thoughts. Erwin pulled his pillow over his head and squeezed his eyes shut tight. It seemed like the knocking was coming from inside his own head as his temples throbbed with pain. There were very few things Erwin could handle these days. He could only think of two: alcohol and fucking. He’d done ridiculous amounts of both. So much that he couldn’t begin to measure either. It was all a daze anyway, there were no faces to the flesh he fucked, and no glasses or labels connected to the booze he drank. It all burned the same way to him now: barely at all. And nothing could touch that raw emptiness in his gut. Nothing could hide it either. Everything was a surface distraction. A desperate attempt to tide himself over until the next time he could enter oblivion. Anything to avoid the world he couldn’t face—a world in which he’d killed Mike. A world he’d done nothing to contribute too.

The knocking grew louder. And now Erwin could hear muffled cursing as well.

_I know that voice._

He could make out isolated words like “Bastard,” “Jesus,” and “Open up.” Hearing them only made him more determined to stay in bed. But it was also shock that kept him there.

_What’s he doing here?_

Erwin didn’t understand. He thought he’d destroyed his relationship with the other man. Breaking people’s noses tended to make them wary of you. Of course he hadn’t meant to break his best friend’s nose. He wasn’t even sure how it had really happened. It was like something else had taken over him. He remembered Nile hounding him, demanding that he wake up and stop plowing through every man in the country before aids killed him. He’d kept going, forcing in all the thoughts Erwin had been trying to run away from. He’d been making everything too wrong. Erwin had needed it to stop. And that’s when his vision had whited out, and there had been static, and the next thing he knew he was looking at Nile on the floor, his friend’s face covered in blood, while his fist and throat ached and stung. He’d started to shout, he still didn’t remember what he’d said, but it must have been terrible, because Nile’s eyes had shrunk with the pain of it. Not knowing made it so much worse. In between getting terribly drunk and fucking everything that moved, Erwin had deliberated over that scene—rehashing it over and over—wondering if he’d finally torn free from the one person who had been there for him longer than anyone else.

But now the voice was back. It was furious, demanding, but it was back. And Erwin didn’t know what to do about it.

“Nile…”

The word hurt coming out, and not only because his lips were cracked and bleeding from chronic dehydration.

Nile’s words had gotten clearer and Erwin realized it was because his friend had found the mail slot and was now shouting at him through it.

“I know you’re in there, asshole! Now come and open the door before the police arrest me for being a public disturbance.”

_Why would he come back? I’ve only gotten worse. He’s going to hate what he sees._

Erwin pushed himself up in bed. He didn’t realize he’d done it until he registered that everything in his vision was right side up again.

“Damn it, Erwin! Just say something. I’m not afraid to go to your garage and find some power tools to knock this door down. I know you always leave the garage open.”

It was true. Erwin _did_ always leave the garage open—a bad habit it looked like he was finally going to pay for. Erwin groaned. Nile heard it.

“Stop pretending that I’m your worst nightmare and open the door.”

Erwin stood up, felt dizzy, and sat back down.

“God damn it Erwin!” Nile called.

“Shut up. I’m trying,” Erwin said. And he was. He didn’t know why he was going to open the door. Both of them knew whatever conversation they were going to have wasn’t going to end well, but he was doing it anyway. Maybe because if someone comes back to try and knock some sense into you even after you break their nose then they’re someone to hold onto. Erwin took a couple of deep breaths and sat up again. The world was still foggy, and when he took a step the floor swung crazily up to meet him, but he steadied himself. He found the glass of brackish water that had been sitting there for god knows how long and drank deeply until he was sucking air. Then he pushed the glass back onto the nightstand, barely missing the edge, and concentrated on putting one foot in front of the other.

“Come on Erwin, I’m freezing my ass off out here.”

Erwin shared with him the secret that wasn’t much of a secret.

“The door’s open, you know,” he called out. He heard some more cursing and the fumbling of the door handle. He kept going. His hand found a doorway. It belonged to the bathroom--exactly what he’d been hoping for. He found the toilet, and retched. He didn’t have anything in his stomach, just a bit of stomach acid. But the hand that found his back and the one that pushed his hair off his face were reacting like it was much more than that.

“I’m all right,” Erwin said and brushed Nile away. He stood up, feeling more settled now with the water and the retching. He moved to the sink and began to splash his face.

“Erwin…”

“Don’t say it,” Erwin said. “I know exactly how pathetic I look. You don’t need to remind me.”

He expected Nile to snap at him, but the man was silent. That wasn’t a good sign.

Erwin reached for his shaving kit. It had been a few days, he knew, and he didn’t really mind going another one, but Nile was here, and that meant Erwin had to at least pretend he was at least partially functioning. His hands betrayed him, though. They’d begun to shake. Lately he couldn’t even go two hours without drinking before the shaking returned.

“Give me that,” Nile said, and grabbed the razor. “You’ll tear your face to shreds if you try.”

Erwin still hadn’t looked at Nile. He didn’t want to see the look in his eyes. Not if it was the same as last time.

“Sit down.”

Nile’s voice wasn’t as gruff as it usually was. Erwin could see the man was trying to make everything seem normal, but the slight hoarseness in his voice gave it away.

Erwin didn’t see a reason not to listen, so he dropped the lid on the toilet, sat down, and closed his eyes. Several moments later he felt Nile’s fingers, and then the shaving cream was being spread over his cheeks and neck.

“Always fancied myself a barber,” Nile grunted.

“After that bowl cut you gave me back in our college years?” Erwin asked. “Not likely.”

The words were easier than he expected them to be. He thought he’d feel tenser. He knew what Nile had come to say: get your act together, stop the drinking, stop the fucking, go outside. But for some reason he felt almost peaceful now. It was good to have Nile back by his side, even if the man was disgusted.

Nile stretched the skin of Erwin’s cheek taut, and then there was the cold steel blade on his skin. It felt good, and that meant his skin was flushed and feverish again. It was like that a lot. Nile worked steadily. That was the difference between them. Even if he was a wreck, Nile’s hands never shook. “Surgeon’s hands,” Nile’s mother always said with pride. And she was right. The way Nile was headed he would be elected to the chairman of general surgery position before there was grey hairs at his temples. Erwin would have been proud of this, if he’d ever seen Nile smile when he was scrubbing up for the OR. But there was only ever grim determination on his friend’s face when he was in the hospital, and that usually made his stomach feel like a lead weight. But he would have preferred that face right now, because as Nile tilted Erwin’s chin up to get at the skin of his neck, Erwin’s eyes jerked open and caught the look in his friend’s eye. He wanted to shut them again, but that wouldn’t have changed anything. Nile would still look lost. He couldn’t pretend he hadn’t said.

“I’m sorry,” Erwin blurted.

The lost look didn’t disappear, but lines in Nile’s forehead appeared.

“Will that stop you?” he asked.

Erwin flinched even though Nile hadn’t raised his voice.

“No,” he admitted.

Nile’s forehead lines tightened further.

“Then you don’t mean it,” he said.

There was no forgiveness in his eyes. He went back to shaving. Erwin felt shame trickle down to pool in his fingers, but he knew there was nothing he could do about it.

The room was quiet except for the gentle scraping of metal on skin. Several minutes later Nile pulled back and went to the sink. He was done, but Erwin didn’t stand up. He was waiting for the directions he knew would follow.

Nile came back with a wet washcloth, and wiped the leftover suds from Erwin’s face.

“Follow me,” he said. It wasn’t a command, but Erwin felt his body follow. With the shame came a feeling that left him helpless to resist. He followed Nile to the kitchen and sat down when Nile gestured at the table. Erwin laid his head down on his arms while his friend began to rustle around in the cupboards.

“I can’t eat anything,” Erwin said. He knew it wouldn’t do any good.

“Oh yes you can,” Nile said. “You don’t throw up twice.”

Erwin couldn’t argue with the truth. He was silent in the minutes that Nile worked, his precise motions efficient even though they were accustomed to a different setting. Erwin raised his head when a plate and glass were set down in front of him.

“Eat.”

This time it sounded more like a command, but the eyes that came with it were pleading. Erwin looked at the food and knew it would taste like sawdust.

Nile pushed the plate a bit closer. “This is the crap you like.”

It was true that Nile’s grilled cheese sandwiches had practically kept him alive during their college years together, but the one on the plate made Erwin shake his head Nile scrubbed at his face with a rough swipe. “Come on, Erwin.”

Erwin could feel Nile’s eyes boring into his neck even though he’d glanced back down at the sandwich. If he could just avoid those eyes then maybe--

“Please.”

Erwin flinched again. The hoarseness in Nile’s voice had returned. It had disappeared during the shaving, but now it was back. Erwin bit his lip. He felt a touch on his shoulder. He remembered Nile’s hand being heavier. When had his friend started treating him like he was glass?

“Please Erwin. Even just half…”

It was the way Nile trailed off that made Erwin steel his resolve and take a bite. The bread was sandpaper on his tongue, and he wanted to spit it out. He was already so thirsty, though not for the water in the glass. He didn’t think he could eat it, but he needed the hoarseness to disappear. He chewed a couple of times and swallowed. Beside him he felt Nile exhale.

Erwin ate, and when he finished the sandwich, all of it, Nile pulled his head to his side and gave him a gruff, “thank you.”

When they first met, Erwin would have had to save Nile’s life to earn him a thank you like that. Now he got it for eating a sandwich. The steep drop in Nile’s expectations might have made him cry if he’d been a little healthier, but his eyes had been dry for a long time now. Everything was always so dry.

When he’d finished his plate and drank two glasses of water, Nile finally removed the dishes and sat down beside him. It was quiet for a long time until Nile realized that he was waiting for him to speak. Erwin had nothing to offer, and so the words that came out were part of the question that had sat burning on his tongue since he’d first heard Nile’s voice.

“Why did you come back?”

Nile snorted. “Look down at yourself and answer that question for me.”

But that wasn’t quite right. He hadn’t asked why Nile had come. His friend had a huge heart. It was obvious that he would want to help. He’d asked why he’d come _back_ even after the way he’d been treated. He decided to take a stab at words again.

“But I broke your nose.”

“Yes you did. It looks a little different now.”

“Nile, I--”

“I don’t want to hear an apology.”

“I didn’t know what I was--”

“I don’t want to hear that either.”

Erwin stared at Nile. The helplessness was even worse now. He’d always been known for his words, but he didn’t have any now.

“Nile,” he said. It was the only word that didn’t seem to infuriate his friend.

Nile sighed. He reached across the table and took Erwin’s hand. That gave Erwin hope. He squeezed the fingers in his and opened his mouth, but Nile’s words were faster.

“Are you using protection?”

Erwin remembered the question. It was the same one that had started their last conversation. The one that had ended with Nile’s broken nose. Erwin felt a sharp pain in his temples.

“Don’t.”

He tried to make the word sound final, like it had the strength to stop Nile, but of course it didn’t

“Are you?” Nile asked, not the least bit slowed. Erwin had lost any ability to intimidate. The sandwich felt even heavier in his stomach now.

“Please, Nile,” he said. “Can we just _not_?”

No answer.

Old panic that was constantly right beneath the surface was scratching to get in. Erwin’s mouth was so dry he wasn’t sure he’d be able to get the words out.

“I want to...let me just be with you right now. I was so worried that you…”

He forced himself to swallow to get some saliva in his throat. Anything to help the dryness.

“I don’t want this to be ruined,” he said.

But Erwin realized how stupid that sounded because he’d already ruined it. One look at Nile’s face made it clear that seeing Erwin like this was equivalent to suffering.

“Look at me,” Nile said.

It was a simple request, but still almost too much for Erwin. He dragged his head off his arms and forced their eyes to meet. His eyes widened when he saw how gentle his friend’s eyes had become. Nile touched his knuckles to the side of Erwin’s face for a moment before returning his hand to his side.

“How long since you last slept?” he asked.

Erwin felt guilty about the answer. “Too long.” he said.

Nile rolled his eyes, but stood up. He didn’t get up alone. He reached over, snaked Erwin’s arm over his shoulder, and pulled him up. He brought Erwin close, wrapping his arm own arm around his waist, ensuring that there was no space between their bodies.

“I guess I can postpone the yelling until after you wake up,” Nile said. Thankfully there was no hoarseness in his voice. Erwin leaned heavily into Nile. Something in his chest felt a little looser, and he took a breath deeper than any he’d taken in months. They made slow progress to the bedroom. Nile didn’t try to rush him. When they got there, Nile sat Erwin down on a chair he hadn’t remembered dragging in from the living room. Then Nile went to the closet and pulled down a new set of sheets.

“You don’t have to bother with that,” Erwin said. He leaned back in the chair and wished the light wasn’t on. It was stabbing into his brain.

“If you think that, you obviously can’t smell how bad this room is,” Nile said. He stripped the bed, but kept going, picking up all the clothes strewn over the room. He dumped them in a pile in the hallway, making several trips until the floor was clear, and space seemed to open up around them. Next, Nile dealt with the glasses and bottles that covered every surface in embarrassing numbers.

“Jesus,” Nile groaned as he picked up a bottle to find a used condom stuck to the bottom of it. Those weren’t a rare find in the room either, even though, for the most part, Erwin didn’t bring anyone back to share his apartment for the night.

Erwin swallowed his instinctive urge to mutter an apology. He knew that would only anger his friend.

“Please tell me I didn’t just touch dried stranger’s cum,” Nile muttered sounded genuinely terrified as he dropped the gross thing into the bag.

That dragged something that could maybe have been half a smile onto Erwin’s face.

“Why, would knowing it was mine make it better?” Erwin asked.

“Of course it would.” Nile was picking endless cigarette stubs off the floor with wide eyes. He didn’t have to worry. Erwin had only smoked one of them. Erwin leaned back still further and closed his eyes. It didn’t really help. He could still see the light through his lids.

“It’s mine,” Erwin said. He didn’t know why he was bothering. “I don’t bottom. Not since…”

He didn’t have to finish that sentence. Nile tied off the top of the bag with more force than strictly necessary. He crossed the room and tossed it into the hall. The room was nowhere near clean yet. Not finishing a job was unlike Nile. Erwin knew why, and he groaned when his friend’s footsteps stopped right in front of him.

“I thought you were going to wait until after my nap,” Erwin said.

Nile growled and clonked Erwin over the head. “You know that every time I look at you I have to recite the Hippocratic oath of ‘first do no harm’ because otherwise I’d murder your stupid ass.”

Erwin sighed. “I wouldn’t stop you.”

He expected another clonk, but he didn’t get it. He waited, and waited, and finally had to give up and open his eyes to see what was happening. He wished he hadn’t. It was bad, worse than he’d expected. Nile’s face wasn’t angry. It was broken.

“Stop.”

It was a whisper. Just a puff of air.

“Just stop.”

Erwin felt things inside of him begin to shut down. The warmth began to withdraw. It was a survival mechanism. He couldn’t handle seeing Nile that way, so he had to, in some way, force himself not to feel it--to not care.

“Nile--”

But Nile wasn’t going to let himself be cut off. Not this time. He grabbed Erwin’s hand and squeezed until the bones beneath the skin were protesting.

“You can’t continue like this. You can’t. Swear you’ll stop. Promise me. I’ll make you promise me.”

Erwin tried to wrench his hand back, but for the first time Nile was stronger than him. His friend’s grip only tightened.

“Let go.”

Erwin could feel his panic, but he managed to project coldness into his voice.

Nile yanked Erwin’s hand forward and plastered it, palm flat, against his chest. Beneath the fabric of the shirt Erwin could feel the fierce thumping of his friend’s heart.

“You have to. I won’t go until you do. Not until you say something that finally has some meaning behind it.”

“Get off of me, Nile.”

He needed more coldness, more signs to show Nile that his efforts were pointless, but he could feel the mask slipping.

“No.”

Nile refused him a lot, but it never sounded like that. Erwin was afraid of a refusal that strong. He wasn’t sure if he could get a mind like that to turn around.

“Don’t go there, Nile. You know what could happen. You felt it last time.”

He expected the heart beneath his hand to stutter or increase its rhythm. But it didn’t. If anything it slowed, even if the organ itself seemed to pump louder, pushing itself into Erwin, making its presence known.

“I don’t care what happened last time,” Nile said.

Erwin had always been able to tell when his friend was lying. Nile wasn’t lying.

“I don’t want to hurt you,” Erwin said. He wasn’t lying either. But he knew that what he wanted wasn’t always in his control, and it hadn’t been for a long time--not since the phone call that meant Mike was gone.

“Listen to me, Erwin. If you keep this up--”

Erwin stood up, but Nile shoved him back down.

“No! Listen! Open your goddamn ears already!”

Nile was shouting. Erwin could feel it in his chest and it was making the panic claw at him.

“Go,” he said. His hands pushed up at Nile. “You have to go. Get out. You know I can’t do this.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” Nile said. He still had tight hold of Erwin’s hand.

“Nile I’m warning you. If you don’t stop then what happened before might happen again. I’m not in control. I can’t stop it. I don’t know how. You have to go somewhere else. Anywhere, just not here.”

Erwin tried to stand up again, and this time he used all his force. Nile stumbled back, but he didn’t let go.

“I already told you. I’m not going anywhere.”

Erwin didn’t remember Nile having this much steel in him. It must have happened while the world had been a haze.

“Nile--”

“I don’t care what happens to me. I can’t watch this anymore.”

The panic was curdling. It always turned to anger these days. Erwin could feel his vision burning. He grabbed Nile’s wrist, and tried to peel the fingers away with his free hand, but his friend was clinging like his life depended on it--or like Erwin’s life depended on it. And maybe it did.

“You have to swear it, Erwin. Swear it on my life.”

“You have ten seconds to be out that door Nile. If I have to drag you out myself you’ll no longer be welcome here.”

Erwin could feel the words’ destructive power, but he was in no fit state to really register it, let alone stop it from happening

“Swear it on anything you care about then,” Nile spat. “even if I’m no longer one of those things. Because I’m not leaving.”

“Nile!”

The anger gripped all of him now. Already he was yanking Nile toward the door. No one understood. They all tried to fix him, but none of them could understand that he didn’t _deserve_ to be fixed. He wasn’t good for anything anymore. He was a murderer, and they would see that, even if it meant showing that ugliness to them. Even if it meant he was going to be alone. His nails were digging into flesh, and he knew that it hurt, but he did it anyway, because the more Nile hurt now, the more he’d be spared later. He’d leave, and that was good, because he didn’t deserve such a shitty friend. Everyone deserved better than Erwin now. They would see that. He would _make_ them see that.

Except Nile’s feet were staunch against the ground, and no one was getting anywhere. Erwin felt a sharp jerk that nearly wrenched his arm from its socket and then Nile was there, sweaty and red faced and shouting into his face.

“Promise me! I’m not leaving until you--”

“DO I HAVE TO BREAK YOUR NOSE AGAIN?”

Erwin’s voice roared out of him, hot, furious, and belonging to a man he no longer recognized. His breath burned his chest, but he wasn’t the only one who sounded like a wheezing old vacuum. Nile’s breath was leaving in sharp painful gasps. Their faces were only about a foot apart and their hands were balled up into tight fists.

Erwin wanted to vomit. He wanted to lift his hands to his own face and tear the skin right off in an attempt to make himself someone else--someone who didn’t threaten violence to his oldest friend. But he didn’t. Because Nile had to see what he was.

_And he will_.

Erwin was sick with dread because he knew he’d gone too far.

_This is what will finally tip the scales. Nile’s a good guy, but even he’ll be forced to see what I am. He’ll give up like the rest of them. Stop calling. Stop everything. He’ll go home to Marie and shake his head over me, but he’ll leave me alone._

That thought struck Erwin. Not like a sharp needle point, but like the blunt side of an axe to the side of his face. A debilitating blow that had everything reeling into a smear of colors.

_I’ll be alone. Only the thoughts will be here. And the ghost of Mike._

Erwin’s hands were shaking. His throat was dry, but there was no alcohol close enough to grab. He could feel the floor sucking his feet down and cracking beneath him, as if the house he and Mike were supposed to start a life in was trying to bury him alive along with the rest of their dreams.

_Alone. All alone. Like the rest of them, Nile will also--”_

“Go ahead then!”

Nile threw his head back, presenting his face up to Erwin.

“Go ahead and break it. You think my face can’t take a few bruises?”

Erwin stared. His eyes didn’t widen or narrow. They were stuck with his surprise. But Nile wasn’t done.

“Break it, you stupid blame shifting man baby. I don’t give a fuck. Swear that you’ll stop this nonsense, and I’ll let you break it as many times as you like.”

Erwin finally blinked. He stumbled back a step.

“I don’t...I don’t understand,” he finally mumbled.

Nile took back the space Erwin had created and stepped forward.

The panic was coming back, but this time Erwin couldn’t find the anger to go with it.

“But you...you’re not leaving?”

He couldn’t get his words to come out without the strange hollow halting.

“No.”

Nile’s refusal was absolute. There was no arguing with it.

“Not even if you break every bone in my body.”

Erwin didn’t take another step back, but still Nile stepped forward, and now their faces were right there, and Nile seized Erwin’s hips and tugged those last couple of inches into nothing.

“You can kick me, hit me, beat me, bite me, turn me to a fucking pulp, I don’t care, I’m not afraid, and I’m not leaving.”

Nile’s fingers, rough with how much they cared, grabbed Erwin’s face. “I don’t care.”

He smashed their foreheads together. “I don’t care,” he repeated, but his eyes proved him a liar.

His steps shoved Erwin back, but they were still connected even though everything was being knocked off balance.

“I don’t.”

And now Erwin was leaning into him, hands grabbing for anything and finding the material of his shirt.

“I don’t care.”

The words were the same but each time Nile meant something different. “I love you,” “You’re scaring me,” “I need you,” and “I’m here.” And Erwin heard him. He heard every message. Because Nile was right. They couldn’t just leave like that, not even with broken noses.

Erwin’s arms finally gripped Nile, and they wrapped tightly around like clamps just like they’d wanted. His breathing was disintegrating into sounds that could too easily become sobs.

“Don’t leave.”

Erwin realized the words were the first real ones he’d spoken.

“Please don’t leave.”

His nails were still digging into Nile, but this time he wasn’t trying to cause pain.

“Please. please, I can’t--I need--”

Nile clamped his hand over Erwin’s mouth. Despite everything happening, the motion still managed to surprise him. He shut up immediately. His fear and panic had solidified and revealed their true nature. He couldn’t afford to have Nile leave. Ever. If he was going to make stupid analogies, then Erwin had been a man in a capsizing ship, and all he’d been doing since it had started to go down was set his life rafts on fire. But there was one raft--the one remaining one--that appeared to be flame retardant. He’d banged it up and dented it, but it was still there, waiting to take him to safety, if only he’d put the damn torch down and climb inside.

Erwin’s eyes were wide and his breathing was becoming ineffective, but Nile’s eyes speared him and kept him right there.

“You’re going to stop this,” Nile said. “And I’m going to help you.”

The words were said such simple confidence that for a second Erwin could almost believe it. But as much as he wanted, he couldn’t keep the words in for long.

“But I can’t,” he said.

“You can.”

Erwin didn’t have the anger anymore, but he wished for it. He didn’t know how else to express the frustration that flared up with Nile’s words.

“No, Nile. You don’t understand. It’s not in my control. All of this...”

His head flicked around at the word, taking in the room that still looked like the wreckage after a storm despite Nile’s recent efforts.

“I’m not a person when I do it. I’m just a body. I drink, I sleep, I vomit, I fuck, and I do it all like some sort of machine bent on self-destruction. I’m not lying to you Nile. I’m not trying to be weak. But I can’t take back that control.”

Nile’s eyes were burning, but they weren’t judging him. That just made him feel worse. But Nile wasn’t going to let everything slide, and Erwin saw that in the way his friend’s hands tightened on his wrists, and the relief from that pulsed like an open fuse trying to restart his heart.

“I have some compromises, and you better agree to them, Erwin, because they’re the best I’ve got.”

Erwin was silent. It was obvious that Nile’s words were going to be a lot more thought out.

“I’m going to build a center for lost people who’ve found the wrong things. An addiction center. For alcohol, drugs, behaviors, everything. I’m going to look for a partner, but even if I don’t find one, I’m going to build it, and you’re going to go. No matter what. Promise me.”

“I don’t understand.”

Nile’s words had been pretty clear, but they’d still made no sense. Nile was going to be chief of surgery one day. He’d been the top in his graduating class. There were no addiction centers. No non-for-profit organizations in that plan.

“You don’t have to understand, you just have to tell me you’re going to go.”

Erwin shook his head. He wasn’t disagreeing, he was just trying to think.

“Why are you doing this? The hospital--”

“Can go fuck itself. They’ll find other doctors.”

“And your mother--”

“Can go have another son if she wants a chief of surgery that badly.”

The room was starting to waver and Erwin realized it was because his eyes were wet.

“ _Why_?”

But he knew why. It was written all over Nile’s face, but his friend said the words anyway.

“For you.”

“No.” Erwin was shaking his head harder. His breath was louder than his words. “You can’t--”

“Because you’re important.”

“Stop. No. _No_.”

“Yes.” Nile pulled Erwin’s head down, his eyes sharp and unyielding. “ _Yes_.”

Erwin head fell to his friend’s shoulder. “You can’t. Not for me. You _can’t._ ”

It was a tear from shoulder to belly to know that a man with a future--a smart man like Nile--would change everything around, all the plans, for another man--a lost man--Erwin.

“Listen,” Nile said.

Erwin couldn’t hide the shaking. He could remember the first time Nile had seen him like that. They’d been in college after Erwin’s boyfriend had broken up with him. It wasn’t the boyfriend that had done it. Though they’d been dating for a year, Erwin had never pretended that the relationship would really lead anywhere. No. It was because his boyfriend had broken up with him after his _mother_ had called, in all her anti-gay religious glory, and told him exactly what god would do to sinners like him... Brett. That had been the boyfriend’s name. Nile had rolled his eyes during Erwin’s entire relationship with the guy, but that hadn’t stopped his fury when he’d seen Erwin’s shaking and heard him say “It won’t stop. I’ll never be free of her.” Nile had demanded to have his mother’s number. “I’m going to tell her _exactly_ where I’m going to put her opinion,” he’d shouted as he’d tried to wrangle the phone out of Erwin’s hand. He hadn’t succeeded, but he’d made the shaking stop, and that was what Nile had really been trying to do anyway. Erwin wondered if the words Nile was about to say would also be with the same goal in mind. He felt his friend’s fingers touch his hair. His face was still pressed to Nile’s shoulder. Marie had been using the same fabric softener since day one, and right now that, and Nile himself, seemed like the only constants in his life.

“You don’t have to be all dramatic about it,” Nile grumbled. “It’s true I got the idea because of you, but I’ve been meaning to switch over to something like this for a long time.”

Erwin wasn’t sure what to think of that. It was true that Nile _had_ been restless for a long time, and this might have been the reason, but he also knew he couldn’t put it past the man to exaggerate for the sake of making him feel better. He raised his head to get a better look. Nile flicked his forehead.

“Don’t look at me like that. It’s true enough.”

Nile’s voice always got gruffer when he was embarrassed. Erwin could feel the ground starting to settle beneath his feet. It wasn’t enough. But Nile wasn’t done yet.

“I’m going to be checking up on you every week. And I mean full routine physical exams. Regular blood tests for your liver enzymes too. And the second I decide you’re in danger you come with me to the hospital, no questions asked. You’ll trust my judgement.”

It wasn’t a question, and Erwin didn’t treat it like one. He gave a stiff nod. “Okay.”

_I’m not alone. Even though I’m like this, I’m not alone._

Nile touched Erwin’s hair again, but there was something different about the touch. It was more…tentative. Not uncertain, but not confident either. Nile looked like he was forcing himself to meet Erwin’s eyes, and that set Erwin on high alert.

“What?” he asked.

“You can use me,” Nile said. “Instead of the others.”

Nile looked small. Sometimes Erwin didn’t see how much shorter his friend was, but now he was quite aware of it. And for the first time in many months Erwin felt the urge to protect squeeze at his heart.

“What are you talking about?” he asked. He wanted to be gentle, but he’d forgotten how.

Nile cleared his throat. “You know. All the others. Every night. You aren’t careful. You never are. You don’t use protection all the time. You get caught up in the moment. Your body doesn’t listen to your brain. You forget. Your mind clouds up. And all those other excuses you use all the time. I don’t care if they’re true or not. The fact is that what you’re doing is dangerous. I sent in the blood sample I took from you last time I was here. It came back clean. I want it to stay that way. So until you stop this stupidity you can just use me. It’s much safer that way.”

For the first time in a year Erwin wished he hadn’t touched alcohol because right now he wanted his mind clear to understand what Nile was saying. Erwin didn’t remember Nile taking a blood sample. He only remembered a lot of anger and haziness and his friend’s broken nose. But that didn’t matter. He understood that Nile was talking about sex and himself and that’s the part that he couldn’t get past.

“Nile, what are you saying? You’re not…”

There were so many ways to finish that sentence. “in love with me,” “Gay,” “actually being serious,” “Crazy.” He was sure he could think of more if he tried.

Nile finally dropped his eyes. Erwin had to give him credit for trying for so long.

“So what. It doesn’t matter, right? You just need a body. I have a body. And I’m clean. I had myself tested the same time as you.”

“Nile—“

“And before you say anything, yes, I actually do know how to do this. I think.”

“Nile.”

“And you’re not allowed to tell me how much I suck at it. It’s not my fault I’ve never been with a guy before.”

“Nile!”

“What!”

Nile’s face was red; embarrassed. Erwin’s was red too, but his was from rising anger.

“What the fuck, Nile?”

“It’s just an idea. You don’t have to glare like that.”

“This isn’t funny,” Erwin said. The words rocked through the room, but it wasn’t enough, so Erwin said it again. “I don’t think this is funny.”

“Do you see me laughing?”

And Nile wasn’t. He might have been embarrassed, but he was still serious. Erwin knew he had to make the man see sense.

“Did you tell Marie about this stupid idea?”

“She knows.”

“ _And_?”

“She’s okay with it.”

“What! _Why_?”

“Because she trusts my judgment.”

“This is insane. You’re insane. How can you offer this? She’s your _wife_.”

“And you’re my oldest friend.”

Erwin was touched. He could feel it as a kind of stretching warmth in his chest, but he forced himself not to dwell on it as he tried to see reason.

“Friends don’t do this kind of thing,” he said.

“You don’t get to decide what I can and cannot do,” Nile answered.

“You’re straight,” Erwin shouted. He didn’t know why he was shouting. It wouldn’t make any difference. “You’re straighter than the fucking ruler they used to beat gay boys like me with back in my Christian grade school.”

“I don’t understand why you think I have to be gay in order to have sex with you,” Nile said. Erwin had seen him flinch at the ruler thing. The man hated any story that featured an abused Erwin, but he wasn’t going to be sidetracked today.

“That is pretty much of definition of gay,” Erwin said. He was used to Nile’s pragmatism, but even that stretched itself a bit too far at times.

“It isn’t,” Nile said. “I don’t have a problem sleeping with you if it means keeping you safe.”

“You have a _child_ ,” Erwin said. “A two year old boy.”

“And Marie is pregnant again,” Nile added. “What’s your point?”

Erwin reeled back.

“She’s pregnant?”

“Yes. Five months along.”

“But that’s…Jesus Christ, Nile. Why didn’t you—“

“Because you were too busy being an emotional and physical wreck to have any interest in my personal life,” Nile said before Erwin could finish. “You haven’t been present at all this year. You’ve missed a lot. The pregnancy is just the tip of the iceberg. Did you know that Nanaba had her appendix removed? As I recall she is _your_ friend, so why was I the one to drive her back home from the surgery?”

Erwin took a step backward, and then another, but Nile grabbed his arm and wrenched him back.

“Mike’s uncle was just diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, and your cousin got married. My brother’s dog was hit by a Cadillac and your Auntie May won a 25,000 dollar cash prize and has been in Thailand celebrating for the past two months. And where have you been for all of it?”

Erwin didn’t understand how everything around him could be rushing and tilting when he was doing his best to keep as still as possible. Nausea was threatening to empty his stomach again and his short breaths were making him light headed.

“I didn’t know. I don’t know anything.”

“Damn right you don’t. You’re too busy trying to drown yourself in alcohol because of your stupid conviction that you’re some kind of murderer.”

“But I _am_ a—“

“Shut up! Just shut the fuck up for once, Erwin. You’re not always right, and you’re not right about this. You don’t know what it’s like to watch your friend slide into a pit while he spits into every stupid hand you reach down to give him. You don’t know what I feel when I see this, see you. You don’t know, Erwin. Because you’re too busy being a jackass while you shred your own heart over a dead man and I’m tired of it. I’m _sick_ with it. So no, Erwin, fucking you wouldn’t be a problem for Mr. Straight because at least I’ll finally be doing _something_.”

Nile shoved Erwin’s chest, but Erwin didn’t stumble back. His feet had been glued to the floor. He’d also stopped breathing. Nile had taken over in that department. His breaths were heavy and angry. But Erwin was angry too. He could feel it trickling in over his horror. He didn’t even know how to label the anger. He didn’t know if it was for himself or for Nile or for Mike or for the damn alcohol that was both ruining and saving everything. He shoved Nile back. Nile slapped him. Erwin shoved him again. The anger was real even if it wasn’t comprehensible. It was growing too big and Erwin felt helpless with it. Nile grabbed Erwin’s front. And this time when Erwin’s hands closed around Nile it was to bring him closer. And he kissed him. He found Nile’s mouth and punished it, angry, furious, that his friend could still be there, could still force the truth into him, could still love him, even when it felt cruel to do so.

And Nile kissed him back. That was what still managed to shock Erwin. Nile gripped Erwin’s face with both hands, like he could _make_ Erwin listen and care if only he held him tight enough, and he kissed back like they were running out of time, and they needed this to save everything. And maybe they did.

Erwin forced himself into Nile’s space. He needed Nile to see him the way he saw himself. But he wasn’t seeing it, and that was obvious, because Nile was still kissing him, and it was _wrong_ because it felt comforting, and it shouldn’t have. Nothing was allowed to comfort Erwin. He wasn’t allowed to have Nile’s love. He wasn’t allowed. And Nile was only making it worse because Erwin could taste the love in his friend’s lips, in the way he gripped his hair and pulled him close and gave himself freely as if he’d always meant to give this to Erwin.

It made him furious. He shoved at Nile’s hips and growled, “Get off.”

Nile rested his hands on top of Erwin’s. “Break my nose again first.”

“No. I won’t.”

The anger drew blood. Erwin could feel it fill his mouth.

“Then go back to kissing me.”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because you can’t just be a body like the others.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re Nile.”

Being Nile meant being loved. Being Nile meant being important. All the men Erwin had fucked had been faceless, mostly nameless, and hadn’t taken up root in his mind. He could touch them, use them, and not feel a thing. He could see right past them, transparent, but he couldn’t do that with Nile. He didn’t want to. He wanted Nile to matter just like he always had.

But his friend had a simple answer to that.

“So fuck me as Nile.”

Erwin shuddered. It was the wrong answer. He had to see that was the wrong answer.

“I can’t,” Erwin said. He could feel things shearing off inside him. Too late. He’d allowed himself to feel something.

“Why not?” Nile asked. As if he could be that stupid.

“Because I’ll feel things. I’ll feel you.”

He slid his hand down over Nile’s neck and stopped over the pulse point.

“It would mean living,” Erwin finished. “And how can I do that if he’s dead?”

Nile pulled Erwin’s head down. Erwin wasn’t used to that. He’d always tilted his head up to kiss Mike.

“Find a way,” Nile growled. “Because you’re going to live, and I’m going to be here, and you’re not getting rid of me.”

Erwin kissed him again. He had to. Because he needed touch that didn’t feel poisonous and Nile was safety and the alcohol had erased so much, but it couldn’t erase Nile. And Nile kissed him. And it wasn’t a pity kiss, or a practical kiss, or any other kiss that would come with the reasons Nile had given him for why they were doing this. Because the truth was that Nile needed this too. Erwin wasn’t sure he understood it, but he could feel it, and that’s what allowed him to let go of the thoughts that said he couldn’t and go forward with the ones that sought out the warmth and trust Nile had earned over and over again.

Nile was the one who tugged Erwin closer until their hips bumped and their legs tangled and someone was moving, maybe they both were, and Erwin’s hands were pulling, plastering themselves on Nile’s face and neck, everything so familiar except for this new thread of static that coated every touch. He opened his mouth to Nile, searching for whatever had caused his heart to beat before. And he found it, of course it would be in Nile. Because Nile was the first one who had ever accepted the twisted part of Erwin, and because of that, he was the first person Erwin had tried to be real in front of. Nile hadn’t needed to try. He’d always been blunt, up front, and Erwin had so admired that quality. He wondered if he subconsciously sought out that out in his partners. Mike had fit that pretty well. Erwin had never heard the man lie. Erwin couldn’t say the same for himself. He’d spent most of his childhood and early adult years learning to craft the perfect lies. It was only after he’d met Nile that he realized maybe that wasn’t the best kind of craft to hone. It had taken time to learn, and a lot of frustration, but unlike with Mike, Nile had never gotten angry about his manipulation. He found it fascinating, and interesting to dissect. Maybe that was what made them get along so well. They both had personalities that would seem creepy to regular people: Nile with his penchant for cold and distant analysis, and Erwin with his ease of manipulation.

Nile pushed his hands up under Erwin’s shirt to find warm muscle that tensed at the touch. Erwin was surprised at his friend’s forwardness. He hadn’t thought Nile had truly meant his offer, but he was starting to think he’d better take it seriously. To test the waters he let one hand fall from Nile’s hair, to his back, sliding down until his fingers were tapering around the swell of his friend’s ass. Nile had a pretty cute butt for a married man and father. Nile had always had the face of an old man, but his body hadn’t been hit with the same curse. Nile didn’t flinch. Instead he took Erwin’s other hand and wrapped it around his waist, pulling them even closer together. Erwin felt something light touch his heart. The man really was serious. That’s when everything turned tender. His anger couldn’t touch the man in his arms. Not anymore. Not if Nile was giving him this. Now when Erwin kissed his friend he wasn’t trying to take.

“Nile,” he said. He could feel the age of the word as his lips grazed lips. “Do you want this?”

He hadn’t asked “Are you sure?” because he knew Nile was sure. The man never did anything without conviction. No. What he wanted was one moment that maybe wasn’t owned by selfishness.

“I want you to be okay,” Nile said.

Which wasn’t the answer to what Erwin had asked, but that had been the answer he’d expected anyway. Erwin tried again.

“Nile. If I was okay, would you still want this?”

Erwin lightened his grip, prepared to remove his arms if the word “no” left his friend’s lips. But as Erwin lightened, Nile tightened. He had enough of Erwin’s shirt in his hands to rip it off him if he wanted.

“No one can ever know what they’d do in different circumstances,” Nile said. Erwin loved when his eyes burned the way they were doing now. “But I think that no matter what, we would have found _this_ ,” Nile’s fingers dug into Erwin’s sides. “At least once.”

Erwin cocked his head to the side, weighing the words. “You think?”

Nile smiled. Erwin loved when he did that. It always took years off his face. “Come on, Erwin. We both know that for a straight man, I’ve always been pretty damn gay with you.”

Erwin let Nile take his lips then, questioning over. He had an answer that tasted like truth, and he would let it be. The kiss went deeper now with the doubt gone. There wasn’t lust in it, just an old love that had found a different way to express itself. As Erwin’s fingers found the buttons on Nile’s shirt, his mind turned to an old conversation. They’d both been a little tipsy. Nile had just taken his MCAT, and they’d broken the months Nile had spent locked away in his room studying with a little levity. Erwin had meant to plan a party, but Nile hadn’t wanted that. “Just you and me,” he’d said as he’d stopped Erwin from calling other friends. “I’ve missed that.”

And so it had been just them. They’d taken a dusty old bottle to the park and as the world had begun to spin they’d both flopped down on the grass and lifted their eyes to try and touch the stars. Erwin had reached out and found Nile’s hand already reaching back. When Erwin thought about the perfect moments in his life that one always made the list. He liked Nile’s hand--just the right amount of heavy. It was smaller than his own, and he’d enjoyed the feeling of wrapping it up even if he knew Nile didn’t need his protection. And Erwin also remembered (how could he forget?) when Nile turned to him, fingers linked, and asked, “If I were gay, would we have eventually married?”

They’d been so young then. Only twenty one. And Erwin was pretty sure that it was the first time the thought of marriage had ever really crossed his mind. He’d laughed, but Nile had been serious, and maybe the wounded look had made Erwin fall in love with him a little. At least it had made him pull Nile’s hand up and kiss the wrist. Nile had liked that. He’d always liked Erwin’s affection. Maybe because at that point Nile had been the only person Erwin had genuine affection for. He’d reached for Erwin, and Erwin had pulled him into his arms and they’d laid there like that: Nile’s head on Erwin’s chest. And Erwin had been happy. They both had been. And he’d been free to contemplate Nile’s question without fear of the reaction. “Who knows,” he’d finally said after long minutes of comfortable silence. “It’s possible.” Nile had looked up at him then and smiled. His smiles had always been rare, but back then they’d come a little more easily, and he’d been so important to Erwin in that moment that he would have agreed to anything that came out of his friend’s mouth. So when Nile said, “Kiss me,” Erwin didn’t hesitate. He lifted Nile’s chin and kissed him with gentle lips and curtained breath. And Nile pulled away looking thoughtful and said. “I think if I was gay I would ask you to marry me.” Erwin had liked that too, but he couldn’t pass up the opportunity to say, “And if I said no to your proposal?” Nile smacked him for that, on his chest, but then his fingers curled into Erwin’s shirt and he laid his head back down to be soothed by the sound of Erwin’s heart. “How about this,” Erwin said, and tapped the back of Nile’s head to get him to listen. He knew that the alcohol was in danger of putting his friend to sleep. “If it doesn’t work out with Marie, and neither of us find anyone worthwhile by the time we’re forty, I’ll marry your straight ass. How does that sound?” Nile laughed, and Erwin liked the rumbling vibration against his chest. “Deal,” he said. And in that moment Erwin had been able to picture it. The two of them bumbling about the house, snapping at each other for little domestic things like leaving the socks on the floor, or finishing the last of the milk. He could do a lot worse than a platonic marriage with his best friend. A whole lot worse. “What would your mother think?” Erwin asked. “She’d approve. She doesn’t like the gap in Marie’s teeth,” Nile said. Erwin pushed Nile off his chest, propped himself up on his elbows, and stuck out his hand. “Shake on it,” he’d instructed. He hadn’t been surprised when Nile knocked his hand aside, climbed on top of him, and kissed him again. “Till death do us part,” Nile said after sealing the deal. And then he really had fallen asleep on Erwin’s chest. And Erwin had needed to carry the scruffy little man all the way back to their scrawny college apartment, but Nile hadn’t felt heavy that night. Nothing had.

Things hadn’t changed after that. Not really. But there was an extra measure of calm between them that came from reassurance. No matter what happened they’d both be in each other’s future. And that had been enough to get Erwin through everything--almost everything. This year everything had become too much--at least he’d thought so. But now Nile was in his arms again, and his friend wasn’t letting go for anything, showing him that their bond went beyond “til death do us part.” Mike’s burial couldn’t force a permanent wall between them.

Nile’s back hit a wall. Erwin wasn’t sure where they were, or how they had moved, but he didn’t care. He just wanted to put his hands on anything solid and warm. He felt nauseous. Being alive was too difficult a task when he was feeling for the first time in too long, and he hated it, but he also loved it, because he’d thought there was nothing left to him, and Nile was showing him that nothing had changed, and that was too much, everything was too much, so why was he trying to make things even more? He didn’t know, but that didn’t stop him. He pushed the shirt from Nile’s shoulders and yanked him forward for another kiss. His movements were getting jerkier. He wasn’t used to doing this with purpose. With all the others he’d been on autopilot.

Nile could feel Erwin’s distress, and his movements were smooth and gentle in response. His hands cupped Erwin’s face as he kissed him, his body open and relaxed to Erwin’s touch. “I’m right here,” he said as Erwin’s hand fumbled with the button on his jeans. “With you.”

Erwin gave up on Nile’s pants. His fingers weren’t working well. Instead he shoved himself against his friend, plastering him to the wall, his leg pushed up high between Nile’s thighs to press against his crotch. Usually by the time he did something like that he could feel his partner’s erection burning hot and hard against him, but he’d have to work a little bit harder than that with Nile.

“Tell me what you like,” Erwin muttered. His hands were massaging the skin of Nile’s shoulders and neck as he began to work up a steady rhythm with his leg. Nile shuddered and his mouth fell open to Erwin’s kiss. Erwin pulled his friend forward to take advantage of that. He wrapped his arms around him, and pulled him free from the wall.

Nile pushed his hand beneath the hem of Erwin’s shirt again, and Erwin realized what that meant and pulled the material over his head. Nile didn’t hesitate as he pushed his hands up the lined muscle of Erwin’s chest, fingers brushing over stiff nipples. Erwin realized he was hard.

Nile’s knees found the edge of the bed and buckled, but Erwin was right there to lift him up and drop him down to its surface. He climbed on top of his friend and kissed him deeply. His fingers found the edge of Nile’s waistband, and this time he had more success with the button. He pulled on the fabric and slipped his hand inside as he leaned farther over his friend. He realized that Nile was hard too. Satisfaction made his lips twitch upward. Nile grunted and shifted. His hips rocked up to meet Erwin’s hand. Erwin used the flat of his palm to increase the pressure of the friction. He had Nile pinned beneath his full weight, but his friend was still managing to rock himself incrementally.

“Feels good?” Erwin asked.

Nile snorted. “I’m straight, not oblivious. A hand on my dick is going to feel like a hand on my dick.”

His voice was grumpy--a good sign. Nile yanked Erwin’s head down and kissed him. When Erwin peeled back Nile’s underwear and wrapped his erection with long careful fingers he felt Nile’s sharp exhale in the back of his throat.

“You’re kind of cute,” Erwin said. His fingers had closed around Nile more tightly and he was experimenting with the man, stroking up his length and lingering in different places, trying to find the man’s sensitive areas. “Never thought I’d live to see that day.”

“Asshole pretty boy,” Nile bit back. His fingers were digging into Erwin’s back. “Everything that comes out of your mouth makes me want to--”

His voice cut off sharply as Erwin’s hand peeled back his foreskin and brushed his thumb over the sensitive head.

“Makes you want to want?” Erwin asked, repeating the motion while pushing up against Nile with his own clothed erection. Nile only groaned in response. That was all Erwin needed. He gripped two handfuls of Nile’s pants and yanked them down his legs. He tossed the material to the floor and flipped Nile over.

“Hey, what the fuck are you--”

Erwin yanked Nile’s hips up and draped himself over his friend’s back. He re-wrapped his hand around Nile’s erection. His own length was burning against his friend’s ass.

“Shit,” Nile choked out as Erwin’s motions grew bolder.

“Would you like a platonic blowjob?” Erwin asked, knowing the answer would amuse him.

“Only if my dick will shut you the fuck up,” Nile growled and shoved back against Erwin. This time the groan belonged to Erwin. He didn’t bother with teasing anymore. He pushed his face into Nile’s neck, his breath heavy as he kissed Nile. Now he was the one rocking against his friend. He didn’t pause his motions, and used his free hand to explore Nile’s body. His hand squeezed his calves and thighs before kneeding Nile’s ass and back. He was surprised at how comfortable this all felt. He knew the body in his arms, even if he’d never felt it in quite this way. Nile was propped up on his hands, but his elbows were trembling.

“Erwin,” he hissed. “This position is embarrassing.”

“Don’t worry. It’s a nice view.”

“You really don’t know when to shut up, do you?”

Erwin just grinned and reached over to his night table to grab one of several standing tubes of lube. He’d only cracked it open a couple of days ago, making it the newest. It was his best offering, and he hoped Nile wouldn’t object. His worry was for nothing. Nile shoved back against him and growled. “Would you just get on with it already?”

“Top or bottom?” Erwin asked, hoping to throw his friend off.

It didn’t work. Nile was too composed for his own good.

“Don’t give me that crap. You said you don’t bottom since Mike. Guess that means my ass is going to be sore in the morning.”

“We don’t have to do anything,” Erwin said. “We can finish just like this. Don’t worry about--”

“Just stick yourself in my ass, idiot. Neither of us are getting any younger here.”

Erwin smiled. The farther they went, the lighter the straps on his heart seemed to loosen. He was starting to feel lightheaded from it. His body wasn’t used to levity. Erwin pushed against Nile’s shoulder, suddenly gentle, until Nile himself rolled onto his back to stare up at him. Erwin brushed his fingers across the man’s lips. “Careful there,” he said. “If you keep that attitude up I’m going to start to think you really want me. And then what’ll we tell Marie?”

Nile rolled his eyes. “Marie’s smarter than the both of us. She knows everything I’ll do and think years before I ever get around to it. She can handle herself.”

Erwin pushed Nile’s knees apart, and slid his hands down his friend’s thighs. “So then her first assumption…”

“That we were a couple?” Nile finished. “Well, she was right. She’s always right.”

Nile raised his hand and Erwin took it. Their fingers slid together, comfortable. People sought out relationships for different reasons. Some looked for excitement, some for romance, others for a sense of being alive. But Erwin felt that what really drove people was the search for comfort—the ability to be yourself while feeling safe and accepted. That’s what he had with Nile. That’s what he’d always had with him. And that’s why he understood. They were a couple. One of them was gay, one wasn’t. One of them was a father, one an almost widower. Neither of them felt lust for the other. And neither of them really believed in the existence of souls. But they did connect. In a deep and permanent way their brains had hooked into each other and weren’t going to let go. Maybe that was what a soul mate was. Either way he was happy to have found Nile. The man was more than enough.

“I would have married you,” Erwin said. He raised the fingers he’d been pressing to Nile’s lips up to his own. “I meant what I said back then.”

So many years had passed since that tipsy night in the park, but that just meant that they’d had even more time to find each other.

“I know,” Nile said. “Your brow always furrows when it tells the truth. That hasn’t changed over the years.”

Nile found the waistband of Erwin’s sweats. Erwin couldn’t remember putting them on, but now they were coming off. Nile slid the material down Erwin’s legs, and Erwin shifted to accommodate. Nile tossed the pants over the side of the bed to join the other pair, and then slid Erwin down onto his lap. They were naked, save for the dorky old man socks still on Nile’s feet. That made Erwin smile. He lifted Nile’s hands and put them on his stomach. Nile slid them around to Erwin’s back and pulled him down. Erwin pushed his face into Nile’s neck.

“Why did you leave halfway through my wedding?” Nile asked. Erwin was surprised his friend hadn’t figured the answer out to that one. Or maybe he had, but just wanted to hear him say it.

“Because I couldn’t stop crying.” Erwin said. “And how would that have looked in all your wedding pictures?”

Nile’s fingers were tracing vague shapes on Erwin’s back.

“I made you cry?”

The fingers paused, waiting for a response. And because it was Nile asking, Erwin decided to give him the memory.

“I freaked myself out, actually. I didn’t realize I was doing it until this little old lady passed by and pointed it out to me. I think she was one of your great aunts. She said. ‘You’re crying, you know.’ Isn’t that a strange thing to say to someone?”

Nile’s hand was flat against Erwin’s back now, listening.

“I guess she realized I was really out of it,” Erwin continued. “I didn’t remember sitting down. I didn’t remember getting the drink I was holding in my hand, or the empty glass next to me. I thought I was still sitting on the church pew watching you finish your wedding vows. When she spoke to me I raised my hand to my face and found it wet. But my shirt was also wet. I must have been crying for some time, and I hadn’t noticed anything.”

The hand on his back tightened. That was good. Erwin wanted to be held tighter.

“I went to the bathroom and stared in the mirror but it just wouldn’t stop. Even after I became aware of it. There were no sounds. I wasn’t sobbing. That was the strangest part. I felt calm, almost like being asleep, but less peaceful. And still the tears dripped. I remember touching my hand to my mouth to make sure they were really tears. I don’t know what else they could have been. But once I did that the taste of salt wouldn’t go away either. Someone else walked into the bathroom and I turned to them and grabbed their arm and asked, ‘Is this normal?’”

Erwin chuckled, not because the memory was funny, but because after all this time it should have been funny even if it wasn’t.

“He was okay with me grabbing him like that. I’d learn later that it would take a lot more to freak him out. He asked, ‘Are you in love with the bride?’ The question seemed so foreign to me that I just stared at him for a while until I finally understood. ‘No,’ I told him. ‘Do you think it’s a bad match?’ he asked next. ‘Not at all,’ I said. ‘She’s very good for him.’ And still the tears were dripping. They kept coming at a constant rate. That’s what creeped me out the most. Nothing could increase or decrease their flow. They were too regular. The only things that flow like that are leaky faucets. And as stupid as it sounds, I knew there was a hole in me somewhere, and I didn’t know how to fix it. ‘He’s my best friend,’ I told the stranger. ‘He’s the only one who can handle me. I’m too twisted for anyone else, but he helps me fix it. What’ll I do if he’s no longer there to fix me?”

Erwin closed his eyes. He remembered the hands from his memory, and how it was back then, on that first day, that he first felt them wrap around himself. That feeling of being totally encompassed was exactly what he’d needed. But what he’d liked most was that the man who’d still been a stranger at that point hadn’t tried to give him any of the easy answers like “You don’t need anyone to fix you,” or “You’ll find someone else.” He hadn’t said anything. He’d just held onto Erwin until the tears stopped. It had taken a long time, but he hadn’t been in a rush.

Nile’s hand moved to Erwin’s hair.

“So that’s how you met Mike?” Nile asked.

Erwin nodded. He felt like he’d already used up all his words. Talking about Mike, even without mentioning his name, took so much effort. He had to drag the words out as they scraped along his throat.

_It’s already been almost a year. Why can’t I say his name even after a year?_

Nile pushed Erwin onto his back and took the bottle of lube from him. Erwin forgot he’d been holding it.

“It’s all right,” Nile said. He pulled off the cap. “You don’t have to say anything else.”

_How does he always know what I’m thinking?_

Erwin took the bottle back and squirted some onto his fingers. He pulled Nile down, and reached behind him to find his opening. His friend’s gasp was quiet, and hidden in the skin of his neck as Erwin pushed the first finger in.

Erwin knew that Nile wasn’t actually psychic. He couldn’t read Erwin’s mind like the text of a book. But he also knew that there were other ways to read a person. Ways that took time, and knowledge and careful observation. Nile had spent more time with Erwin than anyone else ever had, and he’d learned him so well that Erwin knew that even if he tried he wouldn’t be able to hide anything from the man. The thought would have terrified him in connection to anyone else, but he didn’t have to worry. Not so long as Nile hadn’t given up on him.

***

Nile’s fingers brushed the hair back from Erwin’s forehead as he peered down to get a look at his face.

“I’m not sleeping,” Erwin said, but the truth was he was barely hanging onto consciousness. He didn’t know why he found the motions of a moving car so soothing, but it had been that way for as long as he could remember.

“Maybe now you aren’t, but you will be in the next 10 seconds,” Nile said. Erwin would have gotten annoyed at the confidence in the prediction if his friend hadn’t been so spot on.

“I found him only two years before turning forty,” Erwin said. “Isn’t that weird?”

Nile ruffled Erwin’s hair. “Good thing too. I wouldn’t have wanted to divorce the mother of my children just to marry your stupid ass because of a drunken promise.”

“I wonder if Levi’s prostate will be as sensitive as yours,” Erwin muttered.

That earned him a flick on his ear.

“Asshole,” Nile said.

Erwin closed his eyes and let himself slip down until his head was in his friend’s lap.

“I need to finish putting everything away,” Erwin said. His voice was even more muffled now that his face was planted in Nile’s pants’ leg. “And then scrub the floors. He actually likes being barefoot, you know that? But the floors have to be clean enough. Do you think there’s such a think as dirt repellant tiles? I should look into it. Oh, and get little booties for Desmond. Maybe then Levi won’t freak out as much if he decides to land on his face again. Do you think they sell lizard booties at Petco?”

“You should just shut up and think about it when you wake up,” Nile groaned. “You’re talking nonsense.”

“I just want everything to be perfect. I owe it to Levi to give him a perfect home after everything I’ve put him through.”

“You owe it to yourself to stop worrying and take a nap.”

Erwin rolled his eyes, even though the lids were closed. “All right, mom.”

“Don’t accuse me of being that batshit psycho nut.”

“Aren’t those the three words for crazy that psychiatrists aren’t allowed to use?”

“She’s an exception.”

“Disrespecting the dead too. You’re going all out today.”

“To hell with that. If she’s six feet under she has a harder time hurting you.”

Erwin kissed Nile’s knee. It was the closest thing in reach.

“What was that for?” Nile asked in the grumpiest manner possible.

“Never change,” Erwin said.

The car was all smooth highway and steady hissing as rain began to pound on the roof. Erwin felt himself being pulled away.

“Change is part of the human condition,” Nile said. “In every situation we become different people.

But Erwin didn’t hear him. He was already somewhere else….a pity because where he was headed the words would have proven useful.

***

Fire shot through Erwin’s shoulder and into his chest where it strangled him awake. He opened his eyes with a gasp that sent a shockwave of pain into his shoulder. The pain was too harsh for coherent thought, so only a jumbled string of shocked curses and general confusion characterized those first few seconds before his eyes finally began to see.

He was outside and he was moving—moving fast. But the ground wasn’t level. Every couple of seconds the surface he was lying on would jump and his shoulder would scream. A strangled hiss ripped passed his lips as he forced his head to pull up to get a look around. It immediately became clear why the road was so bumpy. It was because there was no road. He was out in a huge open space where there was nothing but dirt, grass, and trees for miles. Also horses, and riders. He’d never seen this many horses all gathered together. Not even at the horse farm his father had taken him to as a child. But what made him jerk up, despite the explosive burst of pain, was the symbol slapped on the cloak and jacket of every rider in sight. Erwin recognized the symbol. It was the same one he’d gotten tattooed onto his hip. He’d stared at it long enough to recognize it anywhere. Two wings—one white and one blue inlaid on a grey shield.

It made no sense that he’d see it here, in reality. But it didn’t feel like reality. He’d never seen anyone ride a horse so purposefully before. These men and women were flying, bodies bent low to the necks of their horses in an attempt to shoot forward as fast as possible. Their faces were gripped with many emotions but the predominant ones were fear and panic. He’d never seen so much widespread panic in a group of adults before. He’d seen it on patient’s faces before, but even then they would often calm down under his care. But these weren’t the faces of people that could be calmed. There was danger in the air, real and immediate, and it weighed on Erwin’s senses despite the pain that was threatening to erode everything.

Pain. Pain. Why was everything pain? Erwin’s fascination with his tattoo come to life couldn’t distract him forever. Eventually his eyes were drawn down. Away from the fluttering symbol of terrified freedom, to the source of his pain. His right arm, or rather, the place where his right arm used to be.

Erwin’s breath froze. Everything was forgotten. There was only a rip in the fabric of his mind. His arm. He could think only about where it could be if it wasn’t attached to him. He wasn’t a man to lose things, and this…

_How can I be missing an arm if I never experienced losing it?_

The pain made sense. Of course it did. But the shock proved to be a temporary but all-powerful anesthetic. Erwin had felt empty before. He’d even felt like his insides had been ripped from him. But no sorrow he had faced could be so clearly felt as an arm that was actually missing. His right arm. His most useful limb, and the one he’d have sacrificed all others to protect: gone.

Loss, unprepared for, hit him in the chest and caused his head to fall back and clunk against hard unsanded wood. He was riding in a wagon going at full speed toward an unknown destination, surrounded on all sides by terrified riders, but he couldn’t call forward curiosity for any of it, because what did it matter when his arm was missing?

_Why don’t I have it?_

He needed to know. Panic was clawing at his chest with that need. Because if arms could just disappear out of nowhere and leave leaking and ragged stumps behind, then couldn’t his other limbs just as easily disappear? What was to stop the world from taking everything from him?

“Erwin!”

The voice was too familiar to forget, even with his shock. A body dropped to its knees beside his head and pressed a fresh wad of cotton to the stump of his arm. Fire shot through him, sharper and deadlier than the others he’d been wracked him. A shocked cry escaped him, and he had to grind down hard on his molars to keep himself from breaking down into a blubbering mess.

“Jesus _Christ_ Hanji. What the hell are you—“

“Don’t move! You swore you wouldn’t move. Are you trying to die?”

He didn’t know how, but anger managed to flare up in him despite his horror at everything.

“Where’s my arm?” he demanded, ignoring her question as he pressed his rage into her with his eyes. She too was wearing the familiar symbol, but she was also wearing one of the strangest outfits Erwin had ever seen. Her shirt and pants were crisscrossed with leather straps that connected to absurd and unwieldy rectangular boxes on her hips. Her usual glasses had been replaced by goggle looking things, and an ineffectual little crop jacket barely made it to the middle of her chest.

She stared at him with wide eyes, but didn’t dare move her hands from the stump. “You don’t remember?” she asked.

The pain had to be feeding the anger, because he didn’t know how else to explain the madness of the rage he felt.

“Would I be asking if I did?” he snapped. “Where the fuck is it?”

“A titan ate it. You were rescuing Eren, and a Titan bit it clean off. I’m so sorry, Erwin. I failed you. I couldn’t get to you in time. None of us could.”

None of the words she was saying were making sense. He didn’t know what she meant by Titan. If it was the name of something it had to be huge in order to bite off an arm. The only familiar word was “Eren,” but what the hell would his former patient be doing out here where the air reeked of fear and blood?

He tried to sit up, but Hanji restrained him. In his current state he was in no shape to overpower her.

“Why am I here? What’s going on?”

His eyes finally found the rest of the cart and he noted large things rolled in cotton stained with large patches of red.

“And are those _corpses_?”

Hanji bit her lip. Her eyes were wet, and there was panic in them, but he watched her swallow the lump in her throat to get her words out.

“Listen to me. It looks like your injury, and the heavy blood loss have affected your memory, and I don’t know how much you remember, but you are Erwin Smith, Commander of the Survey Corps. You were injured rescuing Eren from the Titan shifting traitors, sacrificing your arm to save his life. We managed to retreat, but many were lost in the mission, and damn it, if you die on us too then I’ll kick your ass before even Levi has a chance to do it.

The name was the magic word. Surprise replaced anger as he realized there was so much more to this situation than a missing arm.

“Levi,” he breathed. “Levi is here?”

A wave of relief caused the panic in Hanji’s eyes to recede to safer levels. “No,” she said. “He’s back at the base. You made him stay behind because of his injury.”

“Levi’s injured?”

Fear clamped his ribs down over his heart. If Erwin could lose an arm and be out here, then what kind of injury had Levi suffered without him?

“Yes. He shattered his leg fighting the Female Titan. But don’t worry about him. He’s on his way to healing. Worry about yourself, and stop moving already, before you spill every last drop of blood you have left.”

“Who else is hurt? How many?”

The pain was helping Erwin focus now. He didn’t have enough context to the situation he was in now. None of it was connected to his life. Nothing seemed real, and maybe it wasn’t. The best explanation for what was happening was some kind of dream state. Nothing else could seem to explain the total disconnect between what seemed to be two different worlds. But the pain was too sharp to allow him to rest easy. No dream had ever managed to shake him like a death rattle to the senses. And if there was a possibility that his pain was real, then that possibility would extend to everyone else’s.

“We won’t get a clean count until we’ve gotten through the gates, but estimates are grim. We’ve easily lost thirty maybe forty percent of the rescue squad. But Erwin, you shouldn’t be talking. You should be limiting every non-essential task possible.”

But talking was essential, she had to see that, because gathering information was the only way he’d ever learned to deal with situations. He needed someone to lay out the facts, and if she wouldn’t do it, then he needed someone else. Someone who never refused him if he pushed hard enough.

“Where’s Nile?” he asked. “Is he here? Who that I know is here?”

Hanji’s look was strange and her panic was returning.

“Nile? Why do you want him?”

_Why_ wouldn’t _I want my best friend, and the most level headed person I know in a crisis like this_?

Hanji was making no sense, but nothing about this situation did. But if the rules were flipped around here, then maybe he could take a chance and—

“Mike. What about Mike?”

His stomach flipped over. He couldn’t allow himself to hope, but if Mike was alive then giving his right arm would be worth it, and any pain that brought with it could be tripled or quadrupled for all he cared. If only he—“

“He’s dead, Erwin. So is Levi’s squad. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. But you can’t afford to dwell on that right now. You have to—“

“Levi’s squad?”

“Erd, Gunther, Auruo, and Petra.”

The words fell from her lips, but the world didn’t stop. Erwin knew that tragedy wasn’t a new concept, but this world he’d woken up to was even more brutal than the one he’d been beaten with all his life. But right now the sorrow couldn’t hit him, because his friend’s pain had to be more.

“Your wife,” he breathed and reached out his only remaining hand. “Your Petra. When did this—“

“Stop talking. You’re delirious.”

Hanji’s voice was chainmail now, and it looked like she was ready to use force to get him to listen.

“You have to tell me. This world we’re in. Is this real? Is this how things are going to be from now on? How are we supposed to—“

“Another word and I’ll find one of your pressure points and knock you out,” she said. She was wrapping more gauze around his wound, but red patches were still leaking through.

But Erwin couldn’t afford to be silent. Unconscious, he’d lose all ability to understand. He didn’t recognize the people around him. As far as he knew Hanji was the only familiar face among them. But he wouldn’t know because he could only really see a couple of the faces, the rest were facing forward as they charged and charged, the earth shaking with the thunder of hoof beats. And all that thunder was ripping Erwin’s seams apart. The pain took over completely. Without words and questions even his thirst to understand couldn’t provide any sort of distraction. He was dizzy. It wasn’t just the motion of the carriage that was making everything swing crazily. The edges of his vision were going black. He was going to pass out, and soon, and Erwin knew by the blood smeared onto the wood, his clothes, and Hanji, that if he blacked out now he would probably never wake up again.

_I’m going to die._

He tried the words out in his mind and felt a backlash of rejection.

_But I can’t. I never even apologized to him. My words were so cruel. I have to tell him how much I hated to say them. I have to tell him I was wrong._

In front of him there was a shout. It wasn’t clear at first, but the cry spread, and was eventually taken up by those surrounding him. “ _The gate_ ,” the riders were saying. “ _The gate’s in sight_.”

Erwin’s eyes jerked back to Hanji. She’d said something about the gate. It was important, and Erwin figured it meant safety.

_If I get past there will I see everyone else? Will I see him?_

It seemed too good to be true, but Erwin had to hope for something in the world he was in, or he’d die with only the taste of cruelty on his tongue. The thunder surrounding him increased. Everyone was putting on a burst of speed to clear the final hurdle. But then there was more, sounds of chaos and shouting. He couldn’t raise his head to check it out, and he couldn’t ask Hanji what was going on because she’d probably yell at him to shut up. But he didn’t have to wait too long to find out. The noises got louder, and closer, and finally Erwin was able to differentiate. There was a single rider coming closer who’s horses footsteps were so fast they were almost a constant staccato beat.

“Hanji!”

The voice was hoarse, badly so. As if someone had taken a grater to the sensitive skin at the back of the throat and shredded until there was nothing left. But Erwin recognized the voice. He’d been waiting for it for so long.

He tried to lift himself, but even his good arm felt numb. He couldn’t feel his body anymore. It had become useless. His brain was becoming useless too, small and foggy, but the sound of Levi’s voice was enough to help him fire a little focus into himself. He twisted his head in the direction of the sound. It was the most he could do. And his mind and chest thrummed with impatience and the need to see the man he’d missed enough to drive him crazy with it.

Hanji’s head jerked up, but she didn’t let go of Erwin.

“Levi! What are you doing? You’re supposed to be—“

“Erwin!” Levi cut off his dear friend with a choked out plea. “Where’s Erwin? His horse…I passed his horse. It’s empty. Why is it empty? Where’s Erwin?”

Erwin had never heard Levi this distraught. Even when the man had been having germ attacks, he hadn’t sounded like he’d lost everything. The tone made him forget his own panic over his arm and his dead friends. Levi’s pain was more immediate than that, and he had to clear it as fast as he could.

He called out, or at least, he tried to. The sound that actually left him was more of a hoarse cry, but he tried to make it sound like Levi’s name. He needn’t have worried about getting the man’s attention. Levi jerked his head over and found Erwin in the crowd. His eyes blew out and flashed with the kind of brilliance that often made Erwin wonder if Levi’s irises were real silver. And then Levi shot forward, his horse streaking through the others without a care for the formation he was disrupting. Despite the panic, he was stunning. With his hair and cloak whipped back, Erwin could see the tautness of every muscle and string inside Levi, the sharpness of his eyes and face, and it all entered Erwin and resounded with a deep answering love that he’d recognize in any world no matter how strange. Erwin called out again, and this time the name was more recognizable. Levi drew up alongside the cart, murmured something to his horse and then swung off of it, using his arms as hurdles. For one fraction of a moment Levi was airborne, and with the way his cloak billowed out with the flashing wings on the back, Erwin was convinced for a moment that the man could actually fly. But then Levi fell into the cart, breaking his fall with a roll that put him only a couple of feet from Erwin. Levi scrambled up, using his arms mostly, and threw himself forward. Erwin was already reaching, using whatever strength remained to raise his hand, but Levi stopped right before him, panic flooded across his face, and Erwin knew that the man was fighting the urge to touch when everything looked like it hurt.

“Erwin…”

The word couldn’t be relief, Erwin was too deeply wounded for that, but the name was recognition on Levi’s tongue, and it meant _I found you. I’m here, and I found you._ Erwin raised his hand higher. He could almost touch Levi, but that wasn’t enough.

“I’m sorry,” Erwin said, his voice bleeding. “I didn’t mean to…I shouldn’t have—“

“Don’t talk,” Levi said. His fingers found Erwin’s face and neck. “You shouldn’t speak now. You’re so hurt…”

His voice broke on the last word, and Erwin saw how Levi’s face cracked, pain shredding everything. And what struck Erwin was that Levi didn’t try to mask it. He wouldn’t tear his eyes from Erwin, and that meant no hiding.

Hanji moved away. She’d finished wrapping Erwin’s wound. Levi took her place. He didn’t dare touch Erwin’s stump, but his eyes held it, and mourned it, and…

Erwin was startled into motion when the tears began to fall. They were silent things, but they hurt and refused to heal. Erwin wanted to brush them away, but when he raised his hand, Levi took it in his own.

“Come, Levi,” Erwin said, trying to keep his voice soft enough to keep pain away. “Don’t cry for this. We’re together again, aren’t we?”

Levi looked confused, but then he touched his face and pulled away wet fingers. He looked at them for a moment, and then back to Erwin.

“You will live,” Levi said. It was a demand, and with it Erwin heard a partial return of the gruffness he so knew and loved. “I won’t accept anything else.”

“On my honor,” Erwin said. “I swear it.”

It wasn’t an empty promise. He wouldn’t tarnish his record by lying to Levi now. He hadn’t been sure before, but he could live if it meant Levi wouldn’t cry again. He could force himself to live for a lot less than that.

Something cleared from Levi’s eyes, though the tears were still there. Maybe Levi was blinded by them, because when his lips found Erwin’s face they were jumbled and everywhere, and Erwin had to press his hand to Levi’s cheek to still him long enough to find his lips. They tasted of salt, but Levi’s love was deeper and sweeter and released the ache in Erwin’s chest even as it deepened it.

“I needed you,” Erwin said, when Levi pulled away too soon. “I’ll need you always.”

“You need no one,” Levi said, and he was staunch in that belief, even if Erwin wasn’t. “But I’ll replace the right hand I should have been there to save.”

He held Erwin’s remaining hand and brought it to his lips with unmeasurable tenderness. “Everything of mine belongs to you.”

“No,” Erwin said. He remembered what he’d needed to say. “You have to be free. That’s all I ever wanted. To see you fly, to see you break the shadows. Everything that’s hunted you to be gone forever.”

“Idiot,” Levi said, and even managed to sound pissed off. He pulled his cloak off his shoulders and carefully draped it over Erwin. “I can’t be free unless I’m by your side. How many times do I have to say that already?”

Erwin wanted his arm back. He needed it to pull the other man to him. And Levi saw that in his eyes, but he didn’t relent. He still had something to say.

“Don’t you ever force me to leave your side again,” Levi said. His resolve was steel, even though his heart wept through his eyes. “This is where I belong. No matter where you go I’ll find you, and I’ll find my place. Don’t you try to keep us apart.”

 Of course. Forcing them apart would only ever bring pain like this. He had to fix it. Immediately.

“I won’t,” Erwin said. “I don’t make the same mistake twice.”

Levi’s relief smoothed out his face. He would always look younger than his years. He swiped the tears away with his sleeve just as the wagon passed through the gates.

Hanji leapt to her feet and began to shout orders, but Levi stayed down beside Erwin.

_I managed to tell him._

He felt his body expanding, melting into the air as his brain let go. They were through the gates, and Levi was with him. They’d all crossed through the danger now. He could feel the fear drop out of the air.

Erwin grabbed Levi’s sleeve. He needed Levi’s eyes to find him for his next words, and they did. Erwin stared into the silver and wondered how some people had the power to make broken things whole.

“I love you,” Erwin said, making sure his pain and exhaustion didn’t distort the words. “That will never change. And I hope, with everything I still have, that I’ll never hurt you.”

Levi didn’t smile. He couldn’t. Not when Erwin was still so close to dying. But his mouth gave the promise of one. He touched Erwin’s lips with his knuckles. “Live,” he breathed. “with everything you have.”

And Erwin understood, at least he thought he did. His eyes closed and he felt himself being swept back, away from a cruel world where love was so necessary for survival. He could still taste the salt on his lips, and as everything faded he hoped he would remember what he had to do.

\--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jesus Christ my brain hurts from writing this chapter. Flashing back and forward through time is not good for my sanity. Yes I realized i put two very different flashbacks in this chapter, the one with Nile, ad the reincarnation dream, and I know that wasn't very wise, but I did it anyway I hope it wasn't too confusing to read. If anyone is lost message me and I'll explain. Anyway, lets talk about Nile, who is so SO important dear CHRIST. i was trying to showcase a parallel here. I very much believe in deep platonic love, and yes, it got very gay and crossed the line of platonic some in this chapter, but i wanted to show that nile to erwin is like hanji is to Levi.   
> I hope my dear readers forgive me for the wait. I'm still working my ass off and finding whatever free time I can to write about the old man homos. thank you all for sticking with this story even though it's been such a long ride. Strap in for the next chapter, it's going to be a big one. (also we're going to be going back to Levi's POV which i've missed quite a lot. Let's just hope I can make the transition smoothly.)


	26. Chapter 26

Chapter 26:

Levi braced himself, and then lowered the temperature of the shower even more. The spray, lukewarm by average standards, seemed freezing to him, as he was used to stepping out of a shower, raw and cherry red from scalding hot water. The hotter, the better, had always been his motto when it came to killing germs. A cold shower was useless. Cold water didn’t cleanse, and it had always left him with the crawling sensation of germs--millions of invisible enemies--crawling and burrowing into his flesh, trying to find vulnerabilities.

Levi let the water run over him for sixty seconds longer before shutting it off. He’d only scrubbed his body once, and he’d been in the bathroom for less than fifteen minutes--a new record. He smiled.

_I’m a motherfucking champion._

He let himself have that thought. He didn’t try to alter it, or degrade it with all the reasons that he couldn’t possibly be a champion, like the fact that he still brushed his teeth every six hours like clockwork, or that he couldn’t use a public restroom without wearing latex gloves. He was working on those things, and he’d get there eventually. That was the best part--that he was _sure_ of his ability to make progress. There was nothing quite like that feeling of hope, and it was completely different than the rush any addictive substance could give.

Levi stepped out of the shower and onto the new fluffy bath mat he’d bought earlier on in the week. he’d never owned a bath mat before (too many potential germs in an object that couldn’t be scrubbed down with ammonia and lysol) but now he knew there was no going back. His toes were just too damn comfortable. He still hadn’t lifted his ban on shower curtains, though. He couldn’t see a point to them. The flimsy sheets of plastic were a true germ paradise that served no function in Levi’s mind. If someone wanted to come into the bathroom just to gaze upon his nakedness, then they could go ahead for all Levi cared. Shower curtains were pointless, and he wasn’t going to have one in his home. Well, _home_ was a little too warm of a word for Levi’s apartment. It was a place to crash, and that’s it. He’d never bothered decorating it, not even after he’d returned from the center and things were no longer solely judged by how difficult they were to clean. The place just didn’t feel like a home. He’d thought about moving several times, but there was just no point to that before the thirty days were up. He’d been trying to hold off on making big decisions before that allowable time frame ended, but that hadn’t worked out very well. In the 24 days that he’d been waiting for Erwin to call, Levi had quit his job, started a new one, rented out a large space for regular training, and brought many teenagers into his life where previously there’d been none. He hadn’t even spaced out all those decisions. They’d happened in the span of two days--the first two days. He’d spent the night after leaving Erwin in Hanji’s arms. She’d held tight to him, and Petra had held tight to her. He’d fallen asleep to the feeling of his hair being stroked, and the two most important women in his life promising him that _no_ they weren’t going to break up, never in a million years, and that they were going to be gayer than they ever had been before and were even thinking about having a baby together. That had calmed Levi down a lot. The thought of a little runt with Hanji’s dna running around was enough to scare him into almost maybe forgetting about Erwin for half a second. The news had been huge, and when he’d woken up the next morning he’d felt refreshed, and burdened with a sense of purpose. If he was going to be an uncle of sorts, then he had to start acting like one. He stormed into the office that morning by kicking the door open and shouting, “I’m back fuckers, now let me see the shiton of paperwork you let pile up in my inbox in the two months I’ve been gone.” The entrance was meant to be dramatic, fulfilling, even, but he’d been the most surprised one of the bunch, because when he’d walked into his office at _BranchingTalents_ he’d found Pixis lined up in front of a mini golf course, putter in hand, while Levi’s desk was nowhere in sight. Levi had been surprised, and then furious, and then he’d started to yell. Pixis had paid it no mind. He was used to his employees yelling at him, and instead he’d clapped Levi on the back and welcomed him back. “I’m not back, I’m leaving,” Levi yelled, and stormed from the room. Pixis had roared with laughter, but Levi had been serious. Standing in the middle of the office in business attire he hadn’t donned in months, he’d had a revelation. _What am I doing here?_ he’d thought. And he’d known the answer: nothing. That’s when he’d turned around and walked right out. He’d shouted over his shoulder that he’d call later, but that was the only courtesy he’d given. His mind was working furiously, set on fire for the first time in years. Erwin had made him feel alive, worthwhile, and that was probably why the thought of doing anything less than what he loved so inherently repulsive that he couldn’t imagine doing it for another minute more. He’d stepped into the first gym he saw and asked the receptionist where he could find training grounds available for rent. He’d taken a taxi to the address she’d given him, because his feverish mind was too frenzied to try and begin scouting out directions. When he walked in he fell in love. He still didn’t know why. The bare wood paneling full of empty space hadn’t seemed like much, but on that day so much had felt like a promise. He’d signed a lease on the place and called up an acquaintance named Chet he’d known from his god-awful _Ackerslay_ days to deal with the business side of things. He was going to go back to martial arts, back to the simple love of hard work and sweat and a pounding heart that proved to him just how alive he was. And he was going to do that by taking a step back and becoming a teacher. He’d never liked the spotlight. Too bright, unnecessary. He just wanted to move, feel his body following his mind in a simple dance that was more instinctive than thought. He’d had the first thoughts of becoming a teacher planted in his head back in the center, and Reiner had put them there.

Levi smiled, and began to towel off his hair. He’d taken a liking to the oversexed blonde that first day he’d met him, and his fondness had only gone up since then. Reiner had the blunt honesty that Levi always looked for, but so rarely found in others, and he was tough, which meant he could handle Levi’s personality (also a rarity). But it was the third trait that caused Levi to call the blonde up that first day to have a sparring session in his brand new space. It was because Reiner was kind. He had a big gay heart, and a mouth always ready to laugh, especially at the corniest of jokes, and Levi was finally starting to learn that he should let kindness into his life.

Levi wrapped the towel around his waist. He heard someone speaking in the other room. Chet. Levi had asked the man to come over to talk. The truth was that Levi was going to get rid of the guy, but he wasn’t quite sure how. He’d brought Chet in because he hadn’t known anything about starting out as a teacher despite several years working with a company that specialized in getting new names out into the field. He wanted someone to help him, but he’d quickly learned that Chet was not going to be that person. And the more he realized that Chet was wrong, the more he realized that Reiner would actually be perfect. At this point every time that Chet opened his mouth Levi wanted to tell him to shut up and get Reiner. The problem with that (other than being horrifically rude) was that Reiner had expressed his doubts. Levi had gone to him earlier in the week with his proposition, and though he had been flattered, Reiner had warned him that he doubted his abilities. Because even though he had a degree in business finance, he knew nothing about martial arts, or any kind of sophisticated form of gym training. But Levi had seen the glimmer of interest in the blonde’s eye, and he also happened to know that Reiner was looking into schools that offered a masters degree in fitness. (Bertholdt had pulled Levi over after he’d spoken to Reiner to tell him.)

_I can teach him everything he needs to know_ , Levi thought. And the thought was a happy one. It had been a while since he’d felt confident in his abilities. He’d always been cut out for physical activity, but giving over that knowledge to others was a different matter.

_I wonder what Erwin would think._

That thought was both happy and sad, but mostly it was wistful. He missed Erwin deeply. At first the feeling had sliced through him, leaving him raw and hopeless about getting himself back together. But others had helped, and Levi had helped himself to see that with or without Erwin he had to get himself together. He owed it to both of them. Erwin had put everything he had into helping Levi get back on his feet, the least he could do for the man was show him that the effort hadn’t been in vain.

Levi sighed and pushed wet hair off his face. He still hadn’t cut it. It was stupid. It was getting so long, but every time he thought of bringing a scissor to it he would remember the feeling of Erwin’s fingers twisting it, strong yet gentle, and the urge would fade. He was still shaving the back of his neck, but he’d let the top grow out. It had gotten to the point that whenever he was working out he had to tie the hair back with a small elastic. Chet had rolled his eyes the first time he’d seen it, but Hanji had liked the look. _“I can see more of your face this way,_ ” she’d said. And Levi had liked that. He was tired of hiding.

Thinking of Hanji always made his chest warm, thinking of Chet did not, and Levi had to suppress his groan at the thought of leaving the bathroom to face the man. This was it. He was going to tell the man that their partnership was over. The problem was finding the words.

Levi spent the next twenty minutes procrastinating. He told himself that he was planning his speech, but really he was doing everything he could not to go out there. He combed his hair, brushed his teeth, flossed, scrubbed and cut both his fingernails and toenails, and cleaned once again inside his belly button for good measure. Finally he ran out of things to do and had to admit that he was stalling. It looked like he’d just have to rely on his usual method of operation: winging it.

Levi took a deep breath, and pushed open the door, his hand tightly securing the towel on his waist. As much as people liked to accuse him of being sour and antagonizing, Levi wasn’t actually a confrontational person, and since he so often said things that came out all wrong, he was generally nervous about trying to express himself. There were people who were exceptions to this, of course, but Chet wasn’t one of them.

Levi walked down the hall. He hadn’t scrubbed the floors yet today, but he told himself that that didn’t matter as he moved forward, leaving wet footprints on the bare wood. His germ phobia acted up when he was nervous, but Levi didn’t have to worry. This anxiety was nothing like how it had been when his precious shield had been ripped away from him. That time he hadn’t even had a moment to compose or prepare himself. But he’d survived it, and he would keep surviving. That was what Ackermans were good at, he decided. He saw it in Mikasa, who he had taken on as an apprentice, and he felt it in himself. But it was more than surviving. Levi was learning to thrive even when it looked like nothing wanted him too.

Levi entered the bedroom. Chet was looking in the mirror. It was a floor length one that Levi had always used to carefully check his body for germs. He’d hardly used it in the past month. Chet saw Levi reflected in the mirror and swiveled around.

“Took you long enough,” he said. “I was worried you’d drowned yourself.”

_Couldn’t have been that worried,_ Levi thought, _or you wouldn’t be snooping through my bedroom._

Three months ago if anyone but Hanji had stepped foot into the space--his safe haven and a germ free zone--he would have been thrown into a full on panic attack. Now he merely bristled at the invasion of his privacy.

Levi turned his back on Chet and went to his dresser. He dropped his towel and pulled on a pair of boxer briefs. He’d always loved the idea of boxer briefs. There was nothing dangly or stupid looking about them, unlike boxers, which made him look even more like a teenager. He’d had to stick to boxers, though, because they didn’t trap germs against his skin. But he’d thrown out nearly all of his boxer shorts two weeks ago, and, Levi was certain, he was _never_ going back.

“You have some weird friends,” Chet said. He hadn’t been thrown by Levi’s nudity. Most weren’t. Erwin had been the first man to ever avert his eyes. He’d also been the first to make Levi feel beautiful, and like his skin had to be something earned.

“Aren’t you used to them by now?” Levi said. He had to remind himself not to get pissed off. It was hard because when Chet said “weird” it didn’t sound affectionate, like when Levi used it. Levi crossed to his closet and pulled down a linen shirt, crisp and black. Black was a power color, and his favorite.

“Well this guy was a new kind of weird,” Chet said. He scratched his head as he spoke, and Levi added a new item to the list of “reasons I’m replacing Chet:” Dandruff. “He had a weird sounding name too.”

Alarm bells, or a sound very close to them, clanged through Levi and stiffened his fists.

“What?”

The voice sounded far away even though it was coming from his own chest.

“Oh. Your phone was ringing.” Chet made a vague motion with his hands. “So I answered it.”

Levi’s mind shot right past the touching-his-phone issue and screeched to a halt by the all-important question.

“Who was it?”

“What?”

Chet’s face reflected none of the panic that had shot to the surface of Levi’s.

“The phone! Who was on the phone!”

But Levi already knew the answer. Of course _he_ had to call the one time Levi hadn’t remembered to take his phone into the bathroom. Of course he would choose that moment. Of-fucking-course. Levi was torn between the urge to scream, and wild hysterical laughter. He chose neither, and instead ripped across the room, and grabbed Chet’s arm. By the pain in the man’s face, Levi was squeezing too hard, but knowing that didn’t make him let go.

“The man’s name!” he shouted, astounded that Chet could remain silent when every passing second was agony. “What was his fucking name!”

But it didn’t matter what Chet would say. Levi had to see for himself. His hunting eyes found the phone atop of his dresser, and he lunged for it. His freshly cut nails gouged into the wood, but he didn’t feel the objection in his fingers as he raised the screen to his face. Desperate motions brought the call log up to his eyes, and then it was there. The name he’d been waiting twenty four days for. Levi bit his lip to stop the sound that threatened to punch out of him, but it came out anyway, a stuttered moan that was all relief. His eyes bored holes into the screen, but the name didn’t disappear. Erwin Albert.

“Hey. You’re not crying, are you?”

Levi had forgotten Chet’s existence, but now realized it again with roaring importance. He grabbed hold of the man again, and Chet looked none too happy about it.

“Tell me everything,” Levi snapped out. “Every word, exactly how it was said. I need an exact transcript, and if you paraphrase anything I swear I’ll rip your goddamn head off.”

The sentence was harsh, but not as harsh as it could have been. Levi had barely been able to stop himself from tacking on the words “ _And shove it up your asshole where it belongs”_ at the end.

“Tell me!” he shouted, and gave Chet a rough shake for good measure. That finally did it. The man started talking.

“Hey, don’t yell at me. _He_ was the weirdo. He called. I saw your phone buzzing, but let it be, since it’s your phone, but then he called _again_. So I figured, ‘hey this might be important,’ so I picked up. I was trying to be a good friend, mind you—“

“Chet.” Levi was shaking from holding back the urge to clock the other man in the jaw. “I don’t give a fuck. What did he _say_?”

“Well I said ‘Hello.’ Like any sane person at the beginning of a phone call. But he answered. “You’re not Levi,” all strained and weird sounding, and I already knew that he was going to be—“

“Chet!”

“Right. Okay. So I answered, ‘No, I’m not.’ Because what the hell was I supposed to say? And then he says, ‘Can you put him on the phone?’ and I say no. And he says, ‘It’s important.’ And that’s when he starts to piss me off, because I can tell from his tone that he already doesn’t like me, and I just want to say, ‘Hey, the feeling is mutual, buddy.’ But I’m trying to be the better person here, so instead, I say, ‘He’s not available. You’ll just have to wait.’ And you’d think that most people would find that reasonable, but no, he has to be all pushy, and asks, ‘I’m almost certain that he would want to talk to me now, no matter what he’s doing. Please put him on.’ Can you believe this guy? I’ve never even heard of him, so he can’t be that important, but he thinks he knows what you would want. Honestly, the nerve of it all made me want to hang up in his face, but—“

“What did you answer?”

Levi’s teeth were in a tight line. The stress induced by Chet’s meandering banality was setting his brain on fire. It was only the urgency in his need to know that was keeping him from throwing Chet out of his apartment. His stomach was twisting too much, he was going to be sick, but first he had to hear the rest of the story.

Chet clicked his tongue at what he obviously judged to be a distasteful memory. “I said, ‘Well actually, Levi hates being interrupted when he’s showering, especially when he has to clean up after all that—“

Levi choked, and his eyes must have bulged enough that it stopped Chet’s story and changed his words to those of concern. “Levi, are you—“

“That’s what you said? Those words _exactly_?”

“Um, I—“

“’Cleaning up after _all that_ ’?”

“Yeah. I think so.”

Levi had a feeling things were going to get even worse.

“And what did he say?”

“Nothing really,” Chet said. “He asked me who I was then, and if I was a friend of yours. And that felt particularly nosy, so I thought _fuck this guy_ , and said, ‘It’s none of your business what kind of relationship I have with him.’ Because it’s not my job to inform him of—“

Levi clapped his hands over his face and groaned. “Please tell me you didn’t.”

He really was going to be sick. He took a step back but then sank into a crouch as he was hit by a wave of dizziness.

“Don’t you understand?” Levi moaned. The damage was already done, but for some reason it still felt important to explain—to point out exactly—what Chet had done. Levi let go of his face and pinned the other man with his stare. “You ruined everything!”

“What are you talking about?”

Chet had the gall to look offended. Levi forced himself to stand, though he teetered a bit.

“You made it sound like you were fucking me.”

Levi wanted to slam his head into the wall, but he already knew that wouldn’t help. Chet’s eyes grew round.

“What?”

“I’m gay!” Levi shouted. He was tired of how surprised everyone always acted at the news. “And he knows that. And the way you made it sound—now he thinks I’m fucking you. He’s the man I’m in love with. And that was the phone call I’ve been waiting so desperately for. And now he thinks I’m fucking someone else!”

“I didn’t…” Chet’s face didn’t even know what expression to make. His eyes were panicked with how out of his element he was. “You didn’t tell me—“

Levi let out a sound that was a tie between a groan and a bark and shouted. “Out!”

“What?”

It was how slowly the man was registering things that was the last cruel straw.

“Out! Out of my apartment. Out of my life. Out of my face ever again. It was a mistake ever to call you. I wish to death I’d never even met you. So get the fuck _out!”_

It was strange how even amongst the feeling of things falling apart, Levi could feel a dose of relief at finally getting one thing right. Chet’s legs finally moved carrying him out of the place with a slam of the door. Levi slumped against his dresser, not sparing the man a glance. All his concentration was back on his phone screen. He wanted to cry. It was usually when he was frustrated that the urge was strongest, and right now he was frustrated. It had taken so much self-control not to call Erwin. It had taken everything he had. And he’d been doing so well. He’d forced himself to be more patient than he ever had for anyone else. And then Chet had gone and thrown a big ass wrench in the works.

_Don’t blow it up_.

The words didn’t come to him in his own voice, but in Isabel’s. Her face flashed into his mind’s eye. She was wearing his favorite smile. The one so bright that it showed the whole inside of her mouth.

_Don’t blow it up._

She said those words all the time, but not usually to him. Farlan was the one she would say it to. She would plant her hands on her little hips, lean right into his face and say it, even though it always pissed him off. “Don’t blow it up,” was her way of saying, “don’t blow things out of proportion.” Farlan, though usually very practical, did have a tendency to speak with exaggeration when talking to Isabel. Levi felt a smile almost break his lips. He took a deep breath. Strength flooded through his hands. It had been a while since the thought of his dead friends had brought him happiness.

_This is how it should be_ , he thought, and it was his own words this time. He swiped at his eyes, though no tears had fallen. _They’re right here with me. They didn’t die inside of me. So long as I remember them I can borrow their strength._

He took another breath and allowed Isabel’s ever present optimism, and Farlan’s cool level headedness to fill him.

_I can fix this. I’m not helpless._

It had taken so many beautiful caring people to build up that lesson, but he was listening to it. Finally.

Levi pressed the home key on his phone. His screensaver flared to life. Hanji had sent him the picture the day he’d left the center. She said she’d taken it the first night he’d met Erwin. Levi loved the picture—not just because of the gentle tenderness in Erwin’s face as he held him, but also because of the look on his own face. There was a peace there that Levi so rarely saw. And every time he saw the picture he was reminded of his goal—to get to a place in his life where he could look like that consciously, naturally. He wanted a life where he was stronger than the anxiety that chased him.

Levi swiped the screen, unlocking it, and his contact list appeared once more. Levi didn’t hesitate. He pressed the small green call icon and held the phone up to his ear as it began to ring.

It was strange. This conversation was much more important than the one he’d been procrastinating in the bathroom, but this time he didn’t bother trying to come up with the words beforehand. He didn’t want his interactions with Erwin to be constructs, least of all this one.

The ringing cut off, and Levi felt the air come alive even before anything was said. Erwin was there, with him, he could feel it.

“ _Levi_.”

The name came out like a soothing remedy. It flowed into Levi’s body and settled there, raising everything up back into its proper place. Levi’s hand let go of the dresser and he slid down to the floor, the lightness inside him in direct contrast to the weight of his relief.

He had to speak. He had so many words to say. And Erwin was patient. He was waiting for Levi to speak even though he could hear the restraint that took in the man’s silence. Levi squeezed his eyes shut and let loose.

“Listen up, Asshole! Don’t go making any assumptions about me. I haven’t slept with anyone else, and you should know that without me having to say it, but I’m saying it anyway, so don’t go getting any stupid ideas, because I already told you that you’re the one that I’m in love with. And 24 horrible days can’t change that. So whatever that asshole Chet planted in your mind, erase it, because I don’t plan on fucking anyone besides you.”

Levi managed to get out all the words out in one long stream with hardly a pause for breath, but then once they were out he wanted to shove them all back in, because he’d managed to put on display the one thing he’d wanted to hide: his desperation.

_Don’t run from me. Please Erwin. Don’t. I’ve been waiting so long. Don’t let me screw this up._

“Levi.” Erwin’s voice didn’t sound out of breath the way Levi’s did. It was solid, present. It wasn’t going anywhere. “I missed you so fucking much.”

The words punched into his chest, and Levi grabbed them, cradled them close, and curled up into a tight ball on the floor as he squeezed those words into his brain, his being, because he wasn’t going to let anyone change the truth in them.

“Erwin…”

“I wanted to do what was right. I wanted to help you, give you what you needed. But every second of this separation was full of doubts attacking my mind. I didn’t know what I’d done to you. I didn’t know what I’d done to myself. All I knew was that it hurt like a bitch, and I wanted it to stop. And I wanted you. I felt so weak with it, Levi, even though I knew I’d brought it on myself.”

Now it was Erwin’s words that were tumbling out. Levi pressed the phone tightly to his ear, unwilling to let a single one of them spill without being heard. He’d forgotten how to create rhythm with his breathing, so each inhale and exhale felt ragged and new in his throat. He was talking to Erwin. Finally. _Finally_.

“Tell me you’re okay, Levi.” Erwin said, and couldn’t keep the plea out of it.

Levi had to push his face into his knees. “I’m okay,” he said, and the words sounded right. “I’m really good.”

Levi could hear the smile in Erwin’s next words. “Tell me.”

There was so much crackling in the air between them. Too much time that had to be filled in, but Erwin was opening up that air to let Levi through without too much squeezing. Levi took a steadying breath that held so much for Erwin that he had to push his face into his knees even harder.

“I’ve done good stuff. Real shit,” Levi said. He was excited, but wanted to be reassuring. “I held a stranger’s baby for them even though I’m pretty sure it had just shit itself, and I unclogged the toilet for Petra.”

Erwin laughed. It was quiet, and stuttered a bit, but it was genuine, and Levi had missed the sound too much. His body shuddered. But he was okay. It was going to be okay.

“I made changes,” Levi added. The words were getting easier. The more he was allowed to speak, the less urgent things became, and the more he could relax into the space between them. “I hope you like them.”

“I’m sure I’ll love them,” Erwin said. “But even if I don’t, who gives a shit. That’s not the important bit. I’m so damn proud of you, Levi.”

Levi was squeezing himself so tight but the ache in his palms was there because they were empty of Erwin. He needed Erwin there. He couldn’t hold back the question anymore.

“What’s your decision?”

He didn’t know if he was supposed to do that—ask. Maybe that went against the normal social expectation. Erwin had been the first one to call, maybe he was supposed to bring it up. Levi didn’t think he’d ever be confident in normal social procedures, but he’d surrounded himself with people who didn’t normally care about that stuff, and Erwin, he knew, was one of them.

Erwin made a strange sound then sort of like the sound a pickaxe would make on a concrete wall. It was full of pain, but something else too.

“Levi.”

Levi knew what that thing was. And it made him lift his face from his knees.

“Levi please, let me—I know I’ve hurt you, and deprived you, and haven’t done all the things you’ve wanted. I know I’ve caused pain for both of us, and done things all in the wrong order, and been inappropriate, and sometimes condescending, and manipulative—I’m always manipulative though I don’t want to be, I never want to be, with you. I know all that. But Levi, I’m so happy when I’m with—when I think about—“ He cut himself off, took a breath, and tried again. “Levi, if you want then we could—then I would love if, for as long as you wanted—if you would choose me, then—“

“Erwin?”

“Yes, Levi?”

Erwin’s relief at having his painful and rare bout of incoherence interrupted was palpable.

“Are you asking me to take you back?”

He tried to make the words come out light, and not as if the answer would change his whole world. And the answer shocked him, because it came out of Erwin like a sob.

“ _Yes_. Yes, Levi, I—“

“You’re not going to make me go back and finish the program?”

“No. Of course not. I—“

“And you’re doing this because _you_ want this, want us, and not because you think I’ll relapse or some shit if you don’t?”

“What? I don’t—Levi I’ve never been that self-sacrificing and I don’t plan on starting—“

“Erwin?”

“Yes, Levi?”

“If you’re not in my arms within the next ten minutes—fifteen max—I’m going to whack you over the head with the frozen chicken I have in my freezer.”

Erwin’s breathing stopped as the full weight of what Levi had just said tied itself deep into his brain, and then he began to laugh, much louder and crazier than before. Like a balloon flying loose around the room—free. And Levi had caused that laughter. He was so proud of that fact that he was able to stand up. The dizziness was gone.

“You have my address?” Levi asked. He’d always been physically strong, but he’d never felt it like this. Like he was invincible.

“Yes, Levi, I got it, I have it, Hanji gave it to me. I called her after I hung up with your friend—“

“ _Not_ my friend,” Levi snarled.

Erwin was still laughing and he was getting kind of breathless and it was sexy as hell somehow, but Levi was pretty sure anything Erwin would do now would be sexy as hell, and—

_Fuck, I want him right now. Right the fuck now. Can’t wait. Right—_

“Levi I jumped in my car as soon as I got the address. I didn’t know what was happening, but I knew that talking to you face to face was my best bet. That was fifteen minutes ago.”

Now it was Levi’s turn to be silent as Erwin’s meaning trickled in. But when it hit, it hit like the bang of a gong. Levi nearly threw his phone. 

“Erwin. Are you outside my apartment right now?”

Thankfully Erwin got directly to the point.

“Only a couple of blocks left.”

Levi didn’t bother saying anything else. His phone dropped, but by the time it clattered against the floor he was already in motion. Levi took nothing. He threw himself out of his bedroom and sprinted down the hallway. He skidded to an ungraceful halt just long enough to yank the front door open. And then he was flying down six flights of stairs. The existence of elevators totally forgotten, but even if he had remembered the one his apartment building had, he would have laughed at the idea of using it now. Nothing but the fastest methods would serve him, and Levi believed in his body. It was a good body. He realized that now. His brain still clung to the vestiges of disease, and maybe it always would, but the body that housed it tried its best, and Levi was grateful. His feet absorbed each landing with ease even though he was tossing himself over stair railings and screeching around corners too fast. Twice his shoulder slammed into an opposing wall, but he didn’t feel the pain. His heart and brain and skin was singing, hell, maybe he was even singing out loud. He was alive, and he’d never felt so happy about it.

There were no more steps. Levi was half bent over by the time his hands slammed into the glass doors. And then he was outside. The first thing Levi was aware of was sound—the way it roared into being around him. Cars were everywhere, as were people. Someone even shouldered past Levi to get into the building. But Levi paid it no mind. He knew what he was looking for.

He recognized Erwin’s car, sleek and silver as it slid to a halt. And as Levi’s bare feet touched the sidewalk, Erwin flung the driver’s side open and jumped out, his neck craning, searching. He didn’t have to look far. Erwin barely spread his arms open in time. That’s when Levi leapt. For a moment there was only air. It wasn’t buoyant. Air always pulled downward. But still Levi flew even as he fell, especially because there was someone waiting to catch him.

Warmth and strength hit, and Levi thought they would both topple over from the strength of his assault, but that was silly. After 24 days apart there was no way Erwin was going anywhere.

Erwin’s arms found skin--so much of his skin that Levi cried out. Erwin’s touch had been too absent, too necessary, so that Levi’s skin was raw with the need for it. And the pleasure almost hurt when it hit, firing along his nerves. His skin had become overly sensitive in their time apart. Maybe a full body hold was too much. Maybe they should have started small--a touch to the face, or linked fingers. But that wasn’t really an option. Because coming into Erwin’s arms was coming home, and putting that off, even by just a few moments, would have been cruel to both of them.

Levi opened his mouth to speak, but aside from his shout he wasn’t able to make a sound. All the words jammed together in his throat, too tight and too many. His eyes squeezed tightly shut as he buried his face in Erwin’s neck.

“Levi.”

Erwin’s hand found Levi’s hair and sank into the strands, holding Levi to him for dear life.

_Thank fuck I didn’t cut it._

Levi’s arms were strangleholds around Erwin’s neck. He knew he had to loosen them, but _not quite yet._

“Levi, I’m going to kill you.”

Levi’s whole body was shaking. His poor body was acting like a hostage just after being rescued. He couldn’t stop the shaking. The trauma of separation was too recent. He didn’t even register Erwin’s words until he let go of his hair and pulled back to try and get a look at Levi’s face.

“What the hell kind of outfit do you call this?” Erwin demanded. Except nothing could sound serious when his eyes were wet and his voice was a rasp.

Levi didn’t understand the question. His hold world was just the warm of Erwin’s skin. But his words forced a little cognition back into him. He blinked, and then looked down at himself. He was just as surprised as Erwin to find himself in only his boxer briefs, and the black linen shirt that had none of its buttons done up.

“I, uh--”

Levi raised one of his hands and registered the cold around them. The weather report had called for bitter temperatures below zero. He blinked again and then wriggled his toes. Those too were uncovered, which was a first. He’d never stepped foot outside without shoes before. There was a hazy memory of a beach from his childhood, but that didn’t count. That was before the germs had become his enemy.

Levi was pretty sure he was supposed to offer up some excuse, even if it wasn’t a good one, just to say he’d tried, but then he caught sight of Erwin’s outfit, which was just a thin cotton undershirt, and a pair of sweatpants, and flipped it around.

“You’re not exactly sporting winter attire either, asshole,” Levi said. His cheeks hurt. But it was only when Erwin touched his face, eyes finding wonder, that he realized it was because he was smiling horribly wide. Levi’s chest went hollow, just for one second. And then it hit. An overwhelming fullness that pushed his ribcage out too wide, something cracked. Levi thought it was his himself. But no. It was the sound of skin against skin as he clapped his hands down on Erwin’s face.

“You’re here.”

It wasn’t a statement because it was too much like a question. Levi didn’t breathe as he waited for Erwin’s answer.

“I am.”

Warm palms pressed flat against the skin of his back and slid upward.

“I’m here, Levi.”

Lips found his collarbones, his neck, Levi heard another dry sob and didn’t know who had made it.

“Right here.”

Levi angled his face down and found Erwin’s breath hot on his lips. His chest hurt, and when he breathed it was like sucking in fire. But then there was a light pressure of Erwin’s knuckles on his lips. Levi kissed them, and nudged the fingers with his nose to get to the wrist, but Erwin’s groan stopped him.

“Give me your lips,” Levi said. “Whatever it is that’s in your eyes, you can say it later.”

But when Erwin raised his head and pierced Levi with his eyes, he realized he was wrong. Because those eyes were too sharp, too bright, to be denied anything. Erwin’s urgency was clear as his finger’s pulled Levi’s face right up to his.

“I love you.”

No introduction. No warning. When it counted, Erwin never minced his words. His grip on Levi’s face grew tighter.

“I didn’t get a chance to tell you. I should have found a way even if it was just shouting it at your back as you turned away. I love you, Levi. I fell for you a long time before I ever met you in the center. I love you so keenly that to say the words alone feels like an insult to you. But nonetheless, I love you, and it’s unforgivable that I allowed you to go these past twenty four days without hearing it from me, but, having said that, will you forgive me anyway?”

No part of Levi moved during Erwin’s confession. His chest didn’t rise, and his eyes didn’t blink, and even his thoughts were frozen up until Erwin’s question. And it was his amusement at it, more than anything, that allowed him to speak.

“No,” he said. “I don’t forgive you.”

The way Erwin’s breath hitched at that made Levi regret his tease. To soften the blow he pushed his hands into Erwin’s hair and wrapped his legs more tightly around the blonde’s waist. “Because you’re taking way too fucking long to kiss me already.”

Erwin’s forehead cracked with a sharp line because his face couldn’t handle the softness in his eyes. “You’re right,” he whispered, and pressed a kiss to Levi’s nose. “I am a cruel--” he kissed Levi’s forehead. “Miscalculating--” a kiss to one eyelid. “Selfish--” he kissed the other one. “And untimely old man.” his lips brushed the space right between his eyes.

Levi cry was soft. His breathing was fast and shallow as he tipped his face upward. “Please Erwin, I waited, so please--”

Erwin kissed him. His hands tightened and his body tilted forward and he kissed Levi, deep, and urgent, and completely unlike all the other times he’d done so, because this time, he made it certain with every aspect of his body language, that if Levi ever wanted this kiss to end he was going to have to break it himself.

And that was too much. It shouldn’t have been. Levi felt like he should have been able to lose himself in the kiss, take advantage of it, but it was so different than how it had always been, so open and free--limitless--that he shuddered, then groaned, and then finally ripped his mouth away with a sharp breath and plastered his hands on Erwin’s face, pushing his hair back as he gasped, words tumbling.

“This is okay? You’re not going to feel guilt, or regret anything, or make me stop later—“

Erwin yanked Levi’s mouth back and kissed him, growling as he did, making it clear that interruptions wouldn’t be welcome. And Levi fell open to it, to him, his heart had left its door swinging wide open, waiting, too long waiting. It hurt. Erwin’s lips burned and his breath poured fire into Levi’s lungs. The wind tore into Levi, but Erwin’s fingers, where they touched him, were fiery brands. His body might have sunk beneath it all, but then he felt wetness on his face, and that brought him screeching back to the world of words, because the wetness wasn’t his. He yanked himself back again.

“You’re crying,” Levi said. His fingers were curled tight on Erwin’s face, even though tugging on him couldn’t really get him any closer.

Erwin let out a strangled laugh and pressed his face into Levi’s neck. His arms held Levi in a tight embrace. “Don’t embarrass a poor old man.”

Levi pulled Erwin’s face back up, something he knew he was doing too often, but he couldn’t stop. He had to see Erwin’s face. It was the only thing that kept reminding him that this was real.

“Are you afraid?” Levi asked. His own hands were shaking, but not with fear. His body recognized Erwin, and yearned for it.

Erwin squeezed his eyes shut too tight. Levi swiped the wetness from his face and clenched his hands in the back of Erwin’s undershirt, but it didn’t stop the shaking.

“Don’t let me hurt you,” Erwin begged. He wasn’t a man that had been born to plead, and Levi could hear it in the cracks in his voice. “For as long as we’re together, and shit, that had better be an awfully long time, don’t ever let me—don’t allow me too—“

Erwin choked on his words, or maybe it was a lump in his throat. Levi had one of those too.

“Look at me,” Levi said.

Erwin opened his eyes, and the blue that stared into him flashed with the brilliance that only recent tears could bring out. It was startling, but he wouldn’t allow himself to be distracted.

“For every day that you let me stay by your side I can promise you my happiness,” Levi said. Erwin’s eyes gave him the confidence to say such things. “Besides, you may be a pain in the ass, but if you had any ability left to hurt me you wouldn’t be standing here right now.”

Erwin groaned and sank down onto him. The man’s body was a pocket and it looked like he was determined to fill every space there was with Levi.

“We’ve got to get you out of the cold,” Erwin said, but the only movements he made were the trail of burning kisses on Levi’s skin.

“And deprive you of your unparalleled love for public displays of affection?” Levi asked. He meant for it to come out sounding like a proper tease, but he was still too hoarse for that.

“I didn’t think I’d last even two days” Erwin said, “Never mind twenty four.”

“I’m still going to kill you for how long you made me wait,” Levi said.

“I’ll make it up to you.”

“You damn well better.”

“Whatever you want,” Erwin said. It wasn’t just his skin that burned, his words were feverish too. Everything was. “You’ll get everything you could ever want.”

They were plastered together, their legs, chests, fingers and hands gripped and squeezed and pressed, seeking any position that would get them closer.

“Well then, you better give yourself to me,” Levi growled. “All of it. I won’t settle for anything less.”

\--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, i know it's apologizing time. I let you guys hang in the balance for two dreadful months while i seemingly abandoned this story. Truth was, I had to take a break from it. But I'm back, and i want to finish this story for you guys. As you can see i leave you now with two terribly dreadful dorks, neither of which seem to have very much common sense--it's a wonder that they're still alive.  
> For all of you who hung onto this story and didn't abandon it--i owe you kisses, and not dirty ones. You guys are great and i love you.


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm dedicating this chapter to clearbluedeparture. I'm still not sure how your little comment managed to do it, but it got me to sit my ass down and write a chapter of this story. I've been in a terrible writers slump, and i'm still not sure if my writing really has much to offer, but i wanted to give you back something for what you gave me. Here's the chapter. sorry, I know it's short. I hope you like it.

Chapter 27:

With a shaky breath, Erwin pulled his head back and blinked up at the sky. Levi watched the muscles in his neck tighten. His ache was deep. He’d never grow used to how beautiful the other man was.

“Please tell me you’ve got an apartment on the first floor,” Erwin said.

Levi laughed, and it was a crazy kind of sound. “Stairs or elevator. Pick your poison.”

Erwin groaned. All around them people were passing with their necks craned to see the half naked spectacle in front of their eyes. And Levi found he couldn’t have given less of a shit about it.

“That’s right, folks, get a good look,” he called out. “Erwin’s ass is the prettiest thing you’ll ever see and it’s all mine.”

“Actually I think it’s yours they’re looking at,” Erwin said. His smile was dazzling. “And I don’t blame them. It’s a lot more visible, and it looks good enough to eat.”

Levi was also smiling, but his was more devious as he slid one of Erwin’s hands up onto the curve of his ass. “Hmm…why don’t you have yourself a taste then?”

“Shit,” Erwin hissed, helpless as he squeezed him. Levi pressed himself to Erwin’s front. Neither of them were wearing clothes good at concealing arousal.

“Stop that,” Erwin said, “Or I’ll end up fucking you against the hood of someone’s parked car.”

He peeled Levi off his front and set him down on top of his feet. Levi’s toes curled around Erwin’s sneaker laces.

“That sounds kind of hot,” he said. “I wonder if I have an exhibitionist streak.”

“Now’s not the time to be exploring that. Hurry up and invite me inside already.”

Levi kissed him. Erwin swung him up into his arms. Levi’s hands twisted tight in his hair, trying to keep the kiss from getting violent, but needing Erwin too much to keep from biting and sucking at him, desperate for more. He didn’t notice they were moving until Erwin’s shoulder slammed into the front door. Levi let out a gasp as they spilled into the tight space. Erwin shoved Levi’s back against the glass of the inner door.

“Keys,” he groaned as he ripped himself out of the snares of Levi’s kiss. It took Levi a few moments to absorb what Erwin had said. He was much more interested in shoving his hands between them to try and get his hold around his partner’s erection. But when Erwin’s meaning finally did dawn in his mind it brought him to a grinding hold.

“Whoops,” he said.

Erwin stared down at him. He had one of his hands under Levi’s ass, supporting his weight, and the other in his hair.

“I forgot to bring them down,” Levi explained.

Erwin stared at him some more.

“I was a little distracted.”

Erwin’s eyebrows went up. So did Levi’s. Then Erwin burst out laughing.

“ _Fuck_ ,” he managed, though breathless.

Levi shoved at his shoulder.

“Stop it! It’s _your_ fault. You would have reacted the same way.”

“Hey, I have _my_ keys,” Erwin said. “You’re the hopeless one.”

Erwin’s hand reached toward the panel of doorbells on the nearby wall, but Levi grabbed his hand. He’d just realized something.

“Forget it. Let’s just go to your place.”

“Levi, I’m sure one of your neighbors will let you in if we—“

“But I want you to fuck me in your bed.”

Erwin paused, stared at Levi, whispered “shit,” again, and then bent to kiss him. Levi returned to this with great enthusiasm. His hands couldn’t seem to settle on one part of Erwin’s body. They pulled and squeezed everywhere, needing to reassure himself that everything was still the same—that twenty four days hadn’t taken a core part of his Erwin away. But it was Erwin who pulled back, groaning as he did so.

“Wait, are you actually insinuating that I have to _drive_ like this?” he demanded, the full weight of what going back-to-his-place meant crystalizing in his brain.

“Hey, I’m the hopeless one, remember?” Levi said. “That must mean you’re the responsible one.”

“Oh no—I’m not signing up for this. I wanted you to see the new place, but that can happen later.”

His hand once again reached for the panel of doorbells. He pressed a whole row of them at once.

“Wait, new place?” Levi asked. Erwin was already bending forward to kiss him again.

“Yeah. You’ll love it. It gets a ton of natural light, and has these huge bay windows that look out onto the yard. Nothing like the old mausoleum.”

He was trailing kisses down Levi’s neck as the intercom system, connected to the doorbell panel, crackled to life.

“Who is it?” a warbley voice asked amid a flood of static. Levi recognized it as belonging to the woman on the floor below him who was always threatening to call the police on anyone who played music at enjoyable levels.

“Good afternoon, Ma’am,” Erwin said with his usual crisp authority. Levi didn’t know how he managed it with the way his erection was digging into his leg. “Can I trouble you to buzz me in? I seem to have misplaced my keys.”

He sounded like the sexy guy who voiced chocolate commercials. Levi knew that the woman had probably fallen in love with Erwin already on the strength of his voice alone. Too bad he was about to ruin that.

“Don’t do it Ms. Darnsby. He’s definitely a rapist,” Levi shouted toward the intercom. “And a thief too. Hell, he probably also plays his music too loud.”

“Levi!” Erwin spluttered. “What—“

The intercom went dead. The old woman was probably already calling the police.

“I want to see your new place,” Levi explained.

He could tell it was taking everything Erwin had in him not to laugh.

“You little shit,” he marveled. “I can’t believe I fell for an evil bastard like you.”

“Oh please, like you’re an innocent flower. Now let’s go before the shmucks from the 56th precinct come to arrest our pretty little asses.”

This time Erwin did laugh. He scooped Levi back into his arms and pressed a kiss to his shoulder. “My life was way too boring without you,” he said, pushing through the front door once again.

This time, Levi felt the cold, but he still didn’t care. His blood was pulsing through him, reminding him of how much he wanted to be alive. He tucked his face into Erwin’s shoulder as he was carried back to the car—the car that Erwin had carelessly left, unlocked and double parked in front of the building.

“You should be thanking me,” Levi said as Erwin carefully eased him into the passenger seat. “If we’d gone up to my place your car would have been towed, stolen, or both.”

“I can’t believe you’re making me drive with an erection,” Erwin said. “There’s a special place in hell for people like you.”

“There’s a special place in my ass for people like _you_ ,” Levi countered.

Erwin’s laugh was swallowed in his mouth as Levi kissed him. Erwin climbed into his lap, his hands tight on Levi’s face. The car was too small for two grown men to be humping in the front seat, but Levi didn’t care. He was dizzy with the feeling of being surrounded on all sides by Erwin’s skin and hands and scent. He gasped into burning lips and groaned as he rolled his hips up into unyielding muscle.

“Erwin,” Levi hissed. His fingers were digging trenches into Erwin’s back. “Take it off. Take everything off.”

“Want to,” Erwin groaned. “So bad.”

Levi tugged at Erwin’s waist. “Need it. Right now.”

“That,” Erwin said as he gave Levi one final kiss, “Is impossible.”

And then, with a shaky breath, he climbed out of Levi’s lap and out of the car.

“Oh come _on!”_ Levi whined, but all he got was a door in his face as Erwin closed the passenger side and circled around to the driver’s seat.

“Great, now I’m even _more_ overheated,” Erwin said, and tugged his own door closed. “You’re going to have to wait for this situation to calm down before we go anywhere.”

He gestured to his crotch and sighed. Levi leaned over and glanced down at the bulge with gleaming interest.

“Or, you know, I could just get you off,” he said in an offhand manner. “Then you could drive with confidence.”

“I’m _not_ falling for that,” Erwin said. “I already know that once the clothes start coming off I won’t be letting go of you for the night.”

Levi sighed, and Erwin caught it. He reached over and touched Levi’s cheek.

“So beautiful,” he said. “Even more than I remembered.”

Levi looked down into his lap. He could feel himself flushing.

“And you’re even sappier than _I_ remembered,” he said.

Erwin still hadn’t let go of his face. He dragged his knuckles down the line of his jaw.

“I made myself sick with the thought that I might never see you again,” he said. “I thought you might change your mind about waiting for me.”

Levi snorted. “You make it sound like I had a choice, but my stupid brain won’t let me think of anyone but you.”

Erwin’s eyes were soft with gentleness. His thumb brushed over Levi’s lower lip. Levi held the finger steady and kissed it.

“This is real, right?” Erwin asked. “It’s not just some feverish dream I’m having because I fell into a frostbitten coma while out for my run.”

“If it was, you’d deserve it,” Levi said. “Only assholes train for winter marathons.”

Erwin squeezed his eyes shut so tight that his whole face creased with the effort. His hand gripped Levi’s with all of his considerable strength.

“I’m so happy,” he whispered. “I didn’t think I had a right to be this happy.”

Levi reached for him, the partition digging into his hip as he pulled Erwin’s head to his shoulder. He kept it there for nearly a minute before he pulled back and kissed the top of the blonde’s head.

“Drive,” he said, his request simple. “I want to hold you already.”

Erwin gave him a stiff nod and reached for the ignition, where the keys still dangled freely. Levi pressed his hands into his lap. They were shaking. Erwin paused with his fingers still on the keys.

“Get into the back seat,” he said.

Levi tried to think of who the other man could be talking to, because it definitely wasn’t to _him._

“What?”

“You heard me. Back seat. Now. There’s no way I can safely drive with you beside me.”

“I’m not moving.”

“Really?” Erwin raised his eyebrows unnaturally high, looking sexy enough to bite. “Then tell me, what you were planning to do when I pulled out into traffic?”

Levi knew that telling the truth would only get him into trouble, but he did it anyway.

“Put my hand on your dick,” he said.

Erwin snorted. “Like I said. Get into the back seat.”

Levi blew out his breath, but when Erwin refused to budge he finally made himself move. Grumbling loudly, he climbed over the hump between the seats. An electric thrill pulsed in him as he fell forward. Erwin had slapped his ass.

“Oh, so I can’t touch you, but you can fondle my ass?” Levi growled.

“I wasn’t fondling. I was helping you back there. I’m a gentleman. Now put on your seatbelt.”

Levi growled some more, furious at how in love he was. Erwin met his eyes in the rearview mirror. When Levi snapped his seatbelt into its buckle, the blonde blew him a kiss.

“Fuck you,” Levi said.

“Soon,” Erwin promised, and finally pulled into traffic.

Levi leaned back against the cold leather and shivered. Erwin winced.

“Sorry. It’ll heat up real quick. I forgot to crank up the heat on the way here. Guess I was too excited.”

“Dork,” Levi said.

Erwin smiled. Levi shivered again, not from the cold. He reached forward and touched the back of Erwin’s head. His hair was shorter than he’d ever seen it. It made him look clean. Erwin leaned back into the touch.

“Mmm…you really shouldn’t touch me,” he said.

Levi dug his fingers in more securely and scratched at his scalp.

“But I’m not even doing anything pervy.”

“I know, and I appreciate it, but it doesn’t matter. I haven’t masturbated since Nanaba caught me doing it last week, so now even just looking at you makes me think I’m going to make a mess in my pants.”

Levi bit the tip of his tongue. “She caught you?”

Erwin slowed the car to a stop in front of a red light.

“Well, _heard_ me is more like it. I was calling out your name. If I recall, in the fantasy in my mind you were wearing tall leather boots and your nails were on my scalp, much like they are now, as I let you fuck my face.”

Levi dropped his hand. It sank like it was dead. He let out a groan.

He didn’t catch Erwin’s grin. It was too pleased to be called evil, but it definitely skirted the edge of that boundary.

“Actually, that’s a lie. It wasn’t my face, but my ass you were fucking. Still a nice image, though. My legs were thrown over your shoulders. Does it bother you that I want you to fuck me? I like it both ways. I don’t remember if I told you.”

Levi didn’t answer. He couldn’t. He was using all his resources to force breath into his lungs. He groaned again, but this time it was more like a whine. His hand twitched. He brought it to his own erection and closed his eyes. He didn’t even realize he’d done it until he hurt Erwin’s hiss.

“Oh no you don’t,” the blonde said. “If you start to masturbate I’m going to have to put this car in park and step out until you finish. I can only handle a few things today, and that’s _definitely_ not one of them.”

Levi stopped, but he didn’t remove his hand. His underwear hurt, too restraining, but he knew that taking them off was out of the question.

“Drive,” he spit. His teeth were closed as tight as his eyes were. “Just drive. And you’re not allowed to mention anything to do with sex until you’re ready to fuck.”

The light turned green. Erwin pressed the pedal down with a little too much force. The tires squealed as they were thrown into motion again.

“Fine,” Erwin said. “I have too many questions for you anyway. Now button your shirt, I can’t stop myself from staring.”

Levi liked that stare. He liked it a lot. He also liked how Erwin kept forcing his eyes away in order to keep them safe on the road. He let go of his crotch and began the important task of buttoning. It took a long time. His hands were still shaking.

“What are the questions?” he asked.

Erwin flicked the blinker on and changed into the turning lane.

“One, how’re things with Hanji? I know I created a lot of stress and she’s been looking a little rough. Two, I bumped into Reiner the other day. He came to visit the center and he told me you and he started a gym together. How’s that going, and when can I come see it? Three, who was that guy who answered the phone he brought out strangling tendencies I didn’t even know I had. And four, how terrible do I look on a scale of 1, to ‘just put a paper bag over my face’ I haven’t shaved yet, I have bags under my eyes, and I know I must reek of sweat. I’m surprised you let me kiss you.”

Levi stretched his legs out and rested them on the seat divider. He also reached out with his hands and let them touch both doors. He was back in Erwin’s car, and he was trying to settle into it, letting his skin remember how much he loved the feeling. He leaned his head all the way back so that he was staring up at the ceiling.

“I’ll try to do them in order,” he said. “One, Hanji’s doing a better than before. She was already under a lot of stress _before_ I went all heartbroken zombie on her, but I began to bounce back after a few days, and she hired some more staff for the center so she’s managing to eat dinner with Petra at least three times a week, so that’s good. They also have a set date night now, and Nile never lets her miss it.”

“Yeah, I know about that. ‘Sacred Thursday’ the staff call it.”

Levi nodded.

“Two, the gym is great. I’ve got a few promising students already. Mikasa trains with me twice a week. I’m thinking of asking her to join as an instructor. Also this woman Annie—she says she knows you. She was at the center a few years back. She comes in a bunch. She and Mikasa get along well.”

“Annie Leonhart _?”_

“That’s the one.”

“Wow. That’s…How old is she now?”

“Twenty Two.”

“Jesus, I feel old.”

Levi smirked. “You _are_ old. And you can come to the gym whenever you want. I want you to fuck me in the shower there. I think it’ll help me get over the last of my germ phobia. My heart still pounds when I try to use that shower without flip flops.”

Erwin dragged his hand down his face. “Weren't you the one who said no sex talk?”

“I forgot.”

That was a lie. Levi just liked flustering the man. Erwin cleared his throat.

“Right, number three,” Levi continued. “You don’t have to worry about the asshole on the phone because I’ll never be seeing him again—thanks for that, by the way, you helped me get rid of him. And four…”

He trailed off and just let himself look at Erwin. He loved how long his arms were, and the square comfort of his fingernails. He also loved how tight his shoulders had gotten and the way the muscles in his neck strained. He knew Erwin was like that because of him, and that he would soon release all that repressed energy, and it would be glorious.

“Four…”

Levi’s mouth was dry. That was bound to happen whenever he stared at Erwin too hard. He forced himself to swallow.

“On a scale of 1 to ‘I would blow an entire squadron of snails just to put a hand on you’ you’re definitely too handsome for me to think of you as anything other than beautiful, idiot.”

Erwin didn’t look at him, but he did reach back. Levi took his hand and squeezed his fingers. Erwin cleared his throat again, and then he asked, albeit a little hoarsely, “How many snails are in a squadron?”

Levi laughed. He kissed the hand he was holding, and then he kissed it again. “How much longer?” he asked.

Erwin pressed his thumb to Levi’s lips and then withdrew his hand. “Long enough to ask you lots of questions.”

“Your questions suck.”

“Do they?”

“Yeah. They sound like things a casual acquaintance would ask.”

Levi didn’t _really_ think there was a problem with Erwin’s questions. It was important that they erase the twenty four day distance between them by catching up. But at the same time he craved that naked _personal_ level he could get onto with Erwin

“Okay. Then how about this.”

Erwin slowed the car down enough to give Levi more of his concentration. He met his eyes in the rearview mirror.

“When I showed you the tattoo on my hip what did it remind you of?”

Levi sucked in his breath and let go of the car doors. Erwin kept his stare for as long as he could before flicking his eyes back to the road in front of him.

“You remember something,” Erwin said. “That’s good. That’s very good.”

Levi felt the edge where his fingers touched air. It didn’t feel like nothing anymore. All around him the oxygen was charged. He could feel it pump through his blood and in every point in his body.

“I want to tell you about my dream, Levi,” Erwin said. “I think I’ve had it before. Many times. But today was the first time I clearly remembered. It’s what finally made me decide to call instead of waiting until day twenty nine. I wouldn’t actually call it a dream. It’s too real for that word, but I don’t know if you’ll believe me.”

Levi still felt the oxygen, but now it wasn’t overwhelming as it sang through his little capillaries, and the bigger arteries that led back to his heart. He felt a great calm wrap transclucent wings around him.

“Stop the car,” he said.

The calm was in his voice too, and Erwin must have heard it, because his motions were also calm as he flicked on his blinkers and pulled over to the side of the road. Levi had had many dreams involving Erwin, and he’d had many that involved the symbol on Erwin’s hip. A lot of them were blurry, and he thought he’d forgotten them in the groggy stages of waking up, but a deeper more understanding part of him remembered, some might even call it the core of his being. And as Erwin turned to face him, and Levi touched his hand, all his memories took shape in his mind, and it was clear that from now on and always he would remember _exactly_ who the man with him was.

“You’re right,” he said. “They aren’t dreams. They’re real. Because the Erwin and Levi in this world are the same as the Erwin and Levi in the other. It took some adjusting, of course. I think that you’re gentler and I’m calmer than our respective personalities were from back then, but that’s not enough change to make me forget all that we’ve been through together.”

Levi’s fingers slid up to grip Erwin more firmly. It was his right arm he was holding, and the choice had been deliberate.

“We don’t have all that ranks and army bullshit like we used to,” he said, “But I hope you won’t be bothered if I slip into it occasionally, Commander.”

Erwin’s eyes didn’t widen so much as they froze. The last word had tripped off of Levi’s tongue. It was meant to come out playful, but he must have missed the target, because Erwin was still frozen, and he wasn’t breathing, and Levi wondered if he’d made a terrible mistake.

But then something clicked on. The glacier blue in Erwin’s eyes cracked. And then the man he remembered, the one he’d fallen in love with in two worlds, fused into a single man, and the smile he leveled at Levi had the easygoing laziness of someone who’d come home.

“It’s you who might end up bothered, Captain,” Erwin said. “I have many years’ worth of repressed filthy urges I couldn’t fulfill without my right hand. And now that I’ve got it back, I’m afraid you’re going to have to suffer through it all.”

But if that was a threat, it was the least effective one Levi had ever heard, and he was grinning widely as erwin pulled him back over the seat partition and into his lap.

\--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To all my readers who've waited an insane amount of time for this update. I'm sorry. I just didn't have it in me. The story got so long and I got so busy that before I knew it months had passed and I'd forgotten where I was going with it. I don't know if this makes up for all that time. It probably doesn't. And i'm sure a bunch of you are never going to read this update just because I took so damn long, but for those of you who are left, thanks for sticking by me. You're the best.  
> I'm not sure if I'll be putting up another chapter after this. It might be safer for you guys to think of this as a temporary end. I just don't know if i can put myself back into this story. I guess only time will tell.  
> I love you guys. I don't regret the time i put into this story. I hope you don't either.


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well. here it is. The chapter no one, including myself, ever thought you'd get. Consider it the weirdest april fools joke of all time.

Chapter 28:

 

When Erwin finally put on the parking brake, Levi had to check it twice before he could allow himself to believe it.

“This is it?”

Erwin unclipped his seatbelt. Levi’s eyes zoomed to the man’s hands. Were they shaking?

“This is it.”

Levi almost forgot to unclip his own seatbelt. He leaned forward.

“We’re home?”

Erwin twisted around and leaned over the seat divider. He didn’t have to go very far. Levi had closed the distance effectively. Erwin’s hands slid into his hair. He pressed a kiss to Levi’s nose.

“We’re home.”

Levi wanted more than a nose kiss, but Erwin pulled back and reached for the door handle.

“So we can fuck now?”

Erwin chuckled. Levi scowled. He’d been aiming to make the man falter, but Erwin swung open the door and stepped outside.

“Yes. We can fuck now.”

Erwin pulled open Levi’s door too, ever the gentleman, and held out his arms. It was obvious that Erwin was waiting for him to hop into them. Given the way he was dressed, it made sense, but his pride was acting up and wouldn’t accept it. He ignored Erwin and stepped out onto the freezing driveway, the bricks hard and scratchy on his feet.

“You could stand to be a little nervous, you know,” he said. “All your suave confidence is making me itch to turn you down.”

It was a poor bluff as far as bluffs went, but he was just impressed he’d managed to make it at all. His own hands were shaking too badly to try and hide.

“I only want what you want to give me, Levi,” Erwin said. “And you’ve always been generous in that regard.”

Levi flushed. An image of a stone wall, and a dusty floor, their clothes in disarray, and their leather maneuver gear harness just loose enough for the task at hand. Erwin’s booted feet the only thing grounding them both as Erwin pistoned into him, fucking him on top of a crate of gas tanks. Eventually they’d been forced to stop doing inventory checks together when it always ended with the fast and dirty fucking Levi needed before the start of any mission. Erwin loved it too, but the risk of discovery was too great, he claimed. Levi never did understand that bit. The whole corps knew they were fucking, and neither of them had ever been shy…

Erwin’s arms slid around his waist. “Care to share?”

The man in front of him was a mix between commander and nurse. Levi had watched the transformation during the car ride, and had felt a more subdued kind of transformation in himself. Memories, clear and overwhelming, had assaulted his mind as the miles ticked by. They no longer had the far off disconcerting quality his first dream of his old life had conjured. He remembered now. Maybe not everything, but enough to recall the person he’d been, and the person he’d been with Erwin.

“I like the person I am now better than the one I was in our other world. I just hope you’re not expecting…I can’t be that person again, Erwin. I don’t want to be. This world is…I want to stay in this world. I want to be with you here. I don’t regret—of course I don’t—any day I’ve spent with you, but—“

Erwin kissed his neck this time. Levi felt the strain in Erwin’s body, the desire to hold back, not to overwhelm, and he felt the same tightness in his own body.

“I think all this will take…a little getting used to,” Erwin said. “But I don’t plan to make things complicated. I loved you in the world of titans, and I love you here in the world of germs, and I’ll love you again if I’m lucky enough to be given a third lifetime with you. You are, have always been, the center of everything, Levi, and a few years and a few differences aren’t going to change that.”

More kisses on his neck. Levi slid his hands up Erwin’s chest and shivered.

“Do you think the others remember?”

Erwin pushed Levi back against the car. The weight of his hips was both familiar and entirely new. Levi pushed up into the weight, wanting more of it.

“No. I don’t think so. But sometimes I think Nile might have a trace of it…I’m grateful our relationship survived in this world. He’s kept some of my ruthlessness at bay, I think. You’re not the only one this world has gentled.”

The lips on his neck were rougher now, teeth scraped along the sensitive bumps of his collarbone.

“I loathed being your superior officer,” Erwin growled. “Never again. Don’t ever let it happen again.”

Levi’s hands clutched at Erwin’s shoulders, trying to hold on as both Erwin’s hips and mouth bore down on him. He hissed and wrapped a leg around the man’s waist, trying for a better angle, anything to increase the friction between them. Erwin liked that. The sound he made was nearly a snarl as he grabbed Levi beneath his thighs and yanked him up. Levi’s head hit the roof of the car in his attempt to bare more of his neck to Erwin, to offer his weakest point to him, urging the man on, demanding to be consumed. He hooked his ankles together behind Erwin’s back and used his newfound anchorage to push up harder, rougher. But despite the urgent heat beating in his groin, he kept a decent level of control on his voice when he spoke.

“I don’t know. That night in the stables wasn’t too bad. Didn’t feel like fucking a subordinate then, did it?”

This time Erwin fumbled. He gasped, and his grip on Levi’s legs slipped. Levi smirked. There had been multiple nights spent fucking in the stables, but he had no doubt in Erwin’s ability to pin down the memory he was referring to. Levi had remained impeccably clothed throughout, not a hair out of place except for his cravat, which was crushed beyond recognition where it bound Erwin’s hands together above his head, where Levi commanded (yes, that night had been full of _his_ commands) they remain. He couldn’t forget the way Erwin had looked that night, covered in sweat, the scars on his body shining faintly in what little moonlight managed to creep through the slats of the stables, entirely naked except for the bolo necklace tied around his purpling and leaking cock, the symbol of authority Levi had used to extend and escalate his lover’s pleasure. He’d done filthy things to Erwin that night. Had gotten nearly his entire hand in the man’s ass at some point, and Erwin had loved it, begged for it. The poor horses didn’t sleep a wink that night. Levi fed the creatures as many apples as they wanted for three days after that, the out of pocket expense enormous, and Erwin had laughed at him for his guilt. It had been harder to make Erwin laugh in that world, but Levi had managed it often enough.

He pulled Erwin’s flushed face around and kissed him, trying to make it slow and lazy, they had all the time in the world now, after all. Erwin’s lips were softer than in the Titan days. Modern world conveniences like chapstick were not to be taken for granted. That thought sparked another.

“We’ll have decent lube in this world,” Levi hummed.

He couldn’t make the kiss quite as lazy as he would have liked. His body insisted on urgency, somehow afraid that Erwin might be yanked away from him before he could get his fill of the man.

Erwin laughed, a deep and rumbling sound that set Levi’s heart racing.

“No more goddamn gun oil.”

His grip on Levi’s thighs grew steady again and when he rolled his hips over Levi’s it was with slow and impressive control.

“hmm…I don’t know. I kind of liked smelling it on you. Manly and sexy. Especially when it was me doing the fucking,” Levi said.

Erwin groaned and stilled his hips, keeping the pressure hard and constant. The feeling of their clothed erections leaking heat into each other was an impressive distraction, but Levi wouldn’t be the one who killed the conversation.

“Miss me inside of you?” he said.

He expected another moan, but he didn’t get it. Erwin’s eyes snapped open. He straightened up and lowered Levi to the paved driveway.

“What--?”

Erwin took a step back, gave Levi’s flustered confusion the sparest glance, and turned toward the house.  He grabbed Levi’s wrist and gave it a jerk.

“Don’t want to wait any longer,” he said.

The explanation lacked all of Erwin’s usual eloquence. It made a delighted smile spread across Levi’s face, and he only smiled wider seeing the violent way Erwin stabbed his keys into the lock, the vicious twist holding more impatience than the man could have ever expressed with words. Levi didn’t wait for the door to swing open all the way before shoving Erwin inside. He gave the door a kick behind him, but didn’t bother checking to see if it closed all the way. He grabbed two fistfuls of Erwin’s undershirt and yanked him down for a rough kiss that was full of hard lips and almost angry grunts. He was too impatient to do anything sensuous with his tongue. That could come later. For now he had to remind Erwin of everything he was capable of.

They slammed to a halt when Erwin’s back hit a wall. Levi didn’t know or care about their surroundings at the moment. That too, would come later. He was vaguely aware that a bedroom would be better, and that maybe he should be on the lookout for one, but it didn’t rank highly enough on his list of priorities to spare more than a passing thought. He was more concerned with getting his hands on as much of Erwin’s skin as possible. Erwin’s hands were fisted tightly in his hair, his breath sharp and hot in Levi’s mouth. That was distracting, but Levi was a man on a mission. He stretched the material taut between his hands, and with one sharp jerk ripped the cotton right down the middle. He felt Erwin’s muscles convulse under the show of strength. It seemed this world’s Erwin was just as turned on by caveman Levi as the man he’d called “Commander” had been. Levi’s hands were rough as they pushed the material off of Erwin’s shoulders, but gentled suddenly as he slid those same hands back down the now bare lines of his chest.

Sensing something, Erwin pulled back from their kiss just enough to make speech possible.

“No bruises,” Levi explained. “No wounds, or sensitive scars. Nothing I have to be careful around.”

But his words defied his actions because his touch only grew gentler. The sight of an unmarred Erwin with both his arms pulled him sharply back into _this_ world. His second chance. The one they were only just beginning to explore together.

“Erwin,” Levi gasped.

His shaking hands were back. His awareness of the man in his hands, of how close he could have come to not having this, slammed into him once more.

“You were always going to come to me, right? When I gave my ultimatum. You never thought about not being with me. Tell me it never occurred to you. Tell me I didn’t endanger this, us.”

It was Erwin’s turn to be gentle. He gathered Levi in his arms and bent to kiss the side of his face, his lips as soft as the skin on a peach.

“As if I could even pretend—“ He peppered his words with soft nuzzled kisses “—to choose anything but you.”

“Not for a moment?”

 Levi shuddered as Erwin’s kisses brought the man’s mouth closer and closer to his ear.

“Not for a moment.”

Erwin pulled back to stare at Levi, his fingers slipped smoothly over Levi’s skin, memorizing, loving, and giving warmth wherever they touched.

“We could take a bath together,” Erwin said. “Get rid of the germs. Take it slow. I’ve got a lot of things to reacquaint myself with.”

Levi flipped his hands over and ran his knuckles down over every bump on Erwin’s abdomen.

“Slow, huh? I don’t know about that. Could be nice. Or I could just clean you with my mouth.”

His knuckles bumped against the waistband of Erwin’s sweatpants and curled a finger beneath the edge. Holding his breath, he tipped his head down and pulled the material away from Erwin’s body. Erwin’s cock was different in this world. It had a slight curve to it that had Levi’s mind racing with imaginative thoughts on how that would feel inside of him. He managed one full blown second of staring before he let the material snap back, and collapsed against Erwin’s chest, his eyes shut.

“Fuck,” he hissed.

His nails dug into Erwin’s sides and his breaths were tight and shallow.

“Not gonna make it,” he gasped. “Fuck, Erwin. _Fuck._ ”

Erwin wrapped him up tightly and together they slid down the wall with twin groans.

“How did we used to do this?” Erwin muttered. “I swear, my hearts going to just fucking stop.”

Levi tried to kiss Erwin, but he was too breathless, he kept breaking away with a gasp. His hands wouldn’t stay pressed to anything, they kept darting around, trying to hold too much, and ending up with nothing at all. Finally he grabbed hold of Erwin’s hands and clung there.

“Feel so weak,” he said. “Like I’ll pass out from how much I need this.”

Erwin said nothing. He pressed his forehead to Levi’s and kept his eyes closed. He didn’t try to pull his hands away. But even that much connection was almost too much. Just his breath on Levi’s lips and the way their knees were touching was preventing Levi’s breathing from evening out at all.

“Why can’t I move?” Levi said. “I finally have you here and I…there’s so much I want to do and I can’t even get my lungs to work.”

Erwin groaned and pushed their lips together. This time Levi managed the kiss for almost half a minute, confidence growing as his mouth remembered its hunger, hell bent on swallowing every sound that passed between them. But then Erwin’s knee, just by accident, nudged Levi’s erection, and broke all concentration. Levi tugged his mouth away with a sharp hiss, pushing Erwin into startled laughter.

“Sorry, sorry,” Erwin said, still laughing.

Levi groaned and grabbed a handful of Erwin’s hair.

“What the fuck is this?”

“Madness,” Erwin said. His smile was beautiful. “I feel like a virgin. Go easy on me, Levi.”

“Too busy going easy on myself,” Levi said. “At this point we’ll both be comfortably in our graves before I manage to get your pants off.”

But he was smiling as well, and didn’t object when Erwin stood, and pulled him to his feet.

“Come. Let me show you a couple of things.”

He took Levi’s hand, and the simple power of the gesture knocked all the breath from his lungs once more. He’d given up on trying to understand what was going on. Maybe it was the house, or the effect of their combined memories, or just the freedom they finally had to explore each other, but every moment held a sweetness so potent it was all he could do not to fall over.

They were standing in what was probably a living room. There was a couch and a coffee table, but mostly boxes. They’d managed to crash into the one wall free of anything. Levi decided he should count himself lucky they hadn’t tripped over anything and smacked their heads into the floor.

“I was supposed to finish all the unpacking before I called you,” Erwin said. “But I haven’t been too good at following plans lately. Spend far too much time just thinking about you. A lot of staring off into the distance and jerking off.”

“mmm,” Levi said. It wasn’t much of a contribution to the conversation, but words were hard when he was thinking about Erwin masturbating.

They walked into the kitchen. It was more modest than the one in Erwin’s old place, and therefore more comfortable. Levi couldn’t think of anything scary happening in the room.

“Table’s at good fucking height,” Levi said, surprising the both of them. It was probably because he was still thinking about the whole masturbating thing. Erwin’s hand tightened around his.

“Really? Looks a little short. I can’t imagine how—“

Erwin cut himself off as Levi’s meaning registered. His face went through an alarming number of expressions before settling on one that was closest to dizzying arousal.

“You’re right. You could probably give me a pretty good tabletop dicking…Might have to worry about the integrity of the table. Maybe we should invest in reinforcing the furniture.”

He let go of Levi and let his hand brush the table surface. Levi watched the man closely, lips parted. He could go over there and do it, shove Erwin facedown to the table’s surface, yank his pants down and…but no. That wasn’t going to be their first time. There was too much to remember and Erwin was right. It would have to be slow.

Erwin stopped by the fridge and pulled out a bottle of poweraid. Levi smiled.

“Guess the store was out of grape juice.”

Erwin flashed him the bird. As far as insults went, it wasn’t all that effective, mostly because he was holding out his other hand, waiting. Levi took it and slid their fingers together.

“Show me the bedroom?”

Levi didn’t mean to make it a question, but his breathlessness made his voice turn up and damn it he was in love, so stupidly fuckingly nauseatingly in love.

Erwin turned toward Levi and took his other hand as well, pulling him along, not bothering to look where he was going. He had eyes for nothing but Levi, and that was exactly how Levi wanted it. There was no carpeting. Even with everything that was distracting him, Levi noticed. Just warm hard wood, bliss on his bare feet. It shouldn’t have been that warm. Not in the dead of winter.

“Heated floors,” Levi said.

This time it wasn’t a question. He was trying to keep his voice steady, prevent it from cracking.

“You don’t like the cold,” Erwin said.

His voice was also careful, trying too hard to be steady.

Levi stumbled forward, his arms opening, but Erwin kept hold of his hands and apologized with his eyes.

“Just one more second,” he said. “I’ll hold you, I promise.”

The bedroom door was standing open. Gone was the tasteful dark wood of Erwin’s old bedroom. The sheets and curtains were white, and seemed to float like the dust motes caught in the beams of light that passed through everything. All the solid furniture was natural wood. A whicker laundry basket stood opposite a plush love seat the color of clean sand. The walls were the palest blue. Levi stepped into the room and inhaled. The air was clean with just the faintest whiff of Erwin’s sleep musk.

He turned slowly, taking it all in, when he came to face Erwin again he was full of a sleepy calm, his smile a little dizzy.

“You like it?”

Levi pressed his cheek to Erwin’s chest, glad he’d had the forethought to strip it bare.

“When can I move in?”

He said it casually. After all, moving in together was nothing after a lifetime spent saving each other’s asses from the titans. But the heat in his cheeks betrayed him, as did the way his fingers clenched in Erwin’s waistband. He both heard and felt Erwin’s laugh.

“Whenever you like.”

Erwin pressed a kiss to the top of his head.

“You’re free to have the key I dropped somewhere in the foyer. Some shrimp mugged me right as I was opening the door. No idea what he wanted, everything’s still in my wallet, but fuck he sure had nice lips. Wouldn’t mind feeling them again.”

Levi buried his face in the no man’s land between Erwin’s shoulder and collarbone.

“You should count your teeth,” he muttered. “I wouldn’t put it past him to have snagged a few, Seems the type to value strange mementos.”

Erwin laughed again. For whatever reason, the sound made Levi flush harder.

“Will you stop trying to insert yourself into my armpit and kiss me already?” Erwin said.

“Shut up. I like warm spaces,” Levi said.

“My asshole’s warm,” Erwin said. “Tight too. Exclusive real estate. I’m sure you’d love—“

Levi growled, but the sound was pretty close to laughter. He smacked Erwin’s chest. It was supposed to be a display of annoyance, only he was distracted by the sound. He smoothed his hand over the spot, skin pinked over hard muscle. He pressed his mouth to the spot and swiped his even warmer tongue against the skin there. Erwin made a startled sound of approval and dropped the PowerAde. He pushed his hands up under the back of Levi’s shirt. Levi shivered. He’d always loved those hands. Erwin’s fingers were cool and sent shivers racing up and down every part of him. Levi tried not to be distracted from his task. He pressed his hand back to the skin and began to massage even greater warmth into it, moving in slow circles. Erwin had gorgeous pecs. They’d always been distracting, and now Levi was fascinated. His mouth moved right behind his hand, his kisses growing wetter, fiercer. He began to suck marks into the muscle, his breaths were hungry, and came quicker the closer he got to his goal. When his mouth finally closed around one of Erwin’s nipples the skin was flushed a deep pink, almost red. He’d forgotten how hard the small nub could feel, and his groan was even louder than Erwin’s as he flicked at it with his tongue, wishing there was some way to suck on both of them at the same time.

“Fuck. They’re even more, ah, sensitive in this— _shit—_ Levi, if you do that…”

Erwin groaned and fisted Levi’s hair as Levi bit carefully down on the nub and gave it a small tug.

“Please, Levi _—_ don’t, FUCK, _Levi_ , just take me to bed already. Don’t—“

Erwin’s voice cut off in a strangled moan as Levi’s greedy mouth switched to his other nipple and let his fingers slide through the wet tortured mess he’d just made of the first one. He’d forgotten. Even if he had his memories, he’d forgotten this, forgotten the rush that came from Erwin’s pleasure. Forgotten how powerful he felt when he reduced Erwin to begging incoherence.

“Gonna fuck you,” he growled as he slid his mouth off of Erwin with one last sucking _pop_. “Gonna make your ass remember my shape.”

Erwin’s lips were a white, barely contained, line, but his tug was strong.

“Promises, promises,” he said, and shoved Levi toward the bed. “I believe in actions, not words.”

Levi caught Erwin’s forearms as he fell backward, and pulled the bigger man along with him. They landed together in a glorious heap of flushed horny limbs. Levi’s mouth finally found Erwin’s again, and they fell back into kissing as if they’d never stopped in the living room.

“You taste like…,” Levi’s brain failed to find a comparison. “What the fuck do you eat to make yourself taste this good?”

He gave Erwin a tug. The man kicked off his shoes and followed. Together they crawled more securely to the middle of the bed, connected by their mouths, and the hands clutching at each other’s faces.

Erwin climbed on top of Levi, hunger pressing down on both of them, but it was a mistake, too fast, their kisses turned to gasps, neither prepared for the full length of the other’s body.

“Fuck, get off, I’ll die,” Levi groaned.

His hands snatched at Erwin’s waist, wanting to pull that weight down further, harder, to grind up into that filthy heat, but knowing he’d probably black out if he did.

“Chest hurts. Really hurts,” Erwin said, voice sharp with the pain. “Sorry. I shouldn’t have—but fuck, how do we stop?“

Levi didn’t know. He was now so hungry he was seeing red flashes. His aim went wild, tearing into any skin he could reach, leaving dark angry marks all along Erwin’s neck. His erection sent out a sharp sting every time it brushed a part of Erwin, the sensitivity too high to tolerate. He didn’t understand it. It was getting too hard to breathe again, but he couldn’t stop. His mouth and throat were full of a fiery ache that grew worse with every bit of Erwin he tasted. He needed all of it, every bit of the man, at the same time, somehow. If he could just manage that than maybe the fire would vaporize everything, all of him, in a single glorious and terrible moment.

His teeth had just clamped down on one of Erwin’s earlobes, when he was shoved away, the full strength of Erwin’s hands between them. He gasped, all the breath knocked out of him, but a moment later, when the air whistled back in, things began to make sense again. His hands scrambled to link themselves with Erwin’s, but he clamped his mouth tightly shut, forcing himself to focus on pulling air through his nose and into his lungs. Beside him he could see Erwin’s chest moving like a bellows. He would have laughed if he had the air for it.

“Fuck,” Erwin gasped.

“You can say that again,” Levi said, but only after a few more seconds of desperate breathing.

Erwin groaned, and curled in toward Levi. He was cautious as he pressed his socked feet to Levi’s. Every touch was full of electricity now. Somehow every nerve had ramped itself up to maximum firing capacity.

“You’re dangerous,” Erwin said.

Levi snorted and scooted in a little closer. “ _You’re_ the dangerous one. Stay the fuck away from me.”

Erwin’s fingers slid up Levi’s arms and hooked onto his elbows. “Shut up. I’m never touching you again.”

Their knees were the next thing to meet, Levi carefully hooked one of his legs over Erwin and pulled the man still closer. Erwin closed his eyes as he sank his fingers into Levi’s hair.

“Wish I’d met you sooner,” Levi groaned. “Body’s punishing me now for not searching for you before this.”

Erwin’s kiss was lighter than a pair of moth wings. Levi’s return kiss was lighter even than the ghost of those wings. He couldn’t stop shivering. Erwin began to rub circles into Levi’s back, attempting to warm him, but it wasn’t good enough. Levi needed more than that.

“Hold me,” Levi said, and hissed when Erwin complied. His face was pressed to Erwin’s chest again, right back to the start.

“You’re so damn hard,” Erwin groaned as their hips pressed together.

“You’re harder,” Levi countered, trying not to squirm with the friction he craved.

“Am not,” Erwin said and gave up trying to keep still.

He set up a careful rhythm, slow aching beats of friction separated by even slower beats of nothing. Within a few seconds Levi knew he was going to die.

“Fuck it. We have to get naked,” he said.

“Are you crazy?” Erwin countered. “That’ll only make it worse.”

“If I don’t come soon I’ll make Reiner’s sex addiction look tame,” Levi said.

“Reiner’s sex addiction already looks tame,” Erwin groaned. “Just kill me and get it over with.”

Levi gritted his teeth and sat up. Erwin looked up at him, alarmed.

“Wait. Are you really going to—“

Levi hooked his fingers into Erwin’s waistband and tugged. Erwin’s erection sprang free and hit his stomach with a sharp slap. Levi stared at every glistening inch, feeling his mouth pool with liquid in response. He licked his lips, his breathing ragged, and forced himself to pull Erwin’s pants free the rest of the way, never removing his eyes from the man’s gorgeous length as he tossed the material over the side of the bed.

As much as he loved that cock, he’d still never learned to take it deep in his throat the way Erwin so often did for him. Blowjobs had always scared Levi. Even his non germaphobe self had disliked the necessary mess that came with sex, but even though he could feel his sickness shying away from the thing, the rest of him was pulled inexorably toward Erwin’s cock, like it was a beacon leading him toward sanity, happiness, and all the other things he’d always craved in this life, but had never really known. His hands smoothed up Erwin’s thighs, brushing the soft golden hair there. He stopped and fisted two lovely handfuls of smooth muscle, but his eyes didn’t move with his hands. He bent still closer, and now it was clear what his plan was. His hair fell forward dangling above Erwin’s abdomen, as his breath ghosted over the tip of Erwin’s erection. Erwin gasped, and began to jerk up, but one of Levi’s arms shot forward and shoved at Erwin’s chest, pinning him down.

“Let me,” Levi growled. “I have to.”

He finally flicked his eyes up, to catch on Erwin’s face. The man wasn’t even trying to hide his fear. His eyes were wide, his nostrils flaring.

“Levi, please—if you have an attack during our first time, I won’t…I won’t be okay.”

Levi eased the pressure of his hand, no longer restraining, and brushed his thumb down the line of hair on Erwin’s chest.

“Trust me,” he said, voice barely louder than his breath.

A spasm went through Erwin’s face, cracking the fear. He closed his eyes. The breath he blew out was loud, and might have even held in it a trace of irritation, but the corners of his mouth curved up.

“Of course,” Erwin said. “Always.”

Levi strained forward and dropped a kiss on Erwin’s mouth. The soft peck of lips made Erwin’s smile more prominent.

“Good,” Levi said. He nipped at Erwin’s lower lip, pressed a kiss to Erwin’s adam’s apple, and then went back to ignoring the man in favor of his cock.

“I just want a taste,” Levi said. “You can’t begrudge me that.”

Erwin snorted and muttered something about an “all you can eat” buffet. Levi wasn’t really listening. He’d promised Erwin he wouldn’t ruin this, and that meant being careful and communicating with the sickness.

_Please let me do this_.

He wasn’t sure exactly how to address it. He’d never been able to pinpoint the exact location of his germphobia. He was pretty sure at this point that there wasn’t any way to separate the sickness from himself, that it was everywhere and nowhere. It didn’t really matter, so long as it didn’t try to stop him.

He was proud when his hand came forward and was steady enough to do his bidding. Carefully he wrapped his fingers around the turgid base, and lifted Erwin’s cock towards his face, marveling at the beads of liquid oozing delicately from the slit. Erwin was circumcised in this world. That would take some getting used to. But even though he thought the practice barbaric, he couldn’t deny the bit of himself that marveled at how easy it would be to keep it clean now. He wished his parents had done the same thing to him, but they hadn’t, and even he wasn’t crazy enough to try to circumcise himself as an adult.

_Take it slow_ , Levi thought. Was it weird to issue himself instructions like that? He found it helped him focus. _Let yourself grow accustomed to it._

His hand was enjoying the weight of Erwin, and so far he only had faint stirrings of discomfort in what he was doing. He could definitely go farther. He tilted forward, his eyes shut tight in anticipation, and drew the soft skin of his cheek along Erwin’s length, careful to avoid the liquid on the tip. Erwin’s hiss helped smooth the panicked stuttering of his heart.

_That’s right. This is Erwin. My shield. My safety._

He turned his face in and breathed the smell in deep until his lungs were heavy with it. His nose nudged Erwin’s cock. His mind couldn’t quite grasp how delicate the skin was, how smooth and perfect. He forced his eyes open and set to work memorizing the varied shades of pink, purple, and peach, every vein, every hair, every ridge and line.

“Beautiful,” he whispered, and the breath from the word kissed Erwin’s skin.

Levi’s mouth was a heated brushfire full of scores of tingling nerves colliding painfully together. He licked his lips again and pulled some of that fire deeper into himself. He tried to say something, unsure what, but his throat wouldn’t work, and he gave up on the attempt.

_I’m going to do this and it’s going to be okay. I want to do this. I need to do this. This moment belongs to me._

The last bit of space disappeared more easily than he thought possible, the air didn’t grow thick, it didn’t try to force him back. Levi’s lips touched blanketed steel. He didn’t bother to do anything. For a moment he just let his lips rest there, touching, warming. His chest was tight, but it wasn’t with panic. His eyes stung.

_If I start crying over the majesty of a dick I’ll never be able to look Hanji in the face again,_ he thought, knowing it was a lie. He’d cry if he damn well wanted to. He refused to be ashamed of Erwin’s effect on him. But he didn’t cry. After several more moments the stinging faded and he was allowed to move. He kissed Erwin, taking his time with each press of lips, not rushing toward new territory. Slowly, he traversed Erwin’s length, giving the cock the worship it deserved. He was still tentative, but he was glowing bolder, his mouth slid open and his tongue darted out, touching the skin so quickly, at first, it was hard to register, but soon he was lingering, taking his time, and recording each taste, looking for variations. Eventually he grew relaxed enough to realize Erwin was there too. He hadn’t actually forgotten the man. He knew which dick he was experimenting with, but he’d waylaid the knowledge that Erwin would be reacting to this too. There was a hand resting in his hair. He could feel the way it trembled in reserve, forcing itself to be still, not to pull. He’d always been aroused by Erwin’s level of control, but found it even more arousing when he saw that hold begin to crumble. Levi listened carefully now, and as he sealed his lips and sucked a wet kiss near the head of Erwin’s cock, he felt a bolt of triumph go through his stomach in response to Erwin’s sharp inhale.

“Levi…Look so beautiful when you…oh…oh levi you shouldn’t…I’ll come just looking at how pretty your mouth looks when you… _shit_ not ready. You’re not thinking about— _fuck_ , Levi, careful, I’ll come, I swear I’ll come if you put your mouth—“

But Levi only took Erwin’s words as encouragement as he carefully pushed his tongue into the slit of Erwin’s cock, dipping into the juices there and lapping them into his mouth. It was dangerous, he knew, but oh so worth the shudder that passed through Erwin, nearly snapping his powerful body right off the bed. He could feel the germs all over his face now, coating his mouth and his throat as he swallowed, mixing with his saliva and seeping into his cells, but it wouldn’t kill him. He knew that. Felt very much alive. So he went further, pushing several inches of Erwin’s length into his mouth, almost touching his throat. He hadn’t meant to go this far, but he was still in control. His chest and face were flushed with his success and his head swam dizzily with the surreal and wonderful knowledge that he had a cock in his mouth. An honest to god cock. He knew it was only possible because it was Erwin’s, but still, he would never have believed it a few months ago. He felt laughter bubble up in his chest when he thought about how many people he had to thank for this moment. There was Hanji and Petra, all the staff at the center including Nile and even Shadis, Nanaba, his circle group, and hell, even Mike. He wasn’t sure how he was meant to express his gratitude. He didn’t think notes with “thanks for helping me suck dick” would be welcome by anyone except maybe Reiner. And then he actually did laugh, the vibrations of it traveling along Erwin’s length and making the man shudder again. Reiner would give him the double thumbs up, would probably throw him a blowjob party, and fuck, maybe he’d throw it himself, invite everyone, make a dick shaped cake. Rub that dick shaped cake all over Erwin’s actual dick in some kind of meta-dick metaphor before sucking it off. What better way to celebrate a virgin cock sucking than with an even more vigorous cock sucking? He was about to share this idea with Erwin when he was yanked upward, his mouth forcibly emptied of the precious cock in question as he was slammed against Erwin’s chest.

“Told you…Couldn’t… Anymore. Said I’ll… Come, you asshole.”

Erwin’s ragged breathing would only let words out in a sharp staccato beat. Levi felt an instinctive anger rise up at his stolen project, but felt it leave him with just one look at Erwin’s face. The man’s teeth were clenched in a tight line and a light sheen of sweat had claimed some of the hair on the man’s forehead.

“I never said you couldn’t come,” Levi grumbled, but pressed an appreciate peck to Erwin’s cheek anyway. It was true that a sudden flood of semen in his mouth would’ve freaked him the fuck out, even if he did manage to avoid sinking into a panic attack.

“I’ll show you... Just how unfair... That was.”

Erwin’s breathing was getting less ragged as he began his recovery, but it was still short enough to cut his words into sharp sections.

“Don’t think that won’t come with…repercussions. I’ll drive you…twice as crazy.”

It was a legitimate threat, and one Levi knew Erwin could make good on, but he’d always been decent at hiding his fear.

“Oh yeah? You don’t look like much. A wet noodle could beat you in a fight right about now. Maybe you should just relax while I call the paramedics. Old men like you should be more careful when it comes to aerobics.”

Erwin grinned, predatory and confident, despite his near death experience. “Is that so?” he said, and pulled Levi in for a kiss so wet and filthy it shattered whatever deception Levi was trying to hide behind.

He pressed Levi into the mattress and kissed him again, tongue deep in his mouth. Levi swallowed a cry as Erwin’s hand found the tent in his underwear that was doing a poor job of containing his straining erection. But before Levi could truly lose it, Erwin drew back, an even more predatory and alarming smile on his face, as he took in all of Levi’s trembling.

“Don’t move,” he said and gave Levi’s trapped cock a squeeze. “I’ll be right back.”

All words were wiped from Levi’s mental databanks, and it was only after Erwin was safely out of the room that Levi found a comeback.

“Better make it worth my while,” he called out, knowing the weak reply was only making Erwin smile harder.

He didn’t have to wait long, but it was still enough time to ramp his imagination up for a few fantasies. He hoped there wasn’t anything drastic in the works.

_He better remember his suggestion to take things slow_ , he thought. _Or I’ll kill him before he has the chance to kill me._

He tried to calm his heart, but it thudded along, perfectly fine with ignoring his attempts to rein in control. His skin was burning up now, none of the cold from outside remaining even as a memory, but still he shivered. He thought about pulling off his clothes. Erwin was naked, and it only seemed fair to match him, but Erwin had always loved unwrapping Levi. He was one of those types where anticipation was just as good as the actual reward. He left his clothes alone and spread out on the bed. It was excellent, as far as beds went, firm enough for his back to approve, but soft enough to want to stay in forever. It was also huge. Levi had never been in such a big bed, and he felt a childlike wonder as he spread his arms and legs out, luxuriating in so much excess.

“Okay, that’s about a hundred times cuter than I can handle.”

Levi jumped, startled by Erwin’s voice. That’s when he realized what he was doing, and that most thirty year olds didn’t make snow angels in bed. He felt heat flood his face, but Erwin’s eyes were full of wonder. His arms were also full. He had a basin perched atop a stack of towels, and he was all business as he moved back to the bed, despite the erection that hadn’t flagged during his preparations. Levi felt smug about that, until he remembered his own embarrassing hardness, and decided against mentioning it.

Erwin set his load down and held his arms open. Levi crawled across the bed and fell eagerly into them, already stretching up to accept the kiss he knew was coming. He twined his arms around Erwin’s neck and made involuntary happy sounds as he was wrapped up in return. Erwin’s kiss was slow and deep and reminded Levi that he was in this for the long haul. His heart rate began to tick upward again, but before he could get too excited, Erwin broke the kiss and smoothed a hand across Levi’s cheek.

“Let me spoil you a little?” Erwin asked. He cocked his head to the side as he said it, hair falling across his forehead charmingly as he did so.

Levi nodded, but he would have nodded no matter what Erwin had said. His chest was tight again. It was the light, he realized. Erwin had always looked his most beautiful in the sunlight, and right now, with every glorious inch of his skin on display, he was too overwhelming a sight to fight with. Erwin smiled. Levi had to close his eyes against the gentleness in it so he was blind when Erwin’s hands came forward to touch him. They found the buttons of Levi’s shirt and carefully began to undo each one. As the skin along his chest was put on display, Erwin’s mouth followed behind his hands, pressing a soft kiss to every inch as it became exposed.

“Please,” Levi breathed. “It’ll hurt too much this way.”

He opened his eyes as he spoke, and regretted it. The eyes that stared back at Levi were full of an emotion both simpler and stronger than anything he was prepared for.

“It has to be this way,” Erwin said. “This is how you make me feel. Please endure it.”

Levi’s eyes started to sting again, and as Erwin’s hands and mouth went back to their work, he stared up at the ceiling, blinking away the wetness as he tried to calm his heart. Erwin’s hands pushed up Levi’s chest, slow and exploratory until they reached his shoulders and pushed the shirt off of him. It fell to the bedspread, where Erwin left it. His hands were already smoothing back over Levi’s chest. His thumbs flicked over Levi’s nipples, already hard buds, and for a moment Levi was terrified that Erwin would repay him with the same torture he’d meted out, but no, Erwin was keeping his touch simple. His hands were larger than Levi’s, and could cover a lot of ground. Soon they were on his thighs. The hands moved down to his knees, and then back up. His fingers passed under the edge of his underwear. Levi shivered.

“Stay,” Erwin said and stood up. He pressed a kiss to Levi’s forehead. “Close your eyes.”

Levi didn’t question the directive and shuttered his eyes. Erwin’s hand passed through his hair once before leaving him. There was some activity around him, and the bed dipped a couple of times, but less than half a minute  later Erwin was back. His hands came up around Levi.

“Just a moment,” Erwin whispered and flexed his arms.

Levi was lifted off the bed, but a moment later he was set back down, centered on the bed, but this time on a layer of towels so thick and fluffy he had to waylay the urge to wrap himself up in them. He felt the dip of the mattress again as Erwin came up after him. and then another dip as parked himself on either side of Levi, bracing him with his knees. Levi reached up, wanting desperately to touch, but Erwin’s hands came down gently on his arms.

“Just relax,” Erwin whispered. “Let me do the work.”

_Relax, the man says. Fucking bastard. As if I could relax when all I want is to have him shove that cock in and ruin me forever,_ Levi thought. But he did his best. He took a couple of deep breaths and tried to make his body limp.

The hands on his chest slid lower until they found the edge of his underwear.

“Lift your hips,” Erwin urged.

Levi complied, and as he did Erwin smoothly pulled the material free, easing the elastic band over Levi’s cock, and finally freeing it. The motion was smooth, and soon the underwear was passed his ankles and disappeared. Levi might have thought Erwin unaffected, but the man’s breathing grew heavier, audible now where it hadn’t been before. Levi smiled.

“Like what you see?” he asked.

Erwin made a short pained sound and pushed his face briefly into Levi’s neck, making sure not to press the bottom halves of their bodies together.

“Stay with me,” Erwin whispered, allowing all his vulnerability to surface in the dark hidden space of Levi’s neck. “Every day of every life. _Stay with me._ ”

It was Levi’s turn to make the pained sound, but Erwin didn’t give him much time to revel in it. He sat back up and turned away from Levi’s body. Levi waited, the suspense of where Erwin’s hands would last next killing him. But he kept his body still, and only flinched a little when the unexpected happened: water. Erwin brought a damp washcloth to the side of Levi’s face. Warm water and diluted soap trickled down his chin and neck.

“It sometimes hurt to look at you,” Erwin said. “Hurts my eyes, my heart. My goddamn cock. You’ll be the thing that kills me, Levi, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

His hands were steady as he wiped away the germs from Levi’s face, starting from his temples and moving over his cheeks, his nose, jaw, and the delicate skin over his eyes. Levi’s skin broke out all over with goosebumps that the warm water couldn’t chase away. He shivered, and Erwin’s other hand came up to steady him, resting firmly on his hip, a reminder of his strength. When he finished with Levi’s face, Levi tilted back his head and allowed Erwin access to his neck. The power of the water was even stronger here, and Levi grabbed the hand on his hip to steady himself. But it only grew worse. Erwin moved to his arms, his chest, his motions growing less gentle. The hand left his hip and moved down to his thigh, spreading his legs open. Levi’s breaths were ragged gasps by the time Erwin’s washcloth sank beneath his hips to the creases between his legs. Levi was intensely aware of his straining cock, resting furiously on his stomach, and wanting nothing more than to be treated by those relentless searching hands.

“Erwin,” he groaned as Erwin’s wonderfully cruel hands bypassed his cock and moved to his thighs. “Erwin please.”

Erwin ignored him, but his hands got rougher. The hand following the washcloth was massaging him now, digging into the sleek wet muscles and torturing bitten off moans from Levi wherever they went.

“If you keep making those sounds, Levi…I won’t be held responsible for my actions.”

Levi could feel Erwin’s body hunched over his own. Determined fingers massaged his calves. When they reached his ankles, Erwin wrenched Levi’s leg up and brought that ankle to his mouth and tongued it. Levi abandoned his inhaled breath.

“ _Erwin_.”

His voice would brook no argument now. If Erwin didn’t respond it would kill him, he was sure of it.

“Hurry, Erwin. Please, I’ll die. I’ll die right here in front of you. I’ll—“

A full throated growl cut Levi off, and then both his legs were wrenched off the bed and thrown over Erwin’s shoulders.

“Of course you will.”

Erwin’s breath overwhelmed the head of Levi’s tortured cock.

“Because I’m going to eat you alive.”

Levi’s eyes blew open. It wasn’t a conscious gesture. His chest jackknifed off the bed, his hands reaching forward to do something, anything, to stop what was about to happen. Because this was it, the end to any rational thought he would probably have. And that couldn’t be a good thing. The man on top of him couldn’t be a good thing. But when his hands touched Erwin, and as Erwin’s sinfully talented mouth closed on his cock, it was made resolutely clear to both of them that no one, not even themselves, would ever keep them away from this again.

Erwin’s hands clamped down on Levi’s hips as they bucked up and sank down on Levi’s cock until it claimed his throat and his lips touched the hairless smoothness of Levi’s groin. Their twin groans vibrated down deep into Levi’s body and crashed somewhere in his stomach. Levi’s torso, still suspended above the bed, curled around Erwin’s head in some warped and useless attempt to protect himself from the assault, but he’d already lost the battle, and his own head snapped back, his teeth clenched tight enough to dent iron. But Erwin gave no notice to Levi’s hold on him, not the clenched abdomen pressing against his forehead, or the fire on his scalp from Levi’s clenched hands. His mouth and Levi’s cock were the only things left in the world, and he abandoned all thought in pursuit of this, his holiest work. His mouth, though practiced at this kind of task, was sloppy with Levi, and the corners of his mouth leaked trails of saliva that ran down his chin and hit Levi’s hips. His throat swallowed, and kept swallowing Levi’s cock, unwilling to relinquish it even for the moments he drew breath, he needed to take it deeper, shove it harder into himself, hook it somehow into his innermost muscles where he could milk it for eternity. But Levi wouldn’t allow that. The hands in his hair suddenly began to push instead of pull.

“Wait, Erwin, I’m going to…”

But Erwin couldn’t wait. He’d been forcing himself to wait for longer than anyone could have expected, and he’d driven himself mad with it, but no more. He pushed Levi even deeper, his throat a furious vise. There would be no waiting. Not ever again.

So intent was he in holding onto his precious lover that he almost didn’t realize Levi was coming. Sure, he felt Levi’s body jerk back, and the hand that clamped tightly in his hair, but it wasn’t until the first jet of Levi’s come hit the lining of his throat that he realized that _yes_ it was happening and _yes_ it was every bit as good as he remembered, and _yes_ he wanted to experience Levi’s pleasure over and over, every day for the rest of his life. His next actions were all instinct. He swallowed, and kept swallowing, until Levi’s hips stopped jerking and the man collapsed back onto the bed, his whole body shaking and his hands still desperately digging into Erwin’s hair.  And Erwin…he couldn’t let go. He followed Levi’s body and stopped swallowing, aware that Levi would be painfully sensitive, but he couldn’t pull his mouth away. He couldn’t break this connection between their bodies. It would be too dangerous. He couldn’t risk it. He had to have more. He relaxed his throat and slowly let Levi slide free, but not all the way. He held Levi’s cock head in his mouth and sucked the last drops from him gently. Then he finally _did_ set the poor cock free, but only for a moment. He lapped at the head of it with his tongue, and then proceeded to clean the rest of it, wiping free any semen or saliva that had dared to trickle down the length. His tongue was gentle. He knew to be gentle. But that post-orgasm sensitivity wouldn’t last forever, and he was so hungry. His mouth moved down Levi’s length until he was lapping at the base. Levi was clean.  By anyone’s standards. But there was no stopping. Erwin’s mouth was greedy, and he wasn’t about to start reigning it in. A plan fell into his head.

He grabbed Levi’s thighs and yanked levi up, until none of the man, save his shoulders and head, were left touching the bed.

“Erwin, what are you—“

Erwin pressed his mouth back to Levi. Later he would remember safety. He’d remember their limits, and Levi’s sickness, and the care he always took around the germs. But the moment he’d taken Levi’s pulsing cock into his mouth all thoughts of that nature had left him. And so as his tongue flicked across Levi’s opening, he could honestly say that he’d forgotten such a need for care existed. The only important thing left in the world was to taste and touch as deeply and as long as he was able.

Levi lost it. He had figured out, in the moment Erwin’s hands had yanked him up, what his lover was about to do, and yet, his body had made no motion to stop it. His mind had raised all the defenses, every inch of his body was on full alert. The germs were here, and they were strong, and they were crossing into a territory he’d never thought he’d let this body cross, and yet, there was Erwin’s tongue, poking at his asshole.

_I have to stop him._

It was a clear thought, but it was accompanied by no plan of action.

_I have to protect him. I can’t infect…he can’t enter…He’ll die if he does this. The germs will kill him if he does this._

But he had memories from another life, too many memories,and far too varied, of Erwin doing similar things, even dirtier things, and coming out alive.

Erwin’s hands were gone from Levi’s thighs. They were spreading him open, two palms full of eager sinewy ass muscle, as he lapped at Levi’s entrance, burying his face there, pushing himself deeper, closer. Levi felt Erwin’s breath on his asshole, hot and gasping. Erwin wanted this, maybe even needed it, but what did Levi need.

_He can’t do this. Not safe. Too many germs. Doesn’t matter what we used to do. I can’t let him do this._

But Erwin was pushing his tongue past the ring of muscle now, pushing into Levi with that incredibly wet weapon, and Levi’s body opened to it. His ankles knotted behind Erwin’s neck and he pushed his ass into the man’s face and threw his head back to beg for it, to beg to be fucked by that tongue, to be owned and plundered, and have his germs made insignificant by that ruthless bit of searching muscle. He wanted Erwin’s mouth on him, needed Erwin’s mouth on him, had to have this man, and this man only, explore every part of him—even the parts Levi had shunned from everyone, including himself.

But he stopped the words from coming out. He somehow even stopped the hands that wanted nothing but to tug at Erwin’s hair for the remainder of their days. But Erwin didn’t notice. The man’s lips had created a perfect vacuum in the cleft of Levi’s ass and their sucking, and his tongue’s thrusting, insured that nothing but the most vehement objection would break it.

“Erwin, no, I’m not… _No._ It’s my turn to have you. I _will_ have you.”

It was not what he’d meant to say, but it _was_ what his body wanted, and realizing it gave him back his strength. He unknotted his legs and used them to push on Erwin’s shoulders. The man’s mouth broke away from him with a sound not unlike an industrial sized plunger.

“Wha…?”

Erwin had the dazed look of a person who’d just been forcibly awaked from a deep healing sleep. Levi gave him the sternest look he could muster, and pressed his hands against Erwin’s chest.

“Turn around and lie down on the bed.”

The lost look began to fade as it was replaced with a wispy, but steadily strengthening hope.

“Are you going to—“

“Yes,” Levi snapped. “But I need lube and a pair of gloves. I’m assuming you have some?”

He needed to keep a tight rein on himself, he knew. The worst thing he could do would be rushing into this and ruining it for the both of them.

“In the—“ Erwin had to clear his throat to continue. “In the nightstand.”

Erwin’s voice sounded like he’d been sucking smoke, not ass, and the result was so arousing that he cursed himself for asking anything that required the man to answer. But it wasn’t just his voice. Erwin’s lips were red, swollen, and slicked with spit, and Levi wanted nothing more than to suck on them and make them even more red and swollen. But he couldn’t. He reached for Erwin and stopped. He felt an anger, old, but newly impatient, lick at his insides.

“I have sanitizer there too,” Erwin said. “Also alcohol and gauze pads. Condoms. I can—“

“No,” Levi snapped as Erwin began to rise. “Stay.”

He pushed himself off the bed and went to the indicated piece of furniture with his back to Erwin, trying to hide the high spots of mortification in his cheeks. But Erwin didn’t sound impatient, he reminded himself, or hurt, or discontent, or anything aside from monumentally horny. He was okay with Levi, okay with the germs, and all the precautions they necessitated. More so, he was prepared, equipped, which showed a level of tenderness and forethought that Levi further flushed to think about. Erwin wanted this, wanted him, then all the details that came along with sex didn’t matter. He pulled open the top drawer and found it was even better stocked than Erwin had let on. Along with all the aforementioned items, there was valium and the drug they’d injected him with during his attacks, diazepam. There were also syringes, bottles of saline water, and sterile cloth and paper.

Levi twisted around to look over his shoulder and found Erwin already waiting to meet his eyes.

“I’m a hundred percent sure you won’t need any of it, but Hanji wanted assurance that you’d be okay.”

Levi nodded. Erwin held out his hand.

“Come back here. I want you to put your hands all over me.”

But Levi didn’t move. He studied Erwin’s face carefully and searched for any of the panic he’d seen back at the center, or in the hotel room in Maine. But there was only eagerness in that face and a good natured thrum of impatience. He turned his eyes back to the drawer. The tension in his own face had slackened. He pulled out the items he wanted: a small squirt bottle of sanitizer, a couple pairs of surgical gloves, a bottle of lubricant, and a condom, and returned to the bed. Erwin wrapped all four of his limbs around Levi and stared brazenly at his crotch.

“Give it a minute, old geezer, I’m not eighteen anymore,” Levi growled. He shoved against Erwin’s front. The push was too light to do anything, but Erwin fell obligingly back against the bed.

“And by the time I’ve prepared you I’ll be ready to go. Trust me.”

Levi said the words lightly, but Erwin’s answer was sincere.

“I do. Implicitly.”

Levi snorted but his touch was heavy with tenderness as he slid his fingers over Erwin’s cheeks.

“Clean me up,” Erwin said. “I want to kiss you.”

Levi bit his lip and fumbled with the gloves. He had to turn them over a couple of times until he remembered how gloves worked. His asshole was still tingling. A large part of him wanted to throw down the gloves and climb up onto Erwin’s face to continue where they left off. Knowing how much Erwin would thrill in the gesture made that part of himself even harder to ignore. But finally he got the gloves on, and by the time he squeezed some sanitizer onto his palm, his hands had steadied. Erwin’s face bumped the underside of his hands. His tongue flicked out and lapped at the space between two gloves fingers. Levi let out a startled laugh.

“Shut up. I’m desperate for you,” Erwin said. His breath was warm even through the gloves.

Levi began to spread the sanitizer over his fingers, but Erwin refused to wait. He grabbed Levi’s wrist and thrust three of the fingers into his mouth. The way his tongue closed over them and began to suck almost made Levi forget why they were doing this. Almost.

“Stop it. Don’t you dare swallow any,” Levi said.

He’d purposefully only squeezed a small amount onto his hands, not enough to hurt Erwin, but still, he was nervous. How could he not be nervous? Erwin didn’t seem to agree. He moaned around Levi’s fingers and thrust them deeper.

“Doesn’t that taste awful?” Levi asked.

But his cock twitched with interest despite his greatest concerted efforts to stop it. Erwin’s noises were chocolate covered sin. And the way he sucked Levi’s fingers made it clear he was impatient for something else.

“Fuck me,” Erwin groaned as he slipped the fingers free. “Fuck my mouth. Fuck my thighs. Fuck my ass. Fuck me.”

Erwin’s fingers closed around the sanitizer bottle and lifted it when Levi’s fingers were too slow. Erwin popped the cap with his teeth and squeezed a good sized amount onto Levi’s palm. It was Levi’s turn to groan. Erwin grabbed Levi’s wrist again and brought the hand to his mouth. The shaking was back, but this time from lust. He was already hard again. He tried to spread the sanitizer, but Erwin interrupted again, pushing his lips directly into the stuff again, mouth open and heaving. It was enough, too much, in fact. Levi didn’t try to wipe the excess sanitizer off. His kiss tore into Erwin’s mouth, tingly with alcohol and need. One hand, the one Erwin had grabbed, pushed down on Erwin’s chest, grounding them both, while the other slid down and hunted between Erwin’s legs. Erwin hissed and bucked his hips, but Levi swatted his thigh with the back of his hand, earning him a growl and hoarse gasp of, “More.”

Levi didn’t need the prompting. His fingers found Erwin’s ass and seized a tight handful. It was hard to say who groaned louder, but it was enough to break their kiss.

“Wanted to do that for way too long,” Levi grunted and squeezed himself a second handful. Erwin’s ass was even firmer than it looked, and that was a powerful statement.

“Levi,” Erwin hissed.

“I know. Hold on.”

Levi pulled his hand away, and Erwin groaned.

“Stop whining. You’ll get it in a second,” Levi said.

He ripped the gloves off and dropped them over the side of the bed. Erwin reclaimed Levi’s mouth with savage energy. Levi’s mind went blissfully clear. It took him long moments full of Erwin’s talented lips and tongue to remember the plan. He fumbled with the second pair of gloves, but when Erwin’s hand closed on Levi’s cock, Levi dropped them on the bedspread and forgot about them forever.

“Hmm…looks like you’re younger than you say you are,” Erwin muttered and gave Levi’s cock a torturous squeeze. “This couldn’t possibly belong to a thirty year old man.”

Erwin shifted beneath him and pulled Levi down on top of him, and this time it wasn’t just the gloves he forgot as Erwin closed his hand over both their bare dicks together and gave them a languid stroke.

Levi didn’t think it fair to bring his dick’s age into the open when Erwin’s own 37 year old member was threatening to explode, but he didn’t have enough air in his lungs to raise the point. Instead he overlaid his hand atop Erwin’s and brushed his thumb across Erwin’s cock. He desperately wanted the man to kiss him again and was in the process of hunting for the man’s lips when Erwin began to stroke them in earnest, his hand mixing and squelching with Levi’s as they bucked against each other and filled the air with an abundance of low moans and sharp delirious cries.

“Fuck. Can I come on you like this?” Erwin said. “Or should I grab that condom and--“

“Like this,” Levi gasped. His brain was melting. His dick was melting. Everything was melting. The heat was unbearable and he couldn’t breathe around the pleasure. “Just like this.”

Erwin grunted, past words, and buried his face in Levi’s hair. Levi knew he was close. He himself was close despite already climaxing once, and he blamed it all on Erwin. He’d blame the bastard for every perverted thought and erection he’d have for the rest of his life. He knew it. Erwin knew it. And they were too relentlessly fucking to give it anything but a passing thought. Erwin began to gasp, he was _really_ close. Levi could feel every one of Erwin’s muscle groups tensing up around him, preparing for the release, and it would be _quite_ a release. Levi knew. He’d just experienced it. But he also knew he’d be postponing it, and that he was both a bastard and a genius for what he did next. He grabbed Erwin’s wrist, yanked it up, flipped the man over, and pinned his arm behind his back before the poor man could even yelp in surprise.

He pushed his knee into Erwin’s back. It was overkill. He already had Erwin pinned, but he knew from old titan world experience that Erwin loved being manhandled.

“Getting ahead of ourselves, are we?”

Levi meant for it to come out in a seductive hiss, but he was lucky to get the words out at all. He was still wildly out of breath and his cock was throbbing with immediate need. He could only imagine how much worse Erwin had it with his cock pinned beneath his body and digging into the mattress.

“Need to come,” Erwin gasped. “Need it. Need to come.”

Levi said nothing, reached for no supplies, as his bare fingers found the crack of Erwin’s ass and slid over his entrance.

“No,” Levi said. “That’s not true. What do you _really_ need?”

Erwin froze, as Levi knew he would. He made sure he had Erwin pinned well as he continued to slide his fingers into Erwin’s crack, but he couldn’t pin Erwin’s voice.

“Levi, wait! The gloves!”

“Don’t need them,” Levi said, hoping he wouldn’t prove himself a liar. He leaned his face down, pulled Erwin’s ass cheeks apart and spit into the cleft and then spit on his fingers.

“But—“

“I don’t need them.”

Levi returned his fingers to their assignment, this time slick and frictionless. He teased Erwin’s hole circling it and dipping the tip of one finger into it occasionally. Erwin choked out something incoherent and his hips twitched. Levi saw the danger. With the friction of the matress against his cock, Erwin would climax from just a little poking around in his ass.

“Up on your knees,” Levi said and released his hold.

Erwin could have turned around. He could have grabbed the sanitizer and scrubbed at Levi’s hands while berating him about the dangers of his illness. But he didn’t. He did as Levi instructed and scrambled up onto all fours.

Levi smiled, and not only because of the great view. He slapped the man’s ass and smiled harder at the low hiss it dragged out of Erwin. He grabbed the bottle of lubricant and squeezed a generous amount directly over Erwin’s ass and then his own hands. Erwin began to shake.

“Yes.”

The word was so simple but it made Levi’s heart sing.

“Yes. This. Yes.”

Levi lowered his face, he was shaking himself, and pressed trembling lips to the reddened patch of skin on Erwin’s ass. He heard Erwin’s breath cut off, heard the worry in it.

“I’m okay,” he assured the man. “More than okay.”

The germs couldn’t touch him. Not with Erwin spread out like this before him. Not after twenty four days of separation. Not after everything they’d been through together.

Levi draped himself over Erwin’s back, and this time when he touched Erwin he pushed his index finger deeply into Erwin’s entrance. The man was ready for it, even pushed back to accept more of Levi’s hand, but Levi snaked his other hand around Erwin and let it rest on his chest.

“It’s been a while,” Levi said.

He pressed several soft kisses to Erwin’s back. He could feel Erwin’s muscles clenching around his finger, sucking it in. He’d done a lot of research on assholes, much of which was years old. He knew everything about shit, and could name every type of common bacteria that lived in the intestines. He knew about parasytes. He knew about dead skin cells and mucus and bile. And he knew that all of it, and even more, was coating the finger inside of Erwin. He pressed one last kiss to Erwin’s back and then began to move. He rocked the finger inside of Erwin, slicking his insides and exploring them. The heat from Erwin was intense, and the pressure even more so, but Levi could feel himself relaxing with every second that passed. He wasn’t having an attack. He wasn’t going to have an attack. He could do this.

He pushed a second finger in and this time he let Erwin rock up to meet him. He plunged those fingers in and out of Erwin twisting them, and then scissoring them as he relaxed the muscles and brought Erwin closer to the edge of crazy. He found Erwin’s prostate. It was almost exactly where he remembered it, and put the knowledge to good use. By the time he added a third finger Erwin was blathering incoherently, swearing all kinds of love confessions bursting with curses and pleas to just _hurry the fuck up already._

But Levi didn’t hurry. He couldn’t. He was too busy marveling. Erwin was the answer. He’d known it for a while already, but this was the kind of proof that he wouldn’t, not even in his darker moments, be able to twist into anything but the truth. Erwin freed him from the germs. Erwin freed him from his father. Erwin freed him from the shackles of his guilt, and better than all of that, Erwin had actually freed him enough to call the work Levi’s and not have it be a lie.

Levi did eventually pull his fingers free, and he did eventually slick his own cock with lube, and did eventually raise that poor cock to Erwin’s now trembling oozing hole, but by the time all this came about Erwin had collapsed onto his elbows with his face pressed to the mattress, with just barely enough energy to curse himself and Levi for falling for each other so excessively.

“I swear if you don’t put it in right now I’ll never let you top me again you awful teasing son of a—“

Erwin’s breath stuttered sharply as Levi pushed the head of his cock against his entrance. Levi’s hands shook. He was worried about his stamina, worried about his ability to please Erwin when he was shaking this badly, and worried about the kinds of sounds he was going to release as he fucked Erwin into next week, but he was not worried about the germs, and so he didn’t hesitate as he pushed in and slid the whole of himself deeply into his partner.

He needn’t have worried. His hands and body moved of their own accord from that moment. His fingers smoothed themselves over Erwin’s ass and anchored themselves in his hips as his first slow thrust pierced Erwin and left them both trembling in its wake. He sank over Erwin and pressed his cheek to the man’s back for the next few thrusts, also slow, also unbearable. His eyes were shut tight but still the feeling invaded him, crushing all his teeth together. He whimpered with his lips pressed to Erwin’s skin, but he wasn’t handling it, and neither was Erwin, and they both needed more. That was when he drew himself out completely, and he didn’t even have to flip Erwin over, for the man did it himself before Levi had even pulled all the way out. And then it was all desperate hands and a tangled legs as their chests met and they fell to the bed together, mouths frantic against each other as Levi’s cock drove deep into Erwin again, connected along every nerve, every spark of life in each other. Their hips rose and sank, their bodies building a ragged tempo that rose higher, higher, till they were crashing together, a reckless storm, and Levi lost all control of where he was going or how he was getting there, so long as he was getting there with Erwin. The wet spray against his stomach set free the chained thing in his abdomen and his own climax clawed its way out of him, burning everything in its path as he came and came hard, his hands desperate hooks in Erwin’s body. He wouldn’t let go, couldn’t let go, refused ever to let go even as his orgasm stopped crashing, and the tremors stopped coming and he slowly became away that he was alive and he was okay and he’d made a really nice mess that hadn’t been saved by the towels at all.

It was Erwin who began to laugh first, a slow deep contagious sound that rumbled from him into Levi. It was such a pleasant sound, and so calming after the reckless highs of orgasm that Levi succumbed before he could think of any reasons against it and soon they were laughing so hard that Levi’s softening cock slipped out of Erwin, spilling semen everywhere.

“Shit, that’s my leg!” Levi hissed, but he was still laughing, and Erwin was still laughing, and anyway the sound of them both was swallowed as Erwin kissed him.

“Mmm…you don’t taste like antibacterial goop anymore,” Levi said.

It wasn’t too hard to manage the words for the kiss was slow and gentle and allowed for such things. Erwin’s hand trailed down Levi’s back to rest on his ass.

“And _you_ don’t taste like a relentless fucking machine anymore,” Erwin said.

“That’s too bad.” It was a little hard to kiss when they were both smiling, but Levi managed it.

“I’ll say. Virgin my well fucked ass.”

Levi finally drew his lips away. “You liked it?”

Erwin pressed a kiss to Levi’s nose. “I loved it.” He pecked the crown of his head. “And I love _you_.”

Levi pressed his face to Erwin’s chest, annoyed that he still found himself blushing even after all they’d just done together.

Erwin pulled Levi closer, disturbing a lot of stickiness and goo.

“Yuck,” Levi said.

Erwin laughed and began to rise. “I’ll clean up.”

Levi shook his head. “No. Not yet.”

Erwin settled back down and rested his cheek atop Levi’s head. Levi felt his heart rate settling back into its normal rhythm. Drowsiness began to set in, but he knew he wouldn’t be falling asleep until some of the mess was taken care of. But Erwin was too lovely to move, and he wanted to hold him so much, and damn it, there really should be a limit on love because it was going to ruin him, had already ruined him, and it was all Erwin’s fault.

“Remember that time on the plane?”

Levi was startled out of his drowsiness by Erwin’s voice. “What?”

“When we were on the plane and I told you to close your eyes and picture yourself in a house with a husband. Remember that?”

Levi hunched further into Erwin’s chest. Of course he remembered, and he remembered all the dumb overwhelming thoughts that had accompanied it. “Yeah. Why?”

“I was thinking about myself as your husband,” Erwin said. “Even before I’d pieced together our past, and before the dream that made me remember that world, I already knew I wanted to be with you for the rest of my life.”

Levi said nothing. He pressed his lips to Erwin’s chest and tried to keep himself utterly still.

“I would have married you between missions, you know,” Erwin said. “If you’d wanted it. I know we didn’t have that kind of thing back in our old world, gay marriage, but I would have done it if you ever mentioned it. It wasn’t important. I already belonged to you, and you knew that, but I thought about it sometimes.”

Levi’s eyes were stinging and his body was rigid with suppressed emotion. Being overwhelmed by Erwin was not a new feeling to him, but this kind of candor would always be impossible to grow used to.

Erwin began to press a line of kisses across Levi’s hair and ears, anything he could reach, and he didn’t stop until Levi made a small helpless sound. Then he smoothed the hair back into place and squeezed Levi just that last wonderful bit tighter. There was something in that squeeze that finally unlocked Levi’s voice.

“The brats you want,” Levi said. “I might have an idea.”

It was Erwin’s turn to go still and silent. Levi felt nervousness twinge through his stomach, but he knew he couldn’t just leave his words hanging at that.

“Hanji and Petra want a baby. Well, Hanji isn’t exactly pining for one, but she isn’t against the idea, and Petra’s been wanting one for a while now and talking about finding an ideal donor and…I know I’m definitely not parental material, and Hanji probably isn’t either, but you and Petra would be all right, and between the four of us we should be able to handle at least one of the lousy things, and any kid with your gene’s and Petra’s couldn’t be all that bad…”

Erwin was still silent, but his grip on Levi was nearing suffocation levels. Levi chose to interpret that as a good sign, but he wasn’t sure, and now he was just babbling but he couldn’t get himself to stop.

“And then after a few years if the kid doesn’t turn out too bad and if I’ve somehow unlocked some hidden—deeply hidden—ability to parent then I guess, if you still wanted a couple more, we could think about making that happen. I mean if we adopt, well, the kids couldn’t be much worse off with us than they would be with anyone else, right? You’ll make sure we don’t screw up too badly. All the kids at the center love you. Hell, everyone loves you. And I…I want you to have everything you want. This world is gentler. It will let us. I’ll make sure it lets us if you want it. But of course, only if you want it. I don’t even know why I’m bringing this up now. It’s not like I just impregnated you. At least, that wasn’t my attention, but…”

“Levi?”

Levi had never been so glad to be cut off in all his life.

“Yeah?”

“Have I ever mentioned that I love you?”

One day Levi would have to find a better barrier for his embarrassment than Erwin’s chest, but for now he would have to make due.

“Um.”

“Because I do. I love you so fucking much. And you better marry me, even if you think marriage is stupid, because I’m going to be relentless about it. And God damn it I could die with how happy you’ve made me just now.”

Levi began to blink a little too much and a little too hard. He cleared his throat.

“So, uh… is that a yes to the kids thing?”

Erwin didn’t bother to answer him. He just scooped Levi up in his arms and pulled them both from the bed.

“Wait! Where are we going?”

But Levi already knew where they were going, and he wasn’t surprised that the bathtub Erwin dropped him in was large enough to comfortably accommodate two enthusiastically horny men. The more Levi saw of the house, the more effort, he realized, had gone into choosing it. Erwin twisted the taps and warm water began to gush over Levi’s feet. He wasn’t given long to enjoy it though. As soon as he turned away from the taps, Erwin dropped down between Levi’s legs and crushed him against the bath’s edge, his mouth on a determined hunt to find every last nerve ending in Levi’s neck.

“Erwin, before you—“

Levi had to stop talking and accept the crush of Erwin’s lips for some time, but after a couple of minutes of delirious happiness, he managed to push Erwin away far enough to gasp, “I was supposed to meet Reiner in the gym. And I have clients. I have to call—“

“Hanji’ll take care of everything,” Erwin said and went back to his soul sucking kisses.

By this point the water was climbing up Levi’s thighs and his erection was bobbing in the water because, curse it all, he was hard again, and, naturally, it was all Erwin’s fault.

“But—“

He’d be covered in hickeys before the hour was up. The commander had always been fond of sucking marks into his captain’s skin, and Levi had no doubt that Erwin had hung on to that particular tendency.

“I told her when I called for your address that if I hadn’t called back in half an hour that she should go ahead and cancel whatever you’d planned for the rest of the day because we’d be too busy fucking to spare you for anything else.”

Levi didn’t know whether to thank Erwin or resent him for his never ending foresight. But the next moment when Erwin seized his cock and gave it a long experimental tug Levi forgot both options and instead sank into a mindless rapture that would remain throughout his next two orgasms. As Erwin scooped water over the mess on Levi’s stomach, paying needless attention to his nipples, which weren’t sullied in the slightest, but greatly appreciated the attention nonetheless, Erwin bent his mouth to Levi’s ear and said, “Wanna bet that I can fuck another love confession out of you?”

And Levi scowled because, damn it, Erwin never made a bet he wasn’t sure he could win.

 

\--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't think I'll ever be able to express how much trouble this chapter gave me. I started it so many times and always deleted everything I wrote and ran away from the computer screaming. But every day I'd get more kudos on this work, and more lovely readers would beg me to continue writing, and finally the guilt of not providing you with more overrode my inability to write and so i forced myself to sit down and after many stops and starts finally produced the chapter you see in front of you. I have no idea what to think of this chapter. I don't know if it's good or if it's shit. But it was written in my blood and sweat and I hope that it counts for something. I just hope all of you know that I've been thinking about this story on and off throughout the months and always meant to come back to it. For all those of you who stuck around, you guys are the best and I hope you know it. Let me know what you think, and if you want me to write an epilogue for the story that takes place many years down the line.


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey. I resurrected myself from death for this. enjoy.

Epilogue:

Levi didn’t like his reflection. It was the wrinkles. They weren’t that numerous. Just around his eyes and the crease of his mouth. He didn’t think they were ugly, and Erwin didn’t think so either. He said they were “distinguished,” whatever that meant. As was the silver hair sprinkled over his head, but more concentrated at the temples. The problem with these things was the aging. There was no getting around what they represented. And that was scary. Levi had never been old before. He didn’t know what to expect from it.

There was a knock at the door. Even without the dumb little pattern Levi could tell who it was. (three short knocks, three longer ones, and then three short ones again. SOS. Only Erwin could think of something so dorky.) Levi called out for him to enter. He kept his eyes trained on the mirror as Erwin stepped into the room. The man didn’t look like he was in his late fifties. Forties, maybe, but not fifties. His personality better matched that of an old geezer, but it had always been that way. Levi felt the furrows on his face smooth out a bit as the ritualistic calm Erwin always inspired spread through him. He shifted as Erwin’s arms came up around him from behind, easily sliding in to fit his husband’s body.

“Hey,” Erwin said and pressed a kiss to the lobe of Levi’s ear. “How’s the birthday boy holding up?”

Levi aimed a kick backward and caught Erwin in the shin. The man made an exaggerated groaning noise even though the tap had been light.

“Careful,” Erwin said. “My osteoporosis.”

Levi snorted. Erwin had been using that excuse ever since that one blood test that revealed a slight vitamin d deficiency. The doctor recommended a supplement and by the next time the routine test rolled around again his vitamin d levels were fine. That was six years ago and Erwin was still using it as an excuse.

Erwin gave Levi another kiss, on the neck this time. His lips lingered and dragged themselves all the way down to his shoulder.

“Hey,” Levi said. “Watch it. We have company.”

“Fuck ‘em,” Erwin said. He pulled Levi’s shirt away from his body and pressed a sucking kiss to his upper back.

“ _You’re_ the one that invited them,” Levi said. “You know I hate surprise parties. And what do you do? Invite every asshole in our lives over for a surprise party.”

“It wasn’t a surprise,” Erwin reminded him. “I told you I was planning this dinner a few weeks ago. It’s not my fault you forgot.”

Levi pouted. He’d mastered the technique years ago. It was Erwin’s greatest weakness.

“Saying it only once is the equivalent of not saying it at all. That makes it a surprise party.”

Levi’s memory wasn’t actually that bad yet, but it wasn’t quite as sharp as it once was. He was getting old. They both were. He blew out a sigh.

Erwin squeezed him. “All right. What is it?”

Levi decided to feign ignorance. “What’s what?”

Erwin penetrated him with a look that said _Don’t bother._ They’d been together so long that there was no hiding anything from the other. Levi knew that, but it didn’t stop him from trying. Old habits were hard to break.

“Guests overwhelming you?” Erwin asked. “I can get rid of them.”

Levi twisted his head around and stared up at Erwin’s face. Even after twenty years he still hadn’t found anyone who approached the man’s beauty.

“I dreamed about the other world last night,” he said.

“Oh?”

“It wasn’t good.”

Erwin sighed. “It rarely is.”

Levi turned back to face the mirror. It still struck him as weird to see him and Erwin beside each other. He couldn’t believe his luck had lasted this long.

“I killed you,” Levi said.

He waited for a sense of relief to come from finally saying it aloud. Instead an ugly pinching sensation settled around his heart. He hunkered down in Erwin’s arms and waited for it to go away. It didn’t.

“No,” Erwin said. His arms came up even tighter. “You didn’t. It was what we agreed on.”

Levi’s eyes widened. He tried to twist around but Erwin was holding him too tightly. Erwin pressed his forehead to the top of Levi’s head.

“It’s what I wanted,” Erwin said. “It’s what we agreed. The children’s lives before mine. I made you promise. You did the right thing.”

Levi’s knees went weak. It was a good thing Erwin was holding him so tightly or he would have been on the ground.

“You knew,” Levi said. “You knew how you died. And you didn’t tell me.”

“Before you get angry—“

“You _knew_! All this time I’ve been wondering. We even discussed it and all this time—“

“I didn’t want to upset you.”

“Well congratulations! I’m fucking upset,” Levi growled. And he was. But it was more than that. He was hurt. And the clamp around his heart was only getting tighter. “Now get the fuck off me so I can storm away properly.”

Erwin tried to kiss his cheek, but Levi jerked his face away.

“Levi, please, I…I know you have a tendency to try and take blame for things that aren’t your fault so I figured that—“

“What? It’s better to just hide shit like this from me?”

“I wanted to protect you.”

Erwin loosened his grip and Levi shoved him away.

“From what? The truth? Because I’d much rather have that than a lying husband!”

“Levi…I…”

“No. Shut up. _Shut up_. I told you about how _I_ died. I told you about every fucking memory from the other world—even the embarrassing ones. And you…what else are you hiding, huh? Did you have other partners you were fucking? Some bastard sons you never claimed?”

Levi realized he was getting hysterical, something he hadn’t known he was still capable of. His feelings for Erwin had been a steadying force for so long that it was surreal to have the balance upset like this.

Erwin reached out to Levi, and even though he was the reason he was angry, Levi was still tempted to accept the comfort, but he held his ground.

“I’ve been holding it in, afraid to tell you thinking that you didn’t remember. Afraid of what you’d think of me if you knew, and all this time you…you…”

Erwin took Levi’s hand. Levi yanked it away.

“Can I explain?” Erwin asked. His voice was softened by sadness.

“No,” Levi said. He was cradling the hand Erwin had touched. Like a burn victim. He waited a couple more seconds and realized he was acting like an idiot. “Fine,” he amended.

Erwin reached out again and this time Levi let himself be pulled in.

“First of all, I love you,” Erwin said.

“I know that, stupid,” Levi said, voice muffled in Erwin’s chest.

“Of course, but I had to make sure. You know, because of the way your memory has been.”

Levi growled. Erwin pecked the top of his head.

“I wanted to tell you,” he said. “I had to tell you. And I knew you’d be hurt when you remembered on your own. But I…”

Erwin blew out his breath. It ruffled Levi’s hair.

“But I just couldn’t think of a good way to say it.”

Levi tsked. It was very grandpa-ish. “I’d be more inclined to believe that if I didn’t already know you as a man who could talk himself out of every situation.”

“You’re thinking of the neighbor’s azaleas, aren’t you?” Erwin asked. Levi could hear the self-satisfaction in his voice. He tsked again. Erwin had accidentally backed over the bushes after a Costco run, and then somehow convinced the owners that that was just how azaleas grew in their prime. Erwin liked to bring this, his proudest moment, into every conceivable conversation.

“I didn’t want you to remember me like that,” Erwin said. “Cowardly and selfish. I made you swear to me that you would protect the children at all costs. And I made you keep that promise even at the expense of my life. I knew that you would see it as killing me. I knew that I wouldn’t be strong in the end and would have to rely on you to uphold my prior decisions. And I hated myself for forcing you to be the bigger man when it would mean you’d have to spend the rest of your life alone.”

Levi still had his forehead pressed against Erwin’s chest. He didn’t want to look up. His eyes burned and his chest was tight. His fists crumpled the fabric of Erwin’s shirt.

“You shouldn’t have done that,” Levi said. “I don’t forgive you.”

“For letting me die or for not telling you that I remembered?”

“Both.”

“I’m sorry, Levi,” Erwin said. “You always suffer for my weakness.”

Levi smacked Erwin’s chest. “I wanted to die first. I wanted to go out in a flash of glory, taken down by an insurmountable group of titans while trying to protect you. I didn’t want…I didn’t…”

Levi’s grip on Erwin’s shirt was now less about anger and more about trying to keep himself standing.

“No,” Levi said. “That’s not right. I didn’t want to die. I wanted to live with you, be with you always. It’s your fault for not being there. Your fault for dying. I became so weak when you were gone. Humanity’s weakest.”

Erwin’s grip on Levi tightened. He was nearing sixty, but still strong. Levi felt the restriction in his ribs when he tried to draw breath.

“I’m sorry,” Erwin said. “I’m so sorry.”

“Shut up,” Levi said.

Erwin buried his face in Levi’s neck and began to shake.

“Hey,” Levi said, more gently this time. “Seriously, shut up. Stop it.”

“I can’t,” Erwin said, utterly miserable. “I have no excuses. I relied on you too much to make all the tough decisions. I still do. I put so many burdens on you. How do you not hate me?”

Erwin’s grip was so tight it was starting to be troublesome, but Levi wished to be held still tighter. He nudged Erwin’s face up with his own. Erwin tried to hide but Levi wouldn’t let him, nudging his face until Erwin gave in and looked at him.

“We were given another chance,” Levi said. “This is our chance. And you haven’t blown it yet.”

Erwin gave him a heavy smile, one that trembled at the edges.

“Don’t get me wrong,” Levi said. “That still doesn’t wipe the slate clean. I figure you still owe me another birthday blow job to make up for the dream thing.”

Erwin pressed his lips to Levi’s forehead. The kiss was so soft and tender Levi thought he’d have to excuse himself and go die in a puddle of melted flesh, but Erwin didn’t give him a chance. He smoothed Levi’s hair back and said.

“Yes. Good. As many as you want. It would be my pleasure.”

“What about the guests?” Levi asked.

“I’ll tell them I have an incurable flesh eating skin disease,” Erwin said. “I just won’t tell them it’s your flesh I’ll be eating.”

Levi laughed. His heart felt light and heavy at the same time.

“You’re too old to be such a salacious pervert.”

“Ooh, someone’s been reading the vocabulary calendar I got them.”

Levi kissed Erwin. He’d done it countless times in the years they’d been together. Every day, multiple times a day, and yet every time Levi carefully tucked the event into his mind. Every kiss carefully recorded so that no matter how shitty his memory got he would always remember. He sighed when Erwin pulled away. It was usually Erwin’s fault that their kisses ended and Levi often yelled at him for the unforgivable offense.

Erwin tucked Levi’s hair behind his ears. He still didn’t like when the man cut it. One time, when Erwin had gone away on a week-long business trip for a modeling shoot, Levi had shaved his hair off completely for revenge. When Erwin returned and saw it he’d cried—with actual tears—and refused to speak to Levi for two days. They’d had sex, sure, I mean, Erwin had been gone for a whole week, but Erwin hadn’t talked to him, though he’d pouted a lot. He was very cute when he pouted, even with greying hair. Levi smiled at the memory, which made Erwin do a whistling kind of inhale.

“You are so fucking beautiful,” Erwin said.

Levi shivered. Erwin’s cursing was still (after 20 years) his biggest turn on.

“No,” Levi said when he had his heartrate back under control. “I’m old and wrinkly. Even my sick ab muscles are old and wrinkly.”

Erwin let his hands drop to Levi’s lower back and squeezed their hips together.

“No. You’re like a fine wine with the aging thing.”

Levi laughed. All he wanted to do was kiss Erwin again, but that would mean missing out on some valuable banter which (after 20 years) was still his second biggest turn on.

“I don’t think wine metaphors are the best choice for two recovering alcoholics,” he said.

Erwin kissed him. He shoved Levi against the tiled wall and began to taste him so thoroughly that it made Levi miss his tonsils.

“Erwin,” Levi gasped. “The guests…”

But Erwin was already tugging at Levi’s fly. Levi was pretty sure that as the years went on his dick-brain connection was just getting stronger. He blamed Erwin.

“Promise to fuck me tonight,” Erwin said.

Levi experienced that wonderful “am I about to laugh or ejaculate” moment that always confused him, but he was getting good at just going with the flow.

“Don’t blame you,” he said. “Who wouldn’t want this fifty year old dick inside of them?”

Erwin laughed into their next kiss. He had his hand in Levi’s pants and Levi was responding despite his best efforts to remain coolly detached. There was a knock on the door. Both old men froze. Levi cleared his throat.

“Just a minute,” he called out.

“Make it ten,” Erwin whispered.

“I heard that,” the worst possible voice said outside the door. “You promised you wouldn’t sexually assault dad at the party tonight.”

“I’m not,” Erwin said. His hand was still in Levi’s pants. Levi shoved him off and zipped up. It was hard to fit everything in with an erection, but he’d had plenty of practice over the years. He smoothed his hair back and patted himself down making sure there were no visible signs of his horniness. He could still feel the burning in his cheeks, but that was a near permanent state and there was nothing he could do about it.

He shot a glare at Erwin who was sniffing his fingers (the fucking perv) and yanked open the door. His daughter had her arms crossed over her chest.

“I know you’re in the middle of your fourth identity crises of the day,” she said. “But germhole keeps licking blobs of frosting off the cake.”

“That’s my boy,” Erwin said. He was sitting on the edge of the sick. Levi already knew he wouldn’t be washing his hands.

Germhole was Liberty’s pet name for her non-biological brother Soren. Other things she called him included sore-loser, butt plug, and cabbage breath. She held him in very high esteem. Soren split his time between Hanji and Petra’s home and Levi and Erwin’s. Looks wise he took after Erwin much more strongly than Petra. Maybe that was why Levi liked having him in the room so much. Which was too bad because the boy would soon be off to college and Levi already knew he’d be crying bucket loads. Luckily Liberty was only fourteen, which meant he had plenty of time left to smother her. Unlike Soren, she lived only in his place, and had for her whole life. Levi remembered asking her if she wouldn’t like to spend more time with Hanji, to which Liberty had sniffed and then slammed the door to her room. He wasn’t sure which of them was more codependent on the other, but he knew he could barely handle not seeing her for a day, never mind the four years of constant stress ulcers he’d suffer if she decided to board for college. It wouldn’t happen. Erwin had already reassured him about it a bunch of times already, but Levi worried anyway.

“Also mom’s looking at Uncle Eren a little too closely again,” Liberty said. “She might have put something in his drink. I think it has something to do with a new experiment.”

Levi groaned. The last thing he needed was Eren having some kind of hallucinogenic fit. Then he’d never get the man out of here.

“Awesome,” Erwin said. “Tell Soren to get the camera.”

Levi clapped his hand over his face. Liberty rolled her eyes.

“I’m going to Liz’s house to escape the madness,” She said. “Make sure I’m gone before Erwin tries any gross shit with you. I already had to suffer through the horror this morning. I thought old dudes were supposed to be quiet.”

Levi wanted to sink into the floor, but Erwin’s arms came up around his waist, holding him up against his will.

“No promises,” Erwin said. Levi stepped on his foot.

“Ow! It’s not my fault you’re like a banshee when you come,” he said.

“I’m not loud,” Levi said and stared both of them in the eye. His cheeks would have scorched anyone who touched them. “And you don’t have to worry. I’m not letting Erwin touch me for the rest of my life.”

He didn’t seem to find it contradictory that he pulled Erwin’s arms around himself more securely as he said so.

“Gross,” Liberty said. She leaned in and kissed Levi on the cheek. “Happy birthday,” she said.

Erwin snagged her into the hug. Levi admired the length of the man’s arms for the zillionth time. Liberty sighed. “I hate both of you.”

“Then go move in with Hanji so I can do lots of horrible things to your father,” Erwin said.

Both Levi and Liberty shot him with identical killer glares. Erwin let out his big dad laugh. Another head poked itself through the door.

“Cool,” Soren said. “Can I join the family huddle?”

He had frosting in the blonde mop that passed for his head of hair.

“No,” Liberty said.

“Yes,” both Erwin and Levi said.

Soren hadn’t waited for any of their answers before tackling the group.

Levi looked up and found Erwin already seeking his gaze.

_We’re so stupidly lucky,_ he thought.

_Yes_ , Erwin’s smile said. His arms squeezed them all a little tighter. _Yes we are._

_\--_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here it is. the epilogue almost half a year after i said I'd write one. Pathetic, right? but hey, better late than never...i think. As most of you are aware the last chapter of snk really stunk for eruri fans what with isayama letting Erwin die like that. I spent a lot of time moping around wishing isayama leprosy, and then finally FINALLY sat down to write this epilogue because i couldn't let him have the last word. In it i tried to kosher up what that asshole did a little, making it so that Erwin and Levi had a predetermined promise that levi would never choose the commander's life over the cadets. It doesn't redeem it, but there's only so much i could do.  
> Soren and Liberty helped with the pain a little. The idea of Erwin and Levi as dads always warms the black hole where my heart should be.  
> I don't think i'll be writing anymore eruri stories. Isayama kind of killed the ship (literally) for me and it's hard to fend off all this bitterness. I hope all of you, my dear eruri readers, are doing well. Thanks for reading this ridiculous way-too-long fic. i love you guys.


End file.
